Hint: He's on the Cover Art!
Guess What’s Coming to Dinner
Her fire opal-colored eyes trepidatiously staring at the doorknob to the Apple family farmhouse, Apple Bloom’s hoof hung in the air as if the young mare had just experienced a flash blizzard that froze her on the spot. Usually, she’d fling open the door without a second thought, but the current situation was anything but ‘usual’. For today, Apple Bloom was bringing over her ‘coltfriend’… with the slight addendum that her ‘coltfriend’ wasn’t exactly a colt. I mean… he was a ‘he’… if such things really mattered with his race, but a colt in the sense of a pony?
“Come on, babe, I’m freezing my antennae off here!” a raspy masculine voice griped.
Not as such, no.
“I’m gonna!” Apple Bloom insisted as she looked behind her. “Ah jus’… Ah jus’ not sure if Granny Smith is ready for this! Ah mean… What if the shock kills her?!”
“… Well… Have you looked at her will lately?”
“… Her… her will?” Apple Bloom replied in confusion.
“Yeah, babe! As in her last will and estimate?”
Apple Bloom could only reply with a flummoxed, “Ah er… uh…”
“He means ‘last will and testament’,” Applejack’s voice informed. “But Ah don’t see how that is relevant to this conversation,” she added sternly.
Big McIntosh’s voice joined the conversation with an “Eeyup.”
“I thought it was ‘estimate’ like the estimate of the pony’s net worth or whatever…”
“It’s not,” Applejack said dryly. “And don’t know what that has to do anything.”
The raspy voice clarified, “I mean if the old lady kicks the buck tick!”
“‘Bucket’,” Applejack corrected, all hints of amusement quickly having drained from her voice. “Ponies kick ‘buckets’.”
“… Why would you kick a bucket?” the raspy voice asked.
“Ah… don’t’… Look, why are ya asking about Granny’s will in the first place?!”
“Just trying to point out the liver lining to this potential ‘super-old pony’ dying shroud… It is ‘shroud’ right? With the upcoming death and all, I mean…”
“Well, there were several things wrong with what you just said,” Applejack pointed out. “However, we’ll stick with the obvious regarding Granny Smith’s death.”
“He didn’t mean nothin’!” Apple Bloom said. “He was jus’ tryin’ to make me feel better!”
“Yeah!” the raspy voice insisted. “Just an agriculture misunderstanding, I’m sure… Probably…”
The raising of Applejack’s eyebrow was practically audible. “‘Cultural’. ‘Cultural misunderstanding’.”
“Really? But you ponies live on a farm.”
Applejack inhaled deeply. “Alright, this here conversation is getting’ me more riled up than a rodeo bull with a rope tied around its groin, so let’s get back to the topic.” Applejack’s tone softened slightly. “Apple Bloom, Ah don’t know how Granny will react to yer new… boy? Right, boyfriend. But Big Mac and I are behind ya. Ah mean, we’re literally gonna be behind ya for yer big reveal.”
“Eeyup.”
“… Right, ‘cause you both support my decision right?” Apple Bloom asked.
“… As yer siblings, we both do love and support you.”
“… Eeyup.”
Apple Bloom scrunched her brow. “I don’t think that answered the question.”
“Ah, don’t sweat the details, babe,” the raspy voice said. “What’s important is that big sis and big bro love you and also have full sets of working organs!”
Everypony went silent.
“… What?” the raspy voice replied. “You never know when an extra kidney or heart might even come in handy.”
“… Ponies only have one heart,” Apple Bloom informed.
“Yeah! And you have TWO siblings!”
“… Ah don’t—”
An orange hoof was suddenly thrust past Apple Bloom. “Time’s up! Let’s do this!”
“Applejack?! WAIT! I’m not—” Apple Bloom quickly found herself thrust into the Apple’s living room in front of Granny Smith who, until a moment ago, had been snoring away on a rocking chair.
“Snort-What-huh?!” Granny Smith exclaimed as her head snapped up and her eyes quickly soaked in the room.
“HI, GRANNY SMITH!” Apple Bloom said with a hastily smeared on smile.
“Apple Bloom, dear?” Granny Smith replied. She rubbed the sleep out of her eyes. “What’s this commotion all about?”
“NO COMMOTION!” Apple Bloom replied loudly. “EVERYTHANG'S JUST PEACHY!”
“Then why’re ya hollerin’ at me like that, child? Ah’m may be hard of hearing, but I’m not deaf unless ya keep that racket up.”
“… Should I go out there now?”
Apple Bloom wheeled around to the door and placed a forehoof up to her lips. “Shhhhh….”
“Oh, who’s that?” Granny Smith asked with a curious smile as she tried to crane her head past Apple Bloom and look towards the door. “Ya finally got yerself a strapping young stallion? Hehe… Why I remember when I brought yer Grand-pappy home for the first time. Whooo-wheee! You could make apple sauce on those flanks of his! In fact, Ah did make apple sauce on those flanks of his!”
“Oh, Celestia, why?!” Applejack called out as Big Mac made a noise like he had just accidently ingested something foul.
Granny Smith furrowed her brow in the direction of the door. “Well, y’all are sorta living proof Ah did that! Ah don’t see what the big—”
“Granny, he’s not a stallion!” Apple Bloom interrupted.
“Oh… Zebra then?” Granny suggested. “Good on you if that’n being the case. Yer old Granny might not look like much now, but she sure bedding down her fair, some might say, unfair share of zebras in her time and—”
“Ah! Ah! Aaaah!” Applejack wailed.
“Eeyup!”
A black quadruped of roughly pony shape and size was suddenly thrust into the room. His large, light blue tinted eyes, which were set under a big black horn and a set of black antennae, seemed to focus on the elderly mare in the rocking chair. “Uh… Yo! Gran-Gran! How’s it going?” The being motioned to himself with a foreleg that sported a few holes in it. “Name’s Pronotum.” Pronotum wrapped the foreleg around Apple Bloom. “Your grandbaby here is my current delicious bowl of love soup.”
“This has not improved the queasy feeling in my stomach at all!” Applejack moaned.
The sound of a pony with a deep voice retching accompanied Applejack’s statement. “…Eeyup.”
Apple Bloom did her best to hold onto her ephemeral smile, as worried as it was. “Yes Granny, Pronotum here is my coltfriend… er… boyfriend? Bugfriend?”
Granny Smith merely looked the newcomer up and down. “Well, I’sabout to guess ‘griffon’ next, so these is a bit of a surprise. But not anythang worth the song and square dance do-si-do we jus’ went through.”
Cautiously, Applejack and Big Mac trotted into the room.
“So… I was worried about nothin’?” Apple Bloom asked.
Granny Smith gave Apple Bloom a scrutinizing look. “Depends on what idea you had commin’ to a boil in that brain of yers.”
“Er… Well… ya see…”
Applejack sighed. “We thought ya might be prejudiced against Pronotum with him being a cheese-leg and all.”
A series of gasps erupted from the group.
“Applejack! Ah’m surprised at ya!” Granny Smith explained.
“Yeah! What the hay, AJ?!” Apple Bloom chimed in.
“Eeyup,” Big Mac said with an accusing glare.
Applejack’s orange face suddenly turned beat red. “Whoops…”
Pronotum shot Applejack a glower. “That’s our word! You can’t just use it like that!”
“Ah know! Ah know and Ah’m sorry!” Applejack held up her forehooves together in a sign of begging. “Please don’t tell Twilight I said the ‘c-word’. I don’t think I could make it through another round of her tolerance camp!”
Pronotum shrugged and turned back to Granny Smith. “Well, speaking of legs, Gran-Gran, you look to have one less hoof in the grave than I would have thought if you don’t mind me saying.”
Silence descended upon the group like a lead balloon full of gravel.
Pronotum looked about the younger ponies in the room. “Wait… Did I say that wrong? It’s not ‘hoof in the grave’?”
Applejack shut her eyes hard as she inhaled with the depth of the ocean and exhaled in a long continuous breath. “Oh, Ah think you said it right alright…” Applejack shook her head. “Ta think we thought Granny Smith would be the embarrassing one.”
“So, why’s this here fella black?”
Apple Bloom and Big Mac let out startled gasps.
“Ah appear to be standing corrected,” Applejack quipped to herself.
“Oh my Sun Goddess, Granny!” Apple Bloom exclaimed. “Ya can’t jus’ ask why somepony is black!”
“Sher I can!” Granny Smith said. “All them changelings transformed and took on more colors than ma zap apple jam. So why’s this one still black?”
“Huh… That’s kinda a sensible question,” Applejack admitted. She looked towards Pronotum, “Why are you still black?”
“‘Cause the new changeling look is g*y as f!&k, ya dig?”
Applejack and Big Mac’s eyes unfocused as if they were both staring out at a point far, far past the farmhouse walls.
“Ah don’t know what response I was expecting,” Applejack said, “but it sure wasn’t that.”
Granny Smith looked over her grandchildren curmudgeonly. “So y’all thought I’d embarrass you, huh? Figure’ Ah couldn’t handle one of my kin datin’ a changeling, is that it?”
The rest of the Apple clan lowered their heads slightly as if the uncomfortable silence that descended upon them was physically weighing them down.
“… Eeyup,” Big Mac admitted weakly. “Sorry, Granny…”
“Yeah… Sorry, Granny Smith,” Apple Bloom said.
“Well shucks, Ah’m sorrier than an apple that’s been left out on the ground for a few weeks.”
Pronotum wheeled around and pointed an accusing leg full of holes at the younger apples. “You should all be ashamed of yourselves for thinking of Gran-Gran that way!”
“Shut up, ya foul-mouthed whipper-snapper,” Granny Smith said cantankerously.
Pronotum turned towards Apple Bloom. “Damn babe, your Gran-Gran has spunk. I like it!”
“Speakin’ of spunk,” Granny Smith began.
Big Mac’s face turned from red to pink as Applejack raised a forehoof towards her face. “Oh, buck me…” she muttered.
“If y’all were afraid I’d throw a conniption over this here changeling, you coulda hatched a plan where he just made himself to look like a pony while he was around me.”
Applejack lowered her forehoof, her left eyebrow already heading towards the ceiling. “Wouldn’t you felt betrayed when you found out he was really a changeling?”
“Not if y’all kept it going until all four of my hooves were in the grave. Ah’m not gonna live ferever, ya know…”
The apple siblings stared at Granny Smith in shocked silence.
Pronotum burst into laughter. “Your Gran-Gran is smarter than you three put together.”
Granny Smith nodded. “And don’t y’all forget it!”
Pronotum glanced outside, the blue-tinted orbs that served as his eyes widening slightly. He turned towards Apple Bloom. “Hey baby, I’m gonna go outside and grab some fresh air, letcha all catch up with your Gran-Gran, here! Late!” he said with a wave as he walked outside.
All eyes once again turned to Granny Smith.
Apple Bloom gave her grandmother an unsure smile. “So… uh… Everythang’s alright with Pronotum?”
Granny Smith shook her head. “Now Ah may not have any problems with my kin dating changelings, but that Pronowhatsit is bad news.”
Applejack and Big Mac exhaled as if they had been holding something inside themselves for far longer than was comfortable.
“What?!” Apple Bloom exclaimed. “Oh, come on!”
“Trust me, little apple,” Granny said. “Bad boys like that are like unicycles. Fun to ride every once in awhile, but you don’t wanna rely on them fer your day-in and day-out needs… And also night-in and night-out needs.”
The left side of Big Mac’s face began to twist in disgust as Applejack collapsed to the floor and buried her head in her forelegs. “Ah have so many regrets about today.”
“Eeyup,” Big Mac said as he joined his sister on the floor with his forelegs covering his face.
“But Granny, you jus' don't understand!” Apple Bloom insisted. “I… I know it's not your fault... You grew up in a time where it was acceptable to hate changelings, but you've got to open your eyes a little!"
Granny Smith furrowed her brow at Apple Bloom. "My eyes are more open than yours, Apple Bloom. They’re open enough ta see that there little gremlin is a thief!"
Apple Bloom gasped. "Granny! Not all changelings are thieves!"
Granny Smith shook her head. "I didn't say nothin' about the entire changeling race, ya idgit!” Granny Smith pointed towards a window. “But that bugfriend of yours jus' ran off with the family travlin' cart!"
Apple Bloom turned and looked out the window, a heavy frown suddenly taking hold of her features. "Ah'm sure he's just takin' it to get the wheels rotated or something..."
Applejack got up on her hooves. “Welp,” she announced loudly, “Big Mac and I better go get that cart.”
“You two keep yer kiesters right here,” Granny Smith commanded. “Yer sister needs to be informed of the dangers of getting’ too attached to a bad boy.”
Applejack frowned. “Ah don’t know what information you think Ah can offer.”
Both Granny Smith and Big Mac synchronized their eyebrow raising.
“Surely you remember yer ol’ coltfriend… what’sis-name… Bonecrack… er something…”
“Bojack,” Big Mac said. “Bojack Horseman.”
Applejack’s face turned a bit green. “Ah’ve tried very hard not to remember him, that’s fer certain.”
“Well, I don’t remember any Bojack, but Pronotum ain't as bad as him, I bet!”
Applejack pursed her lips slightly. “Bojack did set the bar pretty high there, admittedly.”
“Eeyup,” Big Mac agreed.
Granny Smith gave her granddaughter a knowing look. "Apple Bloom, Ah know how you feel, and Ah've been around enough to know that those feelings can do some funny things to a pony, but yer being blinder than those fruit bats in the west orchard."
"Actually, fruit bats can see quite well!” A mare’s voice informed. Twilight Sparkle trotted in through the open door to the house. “They use their eyes during the day to pick out the colorful fruit, unlike most other bats who tend to rely on sonar."
All eyes in the room suddenly flew towards the unexpected alicorn Princess who had trotted in.
“Twi, why are you here?” Applejack inquired.
"Starlight accidently shifted the entire castle into another dimension during a friendship lesson."
"… Ah don't even wanna know..." Applejack replied.
Twilight continued, "It'll come back, soon but... can I bunk in the guest room for a few days... weeks?" Twilight punctuated her question with a hopeful smile.
Granny Smith shrugged. "Sure, if Apple Bloom's bugfriend don't sell it first, that is!"
“Ah told you, he's not a thief!” Apple Bloom said indignantly.
Pronotum suddenly burst into the room, smiling wide as he held up a modest back of bits. “Good news, baby!” he said as he swung a foreleg around Apple Bloom’s neck. “I made some bits after I pawned off this old cart I saw just lying around! Why don’t you and I celebrate with a barrel of your family’s cider and some Horse-T?”
Applejack forehead tightened in confusion. "What the hay is 'Horse-T'?"
Twilight smiled. “That's the current street name for ketamine."
One again, all the eyeballs in the room swung towards Twilight.
“Er... or SO I have read..." Twilight said sheepishly.
The Apple clan eyes now all turned towards the youngest of their midst, eyes that demanded action from the young mare.
Apple Bloom met her family’s gaze with a pleading look. "But... but... I love him!"
Everypony simply stood in place as the ‘l-word’ seemed to hang in the air an extra second.
Granny Smith sighed heavily. “Well… then I guess there’s not a whole lot we can—”
"Oh yeah, baby!” Pronotum exclaimed. “Give me some of that sugar! With a somewhat unnerving ‘sip-sip-sip-sip-sip-sip’ a small, pink cloud of sparkling energy wafted out from Apple Bloom and into Pronotum’s mouth.
Everypony watched in concern as Apple Bloom’s eyes glazed over slightly, then returned with a focused vibrancy, but to a much harder expression than the mere moments before. "... Alright, fer some reason I'm now indifferent to him. Let's tie him up and dispose of him Apple family style."
“Wait, what?” Pronotum said.
Big Mac quickly leaped atop the smaller changeling
“Waaaaaait!” A shimmering veil suddenly came over Pronotum, leaving an orange mare earth pony in its wake as it went from antennae down to the bottom of his legs. "You couldn't hurt your own sister, could you?" ‘Applejack’ asked with a pleading look in her eyes.
Big Mac paused momentarily then grinned wryly. "Eeyup,” he said simply.
“Oh... bugger me...” ‘Applejack’ uttered.
Granny Smith looked towards the real Applejack. "Alright, Applejack. You know the drill. Get the pig slop ready."
Applejack tipped her hat. "On it,” she said before she turned and trotted outside with a grim smile on her face.
"Wow... Dark..." Twilight commented. She looked over the ponies present. "We still good on the guest room? Yes? YES! I'll go get my things." Twilight triumphantly trotted out of the farmhouse.
With another shimmer, Pronotum transformed back into his black, bad self. “Wait! Aren’t you supposed to save everypony as Princess of Friendship or whatever?”
“Buck you, you freaky cheese-leg!”
A chorus of surprised gasped erupted from the Apple family.
“It’s okay!” Twilight shouted back. “I’m friends with the Changeling King! I’ve got ‘c-word’ privileges.”
The End
Author's Note
I replaced "hole-leg" with "cheese-leg" based on a post from Hillbe. I am not sorry.
