Perilous. That was the only word to describe what she was considering. She’d briefly tried dangerous, but that wasn’t quite accurate. Neither was foolhardy or brash. While they weren’t exactly wrong, they also weren’t completely correct. No, the word she had decided on was perilous. It conveyed an importance in her task, one which wasn’t unwarranted. It wasn’t quite dangerous, assuming she made no mistakes in her calculations the risks to herself were slim to none.
Of course, if she had miscalculated or misread the situation, then even the word dangerous wasn’t quite adequate anymore. Then it would be down right dreadful. Yes, there were risks, but they had been mitigated. Perhaps she could have researched more, but she had researched enough to come to her conclusion. She knew what needed to be done, and she alone had the will to do it.
Twilight smirked, swirling the potion slowly as she pondered her perilous predicament. No one else would be able to accomplish this for many reasons. They’d lack the knowledge, they’d lack the ability, and they’d lack the force of will coupled with the fortitude required to go through with this. Of course, they’d also lack the motives, the underlying cause of this whole fiasco.
Secretly, Twilight had always been a simple mare. Simple at least in her motivations. She strove to succeed not for her own glory, but for that of her mentor. She grew up and grew powerful not for her own benefit, but for that of her princess. Her teacher, her idol, and her reason for living itself was Celestia. Ever since she'd seen that first Summer Sun celebration as a filly, Twilight had known without a doubt that her purpose was to serve Celestia.
Twilight had risen from the masses to serve her, and in the process had become a tool worthy of the gods. Celestia had used her, and to great effect. Twilight’s intellect had been turned against malcontents, creatures that threatened their land, and even some of the other gods. Twilight had been an excellent tool, and had been proud to be used as such by a being as perfect as Celestia.
But now things were different. Twilight lived to serve her princess, but she also harbored a secret. It was the kind of thing that was impossible, a desire she’d never pursue. Her whole life, since she was just a small filly, she’d been enamored by Princess Celestia. Over the years, that admiration had grown into something more—a full on crush.
Twilight dared to think that perhaps the term crush didn’t do it justice. It was more than that, it was the fire that warmed her at night, the engine that drove her towards each discovery and victory. Dare she even call it love?
She might not even call it unrequited. Celestia loved all her little ponies, and Twilight was sure that Celestia loved her as well. But this fire that burned in her soul demanded more than the blasé love of a leader for their people, or even the holy love of a goddess for the faithful. No, her fire could only be quenched by the selfish consummation of everything the goddess stood for. It hungered for the love of the physical, the carnal devotion of one who would be perfect for the rest of eternity.
Twilight smirked at the potion, swirling it around once more. Perhaps lust was a more accurate term for her feelings than love. Celestia already knowingly had her love, what she hungered for was something far more shameful and selfish.
Twilight’s smirk slowly died as the potion swirled and glowed bright blue for a moment. All of that would have been fine. She could have lived like that, grown old in the shadow of her mentor and stealing quiet surreptitious glances when no one was observing—feeding those memories to her hungry fire during the cold and lonely nights for a moment of carnal warmth. Twilight would have been content to live like that. But something had changed, something that Twilight had been forced to address.
Luna had left the castle, and was exploring the world. With it, she was exploring relationships as well. This was all well and good, Twilight respected the younger goddess, but certainly was not her faithful student. Twilight had appeased Luna's curiosity because she wasn’t inherently a mean pony and because she knew it would please Celestia.
Luna had wanted to be friends, something that Twilight was happy to reciprocate. They had comfortably been fast friends for many moons now. Unfortunately, everything had changed last night. Luna had come for her nightly visit to chat and things had taken a turn towards Twilight’s hidden fire. She hadn’t been sure what to do; so had sent Luna away with single kiss, and the promise of an answer come the next night.
Twilight had hidden her feelings well during the encounter, but could not do it again. The reality of the situation was that she had been disgusted and terrified. Her first kiss was stolen by the night when it was meant for the day! Her heart barely understood the swirling emotions that had plagued her after. Luna didn’t deserve to make her feel that way, Luna didn’t deserve to make her blush and sweat. A cold fury, and a sick stomach visited her when she thought of Luna.
But Twilight had been torn. Luna wasn’t a bad pony, far from it, and she certainly was attractive in her own way. More importantly, Luna was Celestia’s sister. While the alabaster goddess of purity clearly had no desires for the carnal, it was unfortunately obvious that the ebony duplicate of a corrupted sister would.
Twilight’s face fell into a frown. She hadn’t known what to do, and hadn’t slept. At first light, she asked the one pony who would know how to handle the situation. Of course, she couldn’t put everything in the letter, so she had simplified things. She should have known obfuscating the details was pointless, Celestia would not be tricked.
Dear Princess Celestia,
I’m sorry to disturb you so early, but I have an important question for you—one that I have contemplated all night without much success. I’m torn right now between a pony that I love very much, and one that I respect and trust as a friend. The pony that I love will never love me the same way, and I feel as though they will never acknowledge me in the manner I desire to be. Additionally, my friend is important to me so I do not wish to hurt them, but I do not feel for them the same way I feel for the pony that I love.
My question is simple, but the answer is complex. Which should I pursue? The one who will never return my desires, but I love with my heart and soul, or the pony I trust and respect who is clearly interested in me? Both answers leave some part of me empty, and even as I write I am confounded, frustrated, and in no small part afraid.
I’m sorry to waste your time with such a personal question, but I need to come to a decision quick, or risk hurting somepony and I fear only your insight can help me.
Your Faithful Student,
Twilight Sparkle
She had hoof written the note and had Spike send it post haste. She barely had time to contemplate if she had made the right choice asking her mentor or not before receiving a written response.
Dearest Twilight Sparkle,
I’m glad you thought to write to me for such an important question. I always enjoy being a larger part of my little ponies lives. Unfortunately, I must answer your question in two parts. The first bit of advice I have to give is as your mentor.
Attraction and love are quite fleeting things for young ponies such as yourself. They can be lost and cultivated, neglected, and collected. You may feel love for more than one pony, and attraction to more than one pony as well. It is quite natural. I’d advise you explore the possibility of cultivating love where you can find it and exploring attraction to see what it is that you like in a pony. You might be surprised as time goes on and your tastes change.
A pony that you once thought to be impeccable could grow to be romantically repulsive. Conversely, someone who was uninteresting before could grow to be the perfect match as you grow in time and taste. Take every opportunity to explore and grow, my little pony. Don’t let an unrequited attraction hold you back from a chance to find out more about yourself.
The second bit of advice I have to give is another matter entirely. You are dear to me, Twilight Sparkle. But think long and hard before you give your answer to my little sister. I am not demanding you choose her, only advising you that if you intend to turn her down, do so gently. She has spent the last few weeks talking of nothing but you, and this past night she was overjoyed—I was hardly allowed to sleep at all. While I don’t mind losing sleep for a happy little sister, I will be most cross at the source if I lose sleep for a distraught little sister.
Of course, it is your life and I will not wish you ill if you do not choose her. I do not doubt that Luna shall feel the same given time. As an older sister all I can ask from you is to be gentle with my precious Luna, my faithful student.
With love,
Celestia
Twilight had read the letter several times, and each time the message was clear. She would not fail her princess, she had only one choice. At first she had been distraught at the heavy handed message, but over time had decided that it wasn’t as bad as that. No, it was an opportunity. It would be a chance to feed her fire, to fuel her desires, and to impress and serve her princess in a way that no other pony could. No one could hope to match what she would do.
Princess Celestia had no carnal desires, but Luna and Twilight did. Twilight was just as impure as Luna, all Twilight had to do to experience it would be to take Luna’s offer. Of course, the feeling of disgust she’d had last night after the kiss wouldn’t do. The thought of how she'd feel after any true debauchery with the night was disheartening. Twilight simply couldn't face it, not without assistance.
Twilight swirled the potion one more time, watching the blue glow fade into light amber as the reaction took place. She levitated a dark blue feather that had been carelessly left on her bed from the night before. Twilight smirked. Luna should be more careful, body parts made dangerously powerful spell components. Twilight would be sure to warn her after their flames became one. The feather fell slowly into the test tube, melting into the concoction inside. Twilight was absorbed in her thoughts as she watched.
The night would have her body and her soul, by the command of the day. Twilight could accept that logically, she just needed to accept it emotionally. Hence, the potion. She had spent all day researching , and the last few hours brewing. The potion should be ready by nightfall. In some ways, taking the potion would be a relief. But then again, death was always some sort of relief.
The potion would kill her attraction, kill her devotion, kill her desire for Celestia and replace it with a pre-kindled flame for Luna. It was the ultimate sacrifice. Twilight swallowed dryly, watching it bubble and glow as it turned a soft red. Celestia wanted her sister to have Twilight, so Twilight would serve her. Twilight would become Luna’s everything. And Luna would be willing to indulge her, to fuel her fire in a way that Celestia never would. Every pony would win.
Twilight blinked back her fear as the potion frothed. She should be afraid, fear was useful. It was keeping her in a perilous situation instead of a dangerous one. She dared not risk betraying the crown, nor did she dare to risk her own sanity. Ponies had gone mad attempting potions like this. But she had done it right.
The potion pulsed green.
Hadn’t she?
The potion wouldn’t create love where there was none, and the potion wouldn’t create the illusion of it either. Both of those would appear to work in the short term, but would be disastrous in the long run. All the potion did was swap two variables in Twilight’s mind. That could be accomplished safely, effectively, and permanently; at least she hoped.
The trick was to ensure that the variables were only swapped as necessary instead of everywhere. It wouldn’t do any good to forever mix up Celestia and Luna. Instead, their relationships would flip. Celestia would become her friend, and Luna would become whatever it was that Celestia was to her. She would still dutifully serve Celestia, only because Luna would desire it, but that would be enough. Celestia had never asked her for more than that would require.
Twilight watched the swirling potion, and noted the ticking clock. It was almost sunset, and she had a visitor coming. Assuming perilous didn’t become disastrous, tonight would be a welcome reprieve from her lonely nights.
Twilight smiled, a cold sweat forming on her forehead. Questions irked her, unwilling to relinquish her mind from their iron grasp. Was this right? Was it crazy? Was she ready to experience the death of her first love, and the birth of another? She wafted fumes over from the potion, taking a deep breath of it. It smelled of decay, and of life. Terrible burnt feathers mixed with a soothing mint. It was both revolting and intoxicating. It was her future.
She had created something that others had attempted hundreds of times before, all failures. But she would be successful. She had never failed her princess, and she never would. Twilight noticed the setting sun, through her basement window. She was out of time.
She toasted her mentor one last time as the final rays of sunshine slipped into the murky twilight. “I love you.”
The potion was sweet and didn’t burn as it went down, but for some reason her eyes were still wet.
