Derpy vs. the Evil Giant Muffin
Derpy vs. the Evil Giant Muffin
By Evergreen Falls
Derpy stared at her muffin tray with an ambivalent look on her face. She already had five of her homemade muffins for breakfast and wondered if eating her sixth and final muffin would be worth the risk of a stomach ache. While pondering the sixth muffin, she overheard screams of panic outside her door and felt the ground shake. Then the door to her house flung open before she could look outside to see what all the commotion was about.
“Derpy!” a brown colt with a propeller hat exclaimed. “We need your help! The town is under attack by an evil giant muffin! You are Ponyville’s only hope to prevent him from fillynapping the Princess of Friendship!”
Before Derpy could say a word or even absorb what the colt said, she found herself being pushed out the door.
She looked at the center of Ponyville, and couldn’t believe what she saw. It was at least fifty feet tall and had a green spiky turtle shell on what appeared to be its back. It had horns, a mouth full of fangs, and thick red hair and eyebrows. Strangely, it was walking on two legs—an act that left the four-legged pony speechless. Her jaw hung slack while she watched the monstrous baked treat spit fireballs and punch buildings with clawed knuckles.
“He’s back,” Derpy whispered to herself. How did he survive after I ate him? And why is he so big now? And why does he look so different? And why—
“All I know is that you have a particular…” Button Mash tried to sound sincere. “Obsession with muffins. There is nopony other than you who can defeat this thing.”
Derpy’s astounded gaze at the muffin went back to the colt. She understood why nopony else could possibly take on such a task, and she nodded gravely.
“Quickly!” Button Mash shouted. “Get into that pipe!”
They walked over to a large green pipe sticking out of the ground. Without question, Derpy jumped on top of it, saluted goodbye, and went down the pipe.
***
“What a horrid ensemble, Darling!” Rarity scoffed at the Pegasus that emerged from the pipe. “Why are you wearing blue overalls and such an uncouth red hat? But more importantly, what is with the moustache?”
Derpy curiously inspected the strange outfit. Where did this come from? And why am I wearing white gloves with pickle-shaped appendages?
However, the shock of emerging from a pipe in a plumber’s outfit was the least of her worries. She was more concerned with defeating the evil giant muffin before he could fillynap the Princess of Friendship. Derpy stared in horror at the damage the muffin had wreaked on Ponyville. Many buildings were flattened or ripped out of their foundations and thrown across town. Derpy’s nostrils stung from the thick haze of smoke rising from the flames of Sugarcube Corner and several other buildings. Large and deep three-toed steps remained in the soft earth where the muffin walked. All the while, an incessant din of fearful screams flooded her ears. This thing is too big and strong. How does Button Mash expect me to defeat it? Derpy shuddered as she considered her possible demise.
After a few moments of trying to talk herself out of it, Derpy concluded that it was in her best interests to at least try to defeat the muffin as the guilt of sitting idly while the Princess got fillynapped would be too much to bear. Furthermore, if she did nothing and something ever happened to the Princess it would only be Derpy’s fault for not trying to help.
With a determined look on her face, Derpy jumped off the pipe and fell face first on the ground because she tripped over the dangling appendages of her white gloves. In a heave of frustration, Derpy stuffed them in her pocket, as they would just get in the way when walking.
“Hit the yellow block with the question mark on it,” a colt shouted to her while pointing. “It will help you defeat him!”
Now what could this little brown colt with a silly propeller hat know about fighting giant muffins?
As Derpy didn’t have any better ideas, she listened to what the colt said. She looked at the floating block and wondered how it got there and how it was floating like that. Strangely, there was no magical aura surrounding it so that meant no unicorn was levitating it. Considering it best to leave her questions for later, she tentatively hit the block. Something resembling a muffin came out, and her pupils dilated in excitement. But then she remembered that those white with red polka dot things were sometimes not muffins but rather poisonous mushrooms. She learned that from experience in the past (several times).
“Nuh-uh,” she said to Button Mash. “I had one of those things three times—err...umm…ONCE before and got super sick afterwards.”
“Just trust me,” the colt pleaded. “It will help you fight the evil muffin king by making you SUPER DERPY!!!” The colt could barely contain his excitement as he saw his favorite videogame come to life right before his eyes.
“If you insist,” Derpy said hesitantly. She approached the mushroom and ate it.
She felt a surge of energy rush through her body and grew to the size of Princess Celestia. WHAT?! HOW?!
She affirmed herself that she couldn’t waste time questioning the strange things that had happened to her, such as the new plumber’s outfit coming out of thin air and her increased size, as she had an evil giant muffin to defeat before Ponyville was completely left in shambles. So she hesitantly walked closer to the behemoth. Her mouth began to water in anticipation of eating it. This is crazy—how am I supposed to do this?
“DERPY!!!” exclaimed the muffin. “Looks like I’m the big guy in this battle. I’ve been expecting you.”
“Oh really? Why?” said a dumbfound Pegasus.
“Because you’re the—gahh. Nevermind.”
“Giant muffin, prepare to get baked.”
“What a terrible attempt to intimidate me,” scoffed the giant muffin. “Just look at you—a cross-eyed clumsy mailmare. How can you defeat me when I am a fifty foot tall sentient muffin capable of destroying your entire town? I can swallow you whole! Just accept your defeat and go on.”
“That is where you are wrong!” shouted the Pegasus. “My love of muffins is greater than you could ever imagine. It is I who will be doing the swallowing!”
“Pfft, I doubt that,” mumbled the muffin. “Let’s just get this over with.”
“CHAAARRRGE!!!” Derpy yelled while flinging herself at the muffin.
Boop. Derpy bounced right off and landed in the town fountain. Also, the effect of the white and red mushroom wore off, as she returned to normal size.
“Quick, Derpy!” Button Mash shouted over the din of the screaming ponies. “You have to power up or else you may lose a life!”
“LOSE A LIFE?! BUT I ONLY HAVE ONE OF THOSE!”
“No you don’t! You have five chances to defeat him and then its game over!”
Game over? This isn’t a game. This is real. For pony’s sake, I can die!
So Derpy quickly flew away from the muffin to retrieve another mushroom to become Super Derpy again. On her way, she felt a scorching heat devour her tail. Looking back, she saw her tail burning.
“Mama mia!!!” Derpy cried as she lost a life.
***
Derpy emerged from the green pipe again and found no trace of a burned tail. That’s odd. And I’m still wearing the plumber’s outfit.
“DERPY!!!” exclaimed the muffin. “Looks like I’m the big guy in this battle. I’ve been expecting you.”
“Yeah, yeah, I know,” Derpy shouted. “I heard you the first time! We’re starting over!”
“But it is routine for the epic boss fights to have the boss repeat his initial statement at the beginning of each fight!”
“Save me the chitchat and BRING IT ON!”
Derpy hit one of the question mark blocks again and leveled up to Super Derpy once again.
“Hit another block this time!” Button Mash shouted. “There may be another power-up that will help you defeat him!”
Derpy dodged a fireball and saw another question mark block in the distance. It was dangerously close to the muffin, so she had to be cautious and avoid any punches or fireballs directed at her. She flew around the muffin, and approached the block. It was guarded by an animal she never seen before. It had a yellow head and a green turtle-like shell. It was also walking on two legs, just like the muffin.
Ponyfeathers! How am I supposed to get the block when that thing is blocking the way?
Derpy waited for Button Mash to shout out another command as he seemed to know more about fighting giant muffins than her. But she never heard anything as she had flown quite far away from the colt in search of the question mark block. She then took a deep breath and jumped in the air to pounce on the turtle-like creature. Hopefully I don’t get shrunken down to normal size again! Or worse—lose another life!
She landed on the creature and was happy to notice that she was unharmed. She stuck her tongue out at the creature and found it hiding in its shell. I got an idea! She picked up the shell and flew over to the muffin and threw it at him in hopes of having him be the one to shrink down in size for once.
Plink. The shell bounced off the muffin just as dramatically as she had. She then dodged the shell as it ricocheted back at her. She misjudged it and flew into a street lamp. Owwww. Darn cross eyes!
“Give up yet?” the muffin teased. “You’re no match for me. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m on my way to fillynap the Princess of Friendship.”
“Neigh way, Jose,” Derpy smirked. She was still dazed from the impact with the streetlamp and her eyes slowly scrambled back to focus. She wasn’t going to let the crash discourage her from the task at hoof. Furthermore, everypony in Ponyville had been watching the “fight” go on, and Derpy could not imagine how society would treat her if she just gave up.
Now that the bipedal turtle creature was out of the way, Derpy had a clear shot at getting to the question mark block. What could be in there this time?
She hit the block and a red and yellow flower popped out. It doesn’t look as appetizing as a daisy, but I guess I should eat it.
It was spicy and it caused Derpy’s plumber outfit to change colors. The resulting transformation left her in red overalls and a white hat.
“Aww yeah!” Button Mash screamed in excitement while trotting over. “Now you can throw fireballs at him!”
“Where are the fireballs?” Derpy asked.
“I don’t know…They just sorta come out of thin air when you press the B button… Umm…I mean when you throw.”
Derpy turned her hat backwards like a baseball pitcher for dramatic effect. She put in her best effort to hit the muffin, and then frowned when she saw no fireballs escape her hooves. Nevertheless, her eyesight probably wouldn’t have let her succeed anyway. What the hay is going on here! I gotta figure this out before the muffin makes his way to the castle!
“Put your gloves on!”
“But I tripped over them last time,” Derpy whined. “They have those five pickle-shaped things on them and make walking difficult.”
“Just put them on,” the colt pressured her. “The gloves are where the fireballs originate. And you could just fly if you’re so afraid of tripping.”
“Don’t tell her that!” the muffin retorted. “It is so fun to watch her trip and be clumsy.”
The muffin turned back to look at the Pegasus, hoping to get a good laugh, but regretted it as he saw a blur of fireballs coming straight for his face.
Derpy intended to throw fireballs at the muffin’s eyes to blind him, but her bad hoof-eye coordination caused most of the fireballs to fly right past him. Surprisingly, one struck the muffin’s nose.
“GAHHH,” the muffin screamed in pain. “Trying to fight fire with fire, huh? Two can play at that game!”
The muffin turned red with anger. In a fit of rage, steam shot out of his ears accompanied with the sound of a whistling tea kettle. He wasn’t going to let a clumsy pony prevent him from fillynapping the Princess, especially when that pony was so small compared to him. He also would not allow her to defeat him once again.
“The Princess can wait!” bellowed the muffin. “I need to deal with you first.”
“Oh I’m so scared,” Derpy teased while flying in circles around his head. But in all honesty, she was a little intimidated by the giant fire breathing muffin. Who wouldn’t be? The whole town seemed to be. The screams of despair proved that.
Derpy’s choice of words further angered the muffin. He let out an inferno while circling in all directions, hoping to hit the pony that was flying around his head. Little did he know that the mare was sitting on top of his head during the whole attack completely hidden from his view.
“Show yourself!” he barked.
“Here I am!” Derpy exclaimed in joy as she threw fireball after fireball at the back of the muffin’s head.
“GAHHH! Not again!” The muffin quickly extinguished the burn by launching his head into the town fountain. The rapid motion caused Derpy to lose her balance and she was also flung into the water. The muffin saw her in the water, face to face, and chuckled, knowing that he had her cornered. He spit a fireball right at her.
“GAHHH! Not again!” Derpy complained as her outfit turned colors again. She was now just Super Derpy and much to her dismay, could no longer throw fireballs. Her futile attempts just made the muffin laugh harder.
“I think I’ve made my point here,” announced the muffin. “You truly are no match for me. Now just fly away and make some crappy muffins or whatever.”
Crappy muffins? Pfft. He’s the crappiest muffin I’ve ever met. She scanned the town for another question mark block, hoping to find something useful against her rival. Her cross-eyed gaze landed on a block and she quickly flew towards it.
“Looking for this?” the muffin teased while holding the block. He then threw it to the outskirts of town. “Good luck defeating me now!”
Zapp! The block appeared directly over Derpy’s head in a bright flash of light. Surely a unicorn had been watching from a distance and teleported the block back to Derpy.
“What?! NOOO!!!” The muffin said out of both confusion and fear. “Don’t eat what’s inside! I’m warning you!”
Derpy hit the block and quickly ate the bouncing yellow mushroom with red dots on it.
“Uh-oh…” the muffin whispered. His eyes slowly drifted upwards as Derpy grew bigger and bigger. Everypony in town gasped at the sight. She was now the same height as the muffin, and this caused even more screams of despair from the town’s spectators.
“The horror! The horror!” Roseluck shrieked. “Now we have two giants!”
“We’re doomed!” a stallion shouted. “One can breathe fire and the other is as clumsy as ever!”
Button Mash’s eyes grew wide with anticipation.
“DERPY…WANTS…MUFFINS!!!” the giant Pegasus roared.
She charged at the dumbstruck muffin, and landed a punch straight to the chest. His body flew backwards a great distance before he crashed into town hall, causing it to tilt like the Leaning Tower of Pona. The resulting reverberations of the impact caused the windows of nearby buildings to shatter and made some ponies fall to their knees. Oops! Clumsy me!
After dusting himself off and flicking the screaming town mayor off of his shoulder, the muffin came charging back at the giant Pegasus with a punch. Derpy successfully blocked the punch with a hoof and grimaced in pain. It looks like my hoof-eye coordination is getting better.
“Look! It’s the Princess! She’s running away! You better go after her!”
The muffin turned towards the Castle of Friendship but didn’t see any princess. Instead, he saw a gray hoof come crashing into his face.
“Gotcha!”
“Bwuhh…” the muffin mumbled. He was getting really peeved that he didn’t have the upper hoof anymore. Another blast of steam blew out of his ears as he performed his signature attack. He hid himself completely in his turtle shell and spun on the ground in an effort to knock Derpy off of her hooves. The shell aimlessly flung around Ponyville, hitting buildings like bumpers in a pinball machine. A yellow question mark block was struck by the shell, and a bouncing yellow star with black eyes popped out. Derpy saw the star and her pupils took on the same shape out of pure excitement. As she flew to retrieve the item, she watched in horror as several buildings were destroyed by the spinning armored shell. She also noticed that the ponies watching the fight fled to avoid their inevitable demise. The Pegasi flew to the sky, holding their fillies and colts, and watched from the clouds. The unicorns followed suit, levitating midair just like Starlight Glimmer had when she fought Twilight Sparkle. The Earth ponies, on the other hoof, had to resort to running for their lives.
After realizing that his spinning ground attack wasn’t doing any harm to Derpy, the muffin tentatively stuck out his head. He instantly realized why and smacked himself in frustration.
“I have wings you know,” the Pegasus teased while floating over the turtle shell. She then retrieved the bouncing star. An intense energy coursed through her body while her fur, mane, and outfit rapidly cycled through all the colors of the rainbow. She felt invincible and knew exactly what to do. She charged at the unsuspecting muffin and held it in a deep embrace.
It was very satisfying to hug a muffin of her size for once, as her past attempts at hugging muffins typically resulted in a crumbly mess and tears. For that reason, she had bought a Dakimakura body pillow with a large muffin embellished on it. She loved that thing a little too much. She even named it. But that’s another story…
Coupled with the invincibility star and her love of muffins, Derpy’s unyielding hug slowly caused the muffin to shrink back to normal size. During which, he shouted obscenities in a voice that slowly increased in frequency as he decreased in size. After the effects of the invincibility star wore off, Derpy held a regular sized blueberry muffin in her hooves.
***
The mare was still fifty feet tall and had to do something to return to normal size. Still holding the muffin, she galloped towards the Castle of Friendship to see if Twilight Sparkle could help. She slowed her pace as her hoofsteps sent quakes through the town.
Considering how wrecked the town was from the fight, Derpy was surprised to hear cheers from all around.
“Ponyville is saved!”
“She saved us from that giant evil muffin!”
“How did that clumsy mailmare do it?!”
She then heard a familiar colt shouting to get her attention.
“I knew you could do it, Derpy!” Button Mash exclaimed in joy. “It was so amazing to see my favorite videogame come to life! But it was strange to see the villain turn out to be a muffin though…”
“…Yeah. But I guess stranger things have happened before, right?”
The colt glowed with excitement. “We gotta LARP sometime! Can I have your autograph? Can I ride on your back? Can I—”
“Yeah sure, whatever, but I gotta go see Twilight first,” Derpy interjected.
The colt followed her to the castle.
“Umm…do you mind knocking for me?” Derpy blushed. “I don’t want to cause any more damage.”
Buttton Mash knocked, and the two of them were greeted by Spike.
“Thank you Derpy, but our princess is in another castle!”
Author's Note
Why is the princess always in another castle? WHY? Tell me WHY?!! If you didn't throw your laptop out the window upon reading the last sentence, you have done well, grasshopper.
Super Mario Bros is copywrite Nintendo.
