“Harold, breakfast is ready!”

Harold opened his eyes slowly, then shot them open. He dashed to the mirror, and noted that he looked a little pale, which caused him to literally shake just a little bit. Instantly the color returned to his face.

“That was weird,“ said Harold to himself, “I may need to find a job if I want to avoid having that dreaded skin color. At the very least I should find an excuse to go outside. “

Harold picked at his melanoma as he walked down the royal stairs, to the royal foyer, and entered the royal kitchen.

“Hello Harold, how was your sleep?” asked a grinning Twilight with her syrup-covered mouth. She was seated at the end of the table opposite him, every part of her body obscured except her wide- eyed face, by a giant stack of pancakes with a side of-

“BACON!” screamed Harold, his body starting to literally shake right now, “you mean to tell me you sick freaks eat meat?”

Twilight eyed Harold warily and pointed at the bacon, her hoof coming out from behind her behemoth breakfast.

“Of course not Harold, we're ponies, silly,” said Twilight, “The bacon is made out of hay.”

Harold stopped shaking immediately and grinned.

“Well alrighty then, “ Harold chimed as he sat down at the table.

“Spike should be in with your breakfast soon. I'm glad you don't eat meat, that saves us some trouble,” garbled Twilight through a mouthful of succulent fluffy disks of cake, “I hope you don't mind me prying, but you're rather skittish, has a doctor ever diagnosed you with anxiety?”

“No, I did.”

“You did what?”

“I diagnosed myself.”

“You're a doctor?”

“No I-”

“Pancakes are all ready,” said Spike as he carried two plates of pancakes and hay bacon.

Harold sniffed his breakfast, enjoying the scent of maple, hay, and...meat? No, couldn't be, ponies don’t eat meat. Harold squinted and pushed his nose closer to his plate.

Sniff

No, the scent wasn't coming from his plate. It couldn't be Twilight, she doesn't eat meat. But lizards do.

Harold leaned over and shoved his nose towards Spike’s plate, taking a huge sniff as Twilight and Spike stared, nonplussed.

“YOUR BACON IS MADE OF MEAT!” screamed Harold in Spike’s face.

“Well yeah,” interjected Twilight, “Spike is a dragon. Meat contains vital nutrients he literally needs to survive.”

“B-b-b-But don't you know animals die when you eat them?” cried Harold.

“Well actually Spike used to eat bugs, but I found that to be disgusting. Now we recycle some of our aborted young by feeding it to him.”

I found that notion to be highly offensive, and frankly I think it ruined an otherwise cute, amateur attempt at social commentary.

^Yeah nice try idiot, you can't try to escape criticism by ironically being politically ignorant.

^Wow man, way to lampshade.

“Gasp,” gasped Harold, “abortions and recycling? Those are my favorite hobbies!”

Harold sat back down and dug into his now mostly soggy breakfast, while Twilight dabbed at the corners of her mouth with her handkerchief, leaving globs of sticky syrup still stuck to the top and bottom of her mouth.

“By the way Twilight, “ mumbled Harold through a mouthful of succulent fluffy pancakes “I need to get outside a lot, do you have a suggestion for a job or some things to do throughout the day if I decide to be a government leech?”

“Hmm, well Apple Jack could probably use a hand on the farm. And farms are outside!” chuckled Twilight.

“Hmm, sounds neat, I'll give it a shot.”

“But my joke about hands.”

“Alright let's go!” said Harold once he’d finished his meal. So he and Twilight headed off to Cute Apple Acres to get Harold a job.

“Hi AppleJack, it's me, Twilight,” yelled Twilight at her friend, “this is my new friend Harold! HE'S AN ALIEN WHOAAAAA!”

“Ah’m pleased ta meet ya.” said AppleJack as she extended a hoof.

Harold immediately broke out in hives.

“Uh, are ya ok...Harold raight?”

“Sorry,” said Harold as he took an antihistamine, “I’ve been self-diagnosed with an allergy toward southern accents.”

“That's- “

“So like, are you a huge bigot?”

“Pardon?” asked AppleJack, feeling a bit overstimulated mentally.

“AppleJack really doesn't differ from myself politically all that much. She is adamantly supportive towards pro-farm legislation, while I am moderately supportive of pro-farm legislation. That's about it.”

“It's caused so many fights.” moaned AppleJack forlornly.

“Anyway, AppleJack , Harold is new here, and he needs a job that has him outdoors for whatever reason. You think he could help you with anything?”

“Sure, It's not like I'm barely getting by on a good season of cider, I obviously have the money to support this potentially useless stranger, follow me, Harold.”

So Harold and AppleJack trudged down the path toward the barn, squinting suspiciously at each other the whole time.

“So an idiot might have you pick apples, but those hands of yours are much better for cleaning up shit. Shovel up all this pig manure and toss it in the compost heap.” grunted AppleJack, showing Harold the shovel he’d be using.

Once AppleJack left him to his devices, Harold began devising a master plan.

There's no way this country bumpkin is as progressive as Twilight says, I'll get her to slip up, somehow.

Harold slithered his way through the manure field and over to AppleJack's house, sneaking in through an open window. He tiptoed his way through the large house, reaching the door to the basement.

“There's probably a gay in here being held prisoner.”

He snuck down the stairs and peeked into the basement, only to see an almost empty concrete room with only three apples on the floor.

Harold scratched his head and walked up the stairs, only to run into Big Mac and AppleJack.

“What’re you doin’ in here?” asked AppleJack angrily.

Unfortunately for her, Harold had a contingency plan, and immediately started making out with Big Macintosh.

“Mmm Mwah mwah mwah,” kissed Harold, “I'm kissing another man, AppleJack, am I fired yet you bigoted homophobe?”

“Stop making out on the job and shovel shit,” cried AppleJack.

“You don't care that I'm gay kissing your brother?”

“I mind that yer not outside doin’ what I done told ya ta do.”

Harold grinned and went back outside.

“I can't believe it, even the rednecks here won't fire me for being fake gay. I must be in heaven.” chirped Harold while he shoveled shit onto the Compost Heap.

After a few hours, Harold had shoveled all the shit. He wiped his brow and marveled at his disgusting job.

“Well I'll be farmed, you did pretty well.” said AppleJack.

“Yeah, any other jobs for me, or am I off for the day?”

“Get it? I said farmed instead of darned. Oh well, yer done fer the day.”

Harold fucked off back to Twilight’s house.

“Hey Twilight stop raping Spike.”

“Men can't be raped, and I'm not even doing anything.”

“God I love this place. Any other recommendations?”

“Oh, I guess we could go to Pinkie’s.”

So Harold and Twilight dawdled their way to Sugarcube Corner, with only periodical questions from wary citizens.

“They seem to be taking this whole ‘new species’ thing quite well.”

“Well when your entire town is under constant turmoil you stop sweating the small stuff. Daisy’s house has come to life and tried to smash her to death. Like she'd care about some new guy being escorted around.”

“I guess that makes sense.”

“We also have a ‘no racism’ policy. So people pretty much just avoid immigrants altogether. “

“Racism is illegal here?” asked Harold excitedly.

“Not illegal per se, but if you post so much as one mean thing online that could be considered racist, sexist, or really offensive at all there are social consequences.”

“Interesting.”

Twilight nodded and pulled in front to open the door to Sugarcube Corner.

Immediately Harold was assaulted with an otherworldly amount of streamers. Triggered and suffering from multiple panic attacks. Harold literally shaked as a pink blur raped his personal bubble.

"Hi, I'm Pinkie Pie, and oh my gosh your tall! what's your name, do you like parties, I should throw you a party. Do you like cupcakes, Huh, Huh, Huh?!!"

Harold fell to the ground curling into a ball as tears of fear drippled down his face. Think happy thoughts, Harold mentally thought. As he envisioned his girlfriend being railed by a disenfranchised person of colour. Above him the pink horse had paused to take in the shaking man.

"uhh is he okay, is he hurt, oh my gosh should I call for someone?" Pinkie asked tilting her head.

"No he is just having a hard time trying to cope with everything that has happened." Twilight replied gently prodding the prone man who was prone.

Harold who was half way in his fantasy felt his world freeze as he heard one of his 300 trigger words. The word "cope" echoed around his head as the closet he was hiding in turned grainy, losing all colour. Suddenly no longer was his beloved plus sized Lard arsed girlfriend being ravaged by a noble person of colour but instead was being literally raped by Donald Trump. His tiny hands grabbing her as he whispered sweet nothings about embargos on China and building walls. His promises to deport minorities bringing Harold to his knees.

"You will never win Orange Hitler" Harold Ejaculated. Donald Trump turning with a sinister smile.

"First I'll get the Russians to hack your democracy ensuring that I continue to win. Then I'll declare war on the gays and the Mexicans and China. And there is nothing you can do to stop me" Donald declares his pants around his ankles as he continues to literally depower his strong feminist, vegan, 'buzzwords' girlfriend.

"Witness my power! Grabber of 1000 Pussies!" Trump calls out whilst gesticulating. From behind, Tiny Ben Shapiro appears. A powerful glint in his eye as Harold is blasted backwards by the man's shout of "facts don't care about your feelings." Harold recoils his only weakness logic and facts as well as hazelnuts. Defeated he can only watch as his beloved Ford escort sized xirfriend is ravished by the orange menace.

"N-n-not my president" he weakly moaned as he found himself back in the real world the two horses looking at him with confusion. Pinkie gently poking him with a stick as Twilight tried to get the shaking human back on his feet. Nightmarish visions of Christians and unlicenced Nintendo emulators haunting his visage. Weakly getting back to his feet Harold accepted a glass of milk from Pinkie taking a sip as his eyes narrowed.

"Uh is this vegan approved milk?" Harold questioned his hands shaking as Pinkie cocked her head to the side.

"i'm not sure about Vegan approved, but the cows happily allow Apple horse to milk them in exchange for apples if that helps." Twilight interjected her face grimacing as Harold hands redoubled their shaking. For he had tunned out most of what she had said. His mind fixating on the fact that poor innocent poor cows had been violated for their milk. His breath coming out in ragged pants as the glass slips from his grasp. he had consumed non vegan milk, he was an accessory in the suffering of bovines. Harold felt another trigger® coming on.

Today was going to be a long day. Twilight mentally sighed watching the man spasm on the ground. Pinkie redoubling her poking with a stick approach.

Author's Note

This story was mostly finished and I decided to just throw shit at the wall and see what stuck. Enjoy or don't, fuck you.