Home is for the Weak: Lewd Parody Edition

by Foolish

Rating: mature
Tags: Random, Comedy
Length: 1549

A gimp chicken and the Princess of the Sun get it on.

Celestia and Scootaloo are at home in Ponyville together. They like to talk about things.

This is the time they f-

[size=0.75em]Chap and Sight do not pre-read as a quick second pair of eyes for me a lot~! So make sure to- wait, what?[/size]

(Parody of Home is for the Weak.)

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-12-30 01:32:33 UTC

Healthy Relationships

Nopony and Scootaloo sat around in the living room, doing nothing real-

"So who do you think is going to grow up to be the slut, Sweetie Belle or Apple Bloom?" Nopony asked.

Scootaloo blinked. "I'm sorry, what?"

"So Sweetie Belle is like, prime whore material-"

"What." Scootaloo monotoned.

"Look at her kid, tell me those aren't the eyes of a classy rapist in waiting."

Scootaloo frowned, "What other strange thoughts do you have about my friends?"

"Think Apple Bloom ever takes someone to her side barn?"

"The hell is a side barn." Scootaloo more accused than asked.

"You have the barn, you store stuff in the barn. You have a shed, you store less stuff in the shed. You have a side barn... Well, they don't talk about side barns."

"Nopony-"

"I wonder how many ponies Applejack has taken into the side barn!" Nopony wiggled his eyebrows.

"Nopony!"

"Think Applebloom has ever-"

"Okay no, listen!" Scootaloo shoved her hoof in Nopony's mouth. "Apple Bloom is super shy about her body and I'm not sure if Sweetie Belle knows what sex is."

"That's an accident waiting to happen." Nopony snorted.

"She lives in Ponyville, what could go wrong?" Scootaloo shrugged.

The two stared at each other.

"Okay yeah I should give her the sex talk."

"Look, I'm not racist," Nopony rubbed his shoulder, "but there are Diamond Dogs who live nearby, and I don't know if I ever seen a female diamond dog-"

"I remember when Rarity was kidnapp-"

"Raped."

"Kidnapped."

"Consensual foursome."

"Oh come on, they did not have sex with Rarity!" Scootaloo rolled her eyes.

"Oh really? She gets kidnapped, comes out of the mines without a single scratch, and 'a REAL lady never loses her composure,' or something like that?"

"...Well."

"Didn't lose her composure when they spit-roasted her-"

"Okay, okay-"

"Really handled it like a lady!" Nopony had a shit eating grin.

"Okay! Okay! I get your point! I'll give Sweetie the talk tomorrow at school someplace in private." Scootaloo huffed.

"So like, on a scale of 1 to 10, how much do you suck dick?" Nopony yawned.

Scootaloo blinked.

"I mean, I know the answer is either 1 or 10, it wouldn't really work-"

"um, 3?.."

Nopony slowly turned his head and locked eyes with Scootaloo, all mirth in his eyes gone.

"Scootaloo, have you had intercourse with a random individual before? One that could've just killed you after they were done and not pay?" Nopony asked in a serious tone.

"Well I mean, back when I was homeless-"

"Oh shit..." Nopony laid down and pressed a hoof to his forehead.

"Let me finish!" Scootaloo averted her eyes. "back when I homeless, I accepted that if any pony offered a good amount for it, I would do it, but it never came to that."

"Oh thank the maker." Nopony hugged Scootaloo.

"Don't worry, I'm fine." Scootaloo hugged back.

"I was so worried, wanna have sex?"

"What?"

"What?"

"What?"

"What?"

"Okay."

"Wait wha-" Nopony was cut off as Scootaloo pressed her lips to his.

Both of them gave exaggerated groans as they rolled off the couch and slammed into their glass table, shattering it to pieces. Scootaloo wasn't a very good kisser, in fact, it seemed like she was having fun trying to fight Nopony's tongue with her own that have an actual french kiss. The kiss did do it's job though...

"Sh- shit..." Nopony stared down at Scootaloo, conflicted.

"Shh..." Scootaloo pressed her hoof to Nopony's lips. "No homo..."

"Scoots, I have dick right now, you know that ri-"

"Shhhh..." Scootaloo started gently stroking Nopony, "It's okay, no homo..."

"That's not really the problem here- ohhhhhhkay, no homo..."

Scootaloo gave a tiny smile before bringing her muzzle back down to his base, and slowly dragging her tongue up his shaft again.

"That's like some huge cartoon tongue action you got going on there." Nopony grinned.

"Nopony," Scootaloo said in a 'husky' tone.

"You sound ridiculou-"

"Shut up." Scootaloo finished before wrapping her mouth around the head of his dick.

Giving a weak shrug, Nopony tried to lay back and not think about the fact that Scootaloo was blowing him.

"Mmmpfh~" Scootaloo moaned as she tried to take more of his dick in.

He failed.

"Fuck it," Nopony pulled her off his cock and rolled Scootaloo onto her back.

"WAH! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ON THE GLASS SHARDS GARBAGE SWAN?" Scootaloo peeked up innocently.

Nopony revealed his horn and teleported the glass shards away before they could cut up Scootaloo.

"WAH! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO IN FRONT OF OUR WINDOW, DUMBLESTIA?" Scootaloo bit her lip.

"Colt of a-" Nopony pulled the curtains shut with his magic.

"WAH! WHAT ARE-"

"DAMMIT SCOOTALOO I'M TRYING TO FUCK YOU HERE!"

"Well geez," Scootaloo got on her hooves and presented her rear, "maybe you shouldn't play around with glass shards and windows during seeeEEEAHHH!"

Scootaloo finished the sentence with a moan, pushing her rear into Nopony's muzzle as hard as she can. Having who knows how much experience, Nopony ran his the tip his tongue along Scootaloo's inner walls until he found a certain little spot.

"What are you doing down there, stop that- OH, OH, DON'T STOP, DON'T STOP THAT!" Scootaloo yelled.

With the joking aside, both of them started to seriously get into it. Scootaloo gasped as Nopony opened his muzzle wide and gently clamped down on her. With the size difference, it almost looked like Nopony was trying to eat her. His tongue snaked in much deeper, and gently ran circles around the opening at the end of cervix. Nopony sped up as he felt Scootaloo start to tremble-

With a shriek of joy, Scootaloo squirted all over Nopony.

All over him.

Nopony calmly examined the upper half of his torso, which was now soaked in more fluids than Scootaloo's body could possibly contain.

"What the fu-"

"Ahhhhh I needed that..." Scootaloo gave a happy sigh.

Staring down at his painfully throbbing erection, and then back at a near comatose Scootaloo, Nopony sighed.

"I'm gonna go take a shower." Nopony got up to leave but felt Scootaloo's tail tug on his.

"Oh come on, giving up already?" Scootaloo grinned.

"It's not gonna fit, dumbass."

Scootaloo stared at Nopony's dick, which was about twice in girth compared to her foreleg.

"Oh," Scootaloo frowned. "Oh yeah, yeah uh..."

"Unless you happen to be made of unbreakable rubber I think we're done here."

"Can't you just shrink it down or something?"

"I refuse." Nopony held his head up high.

"Why- ugh, alright then, why not just switch our genders?"

Nopony blinked, and then gave Scootaloo a smoldering, lust ridden look.

"I- I mean, just an idea?.." Scootaloo wasn't sure why, but she couldn't help but feel a tad nervous...

Scootaloo awkwardly sat on her bed waiting as Nopony showered.

"So um... How do you function in society with a ridiculously over sized penis?" Scootaloo down at her dick.

His dick.

Scootaloo stared down at his dick. It looked more sturdy than his own torso, and about as big in total mass. It was also extremely fun to play with while flaccid, but Scootaloo figured Nopony wouldn't appreciate hearing that right now. Instead, he decided to take this manner super seriously by playing with his ball sack.

"Oh Scootaloo..." An actual husky voiced called out from the bathroom.

Celestia emerged clean from the shower. She swayed her flank as she slowly made her way towards Scootaloo, not breaking eye contact. Crawling onto the bed, Celestia gently licked his ear before gently brushing against his-"

"WHY THE HELL ARE YOU STILL FLACCID?!?"

"Sorry, it's just... I don't know." Scootaloo looked down at his junk. "Like, you're hot and everything, and I like you, but my penis..."

"Your penis what?"

"I don't know, it just knows your not Nopony I guess? I mean, I kinda thought it's job was to only get hard, is this a thing? I don't know if this is a thing or not."

Celestia smiled. "Actually, your genitalia can have performance issues when you've been in a relationship for a long time and have just recently ended it. believe or not, bodies can show commitment too."

Scootaloo stopped to think about this.

"So what you're saying..." She looked up at Celestia. "Is that my dick's in love with Nopony."

Celestia facehoofed.

"Penis, you're weird, stop being so weird. Celestia, give me a more normal di-"

Scootaloo's mouth froze in place as he looked up. In front of him was Nopony, but his mane was long, his muzzle rounded, her ass awesome, her eyelashes longer, her ass was amazing, her frame slimmer and more sleek, that ass-

"That's a nice response." A feminine, yet dry tone spoke up.

Scootaloo noticed he had a raging hard on.

"Hmm." Scootaloo nodded in understanding. "Nopony, my penis loves you."

Nopony kissed Scootaloo's forehead. "I love you too Scootaloo."

"Wai-"

Scootaloo's complaint turned into a pleasant groan as Nopony slowly pushed him back down against the bed...

It was a new day, and Scootaloo didn't feel good, she felt great, confidant, sexy.

"Bye Nopony, I'm going to school." Scootaloo gave a nod to Nopony.

"Bye Scootaloo, I'm pregnant!" Nopony nodded back.

Scootaloo's eye twitched.