We Now Depart to See Our Dark-Coated Lead in the Depths of Dispair
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The Dangers of Deluxe Double-Dog Dares
We Now Depart to See Our Dark-Coated Lead in the Depths of Dispair
Blinking away snowflakes from her eyelashes, Princess Luna sat bathed in warm light that did well to keep the encroaching darkness of dusk away from her, yet nothing to fight the crisp and frosty air. This moonless darkness was not nearly as black as the feeling she felt in her heart and the cold air was not nearly as icy as the glare Luna directed at the tall metal pole directly in front of her. A light dusting of snow had already begun to collect on the top of her starry mane and red woolen scarf as small icicles formed on Luna’s horn as she gazed forward.
The persian-pigmented pony princess pondered her present predicament.
There were many lessons to take away from the position she found herself in. The most obvious being the speed at which thermal conductivity takes place. The second was just how hazardous a thing a ‘deluxe double-dog dare’ was when a dastardly design is desired, though she had some previous indications as to its potential disastrous deployment from past doings. The third lesson was just how sudden and cold-blooded her vengeance could be when she was sufficiently determined
That last lesson wasn’t for her, it was for her sister, but first thing was first. Princess Luna found herself quite stuck at the moment. Specifically, it was her tongue that was stuck to the metal pole which had a frozen grip on her appendage and was currently the receiver of all the anger she could muster with only her turquoise eyes. Alright, plot your vengeance later! Now it is time to think your way out of this situation before somepony se—
“… Okay, but why?”
Damn it all to TARTARUS! Luna couldn’t help but jump slightly from the high pitched inquiry. Turning her head as well as she could with her tongue affixed to a specific point, she could see her most bubbly comrade, Pinkie Pie. The pink mare sat with an orange scarf around her neck as the snow lazily drifted down around her in small clumps.
Well… At least she’s pleasant and agreeable and it should be a simple matter to lure her into any number of traps where she can’t tell my horrible secret to anypony.
Pinkie Pie motioned to herself with a forehoof. “I mean, when I did this, the pole at least looked like a giant candy cane…”
But could I really inflict such a fate on dear Pinkamena Diane Pie?
“But I mean… that’s clearly just a regular metal pole!”
Seriously, I don’t know if it’s even possible to contain her or even HARM her! How does one deal with such a creature?
“Don’t tell me you thought it was, like, a giant liquorice stick? ‘Cause most poles are that color! You’d have to spend a lot of time licking random poles if that’s how your brain works!”
“Nwoh!” Luna cried.
“Then what?”
Luna let out a heavy sigh.
-~ooo~-
“Hey Luna,” Celestia said with a mischievous grin from Luna’s side as the mares trotted down a path lit in brilliant shades of orange-and-yellow sunset as the last lingering rays of the day reflected off the snow, “I bet I can lick more frost out here than you.”
Luna narrowed her eyes. “Though I have been absent for some centuries, I must warn you that my frost licking prowess has not dulled in the slightest, dear sister!”
“Oh, ho, ho! Is that so, little sister? Then I dare you to lick the frost from that pole!” Celestia said as she pointed to a now uncomfortably familiar pole.
“Does thou confuse me for a nitwit?” Luna said as she gave Celestia a knowing look. “You wish to trick me into going first so you have the preferred position of knowing how much frost you yourself must lick to succeed in our forthcoming battle.”
Celestia put on a faux hurt look. “Dearest sister, that is not at all why I suggested you go first… However, I still dare you to lick that pole.”
Luna scrunched both muzzle and brow. “I double-dog dare you to lick that pole first.”
Celestia’s eyebrows lowered… well… doggedly. “I deluxe double-dog dare you to lick that pole!”
Luna gasped. “You would not… You… you… you did not!” she cried in shock.
Celestia smiled grimly. “I did.”
“Sister, I know you direct the very sun each and every day, but ‘tis devouring fire you disport with! Undoubtedly you remember why ‘triple-dog dares’ are banned throughout the land!”
Celestia nodded solemnly. “Yes, hence why there is a New Horseleans”
Luna closed her eyes and lowered her head momentarily. “Horseleans will enduringly live on in our hearts… for it cannot possibly endure on elsewhere… At least not until all the ever-burning fire-acid discontinues to be… and with ‘ever-burning’ in the title…” Luna trailed off and looked towards a point far, far in the distance.
“… But this was not a triple-dog dare,” Celestia said smugly.
“’Twas disturbingly close! A dastardly stratagem that will result in a destiny of demonstratively delirious dreadfully deadly disaster,” insisted Luna as she leveled an accusing forehoof at Celestia. “I insist you retract your challenge at once!”
Celestia stood up as straightly as she could and gave Luna a serious look. “I refuse! ‘A dare once dogged shall not be disavowed!’ You are well aware of this declaration, Luna! You and I both penned the ‘Decree of Dares’ together!”
“Are ye dense, madmare?!” Luna accused. “Would you drive us towards the path of destruction once more?!”
Celestia closed her eyes and shook her head. “Again, I have stopped short of the forbidden level of dog dare, Luna.” Celestia opened her eyes and once again fixed her sister with a somber expression. “The question is would you lead us to devastation?”
Luna grit her teeth hard as the sounds of agonized screams reached her ears from a memory that refused to stay buried no matter how many heaps of ‘forgetful dirt’ was heaped atop it. She turned towards the pole and stood up straight as she marched towards it with determination in her steps and fire in her eyes.
-~ooo~-
“Iw vwissss noth twoo speak off fit!” Luna cried.
“Fire-acid?!” Pinkie replied in a slightly horrified tone.
“Thay ouwt off mwy hwouths!”
“Well don’t think so loudly!” Pinkie shrilled in response. “Why do you two have ‘frost licking’ competitions anyway?”
“Whe un ith ath long lith ath mwy sisther an I, un suggles to ake ‘eir uwn un. Wwhy ware you hewre?!”
Pinkie smiled. “Because one of my friends is in trouble!”
“Bwuth howw dwith you know off wy pweedicamen?”
Pinkie stuck out her tongue. “Wy tung geths owl numbly en a powny geths suck like thith!”
Luna stopped and thought about this for a moment until she realized that Pinkie’s reply was the best she could hope for. “Vwery wer, fen. Wha da you praposeth?”
Pinkie’s eyes widened. “Princess Luna! I’m flattered, but I don’t think I’m ready for that kind of commitment.” Pinkie tapped at her chin thoughtfully a couple times. “Plus I don’t have a ring or anything, and I’d have to save up for like… forever and a year to buy a ring that would impress a princess.”
Princess Luna’s eyes narrowed in frustrated irritation. “Nwo! A ean avouth mwy tung!”
“Oh, hehehe…” Pinkie smiled and reached into her curly mane. “Lucky you I have my thinking tea!” she said as she pulled out a light-blue thermos which had a yellow top with a small handle on it. Pinkie unscrewed the top, now serving as a mug, and poured steaming hot tea into it. Taking a sip, Pinkie hummed thoughtfully to herself.
“Hwoth twea! Howth twea!” Luna cried.
“Silly Princess!” Pinkie replied. “How are you going to drink tea with your mouth all hanging open ?!”
Luna let out a growl of irritation.
“Yeah, I of all ponies know how frustrating it is to be stuck like that.” Hooking her mug on her hair loop, Pinkie propped her chin up on a forehoof that was in turn attached to a foreleg propped up by her other foreleg. “Now let’s see… How was this fixed last time… Most my friends’ ideas were bad or icky…” Pinkie’s face lit up. “Oh, right! Spike warmed up the pole with his magic fire breath and saved the maiden fair… which was me in this case.”
“… Bwa howl ar ee gowing ta geth wor to heh?”
“I’ll use my Spike calling device!” Pinkie as she licked a forehoof then held it up as if feeling the breeze. She once again reached into her mane and pulled something out.
“A trevusay?!” Luna said in disbelief. She looked over the pony-sized wooden contraption that had somehow come from Pinkie’s mane, a shallow bowl affixed via a long pole to a counterweight all suspended by ropes and a heavy-duty frame with a lever attached. Pinkie then produced a scroll, a quill, and a brick. The brick she held up with her hair curl as she quickly penned the scroll before wrapping it around the brick, and putting it in the bowl of the trebuchet.
“PULL!” Pinkie cried as she grabbed the lever on the miniature siege weapon and pulled with all her strength.
With the whipping sound of a large beam of wood being released of its tension, the trebuchet arm flung the brick far off into the distance.
“And now we wait!” Pinkie said.
Luna watched with a mix of concern and wonder as the brick sailed through the air towards the large crystalline tower in the distance.
-~ooo~-
Amongst shelves and shelves of books, Spike sat in a large purple easychair and sipped from a steaming mug with a giant marshmallow floating near the top. Firing off a knowing expression, he said. “I don’t know how keen all our friends will be to eat a turkey for Hearth’s Warming dinner, Twilight.” Shaking his head, he added, “At the very least we’d need Fluttershy to walk around with a blindfold on the entire time.”
Across from Spike sat Twilight Sparkle and Starlight Glimmer who both lounged on opposite sides of a large, purple couch. Twilight wore an unsatisfied continence as Starlight simply smiled in mild interest.
“But Sunset will not stop writing about how delicious turkey is!” Twilight cried. “Plus, we’d be introducing a foreign species’ customs from another dimension! I mean… how incredible would that be?!”
Spike was quick to answer, “Probably about as incredible as the complete meltdown Fluttershy would have when Discord tries to make her feel better by magically bringing the cooked turkey to life and doing a song and dance number with it?”
Starlight let out a laugh. “He’d do it, too!”
Twilight pursed her lips and shot Spike a dirty look. “But she has no problem with fish.”
“She can’t talk to fish, Twilight. She’s not Aquapony!”
“… Huh,” Starlight uttered. “What kind of superpower is talking to fish, anyway? I mean… I guess with a name like ‘Aquapony’, that character must deal with a lot of underwater trouble. Still…”
Spike shrugged. “Whales are pretty big and useful.”
Starlight narrowed her eyes. “Wait a second! How come Aquapony can control whales? They’re mammals! Makes no sense…”
Twilight flashed her friends unamused glances. “Can you two focus for a little bit here?”
Spike’s eyes suddenly opened wide. “DUCK!”
Twilight’s brow knitted together in irritation. “Still a bird, Spike.”
Starlight tapped at her chin. “Can Aquapony talk to ducks? I mean… they’re waterfowls and—”
“GHAH!” Spike exclaimed as he jumped up and over the easychair he was sitting in. “DODGE!”
Twilight immediately hit the floor and covered her head.
“Huh? Why?” Starlight turned and looked out the massive window behind her, her eyes shooting open wide as she watched the scroll wrapped brick make short work of the window in front of her. For a moment, everything seemed to move much slower for Starlight. Her horn glowed purple as a shield began to manifest in between her and the brick that was crawling towards her at an alarmingly dangerous speed. The brick hit the shielding energy of her magic, causing the hastily made barrier to crack and break then fade away to naught but stardust. Starlight’s eyes widened further as the slowed brick continued its collision course for her face. A face which she began to turn away from the encroaching danger. Tumbling through what little air was left, the brick smashed lengthwise into the side of Starlight’s face and both she and brick fell to the ground with a solid ‘Thump!’
Spike poked his head out from behind the chair. After quickly surveying the scene, he pumped his fist into the air. “Yes! Not me this time!”
Starlight moaned painfully in response, her legs twitching slightly as they hung upwards in the air.
“Spike, this is serious!” Twilight said. She stepped over Starlight and trotted over to the brick. “Pinkie needs our help!”
Starlight let out a distressed whimper.
“Don’t take it personally, Starlight,” Spike said as he walked up to the fallen mare. “I don’t think Twilight is capable of caring about anypony when she’s presented with something new to read.”
“That… that is strange…” Starlight answered woozily.
“Not really if you know, Twilight… Or did you mean…” Spike thought about something for a moment. “Hey, Twilight. Why do ponies say ‘personally’? I mean, is ‘ponyally’ a word?”
“Shhh! Reading!” Twilight cried.
Spike walked over towards Twilight and leaned his head over to read the scroll. “Twilight, it just says, ‘Princess Luna needs help! Send Spike soon!’”
Twilight nodded. “I was rereading it. It’s so hard to find original reading material for me at this point.”
“Uh… I-I don’t want to alarm anypony,” Starlight said from the floor. “But I’m pretty concussed down here.”
“Well ponyally, I don’t feel that alarmed,” Spike said. He frowned heavily. “Okay, that just sounds stupid.”
“Spike!” Twilight cried. “We need to help Princess Luna!”
Spike looked outside the broken window where the chilled air had already made its unwanted advancements into the warm, cozy room. “What, now?”
“Hate you…” Starlight uttered. “Hate you both…”
“Yes, now!” Twilight cried. She unfurled her wings. “Now climb on!”
“But it’s so cold outside and it’s going to take forever to fly to Canterlot!” Spike whined. “At least let me get a scarf or something!”
“There’s no time!” Twilight insisted.
“Can’t you like… teleport us?” Spike suggested.
“All the way to Canterlot?!” Twilight bleated.
“Yeah, why not?” Spike said.
“Spike, that’s too far for teleportation.”
Spike let out a small harrumph of frustration then looked down at Starlight. He smiled. “I bet I know a pony who could do it.”
“Still suffering from a head injury, Spike,” Starlight said dryly.
“Sunset Shimmer!” Spike announced.
Starlight’s reply came out quick and sharp. “What?”
Twilight shook her head. “Spike, she’s on the other side of the mirror and who knows what she’s doing right now! Plus, she’s a little out of practice with magic. I think this would be beyond her for sure.”
“No way!” Spike insisted. “Man, I bet if anypony, anypony at all could say… figure out where that brick came from and teleport us there, it would be somepony who excels at magic like Sunset Shimmer! Heck, even if she took a blow to the head I bet a tough pony like Sunset would just shake it off and get to work instead of lying on the floor and whining about it like a little filly with a boo—”
With a snarl and a flash of her horn, Starlight took herself, Spike, and Twilight in a purple glow that quickly dissipated with a ‘pop!’
“—boo,” Spike finished. He looked around at his icy surrounding dotted with trees, metal poles decorated with Hearth’s Warming wreaths, and a single pink pony and purple alicorn. Smiling smugly, he looked down at Starlight. “I knew you had it in you.”
“Spike, I’m going to blast that grin right off your stupid face!” Starlight roared. “Just as soon as there stops being two of you!”
“Yay! You made it!” Pinkie exclaimed in excitement. “And I only ponyally maimed one of you this time!”
“We came as soon as we could!” Twilight said.
Spike shrugged his shoulders. “We would have been here sooner if Starlight wasn’t such a wiener.”
A modest blast of purple energy flew past Spike’s face with a ‘Phooom!’
“Dang it...” Starlight uttered.
“Oops, almost had me!” Spike said as he took a couple sidesteps to his left.
Starlight’s head wobbled from side to side as she did her best to keep her wandering eyes focused on Spike. “Spike, what the heck did I do to deserve all this b-hole coming out of your mouth today?!”
“Just keeping your seething anger warm for the return trip,” Spike intoned.
“Can you two keep it down?!” Twilight chastised. “We need to—” Twilight turned towards Luna. “… To…”
Luna looked back at Twilight, her cheeks still beet red despite the dark color of her coat.
“… Okay… But why?” Twilight asked.
“I vwissss noth twoo spek off fit!” Luna said. “Peas jus re’ease ee!”
Pinkie looked at Spike expectantly.
Twilight rolled her eyes. “Spike?”
“No,” Spike said flatly.
A series of confused and alarmed cries came out from amongst the mares.
“Hey, I’m on my holiday vacation from using my magic fire breath for anything not related to reheating my own hot cocoa,” Spike said to Twilight. “You know that!”
Twilight motioned towards Luna with a forehoof. “But this is important!”
Spike rolled his eyes. “You say that about every Hearth’s Warming letter you want to send out! If I do this, suddenly I’m your magical mailbox for basically the entire holiday season!”
Luna and Twilight tag-teamed Spike with dirty looks as Pinkie let out a distressed peep.
Laying upside down in the snow, Starlight looked up at Luna. “Why can’t she just use her own magic to get out?”
Twilight looked over at Luna then at Starlight. “Oh Starlight, I’m sure if Princess Luna could do that she’d have—”
With a light-blue glow of her horn and cheeks that seemed to glow even brighter, a small, blue beam extended down onto the pole and Luna retracted her tongue back into her mouth.
Everypony present stared at her in shocked silence.
“I wish to speak of none of the current proceedings!” Luna cried. She looked at the group assembled around her. “Now, I trust you can all keep quiet about this…”
“Of course, Princess Luna!” Twilight said.
Pinkie reached up to one edge of her lips and literally pulled a zipper that closed her mouth shut.
Spike just chuckled. “Man, if I had a bit for every time I heard that.”
Twilight glared at Spike. “You do have a bit for every time you heard that! You charge me a bit for every time I say that!”
“Oh yeah,” Spike replied. “I should really up my price now that you’re a princess.”
Luna let out a displeased grunt and her horn glowed again, a golden bit appearing in front of Spike who grabbed it. “A pleasure doing business with you,” Spike said as he tipped an invisible hat on his head, “but it’ll be five bits next time!”
“Yes, yes, fine. A small price to pay for your silence.”
“Oh, well if you think I’m undercharging then…”
“Spike, stop trying to fleece the Princess of the Night.”
Pinkie unzipped her lips. “But her scarf is made out of wool!”
Everyone turned to look at Pinkie.
“You know what they say,” Starlight said. “If you need to keep a secret with three ponies, dig two graves…”
Pinkie let out a worried cry.
“Starlight,” Twilight began in a reproving tone.
“Well, four graves… or… eight?” Starlight said as she looked around, her eyes still refusing to stay in place. “It’s kind of hard to count right now.”
“Please don’t insult the princess by suggesting she can fix her problems through murder.”
“… You clearly can use more experience as a princess, Twilight Sparkle.”
All eyes now flew towards Luna.
Luna glared back at the accusing eyes. “Seriously. If I read one word of this incident in the papers, I will besiege all of you with terrible nightmares from now until your minds shut down out of complete fear… and that time will be as short or as long as I deem.”
Starlight thought about this for a moment. “I will settle for no longer having that dream with a pair of faceless ponies who I think are my parents and keep telling me ‘I must complete my work’ before encouraging me to make a chair out of all my friend’s faces.”
“Done,” Luna said.
“Starlight?!” Twilight exclaimed. “What the heck?!”
“What the hay do you want from me, Twilight? I’m a dangerous sociopath with a long history of violence!” Starlight retorted.
“… Oh.” Twilight replied.
“I don’t understand how you keep forgetting that.”
“Hey!” Pinkie chimed in. “If it’s dreams we want to go away, I have this one where I invite Rainbow Dash over to make cupc—”
“The Princess of the Night is done with this!” announced Luna. “Now I must away to plot my terrible vengeance!” she cried as she flapped her wings and took off into the night sky.
“Huh… Well that happened,” Twilight said.
Starlight glanced towards Twilight as best she could. “If you care about your sanity, Twilight. Then ‘no.’ No it didn’t happen.”
Twilight inhaled sharply and let it a huff that exited her mouth as white vapor and hung heavy in the chilly air. “Fine let’s just go home!”
“Oh! I can help!” Pinkie explained. “I have a pony transporter that’s great for shooting ponies long distances.”
Starlight simply pointed her eyes skywards. “… Okay, did she say ‘shooting’ or is that just all the blood pooling in my head playing tricks with my brain?”
Twilight sighed. “Pinkie, is the pony transporter a cannon?”
“Pffft… No!” Pinkie said. “Since the shell we’ll all be riding in is powered by onboard gunpowder that continually burns and propels us forward, it’s really more akin to a rocket-launcher.”
“Right… Pass,” Twilight said simply.
Spike chuckled. “Betcha, Starlight down there can’t teleport us that far twice.”
“That won’t work, Spike!” Starlight exclaimed. “I know what you’re trying to do.”
“Actually, I think I might be able to do it,” Twilight said.
“Whoa, really?” Spike replied.
“Uh-huh,” Twilight confirmed. “I think I figured out what Starlight did, so if I account for all the distance and do some calculations to avoid all the castle’s walls and furniture, I should be able to have us all out of here in a few mi—”
Spike looked down at Starlight and uttered out of the corner of his mouth, “Purple smart knockoff second rate magic user.”
With a rage-filled howl and a purple glow, Starlight enveloped Spike and all ponies present in another purple glow before they flashed away.
-~ooo~-
Trotting with heavy steps over a carpet full of intricate and colorful patterns, Princess Celestia let out a yawn as she walked through a doorway. With a yellow glow of her horn, Celestia closed a door behind her and blinked a few times as her eyes adjusted to much dimmer room. Lit only by moonlight from the moon which hung in the cloudless night sky like a watchful accuser, the room in front of her was rather simple compared to the wealth Princess Celestia was usually surrounded with. Across the room was a modest nightstand under a short, stout lamp. Next to both was a four-post bed with purple curtains. With a dim, happy smile she eyed the bed in her room, trotted the short distance to it, and lifted the covers with another yellow glow. Soon she was under the covers on her side, her head resting on the pillow as her heavy eyelids came to a close.
Her horn suddenly flashed yellow as a wisp of magic swirled above it and coalesced into a scroll which landed roughly across Celestia’s face.
With an annoyed groan, she sat up and grasped the scroll with her magic. Luna, no doubt… She always seems to know when I’m trying to get to sleep and will certainly be seeking some form of vengeance for my transgression earlier today…
Celestia opened the scroll and read it, the contents simply reading, ‘Dear Sister, Big, hairy vengeance comes swiftly to punish you for your sins.’
Celestia knit her brow as she read the words and mulled them over slightly. Yawning, she took a quill, inkwell, and scroll from out of her nightstand. She penned a quick scroll that read, ‘Certainly you don’t mean to sick the Krampus on me?’
With a flash of her horn the note was sent and Celestia waited patiently for a reply. Thankfully for her, the wait, and therefore the cut into her allotted sleeping time was short. However, the scroll she received was the zenith in terms of being vague, cryptic, and alarming all at once. It simply read, ‘Worse.’
Celestia had very little time to figure out what fate her sister had arranged for her before the door that separated her bedroom from the rest of her personal quarters became a splintered thing of the past.
‘SMASH!’
Celestia let out a short alarmed yelp as the door to her bedroom crumbled under the heavy weight of a muscled creature covered in a thick layer of orange and brown hair. Heavy hooves sent shockwaves through the floor and all the way through Celestia’s bed and up to the alicorn herself as a pony-sized horn adorned with gold rings was thrust through the doorway. This was followed by what looked to be a large hair pile sitting above a massive brown muzzle tipped with a big, black nose. Finally, a second horn with golden rings was brought in as the mountainous creature shuffled in sideways.
“Yaks want to know if magic sun moving pony princess would like to build a snow-yak!”
Before Celestia could answer, a thick wave of white, fluffy, and cold snow flooded into her room, covering everything including her in a blanket of icy precipitation.
“Yaks brought snow!”
“Yes… I can see that,” Celestia replied, her left eye twitching in irritation. Momentarily fighting the urge to angrily shoo the Yak Prince out of her room and incur a few ‘yellier than usual’ diplomatic proceedings the next day, Celesta instead resigned herself to her fate if only to rip off the ‘bandaid’ which was to be her sister’s vengeance. “Very well, Prince Rutherford. Please instruct me on the proper way to build a snow-yak.”
Rutherford looked behind him, his massive horn crashing into Celestia’s wall and creating a massive, lengthy gouge in the white stone. “SUN PRINCESS PONY SAY ‘YES’!”
Much to Celestia’s despair, two more yaks suddenly appeared in two thick clouds of dust and debris as if they had magically ‘CRASHED’ into existence through her solid stone walls which, consequently, now had two yak sized holes in them.
“First off, Yaks need more room for snow-yak!” Rutherford shoutnced before he and his comrades gave her bedroom a much more open and trampled feeling to it.
“LUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”
Sitting in a large room and staring out as Princess Luna’s ears perked up to the sound of her own name being shouted long and hard to the heavens hot on the heels of the sounds of stone walls and wooden furniture being destroyed. “Oh, I’m going to sleep well this morning,” she said to the darkness of her room.
“Hehehe! I know, right?”
Startled, Luna turned to a full-length mirror to see Pinkie smiling happily from her on the other side.
“How are you on the other side of my mirror?!”
“I don’t understand how I do any of the things I do!”
The End.
Author's Note
Also special thanks to the delightfully named Dirty Bit for his comment here. The dreaded double-dog dare has also been mentioned in the pages of Sunset Shimmer is MAD about EVERYTHING.
