Prince Shining ArmorView OnlineColgates Rants 5Prince Shining ArmorHi, it's me Colgate again. As you all know, I have seen more patients than I can count and quite a few of them are either idiots who don't brush or non-paying bums that I have to punish. Here is the new list and let me tell you, some of them piss me off more than you can imagine. As many of you know I am starting to get more and more patients coming down from the Crystal Empire. Perhaps it is because their local dentist died or something but hey, it's all good because I get more income, YAY! The royal family up there has made me their official dentist, despite me being a complete bitch towards them most of the time. I've seen Cadence, who you all know that I own, Flurry Heart, who likes to damage things and this time I get to see Prince Shining Armor, woo-hoo! One day he came in and in most cases he would have left his wife and daughter with Twilight. This wasn't the case this time though as Twilight ran off to Canterlot a couple days ago. She said something about having to "perform her royal duties" with Celestia. I have a feeling that Celestia may be doing something with my property that will piss me off but I have bigger problems, such as Shining Armor's appointment and making sure his daughter doesn't destroy anything. Normally I would have made sure he had a way to pay but hey, if he doesn't have any money on him, I'll just take something from their treasury again. Once I got him back he was very apprehensive about opening his mouth and I had a feeling I know why. He doesn't take any better care of his teeth than his sister does. Oh wait, his are worse! He had five cavities and advanced gingivitis. Yeah his weren't the worst teeth I've ever seen but it is the principle of the matter. Like every other pansy with bad teeth, I had to pry his mouth open with my magic so I could get to work on them. Want to know something else? He began fidgeting and squirming in the chair and that made things more difficult on me so I did what any good Alicorn dentist would do, I stunned him for a while. I would have simply beat him until he was unconscious but I didn't want everypony thinking Cadence is a husband beater. While he was laying there stunned, I got to work on him. It wasn't long until he, despite being stunned, began to scream in agony! Oh shit, I forgot to sedate his mouth, oopsie! Well I sedated his mouth and everything else went alright, for the most part. The only problem I had was when Flurry Heart came flying back to check on her daddy. Well she damaged the exact same light fixture she did last time she was here before landing on my back and embracing me. Ok, I'll admit, she's adorable as hell despite liking to break things but because of the damage she caused, her parents will be billed for it. Once I got him finished and led him up front I discovered that like always, the only thing the royal couple was carrying were their stupid TiaCare cards so once again we headed up to the Crystal Empire. I knew exactly what I wanted and Cadence knew it as well. When we arrived up there, we headed to the treasury and I began to levitate that silver Alicorn statue to myself. Yeah Cadence wasn't one bit pleased about it but she knows the terms of my agreements. What would happen next would be even funnier. As I was carrying that statue to the royal train, Flurry Heart was STILL riding on my back and when Cadence went to get her, she fired energy at her and clung to me more tightly! After another ten minutes of Cadence trying to get her, she finally let go of me. I do have a feeling though that one day she may turn on her parents and want me to play the mother role for her. If that was to happen, I'd raise her to be my hygienist so I'm not cleaning teeth all the time. That way I could see more patients and bring in even more money! Now that I have this silver Alicorn statue, I am going to have to build my own personal treasury onto my home. After all, with everything I've took from them, the yak statue and all the relics I store for Daring Do, I need somewhere to store them. Just for the fun of it I'm going to put my private office in there so I can admire all my pretties too!
Quibble PantsView OnlineColgates Rants 5Quibble PantsMy next patient really pissed me off and I'll tell you why. Well I was getting ready to close shop early one day because there was a Daring Do convention going on but some whiny voiced idiot in cosplay came in crying about getting a tooth knocked out by a Caballeron cosplayer over who the better character was. I've been to many conventions but at least there everypony was civil, well towards me anyway. Alright, back to this idiot. He comes in demanding that I fix his tooth and since the convention lasted all weekend and I wasn't supposed to meet with Daring Do and Caballeron until the following day I checked to see if he had a way to pay. Now this guy is an idiot, he handed me his wallet to check for an insurance card! Well I was digging through it and he did indeed have insurance, a debit card and some paper bits too! Want to know the funny thing? While he wasn't looking I stole 200 bits worth of his money! There is lesson number one, never hand a complete stranger your whole wallet! Just hand them your card to prove you have insurance. With that out of the way I was suddenly in a very good mood but who wouldn't be after getting away with a couple hundred bits? Well I take him back and he sees these autographed posters for the Daring Do books I have been in and he goes into a rage claiming that he refuses to acknowledge said books. Now I know this guy is an idiot. He ranted on and on about there being no way that Caballeron and Ahuizotl would be able to get an Alicorn to side with him. I couldn't help but laugh at this idiot as he continued to get more and more agitated. Finally after twenty minutes of his ranting I smacked him and told him that if he kept on bitching that he would incur extra charges, a lot of extra charges so luckily for me, he shut the hell up. Like every other chickenshit patient, I had to use my magic to pry his mouth open and my first thought was "What the fuck?" Not only was he missing the tooth the Caballeron cosplayer knocked out, but he had several other broken teeth. Naturally his answer was idiotic. He claimed that once he had to stay with a family of earth ponies that eat rocks, well it was either that or he slept out in the cold. The good old Pie family, gotta love them, right? I was quickly getting sick of him so I slugged him so hard I gave him a concussion, that made working on him go much more smoothly. Not only did he have jagged and broken teeth but he also had several cavities. Ugh, why can't ponies just take care of their teeth? Is it too much to ask? Enough about that, while he was a bit out of it I decided to do to him what I did to that idiot crystaller, I took a saw and cut his teeth down to where they were the same length. Now he must recover quickly because before I even got done he began to come to and shook his head. Now that was funny because I still had the saw going and it cut the inside of his mouth! What made that so funny was that he began to choke on his blood. I decided to be nice so I leaned him up and cleared his airway. Now this was a mistake because he got a good look at my diploma and began to go off, again! I still remember him shouting, "Wait a minute, Dr. Colgate Minuette? As in Dr. Minuette from the Daring Do books?" I couldn't help but laugh as he was getting agitated over an antagonist working on him. It then hit him, the Daring Do books are not works of fiction, they are actual accounts of Daring Do's adventures. I realized that I can not have anypony knowing the truth so first I used a stun spell on him, knocking him unconscious. Then I decided I would just take my payment early. I ran his insurance card and surprisingly it paid 90%. You know what, I decided it was time to overcharge somepony again in the event somepony genuinely needs help with their dental bill. Since he was unconscious I overbilled him with the debit card and I stole the rest of his money. It's not like he would need it anyway. After that I decided to use a special spell I have never used before, a memory eradication spell. Let's just say that he wound up losing two weeks of his memory so when he finally came to a couple weeks later in the Everfree Forest he had no idea where he was or how he got there. Oh well, I got paid and that is all that matters. Oh and to top things off, the next day when I met with Daring Do and Caballeron I learned that I have to break into the royal palace in Saddle Arabia and steal this bronze sun statue. Apparently Ahuizotl is going to try to fry a remote corner of Equestria again and even better, I get to be there for the ceremony again. I do hope that in the end I get paid well for it and get to "store" it for safe keeping afterwards!
Limestone and Marble Pie View OnlineColgates Rants 5Limestone and Marble Pie Limestone and Marble Pie Like what has happened in other instances, I had two ponies that seemed somewhat similar come in one day. One was a lighter gray while the other was darker gray but what surprised me is that Pinkie accompanied them. Now naturally I wanted to find out why they came and very soon I would. Those two gray ponies are actually Pinkie's sisters! Now how could that be? Yeah I know of siblings that are of somewhat different colors but Pinkie is radically different. Oh well, maybe her coat is a result of a recessive gene becoming dominant. The first one on the schedule was the one that was a slightly darker shade of gray with a lighter gray mane, Limestone. I could tell by the look on her face that she was likely going to be one intense patient. Before I could even ask her, she pulled out an insurance card and handed it to me. Now I have never seen one like this before, "Rock Farmers' Insurance." I decided I better check the back to make sure it is not a subsidiary of TiaCare. Luckily for me, it wasn't. The whole way back I could feel Limestone's scowl piercing my very soul. If she wasn't a rock farmer I would probably offer her Aria's job because she would be perfect for it. Oh well, I don't see her leaving the farm anytime soon. Once I got her sat down she immediately opened her mouth for me to take a look at and I swear, I have never seen teeth in better shape in my life. Now Pinkie had told me about what her sisters' diets mainly consist of and I was surprised that they weren't jagged or broken off. Perhaps it is just something about them in particular, that their lineage has developed stronger teeth because of generations of eating rocks. Cleaning her teeth was a breeze because they didn't even have any debris on them! Despite hearing the good news, she still had a scowl on her face and a snarl to her voice. Once I was done with her, I took her up and ran her card through. My initial reaction was, "You've got to be kidding me!" Get this, her insurance paid 100% of her bill. Yep, it covered all of it. Now most ponies would be thrilled to hear that they don't have to pay anything but surprisingly, her mood didn't change any. Maybe it is just how a pony is after working years on the rock farm. Maud is rather emotionless and Limestone seems very intense. Now we shall see how her sister is. Before I took her back, I took a look at Marble's card as well. Now this is surprising, she doesn't even have the same insurance that her sister does! You'd think that they would have the same but hopefully it will cover her appointment. I took her back and good grief she is quiet, very quiet and a bit timid. I had no problems getting her to open her mouth and just like her sister, her teeth were perfectly fine. I know a little bit about how things are out there on the rock farm from Maud so it is no surprise. A pony without sweets in their diet is likely going to have good teeth and on a more important note, a pony with good teeth creates a happy Colgate, well in most instances anyway. After getting her taken care of I took her up front and ran her card through. I was expecting the same thing but the insurance declined payment! You know why? It claimed I was out of that company's network. Oh boy, Marble is going to pay if her insurance is what I think it is. I took a look on the back of the card and guess what? This insurance of hers is a subsidiary of TiaCare! Why the hell would she not have the same insurance as her sister? I just assumed the whole family would have the same insurance. In most instances I would have smacked Marble but with Limestone watching my every move I knew I better not. With her attitude, despite me being a powerful Alicorn, she could still do some serious damage. Limestone did intervene though. She had me run her card for her sister but there was one problem, Marble wasn't on her policy so it declined payment. Finally Pinkie ran over to Sugarcube Corner and had Mr. Cake come over. Yeah he wasn't thrilled about it but Mr. Cake paid me the 150 bits that Marble owed me. I did give her and Limestone some advice though. I told Limestone she should just put her sister on her plan to make everypony's lives easier but she began bitching about how much more that would cost her. Apparently they all pay for their own healthcare separately. Oh well, I got my money and that is all that mattered.
Zesty GourmandView OnlineColgates Rants 5Zesty GourmandMy next patient is one who at one time was considered to be the "Queen of Cuisine," Zesty Gourmand. Yep, that snobby old hag who always rated the restaurants up in Canterlot decided to come and see me. Now before I begin this I can't help but wonder why anypony would listen to her views when it comes to food. I think I'd rather eat out of a dumpster than eat from anyplace up there that has three of her hoofprints on it. Now on to her appointment. She came in with that normal pompous look on her face. I know enough about that bitch that I'm thinking I might just do some unnecessary work! Before I took her back she showed me her insurance card and I already knew what the result would be. I have seen that customer service number enough to know it is a subsidiary of TiaCare but hey, I'm sure she'll have something I can take. Maybe if she doesn't have the money on her, I can take another horn, you never know when Ahuizotl will need one! Once I got her back she was a bit hesitant to open her mouth and this surprised me. I would think that a pony who places so much importance on food that she wouldn't be scared. Oh wait, the restaurants up there that she rates so high serve nothing but shit that causes tooth rot so no wonder. Once I got a good look at her, I discovered that she had four cavities and three rotten teeth. That is unacceptable, absolutely unacceptable. Now given this bitch is older than dirt one part of me just wanted to throw her out but if I want to be compensated one way or another, I would need to do some work on her. Given that she required three implants and four fillings, I decided that I would just schedule her for a Saturday and overcharge her a ton like I do all the other rats I schedule for Saturdays. Hey, she's rich so she can afford it. Once Saturday arrived she came in with a scowl on her face but she wasn't the only one. Yeah I know I bitch about seeing ponies on weekends and bring it upon myself but hey, I can not inconvenience patients that have appointments during the week! Once I got her taken back I got to work on her. Get this though, when I went to sedate her mouth for the work I had to do, she bit me! Yes, she bit me! Want to know the funny thing though, I wound up accidentally ramming that needle into her tongue so she couldn't bitch anymore. Like I do with so many other problematic patients, I smacked her to the point where I had given her a concussion. Now that made life much easier for the both of us. She was laying there not quite knowing everything that was going on and I could hopefully work on her without being bit again. Speaking of being bit, I'm billing that bitch ten times the cost of what the rabies shot cost. It took me a good part of the day but I finally got her done and when I led her up front, I was in a very bad mood. I ran her insurance card through and despite already knowing that it would be declined, it pissed me off when I got the response "Out of company network." Apparently I must have smacked her a whole lot harder than I thought because she didn't give much of a reaction when I threw the damn thing back in her face. Back to what I was saying earlier about Ahuizotl. Yes he may need another unicorn horn at some point but when I took a closer look at her horn, I noticed it was not big like that of Fancy Pants or Blueblood so chances are it would not be of any use to him. Given that I am a princess I did something much more satisfying. I seized her assets, all her assets! I seized her house, I seized all of her bank accounts and I seized a restaurant she owned in Manehattan. Now the bitch is flat broke and has nowhere to live but you know what? I DON'T CARE! She has been an arrogant bitch her whole life and from what I understand she is now living in the Everfree Forest. Maybe if we're lucky the timberwolves will kill her and rid the world of her arrogance. Oh well, once I sold off her properties and moved her assets into my Neighmand Islands account, I had made considerably more than what she owed me and like always, that made me very happy!
Lyra HeartstringsView OnlineColgates Rants 5Lyra HeartstringsMy next rant will involve a patient who is very dear to me, my baby sister Lyra Heartstrings. While I love her dearly, I simply can't keep this bottled up anymore. I've never wanted to believe that she would be like this, I've always thought she was a good mare and brushed and given that she lives with me, I should have noticed when she didn't go through toothpaste as quickly as I do. Here is how it went. The time had come for Lyra's six month checkup and of course it was on a weekend. Hey, I can't have her inconveniencing my paying patients but something seemed different this time. Normally she happily comes with me to my office, gets up in the chair and opens her mouth. This time she was apprehensive about coming to the office and seemed scared to open her mouth. I knew that this could only mean one thing, she has been neglecting her teeth! I eventually got her to open her mouth and sure enough, they were covered in plaque and even worse, she had a cavity! My baby sister had a cavity. Now this is completely unacceptable and could be potentially harmful to my business. If other ponies found out that my baby sister had a cavity, they may think that I'm not that good of a dentist and start going out of town so this had to remain a heavily guarded secret. Now she knew that I would not hurt her so I had no problems getting her teeth cleaned BUT when I went to inject the numbing agent into her mouth she jerked her head to the side and I accidentally rammed the syringe into her tongue. Well shit, now I've numbed my sister's tongue. Oh well, it will keep her from talking during this procedure. Well I finally got her mouth numbed and got to work. While she tried to look like she wasn't scared, I could tell she was. Now I'm genuinely hurt that she would be scared of me! Yeah I get pissed when she leaves her My Little Human comics laying all over the place or tries to get into my treasury to see all my pretties but she should know I would never hurt her. Once I got her cavity filled and the numbing agent wore off, I was going to get to the bottom of this. I wanted to know exactly why her teeth were in such poor shape. After interrogating her for thirty minutes I finally discovered that she has only been brushing once a day, right before she goes to bed. Well that is part of it but it can't be the only reason. There was simply too much plaque for that. Next up I decided to interrogate my lovelies and all of them claimed they didn't know anything but one of them had a guilty smile on her face, Sonata Dusk. I knew how kind and sweet Sonata was so I again asked her if she knew anything. She continued to deny any knowledge until I threatened that I would not get her or fix her any tacos for SIX MONTHS unless she told me. Finally she caved in and told me how my sister was begging her and Cheerilee for some chocolates. Given that Cheerilee earns money she was able to buy some for her. Now my hot little siren and my sexy school teacher are going to pay, and so is Lyra. After this I decided to do the following. I FORCED Cheerilee to hand her checks over to me so she can't go buying things that may lead to the corruption of another pony. I forbade Sonata from having any tacos for a month and to punish Lyra, using the parental controls on my cable box, I blocked My Little Human for a month. That should teach those three a valuable lesson. For Cheerilee and Sonata, I own them and they better not break my rules any more OR ELSE! And Lyra learned that if she doesn't take care of her teeth, I'll take My Little Human away from her. If she does this again, I'm blocking that show for six months.
TwistView OnlineColgates Rants 5TwistAs you all know, with the exception of the Cake Twins, most of my patients have been adults but one day I had a school aged filly come in, alone! Yep, Twist came in alone. What I'd like to know is where the hell her parents were. Certainly she isn't living alone already at her age. Well she handed me an insurance card, "Candy Makers, Inc." insurance. What the hell, she has her own insurance plan at such a young age. Well I'm sure her parents pay the premiums for her so I took her back. As you all know, she makes candy canes and other types of sweets and often uses high fructose corn syrup which is far worse for the teeth than real sugar is. Now this is one strike against her and I have a feeling that she probably taste tests her treats before deciding to sell them. I have a feeling that this is going to be a very long, taxing appointment. Surprisingly, she headed back with me and got in the chair with no problems. Either she is a very brave filly or she brushes six times a day if not more. When she opened her mouth I discovered that it was the former rather than the later. Her teeth were in horrendous shape! She had one rotten tooth, which is fewer than I thought, seven cavities, no big surprise there and a couple of her teeth were about to break apart. I have a feeling I will be making a killing with this appointment. First I decided that the rotten tooth had to be taken care of so after numbing her mouth I ripped it out and screwed in a replacement. While I was doing this she screamed and then kicked me! Yep, she kicked me! While she did no damage and luckily did not bite me, well at that point, I figured a simple fifty bit addition to her bill would suffice. Next up would be doing the fillings and she seemed to be a bit afraid of the equipment I use to fill teeth because she shied back when I went to drill a bit before I started doing the actual filling. Now here is where things began to get interesting. The numbing agent was beginning to wear off and she began howling in pain. It is always so much fun to see them howl in pain but it did piss me off. As you all know I listen to Judas Priest and other classic metal a lot in my office and suddenly I couldn't hear it so I did what any good dentist would do, I smacked her. Unfortunately that did not have the desired results. I hoped it would shut the little rat up but all it did was cause her to start using words that a filly should not be using! Now I must punish her for behaving in a way that is uncouth for fillies so I took her out of the chair, took her over my foreleg and beat her flank until it was red. Damn I love being the most powerful pony in Equestria because I can do anything I damn well please and get away with it. After beating her flank and making her cry like a newborn foal, I strapped her back in and got back to work on her. Finally I got her cavity filled but there was still one problem, those teeth of hers that were about to break apart. I couldn't help but wonder what to do with them. Would I just smash them and give her implants or would I wait for them to fall apart on their own and wait for her to come back for a second appointment? I decided I would do the former because I do not like her and her desire to ruin everypony's teeth and I did not want to have to put up with her again....well any time soon. Here is what I did, I slugged her so hard it shattered her teeth and knocked a couple others out. Oopsie, I'll have to give her more implants! She was fuming at this point and started calling me every name in the book. What a little bitch. I decided the hell with it and drug her up to the front and ran her card through. I would not be pleased with what happened when I ran her card through, it was declined because I am out of their company network. I looked at the phone number on the back of it and sure enough, it was another subsidiary of TiaCare and you know how I feel about ponies who give me TiaCare cards! Ok, this rat is in for it now. Even though there were a few other patients in the waiting room I grabbed her in my aura and dragged her to her house. I began to look around and I saw something I wanted, something that would devastate Twist. I decided to confiscate her candy machine. Her parents were home and they threatened to turn me into Celestia for abusing their rat and stealing their daughter's method of contributing to the family. Of course when I told them that I'm the number one princess in Equestria they began to beg and plead with me but I didn't care. I'm taking this and to top things off, I banned the production, consumption, possession, transport and sale of all treats with high fructose corn syrup in it in Ponyville and everywhere within a 100 mile radius of it. Naturally as I was hauling that candy machine off to my treasury Twist and her family were claiming they would go out of town to see another dentist. Well that ain't happening because I faxed every other dentist in Equestria and told them not to take Twist or her parents as patients because they are non-paying bums. To make things better I got replies from them all saying that they won't accept them. Good, I am beginning to think that I should do this with every patient who either can't pay me or pisses me off in any other way. I'll make it to where once you are a patient of mine, you will always be a patient of mine. Hey, I can confiscate property, confiscate valuable possessions or in worst case scenarios, cast them into Tartarus. Remember this, nopony tries to cheat me out of my money nor do they treat me in a disrespectful manner. If they do, they might wind up just like Twist. They'll have their means of making a living taken away, they'll get injured, I'll fix it to where no other dentist will see them and like I did with one pony in the past, I'll destroy their credit rating. Long story short, if you wrong me I OWN YOU. Damn I love being the most powerful pony in Equestria!
The Flower MaresView OnlineColgates Rants 5The Flower MaresMy next rant took place at a time I generally would not schedule patients for but because of a troublesome candy maker and all the problems she caused me, I had to reschedule some appointments. Remember how I said that I had a few patients in the waiting area when I dragged Twist over to her house so I could collect my payment? Well it was those three that I had to schedule for a Saturday. On that day I had Lily, Daisy and Roseluck come in for their appointments. This should be fun, very fun! When they came in they were cheerful like they normally are and surprisingly, so was I. Yeah having to work on them meant that was one less day with my lovelies but hey, I'll still have some eye candy so it's no biggie. Naturally though, before I would work on any of them I asked them how they planned to pay. All three of them pulled out their insurance cards and handed them to me. They had Floral Associates, LTD insurance. Now I had never even heard of it but I did want to make sure it wasn't a subsidiary of TiaCare. I looked on the back of their cards and luckily for them the number was not that of TiaCare or anything close to it so I took all three of them back at once. Hey, three sexy flanks to stare at all at once beats only one at a time, right? Lily Valley The first hottie I got to work on was Lily Valley. Like many patients she was apprehensive about getting up in the chair and when it came to opening her mouth, I had to pry her mouth open with my magic. Now I honestly don't know why she was so scared, all she had was a thin layer of plaque on her teeth. Perhaps she was scared because she saw how I was with Twist but hey, she didn't need to be. As long as a patient takes good care of their teeth and pays me, I'm fine! Ok, about her teeth. They weren't in bad shape but still, she had a layer of plaque on her teeth so she had to be punished. How I would go about this I'm not sure but I'll come up with something. Now one thing did piss me off, she began to bite down on my equipment as I was cleaning her teeth! Normally I would have smacked her or yelled at her but in her case, I figured billing her a bit more would suffice. It didn't take me long to get her taken care of but since I took them back all at once, I decided that I would simply run all their cards at once when I was done with them. However, I did want to do a little something fun. Before I let her out of the chair, I held Lily in my aura, leaned in and began to talk in a tone of voice that would make most ponies fear for their lives. Then came the fun part, since her mouth was nice and clean I kissed her! I held her in a deep kiss and the responses from Daisy and Roseluck confirmed something I knew all along. They yelled at me for kissing their marefriend! Yes, now maybe I can use this as leverage against the other two. If they have bad teeth or can not pay me, I'll just take Lily away from them! Why didn't I think about that when I was dealing with Flitter and Cloudchaser? Rather than being mean and biting off body parts, I should have just kissed them because they have had a thing going on since they were fillies. Oh well, I can't turn back time but with these three, I could use my power in any way I wanted to. Daisy Once I got Lily taken care of, I got hottie number two secured in the chair, Daisy. Much like her marefriend, she was apprehensive about opening her mouth. When she opened her mouth though I would not be overly pleased with what I saw. Her teeth were covered in plaque to the point where they were somewhat yellow. Now this is just disgusting! To make matters worse she had a couple of cavities. Like with Lily, I was not going to abuse this hot little florist but I did give her a very stern lecture about the importance of taking care of her teeth before I got to work on her. Given the nature of her problems, I decided I would clean her teeth first, which was rather taxing. While I have had many, many ponies with teeth in far worse shape than hers, that plaque wound up being a royal pain to remove. I'm not sure what the hell she eats but if I were to have my way, that diet of hers would change pronto. Once I finally got that plaque cleaned off I went to take care of those cavities. Of course she shied back when I grabbed the needle to inject the numbing agent into her mouth. Of course I expected this because anypony would be scared to see a needle coming at their mouth. Surprisingly she took the shot quite well and once her mouth was good and numb I got to work on the cavities. Taking care of those cavities was a cakewalk because they weren't that deep and she sat still. It didn't take long for me to get that done but there was still one little problem, those yellow teeth. Ugh, she may be a little hottie but those teeth are a major turnoff. Now I had two choices, I could either use the most high power tooth whitening agent on the face of the planet or I could just use my magic to fix them. I decided to go with the whitening agent because using my magic for this would not only be extremely expensive, but it would go against my core beliefs. Like I said, this whitening agent is very powerful. It is also rare, so rare that I am only one of three dentists on the face of the planet to possess it. She gave me a nervous look as I began to scrub her teeth with it but you're not going to believe this, it only partially removed the stains! What the hell does she do, drink five cups of coffee or more a day? Well I asked her about this and she drinks seven cups a day. How the hell could anypony stand to drink that much of it. Hell one cup a year is more than enough for me! I'll tell you one thing, if I had my way her coffee drinking days would be over. Eventually I had to resort to the most expensive method possible, I used my magic to whiten her teeth. I'm not sure if her insurance will even cover magical tooth whitening but if it doesn't and she can't pay me, I have other plans in mind, plans that her marefriends may not like but plans that I certainly will like! Roseluck Once I got Daisy taken care of, I got the third and hottest of these hotties up into the chair, Roseluck. Remember how I told you that getting her marefriends' mouths open was tough? With her it was even more difficult, even with my magic! Oh boy, she must be hiding something, something that she knows will really piss me off. Once I finally got her mouth open I would be disgusted by what I would see. Wouldn't you know it, the sexiest of the three would have to have the worst teeth. She had three rotted teeth, six cavities and advanced gingivitis. Now this is a problem, a major problem. When I told her the bad news she screamed, "The horror, oh the horror!" That has always made me a bit, or should I say a lot, turned on. Like always, I would clean her teeth first which actually proved to be no problem as she has seen me before for a teeth cleaning. Of course back then she took care of her teeth and had no reason to do her sexy scream but that was then, this is now. After that I decided it was time to take care of those rotten teeth. We can't have the absolute sexiest florist in the history of ponykind walking around with rotted teeth now can we? Of course first I had to sedate her mouth with the most powerful sedatives I had. Once that took full affect I began my work. With her I decided to be extra delicate because I'll admit, I did have plans for her. First came removing the rotted teeth and putting in implants and like it always is, blood ran out from where those teeth were but luckily for her, I had my liquid sucking device to take care of it. After all, I didn't want her choking on her own blood. Once I got the implants put in I took care of those cavities while the sedative was still keeping her mouth numb. Her cavities, much like Daisy's, were relatively shallow and caused me no problems which was good for her because it was just a few minutes after I got the last cavity filled that the sedative began to wear off. Yes it was somewhat uncomfortable for her but hey, those implants are going to be much more preferable for her than those rotted teeth would have been. Now for the gingivitis. That had to be taken care of no matter what the cost so I decided to simply use my magic to get rid of it, at an extremely high cost. She better hope that her insurance covers most if not all of this because if it doesn't, she may not be able to pay me what she owes me and you know what happens to ponies who can't pay me what they owe me! The Aftermath Once all three of them were taken care of, I led them up front to run their cards through. Despite them all having the same insurance, I knew that they would have different co-pays given what had to be done to them. I decided to first run Lily's card since she required the least work and guess what, when I ran it through it said that I was out of their company's network. This of course meant that I would get the same result from the other two cards. Normally this would really piss me off but this time I was excited, very excited! I knew these mares had no way to pay me what they owed me and they looked scared because they knew how I was when it comes to things like this. Given the seductive looks I was giving them I didn't think they would be nervous, I thought they would be just as, if not more excited than I was. I began to discuss with them what their ~~punishment~~ reward would be for not being able to pay me. I told them that come Monday morning, I will be rescheduling appointments and that we were heading to Canterlot so they could sign their property over to me. Hey, they owed me a lot of money and I wasn't about to let them get off scot-free. One bit of good news for them though, I decided to let them keep their business so they can continue to contribute to society. Besides, one day I may decide to marry Amethyst or Sea Swirl and I do need a florist for the wedding, if it ever happens. When I told them this Roseluck, just like always, yelled, "The horror, oh the horror!" Come on now Rose, don't do that! You're making me want to set my next part of the plan into motion right away! You know what, forget it. I decided to do it right then and there. I called the house and told Starlight that she can dominate the harem all she wants and to punish anypony who doesn't let her do what she wants to them. Once I got that done, I decided to tell the sexy florists about the rest of what would happen. I brought out the customer/doctor agreements for each of them and told them that they would become part of my harem. I told them that I could do whatever I wanted to to them and that it would most likely result in some very sexy and wonderful moments. They seemed unsure at first but once I told them that they could continue to engage in the sexy times they do together at home, they enthusiastically agreed. Sweet! I now had three more lovelies, very sexy lovelies! After I got off the phone with Starlight I led my lovelies downstairs for their initiation ceremony, one in which I was certain they would enjoy just as much as I did. What made this extra fun was that while I worked on one of them, the other two worked on each other. I tell you, their squeals got me so hot, especially when Roseluck would call out, "The horror, oh the horror!" I'm going to love owning these three, perhaps even more than Sonata and you know how good she is! Given that my harem is getting huge, I decided that I was going to do something I should have done a long time ago. I am the number one princess so I decided to seize Twilight's castle and make it MY castle. What was her bedroom became MY bedroom! Of course I had to make a few changes. I knocked down a couple walls to make it big enough to accommodate me and all my lovelies. Hey, we needed a huge bed in there because I decided I would force all of them to sleep with me every single night! Yes Twilight objected to this at first but all I had to do was remind her of our agreement and that got her in line. Besides, I was getting sick and tired of not having her with me every night. With it being MY castle now, that map thing of hers had to go and so did the thrones. Where she and her friends will hold their mindless cutie mark meetings from now on I'm not sure but I don't care, well unless one of her mindless adventures keeps her from performing her royal duties! Now with this taken care of, I have plenty of room to allow my harem to continue to grow and grow but there is one problem, most of the hotties in town already belong to me. Hell, maybe Cadence will be unable to pay sometime in the future and I can force her to divorce Shining Armor and move in with me. Now that would certainly be fun, tons of fun, not just for me but for my harem as well.
Cadence's Mane StylistView OnlineColgates Rants 5Cadence's Mane StylistThe Appointment Like I have said before I have been getting more and more patients coming from the Crystal Empire and the next one is part of the royal system up there. Is she royalty? No she is not but she does work close with my lovely pink ~~princess~~ slave. My patient was the one who always made Cadence's mane all hideous whenever she had important guests visiting up there. When she came in I tapped my hoof on my sign regarding payment and she handed me her insurance card. CrystalCare? I knew exactly what it was, it was a subsidiary of TiaCare but rather than being pissed, the wheels in my mind began to turn. While I have taken things from the treasury up there before, there is one thing that I have always wanted but have not been able to get. I'll tell you one thing, if this pony can't pay, my ultimate dream will come true. After looking at her card I took her back and I swear, she must not have heard about what a bitch I am when it comes to ponies who don't take care of their teeth because she happily opened her mouth and revealed something horrible. Her teeth were crusted with plaque so badly that like other patients, they were yellow! Now she didn't have any cavities but she did have quite a few chipped and cracked teeth. Naturally I asked her about this and like I get from other ponies from up there, she said it was a tradition for her to try and eat crystals. I swear, these crystal ponies must be complete idiots. They know the damn things break their teeth but there is one thing that I am going to have to find out though, how the hell do they digest these crystals? Are they somehow related to the Pie family or do they merely try to chew them up and then spit them out? Oh well, I can figure that out later, I have a patient who could make my dreams come true to deal with right now. I hadn't done anything truly sadistic for a while and I wanted to have some fun. Like I told you, her teeth were crusted with plaque so I decided to use a mechanical brush with my strongest whitening toothpaste on it. This was not any regular brush though, it had metallic bristles. Oooh, this is going to be fun, and likely bloody. Once I got started she began to scream in agony and blood quickly began gushing out of her mouth and naturally some dripped back in her throat and choked her. Hey I'm not all bad so I did clear her airway! By the time I was done cleaning her teeth they were stained red with blood and her gums were torn up but you know what? I don't care! Ponies should know that if they don't take care of their teeth, that bad things are going to happen. Now, she still had one little problem, those broken off, uneven length teeth. Of course I've dealt with this before and like with the others, I took a saw and cut those teeth down to where they were of even length. Once I got finished, she bolted out of that chair and get this, she tried rushing out the door without paying me and for that the royals will be punished! Now of course I knew her insurance wouldn't cover anything but maybe she has bits on her. I grabbed her in my aura and dragged her back to the counter where I ran her card. Just like with every other TiaCare subsidiary, it said that I was out of their company network. She was obviously unhappy over this and unfortunately for her, she had no money, so her and I took a little trip to the Crystal Empire. Collecting the Ultimate Payment After boarding the train I could tell that she was nervous, well part of that may be because I gave her a sadistic grin the whole way up there as I dreamed of what would soon be mine. Once we arrived I ordered her to take me to the crystal castle. When we got out there, Cadence was out with Flurry Heart. Of course the moment Flurry Heart saw me, she began giggling, flew over to me, landed on my back and wrapped her hooves around me. She is such a sweet little thing, I can't wait to tell Cadence about my plans and I guarantee you, Flurry will love them! Cadence gave me a nervous look and asked me what happened. I told her about how her mane stylist could not pay her bill so I had come to get compensation for my work. She immediately led me over towards the treasury and it just so happens that we wound up walking by the crystal heart. I stopped, pointed my wing at it and ordered, "The crystal heart. Give it to me, now!" Of course she flat out refused because without it, the empire would freeze over and cease to exist but I don't care. It ain't just the heart that I want! Remember, Shining Armor has been unable to pay me and so has Cadence so that means they are forever bound to my agreement. Would I take the heart right the and there, not yet. I decided to have a meeting with the royal couple up there. Once we got into the throne room Cadence tried to levitate her daughter off of my back. Key word though, tried! She managed to break Cadence's aura and clung to me tighter. Then the funniest thing ever happened. She leaned forward and said "ma-ma" right into my ear! Oh how sweet, little Flurry Heart thinks I'm her mama! Well that gave me an idea, one that Cadence would hate but like I said, Flurry would love it. The first thing I did was tell those two that I am taking Flurry Heart away from them because they were unfit parents. Of course they asked why but you know what? I simply told them that I was taking her because I could but Flurry wasn't the only thing I would take. Right then and there I decided to dissolve their marriage. Hey, I want Cadence full time and whatever I want, I get! I am the number one princess and that is how things work in Equestria. Both of them objected and what was even funnier is that since those two were no longer married, Shining Armor was no longer a prince so I decided that he would return to being a guard pony. Would I put him in Ponyville? Hell no I wouldn't, I don't want him anywhere near my new lovely pink sex slave so I sent him to Manehattan to guard the museum. Yeah the pay isn't good but he'll make it, well somewhat anyway. Now the three of us were on the way to the train station to begin our new lives when I realized I was forgetting one thing, the thing that I went up there for, the crystal heart. The moment I took that thing out of its holding thing, the skies turned orange like they did when there was no love or light protecting that place. Now for the fun part, what will happen when I get it out of there! The arctic reclaimed what rightfully belongs to it. Before I continue on I shall tell you what I have decided regarding Flurry Heart since she is my daughter now. Hey, she called me mama so I must be her mama, right? I decided that unlike it was with the Cake Twins, Trixie, Aria and Adagio would not be raising her. I decided that I was the only one who could instill all the qualities of a good pony I want in her. Despite her liking to break things, I will take her to work with me and I plan on eventually training her to be my hygienist. That way I won't have to both clean and work on ponies' teeth. I will be able to see more patients and make more money. Of course Cadence asked if I would ever get to see her and of course my answer was HELL NO! Flurry must forget all about her former mother and besides, what if Cadence was to try to corrupt her and tell her to either eat sweets or break things? I can't have that. My Message Now I have collected the ultimate forms of payment, I dissolved a marriage, I have a daughter to call my own, I have a lovely pink sex toy and I have a pretty ancient relic to display in my treasury! To make matters even better Flurry Heart is now the number two princess in Equestria. Yep, she is ahead of Luna who tried to cheat me, Celestia who has cheated me for years and of course Twilight and Cadence who are nothing more than slaves in my harem! Now let this be a warning to all of you. Do not try to cheat me or come to me with bad teeth. You have seen what has happened to patients over the years. With some I wrecked their credit, some I have seized their assets, some I have harvested organs from, some I have killed, some I have cast into Tartarus and in the case of Cadence, I took a ton from her. It is kind of funny that she lost all of this just because her mane stylist couldn't pay her bill isn't it? Just take care of your teeth and pay me what you owe me and you'll be fine! Oh, and this upcoming Wednesday I am offering a ten percent discount on appointments for patients who have perfect teeth and pay me what they owe me! I'll just seize the assets of the non-paying bums and idiots who don't take care of their teeth to make up for it. I look forward to taking care of all your dental needs! Dr. M. Colgate
Goddess LaurFa (Fausticorn) [Not a Rant]View OnlineColgates Rants 5Goddess LaurFa (Fausticorn) [Not a Rant]The Appointment Another week was beginning and like most everypony else, I hate Mondays. Despite me just having added three lovelies to my harem and seizing control of a castle, I was in a bad mood when I showed up to work. I was looking at the schedule for the day and was shocked when I saw who was my very first patient of the day was, I would be seeing the ultimate patient, Goddess LaurFa. When she came in it was almost like the room brightened. As you all know she is solid white with a red mane and tail. I have had plenty of ponies with white coats come in but she was different. Of course when she got in she gave me a very warm greeting which I immediately returned. Now normally ponies who are cheerful really piss me off but with LaurFa, I took that as a sign that I was in her good graces. Another thing with her, as you all know I am adamant in making sure ponies have a way to pay me but with LaurFa, I immediately took her back before she saw my sign about payment at time of service. Like a lot of patients, she was scared to open her mouth when she got in the chair. Like with other ponies, I had to use my magic to pry her mouth open but she didn't seem to mind. What I would see when she did this would disappoint me greatly. She had a cavity! Our Goddess and Creator somehow managed to get a cavity. I would have thought that she would be immune to such things. When I went to numb her mouth she shied back like other patients but that is to be expected, I would be scared if I saw somepony wanting to stick a needle in my mouth too. Once I got her mouth numbed I got to work and holy shit, her cavity was deep! Not as deep as some of my patients' cavities but still. It took me a bit longer than I had hoped but it didn't put me all that much behind schedule. I did want to know how she developed that bad of a cavity though. She told me that she does have a weakness for sweets and while she does brush two times a day, that she eats more cupcakes than she should and that she chews it in one corner of her mouth. Just like G3.5 Rainbow Dash! Tsk, tsk, such un-Goddess like behavior! Once I got her taken care of I led her up front and she decided to pull out her insurance card and handed it to me. Normally I would run it through and with ones I don't recognize, would expect an out of company network response but with her, I simply handed it back to her and said it was on me. Faustie Knows! I thought once I told her that it was on me that would be it and I could move on to my next payment but that would not be the case as the next thing she did was point her wing towards the back and ordered, "We need to talk." Now I had a patient waiting on me and I asked him if he would be ok with this and given who I was talking to, he agreed. We headed back and she began to laugh. I asked her what was the laugh was about and she replied, "I know Colgate. I know about all your secrets." What? She knows? But how could she possibly know. Before I could reply she told me that she knew about how I cheat on Amethyst and Sea Swirl, she knew about my harem, she knew about all the things I have stolen, she knew about the artifacts I "store," she knows about the harshness of my customer/doctor agreement and how I own the other princesses, she knew about my brutal punishment of some patients, she knew about my interactions with ponies from other generations and she knew about my murder of Tirek. While she seemed very intense regarding most of the things I have done, she did thank me for killing Tirek. Oh boy, I seriously thought that I was in deep shit here. I thought that she would likely banish me somewhere or even worse, wipe my very existence out given that she is a goddess. Surprisingly though, that was not the case. She actually began to laugh and commend me on keeping other ponies in line! I couldn't believe it that despite me having punished many of her creations and enslaved Twilight Sparkle, who I thought was her ultimate creation, that she was fine with it! To make things better, she commended me on refusing TiaCare! She told me that I was obviously a very good businesspony! Of course I was flattered and thanked her for the compliment. Now for one more thing before we headed back out front and she left. She ordered, "I never gave Cadence permission to get knocked up and have a foal. Punish her severely!" I gasped, "Seriously?" She laughed, "As long as you don't kill her or Flurry Heart, everything will be fine." Sweet, the Goddess LaurFa has given me permission to punish Cadence in any way I see fit, well short of death anyway. We both had a good laugh before she left and I took my next patient back. Now that day was a first, I was actually in a good mood all day long! Even going home and discovering Trixie and Sonata fighting over who the better sub was didn't bother me! One thing is for sure, I do look forward to her return appointment six months from now. Hopefully by then I'll have an even bigger harem to impress her with. Author's Note Fausticorn
