Princess Daddy Issues

by Door Belle

Rating: everyone
Tags: Shining Armor, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Flurry Heart, Comedy
Length: 2536

Teaching law and tabletop role-playing games to your alicorn daughter at an early age is a terrible idea.

Shining Armor just wanted one relaxing evening. Unfortunately, Flurry Heart has decided to be difficult yet again. Shining Armor is about to learn how bad an idea it is to teach law and tabletop role-playing games to his precocious 'tween, and Flurry Heart is about to learn just what a munchkin her nerdy father is.

Edited by Damaged.

Published 2017-01-10 20:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-01-10 20:50:01 UTC

... Meets Daddy the Diplomancer

"Sir!"

Shining Armor sighed. With Cadance away and tutors to keep Flurry Heart occupied, he had been enjoying his quiet evening alone with the sunset, and his guards had orders not to bother him outside of an emergency. They were very good about following orders.

"What is it, Corporal?"

"Princess Flurry Heart, sir. She's barricaded herself in her room with a cockatrice! She's in danger, sir, and we can't get in!"

Shining sighed again. It was the third time in two weeks. Fortunately, he'd had Twilight teach him to teleport after the second, and he had practiced; his daughter's barricade wouldn't force him to negotiate this time. The cockatrice was a new one, though. He was going to have to find out how she got her hooves on such a dangerous animal, and then she was getting a lecture. Such a lecture.

He wasn't particularly afraid for her, though. Tween alicorn versus scared and confused cockatrice wasn't a contest, and it couldn't be worse than the time she'd been so upset over her chores that she'd conjured a windigo. Or the time, as a much younger foal, she had refused to let him change her diaper for almost a week while Cadance was on a diplomatic trip to neighboring Yakyakistan. Fortunately, she had finally caved a few hours before Cadance was due to return, and the cleaning staff had worked a miracle in Flurry's room and the surrounding hallway. His Princess hadn't suspected a thing.

"Thank you, Corporal. Return to your duty."

"Yes, sir!"

Wasting no further time, Shining Armor teleported to his daughter's room. He was greeted by three strange sights: Flurry Heart's academic tutor, Mad Numbers, cast in stone; his daughter, dancing on her hind legs in front of her new statue with her wings flopping for balance; and a tray of unfamiliar and distinctly non-equine turds beneath his hooves. The smell and the terrified cockatrice peering out from under the bed didn't even come close to making the list.

He sighed a third time, catching Flurry Heart's attention.

"Daddy!" she yelped.

"Yep, that's me." Shining stepped out of the tray and levitated the petrified tutor over in front of the cockatrice. "Free him and you can go home," he said, then turned back to his daughter.

"You're supposed to be Auntie Twily again, and you're supposed to be grossed out by the cockatrice poo and fly away!"

Shining shrugged. "Excellent predictive placement on the trap, sweetheart, but I'm afraid daddies have high fortitude saves and immunity to poo, so you've just made more work for yourself. I'm going to have one of the maids teach you to clean this up."

"Darn it."

Shining glanced over to the door. It was well-barricaded, for a child's work; bookshelves, chairs, and a second bed were leaned against it instead of standing straight. He could probably still open the door from the outside with an explosive shield spell, but it wasn't a sure thing.

"Don't let your mother hear you using that kind of language, honey." He tsked. "But at least you'll pick up a few free points of a non-class skill when you complete the quest. And I'm making a new rule."

"You can't do that!"

"I can. I call on my daddy powers."

"Fine," Flurry said, grudgingly. With her magic, she reached into a small bag on top of her dresser and procured a twenty-sided die. "You know the rules."

"I know the rules very well." Shining grinned. He knew the rules better than anypony but Twilight—who had, of course, revised and edited the latest edition of Heroes and Horseshoes herself. "And because I am a dashing Rogue, I get to take twenty on this roll. No complaining, it's my first of the day."

"Fine, but the difficulty is still thirty-six." Flurry sat back on her haunches, folded her forelegs, and donned a smug smile. The forgotten die rolled under the bed and was probably eaten by a Grue.

Shining and his shit-eating grin were prepared. "Before any of my items and spell effects, I get plus fifteen from skill and another plus five from my charisma. And it's only that low because my race is weak around twilight." He stuck his head in his daughter's closet, spotted the new hiding place for all the gaming materials she kept taking from his room, and levitated out a pencil and paper.

"Dangit, Daddy, you cheesemongering munchkin bucket of—" Flurry made it further than Shining had meant to let her, but he had almost stuffed her face with a hoof before remembering at the last moment that unlike daddies, Flurry Heart was definitely not immune to poo.

"Stop, Flurry." He turned his tone stern. "Don't say something I'll have to ground you for."

"Hmph. Your charisma isn't high enough to do that."

Another stallion's voice interrupted them. "—Is that—Oh my goodness! Your Highness, run! I'll stop the, err..."

Shining Armor, Flurry Heart, Mad Numbers, and the cockatrice all stared awkwardly at each other. Shining turned his Daddy Frown on the cockatrice before it could get any ideas, and it quickly looked away. Fluttershy's mighty Stare had nothing on the power of daddies; the worst she ever had to deal with was a dragon. Also, this daddy was a dedicated min-maxer.

While using his magic to levitate the furniture away from the door, piece by piece, Shining started scribbling numbers on his purloined paper.

"Ah, my Prince?" Mad Numbers shuffled nervously in place, while looking everywhere but the poo-tracks on the carpet.

"Yes, you may go." Shining didn't take his eyes off his paper. "Tell the steward I said to add a small bonus to your hazard pay." He smiled in exactly as dignified a manner as a stallion with cockatrice poop all over his hooves could as he levitated the last chair away from the door and let Flurry Heart's tutor flee.

"What are you doing, Daddy?"

"Awarding myself experience for completing the quest. So I can get even more skill in daddy powers and increase my charisma again next level." Shining lowered his paper and grinned down at his pouting daughter. "How and when did you get a cockatrice here, anyway?"

Flurry folded her forelegs again, this time in defiance, and stuck out her tongue. "State secret."

"Is this a bad time to remind you that Mommy and I are the heads of state?" Shining teased.

"Yes!" Flurry said. An angry flush rose to her muzzle, and she gave the floor a hard stomp. "I—I mean, no! You're not!"

Shining Armor gave up. He would just get the information from whomever had seen Flurry Heart coming and going; there was no reasoning with her in "deny reality" mode. He wondered if other parents had to deal with this, or if it was easier to negotiate with foals who weren't baby demigoddesses.

"Alright. Why'd you use a cockatrice to turn Mister Numbers to stone?"

Flurry groaned. "He was boring, Daddy! I'm so sick of maths, maths, maths all the time! And I asked Starburst, he says his daddy doesn't make him take any tutoring in the evenings! And—"

Shining rubbed his forehead. Great, now he was getting a headache and had cockatrice poo on his face. "Okay, honey, slow down. First thing—you do not turn other ponies to stone for being boring." After a moment, something clicked, and he hastily added, "Or for any reason at all."

"Why not? Auntie Twily and Great-Aunt Celestia did it!"

"They didn't use a cockatrice."

"Oh."

Shining kept his sigh of relief internal as he walked back to her closet and put his experience calculations back with the rest of the books and character sheets. If it made sense to her, it was good enough. "Second, I know math is boring, and I know you don't enjoy the history, but to grow up strong and tough like Daddy and smart and wise like Mommy, you have to do what your tutors say." Flurry Heart opened her mouth, and he held up a hoof to stop her. "We've been over this, honey. We agreed I'm right."

"Well, I un-agree!" the filly shouted. "Treaties are made to be broken, and anyone who would enforce those provisions is—is just heartless!"

Foals, Shining decided, were entirely too good at learning effective phrases from their parents. Fortunately, the context was different from when Cadance had said it.

"Flurry, sweetheart, you have to—"

"No!" Shining backed away, popping up an impromptu shield to keep a chair from flying into his face. The cockatrice under the bed squawked and retreated further into the darkness. When had Flurry Heart learned the Royal Canterlot Voice?!

"You can't keep making me do nothing but work all the time!" It was pointless to quantify all the time she spent playing, "hanging out" with Blueblood's visiting colt, or trying to get out of doing work when she was in this mood, even though she was only doing maths this late because she'd spent nearly three hours turning herself invisible or hiding in shield bubbles to avoid her first tutor.

Flurry went on in a more even tone, sitting herself down as regally as if the floor were the Crystal Throne itself.

"I'm going to be crowned Princess in just three more years." Oh no. Shining grimaced. Was the minimum age for coronation really that low? His daughter continued. "Legally speaking, you can't stop me from naming myself Princess Daddy Issues at my coronation, Daddy. The one tale about you that everypony will remember for as long as I live is that you didn't love me."

Shining swallowed. When had she learned to think so long term? At least she was paying attention to her lessons on law. He'd just have to negotiate a truce and let her forget—and also change the law while she wasn't looking.

"Alright, sweetheart. Let's talk about this tomorrow, okay? If you've been in here all this time, you probably missed dinner." At the last word, Shining's belly issued a low rumble, and Flurry Heart's answered. He'd missed dinner, too, but he'd needed the quiet time more. It had been nice while it lasted.

"Fine. I'm kinda hungry anyway." Flurry huffed. Shining tried to bite back his usual joke.

Tried.

"It's nice to meet you, Kinda Hungry. I'm Daddy."

The filly didn't even groan. "That is so old, Daddy. Why do you even bother?"

Shining grinned. He was already in this; he might as well go all the way. "Got to practice my skills where I can. You know mommies are overpowered—"

"And that's why we're a team," Flurry intoned. They commenced with their ritual high-five. Then Flurry Heart shrieked. "Daddy! Eww!"

When he could stop laughing, Shining shook his head. "Sorry, sweetheart. Let's both wash up and have some dinner, okay?" And hopefully she would forget about the name.

Epilogue

"... and she hasn’t forgotten. That's why I need your help," Celestia said. She set the letter down next to her supper. "Please please please help me, etcetera. He even forgot to sign his name, but this could only be from Shining Armor."

From in front of her plate of breakfast, Luna leaned over to read a few lines of the letter. Its unusually-poor writing had been done in clear haste. "At least the cockatrice is being cared for humanely."

"How can you tell?" Celestia raised an eyebrow, then raised her fork to her mouth and took another bite of tomato and bean quesadilla. Contrary to a letter she'd once received from a panicked Twilight, it was delicious; she decided in that moment to have her chef try Zebrican cuisine more often.

"Flurry Heart sent for Fluttershy, who taught her to take care of it. Their dreams the past few nights were related; now they make sense." Luna took a quick bite and swallowed while Celestia chewed. "I trust you already have a plan to assist in mind?"

Celestia nodded, swallowed, and poked at her food with her knife. "Of course. I could simply advise Cadance, when she comes to me about changing the minimum age for coronation. I could exercise illegal jurisdiction over the Crystal Empire by changing the age for coronation myself in a manner which dares them to deny me. Let's say to two hundred and six." She tried a forkful of her spicy Prench rice. Again, delicious.

"Why six, and not two hundred even?"

Celestia pretended to ponder the question as she savored the taste, then swallowed. "I like six."

"I admit I have not been returned long, sister." Her tone was cautious. "But I have heard that for a mare of status, that is a most improprietous statement to—"

In a flash, Luna was wearing the rest of Celestia's quesadilla on her face. Carefully suppressing a grin, she began counting out loud.

"One. Two."

"I'm changing the official record. I banished you because of your terrible sense of humor."

"Three."

"I do like your work on your anger. Counting is good for—"

Luna's horn flashed. Now it was Celestia who was wearing the quesadilla, and a half-plate of eggs for good measure.

"Four. I declare a food war!"

Celestia never got around to saying her plan was to do nothing; Flurry Heart could embarrass herself if she was truly set on doing so. As plates and food went everywhere but their intended destinations, the mare who had brought in Celestia's supper turned, with a grimace, to the bat pony who had brought in Luna's breakfast.

"Does this always happen?" she asked. Her stallion counterpart smirked back.

"You must be the new server. Just be glad all we have to do is bring them more when they remember being hungry again."

Deleted Scenes

Author's Note

Extra silliness written by myself and Damaged.

Deleted Scenes

"Look, I put skill points in language for him, you have to try to bluff him or he automatically succeeds at diplomacy." Flurry grinned wide.

"How did he automatically succeed?" Shining shuffled frantically through his papers. "You can't make a cockatrice a Bard!"

"Why not? Now, try to bluff him!"

"Okay then." Shining set the papers down. "I'm bringing rule number two into effect."

Flurry scrunched her brow. "No throwing up on servants?"

"No, not that one... although it is still in effect. I mean the official rule two: Players may attempt to roleplay out any and all interactions rather than relying on dice." Shining turned to the cockatrice. "Bawwwk buk buk bawk?"

"Um. Shining Armor?" Fluttershy gulped. "You just challenged him to a duel to the death. Or, um, petrification. He is a cockatrice."

Shining Armor groaned. "I really should have put more points into exotic languages."

"It's okay. Cockatrices don't speak chicken. He just thinks you're, um, weird."

"Alright, now I can go and order all the staff around!" Princess Daddy Issues felt on top of the world, literally. She was now officially a Princess.

"Hold on, yours isn't the only ceremony today." Cadance turned her head toward Sunburst and the various tutors for her daughter. "Please step forward for the knightings!"

The knighting ceremony was brief. All Cadance told each new Crystal Knight was, "Congratulations. You survived."