Anon Vs. Justice, a Not-So-Epic Showdown Told Mercifully Quick

by Justice3442

Rating: teen
Tags: Anthro, Anon, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Second Person, Comedy, Self Insert, Random
Length: 1775

I will not apologize for art.

I will not apologize for art.

Published 2017-01-11 07:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-01-11 07:10:01 UTC

Unnecessarily Short Second Chapter

Chapter 2

Thankfully your keen honey badger sense courtesy of your new nose and even ears! steers you to a beehive in 10 seconds flat. (:rainbowdetermined2:) And soon you are muzzle deep in hive and honey as hundreds of bees sting the crap out you. However, you are unconcerned with this development.

You’re a honey badger.

You don’t give a—

“No. As hypocritical as this is going to sound, no memeing. This has gone far enough!”

A strange masculine voice calls out. You turn to see who or what (dun, dun, dun!) it is.

Ultimate Showdown (of Ultimate Destiny)

Chapter 4

You gnash your teeth and prepare your claws as the bees continue to swarm around you angrily. “Oh yeah? You may have your god-like powers, but I’m a honey badger! And honey badgers don’t give a fu-IS THAT FUCKING ROCKET LAUNCHER?!”

“No, actually,” the pony says it levitates long, tube-like object with an ocean blue aura. “It fires lightsabers.”

“…Wat?”

‘PchooooVRmmmmmSKEEEEEE!’

“AAAAAAAAHHHHH! MY HONEY BADGER INTERNAL ORGANS AND ALSO SPINE!” You scream as you heroically fall to the ground.

“Yeah,” my opponent says with a clearly evil smirk, “bet you give a fuck about that!” His smirk falls slightly. “Ah man… I should have thrown in a cameo…” He turns towards a large crystal castle off in the distance that you saw when you got here but neglected to think about when you arrived. “Hey Twilight? Spike? Either of you want to get in on this?”

“NO!” a female’s voice calls out. “STOP PUTTING US INTO STORIES JUST SO YOU CAN HAVE A STRAIGHT PONY TO TORMENT WITH YOUR WEIRDNESS!”

“NEVER!” the pony shouts back.

“Dude!” a young male adds. “I think I have stress ulcers and I’m a dragon!”

“Fine! I guess it’s Applejack, the—”

A female voice with a southern accent interrupts, “Ah’ve got like five restraining orders against you!”

“ONLY UNTIL I WRITE OTHERWISE!” the pony shouts back. He looks around some more. “Huh… Well, maybe now that Button Mash has his own tag, I can write him into one more—”

This time, an angry female voice interrupts, “Don’t talk to me or my son ever again!”

“THAT WILL CERTAINLY NOT HAPPEN!” the blue pony fires back angrily. He turns to you and groans. “Fine! I guess we’ll do this without—”

“Well done handsome and strong hero,” a melodic voice like the sound of a billion angels all singing in a perfect angelic choir says.

“Wait, what?” the evil pony exclaims.

You turn on your back, which has a hole clean through it, and stare into the blinding light above.

The Most Beautiful Creature to Ever Sear Your Eyeballs

The Most Beautiful Creature to Ever Sear Your Eyeballs

Chapter 5

The creature above is unlike anything you’ve seen before. Anything you’ve dreamed before. It is more radiant and beautiful than you could possibly imagine. You’d don’t even think your thoughts describing what she looks like would do this being of ephemeral beauty justice so you just think really hard about the hyperlink you want to post and also a picture of her.

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It is so beautiful you can’t help but suffer a severe seizure that has your entire body thrashing despite its severed spine.

The blue pony looks up in surprise and the most eye-twitchiest awe you’ve ever seen. “Princess Changeling Rainbow Magic Pants?!” he cries.

“Yes, Justice,” Princess Changeling Rainbow Magic Pants says in her soothing and alluring voice. “You have fought well.”

“… No?” ‘Justice’ answers quizzically, but also villianically. "I mean… I just wrote in that I had an extremely OP weapon and claimed victory.”

“Nevertheless, your prize awaits,” Magic Changeling Rai—

“For goddsake, sir-and-or-madam, just think of her as ‘Magic Pants’!”

Magic Pants says in her delightfully musical—

‘BAM!’

“OW!” you exclaim from the fresh kick to your head.

“Alright, stop thinking, I need to find out why Magic Pants is here.”

“I am your prize, Justice!” Magic Pants announces… gracefully.

“Stop it,” Justice growls out as he looks down at you. He looks back up at Magic Pant’s radiant splen--

‘PAFT’

“OUCH!”

He looks back up at Magic Pants. “… Wat? I thought the prize was Sunset Shimmer.”

“No, for you said that ‘winner take all’, and I am quite literally ‘all’ conveniently in the form of a single being, near perfect except for my one tragic flaw.”

“Not going to ask…” Justice replies.

“For you see, I care too much!”

Justice takes a deep breath then lets it out.

“Now! We must away to my magic land of stars and magic and also World of Warcraft crossovers!” Magic Pants says.

“… Yeah…” Justice replies. “I’m going to take a hard ‘no’ on tha—”

With a delightfully majestic and magical sneeze, Magic Pants lets loose a spray of what could only be the most powerful and mystic phlegm in all of creation. This phlegm immediately tears open a hole in space-time that begins to draw in both Magic Pants and Justice.

“AWAY!” Magic Pants cries majestically.

“Oh God, why did I write the ending like this?!” Justice cries far less majestically as he feebly digs his hooves into the ground before he is taken into Magic Pants whimsical and mysterious hole.

With Magic Pants gone, you stop your joyous seizure of joyousness. You try to ponder the last few minutes but find you are still quite unable to give any fucks. Still, you can’t help but wonder what the future will bri—

“Twilight?!” a feminine voice calls out. “I checked out that weird portal that surprisingly neither you nor I am responsible for and I found this weird creature that also surprisingly neither you nor I am responsible for.”

A purple pony face with a horn protruding from its forehead pops up over you. This pony has a purple mane with a single, light blue stripe in it and she’s staring down at you as if wondering what to do with you.

If you could give any fucks, you would hope that she decides ‘nurse you back to health and also cuddles’.

“Just get rid of it!” the voice you recognize as ‘Twilight’s’ calls out.

“Okay!” the purple pony says.

The last thing you see is the back of a shovel coming directly for your face.

The End

Intro

Chapter 1

Feeling long blades of grass where once there was there was only the cold hard linoleum floor of a hotel bathroom, you quickly come to your senses. The air feels nice and warm against your… fur?! Hair?!

Well this is new, you think to yourself as you clamber to your two feet… Er… paws?

You quickly recount the last few moments before you were here… You were warned against eating that urinal cake, but man… It had cake in its name! How were you supposed to know it would have transferred you to some sort of strange, pastel world with the costume you were wearing somehow fusing you and granting all the implied abilities of said costume.

Yes, you are quite certain that’s what happened. 100% Unfortunately for you, you were not attending a comic book or anime convention or anything like that…

You were attending a furry convention.

Still, your new honey badger self should be quite adept at being bitten by snakes, even if you’ve scarified your ability to give fucks to any sort of reasonable degree.

You rub your arm to move some of the brown fur out of the way and see that your skin is green. Good. At least some aspects of this strange world, of which you know nothing about, are still consistent. You have no idea what you’d do if you found out your skin was white, black, brown, or any color similar to that.

That’d just be weird.

But you can’t sit here staring at your skin all day. Now that you’re a honey badger it’s time start doing what you’ve always dreamed of doing, eating honey directly from a beehive as hundreds of bees swarm and sting you.

You set out to do just that.

NANI?!?!???!!!

Chapter 3

You turn to see who called out to you. Some sort of quadruped… blue with a black mane and tail and also facial hair, pointed horn on its forehead, and also wings. It appears to be some sort of… small horse of some—

“Oh my God, just say pony!”

You gasp. “You can talk?!”

“I spoke to you like two seconds ago, nimrod!” the blue ‘pony’ says irately.

“Oh… right… You can read my mind?!” You are in shock. What is this strange creature? Had it brought you here? Will you ever see home again?

“Please stop asking questions!”

“I only asked one!”

“Then you thought of three more.”

“So you can read my mind!” you accuse.

“Well, sort of… More I’m completely omniscient and omnipotent in this world.”

“So you’re… God?”

“Uh… Kind of? I mean… That’s a little tricky to define given that this world already existed and I’m basically just adding to it.”

“Yeah, I don’t actually care,” you quip, your good ol’ honey badger instincts kicking in.

The pony’s face twitches in irritation. “Then why even ask?!”

“So, what is this world?”

“What?! Don’t pretend you don’t know!”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“You wouldn’t be here unless you knew about Equestria?”

“E-QUEST-ria? Never heard of—”

“Stop lying… Pretending about not knowing about My Little Pony is not going to make you cool, especially with you looking like that. Come on, spill it. Who’s your favorite pony?”

“… Sunset Shimmer…” you mutter.

“Huh, me too… Wait a minute… Are you hoping to come here, have some sort of weird, convoluted adventure, and eventually win her heart?!”

“Well… I am now.”

“Well, you can’t have her! She’s mine… Also, the Dazzlings while I’m at it.”

You roll your eyes. “Why not just claim all the mane six while you’re at it?”

The other pony shakes his head. “No way. At the very least Dan would kill me if I claimed Pinkie Pie as my own.”

“Who the fuck is Dan?!”

The pony narrows his eyes with clear, killing intent. “That’s it. I’m doing everypony a favor and murdering the heck out of you.”

“So it’s a fight you want?!”

“I just… I literally just said I was going to murder you…”

“FINE! Winner becomes the new ruler of this strange horse land.”

“I don’t see how you could possibly manage that with just the powers of a honey badger—”

“I’M COVERED IN FUCKING BEES!”

The pony rolls his eyes. “Right, sure… whatever… Winner take all.”