A Voice Like Water

My name is Zeeslang. Or you can call me Zee. Of course, that's not my real name, but it seemed fitting.
Anyway, I was given an offer to go to paradise and I took it. I never looked back. Here's my story. I regret nothing!

I was in a bar, a normal night of singing and dancing. And by singing and dancing, I mean singing and enjoying the free drinks I got for it. I performed at that bar quite regularly in those days, it was quiet, free drinks for performers, the people enjoyed good music. Although it was alot more crowded than I was used to that night. I practically couldn't hear my own thoughts with all the chatter. 'Well, can't keep 'em waiting'

I climbed up on stage and addressed the pub:

"Hey, big crowd out here tonight. Explains why I couldn't find a frickin' parking space."

Titters.

"Anyway, you guys didn't come to hear me talk, did you? So without further ado, gotta love that Billy Joel!"

Andrew, my pianist, started fiddling with the piano. I took a deep breath and sang.

It's nine o'clock on a Saturday,

The regular crowd shuffles in.

There's an old man sitting next to me,

Makin' love to his tonic and gin.

He says, Son can you play me a memory?

I'm not really sure how it goes,

But it's sad and it's sweet and I knew it complete,

When I wore a younger man's clothes.

La la la de de da.

la la de de da da dum.

Sing us a song, you're the piano man!

Sing us a song tonight,

Well, we're all in the mood for a melody,

And you've got us feelin' alright!

Now John at the bar is a friend of mine,

He gets me my drinks for free. (He gave me a thumbs-up, "You know it!")

And he's quick with a joke or to light up your smoke,

But there's someplace that he'd rather be.

He says, 'Bill, I believe this is killing me,'

As the smile ran away from his face,
'
Well I'm sure that I could be a movie star,

If I could get out of this place'

La la la de de da.

la la de de da da dum.

Now, Paul is a real estate novelist,

Who never had time for a wife,

And he's talking with Davy,

Who's still in the navy,

And probably will be for life.

And the waitress is practicing politics,

As the businessmen slowly get stoned,

Yes, they're sharing a drink they call loneliness,

But it's better than drinking alone!

Sing us a song, you're the piano man!

Sing us a song tonight.

Well, we're all in the mood for a melody,

And you've got us feelin' alright!

It's a pretty good crowd for a Saturday,

And the manager gives me a smile,
'
Cause he knows that it's me they've been coming to see, (He laughed, "You wish!")

To forget about life for awhile.

And the piano sounds like a carnival,

And the microphone smells like a beer,

And they sit at the bar and put bread in my jar,

And say "Kid, what are you doin' here?"

La la la de de da.

la la de de da da dum.

Sing us a song, you're the piano man!

Sing us a song tonight.

Well, we're all in the mood for a melody,

And you've got us feelin' alright!

After a three-song set, I took a break, got a Rum and Coke at the bar, and sat on one of the stools to give my pipes a well-deserved rest. After getting attuned to the mindless chatter of our patrons, I noticed something that disturbed me greatly.

Crying.

Yeah, I'm a big softie. I just can't stand people crying. When I hear broken sobs, my paternal instincts kick in, and I just need to do something about it. Sue me. I set my drink back on the bar and set out into the crowd. It didn't take
me long to find what I was looking for.

Mijn heer, she was beautiful. Her hair was like night, so black it was almost blue, tiny specks of glitter like stars. It looked like it was flowing in some unseen wind. Wait, I'm not that drunk, am I? She was wearing a black leather outfit that hugged her body like a second skin, and it was adorned with little badges everywhere. Strange. Her face was indescribably beautiful. And wet.

"Hey." I sat down across from her. She looked up but didn't answer. There aren't many people on this earth who still look pretty when they cry, but she was one of them. Dainty little tears flowed down her perfect face, over quivering, fragile lips, where they wiggled hesitantly before falling gently to the table, where they joined their sisters in silent testament to their mistresses misery. God, I'm feeling poetic today.

I tried again. "What's such a pretty young thing like you doing, being sad on a night like tonight?"

"It's not fair!" She cried, literally and figuratively.

Of course. "What isn't fair?"

"They started the game without me! Now, even my sister is talking about playing! What am I supposed to do? I'll never be able to find someone nice enough to play with me!" She started sobbing with renewed vigor, putting her head down on the table. Now, I couldn't let such a beautiful girl be sad when there was something I could do about it, so I said something that would change my life forever.

"I'll play with you."

She jumped up, instantly excited. "You will? Ooh, the fun has been doubled!"

Before I was done comprehending that reference, she grabbed my hand and started dragging me to the back exit. I quickly called to the manager over my shoulder, "Mike! My break is gonna be a bit longer than I expected!"

He winked. "Take pictures!"

How does she even know where the back door is? As far as I know, the only person who even uses this door is Andrew, when he needs to take a smoke break. She pushed the door open and we found ourselves in the alleyway behind the bar. The mystery girl let go of my hand and turned to me, an expectant look on her face.

I decided to start. "So, what's this game you wanted to- mpff!"

I was interupted by an inexperienced pair of lips smashing into mine. She ran her tongue over my lips, then penetrated them, probing my teeth, and focusing especially on my cuspids and incisors. Her hands felt my butt and ran over the base of my spine, as if searching for something. Then she broke the kiss, as if nothing had happened. I licked the excess saliva from my lips, giving her my best 'What the hell?' look.

"Is that the game you wanted to play?" I asked when I was done cleaning my lips. It would've been rude to wipe it off.

"Sorry, no. I just wanted to know what it feels like."

"Vloek. You mean, that was your first?"

"Well, yes and no..."

"...Go on."

"Well, it wasn't my first ever, but my first as a human. I just wanted to know what a human kiss felt like."

"So that wasn't the game." Even crazy people need someone to talk to.

"No. I need to make sure you're strong enough before you play the game." Her eyes suddenly widened and she pointed a finger over my shoulder. "Look behind you!"

I turned to look and saw a man in a trench coat and goggles. I couldn't see much more than that, it was dark in the alley, and he was silhouetted by the only streetlamp. He had a gun pointed at me. I moved over to protect the girl with my body.

"Give me your wallet and the girl and you leave with your life."

"Not likely, klootzak. Finders keepers. And if you try to shoot me, That guy behind you will see." He didn't look back, but he stiffened, as if debating whether or not to. That was all I needed. In that single moment of hesitation, I dashed forward and grabbed his gun arm, then, using that forward momentum, wrenched it behind him, dislocating his shoulder.

"OW! FUCK! I'll kill you, you bastard!"

"Well, now you've used foul language in front of a lady. Perhaps you need a lesson in etiquette?" I brought an elbow down into his arm, breaking it. Using this distraction, I yanked the gun from his grip and pushed him to the ground. I dropped the clip from the gun and pulled the hammer, rendering it temporarily useless. I threw it aside.

"Now, you can stand up and fight me like a man, or you can run away with your tail between your legs like the laf varken you are. Your choice, either way, I win."

The dark man just chuckled, when by all rights he should be writhing in pain. "You have confidence in your abilities, then?"

"As well I should. Ex-police. I know how to dispatch a threat."

"Ex-police?" This is some crazy hekserij right here. He should have passed out from pain by now, and here he was, talking to me like we were having a friendly chat in some coffee shop.

"Ja. I resigned because I wanted to further my singing career. You can see how well that worked out." I gestured toward the bar and the alley in general. Indeed, I had quit law enforcement to get into show business, and it came back to bite me in the aars. Now I was almost broke and barely getting by with the petty cash I made in some pub that was rich with personality, but not with geld. I knew I could do so much better.

"Well, that settles it!" The girl suddenly piped up. She snapped her fingers once and the dark man disappeared in a puff of smoke.

"Jezus Christ!" I knew it! Hundreds of girls in this city, and I always get the crazy gypsies! I whipped out my rosary and thrust it at her.

"De kracht van Christus dwingt u, de kracht van Christus dwingt u!" I shouted, hoping to ward her off. She just raised an eyebrow and waited for me to calm down. Eventually I ran out of breath. Even with a singer's lung capacity, righteous chanting is hard to sustain for extended periods of time.

"Are you done?" She actually sounded a little worried about me, panting like I was.

"Ja, (pant) Sorry, (pant) I guess I overreacted. Adrenaline." I tucked the cross back into my shirt, satisfied. Gypsy or not, no servant of Satan could withstand the full force of a tiny silver Jesus on a chain. I decided to hear what she had to say.

Now that I was calm, she continued. She pulled a pair of round, shiny sunglasses out of her generous cleavage and put them on. "What if I told you that I could help you live your dream? I have powerful connections in a land far from here. You could start over, live your life anew. I could make you what you always wanted to be."

"Is that why you brought me here? For a foreign record deal?" I've done this whole shebang before, it's what brought me to America in the first place. See how well that went? Land of Oppurtunity my aars.

"No. You're here because you feel it. You've felt it since the day you were born, that there's something wrong with this world. You don't know what it is, but it's there. Like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me."

"You dragged me out here." I deadpanned.

"Unfortunately, no one can be told what Equestria is like. You have to see it for yourself." Once again she reached into her cleavage, only this time, she pulled out a small silver box. This, she opened, and then dropped two capsules into her hands.

"This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. If you take the blue pill-" She opened her left hand, revealing a tiny blue pill. "The story ends, you wake up at the bar and believe, whatever you want to believe. If you take the rainbow pill-" She opened her right hand, and in it was a multicolored tablet. "We go to Equestria, and I show you how deep the plothole goes."

I saw my two choices reflected in her glasses: Blue, or Rainbow. There was only one choice. "Remember, all I offer you is a chance, nothing more." I took my pill and swallowed it with a glass of water she pulled out of nowhere. I heard thunder from somewhere. If I end up in The Matrix, I'm gonna be pissed.

"I never caught your name, Fraai."

She smiled coyly. "Call me Luna."

Before I could reply to this, she jumped back suddenly. "I've been wanting to do this ever since I got here," She drew her arm back, "FALCON... PAAAWWWWNNNNCH!"

With a gout of fire and the cry of a falcon, I was gone.