Brush Your Teeth,Or I'll Find You

by totallynotabrony

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Colgate, Comedy, Crossover, Human
Length: 1083

Colgate, of the British Dental Association, is rather more forward than most oral hygienists.

Colgate, of the British Dental Association, is rather more forward than most oral hygienists.

Published 2017-01-16 04:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-01-16 04:50:01 UTC

If you don't go to the dentist, the dentist will come to you

The Lynx helicopter thundered forward over the charred warzone below. The people here had been stripped of everything - food, water, electricity, medical care - yet still they fought.

Colgate sat with her feet hanging out the side door, staring morosely at the ground and ruined buildings passing by. Her rifle was slung across her knees, the rest of her gear hanging from her tactical vest. Another operation lay ahead, another mission to eliminate her most hated enemy.

"Two minutes to the LZ," called the pilot. Colgate gestured vaguely to show that she had heard. Her mind was elsewhere, already visualizing what she would do when her boots hit the ground.

The helicopter pulled up at the planned landing zone, rotor wash kicking up dust.

"Godspeed, ma'am!"

Colgate gave the pilot a half-salute and slipped out, landing in the dirt and holding her breath until the heli had gained altitude and turned away. Standing up, she took her bearings and moved off towards the objective.

The Shadowbolts, or whatever they were calling themselves now, did not have following the rules as a high priority. There were certain things that people had to do if they wanted to be responsible.

The building in the distance appeared to be heavily guarded. Colgate paused at the ridgeline, studying the situation through binoculars. She was going to have to get down there undetected and gain entry.

She cocked her head, hearing footsteps getting closer. Stealthily, she edged back from her position, circling around from where she'd been.

A guard came walking through, seeming unconcerned. A lack of concern was what had gotten him in this position to begin with, and Colgate had no sympathy. She approached from behind, grimacing at his foul breath, which she could smell even from meters away.

Alerted by something, the guard turned, spotting her instantly. Colgate leaped forward, smacking the muzzle of his AK-47 away. She wound up and drove a fist towards his mouth like a meteor. "If you don't take care of your teeth, perhaps you don't deserve to have them!"

She slammed a wad of pleasantly-scented sugar-free chewing gum past his lips and then gave him an uppercut to the chin, slamming his teeth shut. She gabbed his face and worked his jaws open and closed, forcing him to chew.

Was it really that much of a problem to take care of one's own teeth? Colgate couldn't understand why the Shadowbolts had to disregard so many basic rules. Well, she was here to correct that.

The guard would be occupied for a while, and wouldn't be able to call out with his mouth busy. With him taken care of, Colgate moved on. She made her way down the hill towards the building, moving at a low crouch. Evening was coming on now and there were more shadows to help conceal her.

The guard patrolling in front of the door Colgate had to enter looked bored. Occasionally he would pause and run his tongue around his mouth, as if he was trying to loosen something.

Colgate slipped closer, and picked up a small stone. Hiding around the corner in the shadows, she tossed the rock out.

There was an audible, "Huh?" at the sound, followed by footsteps.

Colgate removed a small spool of high strength nylon cord from her vest and wrapped it securely around her hands for grip, pulling it tight.

The guard swung around the corner and pulled up short at the sight of her perfect white teeth flashing in the darkness. That was an instant before she leaped at him, hands and cord out ahead of her.

She got it around his throat before he could cry out. "There, there," she said as he struggled against his air supply being cut off. "It's not even as bad as a little pinch."

He struggled once more, then fell still. Once he was out and lying limply, she pried his mouth open and stuffed her gloved hands inside, working the thread between each of his teeth. It was much easier since the threat of getting her fingers bitten was reduced with a comatose patient.

That taken care of, Colgate got up and moved around the front of the building. She raised her rifle and fired a long automatic burst that completely obliterated the door handle.

Kicking the door open, Colgate rushed in. There was one man immediately in front of her, and much closer than she had anticipated. The Union Jack patch on her uniform and the sterilized stainless steel equipment on her vest told him everything he needed to know.

He already had his hands up to fight and Colgate was forced to go to close quarters. She grabbed a toothbrush out of the equipment loops on her vest, slamming into the man. Both of them hit the ground, but Colgate came out on top.

"I heard someone has been a naughty boy," Colgate growled as the two of them grappled across the floor.

The handle of the toothbrush had been sharpened in the manner of a prison shiv and Colgate swung it down into the tinfoil cover of a single-use package of toothpaste. She slathered the bristles with it and jammed the toothbrush into his mouth.

Savagely, she brushed his teeth, making sure to get all the way to the back. Plaque flaked off disgustingly as the brush polished his enamel.

"I do hope you like it minty," Colgate remarked, still forcing the brush deeper and harder. She even went so far as to do a quick surface scrub on his tongue and gums.

He tried to get up when the brush came out, but Colgate forced him back down, pulling out a bottle of Listerine with the other hand. She popped the cap off, took a swig, swished, and then spit it across the room, before jamming the spout of the bottle against his mouth.

If anything, this got even more of a reaction out of him. He was trying to scream. That would probably be the burn of the ethanol in the mouthwash.

She let him up enough so that he could turn his head and spit, coughing as he tried to expel the toothpaste suds and dirtied mouthwash.

He raised a hand and felt inside his mouth, pulling his fingers away with blood on them.

She glared at him coldly. "It's because you don't floss."

Author's Note