My Name is Anon, and Everyone Hates Me
I Just Don't Know What Went Wrong
Lights flash in front of my eyes, then-- Blue.
Yes, that familiar sky blue. I feel the grass underneath my hands. I see the white clouds moving across the sky. I hear the leaves rustle in the trees. But... Where the fuck am I?
I turn my head and rise to my feet, scanning around at the horizon. Just off in the distance seems to be a small town of houses, and just a few feet away is a large forest of trees. I feel unease begin to trace it's yellowing nails down my spine as I try to place any of this peaceful scenery into my mind. Alas, nothing was found.
I feel my heartbeat quicken as I try to calm myself.
'It's okay, man. This is fine. I'm in a weird place, with no memory of how I got here. And no idea of how to get home.'
I stretch my body, thanking god that I don't have any sort of unspeakable injuries from whatever event destroyed my memory, yet also slightly peeved that this isn't like one of my japanese animes and distinctly lack superpowers. That I know of. Hey, I can dream, right?
Seeing little to no other options at this point, I decide to make my way down towards the only sort of sign of civilization. I want to do my best to stay completely calm and rational, so I don't unnerve whatever kind, gentle people live in this town, so I sprint as fast as I can.
Except when I get just outside of town. I freeze. I take a deep breath. I try to rationalize with myself like a normal human being. Clearly, between the running, sweating, and panic, I must be going absolutely insane or was previously drugged. So, I need to do everything in my power not to let the acid trip win by not talking to the blue unicorn wearing a fucking wizard hat. I keep on walking into town, and to my relief, she simply passes me by.
So I keep walking. And there's another horse. I keep walking, and there's two more. And then once I'm fully in town, I feel like I've stepped into a weird stable boy's wet dream. Or maybe a little girl's normal dream. There are horses with wings that can fly, horses that horns for magic, and horses that clearly got the short end of the genetic stick.
I don't know what I got drugged with, but I'm really, really ready for it to stop now.
So, trying to handle my pending crisis of sanity, I walk towards a blue horse with a blue and white mane with an hourglass on her rear-end. No shit. I mean, She's just trotting along, as happy as can be with an hourglass painted on her ass. The least I can do is try to talk with her, see if I can get some answers, and hope to god she isn't a hallucination.
"U-uhm. Excuse me!" I call out towards the mare. She turns on the spot and looks at me with wide eyes, her ears perking in interest.
"Well, hey there!" she says back cheerfully. "I haven't seen you around here before. Are you new?"
"I, uh. Sort of," I begin, scratching the back of my neck in nervousness. "I guess I'm lost. I don't really know where I am."
"Well I can fix that!" says the mare with a wide smile. "This is the little town of Ponyville! Which, means, of course, that this is Equestria! And you're from Earth, I assume?"
Oh my God. I'm actually going insane, or I am going to have the worst headache after all of this.
"I, uh, see. So, I guess Earth means something to you?" I ask.
"Well, duh. That's where most of the humans come from! Oh. Wait! Where are my manners? I think we're legally obligated to be friends now. My name is Colgate. What's yours?" she asks while holding out a little hoof.
I smile and take her hoof in my hand and give it a firm shake.
"My name is Anon."
And at that, Colgate freezes, her eyes become blank as she takes her hoof back. She studies me carefully, her eyes practically dissecting me.
"Oh," she says simply. "I see. Well, uh. Nice to meet ya. So, how did you get to, uh... here."
She looks away slightly as I shrug my shoulders.
"I just woke up outside of town by this huge forest. I don't really know any reason why or how."
"Really?" she asks flatly. "That's it? Wow, real original."
I take a step back. Woah! Who turned on bitch mode? Is this where my trip turns bad? Cause this is what happens when a trip starts to go bad.
"What? What are you talking about?"
"Really?" she asks incredulously. "You didn't find some sort of magical portal and fall out of the sky? Or you aren't in some sort of crazy coma or drank a magic bottle of bleach?"
I simply stare at the creature in front of me in shock. What the actual fuck?
"I'm sorry. That's rude of me," she says, placing a hoof over her face. "Please, tell me your backstory."
"I, uh," I say looking at the ground. "I really don't know. I mean, I just woke up. That's all I got. I'm a blank slate."
Colgate nods her head slowly, then pauses.
"You know what, I can't do this,' she says, turning away on the spot.
Wait, what?
"Wait, what?!"
"I just. I just can't take you seriously with a name like that. I mean. Come on. Anon? Of all things? I just can't relate to you. In fact, you're probably a nice person. But you're just so lazy. I know it. I can't."
"What are you talking about-"
"I can't," she says, trotting off. "I'm jumping ship. Good luck."
Soon enough, she's trotted far enough away that she blends into a crowd of other pastel ponies, and leaves me with way more questions than answers.
"What in the hell just happened," I mutter under my breath as I look around. Quickly I spot a goldenrod pony with bright orange hair. I jog up to her to try this again. Perhaps the polite option will yield better results. “Hey, miss? Sorry to bother you,"
"No bother at all!" she says happily turning to me. "What's up?"
"See, I just got here and I could use a little help. My name’s Anon and-“
The mare wrinkles her nose at me and takes a step away.
“Your name’s what?”
“…Anon?”
She takes another step, shaking her head in open disgust.
“Wow, did your parents just decide you weren’t worth naming or something?" she says, as if suddenly discovering a severed dick in her soup. "That can completely ruin a person, how lazy can you get!”
“B-but-“
“Just…just leave me alone,” she says, turning, nose held high in the air. She struts away from me without a second glance, and I’m left gaping at her, blinking at the awkward exchange. What just even happened?
I move towards one pony, and then another, but find myself stopping short before approaching any of them. I've never been self-concious about my name before. I mean, sure I was always the weird kid in school, but this is a whole new level of weird.
I finally muster up the courage to approach a white unicorn with spiky, azure blue hair. She wears sunglasses and has some headphones on, so clearly she's cool. That's the definition of cool to me. So she must be way more relaxed.
"Hey, there, uhm. You," I say, walking beside the mare who nods along to her music. With a quick flick of her head, one side of the headphones comes off one of her ears. Yet, she remains silent.
Oh yeah, the quiet, cool kid. Jackpot.
"I just got in town, and. Well I guess I'm just looking for a way to get back home. I have no idea how I got here or where to go." She continues to nod understandingly as I go on. "And I'm just getting a teensy bit worried, cause this place is getting bonkers. Do you think you could help me? My name is Anon, and-"
Then, the pony stops. I continue on for a few paces before realizing her sudden reaction. She moves the headphones down around her neck and pulls off her sunglasses revealing two deep magenta eyes that bore into me.
"Oh. Really. Anon, is it? This is how we're going to play this game?" she says, the heat palpable in her tone.
"Wait, what?"
"No. This is it. I have to say it. This is getting out of hand. The last thing I need in this town is a another lame excuse for a person. Anon isn't a name. It's not a real name. It's downright lazy. In fact, it's pathetic. Do you know how long it took me to come up with 'DJ Pon3' while I'm onstage? WEEKS. And I didn't even take the three until it was suggested! And you think you can come in with some namby-pamby excuse for a name and be considered respectable?!"
"I-- wait. My name?" I ask. "What's wrong with my na-"
"No! You know what? No. No thanks. You aren't Anon. I need to help contribute to end this menace in my town. Your name isn't Anon anymore. You're going to be respectable if it's the last thing I do."
"You know what?!" I say, throwing my hands into the air. "That's it. I've had enough of this. I'm fine with my name! I've had it my whole life. It's just me. It's my style."
"YOU JUST CAN'T TAKE CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM, CAN YOU?" the unicorn screams at the top of her lungs, before throwing her headphones on and storming off. In fact, I swear I can feel tiny earthquakes as she storms away. Earthquakes? Equestriaquakes? Whatever.
"Well, fuck you too, horse!" I scream back. I take a step away and attempt to collect myself. Of course. Of course you're in a magical world where, for some reason, every single pony in it hates your name.
But, then my eye catches a hobbling horse off in the distance. Wait, I know that hobble! I know it well! That's the affects of alcohol! And alcohol makes people love everything and everyone! This is it! This is my chance! Alcohol will solve my problem!
I run over to the drunk horse, and realize I don't have a good way to greet her.
"Hey! Drunk horse!"
"Eeeeyo!" yells the purple mare, holding an open bottle of wine in the air. Well, shit. That worked better than expected.
"Drunk horse, I need your help."
"I can beeee of service," says the mare, sitting on the ground, wobbling back and forth. "Honey. Get it. Bee. Honey?"
Trying to focus the mare away from her own giggling, I snap in front of her face to get her attention.
"No, listen. Focus. Sober time."
"Sober-time," she says happily.
"Real talk."
"Reeeal talk."
"My name is Anon."
"Your name is Anern."
I pause, staring at her angrily as she beams.
"Youu’re saying it wrrong," she says happily.
"No. I know how to say my own name. It's Anon."
"Aynon."
"Anon."
"Uh-non."
"A-Non."
"A-nin."
I growl under my breath at the drunk horse in front of me. On second thought, maybe consulting a drunk pony wasn't a good idea.
"You know what?!" she exclaims proudly for all of the world to hear. "I'm gonna change your name to somethin’ I like better! I'm gonna name you Gary! Gary Stu."
"This is pointless" I murmur as I walk away from her. "There's gotta be one of these ponies in town that will help me."
I walk up towards a creme colored unicorn with vivid scarlet hair, but she simply looks at me, then trots away. Then I call after a pink earth pony with a long yellow mane, but it's like she doesn't even hear my tone. I run towards a tiny little pegasus, but they act as if I didn't even exist. I even said I had free candy! What the hell?! Now the sun is falling down over the horizon and ponies are retreating into their homes. Time is running out.
Why do none of these ponies see me?! None of these ponies even want to talk to me! What the hell is going on?! How the hell do I get home?!
"Won't SOMEBODY JUST PLEASE HELP ME?!"
A smiling white earth pony who has her long pink mane tied in a bun, with a red cross with hearts on her butt, trots up to me quickly.
"Of course! I'd love to help you. I'm a nurse. I just need to know your name," she says. "Mister..."
I turn to look deep into her brilliant ice-blue eyes. I pause, take a deep breath, then weakly say: "Anon."
The mare tenses up quickly and leaps a foot backward.
"DOWNVOTE!" she screams at the top of her lungs and sprints away.
"WILL SOME FUCKING HORSE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?"
"What's all the commotion?" asks a grey horse who steps out of her home wearing a long pink knighty. "I'm the mayor here. What's the problem?"
"Finally! A pony with some sense! Listen. My name is Anon, and I just arrived here. I get it, my name is shit, but I just want to go home."
"Oooohh!" she says happily. "I see what the problem is. Not to worry, we'll fix this right away."
The mare steps inside and pulls out a megaphone.
"WHY HASN'T THIS HOOLIGAN GOTTEN RAN OUT OF TOWN YET?!" she booms to the town.
"We were on break!" says a crackly old voice behind me.
As I turn around, I find a whole crowd of ponies, each holding torches and pitchforks and frying pans and other things that being hit with might make this a mature story. My jaw simply drops. Oh my god. They're going to kill me. These fucking ponies are going to kill me. This is officially a bad trip.
"Yer kind ain't welcome here, sonny," shouts an old, lime-green mare wearing a helmet.
"What the hell do you guys have against humans, huh?!" I scream out. "We're people too! We're deep and full of personality and love!"
A seafoam green unicorn with a silvery-green mane and goldenrod eyes steps out of the crowd.
"So, to clarify. Humans are totally okay! We just have a specific problem with you."
"Oh," I say. "Well, uh. Now what."
Mayor Mare trots down the stairs of her home and stops beside me, clearing her throat.
"This is the part where you run away, and never come back."
"Oh, okay. Thanks."
"Oh, no problem," the mayor says before turning to the crowd. "NOW KILL HIM!"
And so I run. I sprint until my feet are numb. And I keep running when I taste copper in my spit. I duck and weave in between houses. I swerve past tackling ponies and I think I kicked a fucking dragon too. Then, finally I enter deep into the forest where I first arrived. The ponies stop, just outside of it, their faces illuminated by their torches.
I hid behind a tree, watching them all from afar. How could this happen? What have I ever done to them? It's not like I took a massive shit in their oatmeal. Though, the idea now seems somewhat appealing.
"Don't worry," says a deep male voice from behind me. "They don't come into the forest."
"Really?" I ask. "That's a relief. They were going to kill me."
"Yeah, same thing happened to me when I arrived. I've been out here alone for years. You're welcome to come stay with me, if you want. It would be nice to finally have a friend."
I turn away from the ponies and look deeper into the dark forest.
"Sure, why not. My name's Anon, what's your name?"
Then, a red hoof comes into the light, then a black hoof. Then the rest of his body comes into the moonlight, his fur a deep swirl of black and red. His eyes are the color of blood while his hair is a deep jet. He has two strong red wings by his side and a long unicorn horn on his head. He bows low before me before rising to all fours.
"The name's Self. Self Insert."
