Lord Of Dorkness' Cutting-Room Floor

Original/Placeholder Title:  One-shot prototype (Old Law breaking version)

Rating: Teen.

Series, if applicable:  XXX

Characters: Harry Dresden (Other), Fluttershy, and Twilight Sparkle.

Planned Tags: Dark. Adventure.

Yeah. Law Breaking as in in Laws of Magic. Fair warning: I don't even remember why anymore, but I was in a horrible mood when I wrote this, and man above does it show.

Don't even remember the details on why I was like that, but... Yeah, this was cut for a damned good reason. My muse went full psycho for some reason, and I was genuinely mildly horrified what I'd written a few hours later. Dresden is horrible out of character at the end, and I'll freely admit it myself.

Still... this is the cutting room floor, and I'm sure at least a few of you'll get a kick out of seeing things go full on train-wreck.

Again, still, this is Ground Zero for Dark Horse. Back in the days I genuinely thought it would be a 3-4 chapter silly little short story. If nothing else, I think there's a neat lesson there that just because draft #1 went off the rails, there can still be something of great value to salvage in a take #2.

Just, you know, again, fair warning. Thrown into the bin for a reason. Read on your own risk. Oh, and not even the editors have seen this one, so you get to see it with all the normal warts as well.

“Let me get this straight, ma’am… you’re telling me that I was a crazy cat-lady in my previous live, but with bears?”

The extremely purple winged unicorn on the other end of my desk all but had her jaw fall off.

The a bit too vivid colors aside, the girl was weapons-grade adorable. The slightly bigger size than me aside, she just had this ‘hot-librarian that doesn’t realize how hot she is’ vibe thing going that was just way too strong for me not to believe it intentional. I guess there are less classy baits for a honey-trap, but still, I’d prefer some professional courtesy…

Or failing that, a cheerleading outfit and pom-poms.

Probably some damage from all that crap with Winter, but plain nudity just barely registered with me nowadays. Heck, it wasn’t even as if this Twilight gal had as much as rhinestones on. By supernatural heavy-weight clearly trying to seduce me, standards? Stars and stones, she was all but plain.

Hey, man, mare… a grown person has needs, and the trickle of partners willing to share my bed? Partners mortal, willing of their own free-will and not so evil they by all rights should have had cloven hooves?

Let me tell you, that trickle had not been strengthened by spontaneously growing teats. Perhaps I was just hunting the wrong avenues since I kept getting comment about how mind-meltingly adorable my new face apparently is…

But I just couldn’t say I was in a hurry to go a courtin’ at Anthrocon, or whatever. Even a ex-man with the awesome mutant power of turning into an adorable pegasus once needs to have standards, after all.

While my ‘client’ stuttered and searched for words, I fidgeted slightly in my seat and loosened my collar slightly using my canary-yellow hoof. I’d paid my svartalf contacts a surprisingly small price to have my entire wardrobe (and then some) ponified, but I could still see why quite a few fellow afflicted by this had taken up nudism. Personally I had both too many enemies and dignity to go that route, but the sweaty price of it was most certainly worth thinking about.

No idea why the svartalves wanted me to stare into a runed jar for five minutes using ‘all the hate from the bottom of my heart,’ but whatever...

Hardly my fault the jar melted.

Or screamed.

Or how the melted glass kept trying to run away.

Still, some weirdness I’d probably should look into sooner or later aside, a ‘free’ svartalf tailoring  was hardly something to sneeze at. The irritating warmth of it aside, even I had to admit the stuff fit like a fireball in a ghouls face.

I fidgeted slightly again. Sadly about twice as hot as well, from the feel of things, but still.

Personally I felt a bit more worried about the bowing, the scraping and the chanting of: ‘Please pass us by, oh mistress of the Gaze of Doom!’

Probably nothing to worry about… and if I spent long enough at Mac’s that my body starts remembering how to become drunk I might actually believe that myself.

Finally had enough, I spread my hooves and still somewhat unfamiliar wings into a large shrug. “Please, Mrs. Twilight, I’m a busy mare.” I pointed towards the small line outside my office, trying not to smile wide-enough to squeak at that rare sight. “This whole pony thing has given me more business than in years, and it seems you have some more thinking to do.”

The crestfallen look on the ‘princess’ near broke my heart on the spot, so I quickly leaned forward and gave my best smile. “Look, I didn’t mean it like that… but surely you can get that I don’t want to keep all those people waiting?”

It was slightly hesitant and she did bite her lip while doing so, but Twilight gave me a brief nod.

“How about this?” I said, reaching for my brand-spanking new stack of business cards.

Alas, spending about a year dead-ish? Not what I’d call good for business itself, but man was it hell on wheels for wizard street cred. I’d been worried about all my assets being frozen slash gone, but apparently at least the Wardens had some type of precedent for this type of stuff. Some rather invasive and embarrassing spells aside to make certain I was indeed who I said I was, hadn’t come back through necromancy, and that the Winter Knight’s mantle was really gone, aside?

...Well, this was me and The Council we are talking about so I’d hardly call it with open arms, but at least I’d gotten what amounted to a sour nod and a reluctant admittance that the black sheep had done the impossible again.

That backpay, some favors, checking the walls for asbestos and ‘asbestos’ later, and I had both an apartment and a office again.

I felt a pang of sad nostalgia as I wrote out my small note on the back of one of my business cards. Neither this office or the new apartment was even near as nice as my old ones… but eh, them the breaks.

What can I say? The memory of seeing Mab’s shocked expression as she realized me turning into a pony was making me unfit for her carefully orchestrated mantle inch by inch? And that it wasn’t my doing?

If it would ever not make me smile, It would probably be due to me being dead again.

I felt a slight blush start up as the squeak from my cheeks cut the air, but I hid it by passing Twilight the card. “I usually don’t do this, but if what you’re telling me is true we’ve got quite a bit to talk about.”

I saw something not fit for such a cute face flitter over her features for a moment at the suggestion I doubted her word, but to the mare’s credit Twilight fought it down.

I pointed a hoof at the small scrap of paper. “I plan to eat dinner there later tonight. As I said, I usually don’t do this, but from the sound of things you need a few hours to think anyway.” I gave another ruffling shrug. “If that is not of interest to you, you may also reach me through the numbers on the card at a later date.”

Twilight’s brow furrowed slightly after having read my card. “...No parties?”

“Real magic is not a toy,” I almost reflexively told her, “if you aren’t careful it will eat you; mind, body and soul.”

Twilight let out a small gasp, as if the very idea was horrific. She even almost dropped the card, but she just barely snagged it with a hoof before it fell to the ground.

I made my voice slightly less stern before pressing on. “Now, that particular misuse? More about my own pride, than any corruption from the act.” I straightened out to my… to be fair, not quite as impressive as it once had been, height and continued much more sternly. “But would you care to spend an entire life-time to learn how to channel the forces of life itself, only to be expected to pop balloons for screaming children with it? I think not.”

“And no pony rides…?” Twilight’s brow furred again. “Why would you want to do that, anyway…?”

I felt the slight blush return again as my mind drifted back to one of the best days of my life. “Sorry, but there’s a young Lady and Gentleman that has called dibs.”

‘Forever, and ever, and ever, and ever...’

And I don’t think I’d have it any other way.

A pang of pain flashed through the happiness… still, coming clean about that for the Lady in question would be a later thing, no matter how it may go. For now, the biggest concern was that my daughter was safe and happy.

TINY TEXT! If that was not in my arms or home… so be it.

I vaguely felt the pen I’d still been holding turn to splinters in my magical grip as Twilight’s ears perked slightly. The ‘mare’ froze as I glared her straight in the eyes and leaned over the desk with my wings spread in challenge. “If that was more than compassionate curiosity for my friends children, Mrs. Twilight?” I leaned in and did my best attempt at snarling low enough the line outside wouldn’t hear. “Then I will do worse to you, all you call kin, all you call home and all you have ever done, than I did to the fucking red court. Have I made myself fucking clear?!”

To my considerable surprise, I actually felt the slight tugging of a soulgaze beginning. I had to force myself to fold my wings in again and sink down onto the cushion I used for a chair, but I just barely managed.

In front of me, Twilight Sparkle started breathing again.

She looked as if she was moments near both puking and crying, but she at least started breathing again.

“...Please forgive that outburst, Mrs. Twilight,” I tartly said as I forced my feathers all the way down with a small effort of will, “but several ex-monsters have tried to sent me ‘cute’ little messages over the years using my friends or pets.”

I had to take a deep breath and close my eyes for a few moments as Susan’s face flashed through my mind, before pressing on.

“If you meant nothing by that ear-perk, I truly apologize..” I opened my eyes again, and I swear I saw the purple winged unicorn’s pelt crumble slightly from the resulting glare I gave her. “But I have found that a warning and then feeding monsters their own entrails work far better as a detergent against future fools, than just that last act.”

Twilight turned slightly green and had to swallow something I’m rather certain I don’t want to know about, but aside from looking if she was moments away from running screaming? She just remained still.

Her hooves wouldn’t quite stop shaking, though.

“I’m sorry for the hard-ass routine, especially if you’ve told me the truth…”

Something hot flashed in Twilight’s eyes at the word ‘hard-ass’ for some reason. “Honesty is very important to us Equestrians.”

I ignored both that flash of anger and her words, pausing only to let her speak. “...but frankly? The land you are describing sounds like this ludicrously perfect utopia. If it truly exists, I would probably cause the very grass to wilt with every hoof-fall, from the sound of it.”

I made damn sure my voice and face was as kind as I could make both before continuing. “I’m not this Fluttershy. I’m sorry, but… the meek animal handler you talked about? I’m sorry, but… I’m simply not her, and none of what you’ve told me really makes me want to be that person, either.”

I barely heard it even with my new ears, but I did catch Twilight whimper out: “...Oh, Fluttershy… what has this world done to you?”

I rolled my eyes at her. “The dramatics and how I wouldn’t mind… reconnecting aside, you aren’t giving me many reasons to pack my stuff and follow you down the rabbit hole, kid.” I swept a hoof slowly over the office’s white walls. There wasn’t much there aside from the furniture and my pile of paperbacks, but damn it, it was my barely furnished room. “I have a home and property in this reality. Things like that, friends and family aside, why would I give up my life for the sake of a cottage that’s probably rotted down to the ground by now, and piles of animal bones?”

Twilight looked as if I’d bucked her in the stomach; she just kept opening and closing her mouth like a fish air-drowning.

“Is there a lover? Any… foals?” This tiny hope I thought I’d stomped out decades ago winked to life; barely an amber, but still flaring enough to burn the corner of my heart it rested in. “Any… family, of any description?”

That tiny amber died as Twilight hesitated and looked away; gone like a politician's promises after your vote has entered the ballot.

“I’m… sorry, but… Fluttershy never talked about her family.” Twilight’s gaze drifted down and got locked onto the floor. “I didn’t want to pry… and suddenly it was just too late to ask. I’m sorry, but I just don’t know.”

I raised an unamused eyebrow at her. I was trying not to sound like an ass… but this girl, power rising off her like a mist aside, was just so naive. It was as if she really expected everything to work out as long as every’pony’ did their best and worked together.

I couldn’t even remember being this… young. Not mentally, at least.

I let out a sigh that even to my ears sounded old. Then again, my type of life will do that to a person.

I folded my hooves on top of my desk —making the runed hipposandals I’d redesigned my force-rings into give out a soft clink— and tried to sound reasonable. “And it didn’t occur to you, that that type of info might make or break trying to get an amnesiac to come with you? An amnesiac that has been without those memories for so long they’ve built a whole other life, at that?” Some of my bafflement broke through my mask of proffesinalism, but I think it actually helped from the slight red to Twilight’s cheeks. “For God’s sake girl, what part of ‘curse that causes rebirth’ passed you by?”

Twilight did her guppy impression again.

“Consensus data? Interviews with any other surviving friends? Searching her home for family photos?” I pointed a hoof at my staff as it rested in the corner of the room. “Come on. None of those unmagical means of finding that out occurred to you? Let alone all the myriad ways magic might have helped?”

Twilight got this gleam in her eye I didn’t really care for. “I’ve got this spell that lets me share memories. If you just l-”

“NO!”

Twilight actually toppled over backwards from the surprise of the force in my voice.

I took a deep breath and forced my wings down again. “Twilight, mind magic is highly regulated in this realm.”

“...Why?” the mare said meekly, as she pulled herself upright again.

“Because one wrong move, and it drives you and the person you are using it on insane.” I reached over my desk, and passed her one of the small brochures I’d printed about the Laws of Magic. ‘Common Dangers of Magic - Harry Dresden.’ For anybody actually in the know before this ponything it was near insultingly basic stuff… but for all the poor bastards without one that had suddenly sprouted a focus on their foreheads or backs? Didn’t want to brag, but I’d probably saved quite a few people's sanity and lives with that small pamphlet.

Twilight took the thing in her magic and started reading. Frankly, the way her brow furrowed in concentration would have been utterly adorable in any other circumstances.

Well, until her eyes widened and her face paled at the part about the punishment for breaking the Laws, at least.

“Black magic twists the user in this realm, Twilight,” I told her in a kind voice, “extremely rarely you can get to them in time…” I had to pause and let out another thousand year old sigh. “...But most of the time, they’ll laugh and spit you in the face while planning their next atrocity. The only kindness you can give somebody that far gone?”

Twilight’s ears perked all the way up as I used the ‘k’ word. To my growing horror, there was even a tiny smile tugging at her lips...

“It is to sharpen your blade before you let it fall on their necks.” I’m rather jaded even by wizard standards, but I still had to suppress a wince as Twilight’s ears fell, and all the air seemed to rush out of her. There are certain things no man (or mare) should ever need to tell a winged unicorn that cute, and I felt like an utter bastard for needing to tear at her innocence like this. “I’m sorry, Twilight, but it’s how this world is.”

Still, better her innocence dead, then her and who knows how many innocents.

To my surprice however, Twilight both continued reading… and looked confused again. “...What’s this about Names…? And why the capital letter?”

I vaguely felt my jaw hit my chest before I got my face under control again. “Are you telling me that earlier wasn’t a naive but kind gesture for proving that long lost friend thing?!” I forced myself to continue in a less audible voice. “This is very important, Twilight… have you given that same introduction to anybody else in this realm?”

Something in my voice or expression must have punched through that almost bullet-proof naivety of her’s, because Twilight actually thought it over. “...Don’t think so…?”

I let out a breath I hadn’t even realized I’d been holding and sank down into my seat again. “If you don’t remember a thing other about this meeting, Twilight? Names have power. You say your full name, of your own will, from your own lips?” I couldn’t quite stop a shudder. “There are people out there that will use that against you in horrible ways.”

Twilight actually thought it over for a few moments…

Then she laughed me in my face.

Now, I’ve got it under quite decent control, nowadays… but I do have a temper.

And this spoiled brat with more power than brains, no matter how nice she was, clearly needed a lesson… and I could give one she’d actually survive.

“Twilight Sparkle,” I proclaimed in a low voice, pouring enough power into the simple words that they rang slightly as the passed through the air, “I command you to punch yourself in the face hard.”

For a moment, Twilight just looked confused.

Then her hoof moving of its ‘own’ accord and whistling through the air, impacted cleanly with her cheek. I had to give the girl credit for taking care of her body, because the impact was so strong she actually fell sideways off her seat.

“I’m sorry,” I told the shocked and betrayed looking mare as she dragged herself upright on shaking hooves, “but I’ve seen far too many promising young kids turn up dead or worse than dead, just because they didn’t guard their Name as well as they should have.”

She clearly didn’t like it, but Twilight took a few shuddering breaths with her eyes closes; trying to center herself. “...I’m sorry for having doubted your word, Fluttershy, but there is no way it is th-”

“Twilight Sparkle, I forbid you from using magic.”

The small pamphlet and card, who Twilight had done a truly remarkable job keeping levitating, suddenly dropped to the floor like lodestones.

The mare just let out a small urk.

Than her pupils turned to needle pricks and she throw her head back to scream.

“Twilight Sparkle, I forbid you from screaming or speaking. Be still and listen, until I give you permission to move once more.”

Twilight was hyperventilating when she finally managed to gather enough courage to look at me again.

I took a deep breath and resisted the urge to jump over my desk to give the mare a hug. I wasn’t quite certain if it was what little of the gentleman in me the world hadn’t beaten out, her ‘we used to be the BFF’s’ story, or… well, an adorable winged unicorn looking at me as if I was the devil herself.

But I most certainly didn’t like having to be this cruel, just to be kind.

“Twilight,” I ignored how she flinched at the simple word, and pressed on in a kind voice,” I really don’t want to say this… but right now? I could order you to go home and eat your family.”

Twilight stopped shaking. She wasn’t even breathing.

“If I make sure the orders cover all the bases? You would do it with a smile, as this tiny bit still you looking out through the cell your own body has become screams.” Even I had to take a deep breath for pressing on. “And there are people in this world so twisted, that they would do worse than that because it amuses them.”

My orders forced her to remain in place and listen… but I hadn’t said anything about not reacting to my words. The vile mass (a distant part of me noting containing quite a bit of hay) started dribbling down her own chest as she hulked, all while her head remained looked towards me as if caught in a vice.

My nose wrinkled slightly at a rather distinct pungent odor joining the nasal symphony, signaling they I’d need to buy a new cushion for pony clients as well.

I rose from my seat and trotted over to the door, slowing only to make sure my orders wouldn’t make Twilight break her own neck trying to listen to me. Thankfully, that didn’t happen.

I stuck my head through the doorway and tried not to wince at how much revenue I was about to lose. “I’m sorry, but my current client has had a small medical accident. Would you all please come back tomorrow after I’ve disinfected the office?”

A few of the line —a worried looking white unicorn mare with a frazzled purple mane I would have bet gold against rotted cheeze was here for the ‘magic 101’ breakdown especially— looked like they were about to protest... until they smelled the puke and urine.

“The ambulance is on it’s way,” I smoothly lied, “but please make room and give the poor girl some privacy.” I did my best to memorize the faces of them all. “I’m sorry for wasting your time, but if you return tomorrow I’ll make sure you get a small discount for the sake of this inconvenience.”

To the people's credit, they barely hesitated… even if a small bit of me huffed rather loudly about that the promise of a discount probably did most of that.

I waited until the white, well shaped rump and its three jewels had followed its owner around the corner. Cute girl, even if the way she kept frowning and looking at her horn distracted from that a bit. Probably one of all the ex-humans in a decent line I’d done so already with that wanted to know just what the limits and price for the reality warping bone on her forehead would be.

Still, unlike my current ‘client,’ that would probably be easy enough to deal with.

With a slight shrug I closed and locked the door.

I felt something stab through my heart as this barely audible whimper cut the air.

Still, the girl had suffered in uncertainty enough. “Twilight Sparkle, I release you from all my previous commands.”

The mare fell into a sobbing mass on top of her own filth.

“Twilight Sparkle,” the mare in question went as rigid as a board before I went on with a much kinder voice… and minus the magic. “I hope this dreadful demonstration has told you why telling your Name around here is the worst idea you might ever have? The last bad idea you might ever have yourself, even.”

Twilight seemingly couldn’t stop crying, but she started nodding desperately at my words.

I barely hesitated saying my next words: “I swear on my power I will never again use your Name again, unless in defence of myself or others.”

A slight shudder passed over me as the vow took hold. “Do you want a bucket and some water, or should I just unlock the door and step aside?”

And~ it was about there that I realized that this version simply wasn't working, that I was being way, way, way too unkind to a mare that hadn't actually done anything yet in-story, stepped back, and got cracking on the far gentler V2.

Direct link to the actual, final chapter, if you wish to compare and contrast.