Magic Trumpet Man

by Dustchu

Rating: teen
Tags: Tirek, Princess Luna, Comedy, Ahuizotl, Random, Human, Daring Do, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2821

He's a crazy human, and he's got a magic trumpet!

What it says on the tin can folks.

He's a human, a crazy human and he's got a magical fire breathing trumpet!

May contain: Idiocy

Published 2017-01-13 06:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-01-13 06:50:01 UTC

Let Those Trumpets Sing!

Author's Note

Yeah its a Saxophone, :trollestia: what are you gonna do bout it?

Let Those Trumpets Sing!

"What a beautiful day it is." Twilight said to herself, laying down her book titled, 101 Best Brews For a Bigger Bum before standing up and walking towards the window and looking out it. It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining, the birds chirping and ponies out enjoying the sunshine and shit.

It was a glorious fucking day!

Nothing could possibly ruin this wonderf-

*HONK*

*Swoosh!*

Twilight's eyebrows furrowed, W-was that a trumpet? She wondered to herself, having heard plenty of trumpets before during Celestia announcements when she's going on a cake rampage.

She shook her head, surely she was imagining noises.

*HONK*

*BOOM*

Her castle shook from the force of an explosion, causing her to lose her balance and topple over like pancakes stacked far to high. "Whoah!" Went best book butt as she fell to her butt, her butt now immensely sore from falling to the crystal floor of her gaudy crystal castle.

She made a swift mental note to have Spike lay carpet everywhere.

"SPIIIIIKE!" Twilight bellowed, her voice carrying across the castle like a horny parrot before her faithful assistant, Spike eventually appeared with a pitter patter of his clawed toes on the flooring.

She had no idea what on earth was going on, but she was gonna find out!

*HONK*

*BOOM*

"Twilight! There's a human in the castle!" The purple runt exclaimed, hopping up and down.

Twilight's eyes widened, "A human?! But how!" She quickly ran out of the room she was in and down one of the halls at a hurried pace. She knew all about humans from her excursion into the human world where Sunset Shimmer was now living with the human versions of her pony friends, but if this human was here he had to have come through the portal! There was simply no other way, but if he was here in human form... why was he not a pony?

Once Twilight re-

*HONK*

*BOOM*

Ahem...

Once Twilight reached th-

*HONK*

*BOOM*

On-

*HONK*

*BOOM*

...

...

...

OnceTwilightreachedthemai-

*HONK*

*BOOM*

This went on for some time, until the old narrator got so mad, he quit and we had to hire a new one.

Twilight made her way down tha halls, gallopin' as fast as her four lil hairy-ass legs could carry her n' shit. The biatch could teleport yo, but alas my mothafockas, she opted ta run fo' mo' suspense fo' tha crew. Spike rode on her back, clingin onto her mane n' tryin ta keep from bein thrown off as his olda sista figure continued down tha crystal halls. Once Twilight reached tha main room where tha odd explosions was comin from and shiz, sh-

*Sigh* After firing this narrator and hiring another one, we went with one that could speak plain English, and apologize for the technical difficulties.

Once Twilight reached the main room where the odd explosions were coming from, and ignoring the fact she repeated this gallop nearly three times, she focused on the human that was in her castle.

And she found herself slightly worried.

The human was a tall one, standing at six feet in height and wearing only a pair of black pants with slight bits of red on them that sagged far too low. In his right hand he held a jacket of sorts that matched his pants, which was smoking as if on fire. He was also lacking a shirt exposing some red blotches on his skin that looked like blood, and he had no shoes on his feet as he stumbled around aimlessly, hysterically babbling nonsense as his wild dirty blonde hair waved all around and he chewed on sunglasses.

In his left hand however... Twilight saw a trumpet. A simple brass instrument like many ponies in the musical industry use for their orchestras, or some annoying ponies use to blast through your eardrums and render you deaf for an uncomfortable amount of weeks.

Twilight also spotted several fires, some on her chairs, couches and som-

"MY BOOKS!" Twilight bellowed/screeched in the Royal Canterlot Voice, her very voice sending Spike flying off of her and into a wall. Twilight teleported over and didn't waste time casting spells to snuff out the fires on the books, trying to save her childr- I mean the rare tomes of magical knowledge from the fiery hellfires of flaming death itself.

Also smoke damage, that's bad too.

Fuck the chairs though, she can replace those like, super easily.

Once the fires were out, she turned her angry and fierce glare towards the human. "Who in the buck are you!" She yelled at him.

The human didn't seem to even notice her there. "Ahhhh why?! What a world!" He screamed instead of answering her question, swinging his trumpet around. "There's fire everywhere! And three bean tacos!"

Twilight shook her head. "What?! Answer me!"

"AHHHHHHH!" He screamed again as he stumbled down a hall, and before Twilight could try restraining him, he held up his trumpet to his mouth. And she watched as he blew into it, and to her immense shock she saw fire bellow out from the end of it, coating the walls, furniture and doorways in intense flames that she could feel from where she was standing, and she was pretty far away! She watched as the strange human bellowed out flames through his trumpet all around him, not even caring what he set fire to!

"AHH MAH BOOKS!" She screamed, rushing over to another bookcase as Spike tried to put out the fires on the chairs and nearby couch as the human stumbled down the hall.

Twilight cared though.

For her books of course.

And neither one seemed to notice the human vanish in a flash of sparkling flames.

Temple of ButShexio

Daring Do scowled at her foe from where she was tied up, Ahuizotl who held the staff of ButShexio in his grubby tail paw thing as his groady minions, dressed as tribals again for some dumbass reason encircled the mare who could, quite honestly kick their asses with just a flick of her hoof.

She had come to this temple in the middle of the Amarezon to find the staff, and she did find it after heading through countless tunnels, booby and boobie traps, several undead ponies and a smoke monster to get to the staff. Only to end up befouled by her eternal foe.

Ahuizotl!

"Ahahahaha Daring Do! I have beaten you once again!" He laughed in triumph, as the injured Daring Do scowled at him once more.

"You won't get-ah! Away with this!" Daring promised, struggling against her binds. "I'll beat you then write about it in my book and make millions off of it!" Daring yelled.

"Hahaha!-wait wha?" Ahuizotl tilted his head in confusion.

...

"... Did I say that outloud?" Daring asked quietly.

She didn't get an answer, becaus-

*HONK*

*Swoosh!*

Yeah that.

Ahuizotl shouted in pain as his tail caught fire and he dropped the staff, he ran all around in a fiery pain, trying to put it out as his minions panicked as parts of their tails and manes caught fire.

Daring shook her head, using the opportunity to escape from her confines using a handy dandy knife she kept in her jacket. Good thing she prepared before heading out on her adventure to steal... I mean appropriate the staff of ButShexio so she could sell...

I mean take it to a place to be kept safe from the grubby paws of one Ahuizotl.

After she cut her binds, she stood up and darted for the staff, looking over to her savoir...

And saw it was a half naked monkey thing spewing flames from a brass trumpet. The man stumbled around in a half daze, hysterically blowing flames from his trumpet somehow that made Daring's head spin. He set fire to some of the minions, who screamed in pain before galloping off.

Ahuizotl bellowed in anger, before whirling on the human. "Just who do you think you are cretin?!"

The human just sobbed screamed loudly as he nommed on his glasses. "Om nom nom nom!" He nommed with such force, it made Ahuizotl back away in fear. He had never seen anyone or anypony nom something with such grace and flare, it made his legs buckle, his eyes water and made the trumpet man cover him in flames once more.

"YIIIIIIIIIIIE! I'M NOT WORTHY!" Ahuizotl screamed, bellowing in pain as he jumped off the alter they were on and onto the ground below.

Daring just stared in both amazement and slight horror as the trumpet man turned to her.

"There's water in the air!" He cried, sobbing as he twirled around in a drunken like state befor-

*HONK*

*Swoosh!*

-More flames shot out from his trumpet, n' shit.

Daring blinked her eyes, quickly vanishing down some convenient steps and getting the hell outta dodge as our human friend babbled about politics being unfair to the human race, and how he wished he had Trump's powerful full pouting lips instead of his own meager ones.

This was probably the strangest thing she's seen so far in her lifetime...

Tartarus

Tirek, professional magic vacuum and evil douchebag of Equestria rampaged through Tartarus, finally having escaped once more to exact his revenge on Equestria. He had brooded and plotted his revenge on that damnable mare that not only sucked away his incredible power, but threw him back into Tartarus to rot like the rest of the scumbags that belonged down here.

And one dude named Steve...

Fuck that guy, amirite?

Anywho, he galloped through Tartarus, not even wasting time as he quickly attacked and sucked away any inherent magic the prisoners and guards themselves may have had stored within themselves. He kept growing bigger and bigger as he made his way towards the exit, he was determined once more to get what was rightfully his, all of Equestria and its magic! It was rightfully his, and he would have had it, had his brother not dicked out and gave him up.

But alas, that was in the past, and he was gonna get what was his.

This will be the third attempt he has tried to conquer Equestria and the world, of course.

*HONK*

Or it would have, had an explosion of odd intense fire not stopped him in his tracks.

Tirek skidded to a halt, finding in his path an odd, pale and lanky creature stood in front of his path to freedom, magic, and tacos. Tirek growled, "Pathetic creature." After doing a quick little magic trick, he sensed there was no magic at all coming from the odd fleshy thing... except for the instrument he was holding.

"Waaaaaaaaaah seeeeeveeeeet innn yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Shbadeeeesh ibababa!" The human yelled, holding his trumpet high with both hands, and several of the other prisoners bowed suddenly. "Yoooooooooom... inn waaaaaaa eeeeeeeh!"

A visible vein on Tirek's head pulsated, as he bellowed, "Cease your infernal noise!"

"ITS THE CIRCLE OF LIFE!" The human yelled, elongating the I in life as he stumbled around. "Simba~" He whispered, twirling his trumpet.

Without waiting, Tirek opened his mouth, and was about to suck out the magic from the Trumpet. This infernal monkey thing... would not stand in his way! He was prepared, his own magic surging forth...

*HOOOOOOOOOONK*

And then Tirek was sent flying back into a wall by an intense blast of fiery flaming hellfire, which came from the trumpet. The human then stumbled up to Tirek, before slapping Tirek with his smoking jacket. "My espresso! MINE I SAY!"

"Y-you damnable ape!" Tirek roared, before the human stumbled away quite fast... and Tirek himself was tackled by Cerberus, the three headed dog guard of Tartarus. "No! Get off of me! I was so close! I SHALL NOT GO BACK!" Tirek bellowed as his magic was sucked out of him by the dog and given back to those who had it before. And Cerberus picked up Tirek in one of his jaws before cantering back to his cell, as the centaur flailed about in his jaws like a spoiled baby.

One Hour Later - Canterlot

"And he set all my books on fire!" Twilight finished her hour long rant to Celestia, huffing and puffing as strands of her mane seemed out of place, making her look a little bit nutty. The mare had found out her other supply of books had been set ablaze, and were little more then ashes by the time she arrived to put them out. She found out, because the smoke was filling up the the incredibly high ceiling, it wasn't until she had the urge to look up did she spot the thick plumes of black smoke.

She didn't even smell it, for some strange reason.

Probably from all of the cocaine she did last night.

Celestia just sat on her throne, nibbling on some cake she had brought to her as Twilight ranted and explained to her about this strange fire breathing human. The solar princess was unsure of what to make of this oddity of a human, as Twilight had no proof, other then the massive pile of ashes she brought with her which was currently being swept around by the winds from an open window that nopony could find for some reason.

She was very displeased.

"Did you seriously have to bring that pile of ash into my throne room? I just had it polished." Celestia scolded, now she would have to get her maids to clean it again!

"B-but the human! HE MUST PAY!" Twilight snorted, literal fucking steam flying from her nostrils.

Celestia, just waved a hoof. "I'm sure it was for a good cause."

"G-good cause? He burned countless books that held incredibly powerful magic!" Twilight screeched, as Spike sat nearby, Celestia having given him a donut to eat.

"Pish posh, you can replace those." Celestia remarked.

Twilight sputtered in disbelief, spittle flying."They were thousands of years old!"

"Don't you have them memorized by now anyway?" Celestia asked, taking a dainty bite of her cake.

The lavender alicorn blinked. "Well... yes of course I do, I've read every book in my archives at least 53,594 times!" She chirped with no small amount of pride in her voice.

Celestia shrugged. "Then rewrite them or somethin', I dunno." The white princess just nommed on her cake, she was tired and very bored. And having to deal with Twilight's insanity was not something she wanted.

"Hmm..." Twilight hummed in thought before teleporting away somewhere.

Leaving Celestia alone with her guards, Spike, and a maid named Bob.

And a giant fucking pile of ashes.

"Bob darling, please clean up this mess for me." Celestia waved a hoof towards the pile of ash, "You too, Spike."

"Aww man!" Spike groaned, slapping his face. Thanks Twilight...

As Bob and Spike went about cleaning it, Celestia thought to herself. Hmm... I wonder who that human was?

Ohio, Earth

Our human friend woke up outside, laying on the fresh dew laden grass of his Ohio home. His was still shirtless, his pants still sagging far too low and almost exposing... things that shouldn't be seen by any human eyes except in the bedroom. His bloodshot eyes starred into the skies above, which were blue and shit like most skies were, because earth. His hand loosely gripped his trumpet, and the other his jacket.

With a groan he sat up, and sneezed violently before putting a hand to his head.

"Duuude..." He coughed, reaching into his pants pocket and pulling out a joint. "That was a crazy trip.." He stared at the joint for a moment, then shrugged and pulled out a lighter before popping the joint in his mouth and the fire to the end and lighting it up. With a deep inhale, he puffed out a ring of smoke.

Some steps next to him, and a large midnight blue alicorn sat next to him.

He turned and his eyes went wide, "Whoah, that was fast."

Luna stared at him for some time, before saying, "We have been watching you for some time, and while... we do not approve of what you did to young Twilight, We feel we must thank you for thwarting Ahuizotl's scheme and Tirek's attempt to escape." She bowed her head gratefully.

The human blinked again, before looking down at his blunt, and held it out. "Wanna get lit?"

The midnight alicorn's eyes centered in on the blunt, and she took it in her magic. "As you humans say, puff puff pass."

The human laughed, "Haaaa, right on man." He held out his fist, and Luna hoofbumped it.

And so, Luna and the human got super high, as Twilight Sparkle rewrote thousands of books by hoof.

The End.