A Voice Like Water

by BattleSwine

Rating: mature
Tags: Princess Luna, Original Character, Comedy, Suicide / Self Harm, Profanity, Violence, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Crossover, Sex, Death, Human, Narcotics, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Second Person, Dark, Alternate Universe, Other
Length: 22874

Chess Game of the Gods: Sea Serpent - An evangelical dutchman is brought to Equestria as a serpent.

My name is Zeeslang. Or you can call me Zee. Of course, that's not my real name, but it seemed fitting. I came to America in search of oppurtunity, but instead, all I found was poverty, corruption, and a pretty good show called My Little Pony. It figures. This Justin Bieber kid crosses the border and becomes an instant hit, I cross the Atlantic Ocean and become homeless. I was singing in a pub one night when I met a lovely girl who called herself Luna. It would be safe to say she gave me a record deal I couldn't refuse. It would also be safe to say I didn't read the fine print. But, it could be worse. The Griffins are mistrusted as barbarians, the Diamond Dogs are hated as slavers. Most ponies simply don't know how to react to a sea serpent.

[This is my contribution to the world Created by Rust and added to by many others. I'm sorry, I couldn't help myself.]

Published 2012-07-07 09:34:05 UTC
Last updated 2018-01-05 00:25:18 UTC

Chapter Two: A Whole New World

My throat is on fire.

I make an inhuman screech and flop over on my side, hissing.

Are those noises coming from me?

I try to stand but cannot.

What happened to me?

Where are my legs?

Water.

I hear it, but not with ears.

With my heart.

I NEED IT!

I manage to roll into the river, still not under my own control. The running water embraces me like a warm mothers arms. The burning in my throat ceases. I am whole again, Water courses around me, giving me space, giving me time. She is a good friend.

I love her.

I loved her so much that I laughed. And the sound that came out of my now-quenched throat is my own, not the gaspings and wheezings from before. That heartened me, so I attempted speech.

"H-Hallo?" That was my voice. Then why did I feel so different? I looked at my body and gasped. I was not what I used to be. I have parts I did not have before, some parts are in the wrong places, and others are missing altogether. I no longer had the legs I was so dependant on before. In their place, a long blue tail stretched out into the indigo void below me. I used to be afraid of deep water. Not anymore. Now, it was like an old friend, inviting me to stay for dinner. I held my hands out in front of me. They were no longer hands. I only had three fingers plus my thumbs, and all were webbed up to the second knuckle. At the tips of my digits were tiny claws, barely an inch long but razor sharp.

What was I? Where was I? I wasn't on Earth anymore. Water told me so. She doesn't lie to me. I needed to get to the surface, I needed to look around. I didn't know how to swim in my new body yet, so I asked Water to teach me. She did. She's a good friend like that. It didn't take very long, so I swam to the surface. The sun was actually pretty nice, it made me want to lay on a rock and take a nap. But, here would be time for that later. I scanned the shore for clues as to where I was. I appeared to be in some sort of river, with a small beach on either side, leading up into an impenetrable forest. Then, I heard a familiar voice.

"Hello! We have been waiting!"

"SCHREEEEEEEEESSSSSSS" Oops. Water-voice isn't the same as air-voice. "Sorry."

I turned in the her direction. My ears seemed to automatically compensate for air-hearing. I had better eyesight than before, too. Which meant I could plainly make out the Princess of the Night before me. She sat on her haunches on the beach, eyeing me carefully, seeing how I would react. I swam to the shore and asked her calmly, "So, you are THE Luna? She who raises the moon, and co-ruler of Equestria?"

"The one and only." Her lip curled into slight smile.

"So, I am in Equestria right now?"

"Yes."

"Neem me niet kwalijk." I turned away from her, looking over Water. I took a deep breath. I summed up my feelings in all of two words.

"HEL JA!" My voice echoed over the trees, stirring a flock of birds from their perch. apparently my voice is much more powerful in this form as well. I turned back to the princess. She had a bit of explaining to do. "Mijn excuses. In case you haven't noticed, this is very, very exciting for me. But, if you do not mind, I have a few questions I would like to ask."

"We will attempt to enlighten you as best we can. Ask away."

"Well, first..." I didn't even attempt to phrase this in a question. I just gestured to my new body.

"That, is a bit complicated. When humans were banished from this realm, a magical seal was created, like a one-way door, that prevented humans from getting back in. We got around this by giving you a different body when we brought you here. It is the same loophole that we are sure Discord used to bring Echo here."

"How long ago was this seal created?" I might still be able to save my faith.

"Six thousand years ago. Welcome to Eden, although it might not be the paradise you want it to be. I suggest you avoid that topic, though. You will ask questions you won't want the answers to." Evidently she recognised my train of thought.

I shook my head to clear my thoughts. I still need answers. "What am I, exactly?"

She gestured to the river. "You are a Sea Serpent. When you said you were a singer, we figured we would play to that. Serpents are the best singers in Equestria, hooves-down."

I chuckled and feigned shock. "Hooves-down? I guess I'll have to live up to that."

"Indeed. Unfortunately, sea serpents are few and far between, preferring the solitude of the oceans and rivers
over real company." I decided not to tell her about Water, that spending all of my time with her didn't sound very lonely at all. A pony wouldn't understand.

"I will need time to hitch my carriage." She continued. "Meanwhile, I suggest you get aquainted with your new body. Your human items are in that satchel." She jerked her head toward a canvas bag I hadn't noticed before. "We must be back in Canterlot by dusk. I have a moon to raise." And without any further formalities, she cantered off into the woods, presumably to her carriage.

Well, if she expects me to ride in a carriage, I'd better learn how to move on land. Water didn't like the idea of me leaving, but I couldnt keep the princess waiting. I crawled up on land, wincing as my connection with Water was severed. My tail, being my most muscular body part, would support me. I shifted my tail so it was beneath me, then attempted to push myself off the ground with it. After failing only twice, I managed to not only get my tail to support me, but to balance on it as well. "Well, this isn't so hard." I slithered through the sand like a snake while keeping my body upright. "Not hard at all."

Movement, check. Now, I need to see what I look like fully. Water can help with that. I slithered to her side and looked at my reflection. I had initially expected my appearance to be similar to a mermaid. I was surprised at what I saw.

Looking back at me was a long, square snout like a crocodile, and slit-pupiled yellow eyes. Visible on top of my head and going down my neck was a mane that was a color that could only be described as wet blonde. Well, it was wet. I had webbed flaps on the side of my head that were my functional ears, and behind these, along my neck were gill flaps that flipped open periodically, searching for my good friend. I also had tufts of hair on the side on my snout akin to a moustache, the same color as my mane. When I opened my mouth, however, I was even more surprised. Instead of the spiky croc teeth I expected to line my jaw, there were double rows of triangular teeth you would expect in a Great White Shark.

So, sea serpents are a cross between a shark, a crocodile, a snake, a fish, and a whale. I guess that works. Bidding final farewell to my friend, I slung the canvas bag over my shoulder and slithered off into the forest, searching for Luna. She wasn't very far away when I found her, watching as Her tademark Night Guard hitched themselves up to her carriage. She seemed surprised to see me.

"We were going to pick you up! How did you even make it this far?"

"I guess I'm used to it. It wasn't that hard." Honestly, she was only like fifty feet from the beach. "Just because I'm aquatic doesn't make me incapable."

"Hmm... I guess not. You'll make a good champion, I think. Speaking of which, if you are to be my piece in this game, we're going to need to know your name. Oop, we're a poet."

I never really liked my name. It was long and annoying and hard to pronounce, and worst of all, it reminde me of my father. I decided on something more fitting to my new form.

"You may call me Zeeslang, Prinses."

"And we will, if you will call us Luna, please." She replied, blushing.

"Sure... Luna." I gave her a 'What are you getting at?' sort of smile. She blushed even harder and looked away.

"Corporal Starlight! Is the coach ready?"

A rather young-looking stallion saluted as he finished hooking himself to the carriage. "Yes, Ma'am! You may load up when ready, Ma'am!"

She giggled as we climbed in. "He's new. He has a tendency to overuse honorifics sometimes." We took off, getting a rather spectacular view of the setting sun, at which Luna frowned. "We are cutting rather close, Corporal!" She shouted over the wind.

"Apologies, Princess. We'll pick up the pace. HEYA!"

This is so amazing, I'm in Equstria, flying in a chariot, pulled by bat-winged pegasi, next to a princess, on my way to freaking CANTERLOT! I feel like singing! Hmm... I turned to Luna.

"Do you mind if I test my new pipes, Princess?"

"I you mean you wish to sing, then, please. You were beautiful in the pub, by the way."

"Dank u. That means a lot to me." I nodded as I contemplated what to sing. I settled on a very fitting one. Classic Disney is best Disney.

I can show you the world

Shining, shimmering, splendid

Tell me, Princess, now when did

You last let your heart decide?

I can open your eyes

Take you wonder by wonder

Over, sideways and under

On a magic carpet ride

A whole new world

A new fantastic point of view

No one to tell us no, or where to go

Or say we're only dreaming

'Okay, I can do Aladdin fine, let's see how I do Jasmine.'

A whole new world

A dazzling place I never knew

But when I'm way up here, it's crystal clear

That now I'm in a whole new world with you

Now I'm in a whole new world with you

Unbelievable sights (Near-miss with pelican)

Indescribable feeling

Soaring, tumbling, freewheeling

Through an endless diamond sky

A whole new world

Don't you dare close your eyes

A hundred thousand things to see

(Hold your breath, it gets better)

I'm like a shooting star

I've come so far

I can't go back

To where I used to be

A whole new world

Every turn a surprise

With new horizons to pursue

Every moment red-letter

I'll chase them anywhere

There's time to spare

Let me share this whole new world with you

A whole new world

That's where we'll be

A thrilling chase

A wondrous place

For you and me

To my pleasant surprise, I had done both the Aladdin and Jasmine parts easily. I turned to my princess with a smile, hoping to recieve one in return. I got a bit more than that.

She was staring at me wistfully, eyes half-lidded, as if in a trance. "Take me, Zeeslang." She breathed, "Take me right here." She turned around and presented me her... lady parts.

ಠ_ಠ "Luna? Are you Ok?" I snapped my fingers a couple of times.

This brought her out of it. She turned back around, planting her rump firmly on the floor of the cart. She attempted to hide her face, which was so red I'm surprised she wasn't dizzy from blood loss. We both started sputtering rationalizations.

"I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me..."

"It's not that I wouldn't, it's just that you came on very strong..."

"I've been alone so long, and that song was so beautiful..."

"I mean, it's only pre-marital if you plan on getting married, but..."

"And your scales are so pretty..."

"If you really want to, we could go on a movie date or something..."

"I have my royal duties, and I don't think I could handle a relationship right now..."

"I'm still adjusting to the new setting and all..."

"..."

"..."

"Princess! We have arrived and are beginning our descent!" Starlight interrupted. Thank God.

"F...Full ahead, Corporal! We have a moon to raise!"

"Yes, Princess!" The rest of the ride was spent in awkward silence. As was the landing. And the unpacking. The princess broke it first.

"I understand that it has most likely been a long and stressful day for you, and you are welcome to use my personal bedchambers if you wish. The password is 'Orions Belt'."

"I couldn't, I'd hate to be a burden-"

"Nonsense, Zeeslang. I dragged you from your world and it's the least I can do to provide you with a warm bed."

"But where would you sleep?"

"We don't require much sleep ourselves, and if it comes down to it, we could always just crawl in with Tia. Really, I insist." She waved a hoof, closing the issue. I reluctantly slithered away, shoulders slumped. An earth pony, who I guess the princess had designated to be my guide, followed.

"Goodnight, Zeeslang." I heard the princess call.

"Goedenacht, Luna." I called back over my shoulder.

My earth pony guide, a blue colt whose name I later learned to be Grand Tour, brought me to the princess' bedchambers without a hitch. He then scurried off to places unknown. I gave the guards the password, although they seemed loathe to let me into their mistresses inner sanctum.

I hadn't realized how tired I was. I placed my bag of human artifacts on a chair and flopped down in the absolutely massive bed. But sleep wouldn't come. I got up from the bed and moved to the mirror on the nightstand, once again examining my new body.I could see myself quite well by the light of the moon. It wasn't so much a shock as it was before, but it's strange to look in a mirror and not see the face you've been seeing all your life looking back at you. Call me vain, but when you body changes as much as mine did, you want to know what it looks like.

My distinct lack of legs was a very prominent feature, although I'd been getting around fine by sliding on the tip of my tail. The lower three or four feet of my length I had been using for locomotion, and three feet above that was my pelvic girdle. In the place of a certain organ, there was a cloaca-like structure, which was then flanked on either side by little downward-facing claws that I assumed to be some form of mating clasps. From my vestigial pelvis up, my torso seemed proportional to a humans, albeit blue and scaly. My arm and thorax muscles were in the same place they always had been. The strange part was that my neck was now almost a foot longer than it had been before, and much more flexible. In total, I would guess that I was about fourteen feet from the tip of my tail to the end of my snout.

I decided to look around the castle. I left the bag there, it would be safe enough, then left the room, earning a suspicious look from the guards. I addressed them.

"If you see the princess, would you be so kind as to let her know that I appreciate the offer, but that I must decline?"

They just nodded.

"Bedankt."

And so I wandered. Having grown up in northern Europe, I'd had the chance to see some truly marvelous castles. Canterlot Palace trumped them all. The sheer scope of it was enough to impress. Its halls were so big that a giant could have toured the castle without even having to duck. Walls and floors of gold-veined marble, vast stained glass windows that rivaled the cathedrals of Italy, monumental pillars that would have dwarfed the Parthenon. All of this, tastefully arranged, artfully maintained, and even at this late hour, bustling with activity. Servants, nobles, dignitaries, most hurrying through the halls with somewhere to be. A select few were like myself, marveling at the sights of this grand castle.

And at me.

I guess a sea serpent is a pretty rare sight around the palace, my mere prescence was earning me quite a few stares. Eventually, one of my equine admirers, a rather fancy-looking brown pony, plucked up the courage to approach me.

"Excuse me, sir, are you lost?" He seemed uncertain. I decided to mess with him a bit.

"Het spijt me, denk ik niet spreken uw taal. Spreekt u Nederlands?"

"I am sorry, I do not understand." He went the 'Maybe if I talk slower he'll understand' route. I hate it when people do that.

"Sta mij toe tonen u de dans van mijn volk!" I started waving my arms and spinning in circles.

He backed away slowly. "Right... you do that..."

Confident that no other ponies would be bothering me, I continued my tour, eventually finding myself in a seemingly abandoned section of the courtyard. Fenced on all sides by tall hedges, was a pool of water shaped like the sun. The pool was lit from underwater by gems that glowed with an inner light. Perfect.

I now realized why I couldn't sleep. I slithered to her side and slipped gently beneath her surface. She hugged me tight and welcomed me back. She was my friend and I'd missed her. It was as simple as that. I swam to the center of the pool, coiled into a ball, and was instantly asleep.

Chapter Three: Europe's Skies

I awoke with the gentle sun on my face. It looked very beautiful when it shined through Water. I sighed contentedly before going to investigate the noise that had stirred me. A quartet of snow-white pony hooves were churning Water near the edge of the pool. A sun-shaped cutie mark became visible to me.

Oh mijn God,

Dit is niet goed.

'I just slept the night away in the freaking Princess of the Sun's swimming pool! And now she's SWIMMING IN IT! How the hell am I gonna explain this? She's probably gonna think I'm some sick pervert!'

'Alright, calm down, you just need to sneak out. You can avoid it all if she doesn't see you.'

(30 SECONDS LATER)

"By Mother and Father! GUARDS! GUARDS! There is an intruder in my pool!"

"SCHREEES! HRCHHSSSSS! HCHRSEEEEEESSS! SCHREEEEEEKSS!"

You see, what I'd meant to say was, 'I humbly apologise for invading your personal pool without your permission, Princess, could you find it in your heart to forgive me?' Unfortunately, in my haste to apologise, I forgot to change from water-voice to air-voice. The sad combination of open gills, wrong frequency, forked tongue, and shark teeth turned my normally harmonious voice into an unpleasant half-shriek, half-hiss. It really wasn't helping my case.

"Get away, beast! I do not wish to hurt you, but I will if I have to!"

"SCHISSSS! SCHRAARRSSHH!" Dammit! Mouth, Y U no work?

"What's going on here?" A white unicorn with a blue-striped mane ran up.

"Captain! GET. IT. AWAY!"

"With pleasure." His horn flared and I felt a powerful tug on my tail, pulling me out of the water. I instinctively latched onto the rim of the pool with my claws, carving deep furrows into the marble. The Captain grunted.

"He's a strong one, isn't he?"

"HHSSSGGGGRRRRRRR..." So was he. His pulling my tail was not helping me with my attempts to speak. I held on for dear life.

"CAPTAIN ARMOR! PUT HIM DOWN THIS INSTANT!" The booming voice of my favorite princess filled the
courtyard. He obliged so quickly that I fell to the stone floor with a loud FLOP. Both the princesses looked furious, I had the feeling that a battle of the gods was about to take place. Me and the Captain both cowered in fear.

"HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU THAT YOU ARE NOT TO KEEP PETS IN THE CASTLE WITHOUT MY PERMISSION? REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED WITH THE SPIDER?"

"HE'S NOT A PET, HE'S A GUEST!"

"THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU HAVE HIM STAY IN ONE OF THE GUEST ROOMS RATHER THAN PUTTING HIM IN MY POOL?"

"I OFFERED BUT HE DECLINED! AND FURTHERMORE..."

"Dames? If I may?" I decided to put a stop to this before they started hurling fireballs or something. I turned to the Sun Princess. "Princess Celestia, I humbly apologise for invading your personal pool without your permission, could you find it in your heart to forgive me?"

The Sun sighed and brought a hoof to her face, but visibly softened. "Fine. Luna, I expect a full explanation at breakfast. Now, everyone leave so I can enjoy my morning swim in peace." Nopony was in the mood to argue.

Luna still seemed considerably angry. Once we were out of hearing distance of Celestia, she rounded on me.

"Of all the bodies of water you could have picked, you picked TIAS POOL? Why couldn't you have just stayed in my quarters like I said? I've been looking for you ever since lowering the moon, THREE HOURS AGO!" The force of her voice actually blew my mane back.

"Mijn excuses, Luna. I couldn't sleep, so I wandered around for a little while, then I saw the water, and it just happened." I wrung my claws. I'd done something without thinking about the consequences, and now I was gonna pay for it.

Surprisingly, she just huffed. "Grr. You are SOOO lucky your accent is cute."

I'm getting off scott-free because of the way I talk?

Seems legit.

(LATER, A FEW MINUTES BEFORE BREAKFAST)

"But what if she doesn't like me?"

"You'll be fine, Zeeslang. Tia makes friends easily, and as far as she knows, this is just another one of my antics. She was just cranky because it was early and she doesn't like people disturbing her when she's swimming."

We were back in her quarters, and she was 'helping' me get dressed, which to her meant sitting on her bed staring as I sifted through my human bag looking for something that still fit. As I had no legs, pants were out the window, and my head was now too big to fit any of the shirts. Eventually, I decided to just see what DID fit, and wear it all at once. That list encompassed three items: My belt, my coat, and my police harness. Suddenly, a spark of curiosity brings me to speak.

"Loons, where did you get all this stuff?"

"What? Is something missing?

"Nee, thats not what I meant. I mean, these items are all mine, and that's what confuses me. You would have needed to sneak into my room at the pub, collect my things, and get out. And I didn't meet you until later."

"That, is a long story, Zeeslang."

I buckled the belt just above my mating clasps. "We have nothing but time right now, Engel."

She sighed and began. "About three weeks ago, using an ancient spell, I journeyed to Earth. The same rule that dictates you cannot be human here applies to Earth as well, hence the human form."

"Three weeks? Jeetje. Wait, how did an mare like you, fresh from Eden, survive a single day on Earth? Madison isn't the nicest city for an innocent girl like you to be just wandering around in. No offense."
`

She raised an eyebrow. "I had guards, Zeeslang."

"Ah, Ik zie. Nevermind."

"Anyway, I had one mission: Find my pawn. The first two weeks were spent mostly on research, internet,
television, things of that nature. By the way, what did you think of my Matrix reference?"

"It was very thorough. Voortzetten." I waved for her to continue.

"Do you remember LunaTunes2137?"

I did. LunaTunes was a hit I'd gotten recently on a dating website I used. Honestly, I'd forgotten I had an account until it pinged me about her. We chatted a few times, before it got weird and she started asking strange questions, like where I lived and if I was a virgin. "Let me guess; that was you."

"Correct. I looked at your profile and liked what I saw. The internet is so useful for finding people."

'It wouldn't be the first time I've been stalked.' "Why didn't you just find me right away, then? You could have just grabbed me and left."

"I needed to confirm a few things first. When I was crying, despite that I was a complete stranger, you comforted me. When I kissed you that first time, despite my beauty, you were hesitant. That shows good moral fiber. That man I created was a test to see how good you were in combat. You not only succeded in protecting me, but dispatched the man without permanent injury to him or any injury to yourself whatsoever."

I buckled the police harness. It once held my badge, my radio, and my gun. Now it held nothing, a testament to my failure. I'd been a hero once. Cracked dozens of cases, brought in criminals almost every week. Eight years on the force and I was the best of the best. Chief Inspecteur of the Amsterdam Afdeling van de Politie. Now...

"Dank u for bringing me here, Luna. It is everything you promised."

"It was no problem, considering I needed you just as much. If everything goes to Tartarus, I will need somepony on my side who is just as powerful as those who are not. I have high expectations for you, Zeeslang. Do not dissapoint me."

I gave a mock salute. "Ja, Mevrouw."

She giggled. "But, I digress. The next week I spent tracking you down. On your profile it said you were a singer and worked at a pub in Madison. So I asked around. About the third or fouth pub I went to, I asked if they had any singers. The manager...Mike, told me they had a band with a singer. So I waited. That night, when you got up on stage, from the moment you opened your mouth I knew you were the one. While I was seducing you, my guards broke into your apartment and grabbed everything they could carry. They then left a note saying that you eloped with me and that they should not be concerned with your sudden disappearance."

"Hmm. I guess you thought of eveything."

"Unlike my sister, I think before I do things. I wager that when she gets her pawn, She'll just walk into the first coffee shop she sees and pick the first brony she meets."

"I wouldn't know."

I slipped my arms into my brown trenchcoat. I was glad it still fit. It was my fathers, he had given it to me when I left for college. Later in life, it had become part of my plainclothes uniform. And still later, I wore it when I killed my first man.

"How do I look?" I spun in a little circle, giving the princess a full view.

"Presentable."

"That's it? I was expecting something more along the lines of 'Wonderbaar' "

She rolled her eyes "Not even close."

I pretended to be hurt. "Not even schoon?"

"Not even schoon."

We made our way to the stairs, before I realized I forgot something. Luna continued on into the dinig room as I slithered back to her room as quickly as I could, and started rifling through my bag again. After about a half a minute of searching, my claws closed around the cold silver of my rosary. I didn't like to go anywhere without it, now was no exception. I had the strange feeling I would need the Lord on my side for this ordeal. As I attempted pull it out of the bag, it got stuck on somehing. I pulled harder. Eventually, it came loose. There, dangling from the chain, was a gun.

Walther P5, 9-millimeter semi-automatic, recoil operated, locked breach, 8-round clip. Official standard-issue pistol of the Netherlandse Politie. I could tell because I'd spent years with one of these strapped under my shoulder. This was the gun with which I shed my first blood. This was the gun that I'd reaped my first soul with.

This particular specimen had a gold finish and an intricately carved ivory handle. Numbly, I hit the clip release and checked the magazine. It was full. In my shock I barely registered the small note attached to the firearm by a string. When I did, I grabbed it and flipped it over, reading the messy scrawl.

Dear Zeeslang,

Happy Birthday! I hope you like your present! Spread some chaos for me!

Hugs and Kisses,

Discord

P.S. Lets keep this our little secret, hmm?

'Hugs and Kisses? What is that duivel up to? He wants me to keep this a secret, well we'll see about that, Discord, I'll tell Luna after breakfast. Wait, no, he's using reverse psychology. Telling the princesses would only cause a bigger ruckus than if I were to hide it and not use it. Clever, Discord, but I've been dealing with criminelen like you ever since I got out of college.'

Indeed, the combination of a 196 IQ and a degree in criminal studies, plus the fact that my new serpent brain felt, for lack of a better word, roomier, I managed to catch the draconequus's plan fairly easily. If he decides to become my enemy he will find himself running for his money, like so many before him. I spent almost my entire professional career hunting serial criminals. And by that, I don't mean guys who steal Froot Loops. Serial rapists, serial arsonists, serial killers, you name it, I've put them behind bars. The Amsterdam Aars-man, The Bolshevik Butcher, or even my personal nemesis, The Cotton Candy Carver, all of them I put the cuffs on myself, or in the last ones case, shot her dead.

Speaking of shooting, I still had to worry about this little tool of death I had been given. I couldn't just throw it away, someone might find it, and, God forbid, figure out how to use it. I could take it apart and scatter the pieces, but that would require a freedom I do not possess right now. I can't just leave it in the backpack, I'd already caught Luna sniffing around in it, it's a miracle she hadn't found it already. So I took the only course of action.

'Fuck it, I'll deal with it later.' I tucked the instrument of death into the shoulder holster of my harness, slipped the rosary over my head, and made my way down the hall to the dining room. Luna had gone ahead when I told her I forgot something, no dought she was running interference for me. I slid down the railing of the stairs on my tail, for lack of legs. Spiral staircases are fun as shit.

"You spin me right round baby,

Right round, like a record,

Baby, right round, round, round."

I only got out that lyric before I made it to the bottom. I composed myself, gave myself the quick once-over.

"Alright, chums-up. Lets do this." I said quietly to myself. I haven't been this nervous since I met my girlfriends parents that one time. Not that Luna is my girlfriend, or anything.

I entered the foyer, where the princesses and the other guests were waiting. It was still only ten o' clock. Perfect time for breakfast. I put on my gentleman's face.

"Ah, Mr. Zeeslang. You made it, just in time." I took a quick glance around the room, Luna, Princess Cadence, Shining Armor, two ponies I did not recognise, and the one who had addressed me, Celestia herself. Cool as rain, I slithered up to her, bowed, took her hoof in a claw, and kissed it gently.

"You will find I am not one to keep ladies waiting."

"I see," Was all she said, though seeming a bit flustered. "Shall we make our way to the dining room?" There was a general nod of consent among the gathered ponies.

And so we did. There was the slight dilemma of how I would sit down with no legs, but eventually I just curled my tail up in the chair. We washed our eating appendages in the provided bowls, or in the unicorns and alicorns cases, stood waiting for us to finish.

When that was done, the food was brought out. It truly was a feast fit for royalty. Salads, sandwiches, fruit cocktails, even piles of hay were to be found on the dishes brought out by the waiters. I realised something.

"Luna, what do I eat?"

Celestia answered for her. "Don't worry, Zeeslang, we had specialty dishes prepared beforehand. You will not have to eat any of this pony food unless you want to. Ah, here they are now."

"Of course. How silly of me. I will likely try it anyway, it looks delicious."

I had actually meant 'What do sea serpents eat?' but sure enough, a griffin wearing a waiters tuxedo walked in, balancing a covered silver platter. He placed it in front of me and removed the cover, revealing a steak roughly the size of Australia, sprinkled with some sort of glittery blue salt that I found instantly appetizing. On the side was a pair of eggs over-easy, a muffin of some sort dotted with red spots similar to the salt on the steak, and a small bowl of.... diamonds. Well...in the show, dragons ate gems... so...sea serpents eat them too? One thing still bugged me though. I picked up a fork and poked the steak lightly. I looked at Celestia.

"Did it talk?" I gave her a worried look. She gave me a strange look in turn, like someone who has been pleasantly surprised, but also skeptical.

"You surprise me Zeeslang. Not many carnivores care where their meat comes from. To answer your question, no, it's imported from Gem Fido. Non-sentient."

"Ah, good..." I cast a hesitant glance around. Everypony but the celestial princesses had stiffened at the word 'carnivore' and were now staring at either me or my meal with wide eyes.

"Really, Zeeslang, there's no need to be so hesitant. You're among worldly ponies who understand thats some creatures needs are different than others. Please, enjoy your meal. And be careful not to eat the silverware." I decided to ignore the stares. I was hungry, it looked delicious, and it wasn't sapient.

I did a cross over my chest, folded my claws in front of me and said a simple prayer.

"Ik dank de Heer voor deze maaltijd, en door zijn wil kan ik eet meer zoals deze."

Hesitantly, I sawed off a chunk of the massive steak. The blue salt glittered. It must be a powdered gemstone of some kind. Careful not to bite the fork, I slipped the chunk of meat into my mouth.

I no longer had molars, so I let it sit there for a moment, rather than chewing. When my saliva finally soaked into it, the taste hit me like a brick wall. On a semi-truck. Not only was the meat itself cooked perfectly, but the gem dust, that I now instinctively recognised as powdered sapphire, gave it a slightly fruity taste, almost like raspberry. It was so good, it was all I could do not to snatch the steak up in my claws, shove it into my maw, and swallow it whole. While it would have fit, I forced myself to take medium sized chunks, accenting the entree with bites of the ruby-studded muffin and the eggs, as well as sips from my wineglass. In this way, I managed to pace my meal almost perfectly.

As I cut small bites from the slab of meat, the stares slowly subsided and the tension thinned. Obviously attempting to spark a conversation, the blue-maned unicorn I knew as Shining Armor spoke up. "In case you were wondering, Zeeslang, this is my girlfriend, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza,"

"It is an honor to meet you princess." I gave a sort of half-nod, half-bow.

He continued. "And these are my fellow captains,Captain Barricade Shy of the Pegasi Corps, and Captain Harbinger Doom of the Earth Pony Battalion."

"Those are very impressive names. Mevrouw Shy, do you perhaps have any relation to Fluttershy of Ponyville?"

She gave me a slightly hostile look. "What do you know about my daughter?"

"I know that she the bearer of the Element of Kindness." 'Hopefully that's common knowlege or I'm screwed.' She visibly softened and turned back to her meal.

Another silence filled the room as we all attended to our bellies needs.

It was eventually broken by my patron princess, who tapped a spoon against her glass, as if to make an announcement. We all stopped eating to look at her.

"As you all know, we invited you here today concerning a guest in our midst, the honorable Mr. Zeeslang. We brought him here because we found him capable in both body, mind, and spirit. So, in light of his abilities, and of recent events, we found it prudent to, as they say 'Catch two griffins in one net'."

Celestia looked half-shocked, half-horrified. "Sister, you can't be suggesting?"

Luna nodded gravely. "Indeed I am. If we are to keep the kingdom safe, we will need a powerful, loyal mortal, free from the restrictions of rank and citizenship..."

"Dramatic pause." I chimed in, ruining the moment.

She glared at me before continuing. "We will need... A Mustang."

Many gasps were had. Shining Armor gained composure first. "Princess, there hasn't been a Mustang in over a thousand years!"

"There hasn't been need of a Mustang in over a thousand years. But have you seen the state of the world? Hydra attacks in Wethoof, Griffon uprisings in the north, Diamond dogs snapping at our borders, need I go on? Just the other week, a few ponies were almost kidnapped by diamond dogs. We need somepony, or someserpent, who we can count on."

"I am not familiar with these 'Mustangs'. Perhaps someone could enlighten me?"

Luna turned to me as heavy silence filled the air. "The Mustangs were warriors that answered directly to the royal sisters. During times of crisis, the strongest, fastest, and most intelligent in the kingdom were called upon to serve as peacekeepers for Equestria and her borders. They were given almost unlimited power, resources, and diplomatic immunity. In return they kept Equestria safe. This, is the responsibility I wish to give to you."

Speech time. "I was a peacekeeper of sorts, a long time ago. I hunted people who did bad things, and I made sure they couldn't do them anymore, one way or another. I did so because I was those things: Strongest, smartest, fastest. But sometimes, It wasn't enough. And those times still haunt me to this day. If you give me this power, this responsibility, then I believe I can make the most of it. I can be the best I can be."

Luna addressed her co-ruler. "What do you say, Sister? I can't give him this alone."

Celestia, who had been staring blankly, came back to Equestria. "While I trust your judgement, Luna, I will need to... get to know Zeeslang better. I must know if he is capable. And I am still reluctant as to an official title as well. Would not creating a Mustang be like admitting something was wrong?"

Once again, I put in my two bits. "Where I come from, the worst leaders are the ones who pretended nothing was wrong when it was. Ignoring a problem doesn't make it go away. Surely your ponies have gotten wind of the state of things. If it's publicity you're worried about, doing something about it will only make you look more capable, more benevelent."

"Hmmm.... That does make sense, but so far Luna is the only one who has seen you 'In action' so to speak. Perhaps we could...." She trailed off.

Shining Armor piped up. "We could arrange a spar later this afternoon!"

"If Zeeslang agrees, I see no reason not to. After tea then?"

"After tea." Me and Shining Armor replied at the same time. We turned to each other and simultaneously gave each other mischevious looks. 'Payback time.'

(AFTER DINNER, AT TEA TIME)

"So then I said to her 'I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you!" I downed the rest of my tea to peals of laughter.

"HAHAHAHAHAHA! (cough) HAHAHAHAHA!" Shiny was literally choking.

"There was this one mare down in Germaney who was being all coy, so I was like 'I'm no weather pony, but you can expect more than a few inches tonight!'" Harbinger quoted.

"OHOHOHOHO, NO MORE, NO MORE!"

Much to everyone's amusement, even Barry had one. "There was this stallion, up in Hoofington, I think, he says to me," She lowered her voice comically, striking a broad-shouldered stallion pose. "'I'm not into casual sex.' And you know what I said? I said, 'Oh, lemme put a dress on and we'll call it formal sex.'"

"HA! If only you had been that forward when we were takin' down thoshe manticoresh that one time. Youd'a had 'em running for the hillsh by daybreak!"

Now, even Cady was in on it. "I was hanging out with Twilight at the library when some stallion used this one. You're not gonna believe this: 'I should've brought my library card, because I'm checking you out.'"

"OH, MOTHER AND FATHER, THAT'S HORRIBLE!" Luna exclaimed with a mix of shock and amusement on her face.

To everyones surprise, even Tia joined in. Using her best story tellers voice:

"Once upon a time, I was pretending to be a Unicorn down in Trottingham, when a stallion comes up to me and asks me where I'm from. I say, "Canterlot." I kid you not, he replies, "Oh, is that close to Bangtown?"

After that one, we laughed for almost five minutes straight. When we were done, I made eye contact with Cadence too long and we all laughed for another few minutes. After that, I wiped a tear of mirth from my snout.

"Oh, I haven't laughed like that in a long time, a long time..."

"Shing ush a shong Zshee!" Harby was starting to slur from the copious amounts of schnapps he was pouring into his tea. For such an insanely large pony, he was a bit of a lightweight. Seriously, he's within a few inches of Celestia's height with her horn, about as thick as an oak tree to boot, and he can barely take a few cups of spiked tea.

Tia seconded the motion. "Yes, please, I've been curious. Luna told me your singing is.... what was the word she used? Intoxicating?"

I winked at Luna. "Did she now? Well, I always aim to please." I stood from my cushion and slid to the window overlooking the balcony, ignoring Luna's blush. A peal of violin music filled the air.

"Where is that music coming from?"

"Shhh, it's starting."

I started tapping the tip of my tail on the floor to the beat, then turned and began sliding around the room in a circle. I was nothing if not a showman.

Now I'm home but I cannot stay

I dream of you every day

Got to know every inch of you

Will you make my dream come true?

There's no place like home they say

You're my home so hear me pray

I don't know you but I need more time

Promise me you'll be mine

Birds are flying over Europe skies

Tell me please, why can't I?

I took Cadence by a hoof and began to waltz quickly around the room with her. She giggled like a little girl. I dipped her, then spun her into Shiny's hooves. He caught her and she gave him a peck on the lips, then, by unspoken consent, they began dancing around the room.

With a claw, I offered Barry a dance. She obliged, and we spun for a bit before I passed her gently to an inebriated Harby, and they began to dance as well. I turned to the princesses, tapping their hooves to the beat as I sang to them:

Times have changed but so have I

I view my life through your eyes

On the go in my tourist's shoes

But I'll stay truthful to you

'Cause there's no place like home they say

You're my home so I guess I'll stay

I don't know you but I need more time

Promise me you'll be mine

Birds are flying over Europe skies

Tell me please, why can't I?

I offered a claw to Luna, but she shook her head. I turned to Tia. She hesitated a moment before rolling her eyes and allowing herself to be swept up into the sprightly waltz. I dipped her and got uncomfortably close to her muzzle, looking almost like I meant to kiss her. But, of course, I didn't. I instead threw her bodily at a surprised Luna. The three couples began to spin around me, dancing in a circle as I raised my arms, spinning opposite them as I finished the song:

I don't know you but I need more time

Promise me you'll be mine

Birds are flying over Europe skies

Tell me please, why can't I?

I held the last note until I ran out of breath. The violins continued long after, so I lowered my arms and tapped the tip of my tail against the floor to the beat, wearing a somber expression as I waited for them to cut out. When they did, The gathered ponies stopped their dancing with dazed expressions, almost as if they hadn't know what they were doing.

"Well, that was interesting." Tia said, looking like she enjoyed herself.

Chapter Four: (Everypony Was) Kung Fu Fighting

After tea and my impromptu private concert, As agreed we made our way out to the sparring grounds behind the armory. As we went, I accessed my physical condition. As a specimen, yes, I was intimidating. With my more than six-foot profile, shark teeth and yellow slit-pupiled eyes, I knew many would quail before me. But my current opponents knew it was all a friendly competition, intimidation wouldn't matter to them.

With my tail, I wouldn't be able to maneuver a whole bunch, but despite being grounded, a few test punches confirmed I was still fast. Very fast. I guess I would have to compare myself to a viper, I moved quickly, as long as I didn't have to move a lot. I'd probably be taking a Defensive-Counterattack stance. I had extremely good sensory ability, so defense wouldn't be a bad idea.

My new body had nine senses, as opposed to my old ones five. The normal ones, taste, touch, sight, smell, hearing, plus several more. First, my ear flaps, while capable of traditional hearing, also were extremely sensitive to vibrations, giving me a sort of limited spatial sense, almost akin to echolocation. On my snout, I had a pair of thermal pits, like a boa, capable of sensing infrared radiation. These, essentially, gave me heat vision. I also had lateral lines along the side of my body like a shark, giving me electroreception, the ability to feel electrical current. And finally, some sort of hydrosense, an ability to feel Water. I knew that there was a well of her a few hundred feet below me, and a fountain of her in the courtyard, and about a million other places thoughout the castle. Honestly, they all seemed a bit redundant to me, who needs NINE senses? I would've been overwhelmed by it all had my brain not been bigger as a result of my transformation.

I digress. With me, there were two kinds of fight; Easy, and No Fight at All. I'm not bragging, either, when I was a police officer, I will admit that I went a bit overkill with my extra training, even going as far as to journey to Shaolin and train with the monks there. I was a master of Six Harmonies style, and also practiced Eagle and Snake styles. Over the years they started to blend together into my own personal style of fighting that focused on defensive counterrattack, because criminals always attack first or don't attack at all.

I would be squaring off against Shiny first. Celestia and Cadence were watching a safe distance away. No idea where Luna went. I yanked a spear off the rack and, using my tail, snapped the end off. I rolled my neck and arms, cracking joints along the way. Then, I tensed my lower back and tail, cracking the vertabrae in my spine. All fourteen feet of them. It was glorious.

"Don't hurt my Shining Armor!" Cadence called. I smiled at her and held up two claws, roughly an inch apart. "Just a little?"

Apparently, Shiny likes to fight dirty. He tried to use my distraction as an advantage. I heard the little jingly sound that horns make when they do magic, indicating he was charging a spell. I started the music. It would help me concentrate. When he released the spell, I whipped my staff around, blocking the blast. The wood was slightly charred where it struck, probably nonlethal, but it would sting if I got hit.

"Sorry, Shiny, but you're going to have to do better than that."

"Where in Tartarus is that music coming from?"

"You mean this isn't normal?"

Apparently, Shiny also is not one for banter. I developed a bit of a habit of bantering while fighting, because A, serial killers are crazy, so they like to talk, and B, I have the mental capacity to do it. So, rather than answer me, he let loose another volley of magic blasts. These were relatively easy to block, as his horn had to point where he was aiming, and the blasts were highly visible. I moved slowly toward him as I did this, reminding myself of a Jedi as I spun my staff. He started to look nervous and redoubled his efforts. I was within striking distance and he started to show signs of fatigue. By now I was to close for him to be accurate. He began charging a spell, this one larger than the rest. I closed the distance between us and asked him something I'd been meaning to ask ever since I got here.

"Hey, Shiny..."

".........What?" His voiced was strained from the concentration he was putting into this new spell. I had a feeling it would be a big one.

"You got any feeling in that horn?"

"What?"

SMACK!

That last sound was me cracking him across the horn like I was hitting a baseball. This prompted him to cry out in pain and fall onto his side, the spell discharging and taking out a big chunk of the armory. It also illicited a gasp from Cadence, and prompted Barricade to charge me like a bull. Of course, I didn't see this, but when you're flapping that fast, it's hard not to hear you. Without moving my body, I swung the stick behind me, blocking her flurry of hooves.

I turned around, keeping her at bay with the staff. "Ah, Mevrouw Shy, you present me with a dilemma. In all my years, I have never been able to bring myself to hit a fine-mannered lady such as yourself."

She actually growled from the frustration. "That stick is so unfair!"

Without hesitation, I tossed it aside. Just as I planned, she immediately divebombed me. Unfortunately for her, she was too close to get any real momentum, so I sidestepped and grabbed her waist. Before she knew what was happening, I had her in a headlock, pressing tightly against her back. I felt her wings attempt to flare. She was getting...... awfully hot. A wicked grin crossed my face and I began to whisper in her ear.

"You haven't been handled like this in a long time, hmm? Don't you feel so....." I gently moved my free claw down her belly.

"Helpless? I could do anything I wanted to you right now, and there's nothing you could do about it. It's a shame, a pikant pegasus like you, being left so....." I began to moved my claw softly in little circles over her sensitive stomach.

"Unsatisfied?" She gave an adorable EEP just like her daughter and began to wriggle in my grip. I let her go and gave her a light pat on the rump as she flew away to hide, her cheeks a bright scarlet. Two down. I heard Harbinger give a grunt as he stood up. As I slithered to greet him, I passed Shining attempting to get to his feet, appearing more dazed than hurt.

"Don't make me kick you while you're down, Shiny. It wouldn't be very gentlemanly of me." Taking the hint, he flopped back down, seeming almost grateful. Now, for Harby.

Did he get bigger all of the sudden? I picked up my staff from the ground.

"Do you mind if I use this?"

"Nervous, Zeeslang?"

"Cautious, my dear Harby." Nervous, but never uncomfortable.

Of course, he made the first move. They always do. He swung one of his tree-trunk hooves at me. I could almost hear the power in it as I ducked under. If he had hit me, I probably would have to deal with broken ribs and internal bleeding. Not pleasant.

Now for my counterrattack. I swung the staff with as much force as I could muster into his barrel. And guess what happened?

It shattered.

It just fucking SHATTERED.

Like a piece of fucking matchwood.

"Okay, NOW I'm nervous." He laughed like freaking Santa Clause before punching me so hard in the face that I flew backwards, my tail flailing like a streamer, and smashed into what was left of the armory. My scales protected me from the sharp bits of rubble, but as I said before, now I would be dealing with broken ribs and internal bleeding. Not gonna be pleasant.

Water.

WATER!

I felt her to the right. A little canteen of her. She would help me! I crawled with my arms, tail dragging behind me. Reaching with my claw, I picked the little tin container with the gingerness of a mother to her child. I then held it above my head and crushed it like a beer can, catching some of the sweet nectar in my mouth and pouring the rest over my face. The fiery pain in my head receded and was replaced with a warm, jittery energy. My new slit-pupils dilate as this unexpected fuel rises in me. I must act now, lest it go away.

Jezus Christ.

"I'M...... ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!" Tucking my arms at my sides and using my whole body for locomotion, I gain intense speed, covering the fifty feet I flew in seconds. I fling myself at my friend like a pit viper and, latching on with my claws, I wrap my tail around his midsection and begin to squeeze the life out of him like a python. His massive amounts of muscle tense under me, fighting me. I squeeze harder, overpower him. He can't move, he can't speak, he can't breathe. I keep squeezing till he goes limp. It is done. I relax. I let out one final scream before the fire consumes me.

"I THINK I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK!"

Then I black out.

(AN INDISCERNABLE AMOUNT OF TIME LATER)

Vroeger was ik vraag me af wat vriendschap zou kunnen zijn,

"I think he's waking up!"

Totdat jullie allemaal deelde de magie met me,

"He took a bad hit. It's a wonder he's still breathing."

Groot avontuur, veel plezier, een prachtig hart, trouw en sterk,

"Where's that water we sent for?"

Het delen van vriendelijkheid, het is een eenvoudige opgave,

"I hope he comes out of it okay..."

En magie maakt het helemaal compleet, My Little Pony...

"What the hay is he singing?"

Weet je niet je bent mijn beste vrienden!

SPLASH!

"WAH!" Water jumped at me, and her prescence woke me.

"Ach, hoe lang was ik uit?" I felt strange... and my jaw hurt.

"Equestrian. We don't speak crazy serpent language." Barricade stood over me, looking concerned.

"How long was I out?" I still felt the dusty ground of the sparring arena, so it coudn't have been that long.

"About fifteen minutes."

Fifteen minutes... what knocked me out in the first place?

Het Laden...

Het Laden...

Het Laden...

Gebruiken TraumauticMemory.exe? [J] [N]

[J]

Verwerking...

Verwerking...

Verwerking...

Gedaan.

"OH MIJN GOD I KILLED HARBY!" I jumped to my tail.

"No, you didn't, shut up and sit down." Barry pushed me back down with a hoof. I started to rock back and forth
until she slapped me and I went into scary-calm mode.

"What did you do with the body?" I asked, the picture of serenity.

"HARBY ISN'T DEAD, YOU IDIOT! He woke up a few minutes before you did! I've seen that stallion take a cannon to the face and trot it off!" She deadpanned.

"So..... I didn't kill Harby?" I asked, giving her a skeptical look.

"NO!"

"Oh, dank God, Jezus, en al zijn discipelen." I gave her a big hug, causing her to blush horribly. That reminded me...

"And, uh... Sorry for, uh... (ahem) molesting you earlier. I'm as much a psychological fighter as a... physical one. I guess I didn't really think about how that would affect our future relationship. It was uncalled-for and very ungentlemanly of me."

She broke the hug with a smile. "Don't worry about it, Zee. I've been through worse. This one time, a bunch of zebras tried to worship me as their goddess of mating and fertility. It didn't end well." I decided to stop her before she got into it. While her stories were amusing, I really didn't have time right now.

"Tell me later, I want to see Harby."

"Oh, he's over there." She pointed with a hoof. He was sitting on his haunches over by the now-destroyed armory. I slithered over to him. I don't think he saw me.

"Hey, big guy."

"Zee!" He immediately jumped to his hooves and gave me a huge hug, nearly crushing me. After a few seconds, he reined in his strength and dropped me.

"Good to see you, too." I laughed and rolled my shoulders

"I thought I killed you!"

"I thought I killed you!"

"Nah, I only passed out a little while. You looked bad, though."

"As well I did, that was a hell of a punch! Guess how many teeth I'm missing now?"

"I saw two on the ground..."

"Twaalf."

"TWELVE?"

"Ja. Well, I have like two honderd now, so it's not a big deal-"

"Hate to interrupt, boys, but, we've got a captain to report to." Barricade cut in.

(A FEW MINUTES OF BORING WALKING LATER)

After a few minutes walk we finally made it to the picnic table that the trio of princesses and Shining Armor had
set up in the garden. It was laden with various foods.

"Luna! Where were you? You missed an amazing fight!" I gave her a hug, then bowed and exchanged pleasantries with the other princesses and the captain.

Luna rolled her eyes. "Yes, amazing. From what I heard, two of the combatants ended up unconscious, another smitten in a corner, and the last one with a sore horn and a migraine."

I turned to Shining Armor. "Ja, excuses about that. I hope I didn't hurt you too bad."

"Yeah, like the princess said, just a sore horn and a headache. I'll be fine."

Luna cleared her throat. "Well, since we are gathered here, now is as good a time as any." She turned to me. "While you were having your 'amazing fight,' we were at our forge, smithing your badge."

"My badge?"

"Yes. A Mustang's badge has not been forged in over a thousand years, and for good reason. They are very powerful artifacts, even I, do not know the full extent of their power. They are created by bonding two of the rarest and most magical metals in Equestria, Solar Gold and Lunar Silver, into a solid piece. This feat is impossible for anyone other than me and Tia, as the metals repel each other like the poles of a magnet. The badges form a magical bond with their Mustang, and while they wear it, none can doubt their authority."

She turned to Shining Armor. "Captain Shining Armor of the Royal Guard, if you have any doubt in Zeeslangs abilities in combat, voice them now."

Shiny saluted. "Much as I hate to admit it, he bested me and my fellow captains. He'll get the job done, and he'll get it done right. I'm glad he'll be on our side."

She addressed her sister. "Princess Celestia, if you see any blemishes upon Zeeslangs body, mind, or spirit, bring them to light."

Tia looked at me, hard. After a few seconds, she spoke; "His body is strong, his mind is clear, his heart is pure. He will make a fine Mustang."

"If anypony here can see any reason why Zeeslang should not be granted the title of Mustang, speak now, or forever hold your peace."

No one spoke.

"It is settled then." She pulled a round badge out of her... necklace-hauberk-thing... with her magic and made it float a few inches in front of my chest.

"Zeeslang, do you accept this badge, as well as the power and responsibility that it entails?"

"Ja."

She nodded once, and attached the badge to my harness. It felt... connected... now.

It had no pin, so I assumed it attached magically. As she promised, one half was gold and the other, silver. The halves were intricately wrought with a carving of the sun and moon intertwined. The gold half was carved like the sun, and the silver half like the moon. It was beautiful. I could almost feel its power against my chest. I saluted crisply as I was forcefully reminded of my graduation from the police academy.

"Great, now that that's over, let's eat! We got some pretty heavy training to do tomorrow!" Barry chimed in, ruining the moment.

And so we did. And it was pretty good.

Case File: The Star

I am a shark. The ultimate predator.
I smell the blood, hear the thrashing. It cannot escape.
But neither can I.
I kill to survive. I will never see anyone as more than food.

I am a force of nature. Unstoppable.
All who try to tame me will be swept away.
All who try to oppose me will be crushed.
And yet I’m indifferent.

Somewhere in eastern Russia...

[Red text is in Russian]
[Blue text is in Dutch]

“WHERE IS HE!?!”

“I already told you, I don’t know!"

“LIAR! You covered his tracks! I know you did!” I pulled out my gun and pressed it to his temple. “Motherfucker, if you don’t tell me where Nekrov is, I’ll give this alley another layer of graffiti.”

“Alright, alright, just put the gun away, man!” The gun twitched away from his head, but didn’t leave it. “You have to promise me something, first.”

He swallowed once. “I want protection. If he knew I ratted him out he’d gut me where I stand. Literally.”

I holstered the pistol and said, “You speak of him like he’s a common gang boss. He’s not. Ever since he slipped away from me, he’s been engaging in heinous acts that betray the friends he once had and the man he once was.” I stepped back from the painted-up wall I’d been pinning the poor man to. “Protection granted. I ask again, where is Dmitri Nekrov?”

“Last time I heard from him, he was coming after you.”

“Yes, I know this. Anything else?”

“I’m no longer quite sure he’s sane. He keeps talking about his wife, how he’s cooking dinner for her, but he never cooks his own meals.”

“His wife? Hm...”

“Yes. Whoever she was, she must have made the sex to him real good, because he-” The informant was interrupted by a knife to the throat. And not mine.

“You will not speak this way about Svetlana.”

I caught the man before he fell to the floor. The knife had stabbed into his jugular vein; There would be no saving him. I set the poor sod gently on the ground before facing his killer, A tall, brown-haired man, who would have seemed innocent if not for the fact that he was bristling with weapons. A pair of cold, intelligent blue eyes flashed behind his glasses.

I pulled my badge from my coat. “Dr. Dmitri Nekrov, you are under arrest for arson, cannibalism, petty theft, theft, murder, assaulting an officer, killing an officer of the law, crimes against the state, possession of child pornography, rape, possession of drugs, possession of illegal weapons, possession of industrial-grade chemicals without a permit, armed robbery, illegal drug sales, kidnap, treason, uttering and publishing a forgery, carrying a concealed weapon, breaking and entering with intent, prostitution, conspiracy, organised crime, tampering with evidence, defacing public property, defacing a cadaver, necrophilia... Need I go on, Dmitri? You know what you did.”

“You forgot embezzlement and torture.”

“Fuck you, man! How can you do these things? You used to be one of the good guys!”

He spun his twin qamas, short, triangular blades for which he was known, as he answered. “What can hurt a man so badly that he doesn’t know who he is anymore? What can make him forget who he’s fighting for? I will tell you: A woman.”

“What, you think Svetlana would want this? People are DEAD, Dmitri! Dead, scarred or mutilated because of YOU! Innocent people with families and dreams of their own!”

“Their sacrifices were not in vain, Sebastian. Hell, they brought you to me! If you came, maybe Svetty will, too!”

“Dmitri, you and I both know that’s not going to happen.”

“What you think is not important. If all those crimes did not bring her back to me, capturing you surely will. Come quietly, and you will not be hurt.”

“One: You stole my line. Two: Fuck that shit.” I drew my pistol.

“So be it. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” He stopped spinning his qamas and, without warning hurled them both at me.

Qamas One 12.21 feet away, traveling 91.08 feet per second.
Adjust aim 28 degrees left, 2 degrees up. Pull trigger.
Qamas Two 6.04 feet away, traveling 90.60 feet per second.

Adjust aim 40 degrees right, 5 degrees down. Pull trigger.

Blam!
Blam!

Both qamas skittered across the alleys floor with dents in the blades. “It’s just like you, Dmitri, to bring a knife to a gunfight, and still expect to win.”

“It’s just like you, Sebastian, to arrive without backup.” I felt a thick finger of Thug One tap me on the shoulder, and a metallic click as Thug Two primed a rifle of some sort.

“You mean the two large men who have been doing their best to sneak up behind me since we started talking?”

I spun and knocked the muscular arm out of the way, twisting it around mine into a backwards arm-lock. Thug Two had an AK trained on me, apparently as a form of intimidation. At this range the weapon would be ineffective, and also I cannot be intimidated. Using the pistol still in my hand, I put a round into one of the Molotov cocktails on his belt, which ignited and turned him into a living fireball.

In this commotion, I stomped Thug One’s foot, causing him to open his maw and unleash a powerful roar, and giving me the opportunity to spin out of the lock, shove my gun down his throat, and pull the trigger. The bullet tore through the back of his neck and into Thug Two’s eye. I then elevated my aim forty-five degrees and fired again, severing Thug One’s spine.

“Quite the backup you have there. I have to give them a little credit though, my ears are ringing from their screaming.”

Dmitri seemed legitimately pissed off. He unslung his PP-19 Bizon, a compact Russian submachine gun that he was known to fire in a single hand, while at the same time unsheathing his sablya, a sort of curved cavalry sabre. “You are making a grave mistake, Sebastian. You didn’t beat me before, and you won’t now.”

“I let you go once, Dmitri, because you were my friend. I couldn’t bring myself to put a bullet between your eyes when I had the chance. I made the mistake of thinking you were still the man I knew. I rarely make mistakes twice.” I unsheathed my knife and took a fighting stance, gun in my left, knife on my right.

“We will fight, then. So be it.” He raised his gun. I spun around as he fired his first burst, the Kevlar of my combat coat taking the brunt of the attack. I’d have plenty of bruises later, but I wasn’t dead. Continuing my spin and flowing smoothly into a brisk run that brought me in too close for his sabre to be effective, I thrust my knife at him, aiming for his heart. He caught my wrist and flung a knee at my groin, which I countered by wrapping my leg around his, pinning it. Then, he headbutted me.

He seemed to have forgotten that my skull was made of titanium-wrapped, bonded ceramic, and that my brain is cushioned by a thick layer of microfiber mesh. He rocked backwards like he’d decided to french-kiss a brick wall.

Allow me to explain: My time is very valuable. Not just to me, but to my employers. In my line of work, I get injured quite often, as you can see. Any time spent in the hospital is wasted time. So we came up with a compromise; anytime I hurt myself, they pay to... upgrade me. Say I break my arm. Rather than spending six months to let it heal naturally, They would have the doctors remove the entire bone and replace it with a super-strong ceramic substitute filled with ‘donated’ marrow to prevent reactions. And, as I said, I am injured quite often.

“Ouch. I forgot about that.” He stated simply as he stumbled backward in a daze. I wasted no time yanking his gun out of his hands and tossing it aside. I shoved my own weapon into his face, the barrel tickling the tip of his nose. My finger tightened on the trigger.

“Say goodbye, Dmitri.”

“Goodbye, Dmitri.” He seemed to snap out of it, as a mischievous smile crossed his face. Suddenly, faster than I’ve known him to be, his sword whipped up and sliced me on the arm. I dropped my gun and backpedaled. He just stood there with that infuriating smirk on his face as I inspected my wound.

The cut was deep. It went straight down to my space-age ceramic bone. He wasn’t just trying to wound me or make me drop my gun.

He was trying to cut it off.

He tried to cut off my favorite arm. I felt him rising up in me.

How dare he!? I will kill him!

No. This will be difficult enough without you interfering.

You can’t finish this without me.

Yes I can. When I put him down, it will be me behind the wheel. I actually care about him.

Despite my every effort, a little bit of his personality creeped into me, and my accent slipped slightly, becoming more guttural and deep.

“You will pay for that, Dmitri. You will pay for that, and every other wound you have caused anyone, EVER!” And with that, I charged him. Fueled by nothing but berserker rage and armed with nothing but a flimsy standard-issue combat knife, I slashed at his face again and again. He backpedaled out of my way, narrowly avoiding my wild slices, his pitiful attempts at blocking were almost laughable beneath my assault.

Finally, he managed to lock me with his saber. No matter which way I pushed, no matter how hard, I couldn’t break it. He’d always been stronger than me. We were locked, nose to scarred, crooked nose. I looked into his eyes. I saw the triumph: He thought he had won. But I also saw the pain:

He thought he was alone.

He still cares.

We can’t afford to think like that.

But we must, or we will become him.

He still must die.

Yes.

I couldn’t beat him directly. So I did the only thing a desperate man could do: I kneed my former best friend in the balls.

He recovered quickly, but I’d broken the lock long enough to gain the upper hand. Kicking up off the alley wall, I flipped over him and put my arm around his neck. Pressing my knife into the sweet spot in his back, where I could sever his spine and stab him in the heart in a single thrust, I whispered in his ear, “I win.”

“Not... quite...” He reached into his coat pocket with his free hand and I heard a soft beep. He then pulled out a small throwaway phone and held it at arms length. I could hear the smile in his voice. “I’ve had an ace up my sleeve the whole time.”

“A shitty disposable Wal-mart phone? I’m so scared.”

“I was hoping I could beat you fairly, but I had a backup plan just in case.”

“If you don’t start making sense, I’m going to kill you just to shut you up.”

“Perhaps that wouldn’t be the best idea. If I let go of this button, the poor little children of Anzhelinas Angelic Day Care will be getting home slightly later than expected.”

I let go of him and stepped back, shocked. He continued. “Last night I had some of my boys rig up a little... surprise. If I drop this phone, all those kiddies go back to their mommies and daddies in tiny, black sleeping bags.”

I looked into his eyes. He has stolen, cheated, and killed, but he has never lied. He would kill those kids if he had to.

He must die.

It’s not worth it.

I set my knife on the ground and kicked it toward him.

“Alright, Dmitri. You win. What do you want?”

“Oh, nothing special. I just want to enjoy a nice, cold drink with my best buddy.” From his coat he pulled a silver-plated flask and a pair of shot glasses, which he then expertly filled.

“What are you playing at, Dmitri?” He said nothing, and offered me one of the glasses. I took it with no other choice. I was about to down it when he stopped me.

“Hold on, Sebastian. I know how you like your drinks strong.” He dropped a pill into my shot that quickly dissolved. He held up his glass. “To old friends.”

“To old friends.” I repeated as we clinked our shots together and downed them. The scowl didn’t leave my face as the darkness crept over me.

“Don’t worry, Sebastian, I will take good care of you. That’s what friends are for!”

Wake up. Wake up, damn you!

“Uuuungggh....” I shifted on the cold, hard floor. My head was pounding, and my stomach churned. I ached down to my very bones.

“Awake already? Hmm... I guess I didn’t make the dosage strong enough. No matter.” My eyes were glued shut with pain and dried tears, but I felt myself being dragged by my wrists. The chafing implied very thick hemp. My weight shifted and I felt myself being hung up by my bonds, then a loud metallic grinding as I was hoisted into the air. The movement brought my nausea to a piercing point, and the contents of my stomach spilled out into the world again.

“Ugh, Sebastian, now, look at the mess you made!” I heard a soft clattering behind me.

I finally managed to crack open my eyes. There was a large contrast in the lighting, a few flood lamps illuminating certain places, whereas everywhere else was bathed in darkness. With effort, I turned my head around to take in my surroundings. Very soft light filtered in through large windows up near the ceiling. It was dusk, I’d only been out for a few hours. I appeared to be in a meat processing plant of some sort. Hunched figures in cages and meat hooks lined the walls. Conveyers in the floor led off to who-knows-where.

The ringing in my ears subsided and I could hear plaintive cries all around me, men, women, children.

“What’s going on!?!”

“I want my Mommy!”

All those people he’d kidnapped to lead me to him. He’d taken them here. It all makes sense, now. He’d known I’d cross-reference the pattern of the kidnappings to deduce his location, so he’d hidden the evidence far away from the crime scene. It had been a trap this whole time.

Dmitri has been planning this for a long time.

“Here, you have something on your face.” Dmitri appeared before me with a wet rag, and began wiping my face with it. After that, he bent down and cleaned up the floor. It was then that I noticed my pants were down. My nether regions felt sticky and sore. Dmitri looked up and noticed the horror in my eyes.

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t help myself. You look so innocent when you sleep.”

The voices echoed in my head.

Too far gone.

Too far gone.

Too far gone.

“Too far gone.” I gurgled through the phlegm in my throat. He finished up and tossed the rag into a corner. I shook my head to clear it.

“What was that?”

Break him.

“Svetlana’s dead, Dmitri.”

He opened his mouth, then closed it. “No... Why would you say such a silly thing? She... just got lost on her way... home from... work...”

“That’s what you think? She got lost? For SIX MONTHS? I saw the report, YOU saw the report, her car crashed in the lake! Then you went on a rampage and tried to kill everyone!” As I distracted him with this I analyzed the space around me and formed a plan.

“No... She got lost...” He turned toward me. “But I’ll make sure she has a nice dinner waiting for her when she gets home.”

“SHE’S NOT COMING HOME, DMITRI! I SAW THE BODY!”

He didn’t seem to hear me. He instead turned and flashed me a manic grin. “Before you serve food, you should always taste it.”

He approached me and stuck his thumb in my eye. It was so sudden, I didn’t react for a moment. A heartbeat later, I was screaming louder than I have ever screamed in my life. My vision went red and I felt something tear. I opened my good eye just in time to see Dmitri pop its brother into his mouth and chew. After a few agonizing seconds, he swallowed.

“Hm. Salty.”

Kill him. Kill him kill him kill him killhimkillhimkillhimkillhim!

He was close now. Close enough. I let the voices flow past the floodgate in my mind and take over. I’m not strong enough to do it alone. My body spasmed uncontrollably.

“Sebastian?”

My voice was deeper and my accent changed. “Sorry, Sebastian had to... step out for a moment. My name is Stefan, may I take a message?”

Before he could answer, I did a pull-up and firmly planted my feet on either of his shoulders. Kicking backwards, I freed myself from the meat hook I’d been hung on. Jumping up, I kicked him in the face, knocking his glasses off, did a backflip and stuck the landing. Wasting no time, I closed the distance between us and punched him in the gut, bending him over at the waist. I flung my knee up into his chest, then grabbed his hips and tombstoned him into the concrete floor. Standing and stepping back, I searched for a weapon to finish him with.

He recovered quicker than I expected, and was on his feet a moment later. He stumbled to a nearby control panel and pulled a lever. A loud, keening engine activated and the conveyors chittered to life. The victims in the cages stirred to life as well, as they shouted for help and attempted to escape. Dmitri stood and coughed. He pulled a knife from his belt and tossed it to me. I caught it deftly and looked back at him.

“You think you can beat me?” He shouted over the engine and clattering, as he unsheathed a knife of his own. “Those conveyors lead to the steamers! In moments, those people will be boiling in their own skin! Choose now, Sebastian! Killing me...

...or saving them.”

Judging by the sound of the engine, it is a Model 3 IdtiBystro, which has a 3000 rpm. divided by the gear flux, subtract the weight, times the number of people to factor in drag.

We have two minutes.

In answer, I shrugged. “¿Por qué no podemos tener las dos cosas?”

Then I charged. We brought our knives up, and they met. I blocked his thrust and rocked him in the jaw with my unbreakable knuckles. I ducked and spun, giving him an elbow to the gut. in the same spin, I wrapped my arm around his neck and poked him lightly in the shoulder blades with my knife. I said nothing this time.

“You’re not going to kill me, Sebastian.” I could hear the smirk in his voice again. Then, he gasped as I slowly, almost intimately, sank the blade into his back.

“I’m not Sebastian.”

I let go of him and he fell to his knees. I quickly dashed to the control panel and shut down the conveyors with still a minute and a half to spare. There were sighs of relief from Dmitris captives, but my concerns were not for them. As Stefan’s influence bled out of me, I realised the gravity of what I’d just done. I’d killed my best friend.

I heard him cough wetly behind me. I turned and walked to his side.

“Sebastian?” He asked softly.

“Yes, Dmitri, I’m here now.”

“I’m sorry about your eye.”

“I forgive you.”

“... I’m sorry about everything.”

“I’m sorry, too, Dmitri.”

I gently leaned him back so I could look into his eyes. I saw the man I used to love staring back at me. I felt a tear come to my remaining eye as I embraced him. His voice was barely a whisper.

“I miss her, Sebastian.”

“Me too.”

“Could you sing for me, Sebastian? She used to sing to me when I was sad.”

“I will.” I swallowed and sang to him from the deepest recesses of my heart. To this day, I don’t understand why Dmitri did the things he did, only that he needed to be stopped. But he was a kind, caring man, who always stood up for what was right. It was no wonder Svetlana loved him.

He was also my best friend, and I loved him like a brother. He deserved better than this.

“So many times I asked myself,
What for I was born into this world and grew up,
And why the clouds float and rains pour.
You shouldn't expect anything for yourself in this world.

I would fly up to the clouds but I have no wings.
That starlight lures me from afar,
But it's hard to reach the star though the goal is close at hand,
And I don't know if I'll have enough strength for the throw.

I'll wait just a little bit more,
And then will get ready for my journey,

Towards the Dream and Hope.
Oh my star, please don't burn out, just wait!

How many paths do I have to go by?
How many peaks should I conquer to find my own self?
How long should I keep falling from the cliff?
How many times should I start from the beginning and is there any sense to it?

I'll wait just a little bit more,
And then will get ready for my journey,
Towards the Dream and Hope
Oh my star, please don't burn out, just waït!”

“That was beautiful, Sebastian.” A tear rolled down his cheek, though he was smiling. “You should be a star, yourself.”

“Thank you, Dmitri. That means a lot to me.”

He shuddered and his smile faded. “Can you take it out?”

“The knife?”

“Yes. Take it out, please.”

“But then...” I realised that was what he wanted. “I understand.”

“Thank you.”

I tenderly wrapped my fingers around the handle in his back and slid the blade out. There was a short pause before his life-blood began to flow freely out onto the cold, concrete floor. He smiled as Death’s embrace began to take hold.

“Wake me... when Svetlana comes home.” His eyes closed and he took his last breath.

A hot tear landed on his still-warm face. “I will.”

I set his body gently on the floor and pressed down the communicator in my ear lobe. “Nest, this is Cobra, reporting. Target has been neutralized, over.”

“Copy, Cobra, what’s your status?”

“Injured, but alive. There are multiple civilians being held captive. I’m going to do my best to free them, over.”

“Copy that, Cobra, we’re on our way. Nest out.”

After breaking into the office, I found a set of keys, a rag to stuff into my eye-hole, and my pistol. Through a very tiring effort, I managed to free all of the hostages. They ranged from an elderly couple, to a ten-year-old boy, to a young woman who seemed to think of me as her knight in shining armor, and many others. That was why he was so difficult to track, his crimes had had no pattern, no rhyme or reason to them. I checked all of the exits, but they’d all been barricaded or welded shut. Dmitri hadn’t planned on anyone escaping.

We would have to wait for help to come, and I didn’t know if I’d last that long. The small, but deep wound on my arm and my missing eye were beginning to take a toll on me. After a short time, I collapsed into the young womans arms and passed out.

I awoke to my partner, Donovan Vex, slapping me in the face.

“Hey, I guess that doesn’t just work in the movies.”

“Ach, fuck you, Donovan. I was having a good dream.”

“Looks like you’re the one who got fucked, my friend.” He seemed genuinely relieved I was okay.

He helped me up and I looked around. Soldiers and operatives were tending to the hostages and cleaning up the mess Dmitri made. The girl I’d saved approached us. I noticed that, now that the danger was gone, my damsel in distress was looking at me differently, in the ‘I want to jump your bones’ way. I smiled at her.

“Hello. I’m Anya.”

“Good evening. My name is Sebastian.”

“Listen, Sebastian, I don’t know how I can repay you for saving my life.”

“You need not worry, Anya. It is all part of the job. Though you’re welcome to try when I get out of the hospital.” I waggled my eyebrows at her, and she giggled. Donovan, who didn’t speak Russian, disregarded this and turned to me.

“So, Sebastian, what happened to your eye?”

“You don’t want to know, Donny. Let’s just say, I need a strong drink and a good woman.” I grabbed Anya around the waist and kissed her passionately.

“One down, one to go.”

Author's Note

Ik ben terug, Klootzakken! You know what they say, "When life gives you shitty computer problems, make lemonade!" Or maybe I'm paraphrasing...
Anyway, gaze ye upon it and be amazed: The Case File! A look into Zeeslang's life before Equestria. Expect violence, gore, drama, and sex, though not necessarily in that order. If anything's going to make me have to change the ratings, it's going to be these babies.
In an unrelated side-note, I'm looking for songs for our favorite illustrious sea-serpent to belt out with extreme prejudice. If you know any ballads, lullabies, serenades, or just something with crazy vocals, send me a PM with a link and maybe I'll stick it in there!
~PEACE

Chapter Six: Everybody Hurts, Everything Bleeds

Wake me... when Svetlana comes home.

I awoke again in my serpent body, and again, my scales itched and my skull throbbed. I wiped at my long nose with a claw, a difficult operation with my long neck. I again cursed my new body, and while I was at it, I cursed the sodden whore beside me. I rolled from the bed, reeling from my nightmare. My claw had come away crimson, and it seemed my runny nose was a bloody nose.

I crawled in agony to the bathtub, that I kept filled. My tail ached from constantly walking on it rather than using to swim as God intended. Washing my face in the tub, I listened to Water whispering to me and thought of God. Water spoke to me of gentle tide, crushing waves, life, death, infinity. It was clarity and madness and as much as I loved it, I hated it all the more. She was driving me mad.

"Zee? Are you ok?"

Her voice came in an echo, I couldn't look at her. Weeks she had been at my side, in my bed, and I couldn't recall her name. I crawled to my bedside, seeking comfort in the chemicals I had become accustomed to, sweet berry whiskey and fairy dust purchased from a suspicious gobulin in a dirty alleyway. I made two lines with the straight edge of my badge, and snorted them, the dust sticking to my wet snout. Forsaking the glass in favor of the bottle, I took two long swigs, coughing.

"Zee, I'm not going to do this anymore."

"I don't care. I'm leaving." Gathering my scattered thoughts and things, I put my gun in my belt and my trenchcoat over my shoulders. I looked at my rosary and thought of God again. I knew what I had to do.

The Sisters were giving a speech in the gardens. I pushed through the crowd to where they stood by the fountain.

"Zeeslang? Where have you been?" Luna, moonsister. Why had she done this to me? Was it my fault?

I pointed an accusing claw at her royal visage. "You! You are no God of mine!"

She stepped toward me, eyes full of concern. "Are you drunk?"

I drew my gun and the crowd gasped as I pointed it right at her. As I sighted her down the barrel, I thought of God. Maybe He would forgive me.

I tore my cross from my neck, throwing it to the ground. Then I put the gun in my mouth, deep down my throat, and pulled the trigger. I watched from outside as my body flopped into the fountain, gushing blood, soaking my father's trenchcoat.

I was dead, and in Heaven. The Creator of All Things stood beside me, passing His Judgement, which was apathy. I looked down on all of the universe with God. "Can I ask a question, My Lord?"

He laughed. "You just did."

"Can I ask a few more, then, Lord?"

"You just did!" He laughed again, then sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, scratching His Holy Junk through His Holy Gym Shorts. "Yeah sure, I have all the time in the universe. Just stop with all the 'Lord' nonsense. Royals wasn't even that good. Call me "Daddy"."

All of this made perfect sense to me. Of course He on his Golden Throne would sit in complete comfort.

"How come I'm not in Hell?"

God inhaled through his teeth, "See, about that, I actually don't have a lot of space up here. I got rid of Heaven and Hell because I needed room for my entertainment center and my computer desk. I recycle souls now, environmentally conscious and stuff. I've got Jesus back there and I might have a Gandhi if I looked somewhere but I mostly let you ask me a few questions and send you back."

"Why is there pain in the world, Daddy?"

"Because it's funny, and kinda sad sometimes. I mean, think about it; Kids dying in Africa? Hilarious, to this day."

This also made sense to me. God had a sense of humor. It was the only way He could do it all.

"Was there a point to any of this?"

"I don't think there was. I mean, you had a cool backstory and everything, but everything got pretty cringey when you switched worlds. I mean, you were like a cool, super secret, cyborg spy, and you gave that all up to be a gay snake in a kids cartoon show. I do like this ending though, I love the rejected-prophecy arc, instead of fulfilling all of this stupid bullshit you joined local theatre and then poked a hole in your brain in a drunken stupor. Brilliance, sheer brilliance.

I had one final question.

"What in the fuck is wrong with you?"

"Honestly, I get that one a lot, and more than anything I blame my parents. I don't wanna get into it. Is that it?"

"I guess so."

"Well, alright, don't let the door hit you on the way out."

I awoke again, with all of my memories, and to my surprise, in my own body. Hands, feet, a face, even my genitals, all intact and unscaled.

My friend John sat at the foot of my hospital bed. He was on his phone, texting probably.

My throat was as dry as a desert. "Water," I begged him.

He jumped as if he'd seen a ghost, leaping to my side and offering me a water bottle. I drank greedily, finding to my joy that the liquid was silent and dead. "Jesus Christ, Seb!"

"Jesus Christ is right, my friend. I have seen Daddy, and he's given me a second chance."

John gave me a funny look. "Well, you've been in a coma for a week, so I'm gonna go tell somebody that you're awake, all right?"

"Yes, thank you, John." I clutched my cross and thanked God for my salvation.

. . .

The crowd was silent, shocked. A reknowned public figure had just shot himself on national television. The newly unveiled Memorial Fountain was now circulating his bright serpent blood. Celestia leaned over her sister, speaking low. "We need to get the body out of here. There are children."

Luna couldn't believe it. This was her fault. She had done this. She stared in shock for a moment, then averted her eyes. "Yes, you're right. We need to get him out of here."

Then, she heard a sound that she wouldn't have expected in all of her long life. Applause.

Zee had gotten involved in local theatre and it seemed the crowd thought this was some kind of publicity stunt. She dared a look into the bloodied fountain, only to find Zeeslang climbing from the pink water, shaking liquid from his mane. She ran to him, but when she looked into his eyes, they weren't the eyes of her champion, but the eyes of a stranger. Zee's suicide had been very, terribly real.

He spoke, in an entirely different accent, "My goodness, Your Highness, my apologies for interrupting your proceedings, but I seem to find myself rather lost in unfamiliar territory."

Celestia took charge, as Luna was still reeling. "Your apology is accepted, if you'll give us the grace of your name, stranger."

"I am Nylle Blacktyde, of the Ottoma Crescent, infamous swashbuckler, privateer, and gentledrake when it suits me. I was on a quest to see my grandfather for his four-hundred and fifty-fifth birthday, when I had a nasty run-in with a gang of Kappa. My last memory is of their leader making a heavy helping of my entrails, but it seems I must have fought them off somehow. What are these absolutely drab rags that I'm wearing?" He reached into his mouth and removed the gun that had killed him moments ago. "And what in the ocean is this?"

Celestia quickly wrapped up the proceeding, and they whisked the serpent away, Luna trailing numbly. Blacktyde had discarded the brown coat that Zee had treasured so greatly. He was gazing somberly at the pistol in his hands. "I didn't fight off those Kappas, did I? I died on that riverbank, and then... I died again?"

Celestia looked at her sister. "Luna, I believe you owe Nylle an explanation."

Luna tried her best to put her motives into words that didn't sound utterly moronic. "Three weeks ago, I reanimated your body to serve as a vessel for a soul from another dimension. I intended to use this person as a pawn in a rather complicated conflict with other god-like entities and their own pawns. Supposedly this conflict was going to decide the fate of the universe, but everybody kind of just got bored of it and moved on."

Nylle wrinkled his magnificent blonde eyebrows. "If you'd forgive me, I would hate to question the motives of a princess, but why would you do something like that? Don't you have armies, knights, people whose jobs it is to fight for you? Why go through the trouble? Are you saying that my body has been running around higgledy-piggledy, controlled some codger from another universe, causing all kinds of havok and nonsense? I mean, thanks for bringing me back to life and all, but why didn't you just do that and not pull the whole soul-shuffling stunt? Somebody from this universe would have probably been better in almost every way in that situation. The whole thing just sounds profoundly stupid."

The princesses looked at each other and sighed, because they knew it was true. Nylle Blacktyde holstered the pistol in a motion that may or may not have been new to him. "I apologise, but I'm just trying to be frank. You wouldn't happen to know if Steven Magnet of Magneton still lives? As well as where I could procure some new garments? "

"He does, by chance. Follow me, Sir Blacktyde, and we'll see to your needs. I think my sister and I have both learned a rather hard lesson today." The elder celestial sister led the rather unfazed serpent away, while the younger picked up the sodden coat in her mouth, and flew back to her chambers. She washed Zeeslang's blood and brains off of it, and hung it to dry. When it did, she folded it and put it in a cedar box in her closet, and from then on for years afterward she would take it out on occasion to remind herself to not be retarded.

Fin

Author's Note

"The Checkers Game of the Gods was a mistake."
-Rusty Fishhook, author of Ther Berlled erff Echer therr Dermund Derg

Chaper One: Pianoman

My name is Zeeslang. Or you can call me Zee. Of course, that's not my real name, but it seemed fitting.
Anyway, I was given an offer to go to paradise and I took it. I never looked back. Here's my story. I regret nothing!

I was in a bar, a normal night of singing and dancing. And by singing and dancing, I mean singing and enjoying the free drinks I got for it. I performed at that bar quite regularly in those days, it was quiet, free drinks for performers, the people enjoyed good music. Although it was alot more crowded than I was used to that night. I practically couldn't hear my own thoughts with all the chatter. 'Well, can't keep 'em waiting'

I climbed up on stage and addressed the pub:

"Hey, big crowd out here tonight. Explains why I couldn't find a frickin' parking space."

Titters.

"Anyway, you guys didn't come to hear me talk, did you? So without further ado, gotta love that Billy Joel!"

Andrew, my pianist, started fiddling with the piano. I took a deep breath and sang.

It's nine o'clock on a Saturday,

The regular crowd shuffles in.

There's an old man sitting next to me,

Makin' love to his tonic and gin.

He says, Son can you play me a memory?

I'm not really sure how it goes,

But it's sad and it's sweet and I knew it complete,

When I wore a younger man's clothes.

La la la de de da.

la la de de da da dum.

Sing us a song, you're the piano man!

Sing us a song tonight,

Well, we're all in the mood for a melody,

And you've got us feelin' alright!

Now John at the bar is a friend of mine,

He gets me my drinks for free. (He gave me a thumbs-up, "You know it!")

And he's quick with a joke or to light up your smoke,

But there's someplace that he'd rather be.

He says, 'Bill, I believe this is killing me,'

As the smile ran away from his face,
'
Well I'm sure that I could be a movie star,

If I could get out of this place'

La la la de de da.

la la de de da da dum.

Now, Paul is a real estate novelist,

Who never had time for a wife,

And he's talking with Davy,

Who's still in the navy,

And probably will be for life.

And the waitress is practicing politics,

As the businessmen slowly get stoned,

Yes, they're sharing a drink they call loneliness,

But it's better than drinking alone!

Sing us a song, you're the piano man!

Sing us a song tonight.

Well, we're all in the mood for a melody,

And you've got us feelin' alright!

It's a pretty good crowd for a Saturday,

And the manager gives me a smile,
'
Cause he knows that it's me they've been coming to see, (He laughed, "You wish!")

To forget about life for awhile.

And the piano sounds like a carnival,

And the microphone smells like a beer,

And they sit at the bar and put bread in my jar,

And say "Kid, what are you doin' here?"

La la la de de da.

la la de de da da dum.

Sing us a song, you're the piano man!

Sing us a song tonight.

Well, we're all in the mood for a melody,

And you've got us feelin' alright!

After a three-song set, I took a break, got a Rum and Coke at the bar, and sat on one of the stools to give my pipes a well-deserved rest. After getting attuned to the mindless chatter of our patrons, I noticed something that disturbed me greatly.

Crying.

Yeah, I'm a big softie. I just can't stand people crying. When I hear broken sobs, my paternal instincts kick in, and I just need to do something about it. Sue me. I set my drink back on the bar and set out into the crowd. It didn't take
me long to find what I was looking for.

Mijn heer, she was beautiful. Her hair was like night, so black it was almost blue, tiny specks of glitter like stars. It looked like it was flowing in some unseen wind. Wait, I'm not that drunk, am I? She was wearing a black leather outfit that hugged her body like a second skin, and it was adorned with little badges everywhere. Strange. Her face was indescribably beautiful. And wet.

"Hey." I sat down across from her. She looked up but didn't answer. There aren't many people on this earth who still look pretty when they cry, but she was one of them. Dainty little tears flowed down her perfect face, over quivering, fragile lips, where they wiggled hesitantly before falling gently to the table, where they joined their sisters in silent testament to their mistresses misery. God, I'm feeling poetic today.

I tried again. "What's such a pretty young thing like you doing, being sad on a night like tonight?"

"It's not fair!" She cried, literally and figuratively.

Of course. "What isn't fair?"

"They started the game without me! Now, even my sister is talking about playing! What am I supposed to do? I'll never be able to find someone nice enough to play with me!" She started sobbing with renewed vigor, putting her head down on the table. Now, I couldn't let such a beautiful girl be sad when there was something I could do about it, so I said something that would change my life forever.

"I'll play with you."

She jumped up, instantly excited. "You will? Ooh, the fun has been doubled!"

Before I was done comprehending that reference, she grabbed my hand and started dragging me to the back exit. I quickly called to the manager over my shoulder, "Mike! My break is gonna be a bit longer than I expected!"

He winked. "Take pictures!"

How does she even know where the back door is? As far as I know, the only person who even uses this door is Andrew, when he needs to take a smoke break. She pushed the door open and we found ourselves in the alleyway behind the bar. The mystery girl let go of my hand and turned to me, an expectant look on her face.

I decided to start. "So, what's this game you wanted to- mpff!"

I was interupted by an inexperienced pair of lips smashing into mine. She ran her tongue over my lips, then penetrated them, probing my teeth, and focusing especially on my cuspids and incisors. Her hands felt my butt and ran over the base of my spine, as if searching for something. Then she broke the kiss, as if nothing had happened. I licked the excess saliva from my lips, giving her my best 'What the hell?' look.

"Is that the game you wanted to play?" I asked when I was done cleaning my lips. It would've been rude to wipe it off.

"Sorry, no. I just wanted to know what it feels like."

"Vloek. You mean, that was your first?"

"Well, yes and no..."

"...Go on."

"Well, it wasn't my first ever, but my first as a human. I just wanted to know what a human kiss felt like."

"So that wasn't the game." Even crazy people need someone to talk to.

"No. I need to make sure you're strong enough before you play the game." Her eyes suddenly widened and she pointed a finger over my shoulder. "Look behind you!"

I turned to look and saw a man in a trench coat and goggles. I couldn't see much more than that, it was dark in the alley, and he was silhouetted by the only streetlamp. He had a gun pointed at me. I moved over to protect the girl with my body.

"Give me your wallet and the girl and you leave with your life."

"Not likely, klootzak. Finders keepers. And if you try to shoot me, That guy behind you will see." He didn't look back, but he stiffened, as if debating whether or not to. That was all I needed. In that single moment of hesitation, I dashed forward and grabbed his gun arm, then, using that forward momentum, wrenched it behind him, dislocating his shoulder.

"OW! FUCK! I'll kill you, you bastard!"

"Well, now you've used foul language in front of a lady. Perhaps you need a lesson in etiquette?" I brought an elbow down into his arm, breaking it. Using this distraction, I yanked the gun from his grip and pushed him to the ground. I dropped the clip from the gun and pulled the hammer, rendering it temporarily useless. I threw it aside.

"Now, you can stand up and fight me like a man, or you can run away with your tail between your legs like the laf varken you are. Your choice, either way, I win."

The dark man just chuckled, when by all rights he should be writhing in pain. "You have confidence in your abilities, then?"

"As well I should. Ex-police. I know how to dispatch a threat."

"Ex-police?" This is some crazy hekserij right here. He should have passed out from pain by now, and here he was, talking to me like we were having a friendly chat in some coffee shop.

"Ja. I resigned because I wanted to further my singing career. You can see how well that worked out." I gestured toward the bar and the alley in general. Indeed, I had quit law enforcement to get into show business, and it came back to bite me in the aars. Now I was almost broke and barely getting by with the petty cash I made in some pub that was rich with personality, but not with geld. I knew I could do so much better.

"Well, that settles it!" The girl suddenly piped up. She snapped her fingers once and the dark man disappeared in a puff of smoke.

"Jezus Christ!" I knew it! Hundreds of girls in this city, and I always get the crazy gypsies! I whipped out my rosary and thrust it at her.

"De kracht van Christus dwingt u, de kracht van Christus dwingt u!" I shouted, hoping to ward her off. She just raised an eyebrow and waited for me to calm down. Eventually I ran out of breath. Even with a singer's lung capacity, righteous chanting is hard to sustain for extended periods of time.

"Are you done?" She actually sounded a little worried about me, panting like I was.

"Ja, (pant) Sorry, (pant) I guess I overreacted. Adrenaline." I tucked the cross back into my shirt, satisfied. Gypsy or not, no servant of Satan could withstand the full force of a tiny silver Jesus on a chain. I decided to hear what she had to say.

Now that I was calm, she continued. She pulled a pair of round, shiny sunglasses out of her generous cleavage and put them on. "What if I told you that I could help you live your dream? I have powerful connections in a land far from here. You could start over, live your life anew. I could make you what you always wanted to be."

"Is that why you brought me here? For a foreign record deal?" I've done this whole shebang before, it's what brought me to America in the first place. See how well that went? Land of Oppurtunity my aars.

"No. You're here because you feel it. You've felt it since the day you were born, that there's something wrong with this world. You don't know what it is, but it's there. Like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me."

"You dragged me out here." I deadpanned.

"Unfortunately, no one can be told what Equestria is like. You have to see it for yourself." Once again she reached into her cleavage, only this time, she pulled out a small silver box. This, she opened, and then dropped two capsules into her hands.

"This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. If you take the blue pill-" She opened her left hand, revealing a tiny blue pill. "The story ends, you wake up at the bar and believe, whatever you want to believe. If you take the rainbow pill-" She opened her right hand, and in it was a multicolored tablet. "We go to Equestria, and I show you how deep the plothole goes."

I saw my two choices reflected in her glasses: Blue, or Rainbow. There was only one choice. "Remember, all I offer you is a chance, nothing more." I took my pill and swallowed it with a glass of water she pulled out of nowhere. I heard thunder from somewhere. If I end up in The Matrix, I'm gonna be pissed.

"I never caught your name, Fraai."

She smiled coyly. "Call me Luna."

Before I could reply to this, she jumped back suddenly. "I've been wanting to do this ever since I got here," She drew her arm back, "FALCON... PAAAWWWWNNNNCH!"

With a gout of fire and the cry of a falcon, I was gone.

Chapter Five: I Appear to Have Found Myself in the Unfortunate Situation of Having Mine Person Tinged a Cerulean Pigment

I rolled my shoulders, and cracked my neck, then bounced a few times to get familiar with the weight I was carrying. When I was comfortable I licked my lips and began.

"Geef me een uitdaging."

The diamond dog charged me. In a single movement I pulled out my spear and used it to bat his sword aside. I then bullrushed him and impaled him on it, letting go of the spear at just the right moment so he fell backwards and balanced on the shaft like a demented Christmas tree.

I yanked my dagger out of its sheath and taunted my attackers. "A Diamond Dog? C'mon, be creative, I can take it!"

I heard a roar behind me and turned to find myself face to face with a bull manticore. "That's what I'm talkin' about!" With a quick swipe of the dagger, I slashed the beast across both eyes, then ducked under it's flailing paws. Sidestepping around it, I stabbed it once at the base of the tail, then twice in the back of the neck, silencing it. Yet another Diamond Dog tried to catch me unawares. He fired his net gun once, and while he was trying to reload, I slithered up to him, slit his gut open, spilling entrails everywhere, then buried the dagger in his eye.

"Verrek. I stabbed too hard." Indeed, I had gotten the short blade stuck in the bone.

Now, I was weaponless. They would try to finish me off.

As if on cue, a massive magenta dragon landed not fifty feet from me. It reminded me of something.

Mentally preparing myself, I took an absolutely gargantuan breath, my sides billowing out like sails. I could feel the stored power reverberating in my chambers, stretching my ribs almost to the point of pain. When I was sure my magically enhanced lungs couldn't hold any more, I let loose, the gases flowing over my vocal cords and giving them shape.

"JOOR ZAH FRUL!" I could see the air ripple in front of me as the force of my voice lashed at the dragon. Saying she flinched would be an understatement. The force rocked her sideways, her head swinging like a giant clocks pendulum. Now, generally, in my upright stance I use most of the time, I don't move very fast, but if I use my whole body, I can gain a lot of speed in a short amount of time. I dashed to her side and, I don't know how, I don't know why, and if you asked me to repeat it, I doubt I could, but somehow, I JUMPED onto her back. I then wrapped my tail around her throat and began resolutely choking her. She was dying, but not fast enough. I just wanted to get this over with. My maw opened and bit down on her neck. Hard. She screamed like a banshee, so I increased the pressure, severing her spine. The massive creature fell to the ground, throwing up a fountain of dust. I flopped off her and slithered away as she disintegrated into shards of magenta glass before fading into oblivion. I spread my arms as I spun in a slow circle:

"ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?" I shouted loudly, though not quite at Thu'um level.

"Ah... (pant) shut.... (pant) up....."

"Tired, Shiny? I haven't even broken a sweat!"

"(pant) You don't sweat, Zee. (pant)"

I helped the tired unicorn up, laughing. As usual, he started complaining. "Ugh, I haven't been this tired since..."

"Last night?" I gave him a knowing smile.

"Remember what I said about shutting up? What Cadence and I do is none of your business." He glared at me. I grinned even wider.

"I never said anything about Cadence."

"You... didn't... but... UGH!"

We began walking back to the barracks. I decided to push for details.

"When are you going to make an honest filly out of her? You two seem pretty sewn up by now. And Tia wouldn't have a problem with it."

He sighed heavily. "I don't know, Zee. It's like, well, we just got comfortable, you know? I'm a Captain now, she decided to move to Canterlot permanently, the Princess finally allowed us to share quarters. I just don't want to screw that up!"

"Hmm... I don't see how putting a ring on it would ruin that. Am I going to have to sing 'Single Ladies'?"

"Please don't. I'll... I'll think about it. Hey, there you are!" Obviously trying to avoid the subject, he exuberantly greeted his fellow Captains. Barry, with her usual brash honesty,

"Well, I'm all sweaty and dusty. I think I'm gonna hit the showers!" She had been training with Harbinger, just as I had been training with Shining. As we all answered directly to the princesses, I couldn't tell if I outranked them, if they outranked me, or if we were equals. While I wasn't in-command of the guards, I could tell them what to do, though I usually didn't. Nonetheless, they were the only ones who gave me a challenge in combat, so I trained with them regularly. And I had been learning.

"Barricade, we shower after EVERY practice. You don't need to announce it." I was brought forcefully back to reality. well, Shiny obviously didn't want to talk anymore, and I didn't want to intrude. I was about to head to the pond when I heard something that surprised me greatly.

"Hey, Zee, you want to join us?"

I turned with a confused look, then looked behind me. Obviously she had been talking to some other Zee. Seeing no one there, I turned back and gestured to myself in disbelief. "Mij?"

"No, the other Zee. Come on, you overgrown lizard." The yellow pegasus grabbed me by the tail with her mouth and began dragging me forcefully. I didn't protest. You don't argue with Barricade if you value your testicles. Normally I bathed in the decorative pond in the garden after strenuous training, because I often got covered in dust from the arena. Apparently, the pegasus captain had misinterperited my isolation as shyness, and gone about remediating it, in her own brash way. Which meant dragging me into the showers and attempting to rip off my coat and harness.

"Ik kan het, dankzij." I waved her off, slightly disgruntled. For once she didn't need me to translate. I began undressing, slipping out of the trenchcoat and unbuckling my harness and belt. After a few minutes of searching, I managed to dig up an extremely dusty bottle of Dr. Sparkleen's Super-Shiny Scale Polish. (Make your dragon feel like a queen, with a healthy helping of Sparkleen!) If that's not a bad omen, I don't know what is.

Toting my healthy helping of Sparkleen, I slithered wetly out of the locker room and into the showers. Most of the time, I at least wore my harness and belt if not my coat, even when swimming, and as a result I felt a little naked. Shiny was already enjoying a steamy stream while my good friend Harby helped Barricade out of her armor.

"Ah! You're making it worse, ya big lug!" Somehow, with her head stuck in the golden carapace, she still managed to thump him on the chest with a forehoof.

"Staat u mij." I gently nudged Harbinger out of the way and took a firm hold of her hauberk. I then twisted it slightly and gave a quick jerk, and voila, Barricade popped out, the sweat making a pop like a cork. I set the armor down.

"Thanks, Zee." She smiled and went to find a shower of her own. I caught myself staring at her flanks waggling back and forth, pink tail trailing the wet floor with a swishing noise.

I bit my lower lip and stuck my chin in the air, before chuckling and slithering to the stall next to Shinys. I didn't often see my comrades out of their armor, so this was an illuminating experience for me. I couldn't help but sneak peeks at them as I rubbed the scale polish over myself. Harbinger Doom. It was hard to tell in the armor, but he was a bit lopsided, his hind legs had ALOT more mass than his forelegs. Shining Armor. Well... I can see why Cadence is still interested after all these years. Finally, Barricade Shy. The spitting image of her daughter, but hardened in the fires of war. And alot more muscular. And DAYUM, that flank.

My inherent perversion aside, that scale polish was working miracles. Seriously, you would think my scales had been made of dirt or something. Now, I closely resembled a cyan disco ball. Thinking my own thoughts, I shampooed my mane as the others whipped each other with wet towels, patted each other on the butt, and boasted about their sex lives. Generic high-school locker room stuff, I guess. I wouldn't know, I was homeschooled. That got me thinking about my life before Luna brought me to paradise. That got me thinking about paradise itself. The days blurred together for me. Training with the Captains, wandering Canterlot with Grand Tour, reading in the library with Card Catalog... and my special nights with Luna. How I cherished those nights.

Mostly I just tried to stay out of the way, and luckily, we were all done relatively quickly. I finished drying my mane and wrapped the towel around where my waist should be, tucking in so it stayed up. I noticed that Shining Armor and Harby had both left already. Barry, fueling the stereotype, was taking a bit longer, fussing with her mane in front of the mirror.

"Alstublieft, allow me." I slid up behind her and took her pink locks in my claws.

"Don't bother, Zee. When it's wet, I can't do anything with it. I'll just have to walk around like this the rest of the day, like I always do." She tried to wave me off. I wasn't having that.

"Teef, dan kunt u. Stand still, this will only take a moment." She huffed as I ran my claws through her mane, straightening it. I began separating it. All of my past girlfriends had been impressed with my grooming skills, it came as a second nature to me. When you were raised as I was, being presentable is almost as important as breathing.

"So, how's life?"

"Are you seriously trying to make small talk? Just hurry up, I've got privates to drill."

I tried to contain my laughter. "....You've got what? To what now?"

"Shut up. Recruits to train. Idiot."

"Heheh. You're funny when you're angry."

"You're funny when you're dead. And I need a good laugh."

"Klootzak."

"Prick."

"Lul."

"They don't count if they're in crazy serpent gibberish. I swear you're making that up."

"Het heet het Nederlands, je onbenul, en ik kan u verzekeren met de grootst mogelijke vertrouwen dat het een legitieme taal die ik al mijn hele leven spreken. Het feit dat ik niet in staat zijn geweest om een Equestrian equivelent ervan vinden, doet niet af aan dit feit. You are correct. I am, in fact, making it up as I go along. Idioot."

"Point taken, you don't have to be a smart-ass."

"Now go. Drill your privates." I finished up the elegant braid and tied it off.

"You know, this actually looks... Kinda good." She flipped her mane in the mirror.

"If you hang out with me enough, you may find I actually know what I'm doing."

"Like I said, you don't have to be a smart-ass. Thanks, Zee." She fluttered up to my face and gave me a peck on the cheek, before flying out the door to drill some privates. I smiled as I rubbed the affected cheek.

I quickly redressed and found myself heading up to the Canterlot Library.

"Hallo, Cat."

"Hey, sugar. Here for some light reading?" The sand-colored pony behind the desk greeted me, not looking up from her book. When Twilight had gone to live in Ponyville, Card Catalog had been called upon to run the Canterlot Library. She was almost the spitting image of the mayor of Ponyville, half-moon glasses and all, though her mane was black and her cutie mark was an open book rather than a scroll. No matter what she was doing, somehow, she could do it without looking up from whatever she was reading. I didn't even know what color her eyes were.

"Ja, a bit of 'light' reading to pass the time before my little date."

This was a running joke between us. Her and Twilight Sparkle are the only two mortal, living creatures to have read the entire Canterlot library. I was close to becoming the third.

I'd started by becoming familiar with the way Equestria and the surrounding countries worked. Equestria appeared to be run like some sort of sixteenth-century monarchy, Gem Fido, the Griffin Dominion, and the isles of Zebrica were all anarchist. There was also mention of other countries, like Alltasia in the north, and Atlantis in the Ring Sea, but not much was known about them, for being too hostile or too remote. The latter actually intrigued me, but I had my duty to the princesses, and I wasn't about to shirk it for some sightseeing at the bottom of the ocean.

Then I'd moved on to the practical sciences that I would need for my field of work. I still wasn't entirely clear what that was, but it doesn't hurt to be prepared, and the way Luna talked about it, I was either some sort of super-cop, or a privateer. I was fine with either of these things. Loons and Tia were good at their jobs, and they ruled with universal benevolence, if they need me to crack a few skulls along the way, I'll do it gladly.

So I studied. The Equestrian Justice system, weapondry, biology, medicine, martial arts, even etiquette. Yeah, I know, you're probably thinking, 'Why are you studying pony etiquette when all you're going to be doing is beating people up?' And I would answer with my dads old mantra, 'You'd be surprised how many problems you can solve just by being polite.' By the time I'd read about all these subjects, I realized I'd gone through almost a third of the library in a single night. Hence the joke.

"Good, because I've picked out a few that I think you might be interested in..." with a hoof, she gestured to a pile of books next to her, which I scooped up with gusto.

"You keep me happy, Cat." She snickered at this as I took my usual place by the window. I pulled my reading glasses and pipe out of my coat. Slipping the glasses over my eyes, I lit the already-packed pipe with a few snaps of my fingers. Yes, snapping my fingers can create a spark. I don't understand it either. The book had a ribbon bookmark in it, so I decided to start there.

Feather Tail turned to her master, flabbergasted at this. "Certainly not, kind sir! I am here but to clean your chambers." Colton Flight twisted his moustache, amused by her outburst. He liked them with a little fight in them.

"Is that all you have come here for, little one? My chambers?"

Feather Tail scuffed her feet on the floor, looking away. "I have no idea what it is you imply, master. I am but a poor Griffin maid."

Colton ran his velvet eyes over her young, but toned body. Her wings were flared, inviting him in for a rough landing. "So you are, my dumpling. And a good one at that. Such strong wings and shapely flanks."
Feather Tail turned bright red at the mention of her flanks. "You embarrass me, sir!"

The stallion gave a dismissive wave of his hoof, "Fear not. You are safe here with me."

Feather Tail tried to change the subject, beak as red as a tomato. "I must finish my cleaning, sir. The mistress will have my head if I do not!"

Colton chuckled, bringing his weapon to bear. "Cleaning, eh? I have something for you. Here, polish my spear."

The young griffin ran her eyes up the long, stiff shaft, before settling on the gleaming head. All pretense of embarassment gone, she exclaimed, "But it is huge! It could take me all night!"
"Plenty of time, my sweet. Plenty of time."

ಠ_ಠ Wat. I flipped a few pages forward and continued reading.

"My goodness, that's quite a loaf! But how ever shall it fit my oven?"

The pegasuses wings stood on end as he explained to his servant. "This loaf isn't ready for baking, my sweet. It has yet to rise."

"If only we could hurry that along. How would I accomplish such a task?"

Colton gazed at her lovingly. "Oh, my foolish little Griffin maid, you must use your claws."

"You wish me to knead the loaf? Here?" She took the loaf in her inexperienced talons and began to knead it with gusto.

Colton gasped at her enthusiasm. After regaining his composure he said simply, "Of course."

Feather Tail hesitated a moment before asking a question that had been burning all night in time with her loins. "But what if the mistress catches me? Your loaf was meant to satisfy her appetite."

"Don't fret, my delicate flower. I'll satisfy the mistress's cravings later." He patted her on the head as she replied;

"Very well, but I'm afraid my oven isn't hot enough. It could take hours!"

"Plenty of time, my sweet. Plenty of time."

Okay, what the hell? I flipped the book over to read the title: Colton Flight and the Provocative Griffin Maid: Quest for the Golden Snatch.

"Really, Cat? Where'd you get this, your personal collection?" I tossed the book in her general direction. She caught it in a hoof, not looking up.

"Don't throw literature." She replied, though she had a smile on her face.

I checked the rest of the stack: 111 Facts About Aquatic Equestrian Life, The Lives and Biology of Sea Serpents, The Siren of Stalliongrad, and several similar titles could be found. Grateful that Catalog had completed her trolling, I began to read without further complaint.

I learned many things that day. According to the estimations in the texts, my new body was just over sixteen years old, making me exactly half my human age. In my new body, I would live to be six hundred or more, and would continue growing until I die, similar to a fish. That was just the tip of the iceberg . But what really interested me was the chapter on sea serpents singing prowess. Apparently, this was due to their unusual vocal cords. Most Equestrian species had one, two, or three sets of them. Serpents had eight, and, in addition, could control them individually, allowing them to do things with sound that I bet even DJ P0N-3 would envy.

I raised an eyebrow at this. I began playing the Wilhelmus, holding a hand over one of my gills. Sure enough, I could feel the reverberations of the sounds coming through them. So that's where the music came from! I decided to celebrate my now understood ability by playing something a bit more complicated.

I patted the pile of books next to me as I bookmarked the one I was reading. "Cat, can you reserve these for me, please?"

"Anything for you, sugar."

I nodded and exited the library. Doing the first techno song that came to mind, I addressed a random passersby.

"Yo, listen up, here's a story,

about a little guy that lives in a blue world,

and all day and all night and everything he sees,

is just blue, like him, inside and outside,

blue his house, with a blue little window,

and a blue corvette,

and everything is blue for him and hisself,

and everybody around,

cos he ain't got nobody to listen."

At the beginning of the chorus I began to dance, swaying on my tail and moving my arms to the beat. Several perplexed ponies followed me out of curiosity as I sang the chorus, gesturing to my body as I pointed out my own apparent azurity. Indeed, my fascination with the color blue and its presence on my person was apparently engaging to them, as was likely my strange delusion that many objects surrounding me shared in my berylness. Once again the bass dropped and my dancing paused before resuming with vigor. Several of the ponies in the gathered crowd began to bob to the beat as well. I continued my story.

"I have a blue house with a blue window.

blue is the color of all that I wear.

blue are the streets and all the trees are too."

I grabbed a random cobalt mare and gave her a peck on the cheek. "I have a girlfriend, and she is so blue." Her eyes grew lusty and she began dancing rather unladylike, bumping into me suggestively. I rolled with it.

"Blue are the ponies here that walk around,

blue like my corvette, it's standing outside.

Blue are the words I say and what I think.

Blue are the feelings that live inside me."

The crowd filled almost the entire corridor, my impromptu concert clogging the traffic and snagging in more ponies the longer it went on. Soon, I had a legitimate mosh pit happening in the halls of Canterlot Castle, many of my thralls were either singing or humming along. One of the unicorns decide to put on a light show with his horn, causing lasers and strobe lights to start flashing, adding to the chaos.

To think, a minute ago, I had been sitting in the library, quietly reading and puffing on my pipe. They were all
under the spell of my music, releasing their inhibitions and giving into their animal instincts, flailing their limbs and banging their heads. I saw two of them actually begin making out right there in the crowd. The respectful circle that had originally formed around me closed and I was right there in the crowd, sweaty pony bodies rubbing against me. The music pulsing out of my gills were the closest thing to a guide they had, so I guided them.

Unfortunately, all good songs must come to an end. The last pulse of the bass leaked out of my gills, and all the ponies began blinking surprisedly, disbanding almost drunkenly. I heard the mare and her partner, who had been so enthusiastically swapping saliva a few seconds earlier, exclaim simultaniously, "Who are you?" before introducing themselves and wandering off together. I smiled at this display, maybe Cadence isn't the only one who can hook ponies up.

Then I realised I was being stared at. The blue pony who had become my improvised girlfriend was looking at me with a wistful smile on her face. "Ja?"

She came closer and began rubbing me with her neck. "Thanks. That was alot of fun."

"You're quite welcome, Mevrouw...?"

She continued rubbing. "Navy Blue. Call me Navy Blue. What's your name?"

"You may call me Zeeslang."

"Well, Zeeslang, what do ya say we get a coffee sometime?"

I stroked her mane. "That sounds wonderful, but it seems we have a visitor." A red Unicorn approached us, clopping his hooves on the ground with extra emphasis, apparently applauding me.

"Bravo, bravo, I say! What a splendid performance! Mister Zeeslang, I applaud you!" He spoke with a posh accent to match his style, a red coat with gold buttons, as well as a pair of black sunglasses.

"Dank u, mijnheer." I answered politely, still cradling the ultramarine mare to my side.

"Oh, but where are my manners? My name is Red Carpet, Producer, Director and Talent Agent." He held out a hoof for me to shake. "I haven't seen such raw talent from a single individual in... Well, ever! If you would accept sir, I am currently looking for a lead role in my production for the Canterlot Artisans Guild. I would like you to be that lead."

I turned to Navy Blue, then back to him. "Well, I've got nothing better to do."