My Little Pony: Diplomacy is Dumbby Lil PenpusherChapters'Diplomacy'The Butt-toucherA Pathetic displayNice Weather'Diplomacy'"Thank you all for attending to this very important first meeting of ours. I am grateful to have you all here today and I am proud to be the host of this meeting." Said Celestia with pride, commencing her opening speech. As was usual with her speeches, minutes passed by without any signs of her stopping. If there was one thing Celestia was known for, it would have to be her being a gigantic chatterbox. Usually people found it quite funny. Only problem was that this time the great leaders of the world were in the same room as her and they couldn't just use the remote to switch channels when getting bored. Minute after minute the room became more and more quiet. The audience had become quite...inventive over the course of her speech. There was Starlight who had 2 rubbers sticking out of her ears, helping her suppress Celestia's increasingly annoying voice. She was not the only one who had become quite annoyed by the ruler of Equestria though. Where Queen Chrysalis herself sat before was now a tiny rock. At least she didn't have to hear Celestia that way. Not all of the audience was that 'extreme' though, seeing how Sombra was smashing his head on the desk repeatedly. ...In hindsight, people probably were quite sick of Celestia. However, against many popular expectations, Celestia's speech had eventually, finally, found an end. As her mouth closed, her eyes travelled across the room, seeing many of the sleepy, tired and ~~murderous~~ angry faces in the room. A 'normal' pony would most likely have been slightly scared or concerned because of those reactions to her speech, Celestia was no normal pony however and she kept a cool head as she usually did. A short, rather sarcastic, applause sounded through the room before Celestia, once more, opened her ~~cursed~~ mouth. No doubt, it seemed like Sombra was about to stab himself with a crystal (which he had stolen from Cadance in the foyer) as she started once more. In an interview after the session he would say the following about the situation: "Why I was trying to stab myself? Well guess why, you nutjobs! I would love to see you stuck in a room with that thing for only 2 minutes." Sombra was taken to the local Police Department the same evening after a security guard detected the stolen crystal he had hidden beneath his tongue. "So, let us beginn, no? I am open for proposals from anyone." She said into the room. It was like someone had suddenly switched the power back on as the different leaders in the room quickly began...um...let's call it 'debating', no? "I demand the Crystal Empire back!" Shouted Sombra, slamming his stolen crystal into his desk with enough force to have it stuck in it. "Equality!" Shouted Starlight from the other side of the room. "Eternal Night!" Luna yelled from yet another corner of the room. "Booooriiiing!" Discord yawned across the room, "Why not spice this meeting up a little?" He asked, followed by a quick snap of his fingers. The others in the room were frightened as their pens and rubbers became spiders while their paperclips grew wings and flew around the room. All the while, Discord himself jumped onto his desk, a microphone in his claws, and coughed briefly. "What's up with people saying Changelings are the masters of disguise? I mean, come on, they are so easy to look through!" Chrysalis grumbled loudly at Discord as Starlight almost fell off her chair from laughing. Discord bowed before his audience as Celestia herself spoke up. "Discord! Contain yourself!" She said in an almost ordering tone. Discord was not amused, yet he had to obey. The only alternative to obeying Celestia was an eternal stone prison in her garden and being pooped on by pigeons for centuries. As much as he despised Celestia, he had no choice but to reverse his spell. He sighed annoyingly, followed by another snap of the finger. The countless pens and rubbers became inanimate again and the paperclips lost their wings and fell to the ground, one of them hitting Trixie on her head. She held her right hoof to where it had it her face, followed by a great and powerful grumble of hers TrixieLulamoonEnterprises™. "Now," Celestia said, trying to re-establish order in the room, "You will all get your chance to talk, so there is no need to yell or interrupt anyone." Most of the audience didn't seem very interested in what she was saying. Sombra for one was busy trying to get the crystal out of his desk, apparently it was stuck now. "So, how about we start off with..." She went over the room from left to right, looking for a person to start with. She froze temporarily before leaning over to her left towards Luna and whispering: "Who invited the Bugbear?" Luna shrugged as they both looked over to the desk of the Bugbear. The wondersome creature was currently busy sniffing at its pen and, eventually, swallowing it whole. Trixie didn't like sitting next to it. Nuff said. Celestia coughed awkwardly as she resumed to choosing somepony. "Um...how about...Cadance!" The princess in question stood at the back of the room, at the water cooler, currently busy getting some fresh water. At first she didn't realise the entire room was watching her when she poured the water into her cup and drank a sip. Only then she looked up at the others that were watching her, raising an eyebrow in confusion and asking: "What? I'm thirsty too, you know." "Do you have any proposal in mind for our session, Cadance?" Celestia asked. Starlight rose up from her chair before Cadance could answer. "This is a meeting for Villains! She has no right to vote here!" Starlight rightfully exclaimed. Cadance shrugged, still holding her cup of water in her right hoof. "Well..." She started, taking another sip, "I squashed a bug once." The room looked at her in disapproval. "Right." She said, taking a last sip out of her cup. "I, uh, think it's time for me to, uh, go." She said awkwardly, slowly stepping towards the exit next to her. The room was silent, yet the looks of the audience told her that she was better off leaving now rather than landing in hospital later on. Celestia scratched the back of her head awkwardly. "Hehe, right then." She saw the judging eyes of the audience which began making even her nervous by now. "How about Sombra then?" All eyes fell upon the grey-coated unicorn that was still busy trying to get his crystal out of the desk. Everyone watched in both awe and confusion as he pulled on it with all his might. Just when everyone started getting bored of the rather embarassing show, he succeeded and freed the crystal. "Victory is mine! Haha!" He froze, looking around the room. "Oh. Excuse me." He gulped silently as he sat back down in the most gentle and polite way possible. "Sombra...you know what I said, right?" Celestia asked with a sense of regret. "Uh, yes! Yes, of course! Haha, I would have to be a damn idiot if I didn't." He gave out awkwardly. Celestia ran a hoof to her face. "So you don't know?" Sombra bit his lips for a moment. "Not really, no." He sank into his chair in shame. Celestia sighed in annoyance. "Do you have any proposals to discuss for us?" She repeated to him. "Ooooh..." Sombra gave out, "Why of course, first of-" "You're not getting back the Crystal Empire..." Celestia interrupted. Sombra froze as he held up one of his hooves. "Bollocks!" He exclaimed. "I thought we were here to discuss important matters?" "Indeed we are, and that is most definitely not of importance." Sombra became furious. "Oh yeah, for you it isn't! You don't have to live in the bloody frozen north now, do you? You have a warm home, food and a quiet place to sleep. I have none of that!" "Wait..." Interrupted Starlight from Sombra's right. "You don't have food where you live? How are you even alive?" Sombra shrugged. "This isn't canon." Everyone in the room nodded understandingly at his statement, except for Discord. Discord promptly disappeared with a snap of the finger and reapparead next to Sombra, whispering into his left ear: "That's classified information." Sombra turned around to him with a confused look. "But everyone in here seems to know anyway." Discord covered Sombra's mouth as he said: "Yeees, but not them..." Sombra had no time to reply as Discord disappeared once again. Sombra coughed into his right hoof to regain attention. "Anyways." He began, "I said what I had to say and I demand to be treated fairly." Celestia's right eye twitched for a second before she replied: "Fairly. Yes." Celestia stared into the room with a tired look, her eyes twitching occasionally, making the others in front of her feel very uncomfortable. Luna, who sat next to Celestia, quickly took over for her though. "I believe it is time for a tiny, little break!" She said as she guided Celestia off her podium, down the stage. "Try not to kill each other!" She said loudly, walking down the room towards the exit. "Try not to mess things up even more." Luna whispered to Sombra as the two Princesses walked past him. Sombra raised an eyebrow and turned around at them, though they had already moved on by then. Arriving outside, the two Princesses saw how a large group of press ponies was surrounding Cadance. They used the opportunity to sneak past all them, while all the while hearing Cadance repeatedly shout "I only drank a bloody cup of water! Leave me alone!" At them. "Sooo..." Discord said as he popped up behind Queen Chrysalis. "Sooo...?" Chrysalis asked in an annoyed voice. "Looks like we've got some spare time on our hands..." He smiled at her. "Oh, im sorry, hooves." Chrysalis was not amused. "What. Do you. Want." She demanded. "Oh, if you want to get right to it..." He suddenly grew 5 additional pairs of arms and held corks in each of his hands. "I would be happy to fill some of your holes, dear." Author's Note To be continued... The Butt-toucherShortly after Luna and Celestia left for an unexpected 'break', Luna re-entered the meeting room. She was alone, without Celestia, who was now in her bedroom, counting cakes and eating sheep. Or was it the other way around? Meh. As Luna made her way to the podium, she dared look around the room. What she saw was...certainly unexpected. All of the villains that had come from across Equestria were peacefully (more or less) sitting next to a campfire. Well, it was more of a deskfire, really. Somepony should get Ember something that prevents her from lighting the room on fire when she sneezes... Probably a good idea. Intrigued by this most unusual sight, Luna took a left turn and walked up to the group of ~~side characters~~ villains. The first thing she realized was that they were roasting marshmellows. Where they had gotten them, she didn't know. She was both curious and afraid to find it out. "Where did you get those?" She asked Discord who sat in front of her. Discord's head made a 180 degree turn and faced Luna while his mouth was still filled with Marshmellows. "Megic." He gave out as he eat noisily. Luna looked over to the others around the fire. She saw that they were all using rulers as sticks and had stuck a marshmellow on the end of it. Well, mostly only one marshmellow. We won't talk about Starlight. 'Equality' in a nutshell, I suppose. Luna coughed awkwardly to gain everyone's attention, in which she succeeded, considering everyone in the room was now staring at her. "As much as I enjoy seeing you all sit together peacefully like this..." She gulped, "I believe it is time for us to continue the meeting." Oh dear, they did not like that. From one moment to the other, it seemed like the entire room was out to murder Luna from the looks of it. Well, except for Discord. He really didn't care about some ~~peasants~~ below-average villains starting a mob. "And why are we not allowed to be together? Huh?" Asked Starlight, threatening Luna as she pulled out the Staff of Sameness. It took Luna a moment to realize what Starlight was doing. "Starlight..." She began, "...that's a stick." Starlight was unmoved and now held the staff in an offensive position. "It is not a stick but the allmighty Staff of Sameness! Bow to me or you will face its power!" If Luna wasn't such an overly serious pony she probably would have laughed right into her face at that point. "And that power is...?" "Making people equal, obviously." Starlight stated confidently. Luna lowered the staff with her right hoof, looking at Starlight with a questioning look. "So your goal is to touch people's butts and make them equal?" "Of course!" Starlight exclaimed without thinking first. "Wait..." She added as her brain started realizing what she had just said. Needless to say, Discord and Trixie were fairly amused and nicknames like "The butt-toucher" quickly came to be. Say goodbye to your reputation amongst the world stage, Starlight. You never really had one, anyway. "Alright, alright. Settle down, everypony." Luna said as her audience began to increasingly mock Starlight. "Why don't we get back to our usual business and continue the meeting? I am sure we still have much to discuss." Of course, Sombra immediately jumped at Luna. "You mean I will get my precious home back!?" He yelled in a begging motion, grabbing Luna by her collar. Luna laughed at Sombra's euphemism. "Oh Sombra..." She chuckled, "Of course not." Sombra's eyes teared up as he stared at Luna with big eyes, begging her to give in. Fortunately, Luna had become immune to big, watering puppy eyes over the course of her life. She had also become ~~incredibly evil~~ quite jealous occasionally, but we don't talk about that anymore because the equestrian history is for nerds. I'm looking at you, Twilight. "Quit it, Sombra." She told him as he eyed her with big eyes. "B-but...Empire..." He begged once more. Luna simply shook her head in denial as Sombra lowered his head and walked off, mumbling something to himself that rhymes with "Bill yourself." "So. Are we good? Or any other immediate complaints against continuing our meeting?" Luna asked into the group. They looked at each other, yet noone appeared to raise their voice or hand. (Because we all know ponies have hands, don't we? HASBRO?) "Very well then, let's get back to business then." Said Luna, turning back around and wanting to step up to the podium. "Um...what does one do if their desk is...on fire?" Asked Ember, standing in front of the desk that was burning. "You can share one with Trixie if you want." Offered Luna as she walked away from them towards the podium. Trixie, who had already taken a seat at her desk, looked up from a paper on her desk in shock. "Wuuuaat!? You can't do that! You can't make me sit next to that dragon thingie! What if it breathes fire and roasts me alive?" Paniced Trixie as Ember stood next to her. Ember sighed in annoyance as she had to share a desk with an immature, weak and, most of all, loud magician. She pulled over a chair and sat down at Trixie's desk, making Trixie nudge away from her a bit in fear. "Looking at you, I don't think it's that hard to roast you at all, really." Said Ember as she smiled at Trixie sarcastically, who herself was busy shivering in fear and biting her lips in order not to scream. "Miss Wannabe Hoofdini." She added. "Wannabe!?" Trixie yelled at her, now enraged rather than scared, "Why youuu-" "Ahem" Interrupted Luna as Trixie and Ember were about to clash. "May I have you two settle down?" She asked politely. "I don't know, this kid over here seems like it should be put into it's place." Replied Ember, staring at Trixie, as she did to her. Trixie only grumbled at her in return. "Yes, well. Let me rephrase that. Settle down peacefully..." She paused, taking a breath, "Or a kick in the face and get a broken nose." Taking in what, of all the characters in the room, Luna had just said...the two adversaries decided to settle down peacefully. Rather forced and with no other option, but still peacefully. Luna, having arrived at the podium, cleared her throat before returning to the meeting at last. "Alright then. So, is there anyone that wishes to adress an issue or topic of interest here?" Luna asked into the room. "Except for Sombra." She added, seeing the dark ruler raising his hoof. "I have a topic of interest." Said Starlight. "You? What interesting things could you talk about?" Mocked Chrysalis who sat next to her, rolling her eyes. Starlight leaned over to her in reply to the obvious insult. "Said the oversized cockroach." She countered, driving Chrysalis mad. "At least not an idiotic little pony that touches other's butts to draw an equal sign on it!" She lashed out, in reference to the earlier joke. "She's right!" Shouted Sombra across the room. "Shut up, Sombra! Nopony likes you! Grab your stuff and go back to where you came from!" Starlight replied equally as loud. "I would if I had my empire!" Sombra replied, making Luna hit her face on the podium. Hard. Perhaps now she knew how Celestia ended up in bed so quickly now. "I wonder why you lost it!" Starlight said in a mocking voice. "Not because of your stupid, silly communism, that's for sure." "I am NOT a communist!" She pleaded. The room seemed to think differently, including Luna. "...Nah, you're pretty communist." Started Sombra. "Yeah, communist." Agreed Chrysalis. "Indeed." Discord gave out, busy playing with his pencil. "I am not!" Starlight shouted. "All who agree that Starlight is a communist dictator raise their hands, hooves or claws." Luna said in an annoyed tone, wanting to finally burry this subject. Everyone's hands or claws rose up in aggrement all of the sudden. Well, apart from Starlight of course. fucking pleb. "So that's that then. Anyone else with a..." She sighed in regret, "...proposal?" She closed her eyes for a moment, hoping not to hear what she was afraid of hearing. "I do." "Gods have mercy on me..." Luna moaned to herself in though before opening her eyes again. It was Chrysalis that had spoken up this time. Why? Well because we need her to talk more so we can get those sweet, juicy vie- This line has been removed by Hasbro, sorry 'bout that :/ "Yes...what is it?" Luna asked in exhaustion. "Well, you see...my changelings and I have been starving for a long time and we require love to survive." Chrysalis explained. "Soooo...?" Luna asked her. "I think we should occupy Canterlot in order to ensure our survival." She stated with an innocent smile while folding her hooves on her table. Luna hit her head on the podium as hard as she possibly could while yelling "Concussion! Concussion! Concussion!" The others could only watch as Luna's little 'experiment' didn't exactly accomplish what she had aimed for. Unless she wanted to break the podium, of course. Because that's exactly what she had accomplished. Don't know if royal insurance covers that one, Moonbutt. "Please, for the love of everything that is holy, tell me you are joking." Luna moaned in despair. Chrysalis cocked her head slightly and simply replied with: "Why would I be joking?" "...Are you alright?" She asked as Luna's right eye twitched, as did her head, in combination with a very "I will stab you in your rib cage"-like look. Next time at who shot Harambe MLP: Diplomacy is dumb: Cadance meets Sunburst on the public restroom, Luna destroys the death star and the water cooler kills Sombra. Probably. Author's Note I don't even know anymore. A Pathetic display"Chrysalis..." Began Luna as she breathed loudly. "I think it's better you take a seat and keep quiet for the rest of the day." Said Bug Queen felt more insulted than anything about Luna's rather...genuine warning. "A queen does not take orders from anyone but herself." She replied with a proud voice. Luna grumbled loudly, at the very brink of insanity. "Let me rephrase that for you: Get the hell out of my life!" She yelled in Chrysalis' face who now realized the severity of the situation she was in. With an awkward, false smile, Chrysalis made a few, small side steps towards her desk. "Yes. Yes, that...does sound like a good idea, actually. The queen happily agrees, hehe." Just when Luna thought she could have a short break and have herself calm down, the next nuisance was just around the corner. Or in this case, right behind her. "My, my, Lulu. Thousands of years old yet still unable to control your anger." Discord said to her, his arms folded behind his back. Luna grumbled as she heard him call her Lulu, she simply hated that nickname. "For the tenth time, Discord, stop calling me that! You know I hate that name!" Luna barked at him. Discord chuckled at her reply, snapping his fingers and reappearing next to Luna. "Of course I know you hate the name." Discord said, resting his right arm on Luna's head, "And that is exactly why I'm using it, dear." Luna could only give out another annoyed grumble as the Draconequus next to her chuckled. "And you're just as much of a nuisance as you were a thousand years ago, Discord." Luna barked at him. "Oh, why thank you, dear." Discord replied with a smile. "Or should I say...deer?" His left arm rose, yet just before he was able to snap his claws... "Do it and I'll have you lick the restrooms clean for a thousand years." Luna told him with a grim and serious expression. Discord froze for a moment as he reconsidered his options. Licking the toilets for a thousand years and seeing Luna as a deer... Or not... Hmmmm.... "Fiiine." Discord replied insulted. "What a spoilsport..." He grumbled quietly. "What was that?" Luna asked Discord after hearing his grumbling. "Oh I said you look wonderful today, that is all." Discord replied with a fake smile. Luna looked and stared at him, making Discord increasingly uncomfortable. Luckily for Discord though, someone else came to save him. "So." Began Sombra as he stood next to Luna. "Maybe now it is time to re-negotiate the whole crystal empire thing." Luna's heartbeat ascelerated simply by hearing Sombra's voice. "Sombra..." She started, though Sombra was quick to cut her off. "Yes, yes, I know. We've had our differences and all that. But, seeing as how we both are noble, civilized rulers, I believe we should be able to look past such actions." He too gave Luna a smile, though his looked more genuine than fake. Making Luna concerned that Sombra really was a retard, and not just playing dumb. "For the last time-" "Now, I know we have not found any common ground in this matter just yet, but I am quite fond of seeing how we could both form a fair deal." "Sombra." Luna said. "But before-" "Sombra." Luna said again, louder this time. "We simply must-" "Sombra!" Luna yelled, finally getting him to shut up. "I appreciate your optimism about this matter, I really do." Sombra smiled more and was about to reply to her statement. "But." Luna interrupted Sombra just as he was about to say something. "Despite all this, I only have one thing to say to you." Sombra lost his smile and gulped. "A-and that would be?" He asked timidly. "Get. Lost." She yelled at him once again. Sombra had turned from optimistic and happy to...well...something many would not expect of him. Yeah, well, he curled himself up on the ground and cried. It was sort of entertaining the first few seconds, though it quickly became boring and annoying for many in the audience. "Fantastic job, second hand princess." Mocked Trixie as she looked at the crying Sombra on the ground. "Now we've got to deal with yet another cry baby in here." "I assume the other one is you?" Said Starlight with a giggle. "I was about to say it would be you, but I don't think butt-touchers can be cry babies." Replied Trixie in the same mocking voice as before. "-Said the unskilled magician. I guess real magic is only something for grown ups after all." The two met face to face and grumbled loudly, attracting everyone's attention, even that of Sombra who temporarily stopped whining. "Quit it, you two." Interrupted Princess Luna, trying to finally bring order back to this mess of a meeting. "I must agree." Said Discord, popping up next to Luna. "Usually I would be all for conflict and insults, but it's simply no fun if two children ramble about who is more miserable." Trixie and Starlight were not amused at all. "Oh, so what gives you the right to call us that?" Asked Trixie towards Discord. "Yeah! You're no better than us!" Said Starlight, reinforcing Trixie's statement. Discord held his belly as he burst out in laughter. Fairly literally, actually, seeing as how he exploded in a burst of confetti. Surely enough though, he reappeared in front of the two insulted mares just a few seconds later. "Phew. That was a good one." Discord said, still in laughter, as he wiped away a last tear of laughter. He looked down onto Starlight and Trixie and spotted their serious looks. "Oh wait, you're serious?" The two grumbled at him as their eyes narrowed. "Well you see, unlike you, I am a god. I can do anything, I am the god of chaos, spirit of disharmony. I have the ability to rip a hole in the very fabric of reality, to travel between dimensions and travel in time." Discord said out loud with proud voice as he praised himself. "While you two..." He said, taking a knee in front of Trixie. "Yes, well, it's a rather pathetic display, really." He said, snapping his claws and swapping Trixie's hat with a rabbit. Trixie screamed as the rabbit on her head bit her in the left ear. She started running about, still screaming, until Discord decided he had enough. Another snap and the rabbit on Trixie's head disappeared, much to her relief. "Lulu, dear, I thought this was a meeting for villains? What are these children doing here?" He asked, still eyeing Trixie who breathed heavily after her marathon through the room. Starlight jumped behind Discord and yelled: "Call us children and-" "And?" Discord interrupted, not bothering to turn around. "You should go home, child. Do your homework and get ready for bed. It's getting quite late." Discord's voice was filled with no shame, only with pure joy. Truly, he enjoyed mocking them as much as one possibly could. "Hey! Where's my hat!" Complained Trixie. "Oh, my bad. Hat, coming right up." Said Discord in a giggly voice. He snapped his fingers and a hat appeared on Trixie's head. Though...it wasn't exactly what she had wished for. "A Dunce hat!?" Trixie bursted out. Discord fell on his back in laughter at seeing her face in reaction to the new cosmetic item on her head. For a moment it seemed like Discord was going to suffocate as loud coughs interrupted his laughter. Man, that would be a funny way to die. Literally. I mean, imagine. 'Here lies Discord. He died as he lived: Laughing his butt off.' Oh, yes, right. Moving on. After about a minute or so, Discord finally managed to calm himself. Well, as calm as Discord can be, of course. "Right....right..." Discord began, still trying to calm down. "Oh dear, that one really got the better of me." "...What?" He asked himself as he looked around, seeing how everyone stared at him with an annoyed look. "That was funny! You know it, I know it, even the damn reader knows it!" Once again, he looked around, though this time the others in the roomed looked more confused than annoyed. "Readers?" Asked Ember curiously. Discord snapped his claws, making a thunder cloud appear above him. "Ahem...Foooools!" He yelled, as a thunderbolt shot out behind him. "Right, that's that then." He said, back in his normal voice, making the cloud above him disappear. "Discord, I must ask you to behave appropriately." Said Luna to him in a demanding voice. "Oh, you're saying I need to bully these dwarfs even more? Hm, I thought they would have had enough for now but if the princess says-" "Discord!" Luna interrupted. "I'm howling at the moon." Discord sang in reply. "What?" Luna asked in surprise. "Oh, nothing. I forgot I'm the only one in the show that is self-aware." ".....What?" Luna asked again, even more confused this time. "Forget about it. I didn't want to talk to you peasants anyway." Discord lifted his right arm, snapping his claws once more. From one moment to the other, he suddenly wore a black suit, a monocle, wore a top hat and held a golden walking stick in his left hand. "Now, if you would excuse me," He said, stroking his white beard, "I have more important business to attend to. Good day." The now fancy-looking Draconequus tipped his hat and turned around, slowly making his way towards the exit. As he came up to the closed door and reached for the door handle, something rather...unpleasant and unexpected happened. "Luna!" Yelled Celestia as she kicked open the door, unintentionally hitting Discord with said door. The previously noble-looking Discord now laid on the ground in front of Celestia who looked at him in surprise "Discord? What are you doing down there?" She asked him, seemingly unknowing that she had kicked a door in his face. Discord looked up to her, snorting at her and saying: " you!" Nice WeatherAbout 15 minutes went by after the previous events and it seemed like, with the help of Celestia, Luna had finally reinstalled order. This, of course, was not an easy thing to achieve. However, it only required a few nice words, smiles and threats and the others in the room were more than happy to cooperate. Especially Chrysalis, she really didn't want to see just how hard Luna could smash her face in. So, after the paramedics left the room, carrying an unconscious Discord out of the room, Celestia was free to re-open the meeting. "I am sincerly sorry for my abrupt absence. It was not my intention, nor my wishing. I-" At that point everyone in the room, including Luna, had muted Celestia's voice in their head. Sombra could be seen pulling the stolen crystal back out, opening his mouth and pulling it out from under his tongue. Trixie was unlucky to witness this. Her eyes had wandered off to the wrong place at the wrong time. "EWWWWWW!" She gave out in horror as Sombra held the crystal in his hooves, "What kind of freak are you!?" She asked him loudly. Sombra chuckled out loud, raising a hoof as he was about to explain. "Hey...wait a minute..." Cadance interrupted from the back of the room, standing next to the ~~allmighty~~ well-known water cooler. "Where did you get that...crystal?" She asked Sombra. Sombra gulped and coughed awkwardly. "Yes, um. Well, you see..." He began, starting to sweat at the danger of being exposed. However, he knew exactly what he had to do to avoid exposure. He was a criminal mastermind after all, and he knew just what every good criminal would do in this situation. "Nice weather we're having today." "Anything is nice when you live in a frozen desert..." Commented Chrysalis with a mocking voice. Before Sombra was able to reply to her, he heard right behind his chair as Cadance squashed her plastic cup within her right hoof. Sombra slowly turned around in fear, spotting a...very angry looking Cadance after he did so. "It's not too late for an apology...right?" He asked as Cadance slowly came closer, her face glowing with rage as she stared at the crystal Sombra held in his hooves. "R-right?" He repeated in fear. Cadance breathed out a puff of smoke in rage as she stared into Sombra's soul. The grey-coated unicorn shivered in fear as his and Cadance's snouts were about to collide. "...Right?" He repeated one last time with a false, awkward smile. This fight scene has been removed by Youtube due to excessive swearing and violence, sorry 'bout that :/ "I'll be back!" Sombra shouted into the room as he was taken away by two police officers. "You hear me? I'll be back! Someday!" All ponies, dragons, changelings and butt-touchers present were understandably nervous about the current situation. Really, who can blame them? I mean, Discord, the god of chaos, was taken to hospital, Sombra was taken into custody and they are forced to sit in the same room as Starlight, a bloody pedophile. So again, who can blame any of them for feeling...nervous, to say the least. "Excuse the question, but..." Chrysalis began, turning towards Celestia. "Does this meeting really still have a point?" She asked. "...Did one of you just ask a good question for once?" Celestia asked back in surprise, seeing many in the audience raise an eyebrow. "Well, either way, I do think we can still achieve something with this." Celestia told Chrysalis half-hearted. "We can surely achieve something." Chrysalis replied with a sarcastic voice. "Like killing off half of us and driving the other half insane." "What are-" "Oh please, Celestia." Chrysalis interrupted loudly. "You almost killed Discord, Luna almost murdered me, Sombra has just been arrested and all we have left in this 'meeting' of yours is me, a pedophile, a child with a wizard hat and one of the smallest dragons to ever set foot on this planet." Celestia was silent as she took in what Chrysalis had said, knowing that, for the most part, she was right. "So I ask you again, Princess" She said, emphasizing 'princess' in a mocking tone. "Is this really still worth my time or am I free to leave? I, unlike all the others in here, actually have other important matters to attend to." Celestia looked around the room, looking at all the others and their expressions. And, while there were a lot of insulted frowns directed at Chrysalis, there were also a couple of agreeing nods. ...Eventhough Luna and Cadance were about 50% of those nods. But hey, that's not the first time Celestia rigged an election. Don't tell Luna of that though... Celestia sighed deeply, before looking back at Chrysalis with a defeated look. "Fine...you can go." She said with a quiet voice. Chrysalis' eyes grew in surprise. "We...we can?" She asked in unbelief. "You can. I guess the whole point of this meeting was...relatively pointless, really." Celestia replied, her voice becoming quiet as she went on. Celestia closed her eyes, sobbing artificially. She looked back up and saw how everyone had already left the room, despite her apparent sadness. "K. Have fun with that!" Shouted Starlight across the room as she walked out the door. Celestia pouted as Starlight closed the door with a loud slam. "But...but why though?" She asked quietly, a single tear rolling down her left cheek. And so the first and ~~thankfully~~ last of these meetings has ended. A brilliant idea of Celestia that was actually more insane and retarded than brilliant, but will still be called brilliant in the history books. Because rulers are always brilliant and calling them otherwise equals high treason. The villains and ahem 'heroes' of Equestria met one last time in the foyer and outside the castle. The last funny, sad and dumb scenes of the evening played out as they met for the last time, surely to meet each other again very soon as part of yet another diabolic, evil plan. A plan that was about as foolproof as dousing yourself in gasoline and standing next to an angry German. When you are also a Jew. Please don't kill me. And then the last few goodbye's were said and the last carriages left Canterlot Castle, officially ending the evening. Wait...you survived? You actually read all this? You read the entire thing, from start to finish? Dear lord...I...I don't know whether I should congratulate you or if I should end your suffering right here and now. Though, on second thought, the first does sound like a better plan. So, yeah. Good job and congrats. You're probably an immortal god if you survived something like this, considering you didn't die of heart cancer.
'Diplomacy'"Thank you all for attending to this very important first meeting of ours. I am grateful to have you all here today and I am proud to be the host of this meeting." Said Celestia with pride, commencing her opening speech. As was usual with her speeches, minutes passed by without any signs of her stopping. If there was one thing Celestia was known for, it would have to be her being a gigantic chatterbox. Usually people found it quite funny. Only problem was that this time the great leaders of the world were in the same room as her and they couldn't just use the remote to switch channels when getting bored. Minute after minute the room became more and more quiet. The audience had become quite...inventive over the course of her speech. There was Starlight who had 2 rubbers sticking out of her ears, helping her suppress Celestia's increasingly annoying voice. She was not the only one who had become quite annoyed by the ruler of Equestria though. Where Queen Chrysalis herself sat before was now a tiny rock. At least she didn't have to hear Celestia that way. Not all of the audience was that 'extreme' though, seeing how Sombra was smashing his head on the desk repeatedly. ...In hindsight, people probably were quite sick of Celestia. However, against many popular expectations, Celestia's speech had eventually, finally, found an end. As her mouth closed, her eyes travelled across the room, seeing many of the sleepy, tired and ~~murderous~~ angry faces in the room. A 'normal' pony would most likely have been slightly scared or concerned because of those reactions to her speech, Celestia was no normal pony however and she kept a cool head as she usually did. A short, rather sarcastic, applause sounded through the room before Celestia, once more, opened her ~~cursed~~ mouth. No doubt, it seemed like Sombra was about to stab himself with a crystal (which he had stolen from Cadance in the foyer) as she started once more. In an interview after the session he would say the following about the situation: "Why I was trying to stab myself? Well guess why, you nutjobs! I would love to see you stuck in a room with that thing for only 2 minutes." Sombra was taken to the local Police Department the same evening after a security guard detected the stolen crystal he had hidden beneath his tongue. "So, let us beginn, no? I am open for proposals from anyone." She said into the room. It was like someone had suddenly switched the power back on as the different leaders in the room quickly began...um...let's call it 'debating', no? "I demand the Crystal Empire back!" Shouted Sombra, slamming his stolen crystal into his desk with enough force to have it stuck in it. "Equality!" Shouted Starlight from the other side of the room. "Eternal Night!" Luna yelled from yet another corner of the room. "Booooriiiing!" Discord yawned across the room, "Why not spice this meeting up a little?" He asked, followed by a quick snap of his fingers. The others in the room were frightened as their pens and rubbers became spiders while their paperclips grew wings and flew around the room. All the while, Discord himself jumped onto his desk, a microphone in his claws, and coughed briefly. "What's up with people saying Changelings are the masters of disguise? I mean, come on, they are so easy to look through!" Chrysalis grumbled loudly at Discord as Starlight almost fell off her chair from laughing. Discord bowed before his audience as Celestia herself spoke up. "Discord! Contain yourself!" She said in an almost ordering tone. Discord was not amused, yet he had to obey. The only alternative to obeying Celestia was an eternal stone prison in her garden and being pooped on by pigeons for centuries. As much as he despised Celestia, he had no choice but to reverse his spell. He sighed annoyingly, followed by another snap of the finger. The countless pens and rubbers became inanimate again and the paperclips lost their wings and fell to the ground, one of them hitting Trixie on her head. She held her right hoof to where it had it her face, followed by a great and powerful grumble of hers TrixieLulamoonEnterprises™. "Now," Celestia said, trying to re-establish order in the room, "You will all get your chance to talk, so there is no need to yell or interrupt anyone." Most of the audience didn't seem very interested in what she was saying. Sombra for one was busy trying to get the crystal out of his desk, apparently it was stuck now. "So, how about we start off with..." She went over the room from left to right, looking for a person to start with. She froze temporarily before leaning over to her left towards Luna and whispering: "Who invited the Bugbear?" Luna shrugged as they both looked over to the desk of the Bugbear. The wondersome creature was currently busy sniffing at its pen and, eventually, swallowing it whole. Trixie didn't like sitting next to it. Nuff said. Celestia coughed awkwardly as she resumed to choosing somepony. "Um...how about...Cadance!" The princess in question stood at the back of the room, at the water cooler, currently busy getting some fresh water. At first she didn't realise the entire room was watching her when she poured the water into her cup and drank a sip. Only then she looked up at the others that were watching her, raising an eyebrow in confusion and asking: "What? I'm thirsty too, you know." "Do you have any proposal in mind for our session, Cadance?" Celestia asked. Starlight rose up from her chair before Cadance could answer. "This is a meeting for Villains! She has no right to vote here!" Starlight rightfully exclaimed. Cadance shrugged, still holding her cup of water in her right hoof. "Well..." She started, taking another sip, "I squashed a bug once." The room looked at her in disapproval. "Right." She said, taking a last sip out of her cup. "I, uh, think it's time for me to, uh, go." She said awkwardly, slowly stepping towards the exit next to her. The room was silent, yet the looks of the audience told her that she was better off leaving now rather than landing in hospital later on. Celestia scratched the back of her head awkwardly. "Hehe, right then." She saw the judging eyes of the audience which began making even her nervous by now. "How about Sombra then?" All eyes fell upon the grey-coated unicorn that was still busy trying to get his crystal out of the desk. Everyone watched in both awe and confusion as he pulled on it with all his might. Just when everyone started getting bored of the rather embarassing show, he succeeded and freed the crystal. "Victory is mine! Haha!" He froze, looking around the room. "Oh. Excuse me." He gulped silently as he sat back down in the most gentle and polite way possible. "Sombra...you know what I said, right?" Celestia asked with a sense of regret. "Uh, yes! Yes, of course! Haha, I would have to be a damn idiot if I didn't." He gave out awkwardly. Celestia ran a hoof to her face. "So you don't know?" Sombra bit his lips for a moment. "Not really, no." He sank into his chair in shame. Celestia sighed in annoyance. "Do you have any proposals to discuss for us?" She repeated to him. "Ooooh..." Sombra gave out, "Why of course, first of-" "You're not getting back the Crystal Empire..." Celestia interrupted. Sombra froze as he held up one of his hooves. "Bollocks!" He exclaimed. "I thought we were here to discuss important matters?" "Indeed we are, and that is most definitely not of importance." Sombra became furious. "Oh yeah, for you it isn't! You don't have to live in the bloody frozen north now, do you? You have a warm home, food and a quiet place to sleep. I have none of that!" "Wait..." Interrupted Starlight from Sombra's right. "You don't have food where you live? How are you even alive?" Sombra shrugged. "This isn't canon." Everyone in the room nodded understandingly at his statement, except for Discord. Discord promptly disappeared with a snap of the finger and reapparead next to Sombra, whispering into his left ear: "That's classified information." Sombra turned around to him with a confused look. "But everyone in here seems to know anyway." Discord covered Sombra's mouth as he said: "Yeees, but not them..." Sombra had no time to reply as Discord disappeared once again. Sombra coughed into his right hoof to regain attention. "Anyways." He began, "I said what I had to say and I demand to be treated fairly." Celestia's right eye twitched for a second before she replied: "Fairly. Yes." Celestia stared into the room with a tired look, her eyes twitching occasionally, making the others in front of her feel very uncomfortable. Luna, who sat next to Celestia, quickly took over for her though. "I believe it is time for a tiny, little break!" She said as she guided Celestia off her podium, down the stage. "Try not to kill each other!" She said loudly, walking down the room towards the exit. "Try not to mess things up even more." Luna whispered to Sombra as the two Princesses walked past him. Sombra raised an eyebrow and turned around at them, though they had already moved on by then. Arriving outside, the two Princesses saw how a large group of press ponies was surrounding Cadance. They used the opportunity to sneak past all them, while all the while hearing Cadance repeatedly shout "I only drank a bloody cup of water! Leave me alone!" At them. "Sooo..." Discord said as he popped up behind Queen Chrysalis. "Sooo...?" Chrysalis asked in an annoyed voice. "Looks like we've got some spare time on our hands..." He smiled at her. "Oh, im sorry, hooves." Chrysalis was not amused. "What. Do you. Want." She demanded. "Oh, if you want to get right to it..." He suddenly grew 5 additional pairs of arms and held corks in each of his hands. "I would be happy to fill some of your holes, dear." Author's Note To be continued...
The Butt-toucherShortly after Luna and Celestia left for an unexpected 'break', Luna re-entered the meeting room. She was alone, without Celestia, who was now in her bedroom, counting cakes and eating sheep. Or was it the other way around? Meh. As Luna made her way to the podium, she dared look around the room. What she saw was...certainly unexpected. All of the villains that had come from across Equestria were peacefully (more or less) sitting next to a campfire. Well, it was more of a deskfire, really. Somepony should get Ember something that prevents her from lighting the room on fire when she sneezes... Probably a good idea. Intrigued by this most unusual sight, Luna took a left turn and walked up to the group of ~~side characters~~ villains. The first thing she realized was that they were roasting marshmellows. Where they had gotten them, she didn't know. She was both curious and afraid to find it out. "Where did you get those?" She asked Discord who sat in front of her. Discord's head made a 180 degree turn and faced Luna while his mouth was still filled with Marshmellows. "Megic." He gave out as he eat noisily. Luna looked over to the others around the fire. She saw that they were all using rulers as sticks and had stuck a marshmellow on the end of it. Well, mostly only one marshmellow. We won't talk about Starlight. 'Equality' in a nutshell, I suppose. Luna coughed awkwardly to gain everyone's attention, in which she succeeded, considering everyone in the room was now staring at her. "As much as I enjoy seeing you all sit together peacefully like this..." She gulped, "I believe it is time for us to continue the meeting." Oh dear, they did not like that. From one moment to the other, it seemed like the entire room was out to murder Luna from the looks of it. Well, except for Discord. He really didn't care about some ~~peasants~~ below-average villains starting a mob. "And why are we not allowed to be together? Huh?" Asked Starlight, threatening Luna as she pulled out the Staff of Sameness. It took Luna a moment to realize what Starlight was doing. "Starlight..." She began, "...that's a stick." Starlight was unmoved and now held the staff in an offensive position. "It is not a stick but the allmighty Staff of Sameness! Bow to me or you will face its power!" If Luna wasn't such an overly serious pony she probably would have laughed right into her face at that point. "And that power is...?" "Making people equal, obviously." Starlight stated confidently. Luna lowered the staff with her right hoof, looking at Starlight with a questioning look. "So your goal is to touch people's butts and make them equal?" "Of course!" Starlight exclaimed without thinking first. "Wait..." She added as her brain started realizing what she had just said. Needless to say, Discord and Trixie were fairly amused and nicknames like "The butt-toucher" quickly came to be. Say goodbye to your reputation amongst the world stage, Starlight. You never really had one, anyway. "Alright, alright. Settle down, everypony." Luna said as her audience began to increasingly mock Starlight. "Why don't we get back to our usual business and continue the meeting? I am sure we still have much to discuss." Of course, Sombra immediately jumped at Luna. "You mean I will get my precious home back!?" He yelled in a begging motion, grabbing Luna by her collar. Luna laughed at Sombra's euphemism. "Oh Sombra..." She chuckled, "Of course not." Sombra's eyes teared up as he stared at Luna with big eyes, begging her to give in. Fortunately, Luna had become immune to big, watering puppy eyes over the course of her life. She had also become ~~incredibly evil~~ quite jealous occasionally, but we don't talk about that anymore because the equestrian history is for nerds. I'm looking at you, Twilight. "Quit it, Sombra." She told him as he eyed her with big eyes. "B-but...Empire..." He begged once more. Luna simply shook her head in denial as Sombra lowered his head and walked off, mumbling something to himself that rhymes with "Bill yourself." "So. Are we good? Or any other immediate complaints against continuing our meeting?" Luna asked into the group. They looked at each other, yet noone appeared to raise their voice or hand. (Because we all know ponies have hands, don't we? HASBRO?) "Very well then, let's get back to business then." Said Luna, turning back around and wanting to step up to the podium. "Um...what does one do if their desk is...on fire?" Asked Ember, standing in front of the desk that was burning. "You can share one with Trixie if you want." Offered Luna as she walked away from them towards the podium. Trixie, who had already taken a seat at her desk, looked up from a paper on her desk in shock. "Wuuuaat!? You can't do that! You can't make me sit next to that dragon thingie! What if it breathes fire and roasts me alive?" Paniced Trixie as Ember stood next to her. Ember sighed in annoyance as she had to share a desk with an immature, weak and, most of all, loud magician. She pulled over a chair and sat down at Trixie's desk, making Trixie nudge away from her a bit in fear. "Looking at you, I don't think it's that hard to roast you at all, really." Said Ember as she smiled at Trixie sarcastically, who herself was busy shivering in fear and biting her lips in order not to scream. "Miss Wannabe Hoofdini." She added. "Wannabe!?" Trixie yelled at her, now enraged rather than scared, "Why youuu-" "Ahem" Interrupted Luna as Trixie and Ember were about to clash. "May I have you two settle down?" She asked politely. "I don't know, this kid over here seems like it should be put into it's place." Replied Ember, staring at Trixie, as she did to her. Trixie only grumbled at her in return. "Yes, well. Let me rephrase that. Settle down peacefully..." She paused, taking a breath, "Or a kick in the face and get a broken nose." Taking in what, of all the characters in the room, Luna had just said...the two adversaries decided to settle down peacefully. Rather forced and with no other option, but still peacefully. Luna, having arrived at the podium, cleared her throat before returning to the meeting at last. "Alright then. So, is there anyone that wishes to adress an issue or topic of interest here?" Luna asked into the room. "Except for Sombra." She added, seeing the dark ruler raising his hoof. "I have a topic of interest." Said Starlight. "You? What interesting things could you talk about?" Mocked Chrysalis who sat next to her, rolling her eyes. Starlight leaned over to her in reply to the obvious insult. "Said the oversized cockroach." She countered, driving Chrysalis mad. "At least not an idiotic little pony that touches other's butts to draw an equal sign on it!" She lashed out, in reference to the earlier joke. "She's right!" Shouted Sombra across the room. "Shut up, Sombra! Nopony likes you! Grab your stuff and go back to where you came from!" Starlight replied equally as loud. "I would if I had my empire!" Sombra replied, making Luna hit her face on the podium. Hard. Perhaps now she knew how Celestia ended up in bed so quickly now. "I wonder why you lost it!" Starlight said in a mocking voice. "Not because of your stupid, silly communism, that's for sure." "I am NOT a communist!" She pleaded. The room seemed to think differently, including Luna. "...Nah, you're pretty communist." Started Sombra. "Yeah, communist." Agreed Chrysalis. "Indeed." Discord gave out, busy playing with his pencil. "I am not!" Starlight shouted. "All who agree that Starlight is a communist dictator raise their hands, hooves or claws." Luna said in an annoyed tone, wanting to finally burry this subject. Everyone's hands or claws rose up in aggrement all of the sudden. Well, apart from Starlight of course. fucking pleb. "So that's that then. Anyone else with a..." She sighed in regret, "...proposal?" She closed her eyes for a moment, hoping not to hear what she was afraid of hearing. "I do." "Gods have mercy on me..." Luna moaned to herself in though before opening her eyes again. It was Chrysalis that had spoken up this time. Why? Well because we need her to talk more so we can get those sweet, juicy vie- This line has been removed by Hasbro, sorry 'bout that :/ "Yes...what is it?" Luna asked in exhaustion. "Well, you see...my changelings and I have been starving for a long time and we require love to survive." Chrysalis explained. "Soooo...?" Luna asked her. "I think we should occupy Canterlot in order to ensure our survival." She stated with an innocent smile while folding her hooves on her table. Luna hit her head on the podium as hard as she possibly could while yelling "Concussion! Concussion! Concussion!" The others could only watch as Luna's little 'experiment' didn't exactly accomplish what she had aimed for. Unless she wanted to break the podium, of course. Because that's exactly what she had accomplished. Don't know if royal insurance covers that one, Moonbutt. "Please, for the love of everything that is holy, tell me you are joking." Luna moaned in despair. Chrysalis cocked her head slightly and simply replied with: "Why would I be joking?" "...Are you alright?" She asked as Luna's right eye twitched, as did her head, in combination with a very "I will stab you in your rib cage"-like look. Next time at who shot Harambe MLP: Diplomacy is dumb: Cadance meets Sunburst on the public restroom, Luna destroys the death star and the water cooler kills Sombra. Probably. Author's Note I don't even know anymore.
A Pathetic display"Chrysalis..." Began Luna as she breathed loudly. "I think it's better you take a seat and keep quiet for the rest of the day." Said Bug Queen felt more insulted than anything about Luna's rather...genuine warning. "A queen does not take orders from anyone but herself." She replied with a proud voice. Luna grumbled loudly, at the very brink of insanity. "Let me rephrase that for you: Get the hell out of my life!" She yelled in Chrysalis' face who now realized the severity of the situation she was in. With an awkward, false smile, Chrysalis made a few, small side steps towards her desk. "Yes. Yes, that...does sound like a good idea, actually. The queen happily agrees, hehe." Just when Luna thought she could have a short break and have herself calm down, the next nuisance was just around the corner. Or in this case, right behind her. "My, my, Lulu. Thousands of years old yet still unable to control your anger." Discord said to her, his arms folded behind his back. Luna grumbled as she heard him call her Lulu, she simply hated that nickname. "For the tenth time, Discord, stop calling me that! You know I hate that name!" Luna barked at him. Discord chuckled at her reply, snapping his fingers and reappearing next to Luna. "Of course I know you hate the name." Discord said, resting his right arm on Luna's head, "And that is exactly why I'm using it, dear." Luna could only give out another annoyed grumble as the Draconequus next to her chuckled. "And you're just as much of a nuisance as you were a thousand years ago, Discord." Luna barked at him. "Oh, why thank you, dear." Discord replied with a smile. "Or should I say...deer?" His left arm rose, yet just before he was able to snap his claws... "Do it and I'll have you lick the restrooms clean for a thousand years." Luna told him with a grim and serious expression. Discord froze for a moment as he reconsidered his options. Licking the toilets for a thousand years and seeing Luna as a deer... Or not... Hmmmm.... "Fiiine." Discord replied insulted. "What a spoilsport..." He grumbled quietly. "What was that?" Luna asked Discord after hearing his grumbling. "Oh I said you look wonderful today, that is all." Discord replied with a fake smile. Luna looked and stared at him, making Discord increasingly uncomfortable. Luckily for Discord though, someone else came to save him. "So." Began Sombra as he stood next to Luna. "Maybe now it is time to re-negotiate the whole crystal empire thing." Luna's heartbeat ascelerated simply by hearing Sombra's voice. "Sombra..." She started, though Sombra was quick to cut her off. "Yes, yes, I know. We've had our differences and all that. But, seeing as how we both are noble, civilized rulers, I believe we should be able to look past such actions." He too gave Luna a smile, though his looked more genuine than fake. Making Luna concerned that Sombra really was a retard, and not just playing dumb. "For the last time-" "Now, I know we have not found any common ground in this matter just yet, but I am quite fond of seeing how we could both form a fair deal." "Sombra." Luna said. "But before-" "Sombra." Luna said again, louder this time. "We simply must-" "Sombra!" Luna yelled, finally getting him to shut up. "I appreciate your optimism about this matter, I really do." Sombra smiled more and was about to reply to her statement. "But." Luna interrupted Sombra just as he was about to say something. "Despite all this, I only have one thing to say to you." Sombra lost his smile and gulped. "A-and that would be?" He asked timidly. "Get. Lost." She yelled at him once again. Sombra had turned from optimistic and happy to...well...something many would not expect of him. Yeah, well, he curled himself up on the ground and cried. It was sort of entertaining the first few seconds, though it quickly became boring and annoying for many in the audience. "Fantastic job, second hand princess." Mocked Trixie as she looked at the crying Sombra on the ground. "Now we've got to deal with yet another cry baby in here." "I assume the other one is you?" Said Starlight with a giggle. "I was about to say it would be you, but I don't think butt-touchers can be cry babies." Replied Trixie in the same mocking voice as before. "-Said the unskilled magician. I guess real magic is only something for grown ups after all." The two met face to face and grumbled loudly, attracting everyone's attention, even that of Sombra who temporarily stopped whining. "Quit it, you two." Interrupted Princess Luna, trying to finally bring order back to this mess of a meeting. "I must agree." Said Discord, popping up next to Luna. "Usually I would be all for conflict and insults, but it's simply no fun if two children ramble about who is more miserable." Trixie and Starlight were not amused at all. "Oh, so what gives you the right to call us that?" Asked Trixie towards Discord. "Yeah! You're no better than us!" Said Starlight, reinforcing Trixie's statement. Discord held his belly as he burst out in laughter. Fairly literally, actually, seeing as how he exploded in a burst of confetti. Surely enough though, he reappeared in front of the two insulted mares just a few seconds later. "Phew. That was a good one." Discord said, still in laughter, as he wiped away a last tear of laughter. He looked down onto Starlight and Trixie and spotted their serious looks. "Oh wait, you're serious?" The two grumbled at him as their eyes narrowed. "Well you see, unlike you, I am a god. I can do anything, I am the god of chaos, spirit of disharmony. I have the ability to rip a hole in the very fabric of reality, to travel between dimensions and travel in time." Discord said out loud with proud voice as he praised himself. "While you two..." He said, taking a knee in front of Trixie. "Yes, well, it's a rather pathetic display, really." He said, snapping his claws and swapping Trixie's hat with a rabbit. Trixie screamed as the rabbit on her head bit her in the left ear. She started running about, still screaming, until Discord decided he had enough. Another snap and the rabbit on Trixie's head disappeared, much to her relief. "Lulu, dear, I thought this was a meeting for villains? What are these children doing here?" He asked, still eyeing Trixie who breathed heavily after her marathon through the room. Starlight jumped behind Discord and yelled: "Call us children and-" "And?" Discord interrupted, not bothering to turn around. "You should go home, child. Do your homework and get ready for bed. It's getting quite late." Discord's voice was filled with no shame, only with pure joy. Truly, he enjoyed mocking them as much as one possibly could. "Hey! Where's my hat!" Complained Trixie. "Oh, my bad. Hat, coming right up." Said Discord in a giggly voice. He snapped his fingers and a hat appeared on Trixie's head. Though...it wasn't exactly what she had wished for. "A Dunce hat!?" Trixie bursted out. Discord fell on his back in laughter at seeing her face in reaction to the new cosmetic item on her head. For a moment it seemed like Discord was going to suffocate as loud coughs interrupted his laughter. Man, that would be a funny way to die. Literally. I mean, imagine. 'Here lies Discord. He died as he lived: Laughing his butt off.' Oh, yes, right. Moving on. After about a minute or so, Discord finally managed to calm himself. Well, as calm as Discord can be, of course. "Right....right..." Discord began, still trying to calm down. "Oh dear, that one really got the better of me." "...What?" He asked himself as he looked around, seeing how everyone stared at him with an annoyed look. "That was funny! You know it, I know it, even the damn reader knows it!" Once again, he looked around, though this time the others in the roomed looked more confused than annoyed. "Readers?" Asked Ember curiously. Discord snapped his claws, making a thunder cloud appear above him. "Ahem...Foooools!" He yelled, as a thunderbolt shot out behind him. "Right, that's that then." He said, back in his normal voice, making the cloud above him disappear. "Discord, I must ask you to behave appropriately." Said Luna to him in a demanding voice. "Oh, you're saying I need to bully these dwarfs even more? Hm, I thought they would have had enough for now but if the princess says-" "Discord!" Luna interrupted. "I'm howling at the moon." Discord sang in reply. "What?" Luna asked in surprise. "Oh, nothing. I forgot I'm the only one in the show that is self-aware." ".....What?" Luna asked again, even more confused this time. "Forget about it. I didn't want to talk to you peasants anyway." Discord lifted his right arm, snapping his claws once more. From one moment to the other, he suddenly wore a black suit, a monocle, wore a top hat and held a golden walking stick in his left hand. "Now, if you would excuse me," He said, stroking his white beard, "I have more important business to attend to. Good day." The now fancy-looking Draconequus tipped his hat and turned around, slowly making his way towards the exit. As he came up to the closed door and reached for the door handle, something rather...unpleasant and unexpected happened. "Luna!" Yelled Celestia as she kicked open the door, unintentionally hitting Discord with said door. The previously noble-looking Discord now laid on the ground in front of Celestia who looked at him in surprise "Discord? What are you doing down there?" She asked him, seemingly unknowing that she had kicked a door in his face. Discord looked up to her, snorting at her and saying: " you!"
Nice WeatherAbout 15 minutes went by after the previous events and it seemed like, with the help of Celestia, Luna had finally reinstalled order. This, of course, was not an easy thing to achieve. However, it only required a few nice words, smiles and threats and the others in the room were more than happy to cooperate. Especially Chrysalis, she really didn't want to see just how hard Luna could smash her face in. So, after the paramedics left the room, carrying an unconscious Discord out of the room, Celestia was free to re-open the meeting. "I am sincerly sorry for my abrupt absence. It was not my intention, nor my wishing. I-" At that point everyone in the room, including Luna, had muted Celestia's voice in their head. Sombra could be seen pulling the stolen crystal back out, opening his mouth and pulling it out from under his tongue. Trixie was unlucky to witness this. Her eyes had wandered off to the wrong place at the wrong time. "EWWWWWW!" She gave out in horror as Sombra held the crystal in his hooves, "What kind of freak are you!?" She asked him loudly. Sombra chuckled out loud, raising a hoof as he was about to explain. "Hey...wait a minute..." Cadance interrupted from the back of the room, standing next to the ~~allmighty~~ well-known water cooler. "Where did you get that...crystal?" She asked Sombra. Sombra gulped and coughed awkwardly. "Yes, um. Well, you see..." He began, starting to sweat at the danger of being exposed. However, he knew exactly what he had to do to avoid exposure. He was a criminal mastermind after all, and he knew just what every good criminal would do in this situation. "Nice weather we're having today." "Anything is nice when you live in a frozen desert..." Commented Chrysalis with a mocking voice. Before Sombra was able to reply to her, he heard right behind his chair as Cadance squashed her plastic cup within her right hoof. Sombra slowly turned around in fear, spotting a...very angry looking Cadance after he did so. "It's not too late for an apology...right?" He asked as Cadance slowly came closer, her face glowing with rage as she stared at the crystal Sombra held in his hooves. "R-right?" He repeated in fear. Cadance breathed out a puff of smoke in rage as she stared into Sombra's soul. The grey-coated unicorn shivered in fear as his and Cadance's snouts were about to collide. "...Right?" He repeated one last time with a false, awkward smile. This fight scene has been removed by Youtube due to excessive swearing and violence, sorry 'bout that :/ "I'll be back!" Sombra shouted into the room as he was taken away by two police officers. "You hear me? I'll be back! Someday!" All ponies, dragons, changelings and butt-touchers present were understandably nervous about the current situation. Really, who can blame them? I mean, Discord, the god of chaos, was taken to hospital, Sombra was taken into custody and they are forced to sit in the same room as Starlight, a bloody pedophile. So again, who can blame any of them for feeling...nervous, to say the least. "Excuse the question, but..." Chrysalis began, turning towards Celestia. "Does this meeting really still have a point?" She asked. "...Did one of you just ask a good question for once?" Celestia asked back in surprise, seeing many in the audience raise an eyebrow. "Well, either way, I do think we can still achieve something with this." Celestia told Chrysalis half-hearted. "We can surely achieve something." Chrysalis replied with a sarcastic voice. "Like killing off half of us and driving the other half insane." "What are-" "Oh please, Celestia." Chrysalis interrupted loudly. "You almost killed Discord, Luna almost murdered me, Sombra has just been arrested and all we have left in this 'meeting' of yours is me, a pedophile, a child with a wizard hat and one of the smallest dragons to ever set foot on this planet." Celestia was silent as she took in what Chrysalis had said, knowing that, for the most part, she was right. "So I ask you again, Princess" She said, emphasizing 'princess' in a mocking tone. "Is this really still worth my time or am I free to leave? I, unlike all the others in here, actually have other important matters to attend to." Celestia looked around the room, looking at all the others and their expressions. And, while there were a lot of insulted frowns directed at Chrysalis, there were also a couple of agreeing nods. ...Eventhough Luna and Cadance were about 50% of those nods. But hey, that's not the first time Celestia rigged an election. Don't tell Luna of that though... Celestia sighed deeply, before looking back at Chrysalis with a defeated look. "Fine...you can go." She said with a quiet voice. Chrysalis' eyes grew in surprise. "We...we can?" She asked in unbelief. "You can. I guess the whole point of this meeting was...relatively pointless, really." Celestia replied, her voice becoming quiet as she went on. Celestia closed her eyes, sobbing artificially. She looked back up and saw how everyone had already left the room, despite her apparent sadness. "K. Have fun with that!" Shouted Starlight across the room as she walked out the door. Celestia pouted as Starlight closed the door with a loud slam. "But...but why though?" She asked quietly, a single tear rolling down her left cheek. And so the first and ~~thankfully~~ last of these meetings has ended. A brilliant idea of Celestia that was actually more insane and retarded than brilliant, but will still be called brilliant in the history books. Because rulers are always brilliant and calling them otherwise equals high treason. The villains and ahem 'heroes' of Equestria met one last time in the foyer and outside the castle. The last funny, sad and dumb scenes of the evening played out as they met for the last time, surely to meet each other again very soon as part of yet another diabolic, evil plan. A plan that was about as foolproof as dousing yourself in gasoline and standing next to an angry German. When you are also a Jew. Please don't kill me. And then the last few goodbye's were said and the last carriages left Canterlot Castle, officially ending the evening. Wait...you survived? You actually read all this? You read the entire thing, from start to finish? Dear lord...I...I don't know whether I should congratulate you or if I should end your suffering right here and now. Though, on second thought, the first does sound like a better plan. So, yeah. Good job and congrats. You're probably an immortal god if you survived something like this, considering you didn't die of heart cancer.
