"Why do all our new adversaries rhyme with each other?"

by Estee

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Sex, Random, Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Original Character
Length: 1287

Seriously. Why?

Seriously. Why?

Now with author Patreon, SubscribeStar, and Ko-Fi pages.

Published 2016-12-29 23:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-12-29 23:40:01 UTC

Odds On At Least One Of These Appearing In S7: Don't Ask

Odds On At Least One Of These Appearing In S7: Don't Ask

"Oh, great: here come some more of them..."

"It's all right, Twi. Y'know this won't take too long."

"But it's getting so annoying! They just keep coming and coming, and... do you think that maybe this time, any of it will at least -- make sense?"

"Probably not. An' here's the first of the day. Let's see what he's got goin' for him."

"Beware! I, and I alone, shall conquer the world and end Equestria's reign of stupid Harmony! For I am -- Lantern Dimmer!"

"...really."

"I said, I am Lantern --"

"Yeah, she heard you. So what do you do?"

"Behold! BEWARE MY POWER!"

"-- and now it's slightly harder to see in here. So how exactly does this conquer the world?"

"When you try to consult your precious books in order to learn how to defeat me, you'll lose precious time to taking them outside! Time I will use to complete my nefarious plans!"

"Sugarcube, is he serious?"

"Just as serious as the rest of them."

"...don't talk about me like I'm not here."

"Fine." *MAGIC BLAST* "Now I can talk about you like you're not here. Because you're not. Technically. Somepony collect his ashes and I'll use them to write on the scroll recording what he did. Next?"

"Behold your doom, ponies! For I am -- GLASS RIMMER!"

"Oh, Ah gotta hear this one -- Twi, let me take it, 'kay? So what's your gimmick?"

"I make the world's best margaritas."

"...o-kay. Ah think maybe y'gotta go into a little more detail here. You're evil, right?"

"Ever wake up the morning after having too many margaritas?"

"Good point. But how, an' Ah'm not sure Ah can stress this enough, does that doom everypony?"

"World's. Best. Margaritas. The morning after having them. With everypony huddled under their blankets praying for Sun to go out, I, and only I, will use the time to take over the world --"

"-- or y'could jus' open up a bar in town and charge money for 'em, then make enough t' practically buy the world."

"...I hadn't thought of that."

"Yeah, kinda figured y'hadn't."

"I could make a real living at this."

"Sure could."

"Everypony would love me. Until the next morning."

"Sure would."

"And you know, I could just set aside part of my bar for open mic karaoke nights --"

"-- Twi? Go ahead."

*!MAGIC BLAST!*

"That one almost felt like a pity, AJ. I mean -- we just cost everypony the world's best margaritas."

"Yeah, but we also saved 'em from drunk open mic night karaoke. Ah figure it balances out. So how's the line lookin' out there?"

"Don't ask. Just let the next one in."

"Defend yourselves, foolish ponies! For my every-four-years time has come around again! The time of -- Synchronized Swimmer!"

"You know, I knew this day would come."

"...you did? Most ponies try to deliberately forget."

"Well, it was kind of inevitable. You're like our seventeenth Swimmer since this started."

"Did any of the others occupy your time with utter boredom while your brain destroyed itself trying to figure out how the scoring system worked?"

"No."

"The network is contractually obligated to broadcast me for three hours. On delay. Imagine your frustration at knowing I've won and still having to wait for the final results!"

"...wow. I am in pain. I am in actual physical pain from your having said that."

"Imagine how the network feels. And you'll never unravel my deepest mystery."

"Which is?"

"I've been a recognized medal sport for forty-eight years and nopony can explain why."

"You know, Applejack, I wouldn't feel right, destroying something with a forty-eight year history."

"Ah understand."

"YOU ARE HELPLESS BEFORE ME!"

"So y'want me t' do it?"

"Please."

*!!MEGA-KICK!!*

"It's easier to write with blood than ash anyway. So who's next?"

"Your castle will collapse under a tidal wave of sensations unimagined! I am ###### Rimmer!"

"...repeat that?"

"Your castle --"

"The last part."

"I am ###### Rimmer!"

"...okay. Let's pretend this is about something more than having gotten a pair of Rimmers in the same day. Really, really slowly: how does this work?"

"You seriously don't know?"

"Not a clue."

"You really are as naive as you look. Seriously, you've never ######ed?"

"Um... just get to the part where you explain your evil plan, okay?"

"Well -- truthfully, I don't talk about it in public much. I usually just leave a lot of pamphlets around explaining things. How it's done. Why it's great. Stuff like that."

"And?"

"Your entire military become fascinated, goes home to their loved ones, and then they ###### with ###### and sometimes they bring a ###### to the party, so they can ###### with each other's ######. Oh, and it helps if you use a candle. For the wax. So while they're all distracted by all that ###### --"

*!!!MEGA-MAGIC BLAST!!!*

"Oh, thank Celestia."

"Yeah."

"I couldn't deal with that one for another second."

"Me neither."

"That was the hardest one all week."

"Looked like yer usual effort. How come y'think that was the worst?"

"Do you have any idea how hard it is to blast somepony into ash and leave their explanatory pamphlets behind? Next!"

"I am Fashionably Slimmer! All ponies everywhere will collapse before my completely unrealistic portrayal of physical beauty! Once you starve yourselves into comas trying to match my standards, there will be none left to --"

"I am Sauce Simmer! As long as you're forced to watch me, I'll do absolutely nothing!"

"I am Pool Skimmer! Only I don't! You pay me to clean and I won't! With your mind occupied by rage at my laziness and your time taken by having to do all the work yourself, you will be removed from my path as I --"

"I am Chokingly Primmer, or so I will make all of Equestria address me from now on! Yes, you may have once known me as Miss Harshwhinny, but you should have always known that the only way I could enforce my high standards on the world was through turning to evil!"

"I am Progressively Grimmer! Can we make this short? I want to take over everything before sunset so I can get back to writing my fanfic."

"I am Warm Crimmer!"

"...huh?"

"Warm! Crimmer!"

"...you're a giant animated pile of grey lamb wool."

"I perfectly insulate and make the world's best winter garments! But when you bankrupt yourself trying to afford me --"

*!NOT-SO-MEGA-MAGIC DEANIMATING BLAST!*

"-- or she could jus' try a really big free sample. Nice work not makin' ash there."

"Well, it would have kind of defeated the purpose. I guess if we're getting that obscure, it's probably about time to call it quits for the day."

"Ah don't know. Ah could do one more."

"You're sure?"

"Yeah. Less t' get through t'morrow, right?"

"Okay. One more. Go ahead and open the --"

"...hi."

"-- what are you?"

"I saw the line, and I haven't done any real projects for a long time, and I was wondering... do you have any bit parts available? Because at this point, I just kind of want to keep my name out there, maybe connect into the youth market..."

"What. Are? You?"

"See? My recognition is fading! I can't just live off my residuals forever! And my daughter's five, so if I do this, I'll be such a hero to her... Plus you know I'm good at things about friends!"

"You've got two seconds to --"

"-- I'm David Schwimmer."

"...get out."

"At least let me give you my IMDB sheet."

"I changed my mind. You have one second."

"YOU HIRED PATTON OSWALT!"