Chapters Paul's Boss Explains Everything
Paul’s Boss Explains Everything
“So why are we changing the company we get our temps from?” Paul asked, only because the current temps were very hassle free. He wasn’t eager to see his days filled with training people who have aspirations or delusions of a steady job.
“Well, it seems the operation to solder a person’s tear ducts shut is illegal in America,” Paul’s boss explained, taking out a booklet from inside his desk.
“I don’t see why that would be a problem.”
“For the temp company it’s not, but it raises prices for us. I did a little shopping around and found an agency that’s far cheaper.” Paul’s boss slid the booklet across to Paul. Paul picked it up and began leafing through the pages. He read through the entire booklet very carefully before setting it back down.
“I’m not even sure how to react to this. We’re hiring horses?” Paul’s boss nodded, confirming what Paul had just read. “This is a call center… you need to be able to speak to work here.”
“Don’t worry Paul, these ponies are capable of speech. I didn’t believe it myself at first, but the head of their company came to speak to me in person. She could speak, read, write, everything.”
“The booklet didn’t say anything about them being dead to the world. Are they dead to the world?”
“I don’t know how I never heard of these ponies before.” Paul’s boss ignored his question, the one question Paul cared about. “How have we never heard of this place called Equestria? It sounds interesting.”
“It’s just another terrible place. Look, I’m going back to work.” Paul turned to leave, but his boss called him before he could escape.
“There is one other thing I forgot to mention, Paul.” Paul turned around, hoping his boss was going to clear up the mystery of whether or not the ponies had aspirations. “The company tells me the ponies don’t have any experiences with humans at all, so they wanted to make sure the temps could feel comfortable around you.”
“I’m a ghost. I’m the last person to make them feel comfortable.”
“Yes, I explained your being dead to them, so they came up with something to help you relate to the ponies.”
“I don’t want to relate to them,” Paul explained. “I don’t even want to train them.”
“Just hold still.” Paul’s boss removed a large bucket from under his desk and promptly doused Paul and his sheet with its contents. Paul dripped on the floor while his boss watched him intently. It didn’t take long before a horse’s back half emerged from under Paul’s now dripping sheet. Paul turned his head and very calmly looked over at the new development.
“Did you turn me into a horse?”
“I turned you into a pony.”
“Why is there a picture of a half-empty glass on my butt?”
“You’re a pony and that’s your first question?”
“Reminds me of when I died, just less painful and wetter. Look, I gotta get back to work, so are we done here?”
“Don’t you want to know why there’s a picture of a half-empty glass on your butt?” Paul’s boss asked. Paul didn’t respond; he simply awaited his boss’s explanation. “Ponies in Equestria get a special mark that indicates their special talent or passion.” Paul glanced back at his flank.
“Sure. I’m going back to work now.” Paul turned and trotted out of his boss’s office. As he shut the door behind himself, the phone on his boss’s desk rang. Paul’s boss answered once he read the caller ID.
“Hello again… yes… perfect. Our training staff is ready to receive, so you can send them as soon as they’re ready.”
Paul Trains Applejack
“So… you’re Applejack?” Paul asked the orange mare, not looking up from his clipboard.
“Yessir. I didn’t know anypony else worked ‘ere already.” Paul looked up from his clipboard.
“What?”
“I said I didn’t know any other ponies worked at this ‘ere place. If’n y’all don’t mind me askin’, what is it exactly y’all do here?” Applejack questioned. Paul didn’t respond. He looked back down at his clipboard and jotted down a few things. He’d gotten used to having hooves pretty quickly. He didn’t know how they worked, but he didn’t question it.
“I’m Paul.” Paul continued to write.
“Well, it’s ni-“
“Just so you know, I’m dead.” After he finished scrawling, he answered Applejack’s first query before she could ask questions about something else that was now plaguing her. “This is a call center. We receive call overflow from Indian companies.”
“Uh… okay. So, how do we do that?” Back in Equestria there were no phones. Paul had been informed earlier that ponies had never seen a phone, let alone answered one, so they were going to need a lot of help. Paul retorted, saying knowledge of how phones worked wasn’t necessary for the job.
“You see that there?” Paul indicated the phone on the desk before Applejack. “When it rings, the name of a company will appear right here. You press this button and pretend you work at that company.” Paul pointed to the speakerphone button. He decided he wasn’t going to hassle explaining how to use the receiver.
“Why?”
“Because they need help.”
“But if I don’t actually work fer that company, I cain’t actually help ‘em,” Applejack pointed out.
“I see that you’re in need of a demonstration.” Paul set down his clipboard on Applejack’s desk. She glanced down at it momentarily to see what he’d been writing, but all she saw was a drawing of a human being trampled by ponies. “We just need to wait for the phone to ring.”
“When does that ‘appen?”
“It’ll happen. There is a way to help it along.”
“What’s that?”
“Tell me why you applied for this position.”
“Well, back on the fa-“
*ringringring*
Applejack jumped a bit when the phone emitted a noise.
“Stay quiet.” Paul pushed down the speakerphone button. “Trumpet Plumbing, this is Tyler speaking.”
“Hello? I called about an emergency earlier. You said someone would be here in an hour, but no one has showed up yet. The basement is completely submerged and we are getting very concerned.”
“One minute sir.” Paul began loudly typing on the keyboard on Applejack’s desk. Applejack, who didn’t know what a computer was either, was becoming more and more confused. “There appears to be some traffic between our dispatch center and your position sir. Our guys should be out there momentarily.”
“Please hurry up. Dale dove down there earlier and he has not come back. Are your plumbers trained in search and rescue?”
“Trumpet Plumbing prides itself on hiring only the most skilled plumbers in the industry. Please wait for their arrival.” Paul pushed the speakerphone button once more, ending the call. “Alright, do you have any questions?” Applejack nodded.
*ringringring*
“Okay, you’re up. Remember, don’t use your real name. I’ll take over if things don’t go well.” Before Applejack could protest or ask any of her numerous questions, Paul pushed the speakerphone button.
“Uh… Perfect Tragedies Funeral Parlor?! Uh, ah mean- this is Apple… Fritter speakin’?” The line was completely silent for a few seconds.
“Your name is Apple Fritter?”
“… Yessir.”
“Uh… anyway, I was wondering what the biggest size of coffin your carry is.”
“Biggest… coffin?”
“Yes, I have to bury my claustrophobic father and I don’t want him to be cramped.”
“Ah don’t think… the dead git… cramped, sir.”
“My father isn’t dead.” Applejack looked over at Paul, pleading for an out. Paul sighed and took control of the situation.
“Sir, I would recommend finding a piano box for your living father. Perfect Tragedies won't insure that nothing will befall your father while he is using one of our coffins. In the event he does suffer a fatal accident in the near future, please feel free to call us again.” Paul hung up, ending the call. Applejack heaved a sigh of relief.
“Thanks. Ah learned a while back that sometimes ya cain’t do things on yer own, ya gotta-“
*ringringring*
“Let’s try again. This time use a real name,” Paul instructed Applejack, pushing the speakerphone button before she could say anything. Applejack quickly read the caller ID.
“Larimer County Pest Control, this is… Jackie.”
“Hi, I was wondering… are koalas considered pest animals?” Applejack blinked. “Because there are a whole lot of koalas in my home.”
“Are they… pesterin’ you?”
“… Well… no.”
“Then ah cain’t help you.” Applejack quickly hung up.
“Excellent. You’ll get the hang of it eventually.” Applejack couldn’t help but feel a little strange about lying, but she was proud she’d handled a call all on her own. “Don’t be so hasty to hang up though. We charge callers based on how long they’re on the line.”
“Alright then…”
“If you have no other questions, that’s all I need to show you.” Paul hoped there were no more questions, not that he was going to answer if she did have any.
“Just one: about you bein’ dea-“
*ringringring*
“Good luck Apple…whatever,” Paul concluded the training, leaving Applejack to stare at the ringing phone.
Paul Trains Rainbow Dash
"You must be Rainbow Dash," Paul greeted the multicolored pony.
"And you must be Paul," Rainbow Dash returned the greeting. "Applejack told me about you. Is it true that you're dead?"
"Positively dead. Do I need to explain the call center to you?" Paul asked, his patience already worn out from talking to the pegasus.
"We get calls and we answer and blah, blah, blah. Let's just get this over with, I've got to practice."
"Fine by me. You'll take the first call. Just remember to read the caller ID and don't use your real name," Paul ordered. Rainbow Dash reclined in her chair and stared at the phone. "Don't stare at it. Try and think about something else."
"Like what?"
"What do you have to practice for?" Paul asked. Rainbow Dash smiled broadly as she shot into the air above her chair.
"To be a-"
*ringringring*
Paul hit the speakerphone button while Rainbow Dash landed, grunting in disappointment.
"Superior Roofing, this is April speaking," she shouted at the phone.
"Hi, uh... there is a gaping hole in my roof."
"Interesting, do you want us to fix it or something?"
"Well, it's raining and all my stuff is getting wet, so I would appreciate it if someone could get out here right away," the caller told her. Paul watched as Rainbow Dash's face scrunched up in confusion.
"Is that all? Can't you just get somepony to move the clouds away?"
"I... I beg your pardon?" the caller stuttered.
"Just tell me where you are and I'll take care of it personally," Rainbow assured the caller, reclining in her chair.
"Okay... I'm in Manhattan..."
"Manehattan?"
"Manhattan."
"Manehattan." Paul reached over and took the receiver, turning off the speakerphone.
"I apologize sir, she doesn't work here. It's bring your kid to work day and Jim can't control his daughter. Yes... Uh-uh... I understand, but you'd have to talk to Jim for that and he is busy right now. Thank you for choosing Superior Roofing." Paul hung up the receiver and turned on Rainbow Dash. "What in the world was that?"
"What? The pony lives in Manehattan and he can't even say the name right. If he's worried about rain coming in through his roof, he should just have a pegasus fly up and put a hole in the clouds." Paul could not process what was being explained to him.
"Look, this isn't magical-pony land anymore. These are humans calling, humans like Gary here." Paul pointed at Gary who had stood and watched the entire ordeal.
"Hey Paul... I know I should be worki-"
"I don't care. Help me out here Gary. Show this horse how a human answers the phone." Paul slid the phone over to the far side of the desk away from Rainbow Dash as Gary walked over. Both Gary and Rainbow Dash observed each other closely.
"Hi, I'm Gary."
"Rainbow Dash."
"... What?"
"That's my name," Rainbow Dash explained.
"Oh, well it's nice to me-"
*ringringring*
Paul hit the speakerphone, grateful for the phone for ending Gary and Rainbow Dash's conversation before it got off the ground.
"Walla Walla Wholesale Lumber, this is Franklin."
"Good evening Mr. Franklin. I was just calling because I wanted to know if my warranty covers extensive fire damage."
"Very good sir, how extensive is the damage?"
"Well... it's not damaged... yet."
"Walla Walla Wholesale Lumber cannot guarantee reimbursement in any form from any of our products being destroyed in a fire."
"What if the fire caused loss of life?"
"Not even for loss of life."
"Well... that puts a dent in my plans. Thank you anyway."
"Thank you sir, have a nice night." Gary ended the call. He looked over at Paul for some sort of acknowledgement, but was suddenly distracted by the horse half he could now see coming out of Paul's sheet. "Paul... why are you a horse?"
"Rainbow Dash, you've got the next call."
"Seriously, why a-"
*ringringring*
Paul reached for the speakerphone, but Rainbow Dash beat him to it. She smirked at him, confident she would nail it this time.
"Claro Puerto Rico, this is Nancy speaking."
"Hi, it's me again. Just calling again to say that if you don't get my Internet up and running soon, I will make good on that promise to hose down the local headquarters with rotten, melted provolone."
"W... what?"
"You don't think I'm serious, but I am dead serious ma'am! I've got eighty gallons of rotten, melted provolone ready to be express delivered if I can't get online by tomorrow morning. Are we savvy?"
"Nonononono! We are not savvy! You can't do that!" Rainbow panicked.
"I've got nothin' else to do ma'am! I've got no internet, but I do have a firetruck and eighty gallons of cheese," the caller threatened.
"You're being unreasonable!"
"Waiting two weeks for Internet when you said it would take two days in unreasonable! Get me what I want and we can give this a happy ending, alright?"
"No, wait!" The caller hung up before Rainbow Dash could say anything else. She listened to the tone for a few seconds before Paul hung up for her. "That's not good! What do I do?"
"I don't have time for this," Paul groaned, turning to Gary. "Since you're so free, you see to it she figures out what to do. I have other temps to train." Paul sauntered off before Gary could protest or ask him one more time why he was a pony. Gary and Rainbow Dash turned to one another, exchanging awkward looks.
*ringringring*
Paul Trains Twilight Sparkle
Paul Trains Twilight Sparkle
"... Twilight Sparkle?" Paul asked with a bit more reluctance than usual. The violet unicorn beamed brightly, fully prepared to conquer her newest assignment. "What is up with all your names?"
"There's nothing wrong with my name," Twilight claimed.
"Why can't you ponies have normal names like... Carl or Hasheem?"
"I've never heard those names before. What do they even mean?" Twilight asked.
"They don't mean anything, they are just names," Paul explained. "Take my name for instance, Paul Cho. Nice and normal."
"But it doesn't make any-"
"No, we aren't having this argument. Do you know how to use a phone?" Paul interrupted.
"Yes, Pri-"
"Perfect, you'll take the first call." Paul pushed the phone so it was directly in front of Twilight. She responded by turning her head up towards the ceiling. "What are you doing?"
"Rainbow Dash said you can't stare at it or it won't ring."
"You take advice from Rainbow Dash? ... Heh."
*ringringring*
Twilight used her magic to pick up the receiver, but before she could answer Paul smacked the phone off the desk with his clipboard.
"What did you do that for?"
"The phone was floating. I don't know if anyone told you, but that kind of stuff doesn't usually happen."
"I was just using my magic to pick up the phone! Haven't you ever seen a unicorn use magic before?" Paul stared at her blankly from under his sheet.
"Lady, up until a few days ago I didn't even know there was a country of talking horses. Now you're telling me the horned ones can use magic?" Twilight nodded, using her magic to put the phone neatly back on the desk.
*ringringring*
Twilight tentatively brought the receiver up with her magic as Paul looked on.
"Hello, Maryla-" Twilight managed to get out one and a half words just before Gary smacked the phone off the desk again.
"What was that?" Gary asked, visibly freaked out. "I would say it was a ghost, but... you know. I don't think it was."
"It wasn't a ghost! There are no such things as ghosts!" Twilight shouted at Gary.
"I'm a ghost," Paul pointed out.
"You're not a ghost! You just have a sheet over your head!" Twilight turned back to Gary. "I'm a unicorn which means I can use magic. Don't panic when you see me levitating the phone, okay?" Gary nodded. He didn't want to anger a creature that could use magic. Twilight grunted as she levitated the phone back onto the desk with a loud thunk.
*ringringring*
"Purecast Telecommunications, this is-" Paul's boss swiped the receiver from Twilight. He smacked it several times against the edge of the desk until it snapped in half. He tossed the top half of the receiver across the room before turning to Paul and panicking.
"Paul, you're the expert on really weird stuff, right? What was that?"
"Unicorn magic!" Twilight screamed. "That's it! The Princess told me to call her if I was having trouble, and this... is... trouble!" Twilight used her magic to enter the number then hit the speakerphone button since the receiver was now useless.
"They have a Princess?" Paul questioned.
"Their Princess has a phone?" Gary added. Paul's boss confirmed both questions by nodding. After two and half rings, someone picked up.
"Canterlot Castle, Ruth speaking."
"Ruth? ... Rainbow Dash, is that you?"
"... No... this is Ruth," the voice on the other side persisted.
"Rainbow Dash, hang up," Paul advised. Twilight got up out of her chair, pushed past Gary and Paul, and then started for the exit.
"If you'll all excuse me, I have a very angry letter to write." With that, Twilight stormed out, slamming the door behind her with magic.
Paul Trains Pinkie Pie?
"Hehehehehe-*snort*-hehehahaha-ahhaha!"
"... Nevermind." Paul dedided he isn't getting paid enough to put up with the giddy pony and heads back to his office. Once Paul was gone, Pinkie ceased her fit of giggling and began to spin around and around in her chair. Just before she was dizzy enough to blow chunks, Applejack came around and noticed the pony was not answering the phone ringing on her desk.
*ringringring*
"Pinkie, don't y'all need to answer that?"
"Answer what?" Pinkie slammed her hooves on the ground and stopped. She beamed innocently at Applejack.
"The phone, Pinkie. Haven't ya been trained yet?"
*ringringring*
Pinkie stared at the contraption on her desk. The flashing light next to the speakerphone button was just all too enticing to a pony with the mind of a foal. Pinkie reached out a hoof and gingerly pushed the button down. The sound of labored breathing could be heard. Applejack waited for Pinkie to say or do something else, but she just kept staring at the phone as the breathing became more agitated.
"... He-.... hello?" A grin of extreme euphoria exploded onto Pinkie's face.
"Hi there! I'm Pinkie Pie! Who and what are you? I just pressed this button and then I heard your breathing, but I didn't know what was going on, but then you spoke! You spoke and I was so surprised because you don't have a mouth, but then again there are so many strange things in this place. You see, I'm new around here, but that's okay because I like meeting people and making new friends, but I'm new and there are just soooo many things I've never seen before. Like these hairless apes and these big, metal wagons called buses I had to ride! I asked the ape who was in control of it who was pulling, but she said I had to return to my seat. I kept asking though because I really wanted to know, so she made the bus stop and then kicked me off. It was rather rude, but luckily I met a much hairier ape living in this smelly box that said he knew how to get where I was going. He had this cute puppy too, just the cutest puppy! Anyway, this ape, his name was Thomas, takes me down these dark alleys and through these tunnels called sewers until we finally arrived here! He said he couldn't come in with me because spending too much time above ground would allow the aliens to find him, so I came in by myself and a nice lady told me to sit down over here. Then a ghost showed up, so I just did what my granny told me and giggled and he went away! It always worked. Then I was spinning and Applejack said I had to answer something and then I pressed a button and now I'm talking to you!"
The other end of the line was completely silent. Applejack meandered over and took a look at the caller ID.
"911 Emergency," she read aloud. She looked up at Pinkie, who was still grinning ear to ear. "Ah... don't think yer cut out for this job..."
Paul Trains Rarity
"What a strange way to dress," Rarity noted as she looked Paul up and down. "Is dressing like a ghost some sort of fashion statement for ponies around here?"
"No, I am a ghost," Paul enlightened her. Rarity deadpanned her eyes at him.
"Cantering about with a sheet over your body and pretending to be a ghost is hardly becoming of somepony in charge," the unicorn scolded him.
"I don't feel like defending myself. Let's just get to training, shall we?" Paul slid the phone closer to Rarity. "Do you know how to use a phone."
"Of course, darling. I read that pamphlet the company gave me on phones."
"Good. We'll get right to answering calls. Just remember to read the caller I.D. and don't use your real name," Paul instructed her. Rarity nodded and began staring at the phone.
"When will it ring?" she asked.
"It'll ring. Are there any big questions you've been pondering?"
"I'm still wondering about that sheet on your head. Do you seriousl-"
*ringringring*
Rarity raised the receiver to her ear with her magic. This time, no one freaked out.
"Martin and Martin Refrigeration, Yvonne speaking... yes... a refrigerator large enough to fit two entire cows? Do you mean two cows standing up? ... Uh... you mean, like... dead... cows? ... Well, yes, I suppose two live cows would be uncomfortable in a freezer, but that's not the point. Why do you need a place to store dead cows? ... Oh... oh my goodness... that's... that's absolutely horrid! ... Am I a what? A vegetarian? Yes, yes I am a vegetarian and everyone I know is a vegetarian... well you had better be sorry! You sir must really reconsider some things in your life! Good day to you!" Rarity hung up the phone with a huff. She shivered a bit and looked over at Paul apologetically. "I'm sorry, but he was just talking about eating cows! I was so horrified... I just... I just..."
"That was perfect," Paul interjected, stopping her apology before it could ramp up.
"... It was?" Rarity asked. Paul just nodded.
*ringringring*
"Let's do this one on speakerphone so I can hear what they're saying." Paul reached over at hit the speakerphone before Rarity could object.
"Bob's Slaughterhouse? ... This is Denise," Rarity reluctantly answered.
"Hey, I read online that you guys help get the meat off of any animal I bring in, right?" the caller asked right off the bat.
"Uh... yes, that is what we do here... at Bob's Slaughterhouse." Rarity shot a nervous glance at Paul.
"Cool... so... could I bring in my cat? I read online they make good meatballs."
"You want to... eat your cat?" Rarity asked, keeping her tone just as even as she could.
"Yeah. I know it's illegal to buy and sell cat meat, but it isn't illegal to eat it," the caller confirmed. Rarity couldn't formulate a response. "I read it online."
"You should stop reading this online thing; it's giving you strange ideas."
"Well I don't have the money to feed myself or the cat, so I'm hoping it'll hold me over until I can get some cash."
"Well then, if you can't afford food you can't afford our services anyway. Thank you for calling." Rarity hung up the phone with another huff. "Humans are such strange things..."
"You've got me there," Paul agreed. "Well, you seem to be all set." Rarity turned and gave Paul a look of disbelief.
"Are you sure? I didn't quite feel like I handled those very well."
"There is no way to handle them well. You managed, though, so I'm gonna leave you to it." Paul wandered off to is office, leaving a beaming Rarity behind.
*ringringring*
Rarity confidently levitated the receiver to her ear.
"Parker Technology, this is Aurora speaking... why yes, that does sound like a problem! Could you please tell me how many bears are in this 'server room'..."
Gary Wants Something
*knock knock*
"Hey Gary, come on in." Paul's boss motioned for Gary to enter into his office. Gary hurried over and slammed his hands down on Paul's boss's desk.
"Turn me into a pony."
"... What?" Paul's boss just stared up at Gary. He looked dead serious.
"You turned Paul into one somehow, so I want you to do the same to me," Gary pleaded.
"Why do you want to be a pony?" Paul's boss asked the looming question. Gary backed off from the desk and took a deep breath.
"I've gotten pretty close to the ponies in the short time they've been here. I mean, they're friendly, and nice, and optimistic, and pleasant, and they don't make me feel hopeless."
"So where does wanting to be a pony fit in with all that?" Paul's boss inquired.
"In the first time for a long time, I really think I've made friends! I wanted to go do stuff friends do together with them, but then I found out humans can't go to Equestria; however, if I was a pony, I could go. So I want you to make me a pony!"
"Hey." Paul's boss and Gary turned to see Paul standing in the doorway. There was something different about him.
"Paul? Why aren't you a pony?" Gary questioned, sprinting right up to Paul. Paul leaned back and moved around Gary to get into the office, completely ignoring Gary's question. "Paul? Paul!"
"Quiet," Paul commanded Gary without looking back at him. He shuffled up to his boss's desk and addressed him. "Somebody calling herself 'Princess Celestia' showed up at my office. She gave me these questionnaires to hand out to everyone." Paul's boss inspected Paul up and down.
"What questionnaires?" he asked.
"I already handed them all out," Paul revealed. Neither Gary or Paul's boss were sure how to react.
"You just handed them out... just like that?" Gary asked. Paul nodded.
"I left one on your desk."
"What about me?" Paul's boss questioned.
"I don't have one for you."
"Well, can you tell me what it was about?" Paul reached up and scratched his head through his sheet.
"I don't feel like explaining it. I have temps to train anyway," Paul yawned.
"Alright, I'll just go ask someone else," Paul's boss sighed as he reached under his desk. He lifted up a bucket of water and set it in front of himself. "I wonder why Princess Celestia went to you and not me..."
"Don't know, don't care," Paul droned. His boss took the bucket of water and threw it onto him. Without another word, Paul turned and exited the room. As he walked out the door, a horse's rear end emerged from underneath his sheet. Gary just looked on in disbelief.
"Uh... do you have any more of that?" he asked.
"Any more of what?" Paul's boss stashed the bucket back under his desk. "You should get back to work now," he instructed Gary.
"Wait, but-"
"You heard Paul. He gave you that thing from Princess Celestia, so hurry and fill it out. Come back and tell me what it was when you're done." Paul's boss motioned for Gary to take his leave. Unable to come to terms with his frustration, Gary turned and left to do as he instructed; however, Gary would not return and reveal the contents of Princess Celestia's survey.
