Important News... From The Future!
Discord exhaled out miserably, furrowing his brows and setting his cards back on the table. He glared at each of the seven mares inside Carousel Boutique in turn. “This really wasn’t what I’d expected when I got that invitation to come play strip poker with you girls.”
“Whatever do you mean, darling?” Rarity asked, currently in the middle of rearranging the single scarf around her neck and colorful sock dangling on one hoof. The rest of her remained bare as usual. “Strip poker tends to be a bit difficult when ponies normally spend all day naked. That’s why we find the need to put clothing on each other before we start stripping them down.”
Discord frowned hard underneath his flamboyant cowboy hat and ear warmers. So far, he’d only lost two rounds of cards and had been told to put them on.
“Speaking of which,” Rarity continued, looking excitedly at her cards, “I’ve beaten you twice in a row, Applejack. So now I’ll need you to put on his Hoofball cap and then take it off. Slowly.”
“All right,” Applejack said, donning the cap handed to her before knocking it back to the floor. She smirked as she snatched another apple off the table and munched it noisily. Her twenty-seventh apple of the evening.
“Not like that!” Rarity chirped, clearly disappointed. “You have to do it slower, Applejack. Let me enjoy it, at least.”
While Applejack slowed her cap removal down to a near crawl, Discord nudged Rainbow Dash in the hip. “Ponies don’t actually believe more layers somehow make them more attractive, do they?” He then downed another shot of the pepper whiskey he’d brought along with him. His fortieth shot of the evening.
Rainbow Dash tapped her chin with a hoof. “Well, Fluttershy’s sorta looking pretty hot right now. Definitely temperature wise.”
Across the table from them sat Fluttershy, dressed in eight sweaters, two scarves, one rubber boot, one pair of leopard-spotted pants, and a fake black mustache directly on top. Needless to say, she was far from the strongest poker player there that evening.
Discord took another shot of his booze as his cheeks burned bright. “I don’t get it! I can barely see a single inch of her skin and yet Fluttershy’s more attractive than ever before!” He shook his head from side to side, leveling a claw in Fluttershy’s direction. “Halt those siren charms of yours right this instant, missy! Don’t think I’m not onto your dirty pony tricks!”
From underneath the mound of fabrics and clothes came a heavily muffled sound, “I’m trying my best not to! Honest! I didn’t even know I was doing anything! Although… I must admit it is rather safe and comfortable in here…”
“Are we playing poker or not?” Princess Luna asked at the head of the table, a fat cigar wedged between her lips. “Let it not be forgotten that I am skipping rather important Moon Duty in order to be here right now.”
Twilight waved a hoof in the air. “I wouldn’t worry too much about that, Princess. Spike’s got you covered, remember? After Rarity helped convince him, that is.”
Most heads at the table turned to the shop’s large bay window. Outside on the lawn stood Spike, busily gazing into a telescope aimed at the sky.
“You are all just lucky there are no bits to be made from dreams,” Luna said dryly, studying the growing stack of coins before her. “But I am afraid I will need to depart soon, regardless. I have an important class tomorrow morning that I simply cannot miss. A New Year’s resolution, you see.”
“Speaking of resolutions!” Rainbow Dash announced suddenly. “Anybody want some of the free chocolate bars I brought? They’re new and they were giving them out in the market today. Supposed to be highly addictive, but they’re free, so what could go wrong?”
She passed a couple out to each of them. Twilight, Rarity, and Fluttershy all stuffed theirs away for later consumption, while Discord, Applejack, and Luna flicked them off the table completely. Following that, Discord took another shot of his whiskey as Applejack ate another one of her apples. Luna, meanwhile, took a few glances at her squishy buttocks below the table.
The only one interested in the free chocolate bar at all seemed to be Pinkie Pie, who began tearing at the wrapper, when out of nowhere—
Blam!
The door to Carousel Boutique flew inward and slammed against the wall. Silhouetted by the streetlight outside was a frail, twitching figure that appeared ready to collapse.
“What in the wide world of Equestria?” Applejack yelped, as the cards in her hooves fell to her lap (as did the half-eaten apple she was in the middle of). “She looks just like—”
“Applejack?” Pinkie Pie shrieked, her chocolate bar ignored for the moment. She leapt from the table to better inspect their new guest, hurriedly scanning her up and down. “Could that really be you?”
There was little doubt that it was indeed Applejack—or another version of her somehow. She had the same body as Applejack. Same mane and tail. Same hat. It was all the same… except messy and gross, as if the Applejack they all knew and loved had randomly been tossed into a pit of filth and forced to survive there for continuous years on end.
“Yeah, sorry to say, but I am Applejack,” the new Applejack spoke, rarely taking the time to blink. “And I come from the future. Ten years into the future!”
“Is that so?” Applejack asked Future Applejack from the table skeptically. “Somehow I don’t really believe that. Sounds more like some Rainbow Dash prank than anything. Oh, well! Maybe another apple will help make sense of all this!”
Before Applejack’s latest apple even came close to her lips, Future Applejack flew across the room and smacked it away from her.
“Stop that! Stop that right this instant!” Future Applejack warned. “Don’t you understand that that’s the exact reason I come back here?”
“Because of an apple?” Rarity asked. “Does she choke on it or something? Was that apple infected with some disease, perhaps?”
Future Applejack shook her head. “I didn’t come back for that apple, Rarity. I came back for all apples. You see…” She lowered her head, admitting to them softly, “After tonight, Applejack becomes addicted to apples.”
There was a momentary silence in the room. Up until Discord sniggered, at which point everyone broke out in laughter. Future Applejack didn’t find it nearly as humorous as the rest of them.
“You think this is funny?” she asked them sharply, scrunching up her face. “I’ve spent nearly a decade addicted to these blasted things! They completely ruin Applejack’s life! You ever found the need to drink apple juice out of some dirty ol’ boot in the back of some alley before? Hmm? You ever turned tricks for mere apple cores before? Well, I have! I became Trixie’s Great and Powerful Stage Assistant for two whole years just to score me some more apples!”
Applejack was the first one to stifle her laugh, patting her future self on the back. “Easy there, Sugarcube. I think perhaps you’re making a volcano out of an anthill here. Sure, I like apples. A whole lot, I reckon! It’s part of my name for Celestia’s sake! But addicted?” She chuckled to herself, her eyes eventually settling on the apple that had been smacked away from her and left on the floor. “I’ll stop eating them tomorrow. How does that sound? Just let me finish this one right here and—”
Future Applejack pounced atop the apple she’d been staring at, crushing it instantly.
Applejack’s chin quivered slightly. “That apple’s still good to eat, I bet. What’s a little carpet applesauce between friends?”
Future Applejack grabbed her past self firmly around the shoulders. “I’d hoped it wouldn’t have come to this, but…” She took a breath. “Applejack, I know for a fact you have two whole apples inside of you right now.”
“Well, of course I do!” Applejack answered at once. “I have been eating them all night!”
“Apples not inside your stomach, Applejack.”
That seemed to do the trick. Applejack swallowed dryly a single time, lowering her hat over her eyes. “But can you blame me, though? They just feel so good, darn it! And juicy, too! I… I can’t even control myself anymore!”
“I know, Applejack. Better than anyone, I know. But when apples start replacing your family and friends, you know you have a problem.” Future Applejack handed her a small card.
“What’s this?” Applejack asked, before reading it. “What’s A.A.?”
“Apples Anonymous. They’ll help you kick this thing before it gets out of control.”
“Thank you, Future Applejack.”
And just like that, Future Applejack shed the appearance of someone who’d just swam through a sea of garbage and returned to normal old Applejack. Ten years older, of course.
Pinkie Pie exhaled in relief. “Well, that was sure—”
“Weird?” another figure in the doorway answered, causing them all to jolt.
The mysterious figure ended up being another Discord, haggard looking and sporting a clear gut around his midsection. The bags under his eyes appeared ten times worse than normal.
“Oh, just great! A future me!” the Discord at the table snorted, gulping down another shot of his pepper whiskey. “Just what I need! First I misplace one of my kidneys this morning and now this!”
Future Discord took another step into the dimly lit shop. “I come with a warning, Discord. So heed my words and remember them well!”
“Don’t worry! Totally writing them down and everything!” Discord spat back, swapping his shot glass to drain the entire bottle instead.
Future Discord held up a single thin claw. “Starting this very evening, Discord, your life spirals completely out of control. You start drinking in public. You become even meaner to your friends than normal. You start buying the cheapest toilet paper instead of the softest. You become a vagrant that cares little about himself or the wellbeing of anyone around you.”
Discord rolled his eyes at his future self. “Anything of actual relevance to tell me?”
“And after one particularly bad bender,” Future Discord spoke ominously, “you adopt a child.”
Still with a mouthful of pepper whiskey, Discord spat on everything and everyone within range. “I do what!? Why would I do that? Foals are gross! They’re clingy and stupid! I’d never want one of those!”
Future Discord smiled devilishly. “Who said anything about a foal, my dimwitted younger self? Everyone say hello to Blub Blub!”
With that said, Future Discord reached behind his back and shoved forward another creature: a bipedal one lacking both tail and fur, dressed in the oddest of garments made of nothing but tan and royal blue.
The human gave them all a small wave. “Hey, everyone. I’m Brendan. I used to work at a Best Buy back in Canada before Discord came along and kidnapped me against my will. Now I travel across the multi-verse with him, mostly taking notes. I’m planning on writing a book about it when I get back. If I get back, that is. Brendan from Best Buy’s Travels Across the Universe! Or something catchier if I can think of it.”
Future Discord snapped a small spray bottle into his claws and began squirting Brendan from Best Buy on the head with it. He glanced back to the table of ponies irritably. “I’m so sorry about this everyone. I can never understand a single word Blub Blub here says, so this has basically becomes our only clear form of communication.”
“Please stop doing that,” Brendan (or Blub Blub) pleaded with Future Discord, as he held up a hand to block the worst of the spray bottle.
“I… DISCORD!” Future Discord loudly shouted back at the human. “YOU… BLUB BLUB! THESE… ARE… FRIENDS! STOP… BORING… THEM! NO… ONE… CARES… ABOUT CANADA!”
All eyes in the room fell to the present day Discord. It seemed he could feel the stares too, as drops of sweat began visibly coursing down his head. He held up what remained of his alcohol bottle before chucking it over his shoulder, exploding into flames.
“I need to rethink my life,” Discord said emotionlessly. “Adopting a dog is one thing, but a human? A Canadian human? I’ve clearly gone too far this time. I really must go.”
So without another word, he scurried out the shop and up the street.
“Where’s he even going?” Twilight asked curiously.
Rainbow Dash flew to the window to check. “Looks like he’s headed for your castle, Twilight. Think he’s planning on reading himself back on track?”
That got a few laughs from the group; although none bigger than Future Discord himself.
Happily, he slapped at his protruding gut, which returned to its usual flat self at once. “What an idiot! Couldn’t tell a prank if it came and sat on his face!”
“Hold on,” Applejack asked, irritated. “So you’re not from the future?”
“Oh, I very much am,” Future Discord clarified snidely. “But in no regards does that mean I’ve fallen on hard times. No, sir. This isn’t even my adoptive child. Isn’t that right, Thomas?” He motioned toward the human.
“My name’s still Brendan, actually,” Brendan replied. “It’s always been that. And… can you take me home soon? By this point, my family must think I’m—”
“Sorry, Thomas, but you’ll really need to work on your English if we’re to understand one another.” Future Discord again faced the rest of the group. “Wasn’t that a good prank? I thought so. A prank on yourself? What could be better?” He laughed again, grabbing at his belly. “Now to see how long Discord from the past believes—”
His words dried in his throat as his eyes opened wide. He took in a quivering breath.
“Oh, no! He’s changing things! He’s warping history as I know it! Discord… he’s…” Future Discord halted to shriek on the spot. “Reading! He’s actually reading! Oh, crap, he’s actually trying to turn his life around! Better himself! But that’s my life! I’ve made a huge mistake here!”
He spun toward the door, but not before a pair of thick glasses appeared atop his snout and a nice pair of slacks formed around his legs. Completing the look was a freshly pressed shirt and matching tie.
As Future Discord collapsed to the ground, he held both hands to the side of his recently shampooed and conditioned head, and starting ripping out bits of his mane. “Memories are flooding back! I own a repair shop in Ponyville now! I attend a weekly book club that I never forget to bring the snacks to! My favorite food becomes cob salad!” Fresh tears began spilling down his cheeks. “I’ve ruined my own life! And here I thought pranks were supposed to be fun and have no repercussions whatsoever!”
Out of nowhere he stopped screaming and turned to Twilight.
“Oh and before I forget… it seems that you and I get hitched sometime over the next ten years… more than likely due to all that time spent together in the library… reading to each other by candlelight if my new memories are correct…”
Across the room Twilight’s mouth formed a perfect O, but before she could comment on the sudden change of events, another figure had already rushed inside the shop.
“Out of our path, thy dweeb!” the figure exclaimed, kicking Future Discord in the face, shattering his new glasses.
Another Luna took a stance in the center of the room. Unlike the previous two time travelers that had crashed their little get-together, this version looked almost identical to the original. Almost better if anything.
Future Luna leveled a hoof at her past self. “You! Us! We must palaver at once!”
Luna flinched at the head of the table, her mountain of coins tumbling away from her. “We must? About what? Is it Celestia? Cadence? Is all of Equestria in danger?”
“No!” Future Luna announced in the Royal Canterlot Voice. “It is about the class you attend tomorrow! For the very first time!”
“You mean my…” Luna said timidly. “Pilates class?”
“The very same!” Future Luna replied, trotting to the other side of the room. “At first you hesitate going, but before long, it ends up becoming the greatest thing that you have ever done! In less than a year, you start teaching the class!”
“Really?” Luna asked, astonished.
Future Luna nodded. “Feel the results for yourself if you are unconvinced.”
So Luna did just that, rubbing her hooves against her future self’s clearly well toned backside. Luna exhaled in wonderment, eventually resting her head against her other self until they were cheek to cheek.
“Oh, I really hope this doesn’t end with my future self rushing in here,” Fluttershy whispered from the inside of her mound of clothes.
As if on cue another four figures trotted inside the shop: another Rarity, another Rainbow Dash, and one more Fluttershy; the Future Fluttershy rolling around inside a large plastic bubble for some reason.
“Not Rarity, too!” Rarity chirped, appearing near to fainting. “I mean… not me, too! Whatever becomes of me?”
Future Rarity went to her, smiling daintily. Besides clearly being a version of Rarity ten years into the future, she appeared perfectly fine. “Relax, darling. It’s nothing that can’t be remedied in a snap. Starting tomorrow morning, you spend the next ten years searching for that very special somepony.”
“And do I find them?” Rarity asked herself timidly. “Please tell me that I do!”
Future Rarity slowly shook her head. “I’m afraid that you end up spending all that time searching in the wrong spot—all for someone that was right in front of you all along.” With a gentle hoof, she angled Rarity’s head until she faced the large bay window, and to Spike and his telescope outside.
“Spike?” Rarity questioned her future self sharply. “But he’s so young! And here I thought we were just friends. I had absolutely no idea he had those types of feelings for me!”
Every pony, future or otherwise, painfully slapped themselves on the forehead.
“This is Spike ten years from now,” Future Rarity explained, setting a color photograph onto the table. It was of a teenaged Spike, half facing the camera, half gazing into the distance. He looked a good four feet taller than he did now, muscular too, and with all the scales on his head elongated and slicked back. He’d even earned himself a solid six-pack at some point over the years.
From the picture alone, Rarity swooned off her chair. No one bothered to catch her.
Future Rarity said to those that remained conscious, “Future Spike even goes on to create a mail delivery service that employs thousands of dragons worldwide: Dragon Burps Instant Messaging. ‘Smelly, but fast’… is the tagline, regretfully.”
The others in the room politely nodded along, before Rainbow Dash asked, “That’s all well and good for you, but what’s Future Fluttershy doing here? And why is she being kept inside a bubble? And maybe an even better question is: why is my future self here!?”
“Allow me to answer that,” Future Rainbow Dash said with a smirk. “First off: Fluttershy is in that bubble only because she wants to be in there. After spending tonight basically buried in clothes, she comes to find it much safer to simply shut everything off and remain sheltered.”
“I do feel pretty safe in here,” the mound of clothes that used to be Fluttershy said.
“I know, right? Isn’t it great?” Future Fluttershy added sweetly, her voice also heavily muffled due to her current plastic bubble prison.
“Okay, that takes care of Fluttershy, but what about you?” Rainbow Dash asked her future self. “Rainbow Dash is awesome! Amazingly awesome, in fact! How can anything bad happen to her over the next ten years?”
Future Rainbow Dash gave her a curt nod. “As usual, you’re not wrong, Rainbow Dash. You are awesome. Too awesome, actually. So for the next ten years you spend your time searching and searching for that very awesome somepony and somehow they just don’t appear! So what do you end up doing?”
The Rainbow Dash at the table gave a shrug. “I go back in time to find someone as awesome as myself… which ends up being me?”
“Exactly.” Pulling a small box out of who-knows-where, Future Rainbow Dash sank to one knee with shimmering eyes. “Will you… will you be amazingly awesome with me forever, Rainbow Dash?”
Before the original Rainbow Dash could give an answer, Applejack loudly made herself known by banging two hooves together. “Seriously? We’re just gonna go along with all this? Twilight, why aren’t you doing anything? You know this isn’t right.”
Twilight surprised Applejack with a grin. “Don’t think I’m not paying attention, Applejack. I’ll be lecturing you all about the ramifications of time travel very shortly, but first…” Happily, she rubbed two hooves together. “I want to hear what my future self has to say!”
All the future selves glanced at each other awkwardly. Eventually, Future Rarity sighed and said, “I hate to be the one to tell you this, darling, but… your future self didn’t want to come with us.”
Twilight grimaced. “She didn’t? But why? Is it… is it because she understood the dangers of time travel more than the rest of you?”
“Not exactly,” Future Rarity admitted painfully.
“It’s because you’re boring, Twilight!” Future Rainbow Dash swiftly blurted out. “Over the next ten years, everything just sort of works out for you! The biggest upset is when all those Daring Do books finally come to a close and you go on a rampage because of how terrible it ends.”
“So how does it end?” Twilight probably shouldn’t have asked but asked anyways.
Future Rainbow Dash shrugged absently. “If I’m remembering it correctly, I think Daring Do becomes a lumberjack or something. But it’s really just one big mess.” Then her face lit up as something else came to mind. “Oh! But you do get a wicked bad cold four years from now! Like… a really, really bad one!”
“I’ll make sure to mark it on my calendar, then,” Twilight replied dryly. “So if my life becomes as boring as dirt, what happens to Pinkie Pie? Why isn’t her future self here?”
Across the table, Pinkie Pie finally finished removing the wrapping off her chocolate bar and was about to take a bite when she heard a trio of soft knocks on the window. Turning, she instantly blanched, her eyes bulging from her skull.
Outside the window was a large mass of pink fur about the size of a carriage. Two sets of hooves stuck out at either end, as did a single tail and head. It appeared to be Future Pinkie Pie. A whole lot of Future Pinkie Pie.
Pinkie Pie’s future self could only shake her head from side to side once; she was simply too winded to do so again.
Inside, Pinkie Pie wisely shoved the addictive chocolate bars far, far away from her.
Author's Note
Sorry this story basically cut off out of nowhere at the end. My last few one shots were longer than I wanted them to be (this one included), so I tried shortening it. Unsuccessfully.
I do want to hear more about the continuing adventures of Blub Blub, though!
Not really.
