Celebrity Dating Game

Chapters

Dating is for Losers
Twilight Sparkle
Rarity
Pinkie Pie
Applejack
Fluttershy
Rainbow Dash
And the Winner is...

Dating is for Losers

You will not date a pony.

In fact, you won't be dating at all. Dating is for losers.

Seriously, who dates? Losers, that's who. Those with nothing better to do than waste their time with someone else, and, loving them. It's those who clearly don't have an Xbox.

Yuck. Non-gamers.

You didn't really need love here. Your hand does plenty of loving anyways.

You came to this conclusion as you strolled through downtown Ponyville on a cool, yet sunny Hearts and Hooves Day. And you dwelt on it.

All throughout town, ponies held hooves, gave each other goo-goo eyes, or made out behind a dumpster. It was absolutely disgusting! Couldn't they find a room to do all that? Have they no shame?

Wearing your favorite pair of jeans, a simple striped T-shirt, and your Nikes, you made your way to the grocery district, part of downtown, ready to cross a few items off your shopping list and head back home. Being out on Hearts and Hooves Day was like poking your own eyes with a smoldering iron, so you also chose to wear a pair of semi-dark sunglasses.

As you pass a small café, sitting at one of the decorated outdoor tables, was a couple, oohing and ahhing at each other, making fish-like kissy faces.

Feeling a bit of momentary rage, you stop and glare at them. "That's gross! Will you get a room? Nobody wants to see you hump each other while they're eating!" You only catch a glimpse of their surprised and confused faces as you spin away and storm off to get your business done.

The nerve of those ponies! Showing public affection...

The tomato stand was clear when you approached it, still mad about earlier. You reach into your bag hanging from your shoulder and pull out some bits, the necessary amount for the red fruits after the recent price change. Plus, being the only human in Equestria and all had its perks; all your food was half priced.

The grey-and-black pony greets you with a nod as you place four tomatoes on the counter, along with eight bits.

"That it?" he asks, taking the bits into a bucket to his left. It didn't have very many in it, so the bits he put in noisily bounced around within until they settled.

"Yeah, that's it," you reply, slightly annoyed at his question. What, did he think you were planning on paying for tomatoes in increments? Did he think you would be buying tomatoes four at a time or something?

He places the tomatoes in a brown bag and hands them over to you. "Have a good day, Anon." After a moment's hesitation, he adds, "Say, are you seeing somepony for Hearts and Hooves Day? I bet you'd make some mare really happy." He gave a chuckle.

Really? These ponies just don't get it! "No! Nor will I ever! Why on earth would I ever want to hold a relationship with a pony? I'd be better off with a dog!" Or my hand, you add to yourself as you roll your eyes and toss the sack of tomatoes over your back before you walk away, mumbling a few expletives as you move on to the next stand.

Why did he think you'd want to date a pony? Pfft. Most mares were taken by today, anyway. There weren't many left, as even the most ugly of stallions could hook up with someone. All it took was to ask.

You walk past a couple near a jeweler, and the stallion was on his knees, presenting a glittering gold and diamond ring to his marefriend, who was crying tears of joy as he asked her to marry him.

"I hope she says no you weiner!" you call out, cupping your hands around your mouth and chuckling as they both gave you dirty looks. They probably didn't expect you, of all Equestrians, to be spiteful of such a beautiful moment.

Wait... did you just call it a beautiful moment?

You stop in the middle of the dirt path and slap yourself silly a few times, earning a few curious stares from nearby ponies.

What is wrong with you? Ponies marrying wasn't beautiful! It was angering! It was revolting! Why did you even think about it in the first place? Must be losing your touch.

You continue on, ignoring the many couples around you, who were expressing their happiness, their love, their fulfillment.

You turn and head for the local bar. You're thinking too much. Now you need alcohol to clear your thoughts.

You slip the unfinished list of needs back into your bag to forget until tomorrow. Shopping on a day like this was useless. You should have known ponykind would interfere with your plans.

As much as they all adored your presence amongst them, you didn't. You weren't even supposed to be here. It was an accident that you came to this colorful, pony-filled land. Whatever. It didn't matter. When you went to any pubs, bars, or breweries in Equestria, drinks were on the house. That much was good.

Whatever. It didn't matter. When you went to any pubs, bars, or breweries in Equestria, drinks were on the house. That much was good.

Upon entering the bar, only a few stallions were inside, drinking away their pain and lonliness. You'd be joining them.

Tossing your bag on the floor beside a stool and sitting down heavily, you tap the counter. "Hit me with something strong."

The bartender shrugs. "Sure. Why are you here, Anon? Ain't you got a girl to be loving on a day like today?" As he pours you your request, you give him your evil eye, without a response. He sets the glass in front of you and shrugs again. "Don't blame me for asking. Curiosity."

You grunt and down the glass instantly. The bartender raises an eyebrow. "What?" you ask, giving him a look. "I'm thirsty."

He takes the glass and refills it. "Sure, sure."

You snatch up the glass and gulp it down a second time, feeling the liquid burn your throat and bring tears to your eyes. "Dear god... What the hell is this, acid?" You cough and gag.

The pony shrugs again. "Something strong."

"Whatever... just fill the glass again." You lay your head on your arms and sigh. Bad day already, and you just left home ten minutes ago. That might be a record.

The glass slides and taps your arm, spilling a little of its contents. You sit up and sip it, giving another deep, unsatisfied sigh. What were you going to do?

It was Hearts and Hooves Day, and you can't get away from your loneliness. It's been existent since you came to Equestria. There were no humans besides yourself here. So really, you had but one option.

Date a pony.

You immediately gag at that thought. The alcohol didn't help.

No no no, you thought quickly, I am not partaking in besteality.

But who was there to date? The animals in the forest? A griffon?

Giving an exhasperated sigh, you give up. The only way to end your tormenting sadness and blazing rage was to date...

... A pony.

The bartender notices the look on your face and refills your glass.

Twilight Sparkle

Later that night, after you stumbled home, concerned passers-by offering assistance only to receive slurred cursing with half-hearted waves of dismissal with your hands, you pass out, but wake up several hours into the night.

Your head is killing you, and it appears you've emptied your stomach on the bed and floor in your room.

You sit up and groan, rubbing your head gingerly. "Ugh... free booze comes with a catch..."

Still fully dressed, you slip clumsily out of your pants and shirt, tossing them aside, and stand up to use the restroom. As you do this, you apparently step just right onto a puddle of vomit and slip, falling onto the wooden floor with a heavy thud.

"Ow! Son of a bitch!"

You get up and throw a fit, kicking the bed and stubbing your toe. "Ow, dammit!" You collapse on the bed, rolling around in agony until the pain subsides.

You get up a second time, limping out into the hall towards the bathroom, where you nearly fill the toilet with stomach acid and any remaining booze in your system.

"Geesh..." You flush and wander back down the hall to your sparsely stocked kitchen. There was a nagging, dull ache in your stomach, signaling that you needed to eat. Opening the fridge only made things worse. The only meat available in Equestria was fish, which got old within weeks of being teleported here from that damn PlayStation VR game. No bacon, no beef, and no chicken. God, how were you even alive still? What human can withstand lack of bacon?

You close it and sigh unhappily, going to the cabinets to grab some peanut butter and jelly to make a few sandwiches.

While you did this, thoughts about earlier crept into your mind.

It was apparent by the same two comments made about how you should have someone how lonely you are. You've been in this land, in this world, for almost a year now. That's a long time to be without company. And although you've hung out with some of the ponies here, it never amounted to much.

You finish devouring your two sandwiches and head back to your room, still deep in thought.

There had to be something you could do to end your loneliness. And you knew what that was. But you just couldn't do it.

Dating a pony just didn't really appeal to you in any sense. But as you'd concluded the other day, they were the only true options. No other sentient beings here that were any better.

Leaving the puke on the floor because you were lazy and tired, but mostly lazy, you crawl into bed like a pathetic worm.

If you were going to date a pony, you were going to date a really good one. But which pony in this vast land was best, especially for you? You've never gotten to know anypony in particular. Except...

Except the Elements of Harmony.

Squirming around under the covers, you realize that they were truly the only ponies you actually liked, if even a little. They were kind of cool. And to be honest with yourself: they were very likeable, even for ponies.

Much to your chagrin, you also realize you might even find them... slightly attractive. You shiver violently at that thought.

Now that you've pretty much decided upon the Element Bearers, which one? There were six. All with fairly decent personalities. How were you ever to pick just one?

Hmm...

The only way to determine which of them was best for you was to date them all. And that's assuming they would all even date you. But there was only one way to find out.

You curl up and pull the pillow over your head. You were done thinking this through. Tomorrow, you'd take action.

You awake the next day with a heavy pounding in your head. You sit up and rub your head gently, thinking that it was your hangover. But you soon realize that it was actually somepony at your door.

Climbing out of bed and tossing your black cargo shorts on, you make your way down the hall to your front door, yawning loudly. Who could this be at 1 pm?

You unlock the door and crack it open, peeking out.

Twilight Sparkle stands there, smiling and waving. "Hey, Anon! Can I have a moment of your time please?"

You open the door the rest of the way. Twilight was one pony you were pretty familiar with. She was always wanting to examine you, do tests, or ask questions about you and your "homeworld". She was pretty, cool, nice, and smart. Good qualities in a girl, right?

You smile back down at the purple princess Alicorn. "Twilight! So good to see you. Won't you come in?" You step aside and wave her into your humble abode.

She nods and trots in. "Thanks. I just came by to see if you'd like to go over some of the test results from the weekend." She stands and watches you close the door, turning back to her.

Twilight was the perfect candidate for the start of your plan. The dorky, intelligent mare was actually kind of cute. But how should you go about asking her out? Just lay the question on her? Dating was new to you, mostly. In the human world, your world, you'd only ever had one date. She costed you $250, but she was great for the 30 minutes you'd known her.

You grin. "Sure! Well, maybe we could discuss this over dinner later?" you ask hopefully.

She was clearly surprised by your reply. Her eyes widen and her jaw drops slightly. "Anon... Are you asking me on a date...?"

You shrug. "Huh. Am I? I guess. Sure." You snatch up a notebook off the coffee table beside you. "So what time, eight?"

She shook her head rapidly. "Whoa, hold on. This is not what I expected." She starts pacing the room. "But this does open new doors for study. Perhaps I can do this. I'll do it," she says, stopping and giving you this adorable, toothy smile.

"So, eight?" you repeat your question, your pen at the ready.

She rolls her eyes. "I suppose that works. Meet me at the café?" she asks, heading for the door.

You stand up after writing down your date time and place and open the door for her like a gentleman. "That sounds like it's going to be a great evening. See you then!"

Before she could say anything else, you close the door in her face and rest your back against it, breathing a sigh of relief. "Well that was easier than I thought." But it wasn't over. You still had to have the date.

That was going to be a whole different ball game.

Standing in the mirror, you examine yourself, fully clad in a nice grey suit and tie that Rarity, another Element bearer, made custom for you. After all, you had to get human clothes somehow. It was just twenty minutes before the date, and you had gotten fully ready so you could be there early.

Looking stylish and stunning as you'll ever be, you spray on some cologne Spike the dragon gave to you and head out for the date.

The sun had just set, so dusk was still hanging on as the moon started climbing into the darkening sky, the hot daytime temps beginning to fall. Ponies around town were starting to finish up their day, whilst others were heading out for dinner or whatever other plans they had.

The café was not far from where you lived, and you'd been there a few dozen times anyway.

Since you couldn't really have a reservation, you just walk in and find a nice seat by a window.

Despite not really even wanting to even do this date thing, you are mildly nervous. This would be the first attempt at dating in awhile, and your first time taking your date out to eat. You'd brought a decent amount of bits to pay for the meals, and if she wanted, you'd get her a drink as well.

Just before eight, bookhorse came into the café wearing a nice gown, but nothing too fancy. You start sweating.

She notices you within seconds and trots over, taking the seat across from you. "Hey!" she exclaims, a beaming at you brightly.

It was quite infectious, as you couldn't resist but return the attitude and smiles. "Well, you look nice."

She blushes lightly. "Thanks. I don't date, so I've just kind of picked anything," she admits.

"Well, you look stunning. Don't worry," you reassure her, not even sure yourself why you were complimenting her so much. It wasn't a bad thing necessarily, but you kept needing to remind yourself why you were even doing this.

A waitress comes over and brings you both a menu, offering to get drinks.

"I suppose I'll have a tea, sweetened," you tell her, and she jots it down on a little notebook.

"I'll have water," Twilight says, scanning her menu thoroughly. Her eyes were squinty and her tongue hangs out to the side, which makes her appear even more adorable. Looks like you don't need the tea to induce diabetes.

After the waitress walks off, you go through your own menu. Most of the stuff in it was suitable for ponies, but not yourself. And there wasn't a big, juicy steak for you to get, either, so you had no choice but to get a simple vegetable stew with garlic bread.

Twilight, on the other hand, gets a massive burger and plate of fries, digging in like it was her first meal in days.

Lifting a spoonful of the surprisingly tasty soup to your mouth and slurping it up, you attempt to start the conversation with an ice-breaker.

"Pick-axe," you blurt, unsure of why. Some literal ice-breaking wasn't going to help you here.

She stops chewing and stares at you, swallowing. "Excuse me?"

"I have no idea, hehehe," you reply, laughing nervously. You take another spoonful of your meal as an excuse to go silent, hoping she'd have something to say.

Thankfully, she did. "So, Anon, the test results from that spell for being able to fly look pretty good. It seems that your body can take just about any spell I can cast on ponykind. Isn't that just wonderful?" She stuffs a few fries down her gullet.

"It sure is..." You guzzle down half your tea, feeling thirsty suddenly. What was happening to you?

After she finishes chewing, she gives you a look of concern. "Are you okay? You look a bit troubled."

You pretend to be just fine. "Oh, yeah. I'm great. How could I not be? Hehehe." You stuff you face with more stew.

"Hmm," she hums, sounding unsure. "Well, this is going pretty well I'd say. I forgot to bring my notepad so I could take notes, but I can do that when we head over to my place afterward."

Unfortunately, she says this during your gulping down more of your tea, triggering a perfect spit-take. "W-what?" you ask, feeling a bit more nervous now.

"I figured you'd want to see the notes I took on you while I was testing you last time. Why, is there something wrong?"

You shake your head. "No, no. Sorry. I'd love to." You use your napkin to clean up the tea you spit across the table.

She rubs her fore hooves together happily. "Excellent! Well, I'm about done here, if you are."

You've only had three spoonful's and she's done eating. "Uh, yeah, sure." You place the bits you owe with a tip beside your plate and stand up.

As you leave with your "date", she tries to take your hand with her hoof.

Gritting your teeth, you allow it, soon finding out that pony hooves are softer than you thought. It made you wonder how much softer the pony it belonged to was...

With not much to say along the way to the library, you ask about the weather, which she knows nothing about. She tells you to ask Rainbow for answers on that subject.

Once you get to the darkened Golden Oak library, she tugs you in, getting some candles lit. "Well, I'll grab those notes real quick," she says, letting go of your hand and trotting off to her desk nearby, shuffling through some papers.

"Where's Spike?" you ask, glancing around for the little runt, seeing no sign of him.

She comes back over with a few papers. "Oh, I asked him not to be here tonight, so we could get some privacy." She holds up the papers with her magic. "Check these out. Exciting, huh?"

"Yeah, yeah. What do you mean, 'privacy'?" you inquire suspiciously, raising an eyebrow.

She sets the papers aside and smiles casually at you. "Well, it's tradition for a male to court the female on the first date."

Now you didn't know what to say. You stagger back and plop into a small recliner, and she proceeds to climb into your lap.

"What are you doing?!" you yell, horrified.

She seems to have an epiphany. "Ooooh, I get it. You prefer it with the lights out. I understand." She gets up and goes around the room, blowing out candles.

This was your opportunity to run, and you seize it, fleeing before she even has time to turn around. Racing down the street, back to your own home, you don't stop until you've made it in and locked the door tight.

Collapsing on the floor in front of the door, you sigh with relief. "That went slightly different than I expected."

Tonight, you avoided a horny Twilight. What would tomorrow bring?

Rarity

The next morning, you get up early to do laundry. And early meaning noon instead of afternoon.

Your wardrobe is limited to begin with, so wearing your last pair of clean clothes meant it was time to use the ol' washer and dryer in your basement.

As you descend into the dark, damp cellar, you miss a step and go tumbling down the stairs, cursing and yelling the whole way down. Unfortunately, this wasn't the first time you fell head-over-heels for your basement. This house was designed for ponies, not bipedal primates. The ceilings frequently grazed your head, as well. It was a good thing you were short by human standards, otherwise this might be far worse for you than it already was.

Groaning and recovering your few pairs of clothes from the dusty floor, you fill up your basket and bring it to the washing machine, loading it all up and turning it on.

"And now it's time to eat," you grumble, trudging back upstairs. On your mind was the strange but successful date last night with Egghead. She came on pretty strong when she brought you to her home, the library, which totally caught you by surprise. You didn't take her as the kind to want it on the first date.

What did she mean by what she said, anyway? you ask yourself as you pour milk into your oatmeal, something you always did in your world. 'It's tradition for a male to court the female on the first date.' What? First time you've ever heard that one. Must be why Equestria is so heavily populated.

Sitting at your small, round, wooden table that Applejack made for you, you devour your breakfast, still deep in thought.

Maybe you had to change up your game a little, switch up your methods. Or, perhaps it was too early. After all, you'd only dated Twilight so far. You still had five more to go.

You shiver violently. How would those go?

Finishing up your meal, you place the bowl in the sink and have a seat in your living room, on the couch and take up a novel you were reading. About 30 minutes later, the washing machine signals that your load is done and ready to be tossed in the dryer, so you jog---carefully---down the stairs and move your clothes to the other machine, returning to your book moments later.

Inferno had to be Dan Browns' best novel ever. It was more captivating to you than Da Vinci Code, another favorite of yours. The guy was a wizard at writing these thrillers. Although his vocabulary included dozens of words that prompted a dictionary check every five minutes, the stories he wrote were amazing and intriguing.

You were about to read a third chapter when you smelt smoke.

"Aw, shit."

You toss the book aside and race downstairs to find the dryer billowing smoke.

"How does this even happen?!" you bellow, grabbing a jug of water from your food and water stash nearby and swing the dryer door open, dousing all the contents with the whole jug of water. Unfortunately, the damage was done.

You drag your smoldering clothes from the dryer onto the floor and prod it with your foot, searching for any signs of life, but alas, your clothes had bitten the dust.

Sighing heavily, you plod up the stairs. Time to pay Rarity a visit.

Clear on the other side of town, the Carousel Boutique is quiet when you enter, the bell above the door the only noise you hear. You close the door and look around at all the gowns and crap she was working on. "Hello?" you call out, taking a few steps forward. "Anybody---er---anypony home?" Gotta keep up with the latest spoofs.

A few seconds pass before a white unicorn with a swirling purple mane comes rushing down the stairs, her horn aglow as she uses magic to hold the dress she was adding trim to high above her head. "Yes? Hello? Who's there?" She stops at the bottom of the steps and smiles at you. "Oh, hello Anon. What brings you here?" She sets the dress aside to deal with you.

"My dryer hates my clothes," you tell her the short version of the story.

She seems confused. "Um... What do you mean dear?"

You sigh. "Clothes. Gone. Dead. Need new ones. All I have now is what I'm wearing," you motion to your outfit, which thankfully was your favorite, the one you came to Equestria wearing.

She nods her understanding. "I get that, I suppose. But what happened? Where's the rest of your wardrobe? Did you lose it?"

"My dryer cooked it."

She was visibly appalled. "I always hated that thing. Ever since Twilight helped you make that wretched contraption, I've despised it. And see, my dislike is totally justified." She tsks a few times and makes her way to the supplies layering the nearby workstation. "Well, I can remake your original clothing, but I advise not using that... thing... from now on." She gives you a pouty look over her shoulder. "Do that for me, will you dear?"

It was at this point that you decided on who to date next.

You take a few steps closer to her. "Sure, sure. Whatever you want. Just, uh, one thing. I'll stop using it for something in return."

"Aren't I doing something already by making your wardrobe a second time?"

You wave your hand, as if tossing her words away. "That's expected of you. There's something else I'd like from you." You grin and waggle your eyebrows.

She raises one of hers. "Yes...?"

You take a deep breath. "Go on a date with me. Tonight."

At first, she didn't seem too willing, but then she gave a pearly-white smile. "Why, Anon, that's a perfectly reasonable trade."

Sweet! That was easier than you thought. "That's what I wanted to hear. So, what time should I come by to get you?" you ask, ready to mentally note a time and place, if need be.

She trots past you, the smell of glorious perfumes wafting up into your nose. "Oh, you're not going anywhere. We're going right now!" She turned and went up the stairs, leaving you wondering why you were going on a date with preppy pony at 2 pm.

After a two hour wait, Rarity came down wearing some exquisite gown, looking like she was about to marry. She took you and went to see Twilight, who didn't have much to say to you, but blushed constantly and avoided eye contact. Rarity asked her friend to teleport the two of you to Canterlot, which she did.

Now, you weren't exactly dressed to date this mare, but upon voicing your concerns, she blows them off, saying 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder.' Of course, it'd be the pony that sleeps with makeup on to tell you that.

You've been to the famed Canterlot a few times, and it never ceased to remind you of how badly you wanted to reenact Assassin's Creed. The very medieval-styled town was just begging to have you climb its many stone structures and leap from high walls.

However, you wouldn't be able to do any of that, at least, not right now. You had a Rarity to date.

Roaming up and down the streets, you try to start up a conversation with your "date".

"So," you start, walking beside the second real date you've ever had. "Why'd you pick Canterlot for our date?" Clearly a dumb question, based on the look you receive.

"Canterlot is the premier dating place. It's studded with high-class eateries, eloquent clothing retailers, and magnificent jewelers!" Her voice grew louder as she answered.

You scratch your head. "What did the last two have to do with dating?"

She rolls her eyes, as if it was obvious. "They had everything to do with it. It means dating can be about as glorious as it can get here. One can be dressed stunningly whilst wearing the most beautiful jewelry and eating at the most elegant of restaurants. See? They fit like a puzzle." She returns her attention to the businesses around the two of you, her mane bouncing with each step.

Now, normally the preppy girls were not your type, but Rarity was simply beautiful, without a doubt. This was probably the only time you'd ever want to listen to the way these kinds of girls talk.

Nodding in response to what she just said, you take a look around you, noticing that you were the only one not dressed for a gala. "So, what do you like most about Canterlot? Between those three things you told me?"

"Hmm," she goes into thought, staring straight ahead and frowning. Finally, you ask a good question. "I would have to say... Perhaps it's... Hmm..."

You seemed to have stymied her. This was going to be an interesting night. "Rarity," you interrupt her thoughts, placing a hand on her shoulder and earning a curious gaze. "Maybe you can tell me over some dinner?"

She stops and points at the sun, still far above the horizon. It wouldn't set for couple hours. "It's customary to have the dinner date after the sun sets. I'd rather go sightseeing, instead. Wouldn't you dear?"

You give that some thought. What else was there to do? It's better than walking around aimlessly while listening to her mumble on about fashion and crap you didn't care about. "That sounds good. Lead the way," you reply, flashing a quick smile and winking.

She returns the smile and takes your arm in hers, making you have to lean and wobble as you walk. She tugs you to the next few places to visit.

Long after the trip around town, you sit in a fancy three-hoof restaurant with Rarity sitting across from you at your table for two. She chose this restaurant, saying and promising that the food would "leave me speechless." It was. Thirty bits for a bowl of salad and bread? And that was only her meal.

The dim lighting and quiet, classical music being played live made the atmosphere far more romantic than the date with Twilight. Not only that, but Rarity was visually prettier than bookhorse.

As you chow down on a sandwich whose name you couldn't possibly pronounce, Rarity decides to ask a question.

"What made you ask me on a date, Anon? This has been a question on my mind all evening." She nibbles a piece of seasoned bread and sips from a teacup.

You stop, halfway between chewing and swallowing your bite of food. You decide to swallow it and answer. "Well, it's obvious that you are beautiful and classy, right?"

"Mmhmm, yes, but that doesn't answer my question. Why did you ask me on a date?"

This was not a question you expected to have to answer. For any of the mares you were dating. You sit back in your chair and smile innocently. "Uh, well, maybe I just felt a connection?"

She didn't look too sure. You couldn't keep telling what she expected to hear. She wanted the truth, and she was going to get it, most likely. "Anon, you know better. Please, tell me so my mind can be at ease." She takes another sip of her drink.

A waitress comes by and fills up her cup, so you wait until she leaves to reply. "Okay, so honestly I like you. Normally I don't do preppy girls, but you're different. You're smart, reasonable, beautiful, talented, and friendly. I guess I like those traits."

This time, she doesn't question you, or even appear dissatisfied. She actually gives a little smirk. "Well, well, well, Anon. How long have you been harboring these feelings from me?" She bats her eyes.

Gulp. "Uhhhh a few hours," you say, nabbing your sandwich and taking a big bite, chewing slowly. This was so you had an excuse not to talk, so you could think about your reply when she asked you a question.

She draws back a little. "A few hours? That seems a bit... Off." She pushes her plate forward, obviously done eating. "What brought this on?"

You had to get off this subject! She was picking you apart with this. Sooner or later she'll be digging into your personal life and that was a no-no. There were too many weird things in there, like the crap you used to look at online at school.

You take your time chewing, then swallow, opting for a drink before you answer her. "The fact that you selflessly offer your skills to make me clothing without making me pay is one thing. Another is how well you carry yourself. It's... Attractive," you say mysteriously.

This seems to satisfy her finally. "Oh my, that's quite the compliment. What better way to get to a mare's heart than to compliment her kindness and beauty. Anon, I had no idea you were such a charmer." She rests her elbows on the table and her head on her hooves, staring into your eyes and batting hers.

You begin to sweat. "Heh, yeah, I am a charmer, aren't I?" You look back her and laugh nervously.

She continues to intimidate you with her beauty. "So, is there anything else you'd like to do tonight, my dear? It's getting late. We should head out now, if you don't mind."

You quickly stuff your face with the rest of your burger and place the appropriate amount of bits on the table for the waitress to recover whenever she comes back. You stand up and pull out the chair for your lovely date, and help her out of the chair, taking her hoof.

You know, that's a good question... When the hell did you become so chivelrous and charming? Watching porn certainly didn't teach you.

She is flattered by your moves and allows you to lead her away, back to the streets. The moon is now full and halfway into the sky.

On the clearing streets, you walk with the famous Rarity and you were actually pretty happy. This was not part of the plan. You weren't supposed to enjoy these dates. They were just for company!

Instead, you're walking down a cobblestone road in Canterlot with Rarity, and you're happy. Happy!

You must've been possessed for this. This wasn't you. But you didn't want it to stop. This was fun!

Rarity must've noticed your internal conflict, as she tugs on your arm and stares up at you, concerned. "Is there something bothering you dear?"

You rub your head. "Oh, no. Sorry. I was just thinking about some stuff. Let's get you home." You lead her back to where Twilight dropped the two of you off. This was where you had to be for when she came back to pick you up.

Rarity went quiet, but you knew she wasn't satisfied with your answer.

Twilight came a few minutes later and brought you both back to Ponyville, where you again led your date to her home and business, without much words in exchange. At least, not until you got to her place.

Standing with her at her door, you both are pretty awkward. You decide to speak up, breaking the silence. "So, uh, that was fun. Did you enjoy it?"

She places a hoof on your hand and smiles lightly up at you. "Very much. Perhaps we can do it again very soon?" It was more a hopeful question than anything else. Honestly, you wondered the same thing. Unfortunately, you had to date the other four mares before you made a final decision.

"Maybe. But the night doesn't have to end now..." You let that hang.

She raises and eyebrow and frowns. "What do you mean?"

You shove your hands in your pockets. "You know... Love, of the physical kind." Boy, this was harder to ask than to reply to. Twilight's a boss.

Rarity is not amused. "Anon, that is much too quick. We hardly have feelings for each other. Why would we do such a thing on the first date? Why, you'd be lucky to glimpse my hindquarters on the tenth date."

Now you're confused. "I thought it was tradition to engage in... That... On the first date?"

Rarity shakes her head adamantly. "Oh no. Whoever told you that? Proposterous. Anon, I'll see you tomorrow. I'll finish making you your clothes and bring them over. It's been a great night." She leans over and kisses your cheek, smiles, then retreats into her house, leaving you standing alone, out in the dark street.

"Alrighty then."

Pinkie Pie

A few days later, you were wallowing in self pity whilst mourning for your lost human life in your world when a knock on your front door interrupts, sending you sprawling onto the floor from your couch.

"This had better be good," you grumble, heading over towards the door. You stop when you notice a small letter has been slipped under the door. You stoop and pick it up, flipping it over and reading the bubbly message on the other side.

Dear Anon,

Join my party tonight! It's to celebrate your being here for us as a good friend and your belated birthday! Don't miss out on all the goodies I've prepared for you. See you later, alligator!

XOXOXOXOXO, Pinkie Pie

Oh wonderful. Another reason to leave your house without being in a body bag.

You search the page for a time, but see nothing. How could she tell you it's tonight and not tell you a time? Probably a way to get you to come early. Sneaky as hell.

You sigh and toss the letter in the trash. You have to go to this party soon. It's already after four. Chances are, the party would be starting around sunset, in just a few hours. Better go finish what you were doing before you have to get ready.

Tonight would likely be interesting.

Half-past seven that evening, you head over to Sugarcube Corner. This was the premier place for goodies and such whenever anyone needed them. At least, for those here in Ponyville. And it served its purpose well.

Many times you've been here to pick yourself up some sugary cakes and cookies. If you felt like getting fat, you knew where to go. It's not like there was anything else to do, anyway.

The warm, summer air felt pretty good on your skin as you passed an open field, allowing a breeze to hit you full on. Still better than your hometown, which was cold and boring and crowded.

You approach Sugarcube Corner with confidence. It'd been pretty quiet lately. You needed a little bit of crazy to stay sane. And Pinkie knew just how to help with that.

You walk briskly up to the open doorway and slip inside, greeted immediately by the tantalizing aroma of some pastries baking. You stop in the middle of the room, seeing no one. "Mmmmm... Something smells great. Wonder what it is...?" you say aloud.

You hear Pinkie call out from the kitchen and come rushing into the room with you. "Anon! You made it! And you're early this time. Sweet!" She rushes up and hugs you.

You squirm uncomfortably. "Yeah..." Pinkie was a bit touchy. Not that you didn't mind. But you did.

She peels herself off you and smiles gleefully, unblinking. Scary.

"Watcha cookin', good lookin'?" You hope that compliment settles well.

It does.

She snickers. "Ooh, come see! It's only the best pastry in all of pastries!" She bolts off into the kitchen, and you trail far behind, following her towards the smell.

As she pulls out a pan from the oven, you discover that it's one of your favorites. "Hey, I love danishes. Looks and smells delicious, Pinkie. Well done."

She sets the pan on the counter and shuts the oven. "I knew that, silly! That's why I made it!"

Wait, what? "How'd you know that was my favorite? I never told you that," you ask warily. Pinkie had a habit of knowing things you never told her, or anyone, for that matter.

She gives a little laugh. "Oh, Anon. So silly. I always ask you stuff when you've had a bit too much to drink."

Damn you, pink menace. "Great. Now tell me--where's everyone else?" You walk back to the living room, with pink pone on your tail. "Shouldn't they be here by now, if I'm 'early'?"

Again, Pinkie gives a disturbing giggle. "Nope. I invited you only." She hops back into the kitchen. "Danish?"

Starting to get frustrated, you follow her, and yes, take some danish. Only a fool would pass up a danish. "Uh, you wanna tell me why?"

"Are you sure you wanna know?" She annihilates a small portion of the danish as you nibble chunks of a piece she cut for you.

"Yes. I'm certain. You never invite just me."

She places her plate in the sink, rinsing it before turning back to you. "Isn't the danish just amazing?"

You nod and finish your last bite, and she retrieves the plate from you. "You're deviating from the question, Pinkie. Why did you invite only me?" You take a step closer to her, trying to appear as serious as possible. It was literally the only way to get her to be the same.

She cleans your plate and sighs. "Okay, I'll tell you..." she says resignedly. "But only if you don't hate me and think I'm creepy afterwards, okay? You have to Pinkie Promise." She pouts at you.

Gummy falls down from the ceiling onto your head, which inspires you to do the Michael Jackson around the room until he hops off onto Pinkie. Regaining your composure, you finally reply. "Uh, I find you a bit creepy already, but in a good way. I think. But sure, cross my heart hope to eye, stick a cupcake in my die. Yada, yada. Tell me please."

She takes your hand, much to your surprise, and leads you into the front room, where she sits you down at the table and then sits across from you. She looks serious now. "Anon, I think you should know... That I think you're an amazing, fleshy, bipedal funny guy. I'm not sure how to say this but..."

You see where this is going, and, remembering your plans, you decide to interrupt her. "Pinkie... I know what you mean." You place your hand on the back of her hoof, and she stares up at you, looking pretty astonished. "So, if you'd like to make this a date, then it's a date."

She seems a bit sad still. You find out why with the next thing she says. "Thank you, Anon. That means a lot to me. I've been feeling a bit lonely lately... And I saw you with Twilight last week, and I felt a little jealous..." She looks away, embarrassed.

Wow. This was definitely not how you expected this party to turn out. A trip down Feels Lane. "Pinkie... I'm not saying Twilight. I mean, I did, but we're not a couple. I'm free. So, if you're feeling lonely, I can probably agree with that. I'm pretty lonely as well. So, once again, how about we make tonight date night?"

Slowly but surely, you see the corners of her lips turn up in a smile. "Really? You'd do that for me...?"

You now realize just how good it felt to be nice to these ponies. It was much more filling than leaving a flaming bag of their own crap on their front porch. "Yeah, I'm okay with it." You smile and wink.

She now seems to be her normal, perky, silly self. She leaps back into the kitchen and comes back with punch and cupcakes. "Want some?"

You give in, nodding and smiling. "Yeah, hit me up." You grab a nearby cup and tap it on the table. She fills it up for you and hands you a cupcake that, upon entering your mouth, literally melts into sugar. Around Pinkie, don't expect to keep your teeth. Though those were one of the things you liked about yourself... You had some pearly whites.

She sits across from you again, tearing apart a few cupcakes herself.

You sip your punch and set the cup on the table, folding your hands. "So, Pinkie... What's the plan for tonight, now that we're 'dating'?"

She shrugs, in the middle of chewing. After she swallows, she say, "I dunno. Like card games?"

As a matter of fact, you don't. "Yeah," you reply, lying out the ass.

"Sweet! Let's do some stuff!" She demolishes a final cupcake, guzzles a cup full of punch, and takes your hand, dragging you upstairs to her room.

"Uno!" Pinkie cries out excitedly after she tosses a card down on the pile.

You scratch your head. "How? It's only been three turns since you dealt."

"I'm just that good." She giggles and waits for you to go. However, you had every reason to just quit. But you still go.

Laying down a yellow five, you eye her suspiciously. "Hmm. What's you last card, Pinkie?"

She places a wild card on top of your last play and smirks.

"Of course." You throw your cards in the air and stand up from the floor. "Well, it's after midnight. I've had a lot of fun, but it's time for me to run along." You and her had already played Rummy, Go fish, 21, and finally Uno. You hadn't won a thing.

She hops up and stretches. "Awww. Really? Darn. I guess it's bed time." She follows you down the stairs.

Down at the bottom, you stop and face her. She looks pretty bummed out that you're leaving. "Pinkie--it really has been a great night. Seriously. I had a better time with you tonight than Rarity or Twilight."

She cocks her head to the side and knits her eyebrows. "Rarity? You dated Rarity too?"

"Don't have time to explain. Anyways, see you around pink stuff." You walk to the door and open it, preparing to slip out into the night.

But Pinkie isn't finished with you, apparently. She grabs your hand and yanks you back in, planting a fat, wet kiss on your lips.

At first, you shove her away, disgusted. But then you realize... She tastes like cotton candy. "Huh." You lick your lips. "That's odd." You decide to make out with her for a few minutes before you leave. It'd probably help her sleep better tonight. Didn't hurt you to do it, either.

You bid her a farewell moments later, and head back to your house. About halfway there, you're ambushed by Twilight.

The purple mare stands before you, looking very suspicious. "What were you doing at Pinkie's this late at night?"

Jealousy, you guess. "Probably not what you think. We played cards and ate until we developed diabetes," you reply casually, inching away from her.

She doesn't seem too convinced, but nods in approval. "Alright. Carry on then." She turns and flies off, presumably to her house.

What the hell was that? Hopefully she hasn't caught on to your plan. Not that it would matter. You weren't doing anything wrong.

You shrug and jog back to your place, hitting the shower and finally the hay. All in all, tonight was a great night for you. And you still had three mares to go.

Applejack

Just a few days later, you're sitting at your table reading the local newspaper. It's morning, and surprisingly you're actually up before noon.

You sip your fresh cup of coffee and skim through the articles, looking for anything interesting: "Peasant Wins Equestria Lottery", "Tidal Wave Crashes Against Shores of Manehattan", "Mutilated Body Found Outside Anons' Home", "Princess Celestia Deems 'Our Town' Unsafe Due to High Concentrations of Stupid"... Yadda yadda yadda. Nothing ever good in the paper.

Tossing the paper on the table, you head into the kitchen with your coffee, searching for your granola bars. These consisted of most of your breakfasts. Sad.

You grab the coffee pot off the stove and fill up your cup a bit more, finishing off what was left. No need for sugar or creamer. You liked your coffee black. You set the pot in the sink and fill it with water, then place the coffee maker back on top of the fridge.

Some dust comes sifting down, inciting you to sneeze a dozen times. Damn allergies. You need to clean your kitchen. It's been awhile, anyway.

So you proceed to empty the cabinets and clear off counters, setting everything on the table. You'd clean that last.

As you wipe inside the cabinets and swipe up piles of dust and debris, you hear a crash from behind you and spin around, your hands as stiff and flat as a board, as if you knew how to karate chop someone. You didn't.

The source of the noise was immediately evident: goodbye, sweet table. You'd overloaded it with crap and it snapped in two.

"Ooooof course," you mumble, rolling your eyes. Did you forget that is was a table designed by a pony, for ponies? Its weight limit was far less than a human-made table.

You clean up the mess, which included a few broken plates and mugs as well. The table was dead. You'd have to get a new one. But you knew Applejack, the one who'd made the table in the first place, would have no trouble whipping you up a new one. At least, you hoped.

After you restore the kitchen to its original state, more or less, you figure you'd go get a new table now instead of putting it off like everything else. Procrastination was your enemy in this world.

You throw your shoes on and slip outside, making your way over to country ponys' place.

"I still jus' don't see how ya managed to break that table," apple pone said for the umpteenth time. You'd run over to Sweet Apple Acres and caught her working, telling her your story and listening to her logic. Did she think tables were invincible?

You purse your lips. "Yeah, AJ, it broke. Period. I'm sorry. It's not like I intended to break it. That was a nice table."

"Not to mention a gift from a friend," she adds, giving you a pouty look. She hops up into the back of a small trailer she uses to load up apples on and wipes her brow. "Ya caught me at a bad time, Anon. Sorry, but I can't make it for ya today. It just won't happen."

You look around you, seeing most of the trees empty. "But you look done here. I see no apples."

"This is only a quarter of the crops, Anon."

Damn. "Heh. Well, seriously though--do you really have to do this whole plantation today? I'm sure there's other things you can do. Like take a break for once," you go on, planting your hands on your hips.

She sighs. "Of course there's other stuff ta do. There's always something ta do 'round here. So no, I never get a break. Sompony's got ta do this stuff."

"What about your brother? And your little sister? Are they immune to work, or...?" Pretty rude of you, but true nonetheless.

"They work a lot too. Don't worry 'bout them."

"You need a break," you say quietly, not wanting to lose her. "You really need to take a break from this and do something different."

She cocks an eyebrow. "Like build ya yer table?"

You decide not to reply.

"That's what I thought," she says, hopping back off the trailer. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I got work to do."

"Wait," you step in front of her, cutting her off. She stares up at you, unamused. Think of something fast, or you just might get bucked up. "I uh, have an offer."

She thinks for a moment and plops her butt down. "I'm listenin'."

You clear your throat loudly. "Let's trade. You build the table tonight, if I take you... On... A date..."

She still doesn't appear too interested. "Anon, what kinda deal is this?"

You give her the biggest, friendliest grin you can muster. "It's me rewarding you for your kindness, generosity, and unwavering friendship," you say soothingly, trying a little too hard. It's coming off as creepy, actually.

She scratches her chin thoughtfully. "You want ta offer me a date in return fer me buildin' ya a table?"

You nod briskly. Was it working?

"Hmm... Nah." She turns back to the trailer and grabs a bucket.

Damnit. "Wait wait wait... You're saying no? That's kind of mean," you now try to guilt trip her. She's clearly playing hard to get.

She turns and faces you. "Maybe I don't like ya like that, hmm?"

Wow. What a wake up call. "Really? You don't like me like that?" Your voice cracks a little.

She shakes her head. "Nope." She goes back to bucking apples, just about ignoring you.

Damn. This hurts. You've been getting yesses this whole time, and suddenly a no. It felt like a low blow, a punch in the gut. "Well," you say dejectedly, "I suppose I'll just go then. Don't worry about the table. See you later, Applejack." You turn and plod away, feeling pretty crappy. Getting rejected hurt more than you thought.

"Wait," she calls out, causing you to stop dead in your tracks and turn back to her. She looks a little upset. She comes up to you and takes off her hat, holding it to her chest. "I'm not gonna let ya jus' run off all sad and stuff. I was testin' ya to see if ya actually liked me or ya jus' wanted a free table. Based on yer reaction, I'd say yer feelin's are sincere. So if ya still want ta, we can go on that date."

Again, totally unexpected. Gotta give her credit, though. That was ingenious. "If you really want to, yeah, I'd love to." You give a barely perceptible smile.

She grins back, trying to cheer you up. "Yeah. Let's do that. I can stop fer today, I suppose. Ya ready?"

"Oh, we're going right now?" you ask, surprised. Moving right along, eh?

She takes off towards the farm, inciting you to run after. "Yep! Follow me!"

Where was this going?

Out in the barn, orange pony had set things up for a nice dinner. Bales of hay were used as seats and the table, she lit up a lantern and set it in the center of the "table", and prepared a meal that you hadn't even expected from her. It involved apples, and was out of this world.

You sit across fto her, chowing down on your food. "This... This is good," you compliment her again, barely chewing your food before swallowing. It was damn good.

She chuckles a bit. "Hehehehe. Yeah, Granny Smith taught me that recipe. Among many others. Glad ya like it."

"I more than like it. I adore it." You lick your plate clean and get yourself another plate full of the food from the middle of the bale. "I think I might eat until I throw up."

She laughs. "Well, shucks." She has barely touched her food, you notice.

"Hey, you alright? You haven't eaten much." You point at her plate.

She nods once. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just a bit nervous."

You push the lantern over a bit so you can see her face a bit better. It was true, what they say about muted light--it does make one appear more attractive. "AJ, I know what you mean. I am too, a little. Is this your first date? Or have you had one before?" You push your plate aside, done for now.

"Yeah, once. Didn't go so swell, I'll tell ya."

This time, you nod, in understanding. "Okay. I won't ask. What matters is this date, right now. Which, I should ask, are you enjoying it?"

She smiles and looks at you. "I am, actually. I just wish I could get away from work long enough ta do this more often..." Her voice trails off.

"I get it. You can though. You prioritize the farm when you need to prioritize yourself sometimes. Run yourself ragged and you'll never enjoy life. You have to take a little time to do things you want to do, not things you have to." That was some powerful insight. Where the hell did it come from?

She seems to perk up a little more. "You're right. But how can I put off the farm? It always needs work done. I can't get away long enough."

"Wrong. You're doing it right now, aren't you?"

That caught her off guard. "Huh. I guess yer right. I didn't think of it that way."

Job well done. You made apple pone feel better. Now could you keep it up? "So..." And now you have no idea what to say. Good. Social awkwardness.

"Well, I've had enough of this for now," she says, taking the plates and setting them aside. "Done with yers?"

You hand it to her. "Yes, actually. Thank you."

She takes it and places it with the other plates. "Cool."

You decide to try and start another conversation. "So, what's next?"

She sits back in her spot, directly across from you. "I dunno. Never been on a real date. Jus' dated somepony fer a few days. Do you know what we can do? Er, what we should do?"

"Whatever you want," you say, smiling kindly. As hard as she acted, you could tell she was a big softy.

"Are ya sure ya want me ta pick what we do? I'm okay with whatever ya want, Sugarcube," she says, despite not sounding very sure at all.

Even after having second thoughts, you still allow her to pick. "Yeah. Go ahead. We can do anything you want." Except sex.

"Hmm..." She thinks deeply. "I got it!"

"Yes?" you ask, intrigued by her enthusiasm.

"One more bushel left, Anon. And we'll be golden," your date tells you as she kicks another bucket full of apples.

You pull the cart closer so she can put the bucket up on it. "Yay," you shout half-heartedly. You should have known. Next time, you'll be picking the date activities.

Fluttershy

The next afternoon, you're out shopping for your usual junk foods and healthy bullshit you're forced to eat, when you come across Twilight, bringing her owl somewhere on her shoulder.

You stop her as you leave the carrot stand. "Twilight! Good to see you, despite the uh, strange appearance you made the other night."

She trots up to you and smiles brightly. "Oh, yeah. That's just me being a good friend. Anyways, who are you? Out shopping, I see," she points a hoof at your backpack tossed over one shoulder.

You pat it. "Yep. Gotta eat, you know." You motion at the owl. "What are you doing with him? Aren't owls nocturnal?" You paid enough attention in science to at least know that.

"Oh, I'm taking Owlicious to the park for a playdate. Me and the girls bring our pets out to play with each other. We usually chat, but sometimes we join them," she replies happily. "Say, would you like to join us?"

You would, except, you don't have a pet. "Yeah, uh, thanks, but I don't have a pet to join in. Sorry."

She waves her hoof dismissively. "Oh, pfft. Fluttershy can hook you up. She's got every animal you can think of."

"Well, I knew she was good with animals, but she has how many pets?"

"Not that many. In fact, I'd say she really only has one. That would be Angel," she says, deep in thought.

"Uh huh. Well, I guess you can tell Fluttershy that later I'd like to see her. She can help me pick out a pet." You stretch and prepare to head off and finish your grocery shopping.

Twilight nods. "Sure, I'll let her know. Have a great day sexy!--I mean, Anon!" She chuckles and trots merrily away down the dirt path and away from you.

You breathe a sigh of relief. "Thank Celestia... Wait. I don't believe in Celestia. Thank Bill Gates..." You wipe your brow and go off on your way.

That evening, early, but evening, you run off to shy pones' cottage, situated near the dreaded Everfree Forest on the outside edge of town. You've never actually been here, but you knew where she lived from what her friends all say.

The late-day sun glares in your eyes, nearly blinding you, so you have to use your hand to shield your eyes. It'd be better to simply put on your sunglasses, but of course, you don't have them right now.

You cross over the final small bridge to the front of the tree-shaped cottage and walk up to the door, knocking heavily. She better be here and not off frolicking with the bears.

It takes a few seconds for the mare to shout out a "Oh, um, give me a moment!" and a few minutes of waiting before she actually comes to the door and opens it. She seems pretty surprised to see you. "Oh, hello Anon. What brings you here?"

You put on the least creepy, yet friendly smile you can. "I'm guessing Twilight didn't tell you?"

She glances past you, behind herself, looks confused, then replies, "Um, Twilight was supposed to tell me something?" She opens the door a bit more, allowing you to see the large group of small woodland critters feasting on a pile of what you assume is food.

You shift your weight to one leg. "Well, it seems I have to explain this to you now," you say and shake your head in disappointment. "Due to my inability to join you all on your pet playdates, I'd like a pet."

You seem to have spoken the magic words, as she perks up suddenly and swings the door open wide, a huge grin on her face. "Ooh, that's great Anon! Oh, come in, come in!" She turns and skips into the house, leaving the door open for you. You go inside and shut the door behind you.

The animals all look up at you, stop chewing, then go back to eating. Kind of weird.

Fluttershy comes back up to you with a cup of tea, offering it to you. "Have a seat?" She motions for the couch. "We should discuss what animals you're interested in."

You move over to the green sofa plop your bottom on it. You're a bit big, but you fit. Fluttershy wanders nearby, but doesn't sit with you. "So, what kind of animals do you have?" you ask, sipping the fresh, hot tea. It was pretty good. Tastes like chamomile tea.

She rubs her forehooves together. "Oh, well, um, whatever you want, really. There's so much to choose from. What are you looking for? Cats? Birds? Fish? Insects? Odd-toed ungulates? Marsupials?"

You ponder this for a moment. "Well, I'm thinking big. Elephant, blue whale, giraffe, tiger, you get it."

She just stares at you, her eyebrows knitted.

"What?" you protest, cracking a smile. "You asked. I answered honestly."

"Okay... Um, are you interested in an animal that's a little more... Um... Realistic?" she asks, briefly watching the animals in the room finish up their food and scurry off to do whatever.

That's a good question, considering you never really thought of what animal you wanted. Ever. "I suppose I'd be willing to settle for something... Larger than the average pet. So, essentially, I'd like a big cat or a wolf or something like that."

She relaxes a little. You can see it in her posture. "A wolf wouldn't be too hard. Um, a big cat, though, that's a bit more of a challenge..." She gets out a broom and cleans up the little mess left from the critters.

"Alright. I'll settle for medium cats," you give in. You stand up and stretch. "So, it's settled. Medium cat or a wolf. Is it possible I can get a timber wolf?"

She stiffens, eyes wide. "No!" she wails, her voice wavering with fear. "Oh, I mean... Um, no, it wouldn't be such a good idea. Sorry..."

Well then. "Fine. Just a regular wolf will work," you say with a sigh. "It'd better be cool, though. No lame wolves."

"No... Lame wolves. Got it," she repeats in a mumble. "Okay, do you want one now?" She stands before you, looking hopeful.

You almost forgot to employ your plan. "Oh, before I forget to ask, Fluttershy, you wouldn't mind discussing my final decision over dinner would you?" You wink at her.

She looks utterly astonished, drawing back. "Wha--are you... Asking me on a date?"

Now you worry she won't say yes. Applejack was kidding when she said no. Fluttershy might say no and mean it. "Yyyyyeah. I am. Whaddya say?" You're actually kind of nervous. Fluttershy was pretty, even by your standards. And those were some decently high standards.

She blushes lightly and hides behind her mane, shrinking to the floor. "I, uh, I don't know... I've never been asked out..." Her voice seems to shrink too.

This was another thing that made Fluttershy all around appealing: her femininity. Shy, fragile, graceful, soft-spoken, gentle--all words that can be used to accurately describe her. Now you knew why she was chosen as a model at one point.

You can't help but smirk, folding your arms. "I can see that. But still, you haven't answered me. Will you talk this pet thing over some dinner?"

She is silent for a what seemed an eternity, but then peeks up at you, acting as timid as you've ever seen her. "Perhaps... Maybe we could just... Go on a picnic...? Um, if you don't mind, that is... Whatever you want is fine... You asked me first..." she says, completely submissive.

You have no choice but to agree with the picnic idea. It's a great day outside, and you've never really spent some quality time out in nature since you've been here. On a date, it'd combine to be absolutely amazing. "Sure, Shy. Let's go on a picnic. Food? Drinks? Snacks? Blanket?" You look around, searching for those items you just listed. You notice instead that a small white bunny is watching you intently. He seems to be deep in thought. "Hmm..."

Fluttershy leaves the room for a few minutes and returns with all the things you'd need for a picnic. "Um, I was already prepared for a picnic with Angel, but I guess we can go instead..." she murmurs, setting the basket before you and putting on her saddlebags, which were clearly loaded. "Whenever you're ready..."

You take up the basket, giving her yet another friendly little smile. "Lead the way. You pick a spot." You move over to the door and open it for her.

"Oh, my..." she half whispers, bowing her head and daintily trotting out. "Such chivalry..."

Before you close the door, you notice the bunny, which, upon remembering what Fluttershy said earlier, you realize it must be Angel. He's giving you this evil grin, rubbing his paws together.

You flip him off and shut the door.

The warm, late day sun shone down on you and yellow pony as you finish setting up the picnic and get started. She sits on the checkered red and white blanket, a full five feet way, almost off onto the grass. It was clear she was nervous.

To be honest, you were in the same boat. You were pretty much alone in a park with the most attractive mare in Ponyville, quite possibly Equestria, and she'd agreed to go on a picnic date with you. What's not to be nervous over? You weren't the kind to be so highly strung, but lately while dating these mares, you've been ready to piss your pants.

Fluttershy starts by grabbing herself what she called "cucumber sandwiches" she and Discord, a rather annoying draconequus you've come to know, especially lately, have often. And after you get yourself one, you have to say, they were pretty good. Ponies sure have some clever ways of getting around not eating meat.

"These are delightful Fluttershy. Did you make them?" you ask politely, taking another sandwich out of the basket and grabbing some tea.

She nods slowly. "Um, yes... I'm glad you're enjoying them." She scoots a little further away, now halfway onto the grass.

This wouldn't end well unless you made her less uncomfortable. "Hey, um, what makes you so good with animals? And, why do you love them so much?" Mother always told you: best way to a girl's heart is to talk about what she likes the most. Or, talk about her in general.

Let's see if she's right.

The shiest pony in town finishes her first sandwich and sips her tea before replying. "Well, I kind of discovered my ability with animals on accident. Ever since that incident, my life has revolved around helping the poor, defenseless creatures of the forest." You immediately notice her being less tense. Ho, shit. Mom was right.

You set you sandwich down and wipe your mouth with one of the pink checkered napkins she'd brought along. "Tell me about that incident. Was it good or bad?"

She shifts, lying on her side like a dog on the blanket amdlooking off into the sky. "Well, it all started with Flight Camp..."

You listen, intrigued by her story of being bullied and knocked out of the sky to the earth, only to be saved by a swarm of butterflies. You are legitimately surprised that this is how she discovered her talent with animals. She describes how Rainbow Dash's sonic rainboom sent the animals sprawling, and how Fluttershy coaxed them out and comforted them. Damn, she was stunning.

What.

Look at yourself! You started this charade only to have some company, and now you're actually falling in love with these mares simply by dating them once. And what's worse, you don't hate ponies anymore. How could you? They're adorable!

Shit. Shit shit shit. You like ponies! This was an unprecedented turn of events. Not at all what you expected. Never foresaw this in your wildest dreams--

"Anon?" Fluttershys' soft, delicate voice interrupts your thoughts. You look over at the concerned mare.

"I'm sorry. I was listening. I'm glad you found your talent with animals. You're really good at it. I love animals myself, so it's great you devote some of your time to helping them. Quite admirable." You flash a smile. Good save. Years of practice in CoD helped you here. You know how to save yourself.

She blushes like a ripe tomato, pawing at the ground and twirling the tip of her mane around a hoof. "Y-you think so?"

"I couldn't lie to you. You're too adorable."

Her blush doesn't fade. It's probably here to stay now. "Oh... Oh my... You're quite the flatterer Anon..."

You push your food and drink aside, done for now. "But seriously, I have to ask myself why you haven't been asked on a date. Why? You're perfect in every way. What's not to like about you?" What on earth are you doing? Trying to skip first and second base?

She looks around, her cheeks still rosey. "Thanks... But I don't think I'm perfect... I think that's why I've never had anypony ask... Also, I've never really shown any interest in romance. I've never experienced it, and I don't know if I have the guts to try..."

"You accepted my offer, and dates are supposed to be romantic. And besides the excessive prudence and shyness, you're doing just fine." You scoot a little closer to her, trying on a smile. She doesn't move away, much to your surprise. She instead makes direct eye contact with you. Good lord her eyes were astounding.

"Thanks Anon... But I accepted your offer so as to not hurt your feelings..." She flips the lid for the basket up and down and looks away again.

You move closer, now within arm's length to her. "Yeah, but now that you're here, are you feeling anything else? Maybe... Feelings..."

Her slightly faded blush returns at full force. "Um... Maybe... I can't tell you..."

Off to your right, you catch a glimpse of something white against the green, lush background of trees, bushes, and grass. You look over in curiosity and see that damn bunny again. He's watching. Moving closer. Pretending to be looking at the grass and nibbling dandelions, but you know he's watching. What was he up to...?

Returning your attention back to Shy, you attempt to delve into those supposed "feelings" she might have. "Aww, come on... Don't deny what you feel. That never does anyone... Anypony any good. Embrace your feelings."

She glances up at you for a split second, looks really uncomfortable, then turns away. "I shouldn't... No... My feelings are weird..."

That's what you thought too! Hey, you and her have more in common than you thought. "Hey, I thought the same. Being attracted to somepony isn't weird, it's normal. So if you feel anything at all, don't be afraid to tell me. Have you never thought a stallion was cute or anything?"

The creepy bunny Angel ventures ever closer, still pretending to be busy doing normal animal stuff. You wonder what his game is. Whatever. He's just a bunny. What could he do?

Flutters takes a deep breath and lets it out. "Y-yes... But I'm not telling you who..."

You scoot closer again. You can wrap your arm around her shoulders now, if she wouldn't die of anxiety in the process. Despite you being nervous as well, yours wasn't increasing as you got further into this; It actually was dwindling. Weird.

You clear your throat gently and lean in, your face inches from hers. "Hey... I won't tell anypony about us or any feelings you might have for me. I know you have to have some. Your body betrays you every time I ask. Please, you sweet, diabetes-inducing mare--tell me. Do you like me, or no?"

She turns and faces you, her muzzle close to your mouth. You can feel her slow, steady hot breaths. "I... Anon... I..."

It was at this point that Angel decides to hop up between you two and force your lips together, making you kiss.

In momentary shock, neither of you move. You just sit there with your lips locked, eyes wide, staring into each other's. Then Fluttershy breaks off, holding her hoof to her mouth.

You sit there and feel a billion things. You just kissed a pony. And you liked it.

Fluttershy stands up suddenly. "Um... Anon, I have to go... See you around..." She trots off quickly, leaving everything there, including you and Angel.

"Shit." You rub your temples and glance over at the white devil that may have just pushed things too far. "You know--I've been here so long, I've missed the taste of meat. I'm feeling like some fresh rabbit stew. What do you think?"

The little bunny gasps in horror and hops away as fast as his legs will take him.

"That's what I thought you little twit."

Rainbow Dash

Your date with Fluttershy hadn't gone at all as you expected. Thanks to that fiendish white demon, it may have been a complete failure. You really liked Fluttershy, to make it all worse.

This had been on your mind the whole night into the next morning, where you sit in your recliner in your living room. All morning you've remained here. You were a bit shaken by last night. The seven cups of coffee this morning hadn't helped, either. But another thing was on your mind.

For the first time, you kissed a pony. And it happened to be the prettiest pony of all: Fluttershy. Albeit, she probably didn't like it as much as you did.

Wait, what?

It was true. You liked it. It beat sitting in your bed flipping through porn mags, which, also contained only ponies. It's not like there were Playboys mags for sale in Equestria.

Even with your date last night failing, you still had one last mare left to date. And she was the rowdiest of them all. Not that you minded. That was a little more like you, anyways. The most playful girls were sometimes the best.

Tonight would be your last date before you have to decide which one you were sticking with, although, one of those mares might not be an option anymore. You weren't sure about Fluttershy, if she ever wanted to talk to you again, much less date you. Then again, she didn't exactly express her distaste in the kiss; she merely ran off, telling you she'd see you later. There may still be hope yet!

The last pony on your "list" was Rainbow Dash. Surely a date with her would be interesting, to say the least. You had high hopes that she'd agree to a date with you. But what would she want for the date?

You stand up and stretch. Knowing her, it'd be far from a fancy restaurant. First you had to find her, though. And since you couldn't fly, if she wasn't on the ground, it would be a journey of its own finding her.

You scramble to your room and jump in to some comfortable outdoors clothes and leave to look for your final date.

Another dry, warm, sunny day in Ponyville. Today was a better day than ever to do something outdoorsy with rainbow pone. At this point, you'd enjoy a nice day out on the town. It was still early enough to do plenty, too. Ponyville didn't have a lot, but there were parks and trails and clubs to go to, which would suffice for you.

The streets were alive with ponies. They were all out, taking advantage of the decent weather. who could blame them?

Working your way past fillies, colts, and parents running around and having fun, you try for the edge of town, not far from the park in which you and Fluttershy had just had your picnic.

You glance skyward, scanning for the rainbow-themed pegasus, hoping you wouldn't have to search long for her. You'd be doing plenty soon, anyway. However, she wasn't here. There were clouds above you, but you can't see the tops of them. If she was on one, you'd never know. Unless, of course, you called out to her.

"Hey Rainbow Dash! You up there?" you shout suddenly, startling some nearby ponies and earning dirty looks. "I need to talk to you!" You stand there, arms folded as you wait for a response.

Much to your surprise, she is on a cloud. She's just off to your left, on a puffy, white cumulus cloud over the town hall. You wander over that way when she peeks over the edge of the cloud grumpily.

"Whaddya want?" she grumbles down at you, smacking her lips and rubbing her eyes. Taking a long nap?

You clear your throat and grin up at her, feeling confident. This was because of the last five dates. Honestly, if you managed to date the other five, it was likely she'd be okay with dating you as well. She was up for anything, you heard her say once.

"I'm here to ask you if you want to hang out today. You know, do fun stuff. Be cool. And stuff."

She cocks an eyebrow. "Why do you suddenly want to hang with me? You never have before," she points out, hopping up and gliding down to you. She still seemed so sleepy.

You shrug. "We're not friends?"

She narrows her eyes at you. "Alright, alright. Fine. What do you want to do then, Anon?"

You start walking, prompting to her to follow you, hovering at shoulder height. "I was thinking we could just do whatever it is you want to do," you reply casually, hands stuffed in your pockets.

"What I want to do is nap," she says, yawning and stretching. Of course that's what she wants to do. You kinda want to, too. But that's not the plan. You can't date her in your sleep. Well, realistically.

You sigh and slide past a group of talkative mares. "Yeah, uh, that sounds good and all but, I was hoping for something a little more physical..."

"Whoa, Anon. We barely know each other."

"Not that way!" you protest. "I meant like, maybe we can go race in the park or have a game of ball or frisbee or something. Something that requires us to be active."

She ponders for a moment as the two of you wander through town, dodging other ponies and cutting between buildings, not really going anywhere in particular. You haven't decided where to go yet. Er, she hasn't.

Finally she answers. "A game of intense frisbee sounds good to me," she says with a shrug, landing and trotting beside you. "Yeah, that sounds like fun..."

"Wait, why's it 'intense' frisbee? What's the difference between that and regular frisbee?" You stop and stare at her questioningly. Ponies always have a weird way of saying normal stuff.

She looks up at you oddly. "Uh, it's a game. That you play. Intensely. With a frisbee." That dry sarcasm, though.

You breathe heavily. "Alright, let's go play then. In the park. Lead the way." You step aside to let her take control. She trots ahead, seemingly much more energetic now that you've gotten her to decide what to do. It's too bad she has no idea that you're technically on a date.

As you follow behind her, your eyes subconsciously wander to her plot, for whatever reason. You never noticed how nice pony plots look. So soft, so supple, so squeezable...

"Yo, can I ask why you're oogling my butt?" Rainbow's words spear through your thoughts and startle the crap out of you. She's stopped right in front of you, so you nearly collide with her while coming down from your strange fantasy.

You stand there nervously and embarrassed, scratching your chin. "Uh, hehehe... I... Really don't know," is all you can say. Honestly, what could you say? You have a nice ass? As true as that was, it'd probably be best not to say that.

"Uh huh," she hums, sounding suspicious. "I'm gonna guess and say you see something you like. But let me say this: you can look, but you can't touch." She flicks her hips and spins, turning away from you and intentionally walking with a sway of her hips back and forth.

Damn. She knows she's bad. And she's going to tease the hell out of you.

Before you stare long enough to develop a full salute, you hunch over and follow her briskly. This was going to be a bumpy ride.

Rainbow Dash had way too much energy. Her being able to fly and you not being able to fly didn't help in the slightest. She beat you. Over and over. It was madness! Here in the last game, you actually tied her, much to hers and your surprise.

She was all the way on the other side of the flat, featureless field, hovering with the frisbee and spinning hard, flinging it at you at an insane speed. It soared overhead, zooming past you and towards the tree you'd landed the frisbee by earlier. If she made it into the patch of daisies, she'd win.

You chased after the disk as it lost altitude, descending quickly as it approaches the small patch of flowers.

"Nooooooo!" you yell in protest, not wanting to lose this final match. You skid to a halt near the daisies and watch the frisbee come to a stop as it slams into the earth---just before the daisies. It doesn't roll far, and doesn't go into the patch, where the scorezone is. "Haha!" you exult, excited to finally win. You watch as she glided up to you and the frisbee, a dirty look on her face.

"That totally counts. It's like, two inches from the scorezone. I call that a point," she says adamantly, flipping her mane back over her shoulder.

You chuckle. "Nah. You lost that match. I won. Accept your defeat."

She groans and grits her teeth. "Fine. You won that round. But I won more times. So I still win."

"Whatever you say, Dashie," you smile and wink at her. Flirting with Rainbow Dash might not get you the results you want, or it might. Only one way you'd find out.

"Hey, only my friends can call me Dashie. You can't call me that," she growls, glaring at you, assuming a fighting stance.

You raise your hands in defense. "Now now, are you saying we aren't friends? That's really hurt my feelings if we weren't. After all we've been through together." You snicker a little.

She sits beside you and rolls her eyes. "Alright, I get it. But don't call me Dashie in front of my friends. They'll think something of it." She plods at the ground, staring ahead into the distance.

Think something of it? You sit on your knees, fiddling with the frisbee in your hands. "Like what? What could be 'up'?" You had an idea what that meant, but you wanted to hear it from her. It was the only way you could end up straight asking her out, at least, for a date tonight.

She glanced over at you sideways. "Like we're a couple or something. I don't know," she scratches the back of her head. She sounds a bit nervous. Did she have something on her mind...?

You drop the frisbee and focus on her. The two of you were pretty much alone, so it would be easier without embarrassing her or yourself when you decided to tell her this was pretty much a date. "Can you be a little more descriptive? I mean, a couple? A couple of friends, or...?" You knew very well what she meant, but it didn't hurt to get her to say it straight.

She sighs heavily. "Dating, for Celestias' sake. Like, dating each other. Romance, kissing, all that jazz." She turns away from you. Was she blushing?

You gently grab her shoulder and turn her back to you. Yeah, she was hardcore blushing. "Dash, is there something on your mind? Something you want to tell me, maybe?" you ask lightly, tilting your head questioningly.

She huffs and covers her face. "No. There's nothing," she says flatly.

"I think there's something. You know, I considered this little get together a date. It was a pretty good one, despite you kicking my butt several times."

She uncovers one eye and peeks out at you. "A date? You thought we were dating?"

You shake your head. "No. Not thought. We are dating. This is a date. It's why I asked you to hang with me today. Hope you don't have a problem with that," you say and elbow her side gently.

She waves a hoof dismissively. "Pfft. No, of course I don't have a problem with that. I can see why you'd want to date me. I'm just that attractive and awesome, right?" Her sassy, proud attitude was so enticing.

You nod. "Oh, yeah. That reminds me, I was staring at your butt earlier. Nice butt."

Her cheeks turn rosey. "Dang dude. Way to make a mare feel good about herself."

You lean in a little, grinning widely. "What can I say? I'm not afraid to admit when I see a nice butt." Totally a lie, but, you know.

She glanced around and takes your hand in her hoof. "Let's take this date somewhere a little more private." She yanks you along, heading into town.

Oh no. Private? "Why's that?" you ask, beginning to grow concerned. It shows in your shakey voice.

She gazes back at you and winks. "Much funner things to do in my apartment here in Ponyville than out in the park. Trust me."

Welp.

And the Winner is...

Rainbow Dash is insane.

That's your conclusion from the events that took place last night, in her apartment. After dragging you there, you and her did something you never thought you'd do in Equestria. Not with her. Not with a pony.

Play video games.

That's right. Video games. According to Rainbow, Twilight has been actually listening to you when you described gaming consoles while contributing to "science", as she calls it, and telling her of your world in detail. Somehow, despite having no knowledge of any internal components in these systems, she was able to fabricate a gaming system using magic and more wretched science. It worked pretty well, too; the CoD-style game she made for it was actually pretty well done.

And for once, you beat rainbow pone at something. You'd be damned if she beat you at an activity you had years of experience over her. She didn't take it well, either. Apparently, she "owes you one" now. Whatever that meant.

Well, you've done it. You've dated all of the Elements of Harmony. They all had perks you respected and adored, but only one can have your slimy, underused heart. But which one?

It's late morning, you've already eaten, you're now in the shower preparing to choose one of these mares for a second date. But it was such a hard choice! You never were good at deciding, anyways. Whenever something came up where all the choices were good, you ended up cracking. Most of the time you never made a final choice, either.

But that couldn't happen here. You have to choose one, or be forever married to your hand. You swear on your life that won't happen. You're getting a divorce from your hand.

You drop the bar of soap and sigh, opting not pick it up, and instead turn the faucet off, ending your 30 minute shower. You hop out, nearly slipping, and dry off with the pink towel given to you by Pinkie Pie. You were never sure why, and even more so concerned as to why the thing smelt of cookies, but eh, it's a towel, and no one ever sees you use it besides yourself, so it didn't really matter.

After you get dried off and dressed, you head to the living room and plop into a chair heavily. Boy, this deciding thing was hard. You really didn't know who to pick. You go over their attributes that you enjoy from each of them in your head:

Twilight was nerdy, which is what you are, essentially. Gamers are usually nerdy. And nerdy was kinda hot. Maybe she could eventually help you find a way back home. Which was even more a reason to make the purple pony happy by choosing her.

Rarity was eloquent, desirable, always smelled great, had a charming voice and attitude, and got what she wanted... Usually. Those kinds of girls usually piss you off, but something about the way she did it was attractive. And she was literally the only pony you knew that dressed all the time. Her choices often made her appear even prettier.

Pinkie Pie was a party animal, explosively energetic, could cook like your mom, and was always so positive. Total opposite of you, but maybe that's why she intrigued you so much. If you hung around her enough, those traits might end up rubbing off on you, and you'll feel less like a total douchebag all the time.

Applejack worked. A lot.

Fluttershy was physically attractive, graceful, quiet, reserved, and so very sweet and polite. In your world, these girls got bullied frequently. Fluttershy was bullied here, as well, but not as much now as she did a filly. The fact that she was so selfless all the time was astounding. She could probably teach you a thing or two.

And finally, Rainbow Dash. Probably the most like you. Bold, fun, and kinda sexy. Just your type. Well, if she was a human, you'd have probably banged her by now. Not much else could be said, honestly.

Well, there you have it. All the things you liked about each pony. And yet, you were no less closer to making your choice than you were before you even started dating them.

You lounge back and scratch your chin thoughtfully. What was one to do if all of the choices were the best choice...?

Oh. What an idea you just had. And within seconds, it's your final decision. You jump up and bolt out the door.

You know what they say: If you can't pick just one...

... Pick them all!

The park was the perfect place to gather up all your mares for the second date. Although, mostly getting along, they had a few squabbles. Most of the time it was over who'd spend the following day with you, or who'd had the best date with you. Speaking of dates, they didn't seem to mind the fact that you'd dated them all, one by one. They didn't appear bothered a bit by it. Good for you.

You all sit on a large picnic blanket, some sprawled out, some sitting close to you. And by some sitting close, you mean Rainbow and Pinkie. And they argued about you, much to your amusement.

Rainbow munches on an apple and lays close to your side, resting her head on her arm. "The way I see it, he spent more quality time with me. I should get him tomorrow all to myself," she stated factually, staring from the corner of one eye over at Pinkie, on the other side of you. She glared back at Rainbow, angrily sipping from a coconut through a bendy straw.

"Girls, it's not necessary to be fighting over him. He's dating all of us equally," Twilight spoke up, her adorable glasses resting on the bridge of her muzzle as she glances up from the book she's reading.

You nod in agreement. "What she said."

Pinkie huffs in annoyance. "Well I want him tomorrow. So that's that!" She folds her arms across her chest and gives Rainbow the evil eye. Rainbow ignores it.

You sigh and wrap an arm around the two mares and pull them close. "No need to be rival each other. I can spend the day with both of you. How's that?"

They both laugh, interestingly enough.

Rainbow pushes away from you. "No way, José. You're all mine tomorrow. I want some alone time with you..." Her voice trails off and she grins devilishly. You shiver violently.

Pinkie tugs you close. "Well I plan on baking him everything he wants until he overdoses on sugar! You can't beat that!" she roars, sounding a little crazy.

Rarity scoffs. "Really now. Such uncouth behavior, ladies. Besides, I'm sure he'd rather want a nice, relaxing evening by the fireplace with me." She sits across from you on her famous red sofa, sipping some tea.

Oh boy.

"Pfft, as if," Dash waves a hoof dismissively. "He's too cool for that."

"Actually, um, I was hoping he'd want to help me do some stuff around my place..." Fluttershy interjects so softly it's just about inaudible.

Well, the arguments turn up the volume and you sit there in the middle, wondering what to do. Six mares, one man. Somehow this didn't sound like it'd end well.

Oh well.

You lay back and close your eyes, smiling to yourself and drowning out the voices of the mares yelling around you. It would be a bumpy ride, dating six ladies, but you have to admit it: totally worth it.