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              Celestia, the Brightest Shadow               
                   -by Starlight Flare-                    
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                      Lost In Thought                      
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Lost In Thought
Age. A concept lost on a princess. Something I've never truly dealt with, yet... It's a curious topic. One I've studied many times. Old ponies lose their memories and feel as if life is passing them by faster and faster as they grow. Growing causes them to lose memories. Brains may only hold a limited amount of memories before they're tossed down into a pit, never to be remembered again. Is that why they mention life speeding by? How they feel that last year was just yesterday? I have pondered on this before. As an individual continues on with their life, they gain more and more experience with life. And with that, memories. These memories, however, fade. Young ones remember so much more due to their limited time in Equestria, meaning they have less memories... But older ponies? They have many memories. Many memories which have faded long ago. With their brains seeping memories out, they forget many days in their life. Many meaningless ones. So they feel as if time is in fast forward.
How many memories would I have lost by now if I could forget that easily? How many meaningless days have I had?
Celestia lay in bed, struggling to sleep after all the celebrating that had gone on that day. Twilight had become an alicorn recently, and the celebration had occurred within Canterlot. She remembered vividly about the fireworks. Their colors, their shape, and even their path into the air, before they had exploded. She had eaten that scrumptious chocolate cake with pink icing earlier in the night, and even accompanied Twilight to the Canterlot garden, where she had replaced Discord's old statue with another generic pony statue.
I even remember it's exact pose. It was standing-
Celestia stopped and sighed as she looked out the window from her bed, where she was snuggled up tightly. She stopped and gazed at Luna's magnificent moon and smiled gently as her eyes resumed to close in hopes of sleeping, soon. ...Does this mean Luna has 1,000 years of memories of suffering on that moon...? Celestia's eyes shot back open as her muzzle quickly formed into a frown... She stared at the moon and begin to worry exactly how much suffering Luna had to endure. She knew alicorns could forget, too. But they had a much easier time of remembering than the average pony. Oh Luna, I'm so sorry...
Turning over in her bed and staring at the door, now, Celestia's worries turned over as she began to think about Discord as well. Does that mean... Discord also has many memories of being a statue in my garden...? Watching children go on field trips to stare and gawk at him? She rolled back onto her stomach and put her elegant sun themed pillow over her head to try to get her thoughts off all this memory jumbo and finally get some sleep, but she was struggling. She wanted to tell herself the answer. Yes. Ofcourse they both have suffered 1,000 years of torment. All thanks to you, Celestia.
A sigh escaped Celestia's muzzle as she continued to think about them. She was uncomfortable with all these thoughts that were rushing her head, but she couldn't stop. She knew that going to bed had an ironic side effect of waking up the would-be sleeper, even if just a bit. Chrysalis came to her mind as she continued to think of those she had done harm to. I... never really hurt Chrysalis. But I had tried. Would I have imprisoned her into years of torment and loneliness, too? No. Ofcourse not. I have learned from my mistakes.
Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. The clock sang as it's pendulum swung slowly back and forth. Celestia exhaled another sigh as she put the pillow back on the bed and stared back at the moon. No matter how hard I try to forget... That night when I banished you... I can't forgive myself. There had to be a way to ease your jealousy. Why did I... have to use the elements...? No. I did the right thing. ...Right? Oh, Luna... Why did you even get jealous. You know the ponies loved your brilliant night. Even if they struggled to show you.
Sombra... Celestia slid her hoof under her chin as she remembered Sombra. She had put him through 1,000 years of imprisonment, too. Hadn't she? If only I could have reformed them instead of imprisoning each of them... I could have helped my royal subjects... Yet. I was too weak. Twilight's friend, Fluttershy, had reformed Discord when I could not. What was she feeling so upset over, suddenly. Power... Am I too weak to truly defend my subjects? Is power really that big of a deal? Nightmare Moon almost defeated me 1,000 years ago. The Elements helped me with Discord, as well. Chrysalis defeated me because I was too weak... None of my adversaries had gone out to seek power, yet... They all used their power to achieve their goals. Is power really that necessary to lead your subjects? Will I fail again...? Worry had wrapped it's tight grip around Celestia, and she was feeling herself losing conscious as her eyes closed yet again.
Before Celestia finally lost conscious and fell into a peaceful slumber, a quote she had heard from Starswirl the Bearded had stung into her mind.
"You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become a villain."
Morning came around as Celestia woke up, rubbing a hoof across her head. Wincing from the terrible migraine she woke up with, she went out onto her balcony to rise the sun. Not to her surprise, Luna was lowering the moon right on schedule, which gave away her next move. Greeting her sister. Celestia let out a patient sigh. Good morning, Sister! Your mane is such a mess! Celestia giggled as she tried to predict what Luna's morning greeting would be, today.
The younger sister stepped into the room almost exactly as her elder sister finished making her bed. "Good morning, Sister!" She greeted with a pleasant smile on her face. "Twilight and her friends have not departed to Ponyville, yet. Perhaps we could go see them off." Luna suggested, looking eager to spend more time with her sister. Her eagerness slowly faded as she noticed small dark circles under her sister's eyes. "Again? It seems like you have trouble sleeping every weekend. What has been troubling you as of late?"
Celestia grumbled inside her own mind as loudly as she could to hopefully "intimidate" the migraine into leave, but an image of Chrysalis overpowering her sternly wedged into her brain. "Oh, don't worry, dearest sister... I just had another... Nightmare."
Luna's expression went serious as she raised an eyebrow. "Do I need to remind you of what my duty is?"
An image of Discord laughing wildly had taken Chrysalis' place inside her mind. Laughing wildly at the princess. That was possibly the worse lie I've ever told. She sighed happily. If Luna had been 1,200 years younger, that may have worked. But her dearest sister was much more mature and would never fall for such a pathetic lie. I messed up, again, huh...? Oh well. Nopony is perfect. "I'm sorry, Luna. I've just been thinking..."
"About?"
Celestia bit her the lower half of her muzzle. You despise when I bring that up... "About how much pain I've put you through."
Luna put her hoof over her face and sighed. "Sister, you know I hate it when you brin-"
"And Discord. And Sombra. And-" She stopped. I... never put Chrysalis through anything. She had cut her sister off, and then herself. Which, for some reason, made Celestia laugh gently to herself.
"And...?" The dark blue alicorn pressured.
"Nevermind." Celestia quickly responded. "I didn't mean to make the atmosphere moody. I'll catch up to see Twilight and her friends. You may go ahead, if you please."
Luna smiled. "Don't take too long, you know Twilight would be disappointed if you didn't make an appearance after I have." With that, Luna headed off.
That went well. Celestia thought to herself. She had answered Luna's question, but kept them off the topic her sister didn't want to enter, again. It must hurt her to remember, too. The door to her royal bathroom opened up as she struggled to keep the migraine out of her head. Entering the shower and using her magic to close the curtain and start the shower, she sighed happily as her migraine started to leave her. The water washed down her horn and chest as she closed her eyes and levitated the shampoo. I wonder why Twilight and her friends didn't head off last night. Did they think they wouldn't make it? Is there something else they're doing here? Perhaps she wants to celebrate with her family, as well. She remembered that Rarity had absolutely adored Canterlot, but even with all that elegant energy, would the fashionista really had kept them all there? Maybe the fillies?
"Ahhh!" Celestia blurted out as she slid a bit and caught her balance. She watched as her bar of soup slid down. Instinctively, the princess raised her foreleg up and reached for it, but stopped... I see they replaced my soap with those new butterfly-shaped soaps that caused such an uproar at the beauty saloon a week ago. She would've laughed had the thought of Fluttershy had not suddenly entered her mind... She imaged Fluttershy in place of the soap. It seemed like such a random dumb thought, but there she was, imagining a small yellow pegasus whimpering under her hoof. Oh, Fluttershy. You know I would never stomp on you.
"I would." The bold voice pulled Celestia even deeper into her momentary trance as Sombra's voice continued into her head. "So would Nightmare Moon. And she was closer than I was." The imaginary wisp of black smoke flew around Celestia's head as if in orbit. "Or are you that powerless to rule over even Fluttershy?"
Celestia shook her head and broke out of the trance as she firmly levitated the soap instead of taking it with her hoof. She imagined Sombra laughing at her lack of "dominance" on the soap, but quickly changed her imagination as she finished up her shower, slipped on her royal attire, and headed out to see Twilight. Well. Princess Twilight, now.
After leaving her royal castle, Celestia began trotting through town. She enjoyed the scenery and peace of Canterlot. The smiling faces of her subjects. The whistling of bells and doors opening and closing. Waving to her subjects and friends on the streets, and ofcourse, passing those sweets shops with her favorite cakes.
"I hope Chrysalis doesn't come back." A stallion spoke out loud behind the nearest restaurant, speaking with his friend as they sat in the dining area outside. "I mean, Celestia wasn't able to defeat her. Shining Armor and Cadence left to the Crystal Empire." He explained. Celestia felt herself wince... Was she really that undependable?
"We have Luna, as well!" The smaller stallion bursted out. "If Luna was here last time Chrysalis attacked, we would've been safe within time record! Besides. Don't get so worked up over it. She's probably halfway across the globe after that last blast!"
Yes. Luna and I together would've been able to defeat Chrysalis. Celestia nodded silently to herself as she started to head to the train station. Am I really that weak...? That undependable...? Even Starswirl knew more than I, sometimes. Even when our age differences were so substantial. Perhaps I do need to practice my spells for Equestria. My loyal subjects shouldn't have to live in fear, right?
The princess shook her head and sighed. She had to stop this thinking. This worrying. This fear. I hope I haven't missed Twilight and her friends. Luna wouldn't let me live it down for years. She picked up her pace, but made sure to not seem like she was rushing. Traveling down each street that had less ponies, and making sure to respond to each of her subjects that greeted her. Unluckily for her, most of them always wanted to talk to her.
Celestia arrived at the train station and made her way over to the trains but sighed in disappointment as she watched the train steal her prized pupil and her friends away, heading back to Ponyville. Maybe they didn't get on. How wrong she was. Spotting Luna, who was waving goodbye to the train, she knew for certain that they were off.
"BYE, PRINCESS CELESTIA!!!" A familiar voice screamed. The white princess looked toward the train and smiled gently as she spotted Pinkie Pie hanging out of the window waving to her. Eager to say bye, Celestia raised her hoof and gave a slow, sad wave to Pinkie. She swore she heard Twilight and Spike's voice, but couldn't make out what they said.
The dark blue princess' ears perked up in interest as she clearly heard Pinkie Pie. She turned around and scanned the area before beaming and rushing over to her sister. "You just missed them." She stated as she wrapped hugged her sister. "Don't worry, I told them farewell for you."
"Thank you, my dearest sister..." Celestia sighed happily and returned the hug back to her littler sister. "I'm sorry I wasn't able to arrive on time. I guess I really am...-" She stopped herself from finishing her sentence. She knew if the sentence continued, Luna would become worried. Worried. Worried was exactly what the princess had been feeling all morning. She wasn't sure why she was so concerned, these days, but if she had a guess, it'd be on the fact that more powerful adversaries had been threatening Equestria. She kept her muzzle shut, but decided to finish her sentence. Undependable.
Luna raised an eyebrow as she waited patiently for her sister to finish. Breaking the hug and stepping back, she noticed how troubled Celestia seemed to be. Bringing it up would've been the first thing she did, but in town, she didn't want to attract attention to themselves. Celestia was always awfully quiet in town, at parties, and especially at funerals. But it wasn't the same silence. She was worried. "Why don't we head home, now? Or do you want to stop by the cake shop?"
"No."
"To...?" The younger asked.
"Hmm?"
"No to what?"
"Oh. I don't need a cake, today. I mean." The older answered. "Let's go home."
"Is something... on your mind? Is this about this morning?" Luna finally brought up, trying to keep her voice down to a half-whisper, half-talk. "You keep drifting off. Lost in thought."
"...Well. Yes. Alot is on my mind, Sister. After all, Twilight just became an alicorn, yesterday. Ofcourse I've got alot on my mind." Celestia answered, trotting with her sister back home. "I'm sorry if I keep drifting off. I'm just so proud of my prized pupil for everything she's done."
"Oh. I... see." Except. She didn't see. Or believe. Maybe she wasn't lying, but there was definitely more to it than just Twilight's wings. She decided it would be best to not question her further till they were back in the castle, confined from all the ponies who were undoubtedly wanting to listen into their conversations.
The walk home was awkward. Luna trotted slowly next to her older sister, struggling to keep her muzzle shut from mentioning all the instances where Celestia was drifting off and taking the scenic route. Normally, Luna enjoyed flying to her destination, as she lacked the patience her sister showed, but this time. This time, she was too worried to leave the elder sister alone. Fearing that she'd just get in a worse mood. Even without words, just being there and patient with her sister would help her. Or atleast. That's what Luna believed.
Celestia, however, continued struggling with her emotions. Was it jealousy? Anger? A sense of weakness? No... I'll just make sure I get more power... That's how I'll protect my royal subjects, right? I can't let them continuously live in fear of Chrysalis. Sombra. Anyone. Her face fell blank as she felt herself arguing. Like an angel and devil had magically poofed on her shoulders like they did in staged performances. No... No... Power isn't everything. I should make sure I use my power wisely and not abuse it. Seeking it may be beneficial, but I need to make sure that it doesn't become my life... However... If I was stronger, I could have... The elder sister looked down towards her younger sister, who had been watching her for the past couple minutes, unnoticed.
Concern covered Luna's face. "Are you... sure you're okay?"
"Yes. Thank you for worrying about me. But, honest. I'm fine, little sister." Celestia reassured her. "I just... need some rest. Last night was rough for me. And I would be happy if I could have some time to think."
"If you're sure. Don't forget I'm here for you, big sister... If you need somepony to talk to or keep you company, I'll come running."
"Thank you..." The elder sister nodded and looked toward the castle. "I've... been heading the wrong way, haven't I?"
"Mhm."
Sigh. "I really should pay more attention."
"That, you should." Luna agreed.
After what felt like an eternity for Luna, the younger alicorn yawned and excused herself to her bedroom to rest for her nightly duties. Leaving the older sister to head to her throne. Celestia, however, wasn't interested in the throne, today. However, she knew she couldn't simply abandon her duties, and headed towards the throne room. Atleast I'll have peace and quiet to think to myself... She reassured herself.
To princess Celestia's pleasure, the day was indeed quiet. Only three visits with her majesty had been called, two of which were solved in record speed. The third guest had quite a debate, but after some negotiations, the problem was solved. She tried her hardest to keep her posture up, but everytime her mind wondered off she would start to lay down or lose focus on what was going on around her.
Power... Is power really that necessary to rule? I suppose if I use it flawlessly, I could rule over Equestria while being able to simply wave my adversaries back into the badlands... My subjects would actually be able to depend on me. She looked to the brightened glass window which held a magnificent portrait of her faithful student and her friends defeating Discord. Am I pressuring Twilight...? If she didn't have to use the elements to save Equestria, she would be able to continue her studies. However, those trials are what's gotten her so po- Worry had once again wrapped it's tight musky grip around the princess' neck. Powerful... Celestia bit her muzzle as she applied some pressure onto her throne. She continued to fight with herself about power. If it really was a requisite for the future, or if she was just feeling petty emotions of jealousy. Darkness was looming around in her head. Images of herself defeating Sombra, Discord, Nightmare Moon, and Chrysalis came and went as she saw herself. A powerful leader who didn't need to rely on her student and her friends, putting them into so many dangerous situations. Everypony was happy in her imagination. All her foes fell like wild fire. Hydras, Dragons, Parasprites, Ursa Minors. Everything seemed so weak, or was she simply just that strong?
The majestic alicorn stood up suddenly looking to her guards, who, as expected, turned to see what was wrong. "I'm heading over to the training halls." She simply stated as she walked away from the throne. Expecting some sort of retort from the guards, she had her answer prepared. However, when she turned back to check on them, they both looked worried. "What's the issue, my loyal guards?
They exchanged looks and then stared back to the princess. "Oh. Uh. Nothing, our highness. Shall we escort-"
"No, that'll be fine. I can look after myself. Thank you for the kind offer, though." Celestia quickly answered. "I'll be back in about two hours. You may leave your post and pursue another task."
"Yes, your highness." The guards responded. As their princess left, they exchanged looks. The training halls? Celestia? WHAT!?
Choo choo! The train's horn blew as it carried on it, the newest alicorn and her best friends. They knew the train home would take a while, but they never noticed as the sound of laughter and chattering filled it's yellow interior. Wind swept silently outside the closed windows and the seats were plush and roomy for the little ponies.
"I still can't believe it, dear! You grew absolutely marvelous wings. I'm sur- Oh no." Rarity gasped as she looked over the purple pony's wings.
"What's wrong, Rarity?" Fluttershy asked. "Aren't you glad for Twilight? I know I am! This is simply wonderful!"
The fashionista placed a hoof over her forehead and gave a dramatic sigh. "It's just that... I'll have to spruce up all of Twilight's dresses to fit her new structure and lovely wings!"
Applejack chuckled out. "Oh, Rarity. Knowing you, you'll have them all done lickity split."
The giggly party pony sat next to Twilight and looked to her expression! Worry? No. No. No. "What's wrong, Twilight? Turn that frown upside down! Aren't you happy to be an amazingly wonderful wing-tastic alicorn!?"
Twilight snapped out of her daydream and looked over to her friends, who were all watching her, now. "Oh, no. I'm glad to have became a princess. I'm just disappointed that we didn't get to see Princess Celestia before we departed. I didn't think she had the time to arrive. I was thoughtless."
"Uh. Not really." Rainbow bluntly stated. "None of us thought she was going to have time to see us off. This is the Princess of Equestria we're talking about. How were we supposed to know that she'd be at the train station! Honestly, Twilight. It's not a big deal."
The purple alicorn looked over her shoulder. "Not a big deal!? Not a-" She paused. That's right! Cadence's trick. She placed a hoof gently over her chest and swayed it outward as she took a deep breath and released it. "You're right. It was a simple mistake. Besides. I'll just write a letter to the princess when we get home. Alright, Spike?" She beamed down at her favorite number one assistant.
Spike nodded and smiled back to her. "Right a letter to Princess Celestia when we get home. Got it!" He saluted and leaped onto the seat next to her.
Luna wiggled in her sleep as she had the most pleasant dream about making her sister, Twilight, and everypony happy. Saving Canterlot from some generic black pegasus stallion who had almost won in destroying the entirety of Canterlot. Awakening and stretching her muscles and legs, she puffed out the happiest breath she could as she woke up relatively quickly, unlike her sister. "Ah! That was the best dream I've had in decades." She beamed as she hopped out of bed, made her bed, brushed her teeth, and tidied up her room in mere seconds. "It's time to seize the night!" She roared in pure happiness. Many hours had passed since she had seen Twilight and her friends. Sleeping through the afternoon did have disadvantages, but she always had time for her sister. Observing the slowly lowering sun, she made her way to the throne, wanting to greet her bigger sister and tell her all about her exhilarating tale.
However, what Luna spotted was more confusing than expected. The throne was empty! She spotted the two royal guards, who immediately began sweating at the sight of her. "Where's my sister? What's happened? Why is she not sitting on her throne?" She hastily questioned, causing some of her words to meld.
"Err... She went off to the training halls five hours ago." A guard responded, standing proud and pretending to not be intimidated.
The moon mare's hoof quickly found her chin as she started thinking of the possibilities. "Training... halls? My sister?" What? But why? Was there some sort of new threat coming to attack Equestria? Already? Why else would her sister be in the training halls. Surely there was some sort of disaster approaching. Or... "Hehehehe~." She giggled suddenly. "Is this another one of her pranks? Come on, Sister. Where are you hiding? Going to come out and scare me~?" She taunted as she circled around the room with a beaming smile.
The guard's face dropped into a serious expression as he raised an eyebrow. "No, I'm serious. She's been in the training halls all day."
Luna frowned. "Oh. You weren't joking..." Sigh. "Alright. I'll go see what's the matter. It's not like her to practice her fighting prowess..." She stated, now concerned. Five hours? In the training halls? This didn't seem right to the younger sister. It had been years since she'd been practicing actual combat and offensive magic. She was already so talented in both fields. Why would she need to practice for five hours straight, suddenly? Was she afraid of being outshined?
BOOM. Not the most delightful of sounds to trot in on. But Luna stepped in and gasped as she saw a giant ash mark on the giant diamond shield that was used for target practice. She WAS serious, it seemed... "Oh, Luna. My beloved sister. What are you doing up so early?" Celestia asked, smiling gently and trying to ignore the mess she had just caused. "I thought you had gone to bed?"
Luna shook her head and struggled to pull her gaze away from the mark. "Uh... I did go to bed early. Celestia. It's Eight. You've been training for five hours." She informed. Her sister looked surprised as her eyes grew, looked to the clock, and looked back to her sister. "Why are you practicing all of a sudden, sister? Is there something I need to know?"
I've... been practicing for FIVE HOURS? Celestia thought to herself, her muzzle still gaping in shock from the time as her eyes watched her little sister. ...I should apologize to my guards. "No, Luna. I was just pushing myself. I haven't protected Canterlot like I should've. I lost track of time. You know the saying "Why does time fly when you're having fun!"" She giggled, hoping to ease Luna's worry.
"Are you... sure? Why did you almost destroy our diamond shield? Why are you suddenly practicing so hard?" She asked, all the while still having her eyes fixated upon the shield. She almost destroyed it... No. Almost obliterated it. How did she get so strong in the span of five hours? Was she always holding back?
"Little sister, I just answered those questions..." She giggled again, this time feeling the atmosphere get... awkward. "Don't worry. I didn't have many guests today, and I wanted to use my spare time to hone the skills I've been neglecting. I just... perhaps got too lost in the moment to realize I shouldn't be trying to destroy our training halls."
"Sister..."
"Yes, Luna?"
The younger sister stepped toward the diamond shield and looked back to her sister. "H-how did you do this? What spell is this...? I didn't know you were capable of such feats. Did you get this powerful in only five hours of being in here?"
Celestia sighed. Why didn't I watch the clock? I should've known the consequence for letting my sister see me like this. "No, Luna. I just haven't used these spells in public. Five hours isn't enough to hone your magical prowess like this. I just wanted to test myself. To see if I was still capable of the spells I once read about and seeked to learn. To use to protect my subjects."
Luna, still amazed, trotted back over to her sister. "Spells like this are absolutely terrifying, sister... That's much more destructive power than I've seen anypony perform... I see why you've been neglecting to use them in public." She paused. Thoughts were rushing through her mind faster than water rushing from a broken dam. Fear. "Why... didn't you use this spell to protect Canterlot from Queen Chrysalis...? I heard she defeated you with one magical blast... But. If you're capable of... that. Then..."
No... No... Don't get scared, my beloved sister... I would never harm you... A sigh escaped Celestia's muzzle as she let silence speak for her. Collecting her thoughts for what she wasn't prepared to say. I suppose she deserves to know. She regretfully decided. "Because, Luna... I wanted to reason with Chrysalis. I was hoping we could come to a peaceful agreement. One that would benefit both of our loyal subjects. I didn't want to hurt her. I wanted to subdue her. However, I foolishly used a spell too weak. And she was able to overpower it and send it back."
"But... With t-this, you would've been able to win that duel with her, easily..."
Celestia sighed as she rested a worried hoof on Luna's shoulder. The younger sister looked up to her, her eyes filled with worry. The eldest gave her sister a worried expression. "Luna... This spell is designed to KILL."