The Cute Oneby No one is homeChaptersThe Cute OneThe ShippeningThe Prench ConnectionChapter Four - Scootaloo For The WinThe Cute One“What did you say, again?” Sweetie Belle smiled happily, unaware of the sudden tension in the club house. Or the subtle tone in Apple Bloom's voice. “I said you're the smart one, Scootaloo is the athletic one, and I’m the cute.”Sweetie Belle repeated cheerfully. “Yeah right!” Scootaloo laughed back at Sweetie Belle. “More like I’M the cute one, you're the sweet one, and Applebloom is the tough one.” “Wait just a danged minute!” Applebloom stamped her hoof angrily on the floor. “‘Smart one’? ‘Tough One’?” “Yeah, obviously,” Scootaloo grinned and replied, Sweetie Bell nodding in agreement, “That’s why you’re the leader of the gang. Because your the smart-tough one.” “Ah’m starting to notice a pattern here.” Apple Bloom glared at her two friends. “Are ya’ll sayin’ that you both think you’re both cuter than me? Because Ah’m pretty damned cute. In fact if there was a list of cuteness of the top ten cute things from EVERY universe, then I would be on it! Ah’m the cute one, Scootaloo is the awesome one, and Sweetie Belle is the sweet one! It’s right there in her danged name!” “Well, yeah, I’m awesome!” Scootaloo shot back. “I’m awesome at being cuter than you!” “Well, if you’re so darned cute then why ain’t you got a special somepony?” Applebloom sneered. “I’ve got Tender Taps, Sweetie has Button Mash…” “Hey! Button is NOT my special somepony!” Sweetie Belle broke in. “We just hang out… And I guess he has a little bit of crush, you know, because I’m the cute one.” “Hey! I totally made out with Snips behind the schoolhouse! That counts!” Scootaloo argued. “We both know Snips made that up to impress Snails.” Apple Bloom rolled her eyes. “You don’t even know what making out is.” “That’s not the point!” Scootaloo fluttered her wings angrily. “He said he made out with ME because it was impressive because I’m the cute one.” “Ah’m a pretty little clumsy pony-ballerina with a country accent,” Apple Bloom said coldly, “Ah am cuteness southern fried in adorable. I! Am! The! Cute! One!” “Uh, I’m kinda sorry I said anything.” Sweetie stammered. “Can we just all agree that all three of us are insanely cute?” “NO!” Apple Bloom and Scootaloo screamed in unison. “We are taking this to Ponyville’s highest authority on pony attractivity!” Scootaloo snarled. “Attractivity isn’t even a word ya danged ostrich!” Apple Bloom sneered. “Ostrich? Really? That’s the best you could come up with?” Scootaloo raised a skeptical eyebrow. “But that’s not the point. The point is we need to take this to higher authority!” -=-=-=-=- “Hello, girls.” Starlight Glimmer opened the door of friendship castle and smiled at the gathered crusaders. “None of your sisters are here at the moment, They’re all off with Twilight on friendship business. They should be back in a half an hour or so.” “That’s okay, Miss Glimmer. We’re here to see Spike. Is he in?” Sweetie Belle replied politely. Starlight was internally a little taken aback. She couldn’t think of even once that she had seen Spike hang out with the Crusaders, or any ponies his own age really. What she said was simply, “I’ll go get him for you.” “Ah don’t like this.” Apple Bloom glowered at Scootaloo. “Hey, we need somepony to make the call right?” Scootaloo grinned. “Why not Spike? I mean, he’s about our age, so it won’t be weird and creepy. And Spike hangs out with a bunch of really cute mares all the time, so obviously he knows his ‘cute’.” “But what if he thinks we have a crush on him or something?” Sweetie Belle interjected. “That could make it really awkward, especially given how he moons over my sister all the time.” “It’s not gonna be weird. Trust me.” Scootaloo grinned even wider. “What’s not gonna be weird?” Spike sounded a little scared. “Should I walk back inside?” “Spike! Just the dragon we were looking for.” Scootaloo bounced forward as Starlight closed the castle door leaving Spike outside to meet his doom. “Me and the girls were having this little disagreement that we were hoping you could help us out with.” “What kind of disagreement?” Spike somehow knew that he wasn’t going to like the answer. “Which one of us is the cute one?” Sweetie Belle blushed and looked aside. “Ya ain gotta help if’n ya don’t wanna.” Apple Bloom smiled shyly and blinked her saucer sized eyes. “But everypony knows your Ponyville’s greatest expert on attractivity.” Scootaloo circled Spike quickly brushing him with her tail as she passed. “Which is why I suggested that we should come to you.” “Okay Scootaloo, now your outright flirting with Spike!” Apple Bloom glared at her friend. “There’s no rule that says you can’t flirt with the judge!” Scootaloo countered. “Well there is now!” Apple Bloom put her hoof down. “Ah’ve got a colt friend and Sweetie Belle doesn’t want to make things weird with her sister! That would give you an unfair advantage!” “Actually I don’t think I want any of you flirting with me just to win a bet.” Spike said, more than a little annoyed. “That’s more than a little insulting. I’m going back inside.” “Wait! Spike! I’m sorry!” Scootaloo hastily circled in front of Spike, blocking his escape. “Come on you gotta help us settle this!” “Can’t you all just agree that all three of you are incredibly cute.” Sike suggested, then caved in to trio of glares he received in answer. “Fine… Apple Bloom make your case.” “Well, Ah think Ah’m the cutest because Ah’m like the quintessential little sister. And I’m growing up enough for colts to notice and be like, ‘Yep she’s cute’. But still young enough that you just want to cuddle me and protect me from the world. Come on Spike, you can’t look me in these eyes and tell me you don’t want to cuddle me and protect me from the world?” Spike only barely escaped from those glassy windows of the abyss with a powerful shudder. “Wow, Apple Bloom.” Spike shook his head quickly to clear it. “That was a really good case. Sweetie Belle?” “Well I’m pretty much innocence and enthusiasm ponified. I’m super fun to be around, and I’m super nice. You know you want to kiss me, but you’re a little afraid to because, what if it’s my first kiss?” Sweetie Belle kissed Spike on the cheek and giggled. “Hey! Ah thought we agreed no flirting with the judge!” Apple Bloom glared at the unicorn. “I don’t think any of us actually agreed to that.” Sweetie Belle smirked. “Besides that wasn’t flirting it was a kiss on the cheek. Innocent and adorable, just like me.” “I think you broke him, Sweetie.” Scootaloo complained. “Hey, Spike! Snap out of it! It’s my turn!” “Oh right! Sorry Scootaloo.” Spike blinked quickly while he contemplated his escape from this madness. “Well, I’m the cutest because I’m a super-awesome stunt filly who excels despite her limitations!” Scootaloo leaned in close. “And if you pick me I’ll totally make out with you behind the castle!” “Darn it Scootaloo that is DEFINITELY out of bounds!” Applebloom stomped her hoof angrily. “Besides you don’t even know what making out is!” “That’s not the point! I bet Spike knows!” Scootaloo argued back. “Uh girls…” Sweetie Belle interjected. “WHAT?!?!” Apple Bloom and Scootaloo shouted in unison. “Spike made a run for it.” Sweetie Belle responded with a shrug. “Huh, Ah guess he just couldn’t handle the cute.” Apple Bloom said flatly. “Now how am I supposed to learn what making out is?” Scootaloo huffed as she kicked the ground. The Shippening“So what you’re saying,” A small filly covered in a heavy cloak stood before the counter of a disreputable magic shop, a wisp of purple mane fell just beyond the concealment of her hood, “Is that if I were to say, hypothalamusly stick a dragon with this arrow, then that dragon would definitely want to make out with me?” “I don’t think that’s actually a word miss.” The shopkeeper smiled nervously. “And I’m not at all comfortable with selling a love arrow to a filly so young. Do you even know what ‘making out’ is?” “THAT’S NOT THE POINT!” Scootaloo screamed at the shopkeeper as she flung a jingling bag on the counter. “Just shut up and take my bits!” -=-=-=-=- Spike was mortified. Discord was snickering. Pinkie Pie was rolling on the floor. Even Big Macintosh was fighting the urge to laugh. And Rainbow Dash just kept on with her story. “So I was like, ‘Really kiddo? You made out with Spike behind the castle?’” Dash grinned as her audience chuckled and Spike squirmed. “Well I had my suspicions something was up, so I asked her, ‘So how far did you go?’ And Scootaloo looks me straight in the eyes and do you know what she said?” Rainbow choked back a laugh. “She said, ‘We went all they way behind the castle.’” “All the way…” Pinkie guffawed. “All the way behind the castle? That is SO adorable!” “Eeyup.” Big Macintosh nodded with a chuckle. “Can we just get the game started?” Spike grumbled. “THIS is why you can’t invite mares over for guy’s night.” “Oh come on Spike.” Rainbow chided. “I think it’s awesome that Scootaloo has a crush on you.” “First off, no she doesn’t.” Spike crossed his arms and huffed. “It was all over some stupid bet they made. I think I’d notice if somepony had a crush on me.” “Pffft” Pinkie Pie rolled her eyes. “I’m pretty sure a mare could take you on a hot-air balloon ride, and sing an Old Timey Wild West Burlesque number with you, and you’d never notice she had a crush on you until she finally gave up and left you to walk around your whole life for all she cares with your head up Raritie’s…” “Eenope.” Big Macintosh quickly cut Pinkie off, sticking a hoof in her mouth.. “Well THAT was oddly specific.” Discord raised an eyebrow at Pinkie Pie who just rolled her eyes and shrugged. “Can we really just start the game already?” Spike asked, exasperated. -=-=-=-=- “This emergency meeting of the Cutie Mark Crusaders will come to order.” Apple Bloom announced to the gathered crusaders, including Babs, Gabby, and Pipsqueak. “Todays order of urgent business is to break the current tie between mahself and Sweetie Belle on the question of which one of us is the cute one.” “Wait a minute! I’m still in the game here!” Scootaloo argued. “No you’re not.” Sweetie Belle rolled her eyes. “You actually chased Spike off. That’s like the opposite of cute.” “Anyway, as the only colt with Crusader voting privileges, Pipsqueak you get to make the call on who’s the Cutest Crusader!” “Uh, actually, I always thought Babs was the cutest.” The young Trottingham colt swallowed hard, knowing he had just stepped into a minefield. “Daahhh!” Gabby grabbed up Pip and Babs and hugged the blushing ponies together. “That is totally adorable, I SO ship it! Cutest Crusader couple!” “This is getting us nowhere.” Applebloom grumbled, then noticed something. “Where do ya think yer goin Scootaloo. I ain’t adjourned this here meeting yet.” “Whatever!” Scootaloo snapped. “I’m gonna go find Spike and I’m gonna MAKE him admit I’m the cutest!” -=-=-=-=- “See ya next week casanova!” Rainbow laughed at Spikes expense as she took off for the night. “Don’t listen to her Spike.” Pinkie scruffed Spike’s head with a friendly hoof. “I think you and Scootaloo would make a great couple. Just don’t blow it like you did the last time somepony tried to hint that she liked you, but you were too busy following Rarity around and you broke her heart and now you’re never going to get another chance with her.” “Pinkie, what are you talking about?” Spike cast the pink enigma a worried glance. “Oh nothing, just Pinkie Pie being Pinkie Pie.” Pinkie laughed and rolled her eyes. “You know me, silly silly silly! Just Pinkie Pie being a silly filly, yep. Anyway, see you all next week. And probably two or three times in between!” Pinkie Pie sped off without another word, Leaving Spike, Macintosh, and Discord looking confused. “If I didn’t know better I’d think…” Discord stroked his beard, only to get cut off by Big Macintosh. “Eenope.” Big Mac gave his friend a stern warning. That was NOT a can of worms to be opened. “Well, never mind. I suppose. I should really get going as well. So the game is back at Spike’s place next week?” Discord stretched absently. “Ee’yup.” Big Mac nodded and turned to go back inside as Discord jumped into a portable hole. “Later Big Mac.” Spike turned and cheerfully began his walk back to the castle. “Hey Spike! Wait up!” Spike flinched at the sound of the fillies voice. “Hey… Scootaloo…” Spike rubbed the back of his head awkwardly. “Sorry I made things weird earlier. It’s okay, I guess if you don’t think I’m as cute as Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom.” Scootaloo turned moist saucer eyes towards Spike. “Scootaloo it’s not like that!” Spike held out his hands defensively. “I never said you’re not as cute as Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom. It’s just weird having you girls getting all flirty with me. Especially when you’ve already told me it’s really about some weird bet you all have running.” “So…” Scootaloo replied flatly. “You DO think I’m at least AS cute as Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom.” The filly suddenly grinned. “So I am still in the game!” “Either you’re not listening at all, or the words I’m saying just don’t mean what I think they do.” Spike deadpanned with a roll of his eyes. “Shhh!” Scootaloo smiled coyly and placed a hoof over Spike’s lips. “Still. In. The. Game. Now just let me stab you with this arrow and we’ll go make out in the bushes and it’s Scootaloo for the win. Oh Yeah!” “Wait, stab me with an arrow?” Spike was trapped. He knew there was no way he could outrun Scootaloo. He had no idea WHAT Scootaloo thought “making out” was, but he now knew it involved stabbing. Spike was terrified. “A love arrow? Really Scootaloo?” Apple Bloom glared at her orange friend. “Now yer just outright cheatin’! And, again, you don’t even know what making out is!” “Oh yeah? Well after I stab Spike with this arrow, we’re gonna go all the way! All. The. Way!” Scootaloo stamped an angry hoof in the dirt. “All the way to where, exactly?” Sweetie Belle smirked knowingly. “All the way back to Ponyville where we won’t be bothered by UNCUTE ponies while we make out behind Sugar Cube Corner!” Scootaloo hurled the arrow aside and screamed. “Ow!” Spike yelled and spun, unnoticed to the arguing Crusaders. “She really doesn’t know!” Apple Bloom tittered. “She was gonna go ‘All the way’.” Sweetie Belle giggled. “All the way back to Ponyville!” The friends finished together laughing uproariously. Spike found himself standing snout to snout with an incredible force of pinkness. “P-Pinkie Pie?” A young dragons voice rang with unnatural clarity. “I was worried you might get lonely... Or cold. I keep extra blankets stashed around town. For blanket related emergencies.” Pinkie smiled at Spike and then smiled at the Crusaders. “Wow, Pinkie I never realized before how incredibly cute you are!” Spike exclaimed in amazement. Pinkie grinned and nuzzled the young dragon, before turning her triumphant smirk on the crusaders. “An THAT, little ones is how you steal your best friend’s dragon.” The Prench Connection“Wow, I can’t believed we climbed to the peak of Dragon Mountain, but it was worth it.” Rumble panted in exhaustion. “So are we really gonna go all the way?” “We went all the way to the peak of Dragon mountain! How far do we have to go already?!?! Can’t we just make out?” Scootaloo angrily waved her flank in Rumble’s face. “Uh, Scootaloo what are you doing?” Rumble asked awkwardly. “Stare at my Cutie Mark and think about awesome it is!” Scootaloo commanded. “Uh… Scootaloo…” Rumble stammered in fear. “What do you think ‘making out’ is?” “WHAT DO YOU THINK IT IS???” Scootaloo screamed at her victim. For years after that day when questioned on the subject, Rumble would only respond, “Weird”, “Creepy”, and “That was NOT ‘making out’ man!” -=-=-=-=- “Scootaloo we want ya to know we’re your friends.” Apple Bloom addressed the assembled Crusaders, including Gabby, but sans Babs and Pip, who had other pressing business at sugar cube corner.. “We’re not here to make fun of ya. And we’re not here to laugh at ya. We got that all out of our systems before the meeting and we are here to help ya.” “Making out does not involve stabbing with arrows or flank waving.” Sweetie Belle cut in with a stern but authoritarian voice. “It’s just Prench kissing and mane petting and stuff.” “Wow, that actually kinda make sense, but you’ve gotta go ‘all the way’ to the most awesome place you can find to make it count more!” Scootaloo beamed with newfound knowledge. “It all makes sense! So if I can take Spike all the way to somewhere really awesome and we Prench kiss and he pets my mane then I can still win this! Scootaloo is still in the game!” “Do you even remember what this was even all about?” Apple Bloom rolled her eyes and heaved a long sigh, knowing what responce to expect. “None of this works how you think it does Scootaloo.” “THAT'S NOT THE POINT!” Scootaloo screamed. “Still. In. The. Game.” “I hate to be the one to keep blurting out the obvious, but you kind of sank that ship when you made Spike fall in love with Pinkie Pie.” Sweetie Belle shank back as she delivered the unfortunate truth. -=-=-=-=- “Wow Pinkie Pie, you’re the cutest most awesome pony ever” Little heart shapes bubbled in Spike’s eyes. “It’s a good thing you brought him straight here.” Twilight spoke grimmy. “This is definitely the work of a cursed artifact.:” After a moment of thought she added, “Starlight? I need you to investigate a certain magic shop. Actually take Trixie, it’ll make a good friendship lesson.” Starlight Glimmer rolled her eyes and walked out of the room. “Do you think you can snap him out of it?” Pinkie leaned in with concern causing the monitors attached to the dragon's head to practically explode with activity, “Wow, Pinkie, I can’t believe I never noticed how incredibly cute you are.” Spike sighed in a dreamy voice. “Yeah I know, right?” Pinkie rolled her eyes, and then turned on Twilight. “But you can fix him?” “Oh sure reversing the spell should be easy at this point.” Twilight nodded absent before furrowing her brows, “and you say all this started with Scootaloo trying to make out with Spike?” “Uh huh.” Pinkie nodded. “We had all been playing a little O&O over at the Apple farm and I got twitch so I went back check on Spike.” “Well it’s good thing you brought him straight here, had you done anything at all to reinforce the enchantment then we could have real problems” “Weelll, Twilight, it’s kinda like this…” Pinkie absently traced random patterns on the floor with her hoof. “Pinkamena Diane Pie, what did you do?” Twilight sparkle cast her most annoyed glare on her friend. “You made out with Spike didn’t you?” “All the back to Ponyville.” Pinkie grinned sheepishly. “Pinkie Pie! We haven’t even figured out if he counts as an adult pony or a baby dragon yet!” Twilight groaned and face hoofed. “Honestly I don’t know if I’m a really cool big sister or a really horrible mother! We’re in uncharted territory here Pinky Pie! You can’t just make out with Spike!”” “This was never such a big deal when Rarity was fawning over him.” Pinkie Grumped. “It’s no problem. I’ll just ask Celestia. Making out with Spike probably isn’t a criminal offense. Spike take a… oh right.” Twilight continued he panicked rampage. “Sweetie Belle told me all about what happened, where’s my little Spikey Wikey?” Rarity burst in the room in a full fit of hysterics. “Oh, hi Rarity, what’s up?” Spike waved absently from the examination table. “Oh my! It’s worse than I thought! Twilight, you have to undo this evil enchantment!” Rarity grabbed the princess in her hooves and shook her just for emphasis. “...and you’re more fun than Rarity, and you’re a better cook than Rarity, and…” Pinkie Pie just grinned while Spike continued to list all the ways she was a better crush than Rarity. “You CAN fix this right?” Rarity exclaimed. “Well there’s been a complication…” Twilight rubbed the back of her head. “It’s just a love arrow darling it’s not that complicated, unless somepony seals the curse with a…” Rarity suddenly stopped dead and shot her pink friend her most evil glare. “Pinkie Pie! You didn’t?!?!?” “Oh, yeah, and you’re super good at making out!” Spike suddenly added to the list. “I almost forgot about that, thanks Rarity!” “Spikey Wikey! Do not listen to this brazen pink… hussy!” Rarity stomped her well manicured hoof. “Hey!” Pinkie Pie glared at her friend. “I didn’t call you any nasty names!” “But you can’t just ‘make out’ with Spikey Wikey!” Rarity sobbed. “That’s what I keep trying to tell her!” Twilight fumed in frustration. “I’m not even sure if he’s legally a minor or not!” “Wait, what now?” Rarity blinked rapidly. “Of course he’s not a minor! We take him with us on life or death missions all the time.” “Yeah, Dragon Rules, it’s complicated.” Spike shrugged from the examination table. “What in Tirek’s flank, Pinkie Pie?!?!” Rainbow Dash burst through the door. “You totally plot-blocked Scootaloo! Do you know how messed up that is?” “Actually, darling, as I was just saying, Spike clearly counts as an adult pony.” Rarity asserted. “It would be, as you put it, ‘messed up’ if Spike were to involve himself with Scootaloo, a filly who is obviously both mentally and emotionally far less mature! What is ‘messed up’ is that Pinkie Pie has stolen my poor Spikey Wikey!” “Dammit Pinkie Pie, stop making out with Spike! What if you get pregnant!” Twilight suddenly screamed, drawing all attention on the two embarrassed love birds. “And he’s strapped to an examining table for Celestia’s sake. “I really can’t understand why I couldn’t see before that you liked me like this” Spike grinned stupidly. “I mean the hot air balloon. The burlesque number.” “So can we fix him?” Pinkie Pie put on her most serious face. “It would be easier if you would stop making out with Spike.” Twilight grumbled. “Are you booping his nose?” “What? We were just making out right here!” Pinkie leered. “If anything nose boops are a step down.” “Pinkie, what if you get pregnant?” Twilight growled. “Making out and nose boops Twilight.” Pinkie reiterated intensely. “Where do you think foals come from Pinkie Pie?” Twilight demanded. “I hate to be the one who answers a question with a question, but where do YOU think foals come from?” Pinkie Pie looked directly in your eyes and whispered. “I don’t think she actually knows.” Chapter Four - Scootaloo For The Win“Alright, Sugar Cube. Ain’t nopony here to laugh at ya, and ain’t nopony here to make fun of ya.” Applejack smiled at Twilight when Rainbow Dash suddenly interrupted. “We got that out of our system before the meeting,” the cyan pegasus snickered drawing a giggle from Pinkie and a Glare from the orange farm-pony. “I know where foals come from,” the princess of friendship glared around the table, “Foals come from special cuddles. And making out leads to special cuddles. And Pinkie could be in real trouble if it turns out that Spike is underage.” “Pinkamena Diane Pie is in serious trouble for stealing my precious Spikey Wikey!” Rarity pounded the friendship table with a well manicured hoof. “Oh come on, I backed off for, like, forever!” Pinkie Pie protested in annoyance. “After that whole ‘Trenderhoof’ embarrassment, it was pretty safe to assume you weren’t interested.” “What about Scootaloo?” Rainbow Dash Argued angrily at the pink party pony. “She used an enchanted arrow to try win a bet with her friends, and probably isn’t really interested in Spike anyway, and even if she was, Spike is clearly the equivalent of an adult pony because dragon-rules!” Pinkie Pie stopped to inhale giving Applejack the pause she needed. “Ah think Pinkie Pie is right about the first part of that. Scootaloo is clearly NOT the victim here.” The orange mare then turned to Pinkie. “But Ah’m not so sure about the rest of her reasoning. Ah mean, if Spike hatched when we all got our cutie marks, then he’s pretty much gotta be slightly younger than Apple Bloom.” “Honestly, darling,” Rarity rolled her eyes, “We can’t apply pony age to Spikey Wikey. He’s clearly working on a different biological time-scale than the rest of us. After all, we didn’t take our little sisters with us to fight King Sombra.” “That doesn’t necessarily make Spike an adult.” Twilight face hoofed profoundly. “That could just mean that we’re massively irresponsible ponies. Where’s Fluttershy? Maybe she could weigh in on this from some kind of biological perspective.” “Greetings my little ponies!” Discord conveniently stepped out of wormhole carrying the aforementioned yellow Pegasus. “I’m sorry we’re late.” Fluttershy hopped free of the draconequus and fluttered to her seat at the table of friendship. “Our lunch date ran long.” “We went all the way…” Discord winked slyly, drawing a blush and a giggle from Fluttershy. “All the way to the Forbidden Zone!” “No!” Pinkie Pie glared. “That joke has gone far enough!” “We were just having a lovely Picnic with the Queen of the 6th dimension, and lost track of time.” Fluttershy admitted meekly. “I’m sorry that we kept you all waiting.” “We’re trying to determine if Spike counts as an adult or a minor by pony law.” Twilight explained quickly. “Really? You’ve been dragging him into life and death battles for how long, now?” Discord looked at the gathered ponies in disbelief. “What happened? Did Marshmallow Seamstress finally...” “Not me, darling,” Rarity’s voice chilled the room, “Pinkamena took advantage of my poor gentle-drake after he was hit with a stray love arrow.” “Hey!” Pinkie protested. “It’s not like I was the one who enchanted him! And all we did was make out a little.” “Pinkie Pie!” Twilight glared in frustration. “You have to take this seriously! Making out leads to cuddling and cuddling leads to babies!” “Twilight, Ah’m still pretty sure you don’t know how that works.” Applejack scrunched her face up as Discord rolled on the floor laughing. “I was personally educated by Princess Celestia herself!” Twilight banged the table dramatically. “I think I know where babies come from.” -=-=-=-=- -Long Ago- “Princess Celestia! Princess Celestia! The royal beagles are fighting in the garden!” Little Twilight Sparkle ran to her mentor in terror, leading the Princess quickly to the site of the altercation. Upon arrival the princess suppressed a smirk, and spoke soothingly to her student. “It’s quite alright, my little pupil. They are not fighting, they’re just… cuddling. Come on, let's give them some privacy. We can have cake and tea in my study.” “Can we have books and cake and tea?” Twilight asked excitedly, the puzzle of the cuddling beagles forgotten. -=-=-=-=- “And then Miss Fluffy Tum had a litter of puppies, and I asked the Princess where they came from, and she told me it was from when they were cuddling before.” Twilight couldn’t help but notice her friends reactions ranged from eye rolls, to snickers to outright laughter. “Okay, maybe I don’t know every single little detail, but that’s not the point! We have an enchanted dragon and an alpha level friendship problem between Rarity and Pinkie Pie! Our friendship is the basis of our national security! This. Is. Serious. Ponies. I’ve consulted Princess Ember, and I’m waiting for her reply. Hopefully she has some insight as to the question of Spikes maturity. Until then we still have to deal with Spike’s enchantment and resulting friendship problem.” “I don’t see what the big deal is.” Pinkie rolled her eyes. “Rarity wasn’t even interested in Spike until he was interested in me.” “My Spikey Wikey is only, ‘interested’ in you because Scootaloo stabbed him with that dreadful arrow!” Rarity glared. “Sounds like a clear case of Bolts Before Colts to me.” Rainbow scratched her chin with one hoof. “That’s how we’d call it in the Wonderbolts. Which I’m part of. Because I’m awesome.” “Wait.. Bolts before Colts?” Twilight asked. “Yeah.” Dash shrugged. “It’s pretty obvious. If you know someone on your team has their eye on a certain somepony then that pony is off-limits. Because the team comes first, because there’s no ‘me’ in team.” “Congratulations Rainbow Dash!” Discord beamed. “That’s actually the smartest thing I’ve ever heard you say.” “Thanks.” Rainbow grinned then did a doubletake. “Wait… what?” “Alright, I get that.” Pinkie Pie nodded. “But Rarity wasn’t the one interested in Spike. Spike was the one interested in Rarity. I mean, you can’t just set up a friend zone AND be special some ponies! And again, enchanted arrow, not my fault.” A letter appeared before Twilight in a burst of magical fire. “Ah, here’s Ember’s reply now. This should settle whether or not Spike is underage by Dragon Law. This whole thing could just be a silly little tiff over nothing.” “Dear Princess Twilight, Is that really a real question? Seriously? We were going to hand over our entire kingdom to Spike. In fact we did and he was briefly the Dragon Lord. Remember that thing that you were actually there to witness? Spike can make out with ponies if he wants to I guess. Since he likes ponies so much he can marry a pony for all I care. It’s not like I like him or anything. We’re just friends. BAKA! Sincerely, Dragon Lord Ember” “Well some dragon is feeling tsundere today.” Discord rolled his eyes. “I know, right?” Pinkie nodded in agreement. “But like I’ve been saying since I brought Spike back here, can we get him back to normal? It’s kinda fun having him fawn over me all the time, but it’s kinda sad too, because I know it’s just a spell, and when it’s over he’ll just go back to following Rarity around.” “Pinka… Pinkie dear,” Rarity’s voice softened. “I’m so terribly sorry. I’ve been so wrapped up in my jealousy that I never even thought about how hard this must be for you.” “It’s alright,” Pinkie Pie sighed. “Honestly I just want my friend back to normal.” “Well, that’s awkward enough by itself.” Twilight nodded. “If you hadn’t actually kissed Spike it would be pretty straight-forward. As it stands the spell can only be broken by a kiss from the pony who used the arrow in the first place.” “Whoa!” Rainbow objected. “Didn’t we just establish that Spike is an adult? Because Scootaloo is definitely NOT an adult.” “Where is Spike anyway?” Applejack cocked an eyebrow. “I restrained him to stop him from constantly making out with Pinkie Pie and locked him in the north tower until we could figure this out.” Twilight admitted with a heavy sigh. -=-=-=-=- “Okay, Spike, I’ve snuck in the castle and gone All The Way to the top of the north tower.” Scootaloo stared intently at restrained Dragon. “This is how this is gonna go down. I’m going to untie you. We’re going to tongue kiss, and you’re going to pet my mane, maybe grab my flank, and tell me I’m the Cutest Cutie Mark Crusader. Then I’m going to win the bet and prove that I am the most awesome Crusader.” “I thought you were trying to figure out which…” Spike shook his head quickly. “You know what. Never mind. Let’s just get this over with.” -=-=-=-=- A gaggle of adorable Kirin foals sat in a semi circle around an unseen mare as she finished her story. “And that is how your Aunt Scootaloo became the cutest Cutie Mark Crusader.
The Cute One“What did you say, again?” Sweetie Belle smiled happily, unaware of the sudden tension in the club house. Or the subtle tone in Apple Bloom's voice. “I said you're the smart one, Scootaloo is the athletic one, and I’m the cute.”Sweetie Belle repeated cheerfully. “Yeah right!” Scootaloo laughed back at Sweetie Belle. “More like I’M the cute one, you're the sweet one, and Applebloom is the tough one.” “Wait just a danged minute!” Applebloom stamped her hoof angrily on the floor. “‘Smart one’? ‘Tough One’?” “Yeah, obviously,” Scootaloo grinned and replied, Sweetie Bell nodding in agreement, “That’s why you’re the leader of the gang. Because your the smart-tough one.” “Ah’m starting to notice a pattern here.” Apple Bloom glared at her two friends. “Are ya’ll sayin’ that you both think you’re both cuter than me? Because Ah’m pretty damned cute. In fact if there was a list of cuteness of the top ten cute things from EVERY universe, then I would be on it! Ah’m the cute one, Scootaloo is the awesome one, and Sweetie Belle is the sweet one! It’s right there in her danged name!” “Well, yeah, I’m awesome!” Scootaloo shot back. “I’m awesome at being cuter than you!” “Well, if you’re so darned cute then why ain’t you got a special somepony?” Applebloom sneered. “I’ve got Tender Taps, Sweetie has Button Mash…” “Hey! Button is NOT my special somepony!” Sweetie Belle broke in. “We just hang out… And I guess he has a little bit of crush, you know, because I’m the cute one.” “Hey! I totally made out with Snips behind the schoolhouse! That counts!” Scootaloo argued. “We both know Snips made that up to impress Snails.” Apple Bloom rolled her eyes. “You don’t even know what making out is.” “That’s not the point!” Scootaloo fluttered her wings angrily. “He said he made out with ME because it was impressive because I’m the cute one.” “Ah’m a pretty little clumsy pony-ballerina with a country accent,” Apple Bloom said coldly, “Ah am cuteness southern fried in adorable. I! Am! The! Cute! One!” “Uh, I’m kinda sorry I said anything.” Sweetie stammered. “Can we just all agree that all three of us are insanely cute?” “NO!” Apple Bloom and Scootaloo screamed in unison. “We are taking this to Ponyville’s highest authority on pony attractivity!” Scootaloo snarled. “Attractivity isn’t even a word ya danged ostrich!” Apple Bloom sneered. “Ostrich? Really? That’s the best you could come up with?” Scootaloo raised a skeptical eyebrow. “But that’s not the point. The point is we need to take this to higher authority!” -=-=-=-=- “Hello, girls.” Starlight Glimmer opened the door of friendship castle and smiled at the gathered crusaders. “None of your sisters are here at the moment, They’re all off with Twilight on friendship business. They should be back in a half an hour or so.” “That’s okay, Miss Glimmer. We’re here to see Spike. Is he in?” Sweetie Belle replied politely. Starlight was internally a little taken aback. She couldn’t think of even once that she had seen Spike hang out with the Crusaders, or any ponies his own age really. What she said was simply, “I’ll go get him for you.” “Ah don’t like this.” Apple Bloom glowered at Scootaloo. “Hey, we need somepony to make the call right?” Scootaloo grinned. “Why not Spike? I mean, he’s about our age, so it won’t be weird and creepy. And Spike hangs out with a bunch of really cute mares all the time, so obviously he knows his ‘cute’.” “But what if he thinks we have a crush on him or something?” Sweetie Belle interjected. “That could make it really awkward, especially given how he moons over my sister all the time.” “It’s not gonna be weird. Trust me.” Scootaloo grinned even wider. “What’s not gonna be weird?” Spike sounded a little scared. “Should I walk back inside?” “Spike! Just the dragon we were looking for.” Scootaloo bounced forward as Starlight closed the castle door leaving Spike outside to meet his doom. “Me and the girls were having this little disagreement that we were hoping you could help us out with.” “What kind of disagreement?” Spike somehow knew that he wasn’t going to like the answer. “Which one of us is the cute one?” Sweetie Belle blushed and looked aside. “Ya ain gotta help if’n ya don’t wanna.” Apple Bloom smiled shyly and blinked her saucer sized eyes. “But everypony knows your Ponyville’s greatest expert on attractivity.” Scootaloo circled Spike quickly brushing him with her tail as she passed. “Which is why I suggested that we should come to you.” “Okay Scootaloo, now your outright flirting with Spike!” Apple Bloom glared at her friend. “There’s no rule that says you can’t flirt with the judge!” Scootaloo countered. “Well there is now!” Apple Bloom put her hoof down. “Ah’ve got a colt friend and Sweetie Belle doesn’t want to make things weird with her sister! That would give you an unfair advantage!” “Actually I don’t think I want any of you flirting with me just to win a bet.” Spike said, more than a little annoyed. “That’s more than a little insulting. I’m going back inside.” “Wait! Spike! I’m sorry!” Scootaloo hastily circled in front of Spike, blocking his escape. “Come on you gotta help us settle this!” “Can’t you all just agree that all three of you are incredibly cute.” Sike suggested, then caved in to trio of glares he received in answer. “Fine… Apple Bloom make your case.” “Well, Ah think Ah’m the cutest because Ah’m like the quintessential little sister. And I’m growing up enough for colts to notice and be like, ‘Yep she’s cute’. But still young enough that you just want to cuddle me and protect me from the world. Come on Spike, you can’t look me in these eyes and tell me you don’t want to cuddle me and protect me from the world?” Spike only barely escaped from those glassy windows of the abyss with a powerful shudder. “Wow, Apple Bloom.” Spike shook his head quickly to clear it. “That was a really good case. Sweetie Belle?” “Well I’m pretty much innocence and enthusiasm ponified. I’m super fun to be around, and I’m super nice. You know you want to kiss me, but you’re a little afraid to because, what if it’s my first kiss?” Sweetie Belle kissed Spike on the cheek and giggled. “Hey! Ah thought we agreed no flirting with the judge!” Apple Bloom glared at the unicorn. “I don’t think any of us actually agreed to that.” Sweetie Belle smirked. “Besides that wasn’t flirting it was a kiss on the cheek. Innocent and adorable, just like me.” “I think you broke him, Sweetie.” Scootaloo complained. “Hey, Spike! Snap out of it! It’s my turn!” “Oh right! Sorry Scootaloo.” Spike blinked quickly while he contemplated his escape from this madness. “Well, I’m the cutest because I’m a super-awesome stunt filly who excels despite her limitations!” Scootaloo leaned in close. “And if you pick me I’ll totally make out with you behind the castle!” “Darn it Scootaloo that is DEFINITELY out of bounds!” Applebloom stomped her hoof angrily. “Besides you don’t even know what making out is!” “That’s not the point! I bet Spike knows!” Scootaloo argued back. “Uh girls…” Sweetie Belle interjected. “WHAT?!?!” Apple Bloom and Scootaloo shouted in unison. “Spike made a run for it.” Sweetie Belle responded with a shrug. “Huh, Ah guess he just couldn’t handle the cute.” Apple Bloom said flatly. “Now how am I supposed to learn what making out is?” Scootaloo huffed as she kicked the ground.
The Shippening“So what you’re saying,” A small filly covered in a heavy cloak stood before the counter of a disreputable magic shop, a wisp of purple mane fell just beyond the concealment of her hood, “Is that if I were to say, hypothalamusly stick a dragon with this arrow, then that dragon would definitely want to make out with me?” “I don’t think that’s actually a word miss.” The shopkeeper smiled nervously. “And I’m not at all comfortable with selling a love arrow to a filly so young. Do you even know what ‘making out’ is?” “THAT’S NOT THE POINT!” Scootaloo screamed at the shopkeeper as she flung a jingling bag on the counter. “Just shut up and take my bits!” -=-=-=-=- Spike was mortified. Discord was snickering. Pinkie Pie was rolling on the floor. Even Big Macintosh was fighting the urge to laugh. And Rainbow Dash just kept on with her story. “So I was like, ‘Really kiddo? You made out with Spike behind the castle?’” Dash grinned as her audience chuckled and Spike squirmed. “Well I had my suspicions something was up, so I asked her, ‘So how far did you go?’ And Scootaloo looks me straight in the eyes and do you know what she said?” Rainbow choked back a laugh. “She said, ‘We went all they way behind the castle.’” “All the way…” Pinkie guffawed. “All the way behind the castle? That is SO adorable!” “Eeyup.” Big Macintosh nodded with a chuckle. “Can we just get the game started?” Spike grumbled. “THIS is why you can’t invite mares over for guy’s night.” “Oh come on Spike.” Rainbow chided. “I think it’s awesome that Scootaloo has a crush on you.” “First off, no she doesn’t.” Spike crossed his arms and huffed. “It was all over some stupid bet they made. I think I’d notice if somepony had a crush on me.” “Pffft” Pinkie Pie rolled her eyes. “I’m pretty sure a mare could take you on a hot-air balloon ride, and sing an Old Timey Wild West Burlesque number with you, and you’d never notice she had a crush on you until she finally gave up and left you to walk around your whole life for all she cares with your head up Raritie’s…” “Eenope.” Big Macintosh quickly cut Pinkie off, sticking a hoof in her mouth.. “Well THAT was oddly specific.” Discord raised an eyebrow at Pinkie Pie who just rolled her eyes and shrugged. “Can we really just start the game already?” Spike asked, exasperated. -=-=-=-=- “This emergency meeting of the Cutie Mark Crusaders will come to order.” Apple Bloom announced to the gathered crusaders, including Babs, Gabby, and Pipsqueak. “Todays order of urgent business is to break the current tie between mahself and Sweetie Belle on the question of which one of us is the cute one.” “Wait a minute! I’m still in the game here!” Scootaloo argued. “No you’re not.” Sweetie Belle rolled her eyes. “You actually chased Spike off. That’s like the opposite of cute.” “Anyway, as the only colt with Crusader voting privileges, Pipsqueak you get to make the call on who’s the Cutest Crusader!” “Uh, actually, I always thought Babs was the cutest.” The young Trottingham colt swallowed hard, knowing he had just stepped into a minefield. “Daahhh!” Gabby grabbed up Pip and Babs and hugged the blushing ponies together. “That is totally adorable, I SO ship it! Cutest Crusader couple!” “This is getting us nowhere.” Applebloom grumbled, then noticed something. “Where do ya think yer goin Scootaloo. I ain’t adjourned this here meeting yet.” “Whatever!” Scootaloo snapped. “I’m gonna go find Spike and I’m gonna MAKE him admit I’m the cutest!” -=-=-=-=- “See ya next week casanova!” Rainbow laughed at Spikes expense as she took off for the night. “Don’t listen to her Spike.” Pinkie scruffed Spike’s head with a friendly hoof. “I think you and Scootaloo would make a great couple. Just don’t blow it like you did the last time somepony tried to hint that she liked you, but you were too busy following Rarity around and you broke her heart and now you’re never going to get another chance with her.” “Pinkie, what are you talking about?” Spike cast the pink enigma a worried glance. “Oh nothing, just Pinkie Pie being Pinkie Pie.” Pinkie laughed and rolled her eyes. “You know me, silly silly silly! Just Pinkie Pie being a silly filly, yep. Anyway, see you all next week. And probably two or three times in between!” Pinkie Pie sped off without another word, Leaving Spike, Macintosh, and Discord looking confused. “If I didn’t know better I’d think…” Discord stroked his beard, only to get cut off by Big Macintosh. “Eenope.” Big Mac gave his friend a stern warning. That was NOT a can of worms to be opened. “Well, never mind. I suppose. I should really get going as well. So the game is back at Spike’s place next week?” Discord stretched absently. “Ee’yup.” Big Mac nodded and turned to go back inside as Discord jumped into a portable hole. “Later Big Mac.” Spike turned and cheerfully began his walk back to the castle. “Hey Spike! Wait up!” Spike flinched at the sound of the fillies voice. “Hey… Scootaloo…” Spike rubbed the back of his head awkwardly. “Sorry I made things weird earlier. It’s okay, I guess if you don’t think I’m as cute as Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom.” Scootaloo turned moist saucer eyes towards Spike. “Scootaloo it’s not like that!” Spike held out his hands defensively. “I never said you’re not as cute as Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom. It’s just weird having you girls getting all flirty with me. Especially when you’ve already told me it’s really about some weird bet you all have running.” “So…” Scootaloo replied flatly. “You DO think I’m at least AS cute as Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom.” The filly suddenly grinned. “So I am still in the game!” “Either you’re not listening at all, or the words I’m saying just don’t mean what I think they do.” Spike deadpanned with a roll of his eyes. “Shhh!” Scootaloo smiled coyly and placed a hoof over Spike’s lips. “Still. In. The. Game. Now just let me stab you with this arrow and we’ll go make out in the bushes and it’s Scootaloo for the win. Oh Yeah!” “Wait, stab me with an arrow?” Spike was trapped. He knew there was no way he could outrun Scootaloo. He had no idea WHAT Scootaloo thought “making out” was, but he now knew it involved stabbing. Spike was terrified. “A love arrow? Really Scootaloo?” Apple Bloom glared at her orange friend. “Now yer just outright cheatin’! And, again, you don’t even know what making out is!” “Oh yeah? Well after I stab Spike with this arrow, we’re gonna go all the way! All. The. Way!” Scootaloo stamped an angry hoof in the dirt. “All the way to where, exactly?” Sweetie Belle smirked knowingly. “All the way back to Ponyville where we won’t be bothered by UNCUTE ponies while we make out behind Sugar Cube Corner!” Scootaloo hurled the arrow aside and screamed. “Ow!” Spike yelled and spun, unnoticed to the arguing Crusaders. “She really doesn’t know!” Apple Bloom tittered. “She was gonna go ‘All the way’.” Sweetie Belle giggled. “All the way back to Ponyville!” The friends finished together laughing uproariously. Spike found himself standing snout to snout with an incredible force of pinkness. “P-Pinkie Pie?” A young dragons voice rang with unnatural clarity. “I was worried you might get lonely... Or cold. I keep extra blankets stashed around town. For blanket related emergencies.” Pinkie smiled at Spike and then smiled at the Crusaders. “Wow, Pinkie I never realized before how incredibly cute you are!” Spike exclaimed in amazement. Pinkie grinned and nuzzled the young dragon, before turning her triumphant smirk on the crusaders. “An THAT, little ones is how you steal your best friend’s dragon.”
The Prench Connection“Wow, I can’t believed we climbed to the peak of Dragon Mountain, but it was worth it.” Rumble panted in exhaustion. “So are we really gonna go all the way?” “We went all the way to the peak of Dragon mountain! How far do we have to go already?!?! Can’t we just make out?” Scootaloo angrily waved her flank in Rumble’s face. “Uh, Scootaloo what are you doing?” Rumble asked awkwardly. “Stare at my Cutie Mark and think about awesome it is!” Scootaloo commanded. “Uh… Scootaloo…” Rumble stammered in fear. “What do you think ‘making out’ is?” “WHAT DO YOU THINK IT IS???” Scootaloo screamed at her victim. For years after that day when questioned on the subject, Rumble would only respond, “Weird”, “Creepy”, and “That was NOT ‘making out’ man!” -=-=-=-=- “Scootaloo we want ya to know we’re your friends.” Apple Bloom addressed the assembled Crusaders, including Gabby, but sans Babs and Pip, who had other pressing business at sugar cube corner.. “We’re not here to make fun of ya. And we’re not here to laugh at ya. We got that all out of our systems before the meeting and we are here to help ya.” “Making out does not involve stabbing with arrows or flank waving.” Sweetie Belle cut in with a stern but authoritarian voice. “It’s just Prench kissing and mane petting and stuff.” “Wow, that actually kinda make sense, but you’ve gotta go ‘all the way’ to the most awesome place you can find to make it count more!” Scootaloo beamed with newfound knowledge. “It all makes sense! So if I can take Spike all the way to somewhere really awesome and we Prench kiss and he pets my mane then I can still win this! Scootaloo is still in the game!” “Do you even remember what this was even all about?” Apple Bloom rolled her eyes and heaved a long sigh, knowing what responce to expect. “None of this works how you think it does Scootaloo.” “THAT'S NOT THE POINT!” Scootaloo screamed. “Still. In. The. Game.” “I hate to be the one to keep blurting out the obvious, but you kind of sank that ship when you made Spike fall in love with Pinkie Pie.” Sweetie Belle shank back as she delivered the unfortunate truth. -=-=-=-=- “Wow Pinkie Pie, you’re the cutest most awesome pony ever” Little heart shapes bubbled in Spike’s eyes. “It’s a good thing you brought him straight here.” Twilight spoke grimmy. “This is definitely the work of a cursed artifact.:” After a moment of thought she added, “Starlight? I need you to investigate a certain magic shop. Actually take Trixie, it’ll make a good friendship lesson.” Starlight Glimmer rolled her eyes and walked out of the room. “Do you think you can snap him out of it?” Pinkie leaned in with concern causing the monitors attached to the dragon's head to practically explode with activity, “Wow, Pinkie, I can’t believe I never noticed how incredibly cute you are.” Spike sighed in a dreamy voice. “Yeah I know, right?” Pinkie rolled her eyes, and then turned on Twilight. “But you can fix him?” “Oh sure reversing the spell should be easy at this point.” Twilight nodded absent before furrowing her brows, “and you say all this started with Scootaloo trying to make out with Spike?” “Uh huh.” Pinkie nodded. “We had all been playing a little O&O over at the Apple farm and I got twitch so I went back check on Spike.” “Well it’s good thing you brought him straight here, had you done anything at all to reinforce the enchantment then we could have real problems” “Weelll, Twilight, it’s kinda like this…” Pinkie absently traced random patterns on the floor with her hoof. “Pinkamena Diane Pie, what did you do?” Twilight sparkle cast her most annoyed glare on her friend. “You made out with Spike didn’t you?” “All the back to Ponyville.” Pinkie grinned sheepishly. “Pinkie Pie! We haven’t even figured out if he counts as an adult pony or a baby dragon yet!” Twilight groaned and face hoofed. “Honestly I don’t know if I’m a really cool big sister or a really horrible mother! We’re in uncharted territory here Pinky Pie! You can’t just make out with Spike!”” “This was never such a big deal when Rarity was fawning over him.” Pinkie Grumped. “It’s no problem. I’ll just ask Celestia. Making out with Spike probably isn’t a criminal offense. Spike take a… oh right.” Twilight continued he panicked rampage. “Sweetie Belle told me all about what happened, where’s my little Spikey Wikey?” Rarity burst in the room in a full fit of hysterics. “Oh, hi Rarity, what’s up?” Spike waved absently from the examination table. “Oh my! It’s worse than I thought! Twilight, you have to undo this evil enchantment!” Rarity grabbed the princess in her hooves and shook her just for emphasis. “...and you’re more fun than Rarity, and you’re a better cook than Rarity, and…” Pinkie Pie just grinned while Spike continued to list all the ways she was a better crush than Rarity. “You CAN fix this right?” Rarity exclaimed. “Well there’s been a complication…” Twilight rubbed the back of her head. “It’s just a love arrow darling it’s not that complicated, unless somepony seals the curse with a…” Rarity suddenly stopped dead and shot her pink friend her most evil glare. “Pinkie Pie! You didn’t?!?!?” “Oh, yeah, and you’re super good at making out!” Spike suddenly added to the list. “I almost forgot about that, thanks Rarity!” “Spikey Wikey! Do not listen to this brazen pink… hussy!” Rarity stomped her well manicured hoof. “Hey!” Pinkie Pie glared at her friend. “I didn’t call you any nasty names!” “But you can’t just ‘make out’ with Spikey Wikey!” Rarity sobbed. “That’s what I keep trying to tell her!” Twilight fumed in frustration. “I’m not even sure if he’s legally a minor or not!” “Wait, what now?” Rarity blinked rapidly. “Of course he’s not a minor! We take him with us on life or death missions all the time.” “Yeah, Dragon Rules, it’s complicated.” Spike shrugged from the examination table. “What in Tirek’s flank, Pinkie Pie?!?!” Rainbow Dash burst through the door. “You totally plot-blocked Scootaloo! Do you know how messed up that is?” “Actually, darling, as I was just saying, Spike clearly counts as an adult pony.” Rarity asserted. “It would be, as you put it, ‘messed up’ if Spike were to involve himself with Scootaloo, a filly who is obviously both mentally and emotionally far less mature! What is ‘messed up’ is that Pinkie Pie has stolen my poor Spikey Wikey!” “Dammit Pinkie Pie, stop making out with Spike! What if you get pregnant!” Twilight suddenly screamed, drawing all attention on the two embarrassed love birds. “And he’s strapped to an examining table for Celestia’s sake. “I really can’t understand why I couldn’t see before that you liked me like this” Spike grinned stupidly. “I mean the hot air balloon. The burlesque number.” “So can we fix him?” Pinkie Pie put on her most serious face. “It would be easier if you would stop making out with Spike.” Twilight grumbled. “Are you booping his nose?” “What? We were just making out right here!” Pinkie leered. “If anything nose boops are a step down.” “Pinkie, what if you get pregnant?” Twilight growled. “Making out and nose boops Twilight.” Pinkie reiterated intensely. “Where do you think foals come from Pinkie Pie?” Twilight demanded. “I hate to be the one who answers a question with a question, but where do YOU think foals come from?” Pinkie Pie looked directly in your eyes and whispered. “I don’t think she actually knows.”
Chapter Four - Scootaloo For The Win“Alright, Sugar Cube. Ain’t nopony here to laugh at ya, and ain’t nopony here to make fun of ya.” Applejack smiled at Twilight when Rainbow Dash suddenly interrupted. “We got that out of our system before the meeting,” the cyan pegasus snickered drawing a giggle from Pinkie and a Glare from the orange farm-pony. “I know where foals come from,” the princess of friendship glared around the table, “Foals come from special cuddles. And making out leads to special cuddles. And Pinkie could be in real trouble if it turns out that Spike is underage.” “Pinkamena Diane Pie is in serious trouble for stealing my precious Spikey Wikey!” Rarity pounded the friendship table with a well manicured hoof. “Oh come on, I backed off for, like, forever!” Pinkie Pie protested in annoyance. “After that whole ‘Trenderhoof’ embarrassment, it was pretty safe to assume you weren’t interested.” “What about Scootaloo?” Rainbow Dash Argued angrily at the pink party pony. “She used an enchanted arrow to try win a bet with her friends, and probably isn’t really interested in Spike anyway, and even if she was, Spike is clearly the equivalent of an adult pony because dragon-rules!” Pinkie Pie stopped to inhale giving Applejack the pause she needed. “Ah think Pinkie Pie is right about the first part of that. Scootaloo is clearly NOT the victim here.” The orange mare then turned to Pinkie. “But Ah’m not so sure about the rest of her reasoning. Ah mean, if Spike hatched when we all got our cutie marks, then he’s pretty much gotta be slightly younger than Apple Bloom.” “Honestly, darling,” Rarity rolled her eyes, “We can’t apply pony age to Spikey Wikey. He’s clearly working on a different biological time-scale than the rest of us. After all, we didn’t take our little sisters with us to fight King Sombra.” “That doesn’t necessarily make Spike an adult.” Twilight face hoofed profoundly. “That could just mean that we’re massively irresponsible ponies. Where’s Fluttershy? Maybe she could weigh in on this from some kind of biological perspective.” “Greetings my little ponies!” Discord conveniently stepped out of wormhole carrying the aforementioned yellow Pegasus. “I’m sorry we’re late.” Fluttershy hopped free of the draconequus and fluttered to her seat at the table of friendship. “Our lunch date ran long.” “We went all the way…” Discord winked slyly, drawing a blush and a giggle from Fluttershy. “All the way to the Forbidden Zone!” “No!” Pinkie Pie glared. “That joke has gone far enough!” “We were just having a lovely Picnic with the Queen of the 6th dimension, and lost track of time.” Fluttershy admitted meekly. “I’m sorry that we kept you all waiting.” “We’re trying to determine if Spike counts as an adult or a minor by pony law.” Twilight explained quickly. “Really? You’ve been dragging him into life and death battles for how long, now?” Discord looked at the gathered ponies in disbelief. “What happened? Did Marshmallow Seamstress finally...” “Not me, darling,” Rarity’s voice chilled the room, “Pinkamena took advantage of my poor gentle-drake after he was hit with a stray love arrow.” “Hey!” Pinkie protested. “It’s not like I was the one who enchanted him! And all we did was make out a little.” “Pinkie Pie!” Twilight glared in frustration. “You have to take this seriously! Making out leads to cuddling and cuddling leads to babies!” “Twilight, Ah’m still pretty sure you don’t know how that works.” Applejack scrunched her face up as Discord rolled on the floor laughing. “I was personally educated by Princess Celestia herself!” Twilight banged the table dramatically. “I think I know where babies come from.” -=-=-=-=- -Long Ago- “Princess Celestia! Princess Celestia! The royal beagles are fighting in the garden!” Little Twilight Sparkle ran to her mentor in terror, leading the Princess quickly to the site of the altercation. Upon arrival the princess suppressed a smirk, and spoke soothingly to her student. “It’s quite alright, my little pupil. They are not fighting, they’re just… cuddling. Come on, let's give them some privacy. We can have cake and tea in my study.” “Can we have books and cake and tea?” Twilight asked excitedly, the puzzle of the cuddling beagles forgotten. -=-=-=-=- “And then Miss Fluffy Tum had a litter of puppies, and I asked the Princess where they came from, and she told me it was from when they were cuddling before.” Twilight couldn’t help but notice her friends reactions ranged from eye rolls, to snickers to outright laughter. “Okay, maybe I don’t know every single little detail, but that’s not the point! We have an enchanted dragon and an alpha level friendship problem between Rarity and Pinkie Pie! Our friendship is the basis of our national security! This. Is. Serious. Ponies. I’ve consulted Princess Ember, and I’m waiting for her reply. Hopefully she has some insight as to the question of Spikes maturity. Until then we still have to deal with Spike’s enchantment and resulting friendship problem.” “I don’t see what the big deal is.” Pinkie rolled her eyes. “Rarity wasn’t even interested in Spike until he was interested in me.” “My Spikey Wikey is only, ‘interested’ in you because Scootaloo stabbed him with that dreadful arrow!” Rarity glared. “Sounds like a clear case of Bolts Before Colts to me.” Rainbow scratched her chin with one hoof. “That’s how we’d call it in the Wonderbolts. Which I’m part of. Because I’m awesome.” “Wait.. Bolts before Colts?” Twilight asked. “Yeah.” Dash shrugged. “It’s pretty obvious. If you know someone on your team has their eye on a certain somepony then that pony is off-limits. Because the team comes first, because there’s no ‘me’ in team.” “Congratulations Rainbow Dash!” Discord beamed. “That’s actually the smartest thing I’ve ever heard you say.” “Thanks.” Rainbow grinned then did a doubletake. “Wait… what?” “Alright, I get that.” Pinkie Pie nodded. “But Rarity wasn’t the one interested in Spike. Spike was the one interested in Rarity. I mean, you can’t just set up a friend zone AND be special some ponies! And again, enchanted arrow, not my fault.” A letter appeared before Twilight in a burst of magical fire. “Ah, here’s Ember’s reply now. This should settle whether or not Spike is underage by Dragon Law. This whole thing could just be a silly little tiff over nothing.” “Dear Princess Twilight, Is that really a real question? Seriously? We were going to hand over our entire kingdom to Spike. In fact we did and he was briefly the Dragon Lord. Remember that thing that you were actually there to witness? Spike can make out with ponies if he wants to I guess. Since he likes ponies so much he can marry a pony for all I care. It’s not like I like him or anything. We’re just friends. BAKA! Sincerely, Dragon Lord Ember” “Well some dragon is feeling tsundere today.” Discord rolled his eyes. “I know, right?” Pinkie nodded in agreement. “But like I’ve been saying since I brought Spike back here, can we get him back to normal? It’s kinda fun having him fawn over me all the time, but it’s kinda sad too, because I know it’s just a spell, and when it’s over he’ll just go back to following Rarity around.” “Pinka… Pinkie dear,” Rarity’s voice softened. “I’m so terribly sorry. I’ve been so wrapped up in my jealousy that I never even thought about how hard this must be for you.” “It’s alright,” Pinkie Pie sighed. “Honestly I just want my friend back to normal.” “Well, that’s awkward enough by itself.” Twilight nodded. “If you hadn’t actually kissed Spike it would be pretty straight-forward. As it stands the spell can only be broken by a kiss from the pony who used the arrow in the first place.” “Whoa!” Rainbow objected. “Didn’t we just establish that Spike is an adult? Because Scootaloo is definitely NOT an adult.” “Where is Spike anyway?” Applejack cocked an eyebrow. “I restrained him to stop him from constantly making out with Pinkie Pie and locked him in the north tower until we could figure this out.” Twilight admitted with a heavy sigh. -=-=-=-=- “Okay, Spike, I’ve snuck in the castle and gone All The Way to the top of the north tower.” Scootaloo stared intently at restrained Dragon. “This is how this is gonna go down. I’m going to untie you. We’re going to tongue kiss, and you’re going to pet my mane, maybe grab my flank, and tell me I’m the Cutest Cutie Mark Crusader. Then I’m going to win the bet and prove that I am the most awesome Crusader.” “I thought you were trying to figure out which…” Spike shook his head quickly. “You know what. Never mind. Let’s just get this over with.” -=-=-=-=- A gaggle of adorable Kirin foals sat in a semi circle around an unseen mare as she finished her story. “And that is how your Aunt Scootaloo became the cutest Cutie Mark Crusader.
