A Voice Like Water

I rolled my shoulders, and cracked my neck, then bounced a few times to get familiar with the weight I was carrying. When I was comfortable I licked my lips and began.

"Geef me een uitdaging."

The diamond dog charged me. In a single movement I pulled out my spear and used it to bat his sword aside. I then bullrushed him and impaled him on it, letting go of the spear at just the right moment so he fell backwards and balanced on the shaft like a demented Christmas tree.

I yanked my dagger out of its sheath and taunted my attackers. "A Diamond Dog? C'mon, be creative, I can take it!"

I heard a roar behind me and turned to find myself face to face with a bull manticore. "That's what I'm talkin' about!" With a quick swipe of the dagger, I slashed the beast across both eyes, then ducked under it's flailing paws. Sidestepping around it, I stabbed it once at the base of the tail, then twice in the back of the neck, silencing it. Yet another Diamond Dog tried to catch me unawares. He fired his net gun once, and while he was trying to reload, I slithered up to him, slit his gut open, spilling entrails everywhere, then buried the dagger in his eye.

"Verrek. I stabbed too hard." Indeed, I had gotten the short blade stuck in the bone.

Now, I was weaponless. They would try to finish me off.

As if on cue, a massive magenta dragon landed not fifty feet from me. It reminded me of something.

Mentally preparing myself, I took an absolutely gargantuan breath, my sides billowing out like sails. I could feel the stored power reverberating in my chambers, stretching my ribs almost to the point of pain. When I was sure my magically enhanced lungs couldn't hold any more, I let loose, the gases flowing over my vocal cords and giving them shape.

"JOOR ZAH FRUL!" I could see the air ripple in front of me as the force of my voice lashed at the dragon. Saying she flinched would be an understatement. The force rocked her sideways, her head swinging like a giant clocks pendulum. Now, generally, in my upright stance I use most of the time, I don't move very fast, but if I use my whole body, I can gain a lot of speed in a short amount of time. I dashed to her side and, I don't know how, I don't know why, and if you asked me to repeat it, I doubt I could, but somehow, I JUMPED onto her back. I then wrapped my tail around her throat and began resolutely choking her. She was dying, but not fast enough. I just wanted to get this over with. My maw opened and bit down on her neck. Hard. She screamed like a banshee, so I increased the pressure, severing her spine. The massive creature fell to the ground, throwing up a fountain of dust. I flopped off her and slithered away as she disintegrated into shards of magenta glass before fading into oblivion. I spread my arms as I spun in a slow circle:

"ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?" I shouted loudly, though not quite at Thu'um level.

"Ah... (pant) shut.... (pant) up....."

"Tired, Shiny? I haven't even broken a sweat!"

"(pant) You don't sweat, Zee. (pant)"

I helped the tired unicorn up, laughing. As usual, he started complaining. "Ugh, I haven't been this tired since..."

"Last night?" I gave him a knowing smile.

"Remember what I said about shutting up? What Cadence and I do is none of your business." He glared at me. I grinned even wider.

"I never said anything about Cadence."

"You... didn't... but... UGH!"

We began walking back to the barracks. I decided to push for details.

"When are you going to make an honest filly out of her? You two seem pretty sewn up by now. And Tia wouldn't have a problem with it."

He sighed heavily. "I don't know, Zee. It's like, well, we just got comfortable, you know? I'm a Captain now, she decided to move to Canterlot permanently, the Princess finally allowed us to share quarters. I just don't want to screw that up!"

"Hmm... I don't see how putting a ring on it would ruin that. Am I going to have to sing 'Single Ladies'?"

"Please don't. I'll... I'll think about it. Hey, there you are!" Obviously trying to avoid the subject, he exuberantly greeted his fellow Captains. Barry, with her usual brash honesty,

"Well, I'm all sweaty and dusty. I think I'm gonna hit the showers!" She had been training with Harbinger, just as I had been training with Shining. As we all answered directly to the princesses, I couldn't tell if I outranked them, if they outranked me, or if we were equals. While I wasn't in-command of the guards, I could tell them what to do, though I usually didn't. Nonetheless, they were the only ones who gave me a challenge in combat, so I trained with them regularly. And I had been learning.

"Barricade, we shower after EVERY practice. You don't need to announce it." I was brought forcefully back to reality. well, Shiny obviously didn't want to talk anymore, and I didn't want to intrude. I was about to head to the pond when I heard something that surprised me greatly.

"Hey, Zee, you want to join us?"

I turned with a confused look, then looked behind me. Obviously she had been talking to some other Zee. Seeing no one there, I turned back and gestured to myself in disbelief. "Mij?"

"No, the other Zee. Come on, you overgrown lizard." The yellow pegasus grabbed me by the tail with her mouth and began dragging me forcefully. I didn't protest. You don't argue with Barricade if you value your testicles. Normally I bathed in the decorative pond in the garden after strenuous training, because I often got covered in dust from the arena. Apparently, the pegasus captain had misinterperited my isolation as shyness, and gone about remediating it, in her own brash way. Which meant dragging me into the showers and attempting to rip off my coat and harness.

"Ik kan het, dankzij." I waved her off, slightly disgruntled. For once she didn't need me to translate. I began undressing, slipping out of the trenchcoat and unbuckling my harness and belt. After a few minutes of searching, I managed to dig up an extremely dusty bottle of Dr. Sparkleen's Super-Shiny Scale Polish. (Make your dragon feel like a queen, with a healthy helping of Sparkleen!) If that's not a bad omen, I don't know what is.

Toting my healthy helping of Sparkleen, I slithered wetly out of the locker room and into the showers. Most of the time, I at least wore my harness and belt if not my coat, even when swimming, and as a result I felt a little naked. Shiny was already enjoying a steamy stream while my good friend Harby helped Barricade out of her armor.

"Ah! You're making it worse, ya big lug!" Somehow, with her head stuck in the golden carapace, she still managed to thump him on the chest with a forehoof.

"Staat u mij." I gently nudged Harbinger out of the way and took a firm hold of her hauberk. I then twisted it slightly and gave a quick jerk, and voila, Barricade popped out, the sweat making a pop like a cork. I set the armor down.

"Thanks, Zee." She smiled and went to find a shower of her own. I caught myself staring at her flanks waggling back and forth, pink tail trailing the wet floor with a swishing noise.

I bit my lower lip and stuck my chin in the air, before chuckling and slithering to the stall next to Shinys. I didn't often see my comrades out of their armor, so this was an illuminating experience for me. I couldn't help but sneak peeks at them as I rubbed the scale polish over myself. Harbinger Doom. It was hard to tell in the armor, but he was a bit lopsided, his hind legs had ALOT more mass than his forelegs. Shining Armor. Well... I can see why Cadence is still interested after all these years. Finally, Barricade Shy. The spitting image of her daughter, but hardened in the fires of war. And alot more muscular. And DAYUM, that flank.

My inherent perversion aside, that scale polish was working miracles. Seriously, you would think my scales had been made of dirt or something. Now, I closely resembled a cyan disco ball. Thinking my own thoughts, I shampooed my mane as the others whipped each other with wet towels, patted each other on the butt, and boasted about their sex lives. Generic high-school locker room stuff, I guess. I wouldn't know, I was homeschooled. That got me thinking about my life before Luna brought me to paradise. That got me thinking about paradise itself. The days blurred together for me. Training with the Captains, wandering Canterlot with Grand Tour, reading in the library with Card Catalog... and my special nights with Luna. How I cherished those nights.

Mostly I just tried to stay out of the way, and luckily, we were all done relatively quickly. I finished drying my mane and wrapped the towel around where my waist should be, tucking in so it stayed up. I noticed that Shining Armor and Harby had both left already. Barry, fueling the stereotype, was taking a bit longer, fussing with her mane in front of the mirror.

"Alstublieft, allow me." I slid up behind her and took her pink locks in my claws.

"Don't bother, Zee. When it's wet, I can't do anything with it. I'll just have to walk around like this the rest of the day, like I always do." She tried to wave me off. I wasn't having that.

"Teef, dan kunt u. Stand still, this will only take a moment." She huffed as I ran my claws through her mane, straightening it. I began separating it. All of my past girlfriends had been impressed with my grooming skills, it came as a second nature to me. When you were raised as I was, being presentable is almost as important as breathing.

"So, how's life?"

"Are you seriously trying to make small talk? Just hurry up, I've got privates to drill."

I tried to contain my laughter. "....You've got what? To what now?"

"Shut up. Recruits to train. Idiot."

"Heheh. You're funny when you're angry."

"You're funny when you're dead. And I need a good laugh."

"Klootzak."

"Prick."

"Lul."

"They don't count if they're in crazy serpent gibberish. I swear you're making that up."

"Het heet het Nederlands, je onbenul, en ik kan u verzekeren met de grootst mogelijke vertrouwen dat het een legitieme taal die ik al mijn hele leven spreken. Het feit dat ik niet in staat zijn geweest om een Equestrian equivelent ervan vinden, doet niet af aan dit feit. You are correct. I am, in fact, making it up as I go along. Idioot."

"Point taken, you don't have to be a smart-ass."

"Now go. Drill your privates." I finished up the elegant braid and tied it off.

"You know, this actually looks... Kinda good." She flipped her mane in the mirror.

"If you hang out with me enough, you may find I actually know what I'm doing."

"Like I said, you don't have to be a smart-ass. Thanks, Zee." She fluttered up to my face and gave me a peck on the cheek, before flying out the door to drill some privates. I smiled as I rubbed the affected cheek.

I quickly redressed and found myself heading up to the Canterlot Library.

"Hallo, Cat."

"Hey, sugar. Here for some light reading?" The sand-colored pony behind the desk greeted me, not looking up from her book. When Twilight had gone to live in Ponyville, Card Catalog had been called upon to run the Canterlot Library. She was almost the spitting image of the mayor of Ponyville, half-moon glasses and all, though her mane was black and her cutie mark was an open book rather than a scroll. No matter what she was doing, somehow, she could do it without looking up from whatever she was reading. I didn't even know what color her eyes were.

"Ja, a bit of 'light' reading to pass the time before my little date."

This was a running joke between us. Her and Twilight Sparkle are the only two mortal, living creatures to have read the entire Canterlot library. I was close to becoming the third.

I'd started by becoming familiar with the way Equestria and the surrounding countries worked. Equestria appeared to be run like some sort of sixteenth-century monarchy, Gem Fido, the Griffin Dominion, and the isles of Zebrica were all anarchist. There was also mention of other countries, like Alltasia in the north, and Atlantis in the Ring Sea, but not much was known about them, for being too hostile or too remote. The latter actually intrigued me, but I had my duty to the princesses, and I wasn't about to shirk it for some sightseeing at the bottom of the ocean.

Then I'd moved on to the practical sciences that I would need for my field of work. I still wasn't entirely clear what that was, but it doesn't hurt to be prepared, and the way Luna talked about it, I was either some sort of super-cop, or a privateer. I was fine with either of these things. Loons and Tia were good at their jobs, and they ruled with universal benevolence, if they need me to crack a few skulls along the way, I'll do it gladly.

So I studied. The Equestrian Justice system, weapondry, biology, medicine, martial arts, even etiquette. Yeah, I know, you're probably thinking, 'Why are you studying pony etiquette when all you're going to be doing is beating people up?' And I would answer with my dads old mantra, 'You'd be surprised how many problems you can solve just by being polite.' By the time I'd read about all these subjects, I realized I'd gone through almost a third of the library in a single night. Hence the joke.

"Good, because I've picked out a few that I think you might be interested in..." with a hoof, she gestured to a pile of books next to her, which I scooped up with gusto.

"You keep me happy, Cat." She snickered at this as I took my usual place by the window. I pulled my reading glasses and pipe out of my coat. Slipping the glasses over my eyes, I lit the already-packed pipe with a few snaps of my fingers. Yes, snapping my fingers can create a spark. I don't understand it either. The book had a ribbon bookmark in it, so I decided to start there.

Feather Tail turned to her master, flabbergasted at this. "Certainly not, kind sir! I am here but to clean your chambers." Colton Flight twisted his moustache, amused by her outburst. He liked them with a little fight in them.

"Is that all you have come here for, little one? My chambers?"

Feather Tail scuffed her feet on the floor, looking away. "I have no idea what it is you imply, master. I am but a poor Griffin maid."

Colton ran his velvet eyes over her young, but toned body. Her wings were flared, inviting him in for a rough landing. "So you are, my dumpling. And a good one at that. Such strong wings and shapely flanks."
Feather Tail turned bright red at the mention of her flanks. "You embarrass me, sir!"

The stallion gave a dismissive wave of his hoof, "Fear not. You are safe here with me."

Feather Tail tried to change the subject, beak as red as a tomato. "I must finish my cleaning, sir. The mistress will have my head if I do not!"

Colton chuckled, bringing his weapon to bear. "Cleaning, eh? I have something for you. Here, polish my spear."

The young griffin ran her eyes up the long, stiff shaft, before settling on the gleaming head. All pretense of embarassment gone, she exclaimed, "But it is huge! It could take me all night!"
"Plenty of time, my sweet. Plenty of time."

ಠ_ಠ Wat. I flipped a few pages forward and continued reading.

"My goodness, that's quite a loaf! But how ever shall it fit my oven?"

The pegasuses wings stood on end as he explained to his servant. "This loaf isn't ready for baking, my sweet. It has yet to rise."

"If only we could hurry that along. How would I accomplish such a task?"

Colton gazed at her lovingly. "Oh, my foolish little Griffin maid, you must use your claws."

"You wish me to knead the loaf? Here?" She took the loaf in her inexperienced talons and began to knead it with gusto.

Colton gasped at her enthusiasm. After regaining his composure he said simply, "Of course."

Feather Tail hesitated a moment before asking a question that had been burning all night in time with her loins. "But what if the mistress catches me? Your loaf was meant to satisfy her appetite."

"Don't fret, my delicate flower. I'll satisfy the mistress's cravings later." He patted her on the head as she replied;

"Very well, but I'm afraid my oven isn't hot enough. It could take hours!"

"Plenty of time, my sweet. Plenty of time."

Okay, what the hell? I flipped the book over to read the title: Colton Flight and the Provocative Griffin Maid: Quest for the Golden Snatch.

"Really, Cat? Where'd you get this, your personal collection?" I tossed the book in her general direction. She caught it in a hoof, not looking up.

"Don't throw literature." She replied, though she had a smile on her face.

I checked the rest of the stack: 111 Facts About Aquatic Equestrian Life, The Lives and Biology of Sea Serpents, The Siren of Stalliongrad, and several similar titles could be found. Grateful that Catalog had completed her trolling, I began to read without further complaint.

I learned many things that day. According to the estimations in the texts, my new body was just over sixteen years old, making me exactly half my human age. In my new body, I would live to be six hundred or more, and would continue growing until I die, similar to a fish. That was just the tip of the iceberg . But what really interested me was the chapter on sea serpents singing prowess. Apparently, this was due to their unusual vocal cords. Most Equestrian species had one, two, or three sets of them. Serpents had eight, and, in addition, could control them individually, allowing them to do things with sound that I bet even DJ P0N-3 would envy.

I raised an eyebrow at this. I began playing the Wilhelmus, holding a hand over one of my gills. Sure enough, I could feel the reverberations of the sounds coming through them. So that's where the music came from! I decided to celebrate my now understood ability by playing something a bit more complicated.

I patted the pile of books next to me as I bookmarked the one I was reading. "Cat, can you reserve these for me, please?"

"Anything for you, sugar."

I nodded and exited the library. Doing the first techno song that came to mind, I addressed a random passersby.

"Yo, listen up, here's a story,

about a little guy that lives in a blue world,

and all day and all night and everything he sees,

is just blue, like him, inside and outside,

blue his house, with a blue little window,

and a blue corvette,

and everything is blue for him and hisself,

and everybody around,

cos he ain't got nobody to listen."

At the beginning of the chorus I began to dance, swaying on my tail and moving my arms to the beat. Several perplexed ponies followed me out of curiosity as I sang the chorus, gesturing to my body as I pointed out my own apparent azurity. Indeed, my fascination with the color blue and its presence on my person was apparently engaging to them, as was likely my strange delusion that many objects surrounding me shared in my berylness. Once again the bass dropped and my dancing paused before resuming with vigor. Several of the ponies in the gathered crowd began to bob to the beat as well. I continued my story.

"I have a blue house with a blue window.

blue is the color of all that I wear.

blue are the streets and all the trees are too."

I grabbed a random cobalt mare and gave her a peck on the cheek. "I have a girlfriend, and she is so blue." Her eyes grew lusty and she began dancing rather unladylike, bumping into me suggestively. I rolled with it.

"Blue are the ponies here that walk around,

blue like my corvette, it's standing outside.

Blue are the words I say and what I think.

Blue are the feelings that live inside me."

The crowd filled almost the entire corridor, my impromptu concert clogging the traffic and snagging in more ponies the longer it went on. Soon, I had a legitimate mosh pit happening in the halls of Canterlot Castle, many of my thralls were either singing or humming along. One of the unicorns decide to put on a light show with his horn, causing lasers and strobe lights to start flashing, adding to the chaos.

To think, a minute ago, I had been sitting in the library, quietly reading and puffing on my pipe. They were all
under the spell of my music, releasing their inhibitions and giving into their animal instincts, flailing their limbs and banging their heads. I saw two of them actually begin making out right there in the crowd. The respectful circle that had originally formed around me closed and I was right there in the crowd, sweaty pony bodies rubbing against me. The music pulsing out of my gills were the closest thing to a guide they had, so I guided them.

Unfortunately, all good songs must come to an end. The last pulse of the bass leaked out of my gills, and all the ponies began blinking surprisedly, disbanding almost drunkenly. I heard the mare and her partner, who had been so enthusiastically swapping saliva a few seconds earlier, exclaim simultaniously, "Who are you?" before introducing themselves and wandering off together. I smiled at this display, maybe Cadence isn't the only one who can hook ponies up.

Then I realised I was being stared at. The blue pony who had become my improvised girlfriend was looking at me with a wistful smile on her face. "Ja?"

She came closer and began rubbing me with her neck. "Thanks. That was alot of fun."

"You're quite welcome, Mevrouw...?"

She continued rubbing. "Navy Blue. Call me Navy Blue. What's your name?"

"You may call me Zeeslang."

"Well, Zeeslang, what do ya say we get a coffee sometime?"

I stroked her mane. "That sounds wonderful, but it seems we have a visitor." A red Unicorn approached us, clopping his hooves on the ground with extra emphasis, apparently applauding me.

"Bravo, bravo, I say! What a splendid performance! Mister Zeeslang, I applaud you!" He spoke with a posh accent to match his style, a red coat with gold buttons, as well as a pair of black sunglasses.

"Dank u, mijnheer." I answered politely, still cradling the ultramarine mare to my side.

"Oh, but where are my manners? My name is Red Carpet, Producer, Director and Talent Agent." He held out a hoof for me to shake. "I haven't seen such raw talent from a single individual in... Well, ever! If you would accept sir, I am currently looking for a lead role in my production for the Canterlot Artisans Guild. I would like you to be that lead."

I turned to Navy Blue, then back to him. "Well, I've got nothing better to do."