An Su-37 Terminator separated from its pilot in Equestria

by Gale Maze

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Tirek, Princess Luna
Length: 2472

Due to the Equestrian Senate's meddling, a cliche event must happen. The first one is a military brony's entrance to Equestria. Of course, said brony is a bit late for training and only his beloved Su-37 is brought to Equestria! What will they do?!

Due to a new bill published by the Equestrian Senate, the latter which Princess Celestia regrets establishing every day, a weekly cliche event must happen. This week, a military brony must come to Equestria!
Meanwhile on Earth, Straw Mann is late to training the rookies due to angst. His Su-37 Terminator is therefore transmorgiportalizified into Equestria without him! This can only go uneventfully, aside from some collateral damage.
A tale of aircraft, princesses, and mild depression.

Did you know this fic is number 359999? 1 off from being a thousand Xbox 360s!

Published 2017-08-26 20:50:06 UTC
Last updated 2017-08-26 20:50:06 UTC

Yellow 13 is rolling in his grave

"All in favor, say aye."

"AYE!"

The room was filled with the sound of that one word, signaling complete and utter harmony among the mares and stallions gathered that day.

"Very well. In that case, we of the Equestrian Senate officially declare Proposition 1010, or "The Cliche Bill" as some call it, to be an official law! It shall now be known as The Cliche Law!"

Hats were thrown in the air for some reason. Some would say this was tradition, but that's a big fat lie. And I don't mean "thick" lie, I mean it's a big, fat, Wal-Mart shopping, McDonalds inhaling, Flubber-looking, Cabbage Patch Kid-faced, griling a steak just to drink the grease, beached whale-resembling LIE. This was quite literally the tenth bill they debated over in their existence. Well, I guess that's enough time to establish tradition, so you know what? Disregard literally all of that.

"STOOOOOOOP!"

Princess Celestia burst into the room, slamming the door open. She was huffing, puffing, and not at all aware that she threw her cupcake to the ground and galloped for her life all for nothing.

"M'lady, it's too late. We already passed it down."

See what I mean?

"In fact," said the senator of Fillydelphia, Prometheus Law, "we were just going over it for the third time because SOMEPONY forgot to throw her hat into the air."

"You blocked it with your weirdly angled throw!" The mare that was spoken of, Artemis Gotcha, was fuming at the Fillydelphian senator. "TWICE! In fact you DID IT AGAIN!"

"Well, that means we have to do it again, Artemis. Tough luck." Prometheus prepared his hat, a simple net hat that read "I'M CUCUMBERSOME" in a solid black font. He then signaled the Canterlot senator, who is not important nor funny enough to receive a name, to start it again.

Princess Celestia beamed like the sun she controlled. "Does this mean I can actually stop the law from being handed down?!"

Artemis shook her head. "Unfortunately not. This is just a rehearsal a certain someone caused with his erratic hat throwing." She took this moment to exchange glares and rude gestures with Prometheus.

"In that case, I have sweets to cry into. If you'll excuse me."

As Princess Celestia left, the Canterlot senator got back into position. "All in fa-"

"HANG ON! I gotta pee."

More than a few heads were bashed into their desks.

A few days later, the time had come for the first of many decisions, chosen by the hands-no, wait, HOOVES, yeah hooves of Lady Luck. Uh, Pony Luck? Pony Pluck? You know what, forget it, no horse puns for Lady Luck.

"Now, if Tucson Lepht would kindly pull the first event that shall grace Equestria, let us see what our land shall experience!"

Princess Luna's request was responded to with one more rotation of the bingo cage, followed by Tucson pulling out one of the wadded up papers with a glow of his horn. He unraveled it, read it, and...

"What's a military brony, Princess Luna?"

Pure, utter silence filled the plaza where they had gathered for the first cliche event's choosing. A few foals started crying in terror, a few mares fainted, a few special agents and griffin spies bit the cyanide pills that they had surgically replaced a tooth with, and for some reason, a cry of "MY LEG!" could be heard.

Princess Luna's glare was darker than the average plot of her favorite novels as a teenager. "Tucson Lepht. A military brony is a horror that none should ever experience. They say in the ancient scrolls found in Equestria's underground ruins, a tribe known as the Selph-Nsert had plagued the land with misanthropic garbage, terribly boring plots, wish fulfillment that the even great and not at all hypocritical hero Geyil Mayz couldn't defend, improper grammar-"

Suddenly, a single mare couldn't take it anymore. She ran away screaming incoherently. Some say she's still running and screaming to this day. Others say she's at the bakery and you all need to chill out. She denies it ever happened and gets embarrassed. She's cute, I'd ask her out but I'm just a narrator.

"Ahem. Point is, they were a really awful bunch and half of them probably had no military experience." She proceeded to look into the non-existent camera like it was an episode of The Office. If you don't understand that, I greatly pity you and encourage you to watch the American version, because the British version depresses me. "Yet we need to summon one for the first time in millenia, so uh. Sister help us all."

You could practically hear the light bulb going off in Tucson's mind. "Speaking of your sister, shouldn't she be here? I thought she was to use her magic to commence the chosen event, after all."

"Well," Princess Luna said, giving a rather over-the-top roll of her eyes, "she refused to do anything today but cry, drink wine, and eat ice cream. She tried making up some story about how this is the anniversary of her first love's death, but I know she's been single for her entire life, she's so full of... Sir Lepht, what's that look in your eye?"

The look in the stallion's eye was that of hope as he imagined himself and Princess Celestia dancing in a field of red roses, as they brought their muzzles closer, and... wait, isn't this the part where it gets interrupted? No? Wow, he's even got time to slip her the tongue! Anyway, they get closer and their li-

"SIR LEPHT!"

Soooooooo close.

"Ahem. It appears that it will be on me to make our first event occur. So, kindly stand back, citizens. Guards, prepare the bricks. Secret agents, which totally don't exist and I'm only mentioning just for the fun of it, prepare your hidden cattle prods which you totally don't have because you don't exist, and even if you did you wouldn't have prods so I dare any filthy zebra to come after our land and get zap-"

"Ahem."

The crowd was giving Princess Luna a number of unamused glares, and a few were beaming at her, praying that she'd then vow to secure unicorns' existence and a future for horned children.

"Anyway. I'll do the thing now."

"TEEEEEN HUT! Alright, maggots, we're having our final day of training! Colonel Mann will be there on your asses like herpes on teenagers! You're gonna do as you're told, when you're told, and not so much as BREATHE without him telling you to! AM I CLEAR?!"

"SIR YES SIR!"

The pilots all saluted the drill sergeant as he barked out a pep talk. Meanwhile, over in another hangar, Colonel Straw Mann was brooding about the futility of life, his meaningless existence revolving around death and destruction, and cute anime girls.

"Man, if I spent $80 for nothing on this dumb game..."

Oh, just the latter. Anyway, he makes his gacha pull, mashes the screen, and...

"GODDAMMIT, NOTHING AGAIN?!" He almost threw his phone down in frustration, but then remembered how many hours he's put into the godforsaken game. With a sigh, he pocketed it, and went back to brooding about the first two things I mentioned.

He closed his eyes, lit up a smoke, and considered his life choices. He was minutes away from teaching the art of aerial combat to these rookies. He was no ace, but he was still one hell of a pilot. The idea of being considered good at destroying enemy land was something that-oh you've heard all this plenty of times, nards to this. Point is, he's pseudo-philosophical.

However, as he was brooding, something mystical was happening. Space warped in the hangar the drill sergeant was screeching in, as a certain Straw Mann's jet fighter was bending, contorting, expanding, and straightening all at once. With a bang, Straw Mann's prized Su-37 Terminator vanished!

"...Well, uh. Drop down and give me twenty, I guess. Straw's gonna flip out."

With a simultaneously timed bang, a single jet fighter appeared in the plaza! Everyone reacted quite reasonably, behaved rationally, and did not pan-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA yeah no, they all panicked.

"IT'S A METAL MONSTER!" "WE'RE GONNA DIE!" "LUNA, WHY?!" "THIS IS WHY SENATORS SUCK!" "MY LEG!" "Didn't you already say that?" "...MY OTHER LEG!

"Citizens, citizens, halt! Take a breath! 'Tis merely a strange object that may or may not destroy us all!" Princess Luna wasn't even going to try with this crowd. This is why Nightmare Moon was born, Celes. You shouldn't have made me do this. Also, I think I used the "summon military weeaboo" spell. Uh, whoops.

Princess Luna once again rolled her eyes, and walked up to the aircraft. She knocked on the metal hull with a hoof. "Hello? Any otherworldly, angsty horrors in there? Are YOU the otherwordly, angsty horror of which I speak? Do something twice if you are. Otherwise come out already, my ears are starting to ring."

Princess Luna's request was ignored by the inanimate object. With a sigh, she flew up top to the glass dome, and peered inside. "Looks like nobody's in there. Don't mind if I do..." With a magic bolt the glass dome was smashed, and all the glass was magically transported off the seat. Luna sat down in the chair, noting how comfortable it was, and took a look at all the gauges, buttons, and levers. "Wow, I can't understand any of this! Guess there's only one thing to do..."

Princess Luna started pressing every button.

The missile pods armed and disarmed, the machine gun revved, the jet prepared for take off once or twice, the wheels pulled back into the aircraft, until eventually.

TARGET LOCKED

"Huh? What target?"

Luna looked at the convenient heads up display that did not require the glass dome to be in place, somehow. 500 whatevers away, there was a location labeled "Tirek's Secret Hideout." Princess Luna got an evil look on her face. Not quite Chaotic Evil, but definitely Lawful Evil. Maybe Lawful Neutral depending how you look at it. Point is, she knew she was about to cause some serious damage to some bad people.

She looked at the buttons for once, instead of erratically mashing them as usual. She noticed one was labeled "FIRE MISSILES." Now, she knew what a Magic Missile was, but a Fire Missile? This oughta be good. She pressed the button, held it...

Two missiles fired off, causing the crowd to go completely still in fear. After they fired off, they went back to their scheduled panicking.

In Tirek's lair, a meek pony came forth on the long, red and black-striped carpet. Before the giant red devil-like being, she knelt in complete and utter respect for her master. After all, being a villain came with fantastic healthcare benefits!

"Lord Tirek," the pony who will also go unnamed said, "the plans to once again invade Equestria are complete! Nothing can stop you this time, for the Elements of Harmony are distracted by the most heinous of things: hidden credit card fees! You shall reign supreme at long last!"

"Well done, Exposition!" Tirek then laughed maniacally at his successful defiance of me, and his incoming rule of Equestria. "Finally, Celestia and Luna shall pay for their denying me of my rightful throne! Let us feast, for tomorrow, the end of Equestria shall come!"

Then, a magical panel lit up, and a griffon's face could be seen. "Hey Tirek, there's two things flying at our lair at a really fast speed. What do we do?"

"I dunno, panic?"

They proceeded to do so until the lair blew up thanks to the two missiles. They were unharmed, but only physically. Tirek shed a single tear at another plan gone to the toilet.

"BULLSEYE!" The aircraft's voice clip played as an explosion was heard in the distance.

"I...I did it! I just annihilated the last of Tirek's forces!" Princess Luna giggled in excitement, before leaping out and pointing at the smoke rising in the distance. "SUCK IT, TIREK! YOU JUST GOT MOONED ON!"

"Was-*hic*-was that really your best line, Lulu? LAAAAAME."

A heavily inebriated Princess Celestia then stumbled towards the plaza, giving no time for the civilians to cheer. She was holding a bottle of centuries-old wine, and was clearly sauced.

"Celes, you're drunk." Princess Luna placed a hoof on Princess Celestia's shoulder, trying to be as polite as possible. "You should go home. I'll walk you."

"No, wait, we gotta-*urp*-we gotta do that thing! We gotta...we gotta...What were we doing today?" Princess Celestia was clearly horribly drunk and was only getting worse as she took another swig from the bottle.

"We were doing the first cliche event, remember? The thing you were drinking yourself into a coma over?" Luna shook her head as the crowd muttered among themselves, mostly about the nicknames the sisters gave each other. Stupid judgement ponies.

"Well why didn't you just say so?!" Celestia took another swig, having somehow slurred every one of her words. "We gotta-*hic*-we gotta make it happen, sis! We gotta do it!" Celestia stumbled over to the center of the plaza, running into the Su-37 on the way. "Hey, jerk, move it or I'm gonna...I'm gonna...uh..." Princess Celestia took another drink. "Hey Lulu, what was I just talking about?"

"You were threatening that inanimate object."

"Oh yeah, thanks. How's about a MAGIC MISSILE!" She fired off a bolt at the plane, busting the wing. She continued firing off more random spells, trashing the plane until one sent it across space and time. "Haha, smoked em. Anyway, let's-"

Princess Celestia was interrupted by her need to vomit all over the plaza. Nobody learned anything that day, except to not let Princess Celestia drink.

Back on Earth, Straw Mann was in a ball, crying, as all the rookies watched awkwardly.

"Oh, my poor jet!" Straw weeped to himself. "You went to Gensokyo without me! Oh, why? WHY?!" Straw continued to incoherently shriek to himself in pure, utter despair over the loss of his plane.

Until it suddenly transmorgiportalizified back into their dimension, anyway, horrible damage caused by a pony princess included. Straw literally died of pure sadness after that, as though the fates wished to give his life a tragic, unsatisfying, and rushed ending. The miracle never happened, and the rookies just went back to the barracks for the day. The drill sergeant pretends it never happened and screams in the face of everyone who says otherwise.

THE END

Author's Note

Please don't ask. I don't even know. There's a guy in a mask who waves this chef's knife at me whenever I stop typing. Oh god, what happens when I finish this and therefore have nothing to type? I'm scared.