The Two-Cupcake Rule

by Autumn Colors Fall

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Random, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1414

The mind of the Book Horse is a curious thing.

The mind of the Book Horse is a curious thing.

Published 2017-01-07 14:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-01-07 14:40:01 UTC

Chapter Z

The tip of a quill scratched against a sheet of smooth, yellow parchment. It raced across the page, held aloft in an aura of bright magenta magic and leaving a trail of tightly spaced prose in its wake. Droplets of ink found their final resting places as they were interred within the dried pulp, sacrificed in the name of knowledge and documentation.

Sitting in the front row of the Smart Cookie Memorial Lecture Hall at Canterlot University, Twilight Sparkle was in her element. Advanced Theoretical Thaumaturgy had always been a favorite subject of hers, amongst the many that she loved to study. The complex equations, the arcane terminology, the endless debate over the existence of the illusive magi-quark; the field practically reeked of academia. Turning to the next page of her exam, Twilight read the next question under her breath.

“Describe the outcome of introducing a positively charged thaumaton into a neutralized harmonic system.” She trilled, positively beaming down at the page. She had made sure to study for this exact question the night before. So far the test was proving to be just challenging enough to be really enjoyable. With a sigh of contentment, Twilight refreshed her ink supply and began a lengthy response, reveling in intellectual bliss.

Halfway through her response, the fur on the back of Twilight’s neck stood up. Looking around she came face to face with a sneering stallion, who was blatantly looking over her shoulder and down onto her paper. Pausing to give Twilight a malicious smirk, he picked up his quill and continued to copy answers onto his own paper. Twilight was speechless; she had noticed other ponies trying to sneak a glance at her work a few times before, but this idiot wasn’t even hiding it! How could the professor be ignoring such plagiaristic behavior? Indignation rising, Twilight began to let out a torrent of frustration on the cheater.

“Excuse me!” She admonished, her voice rising several octaves in the process. “You can’t just copy off of my work! That is academic dishonesty, and it is also simply WUDE! I–”

“Miss Sparkle!” A new voice drew Twilight’s head back to the front of the room. “You will use your indoor voice in my classroom young lady!”

“Sowwy Missus Bwight” Twilight murmured, sinking further into her seat. She looked back at the arrogant colt sitting in the desk behind her, who blew a raspberry in response. She pouted, folding her small limbs in front of her as she returned to her test. She had lost her place during the kerfuffle that had taken place, and so skipped to the next question.

“What is thwee plus five…” Twilight pondered this conundrum, a sense of unease building in the back of her mind. Firstly, she could have sworn she had studied this question at some point, and it bothered her being unprepared for a test. Secondly, she couldn’t say the letter “R” correctly, and she had the strangest feeling that this was not normal for her. Trying to shake off the unsettling feeling, she reached out for her quill with her magic.

She couldn’t feel it.

Now heading into panic mode, Twilight stared straight at the quill, willing it to float, to move at all. Sweat beading down her neck, she finally managed to produce a faint magenta aura, which caused the feather to flip over on its side. Twilight collapsed on her desk, huffing and puffing air into her tiny lungs.

“Why Miss Sparkle, did you just move that quill with magic?” The teacher’s eyes went wide.

“Uh... mhm.” Twilight mumbled

“Telekinesis is very advanced magic for a filly your age. I’ll have to let your parents know what a good job you did today when they pick you up from class.” She turned back to the blackboard and began writing in large, looping letters. Twilight felt several pairs of eyes on her. Looking around the class, several other fillies and colts were staring at her now. Pangs of anxiety began to creep up her spine as the entire class began staring at her with blank eyes. Twilight tried to do the breathing exercise that Cadance had taught her, but to her alarm she found her hooves stuck to the desk. The exam papers were gone entirely, replaced with a truly horrific sight. Between her glued hooves was a steaming stack of quesadillas. Twilight lunged backwards, nearly toppling her desk as she tried to remove herself from the terrifying tower of tortilla and queso. Laughter erupted around her as her body suddenly grew too large for the desk, forcing her back hooves onto her chair as her barrel was pushed upward. Twilight tried to scream, but found that no sound would come from between her lips. The incessant laughter grew louder as the temperature rose in the room. The floor began to melt into mush and Twilight found herself sinking downward. Her fetlocks sinking into the ooze, Twilight looked frantically around the room for a means of escape. Her gaze stopped on the front of the room and on the smiling teacher, who now had great curving horns growing out of her head, a long goatee, and a devilish face. Unable to move any part of her body, Twilight watched in horror as Lord Tirek himself walked up to the front of her still sinking desk and spoke.

“Welcome to the first day of Magic Kindergarten, Miss Sparkle. Are you ready to begin your remedial lessons?”

Petrified in a state of purest horror, Twilight could do nothing as the rest of her body sunk beneath the molten tiling with a sudden jerk. She was falling through nothingness, her arms and wings doing to prevent the inevitable collision with the incoming–

WHAM!

Unable to see, Twilight ripped her bindings off with magic, only to discover she had been trapped in her own bedsheet. An upside-down view of a bedroom greeted her dazed mind. After a few moments spent catching her breath, Twilight realized that while her flank was still snug in bed her head was currently touching the cold crystal floor. Righting herself, she collapsed onto her mattress with her tongue lolling out. A faint taste of frosting rested on her lips, which she licked clean while trying to remember the events of the night before. A hazy recollection of a party came to mind, as did a sweets eating contest that she had oh so foolishly taken part in.

“Ugh… Spike, take a letter,” Twilight mumbled groggily, forgetting that she no longer slept in the same room as the young dragon. “Dear Future Princess Twilight, please refrain from eating more than two cupcakes at any Pinkie-Party’s you may attend. Your queasy past self, Twilight Sparkle.” She collapsed back onto the bed, clutching her stomach and cursing Celestia’s sun for being up so early.

“Righty’o Twilight, I’ll get that letter to you right away!” Pinkie emerged from the space under Twilight’s bed, quill and parchment in hoof. “It’s probably for the best anywho, whenever I eat too much before bed I get the weirdest nightmares, not to mention a tummy ache. I think it’s Luna’s way of making sure we don’t overeat.”

Twilight stared blankly at her pink companion, then looked down at the space under her bed. It was hardly four inches tall. An eye began to twitch as Twilight tried not to think about it and failed spectacularly.

“It’s been nice seeing you Twilight, I’ll get this to you as soon as I can. I wonder if future Starlight might know where you got off to? Am I supposed to mention her yet? Oh well, gotta run!” Pinkie gave Twilight a tight hug before disappearing into a closet. There was an ominous lack of rattling coat hangers and shifting boxes as she entered.

Staring into oblivion, Twilight decided that she could eat as many cupcakes as she wanted in the future. With Pinkie Pie around it would be far easier to just swear off sleep.

Author's Note

This silly story is brought to you by boredom at work. ~~Vaguely canon with ‘The Sparkle Census’, sort of, maybe? It’s really not remotely important one way or another.~~ Definitely not canon with The Sparkle Census or any sequels that I am totally not procrastinating on while updating this description in the year of our Sun-Butt 2020.

Also, Luna was going to interfere but by the time she finished laughing Twilight had already woken up.