El Pinkie Versus the Border Agent
Written by TheCrimsonDM
There exists two universes that we know of. One of them is our Earth. A place where humans live like an infestation in large colonies that we call cities. We like to think we are the masters of everything we touch, see, feel, and smell. Of course that’s a load of crap but what am I supposed to do about it?
There’s another universe which was first discovered by dreamers. A land full of magic, love, happiness, and worst of all tolerance. Compared to our world this place is the most disgusting, colorful and bright place you could imagine. Instead of a human infestation this universe has magical talking miniature horses, they call themselves ponies.
The only reason we can verify the existence of this other universe, this equestrian plane, is because we have discovered weak spots between the two universes. These weak spots are prone to causing rifts, and it has become a serious issue as several of their criminals have come here to escape. We first discovered these rifts occurring at a high school several years ago, but since then we have found more of them. At least the one at the school is controlled, if only on the other side. The new ones however are wild, unpredictable, and worst yet, messy.
Treaties have been signed via some of our agents to this other universe. We are to keep any and all rifts that crop up under control. Any human attempting to cross into their world is to be stopped, and to have their memories of the portal wiped. Any pony attempting to cross in our world suffers a similar fate.
My name is Derek and I’m a border agent.
I usually sit in a tiny square building with windows on every side. It’s a lonely little job, but for a guy without friends it suits me just fine. My little office chair was black, uncomfortable, and squeaked whenever I moved it. The computer in front of me was open to a game of solitaire. My third game since this morning. Coffee rested in a cup next to it, it was my seventh cup.
I leaned back in my chair, ignoring the squeak. In two hours I’d be able to go to sleep. There was a cot in the corner of the room near the restroom. This job had me sitting inside a booth or hiking around the densely forested area for two weeks at a time, then I got to go home for about a week. Rinse and repeat.
Though nothing ever happened here.
I stared bleary eyed out the window. The same forest stared back at me. Nothing about it had changed since I got here, than again it usually didn’t. There was a bird in the sky. It sort of just hung in the air, not moving an inch. After a few seconds of watching the still bird, with its wings spread out and flying without ever moving an inch I began to suspect something was wrong.
I got up went to the door and grabbed my pony catching net. I’d never had to use it before, and I doubted it would be used now, but something was up. I went outside and into the thick humidity. Around the side of my little building I looked at the glass windows and saw wallpaper stuck to my windows.
“What the?” I said as I ripped it down. It was a perfect recreation of the forest around me. But how did this get here, why was it here, who put it here?
A high pitched giggle caught in my ears and I gripped my net harder still. I looked around, but couldn’t see anything out of the ordinary. Yet something was off. Laughter plus this creepy wall paper? Something was here with me.
“Who’s there? Show yourself.”
A bright pink pony bounced out from behind a tree. her head only came up to my waist, and her legs had to be spring loaded because of the way she continued bouncing like a pogo stick in front of me. The smile she wore was impossibly large. “Hiya, I’m Pinkie Pie, who’re you?”
“I’m the guy who’s going to send you back home,” I said as I approached her.
“Nuh-uh, your name is Derek and you’re going to be laughing when I tell you this next part,” she said brightly.
“Oh, and what’s that?” I said.
“Your computer’s on fire!”
I laughed. “You’re just trying to trick m-“ the smell of melting plastic caught my attention. I spun around and looked through my window only to see my cup of coffee had fallen over and leaked all over my computer. It was currently smoking. I ran inside and changed out the net for a fire extinguisher and sprayed my computer down.
The pink pony was standing at my doorway. “Oh, I’m sorry. But you did laugh.”
I glared at the pink thing. “I’m going to capture you!”
“You’re going to try,” she said as she bounced into the air. “Meep, meep!” once she hit the ground she sped off in a flash leaving only a pink trail hanging in the air behind her.
I stared after her. This was not how my day was supposed to go. Worst of all, I was going to have to call this in. I was going to get my butt chewed out for letting some pink pony right past my outpost, especially after my computer broke.
I grabbed my net, and walked outside. The trail she left behind hung in the air, but it was fading fast. If I wanted to keep my job, I only had one option. I gave chase.
It was probably a good fifteen minutes before I saw the trail of pink trail bounce into the air, up into a tree, and then back to the ground and back the way I had just come. I didn’t see her pass me, yet that’s where the trail was going. I didn’t have anything else to go on, so I headed back. The trail led right back to my outpost, and right back to the pink mare herself.
“Hiya, you’re a slowpoke, you know that?” She said with a wide grin.
I charged, swung my net down at her and watched as she slid out of the way. My net hit nothing but empty air and the pink mare only rolled her eyes at me. “You’re awful at this. You should really try to work on your capturing skills.”
I growled. “You won’t get away wi-“ I saw the saddlebags she was wearing. They were packed full of cartoon DVDs and games. “You’re a smuggler?”
“Yeppers. They call me, El Pinkie.” She jumped into the air spun around and bounced away. “See you next time, Derek.”
I shouted and attempted to give chase. She turned a corner around a tree and was gone. I looked around. No colored light, no giggles, no nothing. Just gone, as though she’d never been here. Yet I was left with so many questions. How did she get all that stuff already? How was she so fast? What was I supposed to do?
Once I got back inside I decided to chuck my broken computer out. I was surprised to find a gift wrapped box sitting on my bed. I read the card attached to it first.
“Sorry about your computer, it was an accident I’m sure. Maybe this will help out.
Until next time, El Pinkie”
I opened the package cautiously and found a brand new laptop beneath. It had to be at least a dozen times better than the old hunk of junk I was using. I don’t know what possessed the mad mare to help me, but this gift was going straight to one purpose. Research on El Pinkie.
***
It hadn’t been more than three days, yet I was prepared. So when I heard that familiar giggle, and saw the bright pink pony bounce back out from behind a tree I was already halfway out the door with my net. She took one look at me and beamed.
“Hello, El Pinkie,” I said coolly as I pushed a box with my foot into the front of the road. It was gift wrapped in pink wrapping with red hearts.
“Daw, you got me a present,” She said. She bounced over and I took a step back. She opened it to reveal a chocolate cake. Her eyes were glossy as she looked up at me. “You knew exactly what to get me too! Thank you.”
I smiled. “No problem.” My grip tightened around my net.
She opened her mouth impossibly wide. And I was horror struck as she managed to swallow the entire cake in one bite. For a moment I paused, staring. It only occurred to me as she was licking her lips that I was wasting time. So I swung my net down. Too late as the mare jumped back. My net hit the earth, still empty.
“Silly, Derek, you can’t catch me that easily, silly, Derek.”
“I will capture you!”
She turned to leave and I chased after her. Again I had no chance as she galloped so fast that my eyes couldn’t even track her. After that I went back to my outpost. I still had plan B.
I waited, and waited, and waited some more. Finally Pinkie reappeared, behind her she was dragging a cart of various electronics, paintings, pastries, and dozens of boxes of various candies. She winked at me as she walked right past. Of course I knew exactly how to stop her, or at least if what I read was true I did.
I cleared my throat and began to sing. “Ninety Nine bottles of Cider on the wall, Ninety Nine bottles of Cider. Take one down, pass it around, Ninety Eight bottles of Cider on the wall.”
I couldn’t have expected the look of utter surprise and joy that spread across her face as she jumped free from the wagon. “No human ever sings that with me! Ninety Eight bottles of cider on the wall. Ninety-“
I swung my net. She jumped, landed on my head and onto the roof of my outpost while still singing. “Take one down, pass it around, ninety seven bottles of cider on the wall!”
I continued chasing after her. Swinging my net. Yet every single time she would dodge, slide, or duck under my net. Still she sung. About halfway through the song I was too exhausted to keep up, yet she stayed there, singing all the way until she got the last lyric.
“No more bottles of cider on the wall!” She squealed with just as much excitement as she had with the first lyric.
I didn’t even bother to move my seat on the ground. She giggled went to her wagon and sped off. Again she and the wagon went behind the tree, and vanished completely. This was infuriating, how was I supposed to stop her?
***
Three more days went by. And I had one last strategy to catch her. It was risky, but I prayed that it would work. My job was resting on this after all.
She appeared, only this time I had already set everything up. Her giggle was interrupted as she saw all the balloons that were tied to and hanging from branches. A small table was sitting on the ground with a picnic table cloth and a large package on top. Just as I’d expected Pinkie Pie walked up to it, picked up the package, and beamed.
Of course what she didn’t see was the net underneath her. I put all my weight into pulling the rope and up she went. She hung there upside down staring at me. “You got me! Haha, that was a nice prank.”
I smiled. “Now I’ve g-“
Her body disassembled itself into about a hundred square chunks and fell through the netting. Once on the ground she reassembled herself and beamed up at me as though it was perfectly natural. I couldn’t believe what I had just seen. I spent so much time into this trap, and it failed even though it worked. She couldn’t be caught.
“You okay?” She asked as she trotted up to me.
I nearly dropped my net. “I just want to capture you.”
“Oh… I’m sorry.”
“I’m going to lose my job now!” I started pulling at my hair. “Why? Why won’t you just let me capture you? I don’t want to get fired.”
“Oh no, I don’t want you to be fired either. You’re my best friend on this side.”
“I’m your what?” I asked.
“You’re the only one who plays with me, you even got me cake! Anypony who buys cake for me is good in my book. And to Twilight’s surprise I have lots of them.”
“Of what, friends or books?”
“Yes.”
I leaned against the side of my outpost wall. “I… this sucks.”
She lowered her head and pawed at the earth. “I’m sorry. It’s really important that you catch me, huh?”
I didn’t even give her a response. This was hopeless. Completely hopeless. The only way I’d ever catch her was if she walked willingly into my net and-
Pinkie walked willingly into my net and peered up at me through the holes with wide and sad eyes. “Is this okay?”
I blinked, let go of the handle and sat down. “What?”
“Oh, I think you’re supposed to hold that if your capturing me,” Pinkie said.
I stared at her. “But… why?”
“You’re my friend, and you bought me cake, even after I keep getting you into trouble. I don’t want you to lose your job over me.”
For several long minutes we both sat there in silence. A pit formed in my gut. It was one thing to capture her on my own, but this pity capture was… it was wrong. I can’t really explain why, but somehow this pink mare had grown on me during out little rivalry. But if I turned her in, it would stop. She’d go home, be arrested, and have her memories of this place, and of me wiped. The thought of that happening hurt more than I card to admit.
“Pinkie,” I said quietly.
“Yeah? Derek?”
“Just… go home. I don’t feel like capturing you today.”
“But, but wouldn’t that-“
“Pinkie!” I snapped. She looked a little frightened and it made me feel bad. So I lowered my voice and tried to sound calm. “Please go home. You’ll get in trouble if you stay here. I don’t want you to be in trouble.”
She blinked, climbed out of the net and turned back the way she came. “You really do care. I knew you would be a good friend.”
I shrugged. “At least I have one now.”
Her bottom lip trembled. “I… if you want I could take you home with me. It’s really friendly over there.”
“Sorry, Pinkie. Too much color and happiness for my taste. I’ll be fine here. No one has ever caught you before, so I shouldn’t get into too much trouble. You are El Pinkie the smuggler after all.”
Pinkie Pie beamed at me. “I’ll bring you a present next time I come to visit.”
With that she bounced off, and disappeared behind her favorite tree. It was nearly ten minutes later before I finally got up. I knew what was coming for me. My boss probably would fire me. Then I’d never see Pinkie again. Part of me was happy not to have to try and capture her anymore, the other was sad about losing a new friend. Still, I had a question I had never been able to figure out.
I walked over to the tree and examined it. There was nothing special about the tree. Nothing behind it at all. All Pinkie ever did was walk behind it and presto, instantly Pinkie disappeared without fail... I walked behind it as if to demonstrate my point, at least to myself.
I looked around. I was now standing inside a loft with pink walls and a bed that was covered in stuff animals. Frosting decorated the staircase leading up to a balcony. A pile of different videogames and movies were sitting in a corner. Outside the sun was bright, warm and cheerful. I saw what I mistook to be a bird outside at first. It was not a bird, it was in fact a winged horse.
The pile of stuff animals exploded outward and Pinkie Pie jumped out at me. She knocked me over onto my back as she hugged me. “YOU CAME!”
I stared up at her, my eyes wide, my heart pounding. “Where am I?”
“Uh, you walked into my world, duh!”
“How do I get back?”
Pinkie grinned from ear to ear. “I have no idea!”
The End
