Into The Trash It Goes

by Flutterpriest

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Cadance, Comedy, Random, Shining Armor, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Flurry Heart, Alternate Universe
Length: 1288

Princess Cadance and Shining Armor have to have a very serious discussion about parenthood. Not all ponies are responsible enough to be a parent. So, the two sit down to have a serious discussion. Very Serious.

Princess Cadance and Shining Armor have to have a very serious discussion about parenthood. Not all ponies are responsible enough to be a parent. So, the two sit down to have a serious discussion. Very Serious.

Caution: This fic is for terrible people. Like me. I'm a terrible person.

Written for anonpencil

Published 2017-01-14 04:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-01-14 04:50:01 UTC

Reduce, Reuse, Recycle

The Crystal Empire bustles quietly about in the peaceful summer day. Ponies travel from business districts to crystal suburbs to whatever else is in a city that isn't either of those things. They also do things in those places, but that's not the point. To hell with those ponies. We care about two very specific ponies. They live in a giant-ass crystal castle in the center of the entire empire and rule it generally when they feel like it.

Deep within that crystal castle of clear quartz lies the Princess of this land, Princess Cadance. She lays with her husband, Prince Shining Armor, by the fireside, watching the flames flicker and crackle. Neither pony was even remotely concerned that they were running a fire in a place with no clearly visible chimney, but they had done it before with no casualties so why not. Who's gonna stop them, the Princess?

Shining turned his head to his wife and studied her gaze carefully. His features were tightened, and the edges of his mouth were turned down in a serious manner. Cadance felt his gaze upon her, as is usual between married couples, and turned to him to look him in the eye. Funny enough, eye contact was something they did when they first met, and continued to do it quite often.

"Cadance," Shining said softly. "I... kinda want to talk about something."

"Yeah?" Cadance replied, using her mouth to make words. "What's on your mind, Shiney?"

Shining broke eye contact and looked down to the floor. He scratched his mane uncomfortably and cleared his throat before speaking once more.

"I've really been thinking. About this whole... baby thing."

"What about it?" Cadance asked. "You never seemed to have a problem with kids before."

"Well, see," he continued. "It's a big, scary world out there. There are giant monster attacks almost every day. Ponies get hurt. Some live and grow up in poverty, never knowing a decent life. And other Ponies are raised with a silver spoon and never know the word no."

"What are you saying?"

"Well. I guess. I'm starting to doubt that we're really... the right fit to be parents."

Cadance leaned back in shock. But not too far, because there was a fire. It was more like when you hear something that you didn't expect, and you have this moment where you jump in your seat. Bottom line, she was a little surprised.

"Why wouldn't we be?!" Cadance said.

"I just. We're royalty, Cadance. I mean, yesterday I had to work six whole hours at work! It was terrifying."

Cadance paused, looking at the ground.

"I suppose you're right. I did work five hours yesterday, then spent the rest of the day playing ping-pong with that weird guard with the accent."

"WAS IT ALFIE?!" Shining said excitedly.

"YES, THAT WAS HIM!" Cadance said with equal brimming excitement. "I usually just call him dude. It's what I call all the guards."

Shining nodded happily in agreement.

"Yeah, Alfie's cool."

The two stared into the fire for a hot minute. This was because the fire was hot and they stared at it for a minute.

"Oh right, I don't want to be a father," Shining said.

"Oh, right. Okay, sure whatever," Cadance replied.

They stared at the fire for another hot minute. Contrary to popular belief, hot minutes should be handled with great care to avoid being burned.

"Wait, Shining. I think we already are Parents," Cadance said.

"Shit. I think you're right. Now what do we do?"

Shining and Cadance stand over the cradle of their infant child, the Princess Flurry Heart. They look from each other, down to the baby. Flurry flared out her wings that would be large enough to take down a tall building, maybe two, and stared up at them with all of the love and adoration her grapefruit sized eyes could give. Which was about the volume of two grapefruits.

"Flurry, we need you to move out," Shining said firmly.

The two stood there, waiting patiently as Flurry proceeded to suck on one of her hooves.

"Honey, I think we have a failure to launch," Cadance said.

"Well, I just tried having a serious talk. Now what do we do?"

"Well, what do you do when you have things you don't want?" the pink pretty princess asked.

Shining scratched his head and paced about the room.

"Ever since we got here, I pretty much just threw things out windows. That usually keeps the place tidy."

"Oh, that's fair. Let's do that then."

Shining walks to Flurry Heart's crib, picks up the baby, and walks to the open balcony. Cadance followed behind him, because she still wanted to feel like she belonged. Shining held up the baby in his hooves, wound his dominant hoof back to propel the baby forward like a mighty javelin, and tried to think of an awesome one-liner.

"Consider this failure to launch, ejected."

He began to throw--

"WAIT!" Cadance screamed.

And then he waited.

"But I did the line," he said.

"I know but, I realized something. I don't think she can fly," Cadance said.

"But, wait. That was your job! I think," Shining said.

"Until five minutes ago, we forgot we had a baby."

"Oh, right. So now what do we do?"

Cadance paced the balcony, trying to figure out what the hell they could do with a baby.

"The black market is too sketchy these days," Cadance said. "Every time I try to find a dealer, they just run away begging not to be arrested."

"Well, it's not like we can just give the baby to someone!" Shining said. "What if they hurt the baby?!"

"Good point," Cadance agreed with a nod. "That's something that must be avoided at all costs."

Shining walked back inside, because it was getting cold out and he didn't have a blanket, when he froze dead in his tracks. He wasn't actually freezing, it's just a figure of speech. He immediately saw the answer to their problems.

"Cadance, check this out," he urgently said to his wife.

Cadance trotted over to him, not because she does what she's told, but because she felt like doing it at the time.

"What am I looking at?" she asks, looking at a small rectangular thing in front of them.

"I think it's a trash can," Shining said. "My Mom always told me that's where my hoofnail clippings should go, but I never usually listened. I think ponies take what gets put in these, and carry it away."

"Where to?" Cadance asked. "What are the intricate details of Equestrian Sanitation in the Crystal Empire?"

"I don't know, but it sounds like a load of garbage. But, my point is, we could put Flurry Heart here, and then she'll get carried away to a magical land of waste."

"Woah," Cadance replied. "She'd be, like, a waste Queen."

"Queen of the Wasteland."

"I wanna be a Queen," Cadance said.

"I don't think you're trash though. So you can't."

"Oh, okay."

Shining looked from the baby to the trash can in front of him. He felt like he should say something important, and give something profound before sending Flurry on a magical journey to discover herself, show rats who's boss, and to survive on refuse like all of the other orphans.

"See ya."

And with that, Shining tossed Flurry Heart into the trash. She bounced on the rim twice before falling in. A loud cry filled the nursery.

"So, how long does it take for her to go?" Cadance asked.

"I dunno. Wanna go get ice cream?"

"Heck yeah!"

And so the lovely couple left the nursery, proud of what they accomplished today.