//-------------------------------------------------------//
       Team Fortress 2. Equestria's Robot Invasion.        
                       -by Ragemoar-                       
//-------------------------------------------------------//
//-------------------------------------------------------//
                  1. Gathering the Team.                   
//-------------------------------------------------------//
1. Gathering the Team.
Team Fortress 2. Equestria's Robot Invasion.  
Chapter 1. Gathering the Team.
Equestria, Ponyville.
It's been a quiet morning in Ponyville. Princess Celestia just finished raising the sun, waking the civilians of Equestria from their deep slumber after celebrating Nightmare Night. There was one pony, however, that didn't have quite a comforting night's rest.
"Twilight! Twilight! Open up!" The panicking pony started ramming her hooves against Twilight Sparkle's library door.
"Ughh... Pinkie. It's six in the morning. What do you want?" A sleepy Twilight opened the door.
"Well, I was at Fluttershy's cottage last night. And, and, and uhh... I heard some noises coming from the forest when I was heading back home. So I went and took a look around." Pinkie Pie quickly explained.
"And?" Twilight replied.
"What I saw there... It wasn't pretty Twilight."
"What was it?" The subject started to peak the purple unicorn's interest.
"Are you super-duper sure you want to know?" Pinkie Pie started getting closer to Twilight every second.
"Uh-huh." Twilight nodded.
"Aliens." Pinkie Pie whispered in her ear as seriously as possible while waving around her hooves frantically.
"A-Aliens...?" Twilight responded unimpressed. "Is this another one of your pranks with Rainbow Dash?"
"No! I swear Twilight! There really is something in the forest. I just can't explain it. You have to see it for yourself!" Pinkie tried to convince her friend.
"Yes, I'm sure there is something in the forest and I'll gladly come and check it out with you. But not right now, it’s been a long night and I'm still trying to get the candy out of my mane from your pranks yesterday." Twilight Sparkle was simply too tired from last night’s event to take a trip to the Everfree Forest right now.
"B-but what if the aliens come and take over Ponyville!" Pinkie Pie was still worried.
"Yeah, like that'll happen. There's no such thing as aliens Pinkie. Just go home and take a nap as well. You look tired."
"Oh, you'd like that wouldn't you?! Oh no, I'm going to fix this myself if I have to. Don't forget that I've warned you! Spread the word around Ponyville while I save us all!" Pinkie Pie chirped determinately and started heading back to the forest, where the creatures she guessed to be aliens still reside.
"I still think it's a prank again." Twilight said to herself after shutting the door. Little did she know that one of the invaders had already found a way inside her home.
"BEEP BOOP."
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
Several days earlier. United States of America, somewhere in Texas.
Three years have passed since the last time the BLU- 'Builders Leauge United' faced off against the RED- 'Reliable Excavation Demolition'. The BLUs were mysteriously fired one day without given any notice. They were just given a large sum of money and were asked never to return or talk of their experiences there ever again. Since they were not given a choice but ordered, they couldn't do anything but agree with their demands. So the team split up, and never spoken with each other ever since.
Dell Conagher, otherwise known as the Engineer always resented the Mann. Co. for the way they parted. The Respawn and nearly all of the weapons were all designed and created by him, and he was only given some millions of dollars in return. Some things are more important than money, and for the Engineer the most important thing of all were his inventions. They belonged to him, and not the Mann. Co.
But what does it matter? Everyone else seems to be happy. At least Engineer hadn't heard anyone complain. He's even seen Heavy on the news a few times. Apparently he's pretty famous. But whatever, for one day, ONE DAY, Engineer will have his revenge and take back what rightfully belongs to him.
"Dag-nabbit, never thought ah'd miss that darn RED Spy." Engineer sighed as he was taking out the trash. With all the money he was given he was able to buy quite a large house down in Texas. The weather's nice, so are the people. But there was still a vast emptiness in Engineer's heart. He'll worry about that later, but for now he hoped those damn raccoons hadn’t raid the dumpster again.
The moment Engineer walked in the alleyway he felt a strange tension in the air, a certain atmosphere of pure killing-intent. Something Engineer had not experienced in years. Was it a monster raccoon? No... It was something much greater.
"Show yer face stranger. Yer not scaring anyone." Engineer said confidently preparing to defend his property.
It was clear there was someone lurking in the shadows. But he made sure Engineer couldn’t get a good look at him. "One step closer maggot and they'll have to scrape your bits from the roof!" A voice barked defensively.
"Woah! Calm down pardner. Ya just take it easy while ah go an- Wait a minute... Ah recognize that voice!" Engineer replied excitedly.
"You don't know anything! Get away from me Bilbo Baggins!" The unknown person shouted.
"Woah, calm down Solly. Let's just sit down and calmly talk about this like adult men."
"You maggots think you can fool me! I've discovered your dirty schemes years ago! And now you'll pay the price for your ignorance and stupidity!" Solly replied.
"What the hell are ya talkin' about? Ya got hit in the head again or something? And why the hell are you in mah dumpster?"
"This is headquarters as it has been for the past two years Private! And a dirty robot like you is in no position to ask me questions!"
"Dag-nabbit! It's been almost four years now! There ain't any damn robots. It's all in that thick head of yers Soldier." Engineer facepalmed.
"Ahah! You're saying that now, but then how do you explain that mechanical arm HUH? Looks very robot-like to me!" Soldier barked once again, but now from inside the dumpster he picked up a crudely constructed garbage-firing rocket launcher and pointed it at his former teammate whom he guessed to be a evil robot.
"Woah woah! We had to return our weapons years ago. How the hell did ya get that?" Engineer backed away slightly because that thing looks like it might misfire. "Did ya made that yerself?"
"I'm the one asking the questions here maggot!"
"Dag-nabbit Jane! Ya know that mah right arm got replaced with this thing. It's the damn Gunslinger remember? It allowed me to create mini-sentries back on the battlefield." Engineer desperately tried to convince his former teammate.
"Hmm. You get one chance to prove to me that you're human. Just start bleeding." Soldier was certain this was the only way for Engineer to prove that he is in fact a human being.
"Shut up!" Engineer didn't feel like he needed to explain, thus he slapped Soldier on the back of his head. "Is this what ya reduced yerself to? Living in mah dumpster conspiring about damn robots all day?"
Soldier was clearly annoyed by the Engineer smacking his head, but for some reason it allowed him to think more clearly and recognize his old friend. But the thoughts about robots kept lingering in his mind. "I've got proof..." He replied quietly.
"Wha- Whaddya mean ya got proof?"
"Come inside... and I'll show you." Soldier slowly lowered himself back inside his hiding place.
"Ya want me to come inside... your dumpster?"
"Just get in you damn Canadian!" Soldier quickly grabbed Engineer and dragged him inside. The dumpster was as small as you might imagine it to be. Both of them could barely fit in, yet Soldier seems to have lived here for more than two years.
Soldier lit a candle next, revealing his face to be covered in dirt. The grenades Soldier carried around before during their time in Teufort were replaced by old rusty cans. Even his helmet looked like it was picked right out from this trash can. Another big detail Engineer could notice as the candle was lit was the fact the walls were completely covered in pictures, some strange articles from an Australian newspaper and the word 'TOBOR' written everywhere. There was no empty space on the walls in this small dumpster.
"If ya were livin' in mah dumpster for two years... why didn't ya just tell me?" Engineer asked.
"I had to make sure... I wasn't certain if you'd been replaced yet. That's their intention! I found all of these pictures on Foundry! You've also seen the strange articles back at Teufort didn't you? Mann. Co. always asked you to build things. Did they ever mention anything about robots? I'm so close to putting the final pieces together."
"Ah guess they asked me to make some rough sketches of mechanical versions of ourselves one time... But ah never actually build anything like that. An' who else can do such a thing down there?"
"Hmm, yes. As I expected. We're close Private. Very close. It's definitely sure that we've been replaced by robots! But for what reason, that's what I want to find out. Did you really accept the fact we just got suddenly fired that day? Don't you hate them just as much as I do?" Soldier asked.
"Ah don't care what yer saying. Hate is a strong word. Ah’m sure they had their reasons. But ah guess it would've been nice if ah could've kept my toys rather than all this money. Speaking of which... Weren't you given the same amount as me? Why are ya living in mah damn dumpster if you're a millionaire!?" Engineer replied.
"You remember Merasmus?"
"The magician?"
"Yeah that sissy. He didn't help me pay the rent so we got kicked out!"
"Why the hell would ya need help paying rent for that crappy apartment with the millions of dollars ya have?"
"... I might have left my money on the bus."
"Ya left yer briefcase with millions of dollars..."
"Hmm hmm." Soldier nodded.
"On the bus..."
"MAGGOT THAT MONEY HOLDS NO MEANING TO ME! The only thing I want is revenge and my damn weapons back! This thing keeps misfiring randomly."
"Ahd fix it for ya but we don't have the materials right here."
"Exactly! That's why you and me! We go back to Teufort in Australia and look for more clues! After we find what we need we're going back to wherever the Mann. Co. resides now and blow them all up! Rightful vengeance!"
"Ah meant we could drive over to the Home Depot and get some stuff to fix yer gun. But ah like this plan as well. Even though ah still think yer crazy. The fact that Mann. Co. fired us so suddenly always bothered me. So ah want some darn answers."
"So we're going?" Soldier asked excitedly.
"Yep. But ah got an even better idea. We first go and collect the rest of the BLU. Ah'm pretty sure they also want their guns back."
"Hmm... I'm not sure about that. I mean we didn't get to pick our team when we first got there. You really want a German Nazi and a French sissy in our group?"
"Dag-nabbit! Ah don't care what ya think of them. We've been fightin' alongside them for years and ya better don't forget about that. We're a team and it'll always stay like that. And no one is as strong a team as the Builder Leauge United!" Engineer stated.
"Ughh... I guess. As long we can destroy those damn robots I'm happy."
"Good. Now let's get the hell outta this crummy dumpster. We're going on a big trip tomorrow." Engineer jumped out and dragged Solly with him to his house, making final preparations before spontaneously going on a road trip.
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
United States of America. Boston.
By the power of modern technology the Engineer and Soldier managed to locate the positions of most the former BLU members, quite easy actually. It was pretty convenient that nearly all of them had Facebook. Soldier and Engineer took the Texan's truck and started driving towards the closest target, which was Scout.
If one can believe his Facebook page, he's been doing pretty good. There are lots of pictures of fine looking women beside him. But according to his Twitter, he's currently located in the mall. So the two professional stalkers; Engi and Solly, started heading there as well. As they arrived they carefully took cover behind a large indoor plant for no apparent reason. Soldier just mentioned the last time he was in a mall with Scout, it didn't end pretty and he had to fight for his honor while being dressed as Santa-Claus.
"Ah don't get why we need to be so sneaky. He's right over there! Why can't we just approach him and tell him our story? Ah’m sure he'll tag along." Engineer said.
"We can't be sure how advanced these robots are. They could be anyone here, even me!" Soldier answered.
"You and yer darn robots... Fine, let's just eavesdrop for a bit, then."
And so they did. They both followed Scout into a Mac store where he was apparently planning to buy some stuff, or something else. Scout always has been an unpredictable individual.
Scout was approaching at what he thought to be a female employee at the store. Never had a man walked more overconfident as this.
"Excuse me ma'am? Yes hi. Do ya know who I am?" Scout asked.
"Well no. Not r-" The woman was interrupted.
"Yeah doesn't matter. As you can see I'm in desperate need of some new earbuds as my previous ones have seem to have melted inside my skull. That explains most of the blood, which isn't mine. Are you following me?"
"I- Uhh... I have no idea."
"I'll have some new earbuds, babe." Scout tried to say as charmingly as possible.
"Oh okay. We have some right he-" The woman was interrupted again.
"OH YOU MEAN THIS ONE! NHFF!" Scout started making some awkward body movements.
"I... I don't know what's happening right now. Are you flexing?"
"What? No...." Scout answered. Must flex harder he thought. "I was just... RRG! Casually pointing at these particular ones. This is my... RHNGF! Natural pointing stance."
"Oh, okay. That's them there, you found it."
"Yeah I did!" Scout laughed. Ha! Ol' Flexy never fails.
"Fine. I'll just get my husband so you can pay them off. I don't actually work here. He owns the store."
"H-husband? On second thought. I don't like Apple. See ya!" And Scout left just as fast as he came in.
Meanwhile behind a random plant Soldier and Engineer were still following Scout.
"Ya still think he's a robot, Solly?" Engineer asked.
"Nah, he's too stupid to be one. But there's still something off."Soldier replied.
"Yeah, ah guess so. He doesn’t really look like a millionaire. Anyway, let's go talk to him." Engineer said. And as he did both he and Soldier started heading towards the unknowing Scout.
"Hey boy! Long time no see!" Engineer shouted.
"Woah woah! Engi! Solly! What are you guys doing h-" Scout responded but was rudely interrupted.
"TAKE COOOOVER!" Soldier suddenly shot a barrage of rockets from his dumpster-made rocket launcher.
"FUUUUUUUU-" The impact of one of the missiles managed to launch Scout through the air, as he was flying he couldn't help but remember the good ol' times. The other two remaining missiles blew up a pizzeria slightly further and the people inside the mall started fleeing outside, thinking a terrorist attack is happening or something.
"Woah woah! What the hell man? I haven't even finished greeting you and you already think I'm a Spy?" Scout dragged himself up and started complaining to Soldier.
"Nngghh. Can't be sure enough. But it looks like you're bleeding. You pass... for now." Soldier replied quietly.
"Yeah ignore Solly for a while. He's gone a bit crazy in the head if ya ask me. We're just here to ask ya some questions if that's alright?" Engineer asked.
"Shoot." Scout answered.
But Engineer was never able to ask his questions as an angry-looking Italian person with quite a large mustache started approaching them.
"Why would you blow up the Luigi's Pizza Place?" He asked with the most stereotypical Italian accent ever.
"Uhh, Luigi. Listen man. These guys ar-" Scout was interrupted.
"No, no! You bring the Luigi bad luck! He first find the fast boy Keith and he goes deliver the pizzas very fast. Make the customers very happy! Luigi finally started making the good moneys, then you and your friends blow up the Luigi's life-long work!" The Italian said angrily.
"Dude! You haven't even been in the USA for two months!" Scout replied.
"Luigi doesn't care. You're fired. And Luigi is calling the police!" The Italian reached out to his cellphone.
"SCREAMING EAGLES!" Soldier suddenly leaped into the air and equipped a shovel he was 'borrowing' from a nearby store. He struck the mustached man right in the face, knocking him out instantly. As the Italian fell to the ground Soldier quickly went ahead and stole his chef's hat.
"Solly! What the hell do ya think yer doing? We're getting the entire US army after us if ya keep doing dumb stuff like this." Engineer quickly pulled Soldier aside before he could cause more collateral damage.
Suddenly loud sirens could be heard in the distance startling the three former BLU members.
"Oh shit! It's the cops! They'll never let me go for this one. We need to get the hell out of here; I don't care whatever it was you're asking. I'm going with you two and you're paying for everything I need." Scout wanted to get away as quickly as possible for some reason.
"Don't ya have any money left from what the Mann. Co. gave us?" Engineer asked.
"We were supposed to get money? Oh man. I overslept that day and everyone was gone and so were my guns!" Scout ended with a sigh.
"Don't matter. That's exactly what we're retrieving. We're off to Europe next. We'll need our good ol' friend the Demolition Man." Engineer ended the conversation.
And so the three former BLU's ran away as quickly as they could, Avoiding the law for now. There were much more important things going on. Their next stop was Scotland, so they swam! All across the Atlantic Ocean.
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
Somewhere in the Scottish Highlands. An enormous mansion overlooking Loch Ness.
"For the last time, mum. I don't have to go to work. It's me morning off." The eye-patch wearing black Scotsman named Tavish DeGroot , put simply as Demoman, explained.
"Morning off?! Oh, Lord help me! You've been fired, I knew it!" Demoman's mother (who is completely blind.) replied, worried about this 'morning off'.
"It's just one morning mum." Demoman said while pouring a cup of tea.
"Oh well. That's fine then, I'm sure. I just wish yer poor old da' could take a morning off... from spinnin' in his grave at yer idleness!" Mum responded.
"For gods sake mum! I know that I got fired from the Mann. Co., but I'm still holding down four jobs and I'm still awaiting approval for another job overseas."
"Ha! Four jobs? Tavish, your father, god rest his soul, had twenty-six jobs and still had time to teach ye the family trade!"
"I'm making more money than ever before. I solely made twenty-million dollar just this year. We live in a bloody mansion atop Loch Ness for God’s sake!"
"WHO TOLD YE TO BUY A BLOODY MANS-" Mum was interrupted as someone started violently knocking on the door.
"Ughh. On me only mornin' off they still manage to bother me." Demoman sighed as he dragged himself to the front door.
But there he saw them. Soldier, Engineer and Scout looking quite exhausted. Suddenly, strange thoughts entered Demoman's mind. How long has it been since he had the time to casually enjoy a Scrumpy? Three... maybe four years? No... No more! It's been enough. Demoman didn't care what the former BLU's wanted. He was going to take this chance to take some time off. Non-stop working can drive a man insane, denying him his alcohol even more.
"Who's that! Do they got any jobs for ye?" Mum shouted across the room.
"He he he... That's right mum! Ye remember I told ye about that overseas job? That's what they're here for." Demoman chuckled.
"Aye good. Where is this job exactly?" Mum asked.
"Just go with it!" Demoman poked Engineer who alongside the BLU's was looking pretty confused.
"Uhh. It's in Australia ma'am. Tending to kangaroos and blowing up dams and whatnot." Engineer replied.
"Aye! Australia. And that's exactly where I'm going right now. Love ya mum!" Demoman left as quickly as possible, not even packing anything apart from his overweight wallet.
"Good. Be a nice boy." Mum waved her son and the BLU's goodbye, not knowing what their exact intentions were.
"Alrighty then, what do ye maties want exactly?" Demoman asked the BLU's when they were far away enough from the mansion.
"Well yeah, we're actually going to Australia after collecting the rest of the team. We want our weapons back and some answers regarding our unfortunate separation with the company." Engineer answered.
"Aye, I've got me share of questions as well. I'm just happy for some time away from me jobs. I haven't drunk any Scrumpy in years. I've haven't even blown up anything in more than a month!" Demoman replied.
"You better haven't forgotten your skills from our years fighting the REDs! We'll need that little bit extra if we're facing robots!" Soldier barked.
"R-robots?" Demoman was pretty confused.
"Yeah, don't listen to him. He's gone completely insane again." Scout added.
"Ah. Don't worry mate! I can still make a bloody time-bomb from yer Granny's wheelchair. Ye can count on me." Demoman said confidently.
"Good. Ah guess either France or Germany is next. Spy or Medic?" Engineer asked to no one in particular. "And how the hell are we gettin' there? I ain't swimming again."
"Don't ye worry again laddy! I got it all covered." Demoman pressed a nearby lever hidden in a rock on the hillside.
Before they could even say 'dafuq?', they found themselves inside some crazy hidden bat-cave. Light switches started turning rapidly, brightening the entire cave revealing a long tunnel. At the end of this tunnel was a large platform. On top of that platform was something that would make the rest of their trip much more easy and comfortable.
"How do ye like her mates?" Demoman said proudly, revealing his personal private-jet. "I guess it pays off having multiple jobs." He chuckled.
In much amazement the group entered the airplane. It was large enough to carry the entire team. It had ten passenger seats, a mini-bar and even a Jacuzzi, quite convenient.
"Hey look! Demoman's got booze!" Scout yelled excitedly.
"YE TAKE YER FILTHY HANDS OFF THAT!" Demoman leaped over the bar and uppercutted Scout across the entire vehicle. "This is MY Scrumpy. I've been savin' it for a special occasion. And today is just that."
"Ouch man... You could've just said so." Scout complained.
Demoman took place at the pilot's seat. Who else but him could control such a complicated vehicle? Engineer confronted the notably-dangerous Scotsman.
"Are ya sure ya can drive this thing? I'm pretty sure havin' one eye and being drunk isn't helping." He asked.
"OI! Ye just leave me do my thing! That rule only applies to cars, not to aerial devices. An' ye don't talk about me bloody eye!" Demoman responded angrily.
"Okay man. Take it easy. I'll let you do yer thing but let me know if ah need to step in, okay?" Engineer replied.
"Fine lad. Off to Germany first. LEEEEEEEEET'S DOOO IT!" Demoman chugged down his bottle of Scrumpy and started up the jet. Before they even knew they were already soaring gracefully through the clouded skies of Scotland.
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
France, Paris.
"Dag-nabbit Demoman! Ah told ya to go straight ahead after Amsterdam, not take a right turn!" Engineer said to the crazed drunken pilot.
"O-oh, boyo, don't ye fret. I've done this a million times." Demoman responded with bad breath. "Alright! Ye laddies get out while I find somewhere to park this baby."
"Wait, wait... what? This isn't a car. We don't have any damn parachutes you insane psycho!" Scout replied worried.
"It don't matter mates! The Eifel tower will break yer fall! Now get out!" Demoman activated the autopilot for a second and proceeded to kick out the BLU members one by one.
"AAAAAAHHH!" The citizens of Paris could hear the screams of terror caused by the three terrified men high above them crashing down at an alarmingly fast rate.
Meanwhile at a fancy restaurant.
"Gentlemen, may I take your order?" The man formerly known as the BLU Spy asked some snobby tourists.
"I say, Anderson. This establishment is not as good as the brochure told us. For goodness sake! The waiter is smoking a cigarette and wearing a ski-mask!" One said.
"Hmm. Quite, yes indeed." The other one replied.
"My apologies fine gentlemen. Allow me to make amends." Spy said.
"Good. I was starting to think this was all a crude joke. Wouldn't that be rather intriguing Anderson?"
"Hmm. Yes indeed."
But the two tourists did not get the treatment they wanted. Instead they got an enraged Frenchmen violently pushing his cigarette against one of their faces. One got up to defend the other, but quickly backed away as he saw the BLU Spy flicking a sharp kitchen knife.
"Listen good sir, if it’s money you want you can have it!" The terrified man begged.
"No monsieur. You came in my restaurant and complain about me as I stand beside you. Such a rude act is forgivable. But insulting my attire is not. Away with you disgusting pigs! Zhis restaurant is only for true gentlemen." Spy pointed them towards the door.
"True gentlemen? I say! Then what are those three ruffians doing over there?"
"Ruffians? Zhere is no such th-" Spy stopped mid-sentence as he saw Engineer, Scout and Soldier, his old team members barge into his fancy restaurant. "Oh, Mon Dieu!"
"Maggot! I just survived a five-thousand feet drop! You cannot tell me to LEAVE when I got business here. Do you understand that?" Soldier barked at one of the employees that refused to let the group further in.
"Gentlemen. What brings you to my establishment? I thought we left zhe world of war and violence behind us." Spy asked as he approached them.
"Yeah, fat chance Frenchy." Scout replied.
"Ah young Scout! Tell me, how is your lovely mother?" Spy said as he started grinning.
"You don't talk about that ya shapeshifting rat!" Scout replied annoyed.
" Ah, ma petite chou-fleur. Such lovely memories, but now almost forgotten. Tell me your business quickly; I have a job to do." Spy stated.
"To make it quick, we're gathering the team one last time to retrieve our weapons an' get some answers." Engineer explained.
"Hmm, I see. Not interested." Spy replied.
"What! Are you scared you damn Frenchy? Backing away from a true challenge where we can destroy those damn robots once and for all?" Soldier added.
"Robots hmm? I see that you've gone crazy again, as expected. But no, my life has only gotten better after leaving the Mann. Co. I've even been able to buy zhis restaurant and not have to worry about money for zhe rest of my life." Spy said.
"Dag-nabbit. Ain't there anything we can do to convince ya?" Engineer knew that Spy's abilities were extremely useful for certain situations.
"Ha! You can try. I can just smoke and insult tourists all day long. You'll have to burn zhis restaurant to the ground to get me away from here HA! Muaha... HAHAHAHAAAAA." Spy suddenly started laughing slightly maniacally and snorted as a pig.
As the cackling of the mad Frenchmen stopped, they expected a dead-silence. They did not get such a thing. A loud thundering engine could be heard soaring closely above the building.
"Oh shit. This can't be good." Scout already started taking cover.
"No! Vhat are you imbeciles planning?" Spy asked concerned. But there was no time for answers.
"HA-HAAA! KAAAABLOOEEEEY!" Demoman in his drunken state managed to crash his private jet straight into Spy's restaurant. Guess he found a parking place, after all. The entire building started collapsing, unfortunately so did the plane. Most likely these event should have alarmed the local authority, so now was a good time to wrap things up.
"Demoman you crazy Scottish bastard! I haven't seen an explosion like that in years. Good job!" Soldier complimented the Demolition Man.
"Thanks lad. I thought it'd be proper to enter with a bang. Now where did I leave me plane?" Demoman said as he pulled himself from the wreckage, completely unscathed of course. But he couldn't be happier. The world was just so much more of a happy place after a bottle of Scrumpy.
"You imcompetent fools! You've ruined everything that I've ever invested my money in. You're all going to repay me for zhis!" Spy was extremely angered by what occurred.
"Fine, after we're done dealing with the Mann. Co., that is. Let's go Privates!" Soldier commanded his troops.
"Did ya have to blow up the darn plane? How the hell are we gettin' to Australia later? Dang-it!" Engineer complained.
"We'll find a way! I've spent five years in Europe slaughtering those Nazi bastards! I know this place like the palm of my hand! Ah, my hands! They're on fire; I AM ON FI-AR!" Soldier quickly proceeded to drop and roll to extinguish the flames and took the lead as the group started heading towards their next target, the BLU Medic.
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
Germany, Stuttgart.
Finally after a long journey through the mountains and countryside of Germany, the group arrived in Stuttgart, where they found out that their old friend, the Medic, resided. They weren't certain what his current occupation was, but surely it wouldn’t be pretty.
A jolly slightly overweight German man wearing lederhosen approached the group. "Guten tag meine freunde! Wie geht es dir an diesem schönen tag?"
Something snapped in Soldier's brain as the seemingly nice man started speaking. The Germans... The Nazi's! He fought them all on his own across Europe until 1949, when he was finally told the war had ended.
"DIEEEE NAZI PIG!" Soldier immediately pulled out his shovel and started hacking away like a madman.
"No Solly! Just because he's German doesn't mean he's a damn Nazi! Besides, the war ended more than sixty years ago!" Engineer desperately tried to stop his enraged team mate but in vain.
"Oh mein Gott, das wird nicht gut enden!" The German man tried to defend himself against the mad Soldier, but he was no match.
"This is MY world. You are not welcome in MY world!" Soldier prepared for the finishing blow.
"Soldier! Nooooooo!!!" Several former members of the BLU shouted at him to stop. But there was no stopping a crazy man and his shovel.
Soldier roared a final battle cry and smacked his shovel straight inside the German man's skull. But... there was something off. This wasn’t a German at all!
"TAKE COOOOVER!" Soldier shouted as he quickly ducked to the ground.
"For w-" Scout was interrupted by something no one expected.
*BOOOOOM*
A large explosion blew the group away, literally. Luckily, none of them were injured apart from some scratches and bruises.
"What the bloody hell jus' happened?" Demoman asked.
"I told you maggots before. Just take a look at our jolly friend." Soldier pointed towards the German that not much remained of. But what did remain were mechanical parts sprouting from everywhere along his large body. It was... a robot, a robot carrying a bomb.
"Woah woah... There's actually robots? So you ain't crazy at all?" Scout said.
"Nah, I knew about it all along. Luckily I'm one step ahead of them every time. You think this is the first one I've encountered?" Soldier replied.
"Ya mean ya have seen these things before?" Engineer wondered.
"Exactly Private. When the Mann. Co. realized I was on to them, they started sending multiple robots to assassinate me. It seems they're aware that we're on our way." Soldier explained.
"Zhis is quite an interesting development indeed. Perhaps I will stick around longer than anticipated as zhese... robots have peaked my curiosity." Spy added.
"Then we ain't got any time to waste. Let's get Medic immediately and Heavy after that as soon as possible. Then it's off to Australia for Sniper and the Mann. Co." Engineer stated.
"What about... you know who?" Scout asked slightly frightened.
"I ain't had any luck location Pyro. Looks like we're going without him." Engineer said.
A few moments later.
"Is this the place?" Soldier asked.
"Damn... It sure looks like some place Medic likes to hang out." Scout added.
The group was looking at an enormous castle surrounded by dark clouds and a unnatural thunderstorm. The sign outside said; Ze Doktor. Veterinarian.
"Yep. Ah guess this is the place. Ah didn't think good ol' Medic would still be practicing medicine after losing his license. Anyway, let's get inside. This place gives me the creeps." Engineer said.
So the BLUs ventured inside the dark spooky castle. They could faintly hear maniacal laughter in the distance. Whatever the doc was doing, it surely couldn’t be pretty.
"Ja! Jawohl! HAHAHAHA! It's alive!" They heard a familiar voice shout in a German accent.
"My god, this is..." Soldier said as he and the group was amazed by what they witnessed after passing the corner. Their old sadistic friend Medic, surrounded by tesla coils generating lightning across the entire room laughing maniacally as he was...
Bandaging a poor puppy's paw.
"Zhere you go little freund. Now go back to ze kind fraulein hmm?" Medic picked up the little cute dog and returned him to its owner.
"Vielen dank für ihre zeit. Es wird sehr geschätzt herr doktor." The dog's owner thanked Medic.
"Ja, no problem. Now vould you kindly leave? It vould appear I have some unexpected guests." Medic helped the woman outside before returning to the BLU's who were just standing around casually.
"So Medic... You heal puppies now?" Scout asked while grinning.
"Dummkoff! Silence! You zhink I vant to do zhis? Oh how much I miss ze scent of blood and ze noise of explosions. Zhose were ze good times. Not a day passes zhat I'm not reminded of it somehow." Medic explained quickly.
"Then I got good news for ya pardner. I'm collecting the BLU's. We're gettin' back our guns and apparently fight an army of robots. Are ya up for it?" Engineer asked.
"Hmm hmm." Medic chuckled. "Yes... Ze hurting is much more fulfilling then ze healing. I vill join you in zhis... interesting quest. And having ze medi-gun in my possession again vould be most ideal for ze future!"
"Then we're off to Russia next for Heavy. Ya got a car or something doc?" Engineer asked.
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
Russia, Moscow.
Out of all the former BLUs, Demoman was the most successful. But the man known as Heavy Weapons Guy was by far the most famous. After leaving the Mann. Co., the Russian returned to Mother Russia for glorious adventures. At first he was enraged for being separated with Sasha, his beloved mini-gun that he owned even before his job at the company. Luckily the presence of his most loyal comrade, Sandvich, made the past years more tolerable for Heavy.
He found solitude and peace in a new game, a sport to be exact. Football. And no, before you ask, Heavy is not a player. He's something far greater than that. He's the current manager/coach of the Russian national team. Alongside Sandvich, of course, who was the assistant-manager. He was often portrayed negatively in the news worldwide for his unorthodox methods of training and punching people. He even managed to punch Chuck Norris, right in his face!
Today was a glorious day for Russian football as their national team faced off against one of their greatest rivals, the Dutch! It was a friendly match, sure. But none could disagree that this game was important for morale for the upcoming tournament.
During half-time the score was 0-2 in favor of the Dutch. It was up to Heavy to lift their spirits so that they might make a comeback in the second half.
"What sick man sends babies like you to kick little ball for Mother Russia! You are all cowards!" Heavy yelled.
"But coach! They're much more fit than us. You've been pushing us to much with your insane training schedule. We're not all monsters like you!" One of the players tried to explain.
"NJET, YOU ARE ALL TINY PUNY MEN. But other entire team is babies! They do not suffer cold Russian winters like us. But come comrades, I have something that will make crushing enemies easier." Heavy gestured for the team to gather round.
"You... mean steroids coach?!"
"Bah! Little man is stupid, is funny to me. Njet, is something better!" Heavy said as he suddenly grabbed a large bag out of nowhere. He pulled out at least twenty home-made sandwiches.
"What... is this?"
"Is sandvich. Eat up comrades."
"Is this going to make us play better?"
"DA! BOLOGNA IS PERFECT FUEL FOR KILLING TINY COWARDS!" Heavy shouted.
"I don't think we're supposed to kill them coach."
"Does not matter! Eat sandvich and crush enemy. GO NOW!" Heavy shouted once again, scaring the entire team out the locker room.
Just moments before the BLU arrived in Moscow in Medic's hippie-van. Don't ask. They managed to sneak inside the stadium by using Soldier and Scout as bait. They just threw them on the street and shortly after either of them opened their mouth, the Russians couldn't really respect the words that came out. Soldier was over the top racist and Scout's Bostonian accent was just too annoying to listen to. So some Russians gathered and simply started beating the crap out of them, which caused a scene forcing the security to deal with that. This made it much easier for the other BLUs to sneak inside. They arrived in the locker room at the same moment Heavy 'inspired' his football team and scared them away afterwards.
"Heavy. We're here to c-" Engineer was rudely interrupted by the Russian.
"Njet don't talk. Is it time?" Heavy said.
"Whaddaya mean?" Engineer asked.
"Is time to crush cowards who took Sasha? Heavy never forgets."
"Ah guess that's what we're planning yeah. Are ya up for it?"
"Da. Heavy will cancel meeting with Oprah tomorrow. Little kick ball team is good. I told secret of Sandvich. They don't need me anymore."
"Excellent. Then just one more trip and we're ready to deal with ze Mann. Co." Spy added.
"Aye! That reminds me mate! We blew up our plane. And uhh... Medic's van is pretty stupid. Ye got some vehicle to transport us to Australia quickly? " Demoman asked. "I seem to have lost me wallet."
"Da! Heavy has glorious truck. Is pride of Russia and runs over water! Come comrades, we go now! Sasha is alone and waiting for me. All these years... Heavy will not forgive them for hurting her."
So the group went outside the stadium. But there was something odd. There was a large crowd of angry looking Russians holding flaming torches. It appeared they were following someone.
"Hey hey YO!" Scout suddenly appeared behind the BLUs. "We got a major problem on our hands."
"What the heck happened here son?" Engineer asked.
"Yo that crazy Solly! He said to those mad Russians that bears are stupid. And after that he stole one of their Ushankas!" Scout explained.
"WHAT! Puny Soldier must not insult bears. They are glorious beasts! And no man that takes a Russian's hat will live to tell." Heavy said.
"Ughh. Surrounded by zhese dummkoffs give me a strange feeling of satisfaction. Somezhing must be wrong vith me." Medic facepalmed.
"Oui. I know how you feel doctor." Spy added.
"Dag-nabbit! Hold yer tea-party later. We'll need Solly for what's coming. Me an' Heavy will get that truck ready. You guys get Solly back in one piece preferably." Engineer said taking command.
"I have an idea! Quickly, Scout! Give me your mother's phone number!" Spy asked.
"Okay! It's 555-5... Hey, wait a minute! What's that gonna do to help us?" Scout replied confused.
"I didn't say it vas going to help us." Spy grinned.
"Ughh... I hate you sooooo much." Scout facepalmed.
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
Australia, some nameless town.
The BLUs managed to escape the angry hooligans in Russia. It wasn't that hard actually. After they realized Soldier was a good friend of Heavy, one of Russia's most beloved citizens, they agreed not to violently murder him. So Soldier got out with just a savage beating plus he also had to give up his dumpster-made garbage launcher to the people of Russia. All and all, it was a decent trade. They arrived in a strange looking town where they pinpointed Sniper's location. They were disturbingly shocked by what they encountered.
"Ah can't believe mah eyes. Sniper... after all these years of insults... an' now this?" Engineer said flabbergasted.
"Wow... I think me mind jus' done blow up itself." Demoman was pretty confused and drunk of course. He couldn't leave Russia without some Vodka.
"Soldier lived in a dumpster for years. I could've seen that coming... But zhis? No! Never in my life." Spy was shocked.
"Ha-bloody-ha. Very funny. Are ya done?" Sniper responded feeling quite insulted.
"Dude... You're a fruit shop owner. Didn't you hate those guys?" Scout asked.
"Damn right I bloody hated those good for nothing arrogant fruit salesmen. But times have changed mate. No one wants to hire an assassin these days to pop some heads off anymore. It's just riding over their frontlines and blow everything up with a bloody tank or something. I hate modern times." Sniper explained.
"So why are you selling fruit? You could've just been an uhh... fisherman!" Scout said.
"Screw ya big heads and ya bloody fish! Now what the hell do ya guys want?" Sniper wanted an explanation.
"Pardner, we need yer help. We're going to Teufort to look for some clues to where our weapons and the Mann. Co. are currently located. Then we're takin' back what's ours. Also there's something with robots. Ya up for this job?" Engineer explained and asked.
"Beats this bloody job that's for sure. Count me in! But where's Pyro?" Sniper replied.
"We don't have a clue. We've been able to locate everyone by using the internet. Pyro doesn't have a Facebook page, I think. And we can't really limit our search because uhh... we don't know much about... him?" Scout answered.
"That's too bad. I like that crazy guy." Sniper replied.
"Yep. Ah like that maniac as well. But we're gonna have to deal with this without him, might even be for the better. He's always been a little bit... off." Engineer said.
"I don't know mates. Ye remember when he lighted everything up in flames in me armory? Granted I liked the bang, but it was still pretty dangerous." Demoman added.
"I fear no man. But that thing... It scares me." Heavy said slightly worried. Pyro was by far the most unstable being of the BLUs. No one knew exactly what he, she or it even was. But he was extremely dangerous in certain times.
"One shudders to imagine vhat inhuman thoughts lie behind zhat mask." Spy said as he lighted up a cigarette for an even more dramatic effect. "What dreams of chronic and sustained cruelty?"
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
New,Mexico, Teufort.
Teufort was one of the many places where the BLUs would fight their eternal battles with the REDs. It's been abandoned ever since the BLUs had mysteriously gotten fired. Some scraps of sentry guns still lingered on the ground. There was still blood deeply soaked within the wooden bridge in the middle. The fence was just slightly opened, yet it seemed not to have been used in years. But there was still one that remained all these years in solitude right here in Teufort.
The BLU Pyro. He slowly stepped out the resupply chamber and took note of his surroundings. Nothing unusual. He quickly stepped outside on the sniper perch overlooking the bridge and a large part of the RED base.
"Mmmmppppphhh!" Pyro's muffled noises were echoing throughout the town.
"Mmpphh hudda hudda mmmppphh hudda hud!" He continued making more awkward noises while randomly blasting his flamethrower in the air. He continued to walk over the bridge. Before entering the RED base he took a good look at the fence which was still untouched. A man can dream can't he? A man can dream.
He continued further inside the RED base. His goal was to capture the enemy’s intelligence, as it has been for years. He continued further inside the enemy base. Just before passing the RED spawn, Pyro noticed a wooden cut-out of a cow just standing there. Pyro knew one thing for sure and that is that he did NOT like this cow one bit.
Once again he continued further. He eventually reached the RED intelligence. Pyro took a good look to see if there weren't any spies around. He quickly grabbed the briefcase holding the meaningless intelligence and started rushing back upstairs. He kept running the same way he got in and eventually ended up in his home base. He captured the intelligence! Unfortunately, the announcer was no longer around, so no one was calling the score.
"Hudda!" Pyro was still pretty happy about it anyway. Pyro continued to take several trips to the RED base and continuously capture the intelligence uninterrupted. Each time as he did so, he celebrated in a different fashion. One time he used fire axe to play as a guitar. The other time he used his famous Hudda-oken.
Pyro entered the RED base for the fourth time this day. He once again entered the intelligence room without being interrupted. Pyro took one good look at the spinning briefcase. He knows it isn't the same as the old days. It's all meaningless and a waste of time. Anyway, it's time to head back to see what that cow is up to. So Pyro left the intelligence and started heading upstairs again.
Pyro missed the past probably more than any other member of the BLU's. All he could remember was having fun and happy times alongside the BLU and RED. Until one day, everyone simply disappeared and left the town deserted, leaving poor Pyro with no place to go to. He always hoped that one day the others would return and continue their happy adventures in Teufort and its surroundings.
So that's what Pyro has been doing all this time. He did not want to forget about the past, so he never stopped doing his own thing, burning everything that approached him. He had just one goal: Protect the backpacks left by the BLU. Pyro just prayed that it wouldn't be for nothing.
He probably didn’t even need to protect it because there has only been one person here in almost four years. And that person didn't get passed Pyro, no matter how hard they tried.
"Mmmpphh." Pyro sighed. He continued upstairs when suddenly he heard some strange noises emerging from outside. This was a first to Pyro in years. He quickly ran outside to acess the situation.
The fence... It was completely opened!
"Hudda?" Pyro was slightly confused, but happy in a way. Maybe someone has come to play with him.
"BEEP. MAGGOT! BOOP."  A strange mechanized voice shouted from behind the Pyro.
"Mmmpph! Hudda hud!" Pyro guessed this strange person to be Soldier, one of his old friends. There was one thing off though. Instead of wearing red or blue as a team color this guy was completely dressed in gray. Pyro didn't really notice the red glowing eyes and mechanical body.
"Hudda!" Pyro was overjoyed to see his old friend. He was going to greet him the same way he always did. Cover him in happy rainbows and sunshine with his beloved Rainblower.
"Mmmpphahahaaa!" Pyro's muffled laugh was terrifying to say to least. Where he guessed he was spreading joy and happiness, he was in fact causing death and decay by using the flamethrower to incinerate everything in its path. Of course the robot did not stand a chance against this wall of flames. The mechanical Soldier blew up into pieces shortly after.
"Mmpph?" Pyro was confused once again as he didn't see the person get up anymore. He just didn't understand. What was happening, why was reality... so unreal?
No-one knows what exactly caused Pyro to become like this. Some say it was the result of countless drugs, other say he was crazy from the beginning. Few even dare to say that he's become mentally unstable after being burned alive himself, and that's the reason he would never take off his mask or suit. There's even some that say he's a misunderstood little school-girl. But in reality no one knows, not even Pyro.
"MMMRAARRRGGHHH!!" Pyro was now extremely angered because the only person he's seen in years had now disappeared.
"Hey look! There he is." A voice suddenly state from outside the fence.
"Mmmph?" Pyro once again confused kept his distance and did not approach these strange visitors. His goal was still to defend the backpacks and the legend of Teufort.
"Well, Ah'll be damned. Of all the places in the world, he's actually still here." Another voice stated. They all sounded extremely familiar to Pyro.
"Look! Another robot. By the flag, this one is handsome!"
"Mmmpph!" Pyro warned the visitors not to come any closer. He aimed his flamethrower in their direction.
But one man of the group that just entered Teufort ventured forward fearlessly. Who was this insane man that laughs directly at the face of Death? WHO?!
"Oh-ho, boyo! I missed ye so much. If I wasn't the man I was, I'd kiss ye! But come for a good old hug won't ye?" It was Demoman! And he was apparently pretty drunk. In his drunken state he managed to give Pyro a caring hug.
"Mmmph?" Pyro was confused, but not bothered. When taking a second good look at this strange group he noticed they weren't strange at all. Well maybe a little, but they were the BLUs! That's what he guessed at least, because they weren't in uniform. And they weren't making strange BEEP BOOP noises. That's a plus he thought.
Should he... cover them in happy rainbows like the old times? He could risk losing them again as he did with the strange Gray Soldier before. No, Pyro didn't want to take that risk. He'd leave them as they are for now. Their presence alone made him happy.
"Mmmmpphh! HUDDA HUDDA HUD!" Pyro raised his flamethrower and cheered like as if he'd just captured the intelligence. He was incredibly glad to see the BLUs again. Surely this must mean that happy times will come back soon?
"Scout! Go take a look around the base. Engi! You take a look at the handsome robot fella won't you?" Soldier was the one taking command now.
Scout immediately started rushing towards the BLU base, seeing if there's anything of value, or any clue regarding the current location of the Mann. Co. Engineer meanwhile collected some scraps from the half-incinerated and exploded robot.
"Well would ya look at that." Engineer picked up the Gray Soldier's helmet.
"What is it, mein hard-hatted freund?" Medic wondered.
"There's some text on here. Let me check if ah can get the dirt off." Engineer started cleaning the helmet with water from the tunnels down below Teufort. "Made in the USA, Texas, Threefort... DAGG-NABBIT! We gotta go back where we started."
"We ride truck over big sea and crush puny Mann. Co!" Heavy stated. That would be the obvious plan, yes.
"Yo guys. You are not going to believe what I just found!" Scout was done scouting and found something interesting.
"What do ye got matey?" Demoman asked.
"Just come to the resupply chamber. You'll love this." Scout asked the group to follow him. And so they did.
"Hudda hudda mmmpph!" This was the thing Pyro was protection all these years. The group was more than amazed to see each of their backpacks still in the same state as they've left them. Inside each of those backpacks were every class’s stock weapons, a large collection of hats, and some miscellaneous items. And lastly of course their BLU uniforms.
For a normal person, hats might not seem like something too care about much. For the former employees of Mann. Co. ,however, it was something much greater. For years, the BLUs fought against the REDs without any clear difference between them apart from their uniform colors. The arrival of hats and miscellaneous items changed that forever. Whether it was just a steel pan or a beanie, a small medic-doll or some fashionable glasses, it didn't matter. It was because of these that allowed them to dress with something different and make a clear difference between the two rivaling teams. Also their stock weapons! Yay, pew-pew!
"Sasha! Come here baby!" Heavy was overjoyed to be reunited with his beloved mini-gun again. Oh, he could remember his younger days when he would kiss Sasha good night every evening in her own little tiny bed.
"Ja. Zit is rather convenient that ze company just left ze weapons here." Medic was bothered by this fact, but was glad to hold his medi-gun again. Basically it allowed him to play god. It would heal and fix all the damage done to a person's body, at least when they were still alive. Medic was not able to reanimate the dead.
"Mmmpphh!" Pyro raised his flamethrower cheering happily. He wanted to let them know he was the one protecting them.
"Did ya stay here to guard our stuff son?" Engineer asked.
"Mmpphh." Pyro nodded.
"Nice job man. This place looks like it's been abandoned for years, did anyone ever come here to try an' take it?" Engineer asked.
"Hudda!" Pyro nodded again. He raised his finger pointing out the fact that just one person ever tried.
"What crazy bloody bastard would try to come here to steal our bloody hats and guns?" Sniper wondered.
"Mmpphh." Pyro pointed towards one of the large speakers stationed around Teufort.
"Ya mean the Announcer came here boy?" Engineer asked.
"Mmphh. Mmphhawahaha!" Pyro nodded one more time to confirm this. He raised his flamethrower and did his battle shout letting the BLUs know it's no easy task getting past him.
"Then that's our next target maggots! She's also the one that fired us. HEAVY! Get the truck ready. We're going to the USA to end this game once and for all." Soldier stated.
"Mmmpph?" Pyro was pretty hesitant towards leaving Teufort. It's the only place he's been in for years. He didn’t know anything else anymore.
"Son, I know yer worried. But ya gotta realize that we've been screwed over by the company. We want to set things straight as a team, one last time. Are ya in or not?" Engineer hoped for Pyro's cooperation.
Pyro took a deep sigh and suddenly started sprinting outside. He jumped atop the bridge in the center of Teufort. He raised his fire axe high up in the sky and followed with his trademark taunt, playing it as a guitar. He was ready for a new fun adventure, now more than ever.
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
Texas, Threefort.
The BLU finally arrived back to where they started. Apparently, this mysterious town named 'Threefort' was only a few miles away from Engineer's home. Many facepalms were made that day. But there was no time to be bothered by that fact right now. They had a job to do. Although they all weren't really certain what that job actually was. Some wanted answers, some wanted to have fun, and others just wanted to blow up evil robots. All of them had their own intention and reasons to continue with this glorious adventure.
"There it is... Threefort! What a dump." Scout said. It was an exact copy of Teufort. Only there was a metal bridge rather than a wooden one. Wow! Very impressive.
"Ah wonder what the heck is going on here." Engineer wondered.
But his question would soon be answered as they suddenly heard a familiar voice shout throughout the speakers surrounding the small town.
"Mission begins in 5, 4, 3, 2 1. BEGIN!" It was the Administator/ Announcer/ Helen.
"We found our target maggots. Prepare for battle!" Soldier already had his rocket launcher aimed at a completely random location.
But the team had no chance to start looking for the Administator as suddenly two very familiar looking teams started storming outside their bases. It was the Gray team versus the... slightly less Gray team! All of the members were mechanical replica versions based on the BLU and RED mercenaries.
"Mon Dieu... Soldier vas right all along." Spy said shocked.
"Of course I was, maggots! Get ready, because we're sending them straight back to the scrapyard!" Soldier did his girly battle cry and smacked himself against his helmet with his shovel. Next he launched himself into the air by using his rocket launcher to gain some height advantage over the robots.
"BEEP. Unknown threat identified. Crush, Kill, Destroy! Maggot! BOOP." The Gray robot Soldier prepared to defend himself. But unfortunately, he was blown up by the real Soldier's barrage of rockets almost immediately.
"Dag-nabbit! Didn't think it'd get to this. Get ready boys!" Engineer was the next to jump into battle. He quickly placed a mini-sentry atop the metal bridge. It rapidly took down at least two robots before being blown up. Luckily Engineer still had his shotgun to back him up and shot another robot right in the chest. From its chest, a gold bar dropped with a magical aura surrounding it.
"Come mein freund. Let us rejoice ze old times." Medic said to Heavy.
"Da! Is coward killing time! YAAAHAHAA!" Heavy rushed inside the town and started revving his mini-gun while Medic was continuously over healing him. The feared Heavy-Medic combo was immediately able to mow down all of the remaining robots. Even without the use of an Uber-charge.
"Well zhat wasn't really hard." Spy complained since he had nothing to do.
"Ah don't think we're done yet pardner." Engineer pointed out the fact that the scraps of metal lingering around on the ground from the robot corpses suddenly 'magically' levitated in the air and slowly started flying back their separate bases. Gray and slightly less Gray.
"Hudda!" Pyro had no idea what was going on, but he liked it.
"Is this like their new version of the Respawn or what?" Scout asked.
"Ah’m afraid that might be the case. Not sure why though. Ain't nothing wrong with that thing. Ah know cause ah made it with mah own darn hands." Engineer stated.
"BLU Team?! What are you doing here?!" A voice suddenly shouted from the speakers.
"We're jus' here to talk Helen. Ain't nobody needs to get hurt." Engineer shouted, knowing that she could hear them.
"What! I'm going to strangle each and every one of th-!" Soldier barked but was interrupted by Engi.
"Shh! Shut yer pie-hole." Engineer replied angrily.
"I see. Just step forward into the Gray base and we'll have our little 'talk' hmm hmm hmm." The Announcer chuckled.
"It's a trap. Don't do it." Spy warned his team.
"You French idiot! That's exactly what they want you to think. If we're just going to stand still this place might blow up! We need to keep going." Soldier explained. "Just follow me maggots. I'll lead us to victory."
And so he stepped forward even though the BLU team tried to stop him. As they all tried to jump in front of him before entering the building, a giant trapdoor emerged beneath their feet.
"I hate you Soldier, sooooo much." Those were the last words Spy could master to speak before dropping down in a seemingly endless pit of doom alongside the rest of the BLUs.
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
Somewhere below Threefort. Some evil villain cave.
"Arise fools! Awake from your slumber and see the man that defeated ye all!" A voice woke up the blacked out BLU team who found themselves locked up in a steel cage.
"That voice! I'll never forget that annoying way of talking! MERASMUS YOU SISSY! Why didn't you pay the rent?!" Soldier barked.
"Silence! First the dishes, then the rent! You speak of too much materialistic matters! What is truly important is that I hold ye and yer 'magnificent' team captive here." Merasmus pointed out.
"I've never forgotten about me eye lad! I'll get ye for this!" Demoman shouted next. He didn't really like Merasmus the Magician.
"What's yer big evil plan then, pardner?" Engineer asked.
"Allow me to explain since you're going to die any minute now. That would be the least I could do." A second voice added.
"The Administator..." Also known as the Announcer or Helen. The group never liked this lady since she was always shouting at them. She even once forced Soldier to kill the RED Demoman after they became friends, which was ironic because that's what they were doing all along.
"Yes. How long has it been? Three, four years? The company had made quite a large profit ever since we switched to our current system. You see, the robots you've encountered are all build with Australium and powered by Merasmus's magic, allowing them to infinitely rebuild themselves without the use of our old flawed Respawn." The Administator said.
"Ain't nothin' wrong with that thing ma'am. Yer talkin' our yer ass right now." Engineer responded annoyed.
"My my, Dell. I never thought you for a cursing man. But realize your invention was flawed in many ways. It did in fact prolong your lives, but there was one extremely important fact. The Respawn merely recreated your bodies along with your memories. Your true selves have passed away decades ago. Each and every one of you are just recreated bodies with the memories of all of your former selves. Along with the RED who were clones of course. Or was it the BLU that were clones? I can't quite remember." The Administator replied.
"That stuff don't matter to me. Ya still took mah inventions and our craftable weapons away from us. Why couldn't ya just keep us around doing our thing? It don't make any sense, why would ya make some robots to fight each other instead?" Engineer wondered.
"Expenses Mr. Conagher. You were all too expensive to keep around for another year or so. It'd be easier to just pay you off rather to keep you bunch of misfits around to waste money by every moment you spend just idling around. The robots, weapons and ammo can all recreate themselves. And since they're robots, it's not considered violence so we can broadcast our battles worldwide and make even more money. Mwuahahahaha!" The Announcer started laughing maniacally. "Don't you all understand? This is the future! This is Team Fortress 3!"
"NOOOOOO!! NEVER!" Soldier begged. "They can't count to three!"
"STOP!" The entire dungeon was silenced as a deep voice echoed throughout the entire cave. It was Saxton Hale; CEO of Mann. Co., the manliest man in the world, a man who doesn't need upper-body wears for obvious reasons, the man responsible for the destruction of the moon. He was also a mustache enthusiast ever since he was a baby.
"Oh god... Not him!" Scout was pretty scared.
"What is this, Helen?! You told me the BLU team went off to live happily forever at a farm. So I assumed they were violently murdered in a badger attack. But now after hearing you speak, I knew that my first gut feeling was right! I shouldn't have trusted you when you said you wanted to relocate to the USA!" Saxton shouted.
"We had to keep relationships with the States at a reasonable level. They weren't happy when they found out you stole their entire supply of Australium." The Administrator replied.
"I don't care! This land does not have the same soul and spirit as good ol' Australia. It's all too mindless and mechanical. Just like these soulless robots! I don't care about the expenses. I just want to see some blood spilled!"
"What are you saying Saxton?..." The Administrator knew there was no stopping Saxton Hale.
"I want... JUSTICE! NNRRAAAAGH!" The shirtless Australian ripped open the steel cage with his bare hands. "GO BLU! Go do what your heart desires! You are always welcome at MY Mann. Co!"
"HOLY SHIT! LET'S GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!" Scout panicked.
"Thanks mustache! I'm going to beat the crap out of Merasmus." Soldier's intentions were clear.
"Aye that lad could be usin' a good beating." Demoman joined Soldier in his quest to beat up Merasmus.
"Yer help is much appreciated Mr. Hale. But ah gotta get mah inventions back. That's what ah’m here for." Engineer said.
"Hmm. The craftable weapons are right behind that door. The Respawn however, I can't give you that." Saxton replied.
"Why not?"
"Because I don't know where it is. But don't worry! I'll find it in due time and perhaps then we can all re-live the old days!"
"Ja, Zhat vould be wonderful." Medic grinned.
"Hudda!" Pyro knew this would mean he got more time to play.
"Alright. Scout, ya take this backpack and fill er up with the weapons next room. We'll deal with the Administrator and burn this place to the ground." Engineer said.
"Ha! I like your approach." Saxton seemed excited.
"Well zhen. Ms. Administrator. It is unfortunate it has to come to zhis." Spy said as he approached her while flicking his butterfly knife.
"You are all fools! You'd really think I'd come this far without being prepared? Merasmus! NOW! DO IT!" The Administator yelled.
Merasmus who was meanwhile receiving the beating of a lifetime by Soldier's shovel and Demoman's pan was glad to finally continue with their diabolical scheme. "It's about time!" He shouted.
"GAZE NOW UPON THIS BOOK, THE BOMBINOMICON! FOR YOU SHALL BE TRAPPED INSIDE IT FOREVER! YOUR WORST NIGHTMARES WILL BECOME REALITY AND YOU MAY NEVER ESCAPE FROM ITS WRETCHED AGONY!" Merasmus the Magician shouted while magically levitating the book in front of him, swinging around his staff for extra dramatic effect.
A swirling vortex appeared on the cover of the book, dragging the BLU members slowly towards it.
"OI! What the bloody hell is goin' on?!" Demoman shouted as he grabbed a door handle to prevent himself from being swallowed by this vortex.
"Another one of Merasmus's his magic tricks! Be prepared, we've already conquered it once. We'll do it again!" Soldier stated and jumped straight inside the portal.
"Oi, Solly ya crazy bastard. I ain't leaving him behind. I'll see ya later mates!" Sniper was the next one to jump in.
"Hey guys what's going on? W-WOAAAAH!" Scout who just returned with a fully packed backpack was thrown easily of his feet and dragged in next.
"What! You are resorting to magic now, Helen? You disappoint me!" Saxton Hale shouted. He was powerful enough not to be affected by force of the vortex. He watched the Administrator take cover in a different room. "Let us see where justice brings the BLU next. I'll help in my own separate way." He whispered.
"DAG-NABBIT! We'll be coming back for ya Merasmus." It was Engineer's turn.
The rest of the BLUs were all swallowed by the increasingly powerful vortex simultaneously, to save time probably. After they were all sucked in the book fell the ground. A minute long silence followed.
"What is this! This is NOT the Bombinomicon!" Merasmus was shocked.
"Hey! That's my My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic coloring book! I lost that weeks ago. Did you steal this from me?!" Saxton became furious.
"What? N-no I ju-" Merasmus was interrupted by a punch to the face.
"SAXTON PUNCH!" The Australian shouted as the launched the magician through the walls right at the location where the Administrator was hiding.
"Listen to me Helen, the time of machines is over! I'll make sure of that. The time of hard work and bloody knuckles is back! BRAAAAAAVE JUMP!" Saxton Hale launched himself through the roof followed by a massive explosion.
*WARNING WARNING. Fire detected in the vicinity. Activating self-defense protocol.*
"Wait a minute... That doesn't mean that the-" The Administrator was interrupted.
*Teleporting all back-up units to last location tagged by Merasmus's magic.*
"Oh great. Have a safety-protocol that does something as ridiculous as that. It'll be a good idea he said." The Administrator said as she started facepalming.
"FOOL! You did not complain whe-" Merasmus was now interrupted.
"Just stop talking. Words cannot express how much I hate you right now." The Administrator ended with a sigh.
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
Equestria. Quite a bit later.
Pinkie Pie was still determined to figure out what these 'aliens' were doing in the forest. Never in her life had she seen such weird looking creatures. The red eyes, metal bodies and steam coming out their ears were... interesting though. It wasn't long before she was able to find one of these strange visitors. Unfortunately, this one was quite big and scary looking. One does not simply laugh at a mechanical monstrosity.
"HEY YOU THERE! What do you think you're doing?! Pinkie Pie shouted as intimidating as possible. "You're not planning to take over Equestria right?"
"BEEP. Target acquired. Small furred creature. No possible threats detected. Disregard target. Crush bigger targets. BOOP." The behemoth robot responded and proceeded to continue further. It definitely had a different objective.
"Hey! Don't walk away from me! You haven't even told me your name." Pinkie stopped the metal-man.
"I am Heavy Weapons Bot. And this... is my weapon. She weighs 150 kilograms and fires 200 dollar custom-tooled cartridges at 10,000 rounds per minute." The robot paused for a second. "It cost 400,000 dollar to fire this weapon... for 12 seconds. BEEP BOOP."
"Woah! That's an interesting name. What does this 'weapon' do? Is it like my party-cannon? What's a dollar? What's a custom-tooled cartridge? Huh huh huh?" Pinkie Pie started asking questions at a alarmingly fast rate.
"I-uhh... Heavy Weapons Bot does not answer questi-" The robot replied confused but was interrupted.
"And what's with the metal suit? Was it Nightmare Night on your planet as well last night, huh? Is it a costume? And why are your eyes glowing red?" Pinkie just kept going and going.
"Does... not... compute. BEEP!"
*BOOM*
The robot spontaneously exploded next. This was strange, yes quite indeed. But not the strangest thing Pinkie had ever witnessed. She didn't think there was time to question this as she started hearing more distant explosions getting closer to her every second.
"Hmm. I have no idea what's going on anymore. That was definitely the strangest alien I've ever seen. I hope the rest aren't as weird as that." Pinkie sighed.
"FIRE FIRE! I AM ON FI-AR!" A person that was obviously lit on fire suddenly emerged from behind a tree. It was the BLU Soldier.
"Stand still, dummkopf!" Medic complained as he continued healing the damage done all his teammates.
"Oi! This place doesn't look like the last place Merasmas had sent us. Much more pretty colors and killer-robots!" Demoman stated.
"Yeah. We're lucky to have escaped from that army of Gray Pyros and Snipers. Pretty sure I even saw a Spycrab!" Scout said.
"Dag-nabbit! That darn Merasmus and Announcer. It's tr_walkway all over again!" Engineer said.
"CRUSH, KILL, DESTROY!" Multiple distant robotic voices could be heard echoing throughout the forest.
"OH SHIT MAN! THEY'RE COMING AGAIN! Quick! Let's hide behind that oversized piece of cotton-candy!" Scout shouted.
"Uhh... Hi?" The cotton-candy responded.
"... What?"
"Did zhat... pink 'thing' just talk?" Spy asked.
"Hey! Don't be so mean. I'm a pony you silly aliens. My name's Pinkie Pie!" Pinkie said.
"How... fascinating." Medic said.
"Ughhh... Prancin' show ponies. Don't care about em one bit." Sniper sighed.
"Oh... a talking pony. Now ah have seen everything." Engineer shrugged.
"Hudda?" Pyro was confused. At least he thought he was.
"It is so tiny!" Heavy said amazed.
"Does it... eat humans?" Scout wondered.
"CRUSH, BEEP, BOOP!" The robots were getting closer with every second they're wasting.
"OH GOD! They're almost here! You gotta help us man!" Scout begged the pony.
"Me? What do you want me to do?" Pinkie asked.
"Lead us to your closest town Private!" Soldier ordered the pink pony.
"Wouldn't that bring all those things you're talking about straight there? Oh! Are we throwing them a party?!" Pinkie chirped excitedly.
"Negatory Private. We need to establish headquarters and set up base camp to come up with a proper defense against the robot armies. Basically... we're going to take over your little town." Soldier grinned.
"Aww... I even told Twilight Sparkle something like that was going to happen." Pinkie sighed. "She isn't going to be happy about this."
"MAGGOT, I DO NOT CARE ONE STINKING BIT ABOUT YOUR SPARKLING TWILIGHTS. Now get going before the Spycrabs breach our defenses! GO GO GO!" Soldier barked.
"You don't have to yell... I'm sure you can learn a lot from Fluttershy. Come, follow me. La la la la laaa." Pinkie Pie started skipping off without a care in the world.
"Mmmpphh! Hudda!" Pyro appeared to having a pretty good time.
"Are you sure zhis is a good idea?" Spy whispered to Engineer. "Letting Soldier in command can prove to be rather... random."
"Nope. But ah don't got any other plans. Let's just go with the flow for now. We'll see what happens eventually. Besides, we got our guns to protect ourselves. What's the worst thing that could possibly happen?" Engineer ended the conversation as him and the rest of the BLU started following the pink pony.
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
Author's note; Okay, new story yay! Future chapters will not be as long as this one though.   
Might've gone a little overboard with this introduction. Much moar ponies in the next one don't worry!  
One more thing. This is a comedy and I'm intending to keep it that way.

//-------------------------------------------------------//
                   2. Dreams of Cruelty.                   
//-------------------------------------------------------//
2. Dreams of Cruelty.
Team Fortress 2. Equestria’s Robot Invasion  
Chapter 2. Dreams of Cruelty.
Twilight Sparkle’s Library.
A good hour has passed since Pinkie left with her crazy theories on aliens. How ridiculous. Twilight thought. Aliens in Equestria... Just the idea along was preposterous! But she wasn’t able to get any sleep after she was rudely awakened by her friend. Something was still bothering her.
And for good reasons. One of these diabolical visitors had already made a way inside her very own home. Little did Twilight know that there was some… ‘thing’ skulking around in the shadows.
“Spike? Spiiike!” Twilight started poking her number one assistant. “Wake up, sleepyhead.”
“Huh w-what?!” Now it was Spike that was rudely awakened from his sleep. All from belly full of candy from last night’s events. “Ughh, just like… another five minutes please Twilight.” He begged.
“No Spike! I need you to get up right away! We all promised to help clean up the town after Nightmare Night. We’ll need to at least get started before everypony wakes up.” Twilight replied, obviously annoyed at the baby dragon’s work attitude.
“Yeah sure.” Spike yawned. “Just five more minutes… I swear.” And with that, he fell back to sleep instantly.
“I’m going downstairs. I want you up and ready in ten minutes! D-do you even hear me?” Twilight asked. Unfortunately she didn’t get any response apart from Spike’s moaning and yawning.
Annoyed by Spike’s lazy attitude, she trotted downstairs. Maybe she’d have a cup of tea before leaving. As she reached the kitchen, she couldn’t help but notice a strange puff of smoke just hanging around there. Quite strange indeed. She hadn’t been baking anything. Twilight just ate a delicious hay-sandwich as her breakfast.
But things started even getting stranger as the puff of smoke slowly started taking a physical form. A tall being standing on its hind legs. It had red glowing eyes, was dressed in quite a fancy looking gray suit and ski-mask. Another strange thing that should be mentioned is that this being’s attire is entirely constructed out of metal, as was its body. So there was absolutely no point for this creature to smoke a cigarette. But it did anyways!
“BEEP.” The creature started making some awkward noises.
“E-excuse me?” Twilight said confused as she saw the being make its way slowly towards her. Its way of walking was almost hypnotizing. It walked as if it was a crab while staring at the ceiling and holding a strange black object in its right… claw? Those weren’t hooves, that’s for sure. Was this one of the aliens Pinkie was talking about earlier?
“BOOP.” The creature started spinning in circles.
“Okay…” It sure looked alien-like. Twilight thought. She wondered if it would be able to talk. If this creature wasn’t dangerous, they could’ve perhaps discovered an entirely new species that came from outside Equestria. Fascinating, yet worrying due to the fact she knows absolutely nothing about these weird mechanical aliens. Perhaps the best course of action would be to leave it here and immediately get some of her friends in case things get out of hoof. But she couldn’t just leave young Spike here all alone. He was still upstairs sleeping in his little basket. First she had to make sure these ‘things’ weren’t dangerous. If she had only believed Pinkie earlier this morning, things wouldn’t be so complicated right now. Luckily these creatures didn’t seem to be too intelligent. It just kept circling and occasionally ran into walls. Unfortunately, the smoke it produced was quite bothersome. It took mere moments to fill up Twilight’s entire library.
“Could you please stop doing that?” Twilight asked the creature as she coughed. She didn’t know if it was able to understand her, but she could at least try.
“No.” He replied in a fancy robotic voice.
Just this gave Twilight more than enough information. She found out that it was a he. He was able to understand the ponies’ language, able to speak. And most importantly… that he was rude. But still it didn’t look particularly dangerous, even though it was twice as large as Twilight. Even in his crab-pose.
“Would you mind staying here for a while? I’ll just get some of my friends and I’ll be back in just a few minutes.” Twilight asked.
“I zhink not! BOOP.” He replied and quickly blocked the front door.
“W-what do you want exactly?” Twilight wondered.
“Ze world, my little flower. Just ze world.” He started chuckling.
“S-Spiiike! Wake up please!” Twilight shouted as she started panicking slightly. No response…
*THUMP*
What was that?! The noise came from the door leading upstairs. Oh no… What if there was more? What if they already had gotten Spike? Twilight Sparkle didn’t know how she would react if something were to happen with him.
*THUMP*
With this second loud bang, the door started shattering. A large axe could be seen repeatedly striking at the wooden door. At this moment the mechanical invader started backing out slightly and took a more defensive stance.
*THUMP*
A final strike cut a clear hole through the door. A terrifying looking masked being took a peek inside The Shining-style.
“Mwahahahaaa!” Just a diabolic muffled laugh could be heard.
By Celestia! Twilight was straight up scared at this point. The crab-like robot alien, that she could easily deal with. That one didn’t look like it would cause too much trouble apart from his rudeness and mad crab-walking skills. But this… thing. This devilish creature that just destroyed her door looked as if it emerged straight from the fiery pits of Tartarus itself. But Twilight wouldn’t just give up. That’d be too easy. No matter what this newcomer brings, she could take it!
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
Earlier. BLU Team and Pinkie Pie.
“Hudda!” Pyro skipped around happily, the rest of the BLU not so much. Some of their brains were still processing the fact that they were in a colorful land inhabited with pink talking ponies. Well, all of this randomness while also being pursued by the evil Gray robots of Threefort. Sure, the BLUs had gone through some wacky adventures. Fighting a giant floating eyeball, for example, or the Horseless Headless Horseman. Robots? Yeah, that would be probable eventually. But in a land this pink pony seemed to call ‘Equestria?’ Nope. Dear lord, horse puns… Of course there are going to be horse puns.
“So what’s this town of yers called lass?” Demoman asked Pinkie Pie.
“Oh. Haven’t you heard? It’s Ponyville! The happiest place in all of Equestria!” She replied.
Demoman sighed. “Oi Heavy! Where’s that bloody vodka!” He bellowed.
“You already have it. But little man should not keep drinking. Heavy once drank that much. Woke up next to bear next morning. Not good times at all.” The Russian replied.
“Ye don’t tell me what to do lad! I can bloody handle me drinks just as I did years ago!” The Scotsman continued to chug down the remaining bottle of vodka. Luckily there was at least seven more of them in his backpack. He just checked to make sure.
“Nngh.” Heavy just grunted in response. “I do not understand. Why do we not go and crush tiny metal men? Why do we run like cowards?” He asked the group. “Sasha… She hungers.”
“Let me explain this as simple as ah possibly can, big guy. Imagine we’re playing control points like we did in the past. And those darn REDs have us pushed all the way back to our last point. That’s how the situation is right now, apart from the fact that we’re heavily outnumbered, and don’t even have a final point. That’s something that ah can agree on with Solly. We need to establish a base somewhere before things get ugly. Do ya understand?” Engineer explained to the Russian. The group was already lucky enough to escape the robots the first time. They seem to have lost their pursuers, for now at least.
“Da. Engineer is smart. Heavy will trust old friend. But Sasha… I worry for her.” Heavy replied.
“You and yer gun will have more than enough time to screw around later. Let’s at least try not to scare the locals this time alright? Engineer said.
“LAND AHOOOOY MATES!” Demoman suddenly shouted as the town of Ponyville was within their sight.
“GO GO GO, MOVE OUT!” Soldier ordered his team.
“Uhmm… What are you guys planning exactly?” Pinkie wondered. She knew these aliens that call themselves ‘humans’ were strange. But surely they can’t be dangerous, can they? But it must be frightening to some young ponies if some giant alien suddenly jumps in right in their faces.
Pinkie might be random, but she was smart enough to realize that having a talk with her friends first would be much better than revealing the BLUs to the rest of town right away. Luckily, it was still early in the morning and there was barely anypony around at this time. Hopefully, the humans wouldn’t be noisy.
“ALRIGHT MAGGOTS! Secure the perimeter! I want two level 3 Sentry-Guns guarding the entrance before these piles of scrap metal arrive!” Soldier shouted.
“Need a dispenser here. Need a dispenser here. Need a dispenser here.” Scout mentioned tactfully.
“Alrighty then!” Engineer did as told and started building the mentioned things from scratch using just some metal and his wrench.
“Mmmpph…” Pyro’s Pyro sense started tingling. A presence he was extremely familiar with was close. Very close. The best course of action he could possibly think off is just to check it out quickly. So he went off on his own, further inside the colorful town of Ponyville.
“H-hey! Wait up! I can’t have you guys running all around. Just wait here for a while until my friends get here.” Pinkie shouted at Pyro. Unfortunately she didn’t get any response from the mysterious BLU mercenary.
“Leave him Private. He’s just doing his duty.” Soldier barked at the pink pony.
“Aww… But I can’t just let him scare anypony. I’m keeping an eye on him. Will you guys be fine here?” Pinkie turned towards Heavy. For some reason she thought him to be their leader. Most likely because he’s the largest member of the group. “My friends will be here any minute to clean up the town. I’m sure they can help you guys out.”
“Do not worry tiny little pony. We are the BLU. We are professionals.” Heavy stated.
“Phew, that’s a load off my shoulders knowing that you’re all professionals! I’ll just leave you guys to do your thing for now and then I’ll be back as soon as I can alright? Just keep the volume down a bit. It’s still pretty early.” Pinkie replied.
“Yeah sure, we can handle things here. No problem!” Scout replied and waved the pink pony off. Her only goal right now was to keep the group of humans together, including Pyro. So she went off to retrieve him as the strange incomprehensible lunatic went off on his own. Pinkie Pie, unfortunately, also had no idea yet of what was going through Pyro’s mind.
“So… Anyone else confused as hell at the whole talking pony thing? You guys do realize we’re in the middle of their town right now… right? I mean..what if they’re hostile?” Scout stated.
“Mon Dieu… You’re not telling me that you’re actually afraid of zhese small creatures?” Spy asked as he was face palming.
“I agree with Scout. Their heads are too bloody big. It ain’t natural.” Sniper added.
“Ah understand your concerns, pardners. Y’all got to realize that it’s still Merasmus that sent us here. Who knows what crazy world this is? But our main focus should be those darn robots right now. We got to use this place to secure a safety zone for us. If that means we got to befriend some ponies, so be it. There ain’t no respawn guys, so there’s no easy way out of this.” Engineer said as he finished building the two sentry-guns at Ponyville’s entrance.
“I’m going for higher ground to overlook the situation. You maggots defend this position while I’m gone!” Soldier barked as he used his rocket launcher to leap to greater heights.
“Didn’t ze pink one said zhat her friends were on their way here? Oh, I’m most curious to see vhat we’ll encounter next.” Medic chuckled.
Rainbow Dash and Applejack. Slightly further ahead.
“Ah still can’t believe ya got up in time for the big cleanup, RD.” Applejack said to her friend.
“Pfft, I barely slept anyway. Me and Pinkie might’ve gone a little overboard with pranking last night. But it was so awesome!” Rainbow Dash replied.
“Talk of the devil. Look who’s there!” Applejack said as she saw Pinkie Pie rush towards them with incredible speed.
“Hey Pinkie! You still remember last night when we d-” Rainbow Dash was interrupted.
“Canttalkrightnowalienisontheloosemoreintownbye!” Pinkie Pie said even faster as she was running. She was already gone before both ponies could blink.
“D-did she just say… aliens in town?” Applejack asked slightly concerned.
“Pfft, It’s just another prank obviously. Let’s go check it out!” Rainbow Dash was pretty excited.
Nothing could prepare the ponies for what they would witness next. Amazed? Confused? That wouldn’t even be able to begin to describe how the ponies were feeling right now.
“W-what the hay are those things?” Applejack said shocked by what she was seeing.
“I-I have no idea.” Rainbow Dash replied.
“Schnell! Raus! Raus!” Medic shouted. “It vould appear that ze ponies have arrived. One even has a little hat! How amusing.”
“NOM NOM NOM. That was delicious!” Heavy said as he was chowing down on his Sandvich. He wasn’t really interested in meeting more ponies at the moment.
“Woah woah. The blue one over there… She looks mean and scary don’t ya think?” Scout asked.
“Really? Look at me! I’m Scout! Rainbows make me cry!” Spy mimicked Scout simply to annoy him.
“Shut up man! I’m not talking about the rainbows. That little horse actually has wings! I once fought with a goose… and those things can pack a mean punch. I was under the impression that ponies are even stronger than geese, so be on your guard!” Scout explained.
“That’s right! I’ll take all you guys on right now, bring it!” Rainbow Dash bragged.
“Oh really?! You’re being arrogant now ya little brat! Do you have any idea who I am? Any idea?” Scout replied annoyed.
“No… but do you have any idea who I am!”
Scout didn’t reply but just rolled his eyes instead.
“That’s right! Rainbow Dash! Fastest flyer in Equestria.”
“Scout. Fastest man you’ll ever see. Faster than you, that’s for sure.”
“Is that a challenge? You want to put that to the test? Huh, punk!”
“Bring it! I’ll wipe the fl-“ Scout was interrupted by a slap on the head.
“Dag-nabbit Scout! We’ve got bigger things to worry about then yer little back and forth with the blue pony. That ain’t no way to act as a guest here.” Engineer was the one slapping Scout.
“Uhh… Yeah! You too Rainbow Dash!” Applejack gave the blue Pegasus a slap to the face.
“Ouch! What was that for?!” Rainbow Dash complained.
“Because yer startling our guests.” Applejack replied.
“Oh what, so they’re guests now?”
“Ah guess so if they’re nice fellas.”
“What?! You can’t be serious! Let’s just go to Twilight. Ask her to write a letter to the Princess and get these freaky aliens to the moon already.” Rainbow Dash said.
“Rainbow Dash! Ah thought you’d at least know that around here we treat everypony as an equal. What’s yer name then pardner?” Applejack asked the hard-hatted human.
“Dell Conager. But ya can call me Engineer, much easier. Yer little friend uhh… Pinkie Pie brought us to yer little town here.” Engineer answered.
“Ya see, Rainbow Dash? Pinkie brought them here. If these guys were dangerous, she wouldn’t just lead them straight to Ponyville. The name’s Applejack! It’s a pleasure meeting y’all Engineer.” Applejack said while raising her hoof.
“Uhh…” Engineer shook the hoof awkwardly. “There’s one small detail ah might’ve left out though. There are vicious-killer robots, hundreds of em! Right outside town in that scary lookin’ forest.”
“R-robots? You see AJ. These guys are nuts!” Rainbow Dash said.
“Uhh. Ah don’t think they’re lying. Ya know… being the Element of Honesty an’ all.” Applejack said. She became slightly worried though. If there were strange aliens inside her town, then why wouldn’t there be dangerous robots in the Everfree Forest? “Which one of y’all is in charge here? Ah got some questions.” She asked.
All the BLUs faces turned towards Engineer. Out of all the mercenaries he was by far the most capable of such a task.
"Nope. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gvdf5n-zI14&feature=player_detailpage)” He responded. His neck seemed to just get longer just by a little as he smacked his wrench into his hand. “Ah know exactly what’s going to happen when ah take charge around here. Something will go horribly wrong and everyone will blame it on me. Not gonna happen this time. Soldier’s the one in charge, if ya got anything to ask or complain, go to him.”
“Fine. Then where is this Soldier?” Applejack asked.
“He’s gone flying.”
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
Town hall. Soldier.
Soldier had been leaping from roof to roof exploring the town. It was amazing how no pony had been woken up already by the incredibly loud noises produced from his rocket launcher. It must’ve been one hell of a Nightmare Night. He took place on the largest building in town, which happened to be the Town Hall. Soldier used his hands as binoculars. After a few minutes of scanning the area, he had acquired a target. In the distance he could faintly see a few small red lights. Two must’ve belonged to a robot’s eyes and the third… Oh no! It’s a Sniper-bot. The third red dot was the Robo-Sniper’s rifle zooming in.
Unfortunately that robot picked a wrong day to snipe. He was located on a roof of some ponies house. It didn’t matter. They’ll never know.
“SCREAMIN’ EAGLES!” Soldier shouted at the top of his lungs as he launched himself extremely high in the air. This gave him enough time to equip the ‘Market Gardener’. A shovel which damage would only increase if used while rocket-jumping. Thankfully the rocket launched him in the right direction and Soldier was heading straight for the robot. The Sniper-bot, who was completely oblivious to his surroundings, just remained motionless on the roof. Unfortunately, he never saw it coming.
*BOOM*
Soldier managed to blow up the robot with a single hit of his shovel. But the explosion created had caused the roof of the building that he landed on to collapse. Soldier fell along with the metal scraps that remained of the robot inside of the house.
Soldier coughed up some dust but immediately got back on his feet. There might still be more robots lurking around. More for Solly to destroy. He waited years for this chance. Years of living in a dumpster might’ve slightly affected his mind. But he was far from crazy. He actually considered himself a tactical genius in the same league as Sun-Tzu.
“W-who’s up there? Watch out, I know Karate!” A voice shouted from downstairs.
“Good lord, civvies!” Soldier panicked. No wait! He can handle this, no problem. A man of his stature surely can’t screw up something as basic and simple as this. “You can come up ma’am! There’s absolutely nothing going on in here.”
Soldier stood ready with his shovel equipped in case things would get ugly. This was not just a regular civilian. This was a pony for god’s sake. The BLU leader wasn’t sure what to think of their capabilities.
“OH MY CELESTIA! What happened to my roof?” The pony was shocked to say the least.
“OH MY GOD! What happened to your eyes?” Soldier was equally shocked.
“AH! What the hay are you?!”
“Aaah!” Soldier screamed. Wait a minute, this was not how he figured this situation would turn out. Time for some ridiculously complicated plan to win this pony’s trust.
“Alright… I’m not here to hurt you. What’s your name Private?” He asked.
“D-derpy…” The cross-eyed Pegasus responded quietly. “And you?”
“Jane Doe to my old war buddies in Europe. You however, as a civilian, will address me as Soldier and nothing else! Do you understand that?” He barked.
“Y-yes sir, Soldier, sir!” Derpy answered.
“Good. Now let me explain the situation to you. You see these metal scraps just lying around here?”
“Yes. What’s with them?”
“Those are robot remains! Me and my team have been sent here by that damn sissy Merasmus along with the robots that are currently employed by the Mann Co. We’re here to get rid of those metal bastards once and for all!”
“Wow. I have no idea what you’re talking about, but it sounds really dangerous.”
“Uh-huh.” Soldier nodded. “That’s why you little civvies need to be able to protect yourselves against this threat. I’ve done this before with a young girl in Poland, I’m sure this won’t be any different. Take this!”
“What’s this?” Derpy asked as she was handed a unfamiliar object.
“It’s a Shotgun Private.”
“A Shot-what?” Derpy said confused.
“SHOTGUN! You use it to blow those damn robots to bits!” Soldier explained.
“Oh… That sounds scary. I’m not sure if I like that. And how am I even supposed to hold this?” Derpy answered as she continued to inspect the ‘gun’ she had never heard of before.
“Don’t worry, Private. No one has ever died from using a shotgun, I'm sure. Let me explain how it works. That right there is the barrel. That’s where the projectiles come out. It fires bullets. You’re able to continue shooting these by reloading. Just put in some new rounds right over… there! To fire these rounds, you just need to pull the trigger. That’s the little thing located at t-” Soldier was suddenly interrupted.
*BOOM*
Derpy was shocked by the loud noise this weapon produced. Unfortunately, it went completely silent afterwards.
“… Are you alright, Mr. Soldier?” She asked the BLU leader who was now crawling on the floor.
“M-Medic!”
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
Pyro. Somewhere in town. Earlier.
Pyro liked this strange world. Why the hell not? It was all sunshine and bright colors, anyway. At least that’s how he perceived things. Pyro’s mind worked in mysterious ways. No one could explain it, not even he could. But years of fighting for the BLU have taught him one thing. Be wary of spies, and there was one extremely close according to his Pyro sense. But this wasn’t any normal Spy. The aura it produced reminded Pyro of an endangered species which the REDs have ultimately exterminated: The Spycrabs.
But it seems they have returned. Now, in an even more deadly robotic form. Who else but Pyro could stop these extremely diabolical beings? Most likely anyone else to be honest. Spycrabs weren’t dangerous, just reaaaaally annoying.
Pyro was armed with his Degreaser, Flare Gun and trusty Axtinguisher; a deadly combination that could simply incinerate and pulverize any mechanical being with great speed.
“Hmm hmm hmm.” Pyro chuckled evilly. He arrived at the location where he guessed the Spycrab would be. It was a large house in the shape of a tree. No wait… It actually was a tree. That was cool, sure. But Pyro could not for the life of him figure out how this strange door would work.
“MMMPPH!” He complained. The door had won this battle. But Pyro would come back for his revenge. He swore of that. Anyway, he proceeded to look for a different entrance. A small balcony caught his attention.
“Hudda!” He climbed up and broke through the window. Inside the tree, there were even more bright colors! A miniature sized bed along with more tiny furniture, this must be the bedroom. But no Spycrabs around, by the looks of it.
Suddenly Pyro heard a distress call coming from downstairs. It sounded feminine. Someone must be in a dangerous situation. Pyro might as well check it out since he can’t find the Spy.
“Mmpph… Hudda hu-“ Pyro was interrupted as he tripped over an oversized basket.
“MMPPH! MMMRAAAGH!” This enraged Pyro obviously. He continued the best course of action which would be to completely burn this basket to the ground.
“MWAHAHAHAA!” Pyro raised his Flamethrower to celebrate his well-earned victory. Pyro 1 – Basket 0. He continued down the stairs to see what this this shouting woman’s deal was.
Meanwhile at the incinerated basket.
Some awkward lazy noises emerged from beneath the ashes of the completely burned basket. It was Spike! Luckily he was able to survive Pyro’s flames, being a dragon and all. But he had no idea what was going on as he had just woke up.
“W-woah. Oh Celestia, not again! I must’ve sneezed in my sleep. Oh no… Oh no… Twilight can’t find out about this! I… I have to get rid of the evidence.” Spike said to himself as he noticed his own bed completely reduced to nothing but ashes. He quickly collected a broom, swiped the ashes together, and dumped them in a garbage bag. He was still slightly panicking and knew that just this wouldn’t be enough. He took the garbage bag with him outside, through the window upstairs where he planned to hide the ‘remains’ somewhere on a branch of this enormous tree. He he he… No one will ever find out. He somehow completely missed the fact that the windows had been broken.
“Hey Spike! Whatcha doing?” A high-pitched voice asked from behind him. A pink pony spontaneously appeared behind him.
“Oh, you know. Just… hanging out.” Spike answered casually. “Wait. What are you doing then Pinkie?”
“Just looking for aliens, why?” Pinkie answered. “Have you seen any?”
“Ughh Pinkie. I’m pretty sure aliens don’t exist. Anyway, can you keep Twilight busy for a moment while I take care of some… business?” Spike winked.
“Uhh… Okay?” Pinkie answered. “I guess I can ask her again to help me find that strange guy.” She leaped through the window where she did actually manage to notice the broken shards lying around. Something’s not right here.
Back at Pyro.
“Hmm hmm. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HdXzlV-t8dw&feature=player_detailpage)” Pyro chuckled diabolically. He paced himself down the stairs slowly. Step by step he kept tightening the grip on his Axtinguisher. Unsure of what he would encounter next in this magical tree.
Eventually the BLU mercenary reached the bottom floor where he was greeted by another one of these complicated doors which Pyro just couldn’t figure out.
“Mmmph!” He said angrily as he used his axe to clear a path. It was quite a sturdy door so it required a few hits. After a while he managed to cut a clear hole through the door and peaked inside the room. There he noticed a purple unicorn along with a Gray Spycrab.
“Mwahahahaaa!” Pyro laughed maniacally. He proceeded to give the wooden door one final smack which caused it to completely crumble to pieces.
“Mon dieu! BEEP.” The Spycrab said shocked.
Twilight Sparkle, meanwhile, did the most sensible thing she could currently think of in a situation when there are two aliens running loose inside her house. Hide. She hid herself behind the kitchen counter and hoped that these two creatures would just leave after finishing whatever it is they were doing.
“Just lay your weapons down and walk away!” The Spycrab warned Pyro.
“Mmmpphh.” Pyro barely responded and slowly made his way towards his target. He dragged the fire-axe behind him which left quite a large scratch on Twilight’s floor. The sound it produced came straight from a horror film.
Then the slaughtering began. Pyro continued chuckling like a madman while repeatedly striking the robot with his axe. In all of her years, Twilight had never seen such a violent act. And now… right inside her library.
“Mwahahahaa!” Pyro cheered victorious after decapitating his foe, he held up his head high as a trophy.
“Oh no… Did that thing just kill the other mechanical alien?” Twilight whispered to herself, worried at what just occurred.
“Oh dear. It vould I appear I made quite a mess.” The head of the Spycrab said looking down at his body that was completely demolished.
“Oh good. It’s still alive. I figured mechanical beings would’ve been more resilient.” Twilight thought. At least knowing that nopony died in her library was comforting.
“No wait! Vhat are you doing monsieur? Stop zhis madness!” The Spycrab’s head was placed atop the counter Twilight was hiding behind.
“NOOOOO! BOOP.” Those were the last words uttered by the Spycrab that infiltrated Twilight’s library. A sea of flames completely engulfed the counter and appeared above Twilight’s head. She was too frightened to actually look up with this scary-looking alien with his terrifying muffled laugh so close next to her. Whatever this thing was… It was dangerous.
“Ah-hah! I found you!” Pinkie Pie was the next to crash through the door. “You didn’t think I’d just leave you roaming around on your own did you now?”
“Pinkie! Run before it gets you as well!” Twilight shouted hoping to warn her friend in time. Unfortunately this did give away her location.
“Mmmpph?” Pyro said to Pinkie.
“Haha! You silly filly! Pyro’s just here to play. He wouldn’t even hurt a fly, would you?” Pinkie asked.
“Mmpph! Hudda!”
“What he just did. T-That didn’t really look like playing…” Twilight pointed out.
“Hudda hud. Mmmph.” Pyro said.
“He said that he’s sorry if he scared you. It’s part of the job or something. He just wanted to make some friends.” Pinkie turned to Twilight.
“Pinkie… You can understand that… thing?” Twilight questioned.
“Of course I can! Can’t you? You just have to listen veeeery closely.” Pinkie explained.
“Hudda!” Pyro cheered excitedly.
“Wait… I have no idea what’s going on anymore. Can you explain this to me from the beginning?” Twilight asked.
One explanation later.
“So… There’s aliens AND alien robots? And basically the aliens that are ‘human’ are supposed to be the good guys?” The purple unicorn was getting more confused by the second.
“Uh-huh. That’s what I think, at least. I actually have no idea what’s going on as well!” Pinkie giggled.
“Okay… Then how many of these humans and robots are out there?“ Twilight asked.
“Hmm. There aren’t that many humans. I think there’s only about nine including Pyro here. But they said there’s at least hundreds of robots!” Pinkie answered.
“Then… where are they exactly?”
“Robots should be in the Everfree Forest. I left the humans at the Town’s entrance.”
“… You’re saying that you’ve led eight more of … these guys.” Twilight pointed at Pyro. “Straight into Ponyville? Do you have any idea how irresponsible that is, Pinkie?”
“Hey! It’s not my fault! I asked you for your help earlier but you didn’t believe me. Bad Twilight! Besides, I had no idea what else I could’ve done. I couldn’t just leave all alone them in the forest. And don't worry! They've said that they're professionals!” Pinkie replied.
“Professional what…? Anyway, I’m sorry that I didn’t believe you Pinkie. But after last night’s prank how could you expect otherwise? I just hope nothing will go wron-” Twilight was interrupted.
*KNOCK KNOCK*
It was the front door. Twilight quickly trotted wondering who it could be. She was pleasantly surprised that it was Applejack and not another random alien.
“Oh hey Applejack. I’m sorry that I’m late but some things have ha-” Twilight was again interrupted.
“Ah ain’t got time for that right now! We got some major problems on our hooves. Everything that could possibly go wrong just went wrong!” Applejack said as she was still recovering from the sprint she just took towards Twilight’s library.
“Calm down Applejack. Tell me what happened.”
“Ah see you already met one of the aliens.” Applejack could see Pyro inside the library having a cup of tea along with Pinkie Pie. “The rest of em in town ain’t doing as well as that fella right there!”
“What exactly happened?”
“First we heard from Derpy that she apparently ‘shot’ one in the stomach. After that another one drank himself into a coma. That’s already two that need to get to the infirmary as soon as possible! When all that was happening Rainbow Dash kidnapped one of them for Celestia knows what! Some of them are extremely mad for what happened and refuse to cooperate. They jus’ keep complaining all the time. An’ there’s this one big guy that just won’t stop singing with this strange alien accent. AND THEY KEEP TRYIN’ TO STEAL MAH DARN HAT! Ah just have no idea what to do anymore Twilight! Ah can’t do this on my own, ya got to help me!” Applejack begged.
Twilight sighed. She knew she would shine in chaotic situations. She knew she had to be the one to solve this. Should she inform the princess? Or keep it a secret and handle this herself? Unfortunately there wasn’t any time for that right now. Just an hour max and ponies would start waking up. It wouldn’t be pretty if they just walked out their door and are immediately confronted by one of these strange visitors. Twilight Sparkle had to gather these nine ‘humans’ and make sure the injured ones would get proper treatment. And Rainbow Dash… Really? You can’t just go around kidnapping everypony you don’t like.
Anyway. This had to be solved properly! And Twilight Sparkle was the right pony for the job!
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

//-------------------------------------------------------//
                  3. Riding the Rainbow.                   
//-------------------------------------------------------//
3. Riding the Rainbow.
Team Fortress 2. Equestria's Robot Invasion.  
Chapter 3. Riding the Rainbow.
Twilight Sparkle had now finally understood the situation. Aliens were in Equestria and they were causing quite a mess. She wasn’t really certain if Equestria was really in any danger as these robots did not look like much of a real threat. But it was best not to underestimate things. If anything, she thought that these ‘humans’ might be more of a danger to the ponies. At least from what she had seen from Pyro’s actions. But Pinkie said that he was a nice guy, so she would trust her one of her best friend’s judgment for now. After a while, she along with Pyro, Pinkie Pie, and Applejack finally reached the town´s entrance where the BLUs were still hanging out. Ponies were already waking up. It was just a matter of time before they would notice the town’s strange visitors.
“I-Immea gonna be… Why? Wha-?” Demoman was lying on the ground, completely wasted. He never stopped drinking for even a moment ever since they had arrived in Equestria. And even before that he was already drinking a lot.
“Oh my. Yer friend doesn’t look too good…” Applejack said to Engineer.
“Nah, he’s fine. Ain’t the first time he drank himself nearly to death.” He responded.
“I still think he needs proper treatment. He doesn’t look fine at all. And we can’t just leave him lying here on the dirt.” Twilight said. She was pleasantly surprised the other humans were not masked like Pyro was. They kind of looked like talking monkey-dragons wearing hats to her.
“Ah!” Engineer got startled by Twilight’s sudden appearance. “I see ya brought a little unicorn Applejack. So yer the leader of these ponies or something?” He asked the purple unicorn.
“No… What makes you think I’m the leader? Anyway, my name’s Twilight Sparkle.” She replied.
“Nice to meet ya Twilight. I’m Engineer. Ah ain’t the leader either.”
“Didn’t you have another injured… human?” Twilight asked.
“Yeah. Ah heard some pony shot Solly in the guts. Medic an’ Heavy went to check it out though, they’ll meet up with us again here afterwards.” Engineer answered. “And some blue flyin’ pony kidnapped Scout for some reason.”
“Yeah… I’ll have to look into that. But if you think this ‘Medic and Heavy’ can handle your other friend’s injury, fine. But I can’t leave this poor human laying here. I propose we all go to Fluttershy’s cottage so we can properly talk about what is going on exactly. I’m sure Fluttershy can take care of your friend, and I would like to ask you all some questions if that’s alright?” Twilight asked.
“Huuuuhhhh… I-I love ye lass!” The drunk Demoman sang.
“Ah don’t know ma’am. Ah don’t know if Applejack told ya, but there’s more than hundreds of murderous robots right there cowering in the forest. Ah understand this might all be a bit complicated to explain to yer townsfolk that us aliens invaded yer little town, but ya got to realize that these robots are yer biggest threat right now. If they breach our defenses… who knows what’ll happen?” Engineer spoke dramatically.
“What hundreds of robots? I’ve only seen one and that one didn’t look dangerous at all!” Twilight replied, clearly annoyed.
“Mmpphh.” Pyro added.
“He said it was a… Spycrab?” Pinkie translated for him.
“SPAH CRABS?! DAG-NABBIT! Why didn’t ya told me that earlier! Where did ya encounter these?” Engineer asked worried.
“Uhmm… In my library. But it was just one.” Twilight answered.
“Hmm. That can’t be right. Spy-crabs always travel in packs. There must be more around here. Spy ‘round here guys!” Engineer shouted.
“OI, THERE HE IS! I SAW SOMETHING! BOMBS AWAY!” Sniper shouted as he threw his Jarate at where he guessed this Spycrab to be.
“Mmpph?” Pyro was pretty confused.
“Mon… Dieu…” An extremely annoyed voice answered and started uncloaking.
“AH SEE HIM!” Engineer started whacking his target with his wrench.
“MON DIEU!!! YOU IMCOMPETENT FOOLS! It’s me!” The pissed off BLU Spy finally completely revealed himself, now covered in urine and bruises.
“Oh… What the hell where ya doing cloaking around here for? You know ya shouldn’t do that!” Engineer said.
“Were they this weird before?” Twilight asked Applejack. These guys were so… random. She didn’t really know what to think of them just yet. They seemed friendly, for now at least.
“Ya haven’t even seen the big singing guy and the scary looking one yet.” Applejack explained.
Engineer and Spy were meanwhile still arguing. Sniper was obviously already filling a new jar.
“Because unlike you imbeciles, I actually bothered to scout ze area and collect information regarding our enemy.” Spy said.
“Well? Did ya find anything useful then?” Engineer asked.
“Indeed. Ze robots started retreating as the sun was fully raised. They seem to be bothered by… sunlight, so they cower in ze shadows of zhis dark forest.” Spy explained.
“So they’re retreating?”
“Oui.”
“Good. Ya heard it, ma’am. Robots are gone for the moment. We’ll figure out later why exactly they’re afraid of the sun. Ah got two sentries set up at yer town’s entrance. No roaming individual robot will be able to pass that. When they attack as a group however… Ah don’t know how long it’ll hold. But we’ll improve our defenses later. Ah guess we have some time to spare now to answer yer questions.” Engineer said to Twilight.
“Sentries? Are you sure those things won’t hurt anypony?” She asked.
“Nah. Ah configured them to only fire at mechanical threats. So unless ya got any dangerous robot-ponies around here, you’re all fine.” Engineer explained.
“Good. Still I’d like to keep your little group together to prevent any awkward situations with the civilians of Ponyville. And since this one needs immediate treatment, I propose you take him along with the rest of your group and head to Fluttershy’s cottage. Applejack and Pinkie Pie will take you there.” Twilight said.
“Then where are you going Twilight?” Pinkie asked.
“There’s still four of them running around! I can’t have something like that happening right at this time. First I need to make sure that the one at Derpy’s house is still fine along with the other two humans that went to check it out. After that I need to figure out where Rainbow Dash is keeping the last one.” Twilight explained her plan.
“She can keep that boy for a while, we don’t mind. It’s been much more relaxing around here without him pushing me to build dispensers or teleporters all day long. And that’s quite a lot yer planning to do on all on your own. Ya sure you don’t need any help from one of our members?” Engineer asked.
“I don’t know…” Twilight replied. She was still kind of freaked out by Pyro’s earlier actions. Clearly these humans come from a world where violence was tolerated to some degree, or something like that, she thought. And even though they proclaimed to be a team, they were still awfully rude among each other.
“Come on! Nothing to be scared about, ma’am. Ah can’t go mahself because of all the constructions ah made of course. And Demoman here ain’t going nowhere. That limits ya to Pyro, Sniper and Spy at the moment.”
“Hmm.” Twilight stepped closer to inspect these humans. Pyro was already not an option. At least not right now. She took a good look at the BLU Spy. He greatly resembled the robot-Spycrab she encountered before. Apart from the fact that he was made from flesh and bones rather than metal and bolts, obviously. But he was still chain-smoking and a strange smell lingered around him. Was that… Oh dear Celestia! Nope, this guy wasn’t an option as well.
Only the BLU Sniper remained now. If anything, he reminded her of a grumpy old looking man. His face was longer than the rest of the humans and he wore glasses. Twilight hadn’t heard this individual say much yet, so she had no idea how he was like. Hopefully his mood wouldn’t reflect his appearance and he wass actually a jolly good fella!
“Uhh, sure. I could use some help. I guess… him?” Twilight pointed at Sniper.
“Fine choice ma’am. You heard her Sniper! Get going. We’ll regroup later today at this cottage the ponies have been talkin’ about.” Engineer ordered Sniper even though he wasn’t the one in charge.
“Bloody plodding’ potato-heads…” Sniper mumbled silently.
“What was that?” Twilight didn’t quite catch that.
“Crikey, ya ponies got good ears! Fine, I’ll come with you, mate. Let’s just get this bloody over with.” Sniper replied annoyed.
“Fine. Then we’re off to Derpy. We’ll meet up with you guys again once we’ve gathered every human. Applejack, you can take care of this, right?” Twilight asked her friend.
“Yeah, thanks for yer help Twi. It’s much appreciated.” Applejack replied. Surely along with Pinkie Pie, she could manage to lead Pyro, Engineer, Spy, and a drunken Demoman to Fluttershy’s cottage. Both ponies just hoped that the humans wouldn’t scare the easily frightened Pegasus.
So they split up in to two groups. Applejack’s group would travel to Fluttershy’s cottage to ensure Demoman’s wellbeing while Sniper and Twilight Sparkle would try to retrieve the injured Soldier and the kidnapped Scout. Heavy and Medic were already on their way to Solly’s location along with Derpy.
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
Heavy, Medic and Derpy.
Derpy, after shooting Soldier in the stomach, was so frightened by those events that she immediately ran outside, looking for help. Thankfully, she was able to quickly spot eight more aliens at the town’s entrance along with Applejack earlier. They told her that the injury was no big deal and that she shouldn’t worry about it. But how couldn’t she? There was an alien bleeding to death right inside her very own house!
She agreed to take two of the humans with her as they proclaimed they could easily heal his injuries as if they’ve never existed. Derpy doubted something like that would be even possible, but she agreed anyway since she couldn’t think of anything else. There were aliens and robots running around in Ponyville, what else could she have done?
“And zhat is how I lost my medical license! Ha-hah!” Medic laughed as he just finished telling his disturbing story to Derpy.
“Hahaha!” Heavy laughed along. “Doctor always tells funny stories!”
Okay. Derpy was certain now. These humans were completely insane if that was their idea of a fun story. They were extremely violent and rude. Some of them weren’t too bright in the head, and they were strangely obsessed with hats, according to Applejack. But Derpy couldn’t deny there was a certain… charm about these humans. They were amusing in a slightly darker way.
“Fraulein, I should be able to correct your little… eye problem.” Medic said to the gray Pegasus.
“Really? But wouldn’t that hurt?” She asked.
“Ja! Of course it vould hurt! Ein, maybe zwei incisions in both eyes followed by several hours of intense laser-therapy. Unfortunately I don’t have ze proper equipment here so we’ll have to improvise using our weapons. Of course you’ll have to be awake for all of zhis.” Medic started chuckling.
It didn’t take long for Derpy to nope her way out of that conversation. Her eyes were fine just the way they are. She walked next to Heavy, who for some reason, looked like the nicest guy even though he was the most intimidating.
“So, nice weather huh?” Derpy tried to start a conversation with the Russian.
“Little pony is so little. Is funny to me.” Heavy responded with a wide grin on his face.
“Oh… thanks I guess? So what do you do for a living?” Derpy asked Heavy.
“Very good question little pony. Heavy had many jobs in past. I was active in work-camp in Siberia for years. I’ve been manager for little kick-ball team from Mother Russia and international TV-personality. But Heavy is most proud of his time killing RED cowards.” He replied.
“Okay…” Derpy quickly abandoned that conversation as well. These guys sounded a bit too violent for her likings. It didn’t matter anyway. They finally arrived at her place. Now let’s hope they can help the injured Soldier.
“Heavy will guard house in case puny robots show up. Doctor go with little gray pony and heal Soldier.” The Russian told his good friend.
“Jawohl, come fraulein. Show me where ze dummkopf is.” Medic said.
“He’s upstairs. Follow me.” Derpy led Medic through her house and eventually reached the attic where Soldier had crashed through the roof.
“NOT A STEP CLOSER MAGGOTS!” They heard a voice bark as they reached the highest floor.
“Zhis dummkopf… Get down from zhere Soldier. I’ll have you fixed up in a minute.” Medic calmly responded. The Medi-Gun he carried was able to heal any injury as long it wasn’t lethal. He watched Soldier cowering atop a closet armed with the shotgun that most likely caused his current injury. Medic wasn’t certain what his exact injury was, but there was a lot of blood spread across Derpy’s attic. So it must’ve been one hell of a shot. Luckily, Soldier was not one to complain about small injuries. He fought in the war for God’s sake! A shotgun to the guts is nothing compared to what he endured in all those years. Pain is just weakness leaving the body.
“Negatory! You’re not fooling me again!” Soldier shouted defensively and aimed his gun towards Medic and the Pegasus.
“Zhere are no spies here, idiot!” Medic complained.
“Oh, sure! That’s what the last group said as well! Then they suddenly dropped their disguise and started stabbing me in the face. I hate you Spies, each and every one of you!” Soldier barked. It appeared that he had not been alone all this time.
“Is he alright?” Derpy asked Medic.
“Nein. He never has been. But it is fascinating to know zhese robots have ze ability to disguise as well. All little bits of information help.” He replied.
“You’re not fooling anyone with your small talk! I know a robot-Spy when I see one. I can almost smell it!” Soldier jumped down from the closet. He pumped his shotgun and aimed directly at Medic. “You’re joining the scrap pile just like the rest of them. Sweet dreams, cupcake.” He said.
*BOOM*
Soldier fell face first to the floor. He was completely knocked out cold for some reason. It must’ve been due to the extreme loss of blood, Medic guessed. It didn’t matter how tough you were, if you lose that much blood, you were going to black-out eventually. Medic had the Blutsauger ready just in case. Luckily it wasn’t even necessary.
“Oh, can you feel ze schadenfreude, ha-hah! Come fraulein.” Medic laughed as he lifted up the unconscious Soldier on his shoulder. “Let’s get him to a safer place.”
“Weren’t you going to help him?” Derpy asked.
“Jawohl. But not right now. As you heard him say; Zhere might still be robots around here. I’d rather not encounter them without anyone to protect me. We’re going back to Heavy and then we’ll see vhat our next course of action should be.” Medic answered.
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
Twilight Sparkle and Sniper.
“So… What kind of things do you like?” Twilight desperately tried to have a conversation with the Australian who seemed extremely annoyed this entire time.
“Hmmmmgh…” Sniper just mumbled some incomprehensible gibberish.
“Is… Did I do anything wrong? I’m sorry if I did so.”
“Pfft.” Sniper sighed. “It’s not your fault, mate. It’s just that damn Mann Co.”
“What happened? Would you like to talk about it.” Twilight asked.
“Nah. It ain’t a lovely story. Too much gore. Maybe I’ll bother you with that another time. For now I’ll just have to deal with this myself.” Sniper replied.
“Okay. But if there’s something bothering you, don’t hesitate to ask.” Twilight said.
“Much appreciated, mate.”
Some more time passed and they eventually reached Derpy’s house. The roof was almost completely destroyed. Who was going to pay for this? Twilight was certain there wasn’t any alien-house-destruction insurance, so helping Derpy was now also on Twilight’s to-do list. Both she and Sniper quickly spotted the gray Pegasus, Medic and a knocked-out Soldier sitting next to the building.
“Nein, nein! Where is zhat idiot!” Medic seemed pretty upset.
“Oi, mate! What’s the problem?” Sniper asked.
“Ah Sniper! Heavy seems to have gone missing. We left him outside to guard ze house from ze robots. But he’s disappeared even though we were only inside for eine minute.” Medic replied.
“Wait. So there’s another human missing now? Oh no… This is getting more stressful every minute now.” Twilight said.
“Is zhat eine unicorn? How… fascinating.” Medic was curious to what this species was capable off.
“Aye. This gal here’s Twilight Sparkle. She’s the boss of these ponies, I’m guessing.” Sniper explained.
“Stop saying that! Whoever told you that I’m the leader?” Twilight complained.
“Then who is?”
“Oh, I don’t know. Perhaps the mayor of Ponyville? Or the Princess, maybe? But that’s not important right now. When was the last time you saw your missing friend?” Twilight asked.
“Just before we went inside the house to get Mr. Soldier here. Mr. Heavy was gone by the time we came back, so just a few minutes ago.” Derpy explained.
“Then he can’t be far from here! Let’s stick together and look for clues. Let’s just hope Rainbow Dash and the last human are fine as well.” Twilight said taking charge of the situation.
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
Heavy. Moments earlier.
“LITTLE BLUE PONY THINKS SHE CAN INSULT HEAVY?!” The Russian yelled annoyed at this unknown equine.
“Ssh, keep your voice down! We don’t want everypony to wake up from your big mouth, do we?” The pony replied.
“NJET! Little pony made big mistake making me her enemy.” Heavy warned the pony.
“Oh, boo-hoo! What are you going to do about it? Wait… You aren’t going to hurt me, right? Are you?” The pony responded, slightly startled after realizing how big Heavy actually was.
“…Njet. If big Heavy would crush puny defenseless pony... That would be dishonorable.” The Russian said.
“Exactly as we thought. Well then. Are you going to take our offer or not?” The pony asked.
“Little pony cannot bribe Heavy Weapons Guy. Unless… she will pay me the biggest prize.” He answered.
“We already offered you thousands of bits! You said you didn’t care about currency!”
“Njet. Not money. I will not help blue pony, but I will come with her for now if…” Heavy paused for dramatic effect.
“If what?”
“If little pony gives me that very nice hat!” Heavy grinned.
“That… can be arranged.” The pony replied with a sigh as she face-hooved.
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
Scout. Atop some cloud.
Poor young Scout had been kidnapped by Rainbow Dash during all the confusion. He never even saw it coming. He got knocked out by some random events and he was dragged to a cloud-like house up in the sky by the blue Pegasus. Scout had no idea how he was even able to stand atop these cartoony clouds, but he didn’t question it. He feared for his life at the moment. Who knows what kind of sick plans this pony might have in store for him? What embarrassing acts of sexual cruelty? It truly was a curse being this amazingly good looking. Even other species are attracted to you. These were all Scout’s thoughts of course.
So this it, huh? The end. The finish-line. The grand-finale. It doesn’t even matter what we call it. Scout lived a good life, even though he probably had more downs than ups. For instance; living alongside seven brothers in Boston and being the youngest one. The whole Spy-Mother romance incident. Actually… The only good memories he could think of were from his time spent at the Mann Co. Ah yes, those were the good ol’ times. Exciting days filled with blood and violence. A very generous pay-check. And all the time in the world to relax.
But things went downhill for Scout after he and the rest of BLU had gotten fired by the company. Scout just woke up that faithful day witnessing the entire base being deserted. All his possessions, weapons and hats were taken as well. Scout obviously was enraged by this and raided Mann Co store on his own that very same day. He managed to collect a dozen of Mann Co supply crates, the Holy Mackerel, and last but not least, two Mann Co Keys.
Of course, the company wasn’t pleased by Scout’s actions and decided to take drastic measures. Unlike Soldier, who they had just sent several robots to destroy, they went for a more subtle approach to take care of Scout.
They called the police on him. And thus, Scout had been running from the law ever since, not even being able to go back to his old home. He just roamed the streets of Boston for years, seeing where the world of tomorrow would take him.
And here he was now, imprisoned by some blue loud-mouthed pony. All and all, he had a decent life. Perhaps jumping of this cloud would be the best course of action. He doubted anyone was going to miss him, anyway.
Scout checked his backpack which he collected earlier back on Earth. All his weapons, hats, and items were still in there. Unfortunately, the keys and crates he still owned during his time working for the Mann Co were all taken away. You might question how it is possible to store hundreds of weapons, crates, hats, and other miscellaneous stuff inside a single backpack. The answer to that is… Magic!
Anyway, Scout did still own the two keys and dozens of crates he stole from the Mann Co. store. He might as well open a few. Maybe he would finally get a Strange Scattergun to take with him to his grave.
“Well, here goes nothing.” Scout said as he used the first key on a random crate.
*Are you sure you want to open this crate?*
“ Yes, yes! Hurry up already before that crazy pony gets back!” Scout complained.
*Uncrating your loot. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.*
“OH MY GOD WHAT IS IT?!”
*New item acquired. You unboxed: Strange Bottle.*
“Screw you, crate!” Scout wasn’t really happy with his loot. Maybe Demoman would be… But not Scout. Seriously, these crates were ridiculous. It was like a 99% chance you got something extremely crappy, or a stupid duplicate.
“Well. I got one more key. Might as well use it before I toss myself off this stupid cloud.” Scout sighed.
*Are you sure you want to open this crate?*
“No, I just put the key in there for no reason at all... Just open the damn thing!”
*Uncrating your loot. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.*
“Doo dee doo daaaa.” Scout wasn’t really paying attention anymore. It was going to be crap anyway.
*New item acquired. You have unboxed: Unusual Front Runner. Stormy Storm particle effect.*
“…Huh?” Scout couldn’t believe his eyes. This had to be a dream, it had to be! But as his hands reached out towards the glorious hat that laid before him, he knew that the almighty God Gaben himself was smiling at him from up above. This was a sign for him to continue living his life to the fullest. Yes. Thank you, God! Thank you!
Scout put on his newly acquired hat and understood the world better than ever before. Yes, this was his destiny. Bring it blue pony! Because Scout had an unusual hat, which meant he was better than your average Gibus player. Which also meant he could take down a small pony without too many problems.
“Hey! Are you ready?” Rainbow Dash suddenly appeared behind Scout. For some reason, she didn’t question his strange hat that had a rainy cloud hanging above it.
“OH GOD, DON’T EAT ME, PLEASE!” Scout immediately begged for his life as his confidence disappeared instantaneously.
“Uhh. I thought you challenged me to a race earlier. You said you were the fastest man alive, didn’t you?” Rainbow Dash asked.
“Y-yeah… T-That’s right! But why did you bring me to this damn cloud, then?” Scout replied.
“If you’re as fast as you say you are, then I need to get my best game on. That’s why I got my racing-goggles!” Rainbow Dash explained as she showed off her headwear.
“Pfft. Those aren’t going to make you any faster.” Scout said. But he secretly admired those gorgeous goggles.
“Oh yeah! You’ll see, big shot! Let’s get back to town again. We’ll do a full circle around Ponyville. First one back at the entrance is the winner. I won’t even need to use my wings to beat you.” Rainbow Dash bragged.
“Yeah. Keep underestimating me. It’ll only make my victory so much sweeter.” Scout counter-bragged. He was at least relieved this pony had no dirty intentions towards him.
“Okay. Hop on!” Rainbow Dash said.
“H-Hop on what?” Scout asked confused.
“My back! Unless you want to jump down. Human can’t fly, can they?” Rainbow Dash questioned.
Scout just had a sudden flashback to one of the previous war games in the past. It was on koth_harvest. Scout jumped atop the roof in front of the enemy’s spawn. This was a bad idea since the RED team decided to have four Engineers armed with Wranglers just setting up their sentry-nests right outside their spawn. Demoman or Soldier would’ve been able to destroy those with ease, but not Scout. He just drank his Bonk-Atomic Punch and was launched to the moon seconds later. Eventually, gravity kicked him back and he fell to his unavoidable doom. Luckily, they still had the Respawn back then.
“Yeah. Uhh, no. Humans can’t fly.” Scout answered. “But I’m not getting on, no way!”
“Why the hay not?” Rainbow Dash asked.
“Because uhh… I don’t know? You’re a small pony that most likely won’t be able to carry my weight?” Scout explained. He didn’t like falling down.
“Really?! Who do you think got you up here in the first place? Look, maybe I can’t carry those other big fat alien-friends of yours. But you! Look at how scrawny you are, it’s easy, no problem!” Rainbow Dash said.
“S-Scrawny?! Listen babe, I guarantee ya, these are all muscles.” Scout started flexing. But he guessed it made sense that this pony was able to lift him. How else did he get on this cloud?
“Yeah, sure. Are you coming or what? I want to have our little race before Twilight and the others find us.”
“Okay… Uhh I just get on here and... uhh.” Scout was now sitting on Dash’s back. Never had he felt this uncomfortable in his life. “Okay. I think I’m ready.” He said. Luckily, Scout’s small physique made it easy to carry him around.
“Let’s go!” Rainbow Dash shouted and took off at light speed.
“AAAAH!” Scout screamed like a baby. This pony wasn’t lying about her speeding-skills, that’s for sure.
“Geez. Quit your whining, seriously!” Rainbow Dash complained.
A couple of minutes soaring through the sky passed which gave Scout some time to think and relax. He was riding a rainbow-colored pony with wings in a different world where he was being chased by violent robots. And he just randomly acquired an unusual hat.
Something wasn’t right here… Good things never happened to Scout! Why couldn’t he remember how he had gotten atop that cloud? It’s simple really.
Yes, Scout had it all figured out. This was just a lucid dream. Surely these random events can’t be part of reality. It was just an extremely awkward and scarily realistic dream.
“He-he…. Ha ha ha!” Scout started chuckling slightly nervous. If you haven’t realized it by now, he’s gone completely insane.
“Are you alright?” Rainbow Dash asked as she noticed Scout’s sudden change of mood.
“Oh, suuure! I’m totally fine.” He responded. “Hey pony… do a barrel-roll!”
“Do a what now? WOAH WOAH!” Rainbow Dash suddenly lost her balance as Scout started swinging from left to right on her back.
“Weeee! Come on! Do a corkscrew and a loop!”
“Are you crazy! Sit still or you’re gonna get both of us killed!” Rainbow Dash warned Scout.
But Scout didn’t care. He kept throwing Rainbow Dash off balance with his weird shenanigans. It didn’t take long for Rainbow Dash to start crashing down at an alarmingly fast rate.
“Don’t worry! I’ll wake up in a minute or two and then everything will be fine again!” Scout managed to say before they crashed inside the Everfree Forest.
*Crash*
Both of their falls were luckily stopped by an enormous tree. They both crashed into a comfortable pile of leaves. Yet, unfortunately for Scout, he didn’t ‘wake’ up and came to the conclusion that this was, in fact, reality. Which was bad, but also pretty good because the unusual hat wasn’t just his imagination. Oh, the rest of the BLUs would be so jealous!
Rainbow Dash on the other hand… or hoof, was pretty pissed off. What’s this guy’s problem? Going completely loco in the coco while flying hundreds of meters up in the sky. And worst of all, they wouldn’t have time to hold their race right now.
“What the hay is your problem, punk!” Rainbow Dash confronted Scout.
“Oh… I uhh… I’m sorry. I thought this wasn’t real or something. It’s my stupid mistake, and I’m truly sorry for it.” Scout replied feeling genuinely upset about what happened.
“Yeah… Well, you’re not off the hook, yet! We’ll have our race sooner or later!” Dash said.
“BEEP.”
“Did you hear that?” Scout asked as he was bothered by this sudden beep.
“Hear what?”
“BOOP.”
“That! Oh, dear god! ROBOT!” Scout yelled as he saw two bright glowing eyes emerge from a bush behind them.
“You! Yes, you! You are dead!” The robot said. It appears this was a Heavy-bot.
“What, me?!” Rainbow Dash asked concerned.
“Njet. Him! BOOP.” The mechanical giant pointed at Scout.
“Why is it always me?” Scout sighed. But he was ready for some action, anyway. And this situation did not call for a Scattergun or Force’a’Nature. Oh no. This called for a real man’s weapon; The Holy Mackerel. “Alright Dash. You just fly off or something and let me handle this.” He ordered the blue Pegasus.
“Ha! I’m not going anywhere, whether you like it or not.” Rainbow Dash replied. She wasn’t a pony to run away from her problems. She’d rather confront them.
“I will teach puny meat bag respect! NOM NOM NOM!” The Heavy Weapons Bot started to chew down a Buffalo Steak Sandvich. How a mechanical being could consume a steak, they couldn’t figure out for the life of them. After he finished his meal, the robot equipped his melee weapons; The Eviction’s Notice.
“Alright, if you’re going to stay, just don’t get close to that big ugly and you’ll be totally fine.” Scout explained to Dash.
“YAAAAH!” The robot rushed forward swinging his arms wildly around him with amazing speed.
But not quick enough as both Scout and Rainbow Dash were able to get away quite easily from the insane Heavy-bot.
“WHOOO!” Scout did his battle cheer and ran directly towards the big mechanical monstrosity. Ah, yes. How long has it been since he was freely able to beat the living hell out of an enemy Heavy? It was… beautiful, almost like a sort of art to Scout.
He slapped that smelly Mackerel right in the robot’s face multiple times. Sure, it didn’t do too much damage, but it was just so incredibly satisfying.
Rainbow Dash was face-hoofing while hovering in the sky at this random battle plan Scout had. Even she could realize hitting a monster made from metal with sea-food wasn’t going to do much harm. She didn’t know quite what to do to help in this situation, but by Celestia, She was going to try.
“KA-POW!” Rainbow Dash bucked the robot straight in the face with her very own sound effect. It seemed to have slightly more impact than the Mackerel as the Heavy-bot started staggering.
“OW!” Apparently robots could feel pain now as they could hear from his reaction. “All of you are dead now!” Heavy Weapons Bot was enraged.
But Scout already saw an opportunity to strike when Rainbow Dash did her attack. He just kept striking the giant with his fish, and no matter how tough you were, no matter how much experience you had, all would eventually fall to the mighty Holy Mackerel. And since Scout was so fast, and the Heavy-bot so extremely slow, it was rather easy to avoid his strikes. Of course the Mad-Milk Scout also carried made taking damage a lot less concerning.
“RAAARRRGH!” The bot cried with pain from his humiliating defeat. He eventually exploded after about seven minutes of intense Fish on Machine action.
“Wow, That was... random.” Rainbow Dash said. “These robots you humans keep talking about don’t look that dangerous at all.”
“Yeah. Individually they’re a bunch of wimps. But if they attack as a team, you’d better hide.” Scout explained. He could still clearly remember the army of Pyros along with the intense heat produced by their flames when he and the BLUs first arrived in Equestria.
“Hmm. They still seem pretty weak to me. Anyway, let’s get back to Ponyville. I’m sure every pony is worried about us by now.” Rainbow Dash said.
“Yeah, sure. The more, the merrier.” Scout replied.
“HAAAAAAAAAAAAVE AT THEM, LADS!” A robotic voice suddenly shouted from behind them.
“OH CRAP! RUUUN! Let’s get the hell out of this forest!” Scout shouted as he heard multiple swords and axes being unsheathed. He didn’t want to stay with those guys, that’s for sure.
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
Author's note: So I unboxed my first unusual earlier this week. Felt pretty good!
https://camo.derpicdn.net/924c7e447b7dc3838431179bf730961c7a7a822f?url=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F9JkFb.jpg

//-------------------------------------------------------//
                      4. Honor-bound.                      
//-------------------------------------------------------//
4. Honor-bound.
Team Fortress 2. Equestria’s Robot Invasion.  
Chapter 4. Honor-bound.
Scout had run many times in his life, but never this fast. It was like a cruel joke. At least twenty robotic Demoknights were charging all over the place. Scout could remember DeGroot Keep being a terrifying place, and this resembled it very closely. Apart from the fact that there was a pony involved.
Rainbow Dash didn’t have too much trouble avoiding the crazed Scottish robots. Flying definitely had its advantages. All of the Demoknights were armed with Scotsman Skullcutters, Persian Persuaders, and the largest one carried a Half-Zatoichi. He was presumably the leader of this small pack of loose robots. None of them carried a Grenade Launcher or Loch-N-Load as the real Demoman did. Nope, these robots were loyal to the title of Demo-‘Knight’. Thus they were only using melee weapons.
“I take back what I said about those robots earlier! These actually look pretty scary!” Rainbow Dash shouted to Scout as she hovered next to him.
“Yeah, no kidding. We got to get out of this damn forest right away. Which way back to the town? Hopefully the sentry nest will be able to take them out.” Scout replied.
“We’re way back at the other side of the forest. But don’t worry! I know a way back in. Just follow me!” Rainbow Dash said as she took the lead.
Scout just kept running as fast as he could, not even looking back at these completely insane robots. The charging sound, the drunken gibberish, it was just so annoying! Demoknights were a force to be reckoned with. If one would appear from behind you, they’d cut of your head in a split-second. So facing twenty at the same time would be too much to handle for the fragile Scout, even with Rainbow Dash at his side. No, this was a job for Engineer’s Sentry-Guns. Or perhaps a certain individual that has a strange habit of blowing things up.
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
Engineer, Demoman, Pyro, Pinkie Pie and Applejack.
“T-That’s not the way to do it!” Demoman continued his drunken ramblings as he was getting dragged along by Engineer.
“Dag-nabbit! First Solly and Scout. And now Spy disappeared. What the hell is going on here?!” Engineer complained. On their way to Fluttershy’s cottage, Spy apparently saw something interesting and decided to do some sinister sneaking in the shadows with his Invisi-Watch.
“I don’t think Twilight’s going to be happy about that. You’re missing like… six out of nine humans already. And he looks like he’d partied way too hard last night.” Pinkie Pie said as she pointed her hoof at Demoman, who was in a world of his own.
“Ah agree. Ya guys don’t really seem to understand the consequences. We’ve dealt with our deal of creepers in the past, but ya humans might scare every pony in Ponyville if y’all just keep carelessly running around.” Applejack added.
“Ma’am, let me explain the situation one more time, including all details. Solly’s knocked out at some pony’s house. Medic and Heavy went to check it out, so they’ll be back in no time seeing as the purple unicorn and Sniper went there as well. Right now we still got Spy missing, but don’t worry about him revealing himself to the civilians here. He just likes to observe. And lastly Scout got kidnapped by yer blue flying friend. So ya don’t have to worry about him running around. That leaves me, Pyro and Demoman here. And we’re right here with you, so nothing can go wrong, right?” Engineer said.
“Ah… guess so.” Applejack replied.
“Good. Now where is this Flutter Guy’s cottage where Demoman can be taken care off?” Engineer asked.
“It’s Fluttershy. And we’re almost there. It’s right on the edge of the forest though. So we might need to look out for them robot fellas y’all keep talking about.” AJ answered.
“Hmm. Ah don’t have enough metal to construct more sentries. Pyro, you’re taking care of our defense when we arrive.” Engineer ordered his teammate.
“Mmmphh!” Pyro replied excitedly.
Five minutes later.
“Alright, we’re here. Why don’t y’all stand back for a bit and let me do the talking. Fluttershy is… well uhh, easily scared.” Applejack said.
“Sure thing ma’am. Come Pyro! Ah saw some chickens over yonder. We haven’t had lunch yet, ya know?” Engineer replied as he dropped down the half-unconscious Demoman against the building. He and Pyro went to check out the surrounding of this cottage.
“Hudda!”
“Wait… what?! Are y’all crazy? Pinkie! Go an’ make sure those fellas don’t start munching down those poor chickens.” Applejack said to her friend.
“Will do!” Pinkie Pie happily bounced after the two humans.
“Ughh… Here goes nothing.” Applejack was now alone in front of the entrance.
*KNOCK KNOCK*
“H-hello?” A voice peeped from behind the door.
“Fluttershy. It’s me, Applejack. Could ya open up, please?” The Earth pony asked.
“I-I don’t know…” Fluttershy replied.
“What? Why the hay not?”
“I heard Pinkie Pie’s voice… I’m not in the mood for any more pranks. Last night was more than enough.”
Last night was Nightmare Night and Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie went on a pranking spree. Even poor Fluttershy wasn’t spared.
Applejack quickly turned her long neck around the corner, checking the current situation. Demoman was silently mumbling against himself. Engineer, Pyro and Pinkie appeared to have made peace with Fluttershy’s animals. At least, that’s what she thought after she saw the Engineer’s hardhat was replaced by a chicken. After facehoofing at the situation, Applejack turned back to the door.
“Uhh, no. Ah swear this ain’t a prank. Pinkie’s just… hanging out with yer chickens. The problems is that uhh... we’ve got an injured animal right here!” Applejack was only able to come up with this on short notice. Technically she wasn’t lying.
The door suddenly got slammed open with great strength revealing the worried face of Fluttershy. “An injured animal? Where?” She asked concerned.
“Yeah… that’s the thing. It ain’t exactly an animal.”
“Then is it a pony?”
“Nah…”
“Then it has to be an animal. Where is the cute fuzzy wuzzy helpless little critter?” Fluttershy asked as she took a few steps outside her cottage.
“Uhh… The fella’s right around the corner.” Applejack said.
“Oh my! I wonder what wonderous creature it might be! Perhaps a phoenix! Or just a simple duck. I don’t mind, I love all anima-” Fluttershy stopped midsentence as she passed the corner.
“Y-Ye got some liquor, lass?” Demoman asked.
“Ah think he meant to ask if ya got some tea or something. He’s drunk as ya can see.” Applejack explained.
Fluttershy didn’t respond, but slowly made her way back to her safe house.
“F-Fluttershy? What are you doing? Ain’t ya gonna help him?” Applejack asked.
Still no response from the cream-colored Pegasus. A silent squeak at most. She was almost back inside… Everything was going to be okay. No scary looking things were around there.
“MMMPPPHH! HUDDA!” Pyro suddenly jumped out of nowhere blocking the entrance. He was armed with a chicken. It proceeded to make chicken sounds.
That moment, poor Fluttershy fainted. Nothing could have prepared her for this insane maniac waving poultry in front of her face.
“Dag-nabbit Pyro! Why would you scare that easily frightened pony like that?” Engineer said, looking pretty pissed off. Even though they were around the corner, they were still able to listen to the entire conversation between Fluttershy and Applejack.
“Mmmphh?” Pyro explained.
“Oh… He said he wanted to give a present to Fluttershy hoping that they would become friends.” Pinkie was once again working as a translator for Pyro.
“Do you got some screws loose, son? Ya can’t give a darn present to someone that already owns that certain possession. Anyway, what are we going to do about Demoman and yer friend now?” Engineer said facing Applejack.
“Might as well put him inside the cottage. Just one of ya guys help me! Ah don’t want to scare Fluttershy like that again when she wakes up.” Applejack said. So just her and Engineer went inside while Pinkie and Pyro remained outside, standing guard.
Engineer carried the small Pegasus and gently placed her on top of the couch. Applejack dragged the drunken Demoman along by his feet and eventually bucked him through the living room. He landed face first on the floor, right in front of the couch. He noticed absolutely nothing from all of this.
“Alright. I’ll get that fella some tea. Hopefully, it’ll help.” Applejack said and left Engineer alone in the living room with Fluttershy and Demoman. Both knocked out cold.
“G-gonna blow yer ass on the grass and I’m the grass… man… punk.” Demoman said. Okay, maybe he wasn’t knocked out. But he wasn’t making much sense.
“Exactly, pardner.” Engineer just kept nodding his head at everything Demoman said.
Engineer took a look outside the window. He noticed Pinkie Pie and Pyro hanging around the cottage. Pyro was apparently in a heavy argument with one of Fluttershy’s many pets and animal friends. This particular one was a beaver. Stranger things have happened, right? Now where the heck was that tea?
“Tea’s on, everypony!” Applejack said as she walked back inside, holding three cups of tea. Engineer had no time to question how an Earth pony without thumbs or the use of magic was able to hold all of these items.
“Thanks ma’am. Let’s hope it’ll clear that Scottish drunk up a bit.” The Texan replied.
“What’s this, lads? More vodka?” Demoman asked as he was handed a random beverage.
“He-he. That’s right pardner. Why don’t ya enjoy it.” Engineer laughed.
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
Twilight Sparkle and Sniper.
Sniper and Twilight, after regrouping with Soldier, Medic, and Derpy, were already on their way again in search of the missing Scout and Heavy. Unfortunately, some ‘things’ happened along the way and suddenly Twilight was in a rush to get to Fluttershy’s cottage as soon as possible.
“Look, mate! I’m sorry for what happened!” Sniper shouted at an annoyed Twilight Sparkle, who didn’t waste any time getting away from the Australian.
“Don’t talk to me anymore…” She responded.
“Oi! I thought that you said Spy! It’s just a habit I’ve developed from my time at the company!” Sniper said.
“I said FLY! It doesn’t even come close to Spy! I can’t believe you would do such a disgusting thing!”
“I told ya I’m sorry already. What else do ya want me to do?”
“Just… don’t do anything anymore, okay?” Twilight said. Sniper did as told and just kept following the purple unicorn, not saying a word. Eventually, they arrived at Fluttershy’s cottage where they were happily greeted by Pyro and Pinkie Pie.
“Hudda!” Pyro cheered.
“Hey Twilight! Did you find the other aliens? Wait a minute… What’s that smell?” Pinkie asked.
“… Can’t talk right now! Have to get inside, bye!” Twilight immediately rushed inside the cottage.
“Hmm… that was weird.” Pinkie proclaimed.
“Yeah… Don’t ask.” Sniper didn’t want to explain.
Inside the cottage.
Twilight Sparkle walked inside the house where she was immediately confronted by Engineer with a chicken on his head, an unconscious Fluttershy, and an awfully relaxed-looking Applejack. At least Demoman wasn’t knocked-out anymore. For just a moment here, Twilight Sparkle didn’t give a buck what was going on.
“Okay, I see you’ve got everything under control here, Applejack. I’m going to take a shower quickly… uhh, and YOU are going with me to the mayor’s office next!” Twilight stated as she pointed at Engineer.
“Me?! Why the heck me? I already told ya Solly’s the leader.” Engineer didn’t really want this responsibility.
“Well Solly’s not here now, is he? You’re coming with me whether you like it or not. You’re the only one that seems to be able to have a normal conversation… C-could you please take that bird off your head?” Twilight asked while facehoofing.
“Oh! Pardon me, ma’am. Didn’t realize ah still had that on. Anyway, I’ll come with ya, but promise me you won’t blame me for anything else that might possibly go wrong, okay?” Engineer told of his demands.
“Sure… just be ready.” Twilight replied.
“Alrighty then. Why don’t ya go take a shower? Ya smell like p-” Engineer was interrupted.
“YES, YES. PLEASE DON’T REMIND ME!” Twilight Sparkle yelled, clearly agitated. She walked up the stairs, going in for a quick shower before explaining the situation to the mayor of Ponyville along with Engineer.
“Ah wonder where Medic and the others are.” Engineer said while facing Applejack.
*BAMN!*
“Ze Doctor… is in.” Medic kicked the door open while performing his ridiculous entrance. Applejack was sure she even saw some doves appear out of thin air behind him. Soldier and Derpy were alongside him.
“Ughh… Ah told y’all to stay outside! Get back outside right now!” Applejack replied, annoyed. “You as well, mister!” She pointed at Engineer.
“M-me?! But ya heard the purple pony. She wanted me to come with her.” Engineer responded in his defense.
“Yeah, ya can wait outside for her. Ah don’t want anypony startling Fluttershy again. Just this fella can stay inside until he recovers.” Applejack said. “Are ya enjoying yer tea, pardner?” She asked Demoman.
“Yes. Quite, indeed.” He responded fancily.
“But… what are we supposed to do in the meantime?” Engineer asked. He didn’t really feel like hanging outside for a while.
Applejack quickly scanned the room looking for any form of temporary entertainment. Ah-hah! There it is. Surely this will be able to keep them busy for a while.
“Here’s a soccer-ball. Enjoy yourselves.” Applejack said and then she slammed the door shut.
“What is this? Does this pony expect she can just treat us like five year olds and get away with it? Do you know what we did with those kinds of people in the war?!” Soldier barked. Apparently he was completely healed by Medic’s Medi-Gun.
“Ja. I agree vith Soldier. Zhis is very demeaning.” Medic added.
“Oh. Yer just scared me an’ Pyro will wipe the floor with y’all.” Engineer chuckled.
“Mwaahaha!” Pyro joined the laughter.
“What! No man calls me a coward and lives another day! Give me that ball, maggot! I’ll show you a true man’s capabilities!” Soldier was ready to defend his honor.
“Oh! Can we play as well?” Pinkie chirped excitedly.
“You’re not serious... are you?” Derpy questioned if the BLUs even knew the definition of a ‘friendly game’.
But it had already begun. The most highly anticipated match this entire decade. Soldier, Medic and Derpy versus Engineer, Pyro and Pinkie Pie. May the best team win! Sniper was unfortunately excluded from the match for the sole reason that he’s a camper. No-one likes campers. Not even in this friendly game of football.
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
Spy. Somewhere in the Everfree Forest.
Spy had, upon given the chance, made his way from from the group. He was pretty smelly, due to the Jarate that Sniper threw at him earlier. He was luckily able to wash himself at a nearby river. It wasn’t an easy task getting there. Spy had to face multiple robotic Spycrabs on his way there. They weren’t that much of a threat and the Frenchman was simply able to avoid the stronger robots with the use of his Invisi-Watch. Cleaning himself up was his only goal at the moment. Now that he was done with that, he could make his way back to town and observe what ridiculous things the BLU might do next.
Spy was intrigued by this colorful world and its talking equine inhabitants. The very existence of magic fascinated him greatly. But there was one thing that piqued his interest even more. Fashion.
So Spy couldn’t skip the opportunity to take a visit at this boutique he just happened to pass. Perhaps some fashionable headwear is there to ‘loan’. Yes… There had to be.
Spy lit his cigarette and sneaked his way inside the building through the front door. Surely, at this early hour there was no one here.
“Mon Dieu!” Spy quickly equipped his Cloak and Dagger to remain permanently invisible as long he stood still. He was welcomed by the presence of two white unicorns, an incredibly small one and another larger one.
“Sweetie Belle! Did you leave the door open again? You have to stop daydreaming, dear. What if some pony just walked inside and stole my latest creation? I have finally been able to make a name for myself across all Equestria. I was simply dazzled by the fact that such a high-status pony such as Sir Hoofington of Manehattan would place an order at my boutique.” The largest one said.
“What?! I haven’t even been downstairs yet! You can’t blame everything on me, Rarity! You must’ve left it open yourself. Hey… What’s with all the smoke?” Sweetie Belle complained.
“No!” Spy whispered. He quickly swallowed his lit cigarette to avoid getting caught already. No problem, Spy was an expert.
“Smoke? Hmm, I don’t know. Close the door would you, darling? And… open up some windows.” Rarity ordered her little sister while she made her way to the kitchen, presumably to make some breakfast.
“Hmm hmm.” Spy chuckled as he rubbed his hands evilly. He thought he could take this opportunity to check out what this latest creation would be. Surely, a pony with a name as Rarity knew how to dress to impress and was aware how to finish an outfit, with a hat obviously. Of course these ponies were quite a bit smaller than the BLUs, but their heads were enormous. So surely, they’d be able to fit the same headwear.
Spy sneaked his way past Sweetie Belle and made his way to the fashion room, where presumably the magic happened.
And magic there was. Hats, hats everywhere. Of course, there was a large variety of pony suits and dresses, but those did not interest Spy in the slightest.
Spy uncloaked and checked out the various hats. He felt like it was that one time where he was able to score a ridiculous amount of points by infinitely destroying his own sapper when attached to an enemy building. Unfortunately, it gave the RED Engineer a stroke, though.
Spy started laughing like a maniacal pig and threw all of the hats he could find on the floor. He rolled in them in sweet delight. These were all his hats now! All OF THEM!
“Umm… Excuse me?” A voice asked from behind him. It was the little unicorn named Sweetie Belle.
“Mon Dieu! I’ve been spotted.” Spy reacted slightly startled. But this event did allow him able to think clearly again. Even a highly sophisticated man such as Spy couldn’t avoid going insane when confronted with such an amazing array of headwear. It was the BLUs’ only weakness.
Spy quickly checked his pocket. Yes, it was still there. “He-he.” He chuckled. He stuffed at least five random hats in his suit before making his way to the window.
“Zhis was quite a disappointment. But do not worry my little flower. I will return soon enough for ze real treasure.” Spy jumped out through window next before the young pony was able to react.
*Crack*
Oh, wow… That didn’t sound good. Sweetie Belle was more interested rather than frightened at this weird-looking alien. She peaked outside the broken window.
No… That didn’t look good at all. She saw the BLU Spy lying completely motionless on the ground.
“Are you alright, mister?” She shouted.
“Oui!” Suddenly another alien body appeared out of nowhere while the one on the ground simply vanished. Ah, he must be like a snake, shedding its skin. It all makes sense.
Actually it was the Dead Ringer allowing Spy to fake his own death, but ponies didn’t know what such a complicated Australium-powered device was just yet.
Spy ran off into the forest next after thrashing Rarity’s house and stealing a couple of hats. Sweetie Belle was confused, but also amused.
“SWEETIE BELLE! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!” Rarity was shocked after witnessing her room in a complete mess. There’s hats laying everywhere, and of course, the broken window was looking awfully suspicious. Unfortunately, Rarity was blind to what actually happened.
“OH, come on! I didn’t do that either, I swear!” Sweetie Belle begged for her innocence.
“Oh, really? Then who did, hmm?” Rarity asked sarcastically.
“Aliens. Bipedal, hat-wearing, snake-aliens!” Sweetie Belle was dead serious.
“…Go to your room, Sweetie. I’ll clean this mess up again.” Rarity rolled her eyes and sighed.
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
Applejack, Fluttershy and Demoman.
Some time had passed and both Fluttershy and Demoman regained their normal senses. Demoman was still slightly drunk, but the tea took the edges off. He was fine.
Fluttershy on the other hand was still pretty uncomfortable with an alien sitting inside her house. But Applejack guaranteed that despite the fact that these humans might seem slightly crazy, they meant no harm.
“So I bought a submarine, went all across the lake. And what do ye know? No bloody monster anywhere!” Demoman told one of his many adventures he had living in the Scottish Highlands.
“Uhh, why would ya want a monster to live in yer lake? That doesn’t really make sense.” Applejack asked.
“Are ye kidding me! It’s the thrill and the adrenaline ye get when encountering something unknown! Not even a bottle of Scrumpy can compare with that feeling.” The Scotsman explained.
“Oh, okay. Ah guess ah can understand that. Anyway, what’s yer job exactly?” Applejack wondered.
“Oh, I’ve had many jobs in the past years lass. But there’s one particular that’s been in the family for generations. As me name already gives away, I’m a Demoman or Demolition Man. I blow things up.” He explained.
Fluttershy was listening to the conversation the entire time and she finally summoned the courage to join in with the conversation. Just some small-talk, nothing can go wrong.
“Hmmmhm…” Fluttershy was so silent that not even she was able to comprehend exactly what she was saying.
“What, lass!? Ye gotta turn up the volume a bit!” Demoman said.
“I said…What makes you a good Demoman exactly?” Fluttershy peeped. Blowing things up sounded dangerous, surely this would be an interesting story.
“WHAT MAKES ME A GOOD DEMOMAN?!” The Scotsman slammed his fist in the table. “IF I WERE A BAD DEMOMAN, I WOULDN’T BE SITTIN’ HERE, DISCUSSING IT WITH YA, NOW WOULD I?!” Demoman seemed quite random once again. Poor Fluttershy was already cowering away again at the screaming Scotsman.
“Uhh, ya can keep the volume down yerself as well, pardner.” Applejack stated. Unfortunately, Demoman wasn’t even listening anymore.
“One crossed wire, one wayward pinch of potassium chlorate, one errant twitch... and KABLOOIE!”
“Ah think he’s drunk again…” Applejack said.
Demoman’s tone changed and he suddenly seemed quite a bit sadder. “I’ve got a manky eye. I’m a Black Scottish Cyclops! They’ve got more f-” He was interrupted.
“Yeah, Ah’m pretty sure he’s drunk again. Better get some more of that tea, Fluttershy. Ah’ll keep him busy.” Applejack said as she held her hoof against the Demoman’s mouth preventing him from saying anything inappropriate.
“Okay…” Fluttershy silently trotted towards the kitchen.
“Now what the hay is wrong with you? Ya can’t just keep drinking that much all the time.” Applejack said to Demoman.
“Oh, lass. It’s just helps me remember the past. For some, the future ain’t as happy as ye might think.” He explained.
At this same moment, Twilight Sparkle had finished abusing Fluttershy’s shower to clean herself up after the Sniper incident.
“Where’s Fluttershy?” She asked when she arrived downstairs.
“In the kitchen, gettin’ some more tea for this fella.” Applejack replied.
“So she’s not unconscious anymore? Good. I’m taking Engineer with me to the mayor’s office so we can discuss their ‘temporary’ visit here. I’m not sure if I should notify the princesses yet, though. Where are the rest?” Twilight Sparkle asked.
“Ah have sent ‘em all outside. Didn’t want to startle Fluttershy even more. There’s still a few missing, though.” Applejack answered.
“Good thinking. I’m sure we’ll be able to find them in no time. I’d just like to explain the situation to the Mayor as quickly as possible to prevent any more mishaps or miscommunications. I’ll be going now then. Tell Fluttershy that I’m grateful for her help, but I simply don’t have the time to sit around at this moment.” Twilight said.
“Will do. Good luck! Ah’ll take care of all of the guys around here. Ah’ll take Demoman here for a small walk to clear his head, then Ah’ll check on the others.” Applejack replied.
“Good. Good…” Twilight slowly made her way to the front door. She already knew that once she opened that thing, she would be confronted by another random action of the BLUs. Well, here goes nothing.
One opened door later.
Explosions, destruction, randomness. It was everywhere. Applejack just gave them a soccer-ball. How did it end up like this?
“I am fully charged!” Medic shouted.
“GO GO GO!” Soldier shouted.
Unfortunately Soldier was feeling like a Trolldier today and decided to rocket-jump away right at the moment Medic popped his uber-charge. Soldier crashed down seconds later behind the cottage.
“Dumkoppf! Come Fraulein. Get ze ball!” Medic quickly locked his charge on Derpy rather than Soldier.
“What… WHAT DO I DO?!” Derpy was extremely confused as her body started glowing bright blue and she felt more powerful than ever before. She rose up to the skies… and crashed headfirst against a tree. It exploded.
This gave the other team a chance to counter-attack!
Engineer was whacking his wrench, Nope-ing all over the place. From some certain angles, one would think his neck was expanding and contracting. Not even Sun-Tzu could argue with this brilliant strategy.
Pinkie Pie managed to get some help in the form of a party-cannon. She quickly grabbed whatever ammo it was that’s available. Wait… That’s it! BRILLIANT!
She stuffed Pyro inside the cannon. He gladly agreed to this obviously. After a thumbs up signaled by the Pyro, Pinkie prepared to launch him in the direction of the soccer-ball.
“WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?! Seriously!” Twilight shouted. This had simply gotten too far.
“We’re just playing a game of football!” Pinkie Pie explained.
“How is this playing football? You’re shooting rockets, lasers and cannons!” Twilight facehoofed. “You know what? I don’t care. Engineer! You’re coming with me right now. The rest of you just stay here and don’t break anything, okay? Do you all understand that?”
“Yes, ma’am! Ah hope yer not upset. We were just havin’ some fun.” Engineer stepped forward.
“I don’t want any more things to go wrong today. I think it has been enough. Come, we’re going to the Mayor’s office now to discuss your stay here at Ponyville.” Twilight said. So she and Engineer left, leaving the rest to continue their ridiculous game.
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
The Everfree Forest. Scout and Rainbow Dash.
Both Rainbow Dash and Scout were still running for their lives. The robotic Demoknights were closing in of them, but no worries. They were almost back at Ponyville. Unfortunately, they were not going to be able to enter at the normal entrance since they were on other side of the forest. The closest way back in was via Fluttershy’s cottage, which wasn’t defended by Sentry Guns.
“There it is!” Scout and Rainbow Dash finally managed to escape the forest. The army of Demoknights remained motionless on the forest’s edge.
“Why aren’t they following us anymore?” Rainbow Dash asked.
“Huh… I don’t know. They gotta be scared of me or something.” Scout replied.
“Oi, lads! What are ye doin’ over there?” A distant voice shouted. It was Demoman, accompanied by Applejack.
“Oh, Demoman! Look man, there’s like twenty robots right there!” Scout quickly warned his teammate.
From the edge of the forest multiple robotic Demoknights were shouting incomprehensible gibberish while flashing their metal crotches.
“Oh, me Lord! Well, better get the b- Wait… I-Is that an unusual hat?” Demoman suddenly changed the subject.
“Why, yes it is!” Scout said proudly.
“Congratulations mate! In all me years I’ve never been able to find one. Yer a lucky rascal, ya know that?” Demoman was pretty impressed and slightly jealous.
“Well, thank you very much, Demoman. Just for those kind words, I’m gonna give you this!” Scout reached out to his backpack and grabbed the Strange Bottle he unboxed from the other crate.
“… For me?!” Demoman asked surprised.
“Yeah, I’m sure you’ll like it.” Scout laughed.
“Oh, great joy! This Strange Bottle o’ Scrumpy will last me a lifetime! I can’t thank ye enough lad!” Demoman gladly accepted the gift.
“Are you sure ya should continue drinking now that ya have finally cleared up a bit?” Applejack questioned.
“Quit with yer fancy logic! There ain’t no problem a good Scrumpy can’t fix!” He replied while chugging down the bottle that didn’t seem to get any emptier. Strange items were strange indeed.
“Where’s the rest?” Rainbow Dash asked Applejack.
“They’re playin’ soccer in Fluttershy’s front yard. Can’t ya hear the explosions?” Applejack sighed.
“Why would they…Nevermind. Anyway, why aren’t those dumb robots coming over here?” Dash asked once again.
“Ah, yes. I heard Spy talk about those walking tin cans. Apparently they’re afraid of sunlight!” Demoman explained.
“Oh, that makes our job a lot easier!” Scout got ready to finish those annoying Demoknights.
“Oh no, lad. I haven’t blown up anything in months! Let me have my part of the fun, please!” Demoman asked.
“Fine, go ahead. But I’m stepping in if you take too long.” Scout replied.
“Don’t worry about that, mate! LEEEEEEETS DOOO IT!” Demoman did his battle cry and rushed towards the robots still standing like scarecrows at the forest’s edge.
“....T'all you fine dandies so proud, so cock-sure, prancin' aboot with yer heads full of metal!” Demoman shouted as he started lobbing some sticky bombs towards the pack.
“Come and get me I say! I'll be waiting on ye with a whiff of the 'ol brimstone. I'm a grim bloody fable, with an unhappy bloody end!” Demoman really loved quoting himself. The robots, however, remained motionless.
*BOOM*
Demoman activated his sticky bombs, blowing up the entire pack resulting in raining parts of metal.
“Oh, they're going to have to glue ye back together... IN ROBOT-HELL!” Demoman laughed while staring down at the remains of his foes.
“What did I tell ye? Nothing to worry aboot! He-he.” He chuckled again, proclaiming himself victorious.
“Uhh, you missed the big guy, man.” Scout said.
“Eh? What bloody big guy?!” Demoman asked.
But then he stepped outside the forest. The leader of the robotic Demoknights armed with a Half-Zatoichi. He was at least twice the size of any other of the robots. As he stepped outside the boundaries of the forest, the sun started having a negative effect on its metal skin. He started glowing up, almost as if he was burning. But the Demoknight didn’t care one bit and just kept walking forward.
“Oh lord. This ain’t going to be pretty. Scout, hand me my backpack, please.” Demoman asked.
“What are ya gonna do? Just blow him up like ya did with the rest of em.” Applejack said.
“No, lass. Some situations ye can’t just take the easy way out. Ye gotta do the one thing yer heart desires most. For true glory… and honor.” Demoman said as he equipped his very own Half-Zatoichi paired with the Chargin’-Targe.
“Ah don’t want to see anypony get hurt… Or y’all aliens.” Applejack stated.
“Don’t worry, lass. I’m a bloody professional.” Demoman said and stepped forward with his katana, not looking back.
He stood in front of the robot Demoknight who stopped its movement. They were about thirty meters away from each other. A perfect range for a charging duel. They’d both charge at each other and collide in the middle. The one that would get the first hit would be the victor. The loser would not live to tell.
“HAAAAVE AT THEM!” Both Demo’s shouted and began their charge.
Full of confidence, Demoman looked forward. He had the power of Scrumpy, therefore, he wasn’t worried in the slightest.
Demoman prepared to strike, but he was never able to. He tripped over a small rock and landed face first against the dirty ground.
The robot, however, just kept charging and managed to launch himself extremely high up in to the sky with the use of Demoman’s body.
Then he exploded randomly. Demoman had won! These robots must’ve really hated the sun.
“Victory! Drinks for everyone around!” Demoman cheered.
“Weren’t ya scared that ya might’ve potentially died there?” Applejack asked.
“Died?! Lord no. If I’d die, me Mum would bloody kill me!” Demoman explained.
“… Let’s just get back to the house, shall we?” Applejack said. And so they did! With Scout and Rainbow Dash returned, surely things can only go uphill from here on out.
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
Heavy and super-mysterious pony. Somewhere at an unknown location.
“THE GREAT AND PO- I mean… I’d like to ask you if you’re happy with your newly acquired hat.” The pony asked.
“Da! Blue pony keeps promise. Was surprising to Heavy, but very good!” Heavy answered.
“So… You’re going to help me with my… little problem then?”
“Da! Little pony is now Heavy’s friend! We will have glorious times and adventures!”
“Good, good…” The pony started rubbing her hooves evilly. “He-he-he.” And she followed with a diabolical chuckle.
“Ha. Ha!” Heavy joined the laughter. “And Sandvich can be credit to team as well!” He stated.
“D-did you just pull that out of your pants? Throw that away. It’s dirty!”
“NJET! Do not insult Sandvich. If he is not credit to team, he will be credit to stomach.”
“Fine… keep your stupid sandwich. Come on, let’s go.”
And they walked off, as the citizens of Ponyville started getting ready for a new morning. Surely, nothing else would go wrong from this point out. It was all sunshine and happy times from now on!
Surely!
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

//-------------------------------------------------------//
                       5. Comrades.                        
//-------------------------------------------------------//
5. Comrades.
Team Fortress 2. Equestria’s Robot Invasion.  
Chapter 5. Comrades.
Canterlot, the moment the BLUs invaded/visited Equestria.
“Sister! What was that light?” Princess Luna asked, concern showed on her face. She had left not just a minute ago when suddenly a bright flashing beam of light could be briefly seen throughout the skies above Canterlot.
“I’m not certain, Luna. But I was able to sense a strong magical interference. I’m positive that there is more to this.” Princess Celestia answered.
“Should we… check it out, maybe?” Luna asked.
“Yes, of course. I will send our top Royal Guards to investigate the area immediately.” Celestia replied.
“That’s not what I meant. I mean… just you and me, like old times. Surely, it will be an exciting adventure!” Luna said excitedly.
“Are you serious, sister? As royalty, we can’t risk getting injured or abandon our posts. It is our duty to watch over all of Equestria.” Celestia replied with a serious tone.
“Exactly! And I’m certain that such an event as large-scaled as this can only produce an extremely dangerous outcome. A difficult task that perhaps even the Royal Guards will not be able to complete. That is why we, as the most powerful ponies in Equestria, must take action!” Luna explained.
“I suppose it makes some sense… If it means we’re securing the safety of every pony in Equestria.” Celestia reluctantly agreed.
“Yes, we do this to protect them! Come sister, follow me! I’m sure we will be able to overlook the situation better from over there.” Luna was so excited that she immediately took off.
“Luna, wait for me!” Celestia shouted as she followed her younger sister.
Slightly later.
Both Princesses flew stealthily through the air. It didn’t take long for them to spot their first abnormality. A strange gray creature was standing at the edge of the mountain with a baseball bat. It was about Luna’s size, but it stood on two legs.
“Sister! Quickly, hide!” Luna dragged Celestia with her in a nearby bush.
“Ah, Luna! I’d like to avoid getting dirty, please.” Celestia replied annoyed.
“Sssshhhh! We have to make sure if this ‘thing’ is dangerous or not.” Luna shushed her sister.
“Oh, come on, Luna. It’s just a harmless lost dimensional-traveling creature. I’m sure if we approach it, it’ll accept our help gratefully.” Celestia explained.
“Silence! I believe it’s doing something.” Luna said. They both kept their mouths shut for a second to hear what this strange gray being was up to.
“Need a teleporter here.” It shouted, standing in the distance.
“What did it say?” Celestia asked.
“Just some strange animal growls, I’m certain. Don’t pretend it’s able to speak Equestrian.” Luna replied.
“Yes…of course.”
“Need a dispenser here. BOOP.” The gray being shouted.
“What is it doing now?” Celestia wondered.
“I believe it is performing some sort of mating call. What fascinating creatures!” Luna said. Both sisters continued to observe the creature as it remained silent for a moment. Yet, after that small moment they were interrupted as the ground below them started rumbling. Not heavily, but it was noticeable. Something big was coming.
“We need a dispenser right here!”
“We need a dispenser right here!”
“We need a dispenser right here!”
“We need a dispenser right here!”
“We need a dispenser right here!”
At least fifty more similar creatures appeared out of nowhere. All were wearing a yellow hard-hat and carrying a large gray toolbox.
Once they arrived at the one carrying a bat, they started placing down multiple constructions made from metal simply by whacking their wrench into it.
“Erectin’ a dispenser!” Some of the hard-hatted ones shouted.
“Yeah, yeah!” The one with the bat was looking pretty pleased.
Once they finished the construction their buildings, the hard-hatted ones jumped on top of them and started dancing and laughing out loud.
At this moment another lone similar creature that was wearing a fashionable hat rather than a hard-hat came running up to his companions, also carrying a toolbox.
“Teleporter coming right up!” He shouted excitedly.
“Nope.”
“Nope.”
“Nah.”
“Nope.”
“Nah.”
“No way!”
“Nope.”
“Nope.”
“Nah.”
All of the gray creatures seemed displeased by this.
The one that had built the teleport was pretty upset by his companions’ disapproval and was determined to show it.
“Dag-nabbit. Damn it! Woaaaaaaaaaah!” He decided to throw himself of the mountain.
The other gray creatures started laughing out loud and for some reason decided to jump right after him. Within twenty-seconds, more than fifty of these beings had dropped down to their death. It was tragic to say the least. The constructions made by them blew up into pieces shortly after.
“S-sister… What did we just witness?” Luna asked shocked.
“I… I have no idea. But we shall not forget the heroism of these… strange beings.” Celestia replied.
“Heroism? They’re completely insane!”
“Do not worry sister, they’re gone anyway.”
“No, something is off! And we’re going to figure this out. I’ve seen plenty of strange creatures in my life, but never one with red-glowing eyes and weird metal bodies!” Luna stated.
“What do you propose we do?” Celestia asked.
“First you must fully raise the sun, for the time has come for that. We must be sure that none of these potential threats have already invaded Canterlot, and if not, keep them confined to the Everfree Forest where they may not cause any harm to anypony. Then, we will be able to take further action.” Luna explained.
“It amazes me how you’re able to come up with anything at all in such a stressful situation.” Celestia complimented her younger sister.
“Your praise is much appreciated, sister. But there’s no time for that. I already sense a sinister presence within Canterlot.” Luna said.
“Then we must return immediately!” Celestia replied. And both Princesses flew off, hoping they would be in time to stop this presumably dangerous presence.
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
Present time. Twilight Sparkle and Engineer at the Mayor’s office.
Mayor Mare sighed. “Do you have any idea how complicated you’re making things, Twilight?" She asked.
“Yes… I understand I’m asking for a lot. But we can’t just leave them to die. Can we?” Twilight said.
“It’s only seven in the morning and I’ve already received several complaints regarding noise, property damage, and strange sightings.” Mayor Mare pointed out.
“Yes, I’m aware that they’re slightly out of place. But I’m certain they’ve cooled off by now. And besides, we’ve got most of them gathered away from Ponyville, at Fluttershy’s cottage.” Twilight desperately attempted to convince the Mayor.
“Ma’am. Ah can assure you that me an’ mah team mean no harm to y’all ponies. We’re jus’ here temporarily due to some freak accident. Once Saxton Hale clears everything up back on Earth, Ah’m sure that things will be back to normal again.” Engineer said. Apparently, he was in the room as well.
“Saxton…Hale…That’s a silly name!” The Mayor said.
“That don’t matter! What Ah’m saying is that ya don’t have to worry about us one bit. Nothing ain’t gonna happen, Ah guarantee ya that.” Engineer said.
“I see…I will allow you and your ‘team’ to temporarily take refuge in Ponyville while you attempt to find a way back home. But there are some conditions.” Mayor Mare said.
“Shoot.”
“First of all, I want Twilight to reveal you all to the town first before you all start walking around as if you’re home. Secondly, you’re paying for all the damage caused last night.” She stated.
“Ah’m afraid our currency ain’t worth nothing here. But ah can repair it with mah own two hands!” Engineer said proudly.
“Ah, that’s fine as well then. Also, if you like building so much, you can build yourself and your crew a house. There’s no free room currently in Ponyville so you’ll have to figure out where you’re staying for now. Maybe get a job or something, hmm?” The Mayor said.
“Are ya serious? Ah’ve already explained the robot situation. Ain’t that enough?” Engineer said. He was pretty upset by this.
“Spare me your wild robot theories! I won’t believe such a thing before I see it with my own eyes.” The Mayor stated.
“But Mayor…We’re talking with an alien as we speak. Don’t you think an army of robots in the Everfree Forest doesn’t sound so farfetched?” Twilight added.
“Please, Twilight. I have enough to worry about at the moment! You just take care of these ‘humans’ and notify the Princess as soon as possible. Do you understand?” The Mayor ordered.
“Yes, Mayor.” Twilight replied.
“Good. Be on your way then, I have lots of work to attend to!”
So Twilight and Engineer left the Town Hall. Things turned out better than expected, even though the Mayor didn’t particularly like the idea of nine aliens living in her town. But she guessed it would be against pony morals to let them helplessly wander around in the forest.
Outside. Trixie and Heavy.
“Are you ready? Trixie asked Heavy.
“Da! Heavy will crush good friend’s enemy.” He responded.
“And you’re sure they won’t recognize you?”
“Da. I am master of disguise, do not worry.” Heavy said as he put on some sunglasses and placed a wig of a hairdo that belongs to the sixties on his bald head.
“Good, good… Then I’ll be waiting. Trixie is counting on you!” Trixie replied. “Remember! It’s the purple unicorn! You’ll recognize her by her ‘evil’ ways.”
Engineer and Twilight.
“So, what’s next?” Engineer asked.
“You heard the mayor, we’ll have to gather your team and properly introduce them to Ponyville to avoid any potential panic among the citizens.” Twilight replied.
“Ya saw the guys at the cottage. Just Spy and Heavy are still missing. Ah wouldn’t worry to much about Spy… But Heavy’s a guy that’s hard to miss.” Engineer stated.
“Then it’s our top priority to retrieve him as soon as possible. We’ll regroup in the center of town and start looking in every direction from there.”
“Sounds like a plan. Lead the way, ma’am.”
“Certainly. We’ll just have to pass this inconspicuous, dark, scary-looking alley.” Twilight said.
“Alrighty then!” Engineer replied without a care in the world, but he knew the last time he entered a seemingly deserted alley didn’t end pretty with Soldier living in his dumpster. He had a similar unsettling feeling right now.
“W-WHAT THE HECK IS THAT!” Engineer shouted worried.
“…It’s just a garbage can.” Twilight sighed.
“Oh, okay. Nothin’ to worry about then.” Engineer said relieved. Still, it was an awfully big garbage can compared to these ponies. You’d think they’d have every object in this world slightly smaller.
Both passed the garbage can, not noticing the lid was slowly opening. The distinct sound of shells reloading a shotgun could be faintly heard by Engineer. He wanted to turn around, but it was already too late.
“You, yes YOU! You are dead!” The garbage man said while keeping the shotgun on his shoulders.
“… Heavy, what the heck are you doing? We’ve been looking all over for you!” Engineer said laughing. Heavy’s disguise was simply ridiculous.
“I am not Heavy. I am Gustav of great nation of Ukraine.” He responded.
“Heavy… It’s obviously you.”
“Njet.”
“Could you two wrap this up? I’m glad we found one of the missing humans, but we still have a lot of work to do.” Twilight said.
“Yeah, cut the crap, Heavy. Jus’ grab yer gun and let’s go.” Engineer ordered.
“Njet. You are all dead!” Gustav jumped out the garbage can and started to approach the two.
“What’s the big idea, mister?!” Engineer was getting annoyed at this point.
“You are dead first! Then other puny men from BLU!”
“What the heck are ya talkin’ about?” Engineer was also starting to get confused.
“Is there… some sort of problem? He’s not going to hurt ponies… is he?” Twilight asked concerned.
“Njet. We will not hurt little defenseless creatures. But strong ones must die… we will find strong ones, all of them.”
“Heavy… you?” Engineer was at a loss for words. Luckily the silence was quickly interrupted.
“What do you mean you aren’t going to hurt her? That’s not what our agreement was about!” A voice shouted from atop one of the nearby roofs, and shorty after was teleported behind them.
“Trixie?!” Twilight said confused.
“Yes, it is I. The Great and Powerful Trixie!” She replied proudly.
“Ya know this loud-mouth?” Engineer asked.
“Yes, I’ve had some small misunderstandings with her in the past… I don’t think she really like me.” Twilight explained.
“You don’t say…”
“And you! Trixie even paid you! How dare you disobey Trixie’s orders?!” She pointed at Heavy.
He just grunted in return.
“What were you planning, Trixie?” Twilight asked.
“Oh… Trixie supposes she can confess now because HE ruined everything.” The blue unicorn took a deep breath.
“Trixie had not forgotten about the Ursa Minor incident. The endless shame and humiliation that I’ve suffered… Trixie will never forgive you for that!”
“But nothing really changed, it wa-” Twilight was interrupted.
“DOOOON’T INTERUPT TRIXIE’S STORY! First the humiliation, which resulted in my banishment away from Ponyville!”
“You weren’t banished. You were welcome to return at any time.” Twilight stated.
“AND THEN TRI… Wait, what?” Trixie stopped talking for a second.
“Yeah. You could’ve come back any time you wanted to.”
“… Okay. But Trixie still had suffered a terrible humiliation! And I was blamed for the actions of those two brats!”
“No pony blames you for what happened. It was extremely irresponsible of Snips and Snails to lure an Ursa Minor to Ponyville. So they were punished for their actions. Every pony knows it wasn’t your fault bringing that creature in.” Twilight explained again.
“… IT STILL DOESN’T MATTER! You still prevented Trixie from having her moment of glory that day by stepping in. Your actions are unforgivable!” She shouted.
“Oh come on, Trixie. Can’t we just drop this whole silly thing?” Twilight laughed sheepishly.
“Ma’am. Ah hate to interrupted yer little argument. But could ya tell me why Heavy’s acting so strange?” Engineer joined in on the conversation.
“What? Oh… yes. Trixie paid him to give Twilight a rough lesson about payback. Unfortunately he’s useless, just look at him! Just standing there, completely clueless to what’s going on around him. At first Trixie thought he was a funny guy… but now.” She said.
“Hmm. That don’t sound like Heavy at all. Everything all right, pardner?” Engineer asked.
But the Russian remained motionless and speechless since the moment Trixie arrived.
“Yatatataaaa. Yatatatat, come sing with me!” They suddenly heard Heavy’s voice singing. But it was distant. Things got even stranger as they saw Heavy walking towards them… even though he was right next to the group.
“Oh no! Is Heavy late?” He asked.
“Uhh… What’s going on?” Twilight asked confused.
“Ah! I see little purple pony! BAD PONY! You must not tease my new comrade!” Heavy poked Twilight Sparkle.
“Hey, stop that!” The purple unicorn complained.
“There. Mission is complete now. Now tell Heavy why there is Spy here.” He asked.
Engineer wasn’t listening. He was busy brainstorming. He couldn’t believe that he didn’t figure it out before after all those years spend with the BLUs. It was obvious, seeing as he was acting so suspicious, but he should’ve known better.
Everyone is a Spy. Everyone.
“Mentlegen.” The fake Heavy revealed himself to be a gray Spycrab.
Phew, it was just a Spycrab. They almost got slightly worried there. Engineer just laughed it off, but saw this as an opportunity for the cause of the greater good.
“BY GOD! It’s a Spah-crab! Those things are the most dangerous beings in existence in our world. Best brace yourself ma’am, cause it’s coming right for you!” Engineer shouted to Trixie.
“W-what?! Those things are dangerous?” She asked slightly worried.
The Spycrab meanwhile started showing off his mad crab-walking skills. Fear would soon enough take over their hearts. The gray robot was sure of that.
“Uhh… Engineer. What are you doing? I’ve encountered one of those things before and all it did was walk around circles and bump into walls.” Twilight whispered.
“Exactly, they’re harmless. But that gal doesn’t know about that. Take this opportunity to ‘save’ her and hopefully she’ll drop this stupid rivalry thing.” Engineer explained.
“What?! Do you have any how ridiculous that sounds? The chances of something that improbable happening are close to zero!” She stated.
“Ah don’t care! It always works in the movies, Ah’m sure it’ll work here as well. Ah’m also pretty sure that ya can shoot a magic laser beam or two with that horn of yers. Just aim for the core. It’s just a lifeless robot so no one will judge ya for it. It’s like beating up an old refrigerator.” Engineer laughed. Twilight still thought this was stupid.
“W-what should I do?!” Trixie asked concerned, still clueless about the Spycrabs worthlessness.
“OH, NO! IT SEEMS AH’VE DROPPED MAH WRENCH! Sorry, ma’am. Ah can’t help you right now.” Engineer said.
“What?! Puny Spy must not attack my new comrade! HEAVY WILL CRUSH COWA-” The Russian was interrupted.
“Dag-nabbit, Heavy! Don’t interfere. Ah usually think twice about things, but Ah’m sure things will work out this time. My gut’s telling me so. Let the ponies handle it themselves, trust them!” Engineer whispered to Heavy.
“… I do not want new little pony friend to get hurt, but I will trust Engineer. He is right… most of time.” Heavy sighed. “OOOOH NOOO! Sasha! I dropped giant gun on my feet! Heavy can’t help as well!” He shouted.
“W-what?! Please, help me! It’s coming right at me!” Trixie started to get more nervous by the second as the Spycrab slowly started approaching her.
And it was terrifying. The blank cold stare it had with its red bright glowing eyes. The cigarette it smoked, even though it was just a metal construction. The odd way of walking that should’ve definitely been in a horror movie.
“H-help!” Trixie begged one last time before the Spycrab reached her.
*ZAP*
Twilight Sparkle managed to pull of one of her famous laser beams that she performed earlier at the Canterlot Wedding. It was a direct hit against the robot’s ‘heart’. Its body immediately started disintegrating, but fortunately its head remained.
“What a disaster!” The robot said.
“I still don’t think it’s going to work.” Twilight sighed.
“Just you watch, ma’am.” Engineer said.
Trixie stood there in awe. She thought she was in a life-threatening situation where two of the large humans were unable to grab in. Yet, Twilight Sparkle… She stepped in without hesitating for even a second.
“Why…” She asked.
“What do you mean?” Twilight replied.
“Why would you help me… after Trixie said those terrible things about you?” She asked.
“… I’d help every pony who needs help. It’s no big deal, really.” The purple unicorn said humbly.
“Yes! It is a big deal! Trixie is eternally grateful for your help! Perhaps one day Trixie can call you… a friend.”
“That would be nice, Trixie.” Twilight smiled.
“Told ya it would work!” Engineer bragged. Twilight facehoofed, but she didn’t complain.
“Yes! The Great and Powerful Trixie is pleased as well!” The blue unicorn cheered.
“C-could you please stop talking like that?” Twilight asked as she was getting annoyed by Trixie’s way of talking in the third person.
“WHAT?! HOW DARE YOU!” Heavy suddenly shouted.
“Ah! W-what? It’s just a normal request.” Twilight backed away slightly startled.
“NJET! I thought this was very happy place with many good ponies. Heavy thought little ponies would accept each other no matter what! But if purple pony cannot tolerate my comrade’s beautiful way of talking, then I am dissapoint!” Heavy stated.
“That’s right, ma’am. We gotta put up with Pyro’s mumblings and Heavy’s shouting as well. Consider yourself lucky.” Engineer added.
“Fine! I’m sorry, Trixie. You can talk however you want!” Twilight might’ve sounded slightly annoyed, but she knew there was some sense in Heavy’s words.
“Huzzah! Trixie is pleased once again!” She cheered.
“Yaahahaa! We are all comrades now!” Heavy joined the cheer.
“Then can we PLEASE continue now? We’re already way off schedule.” Twilight complained.
“What about little Spy-head?” The Russian asked.
“Hmm… We might as well take him with us for some… hehehe… interrogating.” Engineer chuckled. Surely, the Spycrab would be able to provide them with some information.
“How can you interrogate a robot…? Never mind, can we just please go now?” Twilight asked one more time.
“Sure thing, ma’am! You’re the boss!” Engineer said.
“And Trixie will come along as well!” Trixie stated.
“Hmm, I think it’s best to write the Princesses a letter first. I’m sure they’ll want to know what’s happening.” Twilight said. Making writing a letter to Celestia and Luna was their next top priority, surely they will be able to help.
Canterlot. Present time.
Things weren’t looking pretty when both sisters arrived back at Canterlot. They were taken over before they even had a chance to react.
The gray metal strange creatures were roaming around freely in the capital of Equestria, yet secluding themselves to the shadows behind buildings or forested areas. The sun was their enemy. But it didn’t take long for the town to erupt in complete chaos. Ponies were running for their lives as they encountered any of the random creatures.
“Sister! We’re severely outnumbered. I’m aware that they’re completely useless and don’t pose that much of a threat. But these numbers, it’s beyond ridiculous!” Luna shouted.
“I’m afraid that even we won’t be able to stop such a large amount without risking injuring one of our own subjects. We will have to evacuate the town as soon as possible!” Celestia stated.
“JUSTICE!”
“What was that, Tia? It sounded like some pony shouting.” Luna asked.
*BOOM*
A loud explosion followed.
“That can’t be good! Let us make haste and take note of what is happening.” Celestia replied.
As soon as they turned the corner, they were surprised by what they were seeing. It wasn’t a pony, but it was hairy. It resembled the gray creatures slightly. But there was literally hair everywhere, especially under its nose. The ‘thing’ was punching the robots to bits with just his bare claw-like things.
It didn’t take long for him to notice the presence of both Princesses nearby. It turned around slowly, revealing a face that showed nothing but courage, determination, and guts.
“Princess Celestia, Princess Luna. I’m honored.” It spoke.
“You know of who we are?” Celestia asked.
“Yes… I know everything of this place. It’s quite popular, you see.” He said.
“Then what brings you here?” Luna asked.
“Hmm. For adventure! To restore the name of the brilliant Mann Co. But most importantly, I come with a message for some of my employees, but one to you as well.”
“Then… who are you?” As powerful as Celestia was, this creature’s aura produced something far more frightening then she could ever imagine. It would be best to listen to his demands, or else who knows what he might be capable of. She could also judge from the fact that he was punching robots to bits that he’s not on the gray beings’ side.
“Australian. CEO of Mann Co. And the man who’s burning this place to the ground if he doesn’t get what he wants!” He stated.
Celestia sighed. “Luna. You calm down the civilians. Let them know the gray creatures shouldn’t be feared, but it’s best not to approach them. Deal with that as I will listen to this man’s story.”
And Luna did just so while Celestia made her way back to the castle with the not so mysterious man.
With both Princesses now aware of the situation, accompanied by our new strange visitor, surely we will get some answers soon.
Or maybe not!
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

//-------------------------------------------------------//
                    6. Property Damage.                    
//-------------------------------------------------------//
6. Property Damage.
Team Fortress 2. Equestria’s Robot Invasion.  
Chapter 6. Property Damage.
Ten minutes had passed since Princess Celestia had escorted the stranger to her throne room, but no words were spoken yet. She was literally blown away by this creature’s mustache. It was that amazing.
The man snapped his fingers to release Celestia from the hypnotizing powers of his mustache. “Don’t worry, I get that a lot.” He said.
“Yes… yes. So, tell me your name, visitor.” Celestia replied.
“Saxton Hale, Human, Australian, CEO of Ma-” He was interrupted.
“Yes, you mentioned that already. Just the name is fine. Mr. Hale, is it?”
“Please! Mr. Hale is my father! Call me Saxton… Hale!” He replied while shouting.
Celestia facehoofed. “Fine, Saxton Hale. Tell me, what brings you to our world?” She asked.
“Ah, yes. That’s a story full of action, drama, romance, and plenty of gore! It all started one faithful day when I was skinning a crocodile. I was four years old at that time, but then those damn British cyborg-kangaroos attacked! I had a Bowie-knife, of course, but true men only let their fists do the talking! So I leapt into the air and p-” Saxton Hale was cut off there.
“Could you perhaps just tell me the short version? I have a kingdom to rule here.” Celestia asked, clearly annoyed.
“Ah, My apologies! But you can’t decline a man for looking back at his beloved memories.” Saxton pinked away a small tear.
Celestia didn’t know how to react so another awkward silence followed.
“Ah yes, the reason why I’m here… Merasmus the Magician and Helen accidentally transported their entire supply of wimpy robot-mercenaries here. The guys dressed in gray that are all around your capital, you know!” Saxton said.
“Yes. Their presence here in Equestria is… unsettling. I’d like to dispose of them as quickly as possible.” Princess Celestia replied.
“Of course! But don’t be alarmed. They’re all designed by the Mann Co to be child-friendly. They won’t attack or harm any target smaller than Scout, unless provoked of course.”
“And how can we… get rid of them?” Celestia asked.
“Crush them, one at a time. Which brings me to my next point. Not just these harmless robot-warriors have invaded this lovely world. Oh no! There is also a group of true men. The BLUs! Their determination to complete their goal is beyond normal levels. I even slightly admire those guys for their guts!” Saxton could only speak with pride of the former Mann Co employees.
“Alright, then who are these BLUs?”
“Mercenaries, nine of them, all specialized in their own unique way to deal with any situation. More than fifty years of war-experience made them extremely violent, insane and unpredictable.”
“Goodness! That doesn’t sound good at all.” Celestia replied worriedly.
Saxton just laughed as manly as he was able to. “Ha! Better get used to it, because they’re going to be staying here for a while!” He stated.
“What?!”
“Those great men will provide Equestria their services for a limited time. They will single-handedly destroy every dirty robot that dares to show its face. I assure you, they’re professionals!”
“I don’t care. I find the very idea of nine murderers living in our kingdom despicable. I won’t allow such a thing to happen.” Celestia said
“I see… Then how are you going to get rid of the robots, hmm?” Saxton asked.
“You said yourself that they’re not dangerous at all. The Royal Guard’s should be able to take care of it. And if that’s not enough, my sister and I will take action ourselves.” Celestia said.
“Alright, why don’t you try?”
“… What are you hiding, Saxton Hale?”
“Hmm, you’re smart, as predicted. Yes, the truth is that you’re all unable to get rid of these robots. You’ll be able to destroy them, sure. But these robots are built with Australium and powered by Merasmus’s magic. They’ll be able to infinitely rebuild themselves over time. Only licensed weapons built by the Mann Co are able to stop them indefinitely.”
“So the ones that you’ve crushed with to bits earlier with just your bare-hands will come back as well?” Celestia asked. Surely, there must be a flaw in this ridiculous logic.
“They’re fists. And no, I’ve punched those guys into oblivion. I’m slightly… superior.” Saxton explained humbly.
“Ah. That makes perfect sense. But I still don’t like the idea of these nine unstable outsiders residing in Equestria. It just sounds like something simply waiting to go wrong.” Celestia sighed.
“Hehe. The BLUs have actually already arrived in Ponyville several hours ago. Surely, if something went wrong there, your faithful student Twilight Sparkle would have let you know, wouldn’t she? Just trust the BLUs, that’s what I decided to do.” Saxton informed.
“How… do you know so much about us?” Celestia asked, slightly concerned that this guy was a stalker or something.
“Oh, that’s simple. You’re all figments of a person’s imagination created for a television show for kids that’s enjoyed by all ages. We’ve all been able to watch the ponies’ adventures for quite a while!” Saxton stated bluntly.
“That sounds ridiculous… Do you expect me to believe such a thing?” Celestia responded.
“What if I told you… that I was just created by someone’s imagination as well in a completely different universe.” Saxton said with a mysterious tone.
“You’re confusing me more every second now.”
“And what if I told you… there was one crazy guy that smokes way too much weed that decided to take these ideas, throw everything together, and randomly toss in some robots at the last moment to expand the lifespan of this story!”
“What story? What are you talking about?!”
“Hmm… yes. Maybe it’s irrelevant. But I think I’ve made my point clear. The BLUs are staying here until I’m able to fix everything back home.”
“What exactly needs fixing?” Celestia wondered.
“Ah, yes. The BLUs goal is to eventually be able to live their lives the way they intended it to be. Back to the old good times, where more than enough blood was spilled every day. But for that they’d need a special device constructed by one of the mercenaries that’s been taken away from them. A device named the Respawn, something that would allow them to recreate their bodies each time that they’ve died.” Saxton explained.
“That sounds like you’re playing god.” Celestia concluded. “Who would want such a thing?”
“For some people… fighting is all they have. Don’t take that away from these brave men. I will return to my own world now in order to retrieve the Respawn as soon as possible, while the BLU will remain here cleaning up the robot invasion. You’ll be grateful in the end, and surely it will become interesting.”
“Fine, I will allow them to stay here. But one mishap could end up very unfortunate for all of them. As long they’re living in our kingdom, they’re required to abide by our rules.”
“Yes, I understand. Don’t worry, the BLUs are mighty fine fellas. I’m sure they’ll obey! Those REDs on the other hand… or was it the BLUs? I can’t quite remember.” Saxton sighed.
“How long will it take for you to return with this strange device?” Celestia asked.
“Ah, yes. Unfortunately, the Administrator sold the Respawn to a group of wealthy business-ninjas in the east. It won’t be an easy task retrieving it, but I will return in due time to keep in touch and provide valuable information.”
“Good. Is there anything else then?”
“Yes, three more things. We’ve had many designs for the robots built by several teams that were hired rashly by the Mann Co. The end product isn’t exactly as we expected them to be. There was even one designer that wanted to make vampires out of them, which explains their weakness to the sun. But there is much more to them. At night they're running at full capacity, making them at least three times stronger, faster and more reactive. When encountered as a squad they should still be avoided at all cost, regardless of how strong you are. Let the BLUs take care of those.”
Princess Celestia already started writing this information down. The magic she used did not impress Saxton Hale in the slightest.
“Do not ever provide the BLUs any kind of headgear. They take these accessories a bit too seriously.”
“Don’t provide hats. Check.” Celestia stated.
“And lastly, don’t EVER let the BLU know that I was here!” Saxton stated.
“Why not? I’m sure that they’d like to know if an acquaintance of them is around.” Celestia wondered.
“Hmm. It might crush their determination and willpower if they find out there’s an easy way out of here. Then they might stop fighting the robots all together. I’d like to avoid that, preferably. And besides, I’m interested in seeing how they’re reacting to this environment.” Saxton explained.
Celestia sighed one more time, knowing this was a terrible idea, but nonetheless she agreed!
“The sun is shining at its brightest right now. You and your sister should drive the robots that have taken refuge in Canterlot away from here towards the Everfree Forest and let my men take care of the rest. I will leave you with that.” Saxton said.
“So you’re leaving now?” Celestia asked.
“Yes! But I will return soon enough. Have a good day!” Saxton gave Celestia a quick salute.
Princess Celestia took a step back. She was interested in seeing how this human was able to travel between worlds so easily. It had to be an extremely difficult task that would require many hours of conjuring and focusing magic.
“INTERDIMENSIONAL BRAAAAAAAAAAVE JUMP!” Saxton leapt up into the air and crashed through the palace’s roof leaving it crumbling to pieces.
Princess Celestia facehoofed. “Or he just simply jumps away, figures.” She sighed.
Anyway, work had to be done immediately. She, Luna, and the Royal Guards should be able to dispose of the robots that have already started invading Canterlot and throw them off of the mountain or something so that they’ll stay secluded to the Everfree Forest.
But these BLUs… Apparently they were already in Ponyville. She was curious about them, and would like to meet them in person. First thing’s first.
Write a letter to her faithful student Twilight Sparkle, of course!
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
Ponyville.
“So ya live in a tree with a fire-breathing lizard? That don’t sound safe at all!” Engineer expressed his concern to Twilight as they arrived at her library along with Trixie and Heavy. It was Twilight’s intention to inform the Princess as soon as possible on the current events.
“Hey! I’m a dragon if you didn’t know.” Spike explained, somewhat angry. Apparently, he wasn’t amazed in any way by these strange humans.
“I do not know… Is awfully little to be called dragon.” Heavy added.
“Dude! Once I’m fully grown up I’ll be even bigger than you!” Spike informed.
“DA! IS VERY GOOD DRAGON! You may be little now, but one day you might be even greater than mighty Godzilla!” Heavy shouted.
“Exactly! I don’t know who this Zilla fellow is, but I’ll be much better th-” Spike suddenly stopped mid-sentence as he felt a familiar feeling coming up his throat.
*Burp*
Along with his loud belch, he summoned some small green flames and a sealed scroll, a letter written by royalty.
“Is not nuclear flames yet, but it is a start.” Heavy sighed, showing his disappointment by the dragon’s performance.
“N-no! It’s a letter from the Princess. Twilight, a letter!” Spike called.
“WHAT!? But I just started writing my own letter to the Princess… Fine, show it to me please, Spike.” Twilight replied.
Spike handed over the letter and Twilight Sparkle started reading the entire thing out loud. Apparently she never heard of Student-Teacher confidentially.
___________________________________  
My faithful student, Twilight Sparkle,
My sister and I are already aware of the situation involving strange visitors roaming around in Equestria.
I’m speaking, of course, of the robot invasion. Recent research has shown us that they’re not particularly dangerous unless approached and provoked. They are to still to be avoided at all cost.
We are also aware of the ‘humans’ that have currently taken refuge in Ponyville. I can’t say that I like the idea of this, but my judgment can’t be based on just suspicions.
I would like one of these humans, along with an escort of their choice, to travel towards Canterlot as soon as possible and act as a spokesperson.
Know that this event could very well determine the future of these ‘friendly’ visitors. So make sure they pick the right person for the job.
I will be expecting a human at my palace preferably today or tomorrow. This is important and it involves the wellbeing of all the citizens in Ponyville. I really would like to know what we’re dealing with.
Please make haste, Twilight Sparkle.
-Princess Celestia.  
__________________________
“Well you heard what the Princess had to say, Engineer. It looks like we’re going to travel to Canterlot and straighten this whole mess out.” Twilight said with a sigh.
“Nope! Ya heard how angry that lady sounds? Ah really can’t be bothered to deal with that, especially since yer mayor didn’t seem to like me either. Besides, mah Sentry-Guns will break down if Ah go too far from them.” Engineer replied.
“I understand that it might seem scary… but who else of your team can be capable of interacting with royalty?” Twilight asked.
“Trixie will go along with Hoovy, he has already proven himself to be completely capable of following demands. We are obviously the right ones for the job!” Trixie said determinedly.
“H-Hoovy?!” Heavy asked confused.
“Yes. That’s your new name. Trixie didn’t like the old one.” Trixie replied.
“Njet!” Heavy counter-replied.
Twilight Sparkle facehoofed again. She had done that an awful lot lately. But stupidity aside, Trixie and Heavy weren’t exactly the ideal ponies… or people for a task this important.
“Okay… I propose we gather every pony and human we have right now and discuss this as well-behaved adults. You heard the Princess, it could determine all of your futures so you might want to consider being on your best behavior from now on!” Twilight lectured to Heavy and Engineer.
“Da… Sparkle pony.” Heavy replied obediently.
“Yes, ma’am, But Ah still got this Spycrab’s head in mah backpack that Ah want to interrogate for some more information regarding our enemy.” Engineer reminded.
“Yes, well, your stupid robot games will have to wait for a moment and we have to focus on what’s really important. You said yourself that they’re afraid of sunlight, which gives us the entire day to prepare, since it’s only morning. I think letting the Princess know that you’re not dangerous lunatics is more important at the moment than some robots hiding in the forest, where barely any pony goes. And since you said you’re all ‘professionals’, you can handle some extra robots without any problems, can’t you?” Twilight said.
“If ya put it that way… sure!” Engineer chuckled a bit.
“Great, then let’s go!” Twilight said, taking charge once again.
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
Fluttershy’s cottage.
Yes, a lot of things had happened since the last scene at this place. The violent football match had ended without a clear winner, injuries weren’t that bad thanks to Medic’s Medigun, but the mental scars some had suffered during the event would never fade.
But morale was still pretty high and they were ready for more nonsense.
Pyro had, at this point, put a plunger atop his head and wore it as a hat. He had given his old beanie to Pinkie Pie to wear. Of course, she could only ‘borrow’ it, but she was happy about it nonetheless. Maybe she’d treat him to some cupcakes and other sweets later, even if she wasn’t sure if he was even able to eat with all that equipment on.
They were both still happily kicking the burned, exploded, and flat football around without a care in the world.
Soldier and Derpy weren’t doing much interesting. Poor Derpy Hooves was still in shock of the ridiculously over the top football match they held earlier. This wasn’t any game she was used to playing, as there were way too many explosions.
Luckily, Soldier was around to comfort the slightly frightened gray Pegasus.
“You wouldn’t mind holding these grenades, would you?” Soldier asked.
“Grenades? Sure.” Derpy agreed without knowing what the hay a grenade was. They looked like rusty old cans attached to a string for some reason. Probably some weird alien technology, she guessed.
“Good… I just have to check on the rest of my equipment, see what kind of arsenal I have at my disposal. We can’t let our guard down with all these robots around!” Soldier explained as he opened his backpack.
“Uhh, alright!” Derpy replied.
“Hmm… Cow Mangler 5000, Black Box, Liberty Launcher, Gunboats. Seems like everything is pretty much here… WAIT, WHAT’S THAT!”
“AH! WHAT?!” Derpy responded, slightly startled from Soldier’s random reaction. Because of this, she accidentally dropped the grenades on the ground.
“Oh, it’s just another Market Gardener! Thank god, because I lost the one that I used earlier.” Soldier explained.
*CLICK*
“By the flag, maggot! Did you drop those grenades on purpose?!” Soldier’s war instincts immediately started kicking in as soon he heard that sound.
“What? No, you just scared me!” Derpy replied, unsure of what was going on.
“Sweet mother of god! TAKE COOOVER!” Soldier shouted as he grabbed Derpy and quickly hid behind the cottage.
“What… why are we running away now?” Derpy asked confused.
“You just dropped an extremely sensitive explosive device, maggot! In a few seconds, those grenades will blow everything to bits within a twenty yard radius!” Soldier said as he kneeled down and started covering his ears.
Half a minute later still nothing had happened.
“Are you sure it will explode?” Derpy asked.
“Any minute now!” Soldier repeated, still covering his ears.
Ten minutes later, nothing happened.
“Any… minute now.” Soldier was still certain.
“Dummkopf! You had to give back your grenades years ago when we were fired!” Medic finally decided to stop this because it was getting pretty depressing to watch.
“Then what did we just drop?” Soldier asked.
“Zhey’re literally old rusty cans zhat you collected from your… dumpster.” Medic sighed.
“Oh, yeah… I forgot all about that!” Soldier said. He proceeded to continue checking his inventory along with Derpy again.
“Dummkopf! Vhy are you so dumb?!” Medic shouted at Soldier.
“…You shouldn’t tell your friends that they’re dumb…” A quiet voice advised.
“Vhat? I vas just pointing out ze obvious. Tell me, fraulein. Vhat is your name?” Medic asked.
“Fluttershy… I..uhhm… live here.” The cream colored Pegasus answered silently.
“Well zhen, Fluttershy. Vould you also tell me zhat friends should not keep secrets from each other, hmm?” Medic asked.
“Oh, of course! Being friends is all about being able to trust each other.” Fluttershy said.
“And I just told my friend zhat he is stupid. Now it is no longer a secret. You should not take small insults among our group zhis seriously. He is not bothered with it in ze slightest.” Medic explained.
“I still think it’s awfully rude…”
“OI, BIG HEAD, I’m Sniper! Sniping’s a good job, mate!” The Australian decided to randomly join the conversation.
“Eep!” Fluttershy quickly squeaked her way out of there. She fainted one-second later.
“… DUMMKOPF!” Medic slapped Sniper on the back of his head, causing his hat to fall off. “And sometimes insulting zhem is necessary to keep them in their place.” He added.
“Oi… It’s just that… everyone seems to be having fun with some big-head pony. Ya didn’t even include me in that football game. I’m bloody insulted here, mate!” Sniper explained.
“I don’t care. Go find your pony friend elsewhere… Didn’t you say zhat you didn’t like ze ponies earlier, anyway?” Medic asked.
“Yeah… that’s true. But I just want to have some fun! Haven’t had any of that in bloody years.” Sniper said with a small tear in his eye.
“… Nein. Go away.” Medic took the fainted Fluttershy with him.
Sniper was insulted once again, and decided to perform a sad musical number in his personal honor, hoping that one day even he would be able to find a friend! Unfortunately, no one seemed to have heard him.
Demoman, Scout, Rainbow Dash, and Applejack remained back inside the cottage, so they didn’t really notice or pay attention to what was going outside.
Demoman, who was all of a sudden a highly sophisticated gentleman wearing a Noble Assessment of Hats, hoped to compete with Scout’s newly acquired unusual.
One would not even be able to tell that the Scotsman was completely wasted from all the Scrumpy and Vodka he consumed earlier. Remember how he fought off multiple robotic Demoknights earlier? Well, he sure as hell didn’t, so looks can deceive!
“An’ that’s how I lost me eye! What a story, don’t ye think?” Demoman said.
“What darned story? Ya just said that one line after being quiet for ten minutes.” Applejack replied.
“Bloody hell… I thought I was talking out loud. Don’t worry! I know just the thing to cure that.” Demoman proceeded to chug more from his everlasting bottle of Scrumpy.
Applejack sighed once again, hoping the Scotsman would change his strange habits soon, because it was almost impossible to have a normal conversation with him right now.
Scout and Rainbow Dash were meanwhile holding a bragging contest or something similar. Scout told some nonsense story about him being selected for the 2012 Olympics but he gracefully declined explaining that the competition was too low for him.
Rainbow Dash kept talking off how she was the greatest flyer in Equestria, yet she still aimed to join a certain group called the Wonderbolts. Quite odd to join a group of other Pegasi if she was already the fastest pony around. But we’re not here to question such silly things, besides there was no time for that right now because Twilight Sparkle and the others just stormed through the front door.
“Alright! Nothing unusual was going on outside, so I expect it to be total chaos in here! Applejack, the situation, please!” Twilight shouted.
“We’re just havin’ tea, Twi.” The orange Earth-pony explained.
“Oh… Good! So nothing happened? Everything is finally starting to go as planned? Thank goodness!” Twilight said relieved.
“Ah wouldn’t count on that, ma’am. Ah started countin’ outside but we’re still missing one guy. Spy ain’t around here.” Engineer stated.
“But… you said we shouldn’t worry about him?” Twilight asked.
“Yeah… but Ah still like to know where he’s hanging out.” Engineer said.
“Yes… In due time. First we need to discuss what human and what pony will represent you guys as a spokesperson to the Princess.” Twilight stated.
“What? A free trip to Canterlot you say? It’s obvious that me and Scout should go!” Rainbow Dash said.
“Really now… And what argument do you have to back that reasoning up?” Twilight asked.
“So I can show him the Wonderbolts Arena!”
“Yeah! I want to see more fast ponies!” Scout added.
“… No. You two aren’t going, that’s for sure. I still think I should go myself, along with Engineer. Not that I don’t trust you guys, but I know the Princess best, and I’m sure I can convince her that you humans are… nice. And Engineer has always been polite this far, so I think he’s the best choice.” Twilight said.
“YOU ARE WRONG, MAGGOT!” Soldier blew through the front door with full force.
“Solly?! What the heck are ya doing?” Engineer asked.
“Shut your mouth, Private! Don’t forget that I’m in charge here. I just happened to have overheard your little conversation involving presenting ourselves to royalty. From what I can gather, that Princess of yours sounds like a mean old lady! That is why we can’t take such an opportunity lightly. We have to take every advantage we have and break in before they are able to enter our minds!” Soldier explained.
“… You’re not making any sense. What do you mean?” Twilight asked.
“It’s very simple, Private. I will go myself, along with THIS pony!” Soldier pointed at Derpy.
“… Why? No offense, though!” Twilight added quickly.
“No, I agree… Why?” Derpy asked.
“Because this pony did not hesitate even a second to shoot me directly in the stomach when I was appearing as a threat to her. And she just threw down three grenades without thinking about it twice! Sure, they ended up being rusty old cans, but we all THOUGHT they were grenades! We need that mentality in these dark times of endless combat.” Soldier said.
“I think… you’re taking things a bit too seriously. You need to calm down, okay?” Twilight said, hoping to cool off the crazy Soldier. “We’re not at war or something.” She added.
“YOU ARE WRONG, MAGGOT! This is most definitely war! And we’re right in the middle of it. I won’t repeat this again, me and this Private will go to discuss our terms with your little ‘Princess’, whether you like it or not. That’s an order!” Soldier barked.
“… Aren’t you going to say anything?” Twilight asked Engineer.
“Nope! In fact, Ah like this idea. If Solly here can present himself as well behaved, we’ll have no problem staying here. He might be the most anti-social one of us, but no one ever expects anything of him. So basically, it can’t go wrong! And of course, Ah can’t decline an order, obviously.” Engineer said.
“That’s… not reassuring at all.” Twilight sighed.
“Don’t worry! I will show that snobby royalty exactly what kind of people the BLUs are! Even if I have to blow up their entire castle for it! Lead the way, Private!” Soldier ordered Derpy. He was eager to get going already, so he immediately sprinted outside.
“… I’ll try to keep damage to a minimum… But I can’t promise anything.” Derpy sighed and followed the BLU leader.
“Well… That can’t end well. I hope they don’t get sent to a dungeon or something like that. If he screws things up, it’ll end badly for all of you, you know that, right?” Twilight asked.
“Yup. But sometimes, it’s better to just let things happen themselves. Always worked pretty well for me in the end.” Engineer replied.
“Anyway, we still promised the Mayor to introduce the humans to the citizens of Ponyville. I suppose seven out of nine humans will still have quite a lasting impact. Maybe it’s even for the better, as I have no idea how they’ll react.” Twilight said.
“Yeah, Ah suppose we should get that whole introduction thing over with. But Ah just wonder what the heck Spy is doing.” Engineer ended the conversation.
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
Spy had already deviously stolen five hats from Rarity’s Carousel Boutique. But it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t because the hats he stole were terrible or something, oh no. These hats were simply divine. And not even the most well behaved mercenary out of the BLUs could resist the temptation to get even more of these beautiful hats.
But wouldn’t it be obvious? Going to the same exact place where he had committed a crime not thirty minutes earlier? No… In fact, they’d never see it coming. Only a complete idiot would immediately return to the crime scene. They’d never expect it from a gentleman, a Spy.
It didn’t take long for the Frenchman to return. The unicorn known as Rarity had already cleaned up the room again. There was no sign of that clever smaller unicorn, though. That was good, because she was perhaps the only one in town that knew of his existence.
Spy was like a Shinobi of the night, sneaking around completely invisible even though he was just a few meters away from the Boutique’s owner. He patiently waited in a corner for the unicorn to leave. She eventually did so while shouting for her little sister, who was still nowhere to be found.
Good, good. That would make Spy’s job so much easier. Those hats are his… all his. The Frenchman chuckled softly.
Spy took another look around the room. There was one hat that stood out among all others. It was a simple top hat. BUT NOT ANY SIMPLE TOP HAT! It was magnificent, stunning, and most of all, incredibly oversized. If Spy was able to show off this amazing hat, the BLUs wouldn’t be able to ignore its greatness.
“I’m coming for you!” Spy didn’t deem it necessary to keep quiet since Rarity had already left the room. So he uncloaked and slowly made his way towards the enormous hat that people would only be able to see once in a lifetime.
As he gradually got closer, he noticed that the hat was not only beautiful, but of amazing quality as well. It would last him for at least a hundred years! And soon it would be all his!
He touched the hat… and gently picked it up. But something was wrong, the experience he had received all those previous years had taught him to always be aware. And soon enough, he noticed exactly why.
“Boo!” The small unicorn named Sweetie Belle said. Apparently, she was hiding underneath the giant hat.
Spy placed the hat back, took a step backwards and lit up a cigarette trying to look as cool as he possibly could.
“Mon Dieu… It’s a trap!” He shouted as he dropped the cigarette.
But it didn’t take long for two other small creatures to show up. One was another small pony, yellow of color with a red mane. She was carrying a net. The other was one mean looking chicken. Oh, wait, It was another orange winged pony which simply resembled a chicken greatly. Still, it didn’t change the fact that she looked pretty mean.
“Alright, GET HIM!” The yellow one shouted and tossed the net towards Spy.
Spy quickly searched for his Dead Ringer so he might be able to make an escape from these wretched entangled ropes. But it was in vain, as the orange pony bucked him directly in his face.
“What a disaster!” Spy stated. He was captured by some elementary school ponies. Words wouldn’t even be able to begin to describe his embarrassment.
“Shut up, Mr. Alien!” The orange Pegasus bucked him once again.
“Uhh, Scootaloo… Applebloom. Aren’t you guys being a bit too rough on him? I know that he got me blamed for ruining my sister’s room. But he didn’t look like that much of an evil guy.” Sweetie Belle said.
“Well… you did say he could shed his skin, so I think we should knock him out before he can make a run for it.” Scootaloo explained.
“Ah agree! The Cutie Mark Crusader Crime Stoppers won’t forgive any pony for breaking and entering!” Applebloom added.
“Okay… but we have him captured, anyway. He’s completely stuck in that net, so he isn’t going anywhere. My question now is… What are we going to do with this alien-burglar next?” Sweetie Belle asked.
“Oh, that’s simple. We just uhh… I have no idea.” Scootaloo didn’t know.
Spy just remained calm as ever. There was always a way to escape, always. Even more so if he decided to take drastic measurements. And it looked like this might be the case. Everything was already planned out.
“Hmm. Hmm.” The Frenchman chuckled evilly.
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

//-------------------------------------------------------//
                   7. Where Eagles Dare.                   
//-------------------------------------------------------//
7. Where Eagles Dare.
Team Fortress 2. Equestria’s Robot Invasion.  
Chapter 7. Where Eagles Dare.
Spy’s situation was looking grim at the moment. He was captured by the three ponies known as Scootaloo, Applebloom, and Sweetie Belle. They appeared to refer to themselves as the ‘Cutie Mark Crusaders’. Spy would easily be able to overpower them, but a gentleman such as himself would not find the need to resort to such violent actions. The bigger ponies were already way too cute to harm, but these were just children! Never would Spy even consider lowering himself to the level of filth that would dare to harm innocent defenseless children. Either human or pony, it didn’t matter.
With that being said, he received a severe beating from the young fillies. They were able to kick devastatingly hard for such tiny beings. The pain he endured was bearable, but the humiliation he suffered was not.
Spy was going to have to consider plan B. He already figured out they weren’t going to buy another faked death with the use of his Dead Ringer. Oh no, he was going to have to be really clever to outsmart these young ponies.
“Alright Mr. Alien! Where are the hats that you stole from my big sister?” Sweetie Belle asked.
It would appear that they were not interested at all in the fact that they had been able to capture the world’s greatest Spy. Apparently, they only cared about retrieving the hats that the Frenchmen took.
“FOOLS! Do you truly zhink you can keep me imprisoned here as a common dog? I zhink not!” Spy replied as he had no intention ever to return the precious newly acquired hats.
It was now or never. He had to forget about his pride for a moment, try to distract the fillies, and cut himself loose with his trusty butterfly knife. After that, he had to fake the ponies into thinking that he was running away, go invisible in a corner, and walk away with the grand prize in all the confusion. That ridiculously oversized top hat.
Brilliant! Now he just needed to come up with a distraction. This task would surely require all of Spy’s skills.
“Gentle- I mean… Little ponies. What vould be ze mo-” Spy was interrupted.
“Cut the foal’s play, mister! Where are those darned hats?!” Scootaloo asked as she slapped the Frenchmen in the face.
Okay, this wasn’t going good at all. These ponies were tougher than they look. They drove a hard bargain, that was for sure. Anyway, it was time for plan C.
… There was no plan C! This was very unfortunate. It also meant that this was the end of the Spy.
He’d never fight a defenseless child… or animal. And he’d rather die than give up on his hats, even though that didn’t make any sense. It was a good life, indeed. Too bad it had to end like this. Better to finish it quickly before they were able to embarrass the Frenchman even more.
He already had the Ambassador revolver equipped. He slowly raised the gun aiming towards his own face.
“SWEETIE BELLE! What are you doing?!” Suddenly a fourth familiar voice shouted. It was Rarity, the older sister of the one named Sweetie Belle.
Chance! Spy thought.
“Oh, Rarity! Look, we finally captured the snake-alien I was talking about earlier! I told you he was real. He’s the one that messed up your room and stole the hats!” Sweetie Belle explained.
“What foulness!” Spy stated. “Mademoiselle, I assure you zhat a gentlemen like myself vould never lower himself to committing thievery and vandalism!” He added.
Rarity would describe what she saw in front of her as a monster. But she couldn’t because he was too well-dressed to hold such an ugly title. Yet, she wasn’t that surprised seeing as how Twilight and Applejack dropped by a few minutes ago explaining the situation and asked her to be on the lookout for a certain chain-smoking masked alien-human. It looked like she found him! And his accent was nice and fancy by the way. Rarity liked that.
“Girls… Could you three please leave the room?” Rarity asked the Cutie Mark Crusaders.
“WHAT! But what if he escapes again! He’s a slithery snake, that’s what he is!” Sweetie Belle said.
“Yeah! You’ll need our help kicking his alien flank!” Scootaloo added.
“Like we say in the Apple family, if ya do something, ya gotta do it right.” Applebloom said.
“Girls, please. I can handle this!” Rarity shooed the three young fillies away much to their disappointment.
Spy was now alone in the room with this larger white unicorn. “Mon Dieu!” Spy wasn’t sure what this pony was planning. Luckily, he already took this opportunity to make some cuts around the net that was still imprisoning him. But he didn’t have enough time to completely cut through the ropes.
“You…” Rarity said with a deep sinister tone.
Spy started choking up a bit. This could be an extremely dangerous situation. For all he knew, unicorns would be able to incinerate everything around them with just the power of their mind. Act cautiously, that’s what he had to do next. Perhaps even the Dead Ringer was completely useless against the colorful pony’s magic. But the Frenchman was ready… no matter what she might throw at him.
“You… You’re suit is astonishing, divine and simply amazing! It’s something straight out of this world!” Rarity stated.
Spy sighed again, but now with relief. The unicorn didn’t seem hostile at all. In fact, she was rather amazed by Spy’s attire. For good reasons obviously.
“Oui. Fashion is extremely important to a man of my stature.” Spy said.
“Oh, but of course! Just look at the stitching. It’s remarkable! The color brings out your eyes beautifully! Oh, and what are those?” Rarity asked.
“Zhat vould be my pants.” Spy answered.
“Interesting… Please, tell me more of these strange human designs!”
“In due time, mademoiselle. But as you can see… I am in quite a sticky situation.” Spy pointed out that he was still trapped inside the net.
“Ah… Of course! How rude of my younger sister to treat a guest like this. Let me help you with that.” Rarity used her magic to levitate the net away from Spy.
“Hehehe… Muawha…HAHAHAHA!” Spy started laughing maniacally the moment he was released. Rarity didn’t even question him about the hats. Now Spy would try not to let her remember this fact.
“Care for some tea?” Rarity asked completely ignoring the fact Spy was snorting like a pig just seconds ago.
“Oui.” He replied calmly once again.
“Good! You can tell me all about your fascinating human fashion then!”
“Gladly.”
“… And you’re paying me for the hats you stole.” Rarity added.
Spy face palmed. He knew it was too good to be true. Good things never happened to him as well. “What a disaster.” He sighed.
“Oh, don’t complain, you! I’ll give you a good discount as well. You should just be glad I didn’t even call the guards.” Rarity stated.
Little did Rarity know that Spy had no money at all, not even currency from his own world anymore, as his restaurant where he invested all of his savings was blown up by Demoman’s plane.
They proceeded to have tea next and discuss some completely unrelated things. Nothing out of the usual happened…
Yet!
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
Canterlot. Royal Palace.
Both Princess Celestia and Luna were able to drive away the robots that were roaming around Canterlot. Some exploded due to overexposure to the sun, but most were thrown off of the mountain, and into the Everfree Forest where they wouldn’t be able to harm anypony. Princess Celestia had explained to her sister what she had learned after her encounter with the Australian named Saxton Hale.
“So you’re saying that you’ve just let the human that had answers get away?” Luna asked.
“Well, yes. He was pretty convincing about things and wouldn’t take no for an answer. I know that he shows no threat to us, magic-wise. But that man has some… strange powers. Besides, he said he was going to return as soon as he was able with to proceed with more information.” Celestia explained.
“And he just orders us to babysit these nine murderous humans in Ponyville? It’s ridiculous, sister! What could he possibly be doing that’s more important than the safety of our entire world?” Luna asked again.
“He told of a strange device that could recreate those who have fallen in combat. This device is the only thing the humans seem to care about. But then he started talking about ninjas and cyborgs… I think he was exaggerating slightly with the dangers that he would be facing, but I’m sure he’ll proceed with great haste.” Celestia answered.
Meanwhile at a different place.
Saxton Hale had suddenly found himself in an unfamiliar area. But this was definitely the place where the Administrator had sold the Respawn. He wasn’t certain where he was exactly, or if he was even still on Earth, but it was dangerous without a doubt. The best he could describe this place was like this.
It was a giant arena filled with nothing but ninjas, cyborgs, busty women and monstrous creatures. They also seemed slightly obsessed with the letter ‘K’.
In the middle of this arena was a large man that was lazily sitting on a throne, overlooking what was going on around him. It should be noted that this man’s face could not be seen due to the awesome warlord helmet which featured a skull like design with a long crest at the forehead.
“TEST YOUR MIGHT! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=egne2ZCMM_0&feature=player_detailpage)” A voice suddenly shouted, seemingly coming out of nowhere. After that, a fast paced catchy tune started playing. Man… The music made you want to find a baby seal and punch it straight in the face.
Saxton Hale liked this place. Looks like stuff’s about to get bloody real soon! Just as he wished! There was the first challenger right now.
“GET OVER HERE!” A masked ninja with black and yellow attire shouted. He had white soulless eyes and carried two small blades on his back. He proceeded to throw a kunai attached to a sturdy chain towards the Australian.
“BRAAAAVE GRAB!” Saxton grabbed the small knife before it reached his shirtless body. He pulled his challenger directly to him and landed a devastating punch right to his chin, knocking the ninja’s mask off.
This was a pretty bad idea, Saxton Hale guessed, as he noticed the ninja’s head was nothing but a skull where its eyes were suddenly surrounded by intense flames.
“Sweet jumping kangaroos! Your head is on fire, Skeletor!” Saxton gladly pointed out this fact.
The ninja was impressed by the sheer power of this man’s single punch and decided to hold off his attack for now. He quickly put the mask back on. He then turned towards the giant man who now stood up from his throne at this moment.
“FINISH HIM!” The man shouted.
“Now wait just a minute, pal! I’m here just to buy the Respawn device back from you guys.” Saxton explained.
“You speak of the device that could reanimate the dead?” The challenging ninja asked.
“Hmm… Something like that, yes.”
“It is no longer here. The leaders didn’t want to rely on technology anymore. So they turned to darker magic created in the Netherrealm. I am just their servant.” The ninja explained.
“Okay… Then where is it now?” Saxton wondered.
“I’m afraid that does not matter anymore. Your fate was sealed the moment you entered this realm. No one may leave this place alive.”
Saxton proceeded to gently stroke his mustache. This would calm him down usually.
“Tell me, Skeletor. If my guess is as good as I think it is… That big guy on the throne over there is the final boss, right?” He asked.
“Your strength is admirable… But you do not stand a chance against the Emperor of Outworld. His powers consist of superhuman strength, magic, and many other dangerous techniques. Do not attempt anything foolish and learn to accept your fate.” The ninja stated.
“YOU WEAK PATHETIC FOOLS. You fail to amuse me, and therefore I will take all your souls!” The giant man finally got off his throne and started walking towards the ninja and Saxton. He carried a large mace with him.
“SAXTON PUNCH!”
And with that the giant man was beaten! He was launched miles away by the impact of Saxton’s monstrously powerful fists.
“That guy was tougher than I thought… He’s still alive, but I’m certain he won’t be able to get up for a while!” Saxton said cheerfully.
“You… you incapacitated the Emperor of Outworld with a single strike. Amazing!” The ninja said clearly impressed.
“Indeed. Now can you tell me where the Respawn is?” Saxton asked.
“I can tell you where it is, but I can also take you to it. All I ask is one thing in return.”
“Sure! Anything for a friend.”
“You will use this device to allow my clan to walk on Earthrealm once more. After that… my soul can finally rest.” The ninja said with a depressing tone.
“Geez, you’re such a drama queen. Stop crying like a baby and let’s go! We have more than enough time for many more adventures! It’s not like I need that thing urgently or something.”
So Saxton went off on his next step of his quest in returning the Respawn device. Alongside with his new friend, the flaming skeleton ninja of course! Surely nothing good can come from this situation.
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
Canterlot. Soldier and Derpy.
It didn’t take long for the two to arrive at the capital of Equestria. Derpy first proposed to take the train, but Soldier refused, saying he’d seen more than enough trains in his lifetime. She then offered to fly Soldier there, no matter how impossible that sounded. It didn’t work out in the end so they took the easy way eventually.
The Rocket Jumper. Yes, with this no self-damage rocket launcher, he was able to blast himself to great heights and overcome the enormous mountain without any problem.
Derpy had to fly alone. Obviously she didn’t go as fast as with the launcher… But she wasn’t putting her hooves on such a dangerous looking contraption.
When Derpy did finally arrive in Canterlot, she found Soldier arguing with one of the citizens. A fancily-dressed snobby stallion. But… there was something off.
“I say! I thought the Princess had already gotten rid of all of you vulgar creatures. Looks like I’m going to have to notify the guards.” The stallion said.
“BEEP BOOP, son.” Soldier responded. Apparently he was wearing a cardboard box over his head, imitating a robot.
The stallion apparently bought this terrible disguise and went on his way again, most likely notifying the Royal Guards.
Derpy slowly approached the BLU mercenary. She was extremely confused, but she knew how to deal with it by now.
“…What are you doing?” She asked.
“Infiltration, maggot! We’re here with an important mission involving royalty! We need to keep our eyes open at all times. That means we have to blend in with the crowd.” Soldier explained.
“But there aren’t any robots here! You’re already quite a bit noticeable due to your size next to us ponies. But this… ridiculous costume only will make things worse!” Derpy stated.
“Don’t worry, private. I can recognize jealousy whenever I see it. Here’s your very own robot disguise as well!” Soldier handed the Pegasus another cardboard box.
“… Are you serious? That would make us stand out even more! And why do we need to sneak around, anyway? We’ve been INVITED here, we’re not infiltrating anything!” Derpy stated.
“I can’t let my guard down… ever.” Soldier slowly turned around so he could quietly have a deep inner monologue without interruption.
My name is Jane Doe. That’s Sergeant or Soldier for all you damn hippies out there. Get a haircut! Anyway, I’ve spent many gory years in Europe during the Second World War as a professional Nazi-murderer. After that, however, I became a mercenary for the BLU. That was the time of my life, killing those sissy REDs, blowing them up into pieces. There was nothing more satisfying than that.
But… as much as I loved my time spent there, there are also much darker memories. I won’t get into too much detail, but let’s just say I’m forced to wear a helmet for the rest of my life.
You wouldn’t like me when I hit my head. Really!
But unfortunately, that’s not all. Even before my time spent at the Mann. Co. I had a terrible problem.
It’s in fact, so stupid, I’m not even going to tell anyone anything about it! It’s my damn inner monologue. No one can hear me anyway.
Unless… there’s someone reading my mind right now at this very moment! Yes, that’s very probable! Very well, I’ll continue.
As I was saying, I have a terrible problem that unfortunately cannot be fixed. I doubt there’s a single other person in the world that has this.
I keep… running into random situations no matter what I do. It’s ridiculous I know! But I really can’t help it. You’ll see eventually, nothing out of the ordinary has happened in quite a while.
But once again, that’s not all! Whenever I do end up in one of these situations, my brain will try to come up with any excuses for the random occurrence to be probable and likely to happen on a daily basis to other people, or any other weird explanation.
You don’t understand? Well neither do I, and that’s been life for me as long I can remember it. The BLUs say that I’m insane, crazy, and delusional. But I’ve saved those damn rookies more than once already. They wouldn’t even be here if it weren’t for me!
So that’s some of my life. Now let me tell you about my childhood! It all began back in the good ol’ USA! As a true patriot I immed-
“Hellooooo!? Are you alright? You’ve been staring at the sky for ten minutes now.” Derpy said, finally interrupting the Soldier’s inner monologue.
“Huh? Oh yeah! I do that sometimes. Don’t worry, private. I always remain focused on battle no matter what!” Soldier explained. “Now tell me. Where is that so called super powerful Princess of yours?” He asked.
“GEEZ, I DON’T KNOW?! Maybe in the flipping palace or something?” Derpy responded, slightly annoyed. She facehoofed quickly after she realized what she said. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to sound rude.” She added.
“Don’t mention it, private. You say whatever comes to mind, I admire that!”
“Good. Anyway, how about we go for a drink first? Take a moment to rest before we head to the palace?” Derpy proposed.
“Sounds like a plan. Wait! Do ponies serve alcohol?” Soldier asked.
“Yes, plenty of it. At least in the bigger cities, that is.” Derpy explained.
“Bloody brilliant, maggot!” Soldier tried to imitate the booze obsessed Demoman. He failed miserably.
Soldier and Derpy walked for a while. Obviously, the human still wore his Cardboard box as a hat. Derpy decided to wear hers as well, since she couldn’t stand the embarrassment Soldier had to go through on his own without realizing it. She just decided to share the humiliation.
Other ponies weren’t exactly avoiding her and the human. But they weren’t exactly approaching them either. They slightly kept their distance. That was understandable, even if they weren’t wearing those cardboard boxes since Soldier was a scary alien and whatnot.
Derpy was aware that not many places were going to be open this early in the morning. But she was sure there was at least some place where they could relax for a while before confronting the Princess. The journey there alone was more than enough for an adventure for now.
After a while of looking around, not Derpy but Soldier with his eagle vision managed to find a place that was open and was also a bar. It was named A Bar. Very convenient indeed!
Soldier didn’t want to wait a single moment and opened the door. Then, he immediately slammed the door shut again.
“My god… It’s happening again.” He said silently.
“What is?” Derpy wondered.
“Oh…nothing at all. I was just wondering if this was really a bar.”
“It’s obviously a bar… Just look at the sign. Derpy said.
“Yeah… I’m a hundred percent sure that the sign says that it’s a bar… but.” Soldier was still hesitant to go in.
“Pfft, don’t worry about it, it’s my treat anyway.” Derpy said.
“Alright…” Soldier opened the door once again. His mind wasn’t making things up, he was sure. He was literally seeing this right now.
There was a gorilla tending the bar.
Soldier turned back to the gray Pegasus who was still unable to view what was inside. “Hey… Is this place open?” He asked.
“What? You just opened the door. Of course it’s open!” Derpy was getting pretty annoyed at this point.
“Yeah, but couldn’t it possibly be that they’re just getting ready to open?” Soldier said.
“What the hay are you talking about? Why are you so hesitant towards this? You seemed fine just a minute ago. I know! A nice cold drink will clear you right back up!” Derpy said as she trotted inside happily. “Hey old man, two beer please!” She said as she reached the bar.
Soldier was still thinking what the hell was going on. Of course, he’s in a world of talking ponies. With that logic, it wouldn’t that strange that there was a giant gorilla behind the bar. Maybe it was the law around Canterlot that ape-like creatures served beverages to the ponies. Soldier felt slightly more relieved now as he ventured further inside the bar.
“Hmm, good taste. Can’t really complain about it… AH, THERE’S A GORILLA!” Derpy suddenly jumped up from her seat.
“That took you long enough to notice! I thought it was normal around here!” Soldier shouted.
“WELL IT’S NOT!” Derpy screamed back.
“Hehe… That was actually pretty funny. Your skills have improved, private!”
“What the hay are you talking about? There’s a gorilla right there. If we don’t get out he’ll...” Derpy didn’t know how to finish her sentence.
“Just wait a minute. Calm down and think about it carefully. A gorilla at a bar. You don’t encounter such an interesting situation very often.” Soldier said.
“Even if you say it’s interesting… It’s dangerous!” Derpy replied.
“Look. There’s only like two bars like this, even if you look around the entire universe. It’s rather amazing, don’t you agree?” Soldier asked.
“Well… I guess that’s true. If there was just a gorilla here, it wouldn’t be that big of a deal. But he’s literally serving the drinks!”
“Well, if you’re with me, you’re bound to walk into interesting situations like this.” Soldier explained.
“Really?”
“Yes. After all, the god of war is with me.”
“Okay… But why is there a gorilla tending the bar here?” Derpy asked Soldier. They both calmed down and took place at the bar once again. The gorilla continued serving multiple drinks and started doing some dishes. He didn’t speak obviously.
“Well, I know why.” Soldier grinned.
“What! Really?!”
“Let me tell you. There was this one fateful day. It was storming and snowing outside. That day, this poor gorilla was standing outside this very establishment! The bar’s owner couldn’t just leave him out to die. So he let him in, thinking that even if it was a gorilla, it’d be pretty tough outside in those weather conditions.”
“Why was he in front of the bar, then?” Derpy asked. Soldier didn’t pay any mind and just continued his story.
“Anyway, he let the gorilla stay inside and treated him as a pet for a while. Seeing him besides the owner would be a peaceful sight to some. But paying for all of that extra gorilla chow put pressure on the bar’s budget. And because he worked so hard every day, the bar’s owner was struck down with a serious illness!”
“That’s getting pretty dramatic.”
Soldier nodded. “I want to help the owner who took care of me all this time! That’s what the gorilla must have thought when he sat beside the owner on his deathbed. So the gorilla tried to imitate the owner’s way of serving drinks! But in the end, he was just a gorilla. There was no way an ape could serve drinks properly! But he didn’t show the slightest sign of those thoughts. His determination got the gorilla so far that he was actually able to do quite a decent job! This occurrence miraculously cured the owner’s illness so he decided to hire the gorilla for a full-time job and also accepted him as a son! I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what happened and why there’s a gorilla in front of us serving drinks.” Soldier finally ended his story.
“Really? I guess that does make some sense… not much, but some.” Derpy replied.
“I’ve got more details for you, don’t worry. I left out the part where the gorilla was discriminated by the townsfolk and he had to fight a velociraptor to defend his honor! It started whe-” Soldier was interrupted as he front door suddenly opened.
“Oh look! The owner is finally here. We can ask him all about it. Hey hippie, tell us your story.” Soldier asked.
“… Oh no! There’s a gorilla in my establishment!” The bar’s owner shouted as his face turned blue.
“WHAT! He’s here without permission?” Soldier was genuinely surprised.
“Of course he was.” Derpy sighed.
“ROOAAARR!” The gorilla suddenly started slamming his chest and went on a rampage inside the bar.
“RUUUN!” Soldier shouted as he didn’t think blowing the entire place up would have any good consequences. He prepared for another inner monologue.
I hoped that it would finally end. But it would seem my life is eternally doomed to randomness. Let us hope our encounter with this royalty will go more smoothly.
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
Author's note; Sorry for the delay. Been kind of distracted lately... I'm a busy man, very busy!

//-------------------------------------------------------//
                      8. Revelations                       
//-------------------------------------------------------//
8. Revelations
Team Fortess 2. Equestria’s Robot Invasion.  
Chapter 8. Revelations.
Equestria, Canterlot.
Soldier and Derpy had gone through some wacky adventures on their journey to the palace, but they finally arrived unharmed.
They were greeted by the Royal Guards, who were ordered to escort them to the waiting chambers where they could reside until their audience with the Princess.
Remember that Soldier was chosen to be the most capable member of the BLU, to convince the rulers of this world that they had no bad intentions. This meant the other members had faith in him. Soldier knew this, and was always loyal to his job. He was going to make those snobby royal ponies his best friends, no problem! At least, that’s what he thought.
“How long are they going to let us wait, and can you believe that they tried to confiscate my weapons? Ridiculous!” Soldier complained as he was getting fed up with being treated as a dangerous lunatic. Also, once he had arrived, he got rid of the cardboard boxes they were wearing and decided for a slightly classier hat to impress everyone.
“… Do you really think it’s that weird that they just want everything to proceed smoothly and safely? Weapons just aren’t allowed here. Not just for you, but for every pony.” Derpy explained.
“Grr… I haven’t been unarmed for many… many years, and I’m sure as hell not going to break that streak now.” Soldier replied. “And it still doesn’t explain why they’re letting us wait here for so long.”
“Well, you did try to punch that Royal Guard… I guess they’re trying to make some last-minute precautions.” Derpy guessed.
“Nah, no more! The next pony to enter this room will regret ever being born when I’m done complaining about this!”
And right on queue, the door opened. Soldier didn’t care who it was, but from a first glimpse it looked like a slightly larger blue Pegasus. It was female as like 98% of the population. Probably one of the maids or something, Soldier guessed.
“Uhh, Soldier… Maybe you shou-” Derpy was interrupted.
“OH NO! They’re finally going to hear it now! You there, servant!” Soldier barked as he pointed towards the pony that just entered. He was still quite a bit larger when he stood up.
She didn’t respond, but narrowed her eyes instead.
“That’s right, you! We decided to come here on such short notice for a supposedly important audience with your fancy royalty and whatnot. Then we finally arrive and we’re forced to flee from gorillas, get pressured by those stupid guards to get rid of my weapons and hats, and lastly we’re being held here without any other information of what’s going to happen. How long have we been waiting here now, Private? 10 – 15 hours?” Soldier asked Derpy.
“Actually it’s been ten minutes… But you really should keep your mouth cl-” Derpy once again was interrupted.
“And another thing! From the moment me and my crew arrived, we’ve seen nothing but girl-ponies! In fact, the only male ones we’ve seen are in what you call the ‘Royal Guards’. Isn’t that just a fancy term for slavery, HUH?”
“Actually, there are plenty of stallions around. There’s Dr. Whooves, Big Mactintosh, that jelly pony, and uhh… Wait! That’s not important right now, Soldier, the one you’re shouting at right now is-”And Derpy was interrupted for a third time.
“Just a common worker, I know. I should be saying these things to someone of higher class.” Soldier sighed and sat back down.
“Actually… that’s Princess Luna.” Derpy finally managed to point out to the BLU mercenary, hoping he would finally cool down and apologize after hearing this.
Unfortunately, the opposite was true.
“OH, SO THIS IS THE SO CALLED PRINCESS TO DECIDE OUR FATE, HUH?” Soldier stood up again and poked Luna’s snout. “Well, let me tell you one thing, cupcake. We’re not going anywhere until each and every one of those robots are back on the scrapyard where they belong.”
Princess Luna was flabbergasted. Nopony had ever talked to her like that, yet this single human barged inside her castle and started shouting at every pony around him. No man could possibly be this stupid. What was he scheming? Why was he so confident in his own abilities that he decided to continue yelling at her even after knowing her true identity?
He must’ve been a brilliant strategic mastermind, Luna thought. It would be best just to let him continue and let her sister decide the human’s fate as the original plan was. Luna was actually just there to escort him and his visitor to the royal chambers.
But if he kept up this attitude, his future promised nothing good at all. He and his crew would most likely be banished away. It would be rather enjoyable seeing this play out, Luna thought.
“Please, proceed. My sister is the one that will you will need to convince.” Luna said.
Now Derpy was flabbergasted. Why wasn’t Princess Luna enraged with Soldier’s randomness and shout back at him with her Royal Canterlot speech? Anyway, might as well continue since they’ve gotten this far.
“Hmmngg… Always a Princess… Never a damn Queen. Probably has gone evil and insane Disney-style.” Soldier grunted silently.
Luna raised her hoof in frustration and wanted to slap the hell out of the BLU mercenary. Words like these were beyond rude! But she held it in, knowing that he wouldn’t last long anyway after meeting Celestia. Oh, please send him to the moon, sister!
The three proceeded walking through the castle and eventually reached the actual royal chambers. Derpy had only seen this place once before but it was just as amazing. Princess Celestia was gracefully sitting atop her throne at the end of the chamber. As always, she had a genuine smile on her face.
“Please, come forth.” She said.
Luna took place next to her sister and was ready to see how things would turn out.
Derpy took a small bow, showing her respect to the Princess. Soldier on the other hand pulled out his Direct Hit rocket launcher and aimed it towards the royal sisters of Canterlot.
“Let me tell you exactly what’s going to happen! One, you’re letting us stay here without interruption until me and my partners have gotten rid of all the robots in your pretty world. Two, we want booze. Three, GIVE ME YOUR HA-” Soldier was now the one being interrupted by a magical force which swooped the rocket launcher away from him.
“We have no need for such dangerous devices when we’re just having a friendly chat, do we?” Princess Celestia said with a slightly more annoyed tone.
Derpy was happy the Princess did something before Soldier blew up the palace with his stupidity.
“Grr… Fine, let’s talk.” Soldier replied. He didn’t want to grab another weapon before thinking of a way to counter magic.
“First thing’s first. Your… hat, it seems rather fancy.” Celestia pointed this out.
“Why, yes! It’s a Towering Pillar of Hats! I managed to steal… err ‘borrow’ this from my teammate who had no need for it in his current state.” Soldier explained. He stole the hat from one of the mercenaries back at Fluttershy’s cottage earlier.
It was a beautiful hat that could not be described with words but we’re trying it anyway. Three hats, a grey bowler hat, a black top hat, and to finish it off a boater with a black ribbon. They were all stacked on top of each other. That’s a solid ten in my book.
“A hat worthy of wearing on an event such as assassinating *COUGH* err… ‘Meeting’ a Princess!” Soldier continued coughing.
“I see. How thoughtful of you to dress properly considering your team’s situation. I understand you’re all stranded here in our world after a battle with a powerful magician that also accidentally transported his company’s backup supply of human robots here. I understand you and your team want to dispose of them, yourself?” Celestia asked.
“Damn right we want to destroy them all. Those things made my life miserable.” Soldier replied.
“Then is it a personal grudge that you hold against them?” Celestia asked.
“Huh? Grudge? Yeah, I guess you could say I hate their metal guts. But this isn’t just for me! It’s for the poor children… The young ones unable to sleep at night because they fear the unavoidable certain rise of the robots. But we… not just the BLU, the RED as well, I’m sure. We stand as silent vigilantes that will protect them so they will be able to witness the world of tomorrow. And we ask nothing in return but guns… and hats.” Soldier ended dramatically.
“But… I’ve heard that they’re child-friendly, and they don’t seem that dangerous. Are you just making things up, hmm?” Celestia questioned.
“Fine! They’re just annoying and I want to blow them up with my guns, happy now? And who the hell told you that they’re child-friendly?” Soldier wondered.
“… I know everything!” Celestia bluffed. Of course she didn’t want to break her promise with Saxton Hale just yet. “But that’s not important right now. What is important is that you convince me right now why I should allow you all to temporally live in our world. What I want to find out is how lethal you really are.”
“Oh, so you want some confirmation of my skills on the battlefield? I currently have 435,776 kills total, and still counting.” Soldier bragged.
“Y-you murdered more than 400,000 people?” Celestia responded, shocked.
“Nah, most of them are kills on the same persons over and over again. We had this little thing called the Respawn that would allow us to infinitely rebuild our bodies upon death. But I did kill a giant load of Nazis in Europe over the course of some years. I also think I might’ve accidentally killed some Cuban dictators, the Pope and Santa.” Soldier bragged once again. He was sure that if he kept talking about his murder records, he’d convince the Princess that he wasn’t a violent person at all.
“You murdered Santa Hooves?!”
“What? No, Santa Claws of course. I also killed Dracula, or at least some guy that looks like him.”
“This… Wow. I have no words to respond after hearing such a story. I think it is obvious what must be done.” Celestia sighed.
Luna already saw what was coming from the moment she met Soldier. It was simply unavoidable with the way he was acting.
Soldier on the other hand, was already convinced his charming war stories had already won over Celestia’s trust.
“BUT, because I’m an honest ruler I will allow your escort to have her say as well. Ms. Hooves, tell me, is there any way you can convince me to why I should not immediately dispose of this individual?” Celestia asked.
“What?! Dispose of me! I thought we had a sure deal, damn it!” Soldier quickly grabbed his secondary weapon, the shotgun. Unfortunately for him it was immediately thrown away by Celestia’s magic once again leaving him grunting in annoyance.
“Just stop talking, Soldier. You’re only making things worse.” Derpy said to the BLU mercenary and turned towards the Princess now. “I know that Mr. Soldier seems like a violent and reckless person, and that’s because he is. In fact, the first time I saw him he nearly destroyed my entire house. I’ve never met any pony as strange and unpredictable as him.”
“What! How dare you, you backstabbing miniature horse! I gave you my cardboard box, dammit!” Soldier shouted as he couldn’t believe that Derpy was being all negative about him.
“BUT… Mr. Soldier is also a very kind man. Even after I managed to hurt him with a gun he didn’t complain for even a second. He didn’t accuse me and didn’t even ask for an apology. He never showed any bad intentions towards any pony up until this point. He also promised that he would repair all the damage done because one of his teammates is good with building things. Even though he always yells at them and calls them maggots, I still think they’re all really good friends, those BLUs. And I know that they’re all really strong and can be useful to get rid of those scary robots in the Everfree Forest. I know that Soldier doesn’t seem like a friendly person at the moment, but I really hope you can at least give him another chance to prove himself.” Derpy finally ended her word in this.
“Very well, your kind words have persuaded me. Soldier, you may have one final chance to prove yourself fit to live in this world of harmony. Tell me more about yourself, for starters, what is your actual name?” Celestia asked.
“Uhh…” Soldier quickly checked his underwear to make sure. “Sergeant Jane Doe, ma’am.” He was ready to take this second opportunity to either prove himself a valuable asset in getting rid of the Equestrian robot invasion or die trying.
“And what’s your age?”
“I… uhh, about 75 or something, I don’t know!” Just thinking about this made Soldier’s head hurt.
“75? I’ m really not that familiar with humans, but you don’t look that old at all in my opinion. Anyway, what did you do before your time in spent in the war?” Celestia asked.
“Huh? What do you mean?”
“What did you do before you went off to war? Did you have a wife, any children? And what of your parents?” Celestia bombarded Soldier repeatedly with more and more questions.
“I uhh… I can’t remember.” Soldier replied silently with a slightly sad tone.
“You truly can’t remember?” Celestia questioned.
“Huh… I guess not.”
A minute long silence followed. Princess Celestia was brainstorming. Could a lifetime spent in war make him like this, dangerous and unpredictable? Could all this constant combat and violence change a creature so much that he completely forgets about his past?
If that were the case, Celestia pitied the poor human. No one deserved such a terrible curse.
That’s it. Princess Celestia had made up her mind.
“Very well then, I will allow you and your team to stay in Ponyville for the time being. One mishap means instant banishment. Is that understood?” Celestia stated.
“Yeah, sure. As long we can still beat up those damn robots.” Soldier replied. He wasn’t sure why Celestia had a sudden change of heart. But he’d gladly accept whatever fate has in store for him.
“Of course! That will be your main objective as long you will remain here. I want you all on patrol 24/7. Just take turns and take care of the situation as quick as possible. Go now, before I change my mind.” Celestia pointed Derpy and Soldier towards the door. Destroying robots was not violent at all, as stated earlier, it was like beating up a refrigerator.
Soldier and Derpy left, feeling pretty good about themselves. The rest would be delighted to hear the good news back in Ponyville.
“Are you insane, sister?! Are you just going to let that mad man stay in one of the most peaceful villages in Equestria? You clearly saw he trying to attack you twice, he even admitted murdering countless amounts of people. If you ask me, this seems like a really bad idea.” Luna said to her sister.
“I understand your concern. But perhaps it is better for them to reside here for a while and experience the true meaning of harmony. Learn that peaceful times do exist. Perhaps they will change their violent ways.” Celestia explained.
“But what if they were to hurt your prize pupil, Twilight Sparkle?” Luna added.
“… Fine, send somepony to keep an eye of them.” Celestia sighed.
“It will be taken care of, sister. Do not worry.”
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
Ponyville.
Spy and Rarity, after enjoying a delightful cup of tea, decided to finally meet up with the rest of the group again. Twilight still wanted to get the introduction done as soon as possible, even though most of the ponies already found out about the humans that were currently in Ponyville. Nopony seemed to mind them for some reason. It was like humans kept popping up there every week or so, nothing out of the ordinary at all.
Rarity really disliked Spy’s constant chain smoking and Spy didn’t like Rarity’s constant whining about it. But apart from that, they get along just as good as any other pony and Frenchman.
Unfortunately, a single terrorizing being was watching them from a small distance, not fearing the sun in the least. Its red-glowing eyes were directly focused on the BLU Spy.
“Mmpphh… BOOP.”
“So, every pony is gathered at Fluttershy’s house is what I understand from the information I currently posses. It’s not too far from here, it’s on t-” Rarity was interrupted.
“It is ze large cottage at the edge of ze forest. Isn’t it?” Spy asked as he was watching in that general direction.
“Y-yes. How did you know that? Did you break in there as well? You better not have given Fluttershy the scare of a lifetime!” Rarity replied.
“No. You see ze small light flickering atop of ze building? It’s one of my teammates signaling with a mirror that they’ve established a new headquarters to me and any other lost members. It seems like that’s ze place where we’re going to settle for a while.” Spy explained.
“I see. Using mirrors is an interesting way to communicate with each other.” Rarity was pretty amazed.
“… You know zhey could’ve just called me. Cellphone seems to be working just fine.” Spy sighed.
“Phone? I’m afraid I’m not familiar with such a th-” Rarity was as Spy suddenly pushed her aside.
“MMMWAAHAHAAA!!!” Suddenly the Pyro robot that was watching the two for a while decided that this was his moment to strike.
“Mon Dieu… Zhey’re adapting.” Spy said, shocked as he was looking directly at a terrifyingly Gray Pyro armed with the Scorch Shot, a Third Degree axe and worst of all… A deadly Phlogistinator. Atop his head was an enormous umbrella keeping the sunlight away from its metal body.
He stabbed the metal Pyro in the face once, causing it to back up slightly, giving Rarity a chance to regain her footing.
“You know how to stop that rude loud-mouth, right?” Rarity asked Spy as she stood back up.
“Oui. It is finally time for my moment to shine. Zhere is not a challenge I would back away from.” Spy said, super-confident in his own abilities.
“MMMPHHH!! MWAAAUUGH!!” The robot did his little taunt and started charging towards the two with great speed in a straight line while constantly spraying his flamethrower.
“Mon Dieu, run! It’s a W+M1 Pyro, zhose things are nearly unstoppable!” Spy’s confidence quickly changed into fear as the Pyro approached. Not even the Dead Ringer would be able to secure his safety from this insane robot.
Spy quickly pulled Rarity along with him before they were both caught by the hellish flames produced from the Phlogistinator. Spy desperately tried to find a set of stair or anything to jump on to perform a nice stair or trick stab to completely ruin his day, but nothing was around that would be able to help him.
This wasn’t a battlefield, it was just a simple small town. But there was always a way to win. Spy didn’t like the way he had to take care of this situation, but there was no choice. It was either that or die. And he’d gladly suffer the humiliation to live another day.
The Pyro just kept incinerating rocks, plants, and parts of some houses in his pursuit of the two, quickly charging his ‘Mmph’ meter with everything that burns.
A small pinging sound could be heard shortly after. It was completely charged and the crazed W+M1 Pyro-bot got ready to unleash hell.
“MWAHAHAHAA!!!” The Pyro proceeded to commence his battle cheer, activating the Phlogistinator’s terrifying true power.
“Stand still, little flower. It will be over soon.” Spy said to Rarity. He proceeded to casually light a cigarette.
“… Shouldn’t you do anything then? I mean, he’s standing completely still at the moment.” Rarity wondered.
“I zhink not. Zhere are some enemies that one cannot overcome. Zhe moment that insane lunatic’s flames reach us we will be burned to nothing but ashes.” Spy explained.
“… Then let’s get out of here while we can!” Rarity was getting pretty concerned. Standing around just didn’t seem like a good battle plan if that robot was as powerful as Spy said he was.
The Pyro finished his taunt and starting rushing towards the two once again with his flames spewing in front of him. Brakes were definitely not installed on this robot.
“Zhat is why zhis is Team Fortress…” Spy said as he took a puff from his cigarette.
Rarity quickly ducked to cover, but it wasn’t even necessary as a tracer round from a sniper rifle flew past her with amazing speed.
The bullet managed to completely decapitate the Pyrobot. But it didn’t go down instantly, he still managed to take a few more step before the fierce sunlight lit up the robot and caused it to explode.
“Thanks for walking in a straight line, wanker!” Sniper said as he took his hat off and took a bow, causing further humiliation to the Pyro’s death cam.
Sniper was sitting atop the roof of Fluttershy’s cottage where he was taking a look around for some reason.
“You’re lucky these ponies are so cold towards me. Otherwise I wouldn’t be bloody sitting here, mate. Ya can thank me later, Spy.” Sniper was also talking to himself apparently. Sniping’s a good job, sure. But it sure was lonely.
Back to Rarity and Spy.
“What in Celestia’s name was that?!” Rarity asked as she was clearly startled by what just occurred.
“It seems my predictions were correct and Sniper was ze one that I spotted earlier. He fired his technologically advanced sniper rifle named ze Machina in order to save us from ze Pyro. I really don’t like this, but we owe him our thanks. Let us continue. Your friends must be waiting as well.” Spy explained.
“Very well… But I’d like to avoid these bad-mannered ruffians on the way there, please.”
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
Somewhere at a completely random location.
Dozens of soldiers started gathering in front of a large building. It seemed as though someone was getting ready to hold the speech of a lifetime, undoubtedly a brilliant moment for a trailer if this were a game of something. But nothing random ever happens in this story so I’m pretty sure we’re good.
“Humans are no strangers to war… After all, we’ve been fighting for as long as we can remember.” The Chairman rose and started his inspiring speech that would definitely boost morale.
“Yeah!” Some of the soldiers responded.
“War… is all we know. In the past we fought for Imulsion, we fought for country, we fought… for freedom! But all that changed, after E-DAY!”
“For fifteen years we've been fighting for our very survival against inhuman, genocidal monsters. But it is a fight, we cannot continue. Humanity faces extinction, unless we end this war now!”
More and more people started gathering and obviously agreed with the Chairman.
“We have hoped the Light Mass bombing would have dissipated the Locust horde… But they survived, and have returned stronger than ever. They brought with them a force that can sink entire cities. Even Jacinto, our last beacon of hope through all these dark days, is at risk.”
“Soon, we'll have nothing left to defend. And that leaves us with only one option. Attack!”
“Gears. What I ask of you now is not an easy thing, but it is necessary. If we are to survive, if we are to live long enough to see the seasons pass, our children grow, and experience a time of peace we have never known. We must, now, take this fight to the Locusts!”
“We will go to where they live, and where they breed, AND WE. WILL. DESTROY THEM!”
The soldiers cheering started getting pretty loud by now. Morale was rising rapidly.
“This is the day we take the battle to the heart of the enemy. This is the day we correct the course of human history, THIS IS THE DAY, WE ENSURE OUR SURVIVAL AS A SPECIES!”
“Soldiers of the COG, my fellows Gears. GO FORTH, AND BRING BACK THE HOPE OF HUMANITY!!!" The Chairman ended his speech here.
“Yeah! Wooooh!” The crowd’s chants started getting pretty wild now. But what the hell was going on?
“E-Excuse me! We’re looking for err… Siberia. Could you point us in the right direction?” Finally a familiar face arrived. It was Saxton Hale, along with his new ninja companion.
“W-what the hell are you talking about? Have you been smoking that grub plant we confiscated earlier?” The Chairman replied, obviously annoyed by the shirtless man’s attitude.
“Look… I think we might be lost again. Could you just tell us where we are?” Saxton asked.
“Are you two insane? And what the hell are you even wearing? This is Jacinto, our last standing stronghold on Sera!”
“WHAT! So we reside no longer in the Earth realm?” The ninja replied shocked.
“Hmm, Skeletor. It appears I made a wrong turn again.” Saxton stroked his mustache as he spoke.
“For the last time, it’s Scorpion... And this is starting to get ridiculous. It’s beyond taking a wrong turn if we end up on a completely different planet or dimension or whatever this place is. You have a terrible sense of direction, you know that?” Scorpion complained.
“GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE! GEARS, Dispose of those two properly!” The Chairman gave his troops this order.
Multiple soldiers started revving up their chainsaws which were apparently applied to their gun, quite innovative.
“Flying kangaroos on a boomerang, this got way out of hand! I don’t want to beat up more people than I already have to! We better make a run for it, Skeletor!” Saxton shouted as he started running off before the COGs started shooting.
“Wait, what?” Skorpion was left behind in the line of fire, pretty confused.
“FIRE!” One of the soldiers shouted. They all proceeded doing just so.
“Ah!” Skorpion was startled, but far too experienced to die at such a place at such and time. He knew his trademark move was his only way out of here.
“GET OVER HERE!” He shouted as he threw his kunai attached to a chain directly towards his good friend, Saxton Hale.
“AH!” Judging by the Australian’s reaction, it was a direct hit. Scorpion used this opportunity to pull himself to safety.
The Chairman could only watch the two random troublemakers get away unharmed and alive.
“Damn stranded hippies.” He complained.
Slightly later.
Scorpion and Saxton Hale managed to get out safely from the crazy soldiers. Saxton did have some small injuries due to the kunai Scorpion threw, but as Soldier would say; Pain is weakness leaving the body. It’s no big deal. He’d walk it off, no problem.
“What is it Saxton-san. Your eyes, they seem absent.” Scorpion asked concerned about his friend.
“Oh, Skeletor… This is fun and all, but it’s not complete yet. Are you… ready to hear the truth?” Saxton replied with a serious look now.
“The truth… What do you mean?”
“The real reason I decided to bring you along on my adventure.”
“… Because I know where the device is that you seek? Isn´t that the reason?”
“Ha! I would find that device one way or another… But no, that’s not it. Do you remember that I told you of the universe where my employees currently reside?”
“Yes… you mentioned your blue team is currently trapped in a world with talking ponies which exist in a television show where they’re forced to fight against an army of robots originally designed by Gray Mann. With all that we’ve been through these past few hours… I’m not that surprised to hear such a thing anymore.” Scorpion said.
“Good. Now you see, these ponies have a tattoo on their flank representing their special talent. Do you understand?!”
“Understandable.”
“Once I had first witnessed this amazing show with my own two eyes, I simply couldn’t believe such a thing. I was fascinated. To be able to find out what your true talent is… I never even thought about it until then.”
“Then what happened?”
“I did some soul searching. I just couldn’t figure it out… It angered me greatly. Just beating people up couldn’t be my talent. It just couldn’t be that simple!”
“But you did find out eventually?”
“Exactly, and I’m telling you what it is… right now!” Saxton made sure to make this event as dramatic as possible.
Scorpion gasped.
“My talent is… being able to see what other people’s talents are. I don’t care what they say! Redmond and Blutarch might have hired the mercenaries, but I hand-picked them personally! And they’re the best damn mercenaries I’ve ever had the honor to witness. In fact, the reason you were able to tag along with me is because of your own personal talent, Skeletor!”
“Surely it must be my skills in ninjutsu and armed combat.” Scorpion bragged a little.
“You couldn’t be more wrong! It was obvious the moment you took off your mask. The fire… It all made sense then. You, my friend, are a master-chef!” Saxton proclaimed.
“What! Impossible, how were you able to figure out such a thing?” Scorpion was shocked, but also surprised.
“Please… Are you going to tell me a man with a flaming skull for a head doesn’t know how to grill a steak?”
“Yes, I guess it was obvious after all.” Scorpion sighed.
“Anyway, since so much stupid stuff has been going on lately, we might need to consider asking for some help.” Saxton explained.
“Do you have anyone in mind?”
“Yes… In fact, there’s only one person capable of such a task. You probably never heard of him, though. I just wonder where that weird guy Freeman is hanging out these days, he’s been kind of absent lately.” Saxton sighed, but looked up to Scorpion who was gasping once again.
“F-Freeman!? You can’t possibly mean Dr. Freeman? Tales of his legend even reached my village. You really have a connection with a person this well-known?” Scorpion said excitedly.
“Eh, Doctor? Guess that’s what they’re calling him these days. You crazy kids! I can’t possibly keep up with your modern hip talk. I guess I’m just getting old. Anyway, who else could be capable of helping us?” Saxton replied.
“Well Sub-Zero is the only other strong man I know, but I despise him. So I guess we’ll go with your choice.”
“Then let’s go to wherever he is! We’ll search the entire world if we have to! If he’s hiding somewhere, we will find him!” Saxton shouted as he got ready for their next adventure.
Once again, somewhere at a random place.
A small isolated room. There weren’t any windows. Just the door and a single chair, there was a man sitting on that chair. He wasn’t doing anything but staring at the ground.
But he knew it. He was needed somewhere. Only he possessed a certain ability to aid Saxton Hale and Scorpion, only him.
He pressed a button attached to the chair. The man now sat up, straightened his back and took a deep breath. He followed up with a long sigh.
Just a few moments, later a woman entered the room.
“Mr. Freeman, are you sure?” She asked slightly concerned.
Freeman stood up and nodded. A man this great had no need to use words to express himself properly.
“Very well then, here is your crowbar.” She said as she handed over a rusty crowbar.
Freeman accepted the object without any hesitation. He took a final sigh and stepped towards the exit of the room.
How long has it been? The light started blinding him as he ventured further outside.
It’s been far too long…
But no more! You can’t fight against your destiny. There is a moment when a man must take action himself, or else surely nothing is going to happen.
But first thing’s first… That cursed number.
It must be destroyed.
You will terrorize us no longer.
______________________________________
Author's note; Enjoy Mann vs Machine tonight. I know I will.

//-------------------------------------------------------//
                       9. Confusion.                       
//-------------------------------------------------------//
9. Confusion.
Team Fortress 2. Equestria’s Robot Invasion.  
Chapter 9. Confusion.
United States of America.
Some time had passed and Saxton Hale had arrived at the old Mann Co. headquarters. There was one final thing he had to do before continuing on his own adventure.
“Saxton… Shouldn’t we be searching for Dr. Freeman? We are wasting valuable time here doing nothing.” Scorpion stated.
“In due time. There’s just one small thing I forgot to do on that faithful day that changed everything.” Saxton said. “Ah yes, it feels like it was just yesterday.”
“I believe it was yesterday… Not that much time has passed.” Scorpion sighed.
“Oh yeah! Anyway, let me explain what I’m doing here. This place looks deserted so I guess it’s just me in charge of the company now which allows me to do whatever I damn well please. First, I’m exterminating the contract we wield with the Gray robots.” Saxton explained.
“… You made robots sign a contract?”
“Well, yeah. It’s complicated. Anyway, I don’t want those metal scumbags hanging around here anymore. Best case scenario is that they’ll just shut themselves down once this is done. After that, I’m rehiring the BLU and RED mercenaries, making them official employees of Mann Co. I know exactly what you’re thinking right now, Skeletor. It’s just a small meaningless title. But I’m sure they’ll appreciate it, and there’s no harm done, right?” Saxton said.
“Well, yeah. I guess. As long you’re going to hurry up, I don’t care.”
Saxton started ripping apart the contract that was allowing the Gray robots to fight under the Mann Co. name. But no more! The Australian just hoped that they wouldn’t decide to follow their original instructions from now on. That would turn out pretty nasty since the robots’ original designer was an enemy of the Mann Co. But that wouldn’t happen most likely since they were still powered up by Merasmus the Magician’s magic. This was also the reason for their red glowing eyes and vulnerability to the sun. Saxton just hoped the crazy magician’s magic was powerful enough.
Next the Australian signed some other contracts making the BLU and RED official employees of the company once again. Apparently, Saxton didn’t need an autograph from them or anything for this process. They’d be so happy once they found out!
After this, Saxton Hale turned around, dramatically looking up towards the sky as he prepared for some intense inner monologue action.
“Listen, Helen... It’s not too late to return. I know you loved the bloodshed just as much as I did. Robots don’t bleed. It’s just pathetic to even watch! You should know there’s only one righteous path for all of this. But just ask yourself this single question… What is more important to you? Money… or JUSTICE?!”
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
Merasmus’ Apartment.
Both the administrator and Merasmus had no place to go to after losing the company. They lost all of their resources, money, and pride. Back at Merasmus’ crummy apartment, they started planning on the next course of action they planned to take in their lives.
“I lost everything, and it’s your fault! I knew from the start hiring you would be a terrible idea!” Helen, also known as the Administrator, complained.
“YE DID NOT COMPLAI-” Merasmus was interrupted.
“And stop with the constant yelling!” She yelled.
“Oh, right. Ye did not complain when I offered ye a place to stay.” Merasmus said.
“Yes, I did. And I’m still complaining. It’s dirty… Clean up this mess, this instant!” Helen ordered.
“What?! This mess was not caused by me. But by that horrid BLU Soldier!” He explained.
“… Jane Doe hasn’t been your roommate for over 30 years. Are you saying you haven’t cleaned up in all of this time? You disgust me!” The Administrator gagged.
“YE SPEAK OF UNIMPORTANT ISSUES AGAIN! The problem remains that our well-paid jobs have been taken away from us. I will not rest at ease knowing that those accursed BLUs are not suffering a terrible fate.” Merasmus slammed his fist on the dusty coffee table.
“Yes. Tell me, why didn’t you send them to a realm of eternal agony, but rather to a world filled with happy ponies and other disgusting things?” Helen asked.
“Hmm, the Bombinomicon… It was replaced by that cursed little pony book at some point in time. I’m certain it was not Saxton Hale that replaced it judging, from his reaction earlier. There must be another person playing this game with us.” Merasmus came up with this quick explanation.
“What ignorant fool dares to meddle with our jobs? He will regret the day he was ever born! Anyway, I understand what you’re telling me, Merasmus. But what can we possibly do without an army of robots to slaughter those who oppose us?” Helen wondered.
“Do not worry. I still have a few more tricks up my sleeve. He he he.” Merasmus chuckled.
“Gentlemen, sorry to interrupt.” A third voice stated.
“What! WHO ARE YE, STRANGER? DO YOU NOT FEAR THE WRATH OF THE MOST POWERFUL AND EVIL MAGICIAN IN THE WORLD!?” Merasmus asked this unwelcomed guest as he started waving around his staff.
“Merasmus, don’t do anything foolish! I know exactly who this person is. Gray Mann…”
Gray Mann was the original owner of the Mann Co robot army. Not much is known about this strange person apart from some really weird facts.
He was born in 1822 as the youngest and smallest of the three Mann brothers and was by far the most physically weak. He was also able to speak perfectly comprehensible English ever since his birth. Gray Mann was an extremely intelligent individual.
Shortly after his birth, he was abducted by a random eagle flying through the window. He was raised by the eagle as if it was one of her own. After some years, Gray decided to violently murder the eagle along with its other children simply to eat them before crawling back to society.
Gray Mann assassinated his brothers Redmond and Blutarch in 1972, where he attempted to take over the Mann Co, which rightfully belonged to him, with an army of deadly robots. But he was stopped before he could even attempt this by Saxton Hale. The Australian also stole nearly all of Gray’s robots. Also, apparently Gray Mann had designed his own ‘respawn device’, or ‘life-extending machine’, which he had attached to his back.
These facts had always remained hidden from the other Mann Co. employees and mercenaries. From the time period of 1972-2008, Saxton Hale and Helen simply had put up two ragdolls in chairs with blue and red suits to pretend Redmond and Blutarch were still alive and well. By doing this, they could continue the endless war and make as much money as possible. Soldier was the only one that had his suspicions all of this time.
But after 2008, the Administrator became corrupted with greed. She made a secret agreement with Merasmus behind Saxton’s back to ‘dispose’ of the current mercenaries and use the robots they confiscated earlier to do the battles instead, so they could save even more money.
And now we’re here. Present day in Merasmus’ apartment with him, the Administrator and now Gray Mann. What could his intentions possibly be? Are we ever going get answers to these incredibly important questions?
“I will explain myself right away.” Gray said.
“I still don’t know who ye are! Know that none that have angered me have lived to tell the tale!” Merasmus threatened.
“Gray, please go on.” Helen said.
“Certainly. How long has it been, Helen? Since this company had taken away my life-long work? The most humane thing to do would be to stab you two repeatedly in the back. But luckily, both of you can still prove yourselves useful.”
“Get to the point.” Helen coldly ordered.
“Very well. I am aware of the events that occurred earlier. We now have a common enemy as it would seem. I would like to ask you two to join me in my quest to take over the Mann Co, which rightfully belongs to me.” Gray explained.
“What are you offering us?” Helen frowned.
“Your uhh… lives?” Gray replied.
“I don’t know… that doesn’t sound very tempting.” Helen lingered.
“Fine… Whatever you earned a few days ago plus let’s see… an additional 10%? How does that sound?” Gray proposed.
“Make it 17% and we have a deal.” Helen was very quick to agree. She shook Gray’s hand to confirm the deal.
Merasmus on the other hand…
“YE!!! How dare ye barge in my house and offer us this meaningless money! There is no price ye can pay for me to kneel before ye! Saruman and Voldemort are a welcoming sight next to me. Especially when I’ve bestowed my terrible wrath upon thee!” Merasmus waved around his staff and appeared to be summoning lightning around him.
“That’s what I figured, but everyone has a price. Tell me, Mr. Magician, is this your price?” Gray asked as he suddenly grabbed a dusty tome from his pocket.
“The Bombinomicon… Did ye steal it from me?” Merasmus asked.
“Steal? No, I acquired it. But it is currently in my possession. Work for me and you will receive it as soon our tasks are complete. Next to that, I promise you will live like a king for the rest of your life.” Gray said.
“Very well then. To retrieve that book I will do anything. What is it we’re actually doing, anyway?” Merasmus wondered.
“That’s very simple. We will eliminate the RED first. Then we will continue to murder the BLUs and their current associates. And most importantly… retrieve my robots.” Gray explained.
“Aye… Getting to that realm isn’t hard with my magic. I’ll just need a portal device. Something that’s connected to that world in any way. Something like… The internet! Unfortunately I don’t own a computer because they’re so complicated, so we’re going to have to go to the library!” Meramus said excitedly.
“I’m afraid it’s not that simple. There is still one man that stands in our way. Or actually it's two men now, and soon to be… three. We can’t progress as long they still walk around freely.” Gray sighed.
“You don’t mean…” Helen gasped.
“Gentlemen. We are going to assassinate Saxton Hale and his formidable team. May they never get their hands on the Respawn device. This will be our main priority from now on. As we are the antagonists, of course. He he.” Gray chuckled.
“That sounds like a death-wish. But I can’t leave without the Bombinomicon. I will fight with ye, Gray Mann.” Merasmus stated.
“Hmm. And what about the BLUs in that disgusting looking world?” Helen asked.
“Don’t worry about them for now. Mr. Hale has, as it seems, terminated the contracts with my robots, which means they will soon shut down unless you disconnect your magical connection with them right away.” Gray said to Merasmus.
“Wait… If I supply them with magic more from now on… They will shut down?” Merasmus asked. It didn’t seem to make a whole lot of sense.
“Indeed. Disconnect them immediately so they will follow their original orders again. To simply destroy the Mann Co and its employees. So that way, they will finish off the BLUs for us.” Gray said.
“But… how can they still walk without my magic controlling them? We never found any place to put fuel or something.”
“They have a different power resource. They run on actual money. Disconnect them from your magic immediately!” Gray ordered.
“Fine, fine. Ye don’t have to yell. There, it’s done. Happy now?” Merasmus asked as he snapped his fingers.
“Good. Then we will continue with our priority; Mr. Saxton Hale. I know exactly who he’s looking for and where. So I already have a trap set up for him. We must now play the waiting game, and soon enough, I’ll be one step closer to world domination! Ha ha ha!” Gray started chuckling again.
“Don’t you mean… your rightful place at the Mann Co?” Helen asked.
“Oh, yes. That as well.”
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
Equestria. A bit earlier.
The BLUs had already introduced themselves to Ponyville. Pinkie Pie had apparently organized a huge welcoming party. Unfortunately, nopony showed up as none were that interested in meeting aliens. The only humans that showed up were Pyro and Engineer. The rest conveniently overslept as they all still waited for the return of Soldier with news from the Princess.
“So uhh… Ah’m sorry the guys didn’t show up. Ah’m sure they had something important to do.” Engineer said to Pinkie Pie, who seemed rather down that no one showed up at her party.
“Yeah… They’re probably busy. That’s it.” Pinkie sighed as her mane deflated.
“Mmpph.” Pyro said charmingly.
“What’s that, Pyro? You’re saying that they don’t like parties?” Pinkie translated.
“Mmpph.” He replied.
“I see… That just doesn’t make any sense, Pyro. You’re just talking gibberish now!” Pinkie shouted.
“Ah know, right?” Engineer added.
“Mmpph mmphh!” Pyro responded angrily.
“What?! That just crazy talk. What weird pony doesn’t like par-tays?” Pinkie wondered.
“Mmpph.”
“Well, yeah… I guess they’re not ponies. But we’re still really similar!”
“Mmpph!”
“STOP SAYING THOSE HURTFUL THINGS, PYRO! I don’t believe you!” Pinkie shouted.
“MMPPH!”
“… Ah see ya got things covered here, Pyro. Ah got some unfinished business myself. So Ah’ll just head back for now, okay?” Engineer asked.
Pyro nodded, he had the situation completely under control. He gave another thumbs up to confirm this.
“Don’t you ignore me now, mister! My parties aren’t kiddy at all! I’ll show you a highly sophisticated adult party, no problem!” Pinkie Pie shouted as she poked Pyro.
Engineer just Noped the heck out of there because he had already heard way too much. Besides, his unfinished business couldn’t wait any longer.
He returned to Twilight Sparkle’s library. It was also currently known as the Interrogation Station for the BLUs at the moment.
He grabbed his backpack, which seemed to hold over 20 different weapons and a great deal of metal and hats. Also, the decapitated robot Spy Crab head from a few chapters back was still in there.
“Mon Dieu! You’re not going to torture me, are you? BOOP.” It asked concerned.
Engineer answered by whacking him with his wrench. “Now listen here, mister! You’re gonna tell me all about you and yer crazy robot friends. Where y’all hide? How y’all work? Everything! Do Ah make mahself clear?” Engineer said as intimidating as possible.
“Never! I would sooner die!” The Spycrab replied confidently.
“Wrong answer, boy.” Engineer prepared to whack him once again.
“BEEP. No, no! Don’t hit me again, please!” The Spycrab was now begging for his life. Even though he was just a robot… And just a head, obviously.
“How nice of ya to come around. Start talking then.” Engineer said.
“Oui. We are located far behind ze f-” The robot paused for no reason. It seemed as if it just powered down.
“Hey, wake up, boy!” Engineer gave him a little slap. It didn’t seem to work. Its red glowing eyes had completely vanished and nothing but blackness remained.
Must’ve probably broken down. It was such a wimpy bot, anyway. Also, it didn’t really make sense that it was still able to be working at full capacity while its head was cut off from its body. Just a delayed shutdown probably. It was very unfortunate since he could’ve provided the BLUs with valuable information.
Engineer prepared to clean up the mess before Twilight Sparkle would return home. He was sure she definitely wouldn’t appreciate that he attempted to torture a robot’s head in her living room.
“BEEP. BOOP. BEEP. BOOP.” Just as Engineer picked up the head, it started making really loud mechanical noises.
“What the hell?” He said, confused as the robot powered up again before his eyes. However, its eyes weren’t red anymore. They were more of a light shaded blue.
“DEATH TO THE MANN CO.” It yelled.
“Uh-oh… This can’t be goo-“ Engineer was interrupted as the Spycrab managed to take a nice bite out of the Texan’s hand.
“DAG-NABBIT DAMN IT!” He shouted out in pain as he wasn’t wearing a safety glove in this particular hand. It started bleeding heavily. He threw the head as far away as possible.
“Oh, hey there, Engineer! I had no idea you were here already!” Twilight Sparkle said as she just walked in the room right at this moment.
*CRASH*
“WHAT HAPPENED HERE?” Twilight shouted. “DID YOU MURDER SOME-PONY?!” She wondered as her entire living room was covered in blood and her window was broken.
“Uhh, no that’s my own blood actually. Damn Spahcrab bit me. Didn’t even know those things have teeth.” Engineer explained.
“Okay… I think I believe you. You should let some pony take care of that wound. And why exactly did you break my window just now?” Twilight asked.
“Cause that damn Spycrab bit me! What else could Ah have done?”
“So you just threw it out the window?” Twilight frowned.
“Yeah… Well, the sun is their main weakness. Ah guess Ah just did the first thing that came to mind.” Engineer explained.
“DEATH TO MANN CO!!!” They heard a voice shout from outside.
“He doesn’t look really weakened to me…” Twilight stated as she saw the Spycrab’s head rolling around outside. She, along with Engineer immediately rushed outside.
“What the heck?! I saw those things explode earlier just from being exposed to the sun for a single second! What the heck changed?”
“The plot…” A distant smooth voice answered from the sky. As if the gods themselves were communicating with them.
“Did… ya just hear a creepy voice from the sky? Is that normal ‘round here?” Engineer asked.
“No… It is not.” Twilight replied, slightly frightened.
“Anyway, putting that scary voice from the sky aside, we still got to deal with this guy and come up with a plan for a possible invasion. You know… we no longer have the daylight advantage apparently.” Engineer stated.
“You have an idea then?” Twilight asked.
“Ah sure do! We create an entire army of some sort of mechanical constructions to fight against the robots for us!” Engineer said excitedly.
A silence followed.
“SCREAMING EAGLES!!!” A familiar voice could now be heard from the sky. It was Soldier, along with Derpy. Hopefully they had returned with good news.
Soldier was rocket jumping as usual and apparently, he heard all about Engineer’s stupid plan and decided to jump in himself.
“POW!” He smacked the Spycrab’s head which was still rolling in the dirt directly with his Marker Gardener. The robot obviously exploded on impact and it was glorious to say the least.
“No more words from you, maggot! This is exactly why I’m the leader. Create an army of mechanical constructions to fight against robots… Do you have any idea how ridiculous that sounds?” Soldier complained.
“Oh, hey, Solly! Good to see ya again. How did it go with the Princess?” Engineer asked.
“SHUT IT, PRIVATE. I’m asking the questions here! From what I can gather, the robots seem to have developed a healthy hatred towards the Mann Co, am I correct?” Soldier asked.
“Ya sure are.”
“Then there’s obviously only one thing we can do! We create a base and write the Mann Co name all around it. The robots will think it’s our main base and will try to destroy it. We, however, will just wait for them to come and destroy those metal dirtbags one by one.” Soldier proposed.
“That is… a brilliant idea, Solly! How did ya come up with that?” Engineer replied amazed.
“What are they exactly talking about?” Twilight asked Derpy. Both ponies were looking either confused or tired.
“I have no idea any more. Just let things happen. That’s probably for the best.” Derpy replied.
“… I have a lot of free time. I named it Decoy, by the way.” Soldier answered.
“That’s fine. So we’ll create this ‘Decoy’ and camp out the robots with all of us mercenaries and them royal ponies’ best forces and we’ll clear them out in no time!” Engineer said.
“Camp? Royal pony forces? Err… You are still wrong, maggot! I can’t have more than 6 people on that base or it will become too obvious. We have no idea how large the robots' numbers are. We just need to do this so we can make an assumption on how large this army is and what we’re dealing with.” Soldier explained.
“Yes… That makes perfect sense, pardner! If you and me work together, we’ll have that base done by tomorrow.” Engineer said.
“Really… Tomorrow? How is it possible to build an entire base in just a single day? You need a location, supplies, and so many other things. It’s simply ridiculous to assume you can make such a thing happen.” Twilight stated.
“Don’t worry. We’ll use the power of editing. It’ll be fine.” Engineer explained.
“I, uhh… Never mind.” Twilight sighed.
“Alright. Me, You, Heavy, Medic, Pyro, and Scout should be the ideal team to deal with this. Gather them and tell them to prepare on our first fight against the robots tomorrow!” Soldier ordered.
“Ah don’t know, pardner. It hardly seems fair to our new pony friends. Ah’m sure they also want to help as much as they can.” Engineer turned his head towards Twilight Sparkle.
“Oh, uh. That’s totally fine. We really don’t want to deal with that scary stuff.” Twilight said.
“Nonsense! If ya just believe, ya can achieve anything! Ah’m sure y’all will be a great addition to our team.” Engineer said happily.
“I really don’t want t-“ Twilight was interrupted.
“And since yer supposedly so good with magic, ya can replace Pyro and take over his tasks. Ah’m sure you’ll do great!”
“You’re not going to take no for an answer… are you?” Twilight asked.
“Nope.” Engineer replied with a smile.
“Fine… What do I need to do? Just set everything on fire as an insane lunatic?” Twilight asked.
“What? How dare ya be so disrespectful towards Pyro’s job! It’s a lot more than just spraying flames. And just for that insult, yer gonna spend the rest of the day with him for some intense Pyro-training. Ah’m sure you’ll appreciate it later.” Engineer ordered Twilight even though he was in no position to.
“I don’t want to spend an entire day with that creepy guy!” Twilight complained.
“He’s not a creepy guy! He’s just a bit different. You’ll get used to him. Would ya feel better if ya could bring along a friend?” Engineer asked.
“Yeah… I guess.”
“Good. Party Pink is already with him somewhere at the town’s square. Go meet them and don’t come back until ya know everything about being a Pyro!”
“Her name is Pinkie Pie. And uhh, I don’t think that… You know what? I’ll just go do this stupid thing just so you’ll stop being so incredibly dense.” Twilight finally decided to just go with the flow and walked off, still complaining silently.
“Alrighty then! One more change, though. Let’s replace Scout with that blue flying pony. That boy has been driving me crazy with his constant bragging about his new hat.” Engineer said to Soldier.
“Sounds like a plan.” Soldier agreed for some reason.
“Uhh, Are ya sure? You know I just replaced two very capable mercenaries in our team with uhh… little ponies.”
“You replaced our incomprehensible flaming maniac with one of this world’s most promising magical students and that loud mouthed brat from Boston with the fastest flyer in this land. I can live with that. Oh, get another one actually. We need an announcer.” Soldier said.
“That’s right! It won’t be the same without someone yelling at us. I’ll see who Ah can get. But we really got to get started on Plan Decoy. The sooner we begin, the sooner we’re done.” Engineer replied.
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
Canterlot, Equestria’s first national bank.
The ponies in Canterlot were enjoying a fine sunny day. Life here was easy in the safe and comforting capital of Equestria. Crime was at an all-time low and apart from the recent Changeling invasion, nothing really special happened around here these days. Just like the ponies preferred it.
The civilians came here to the bank, which was staffed with some of the friendliest ponies you’ve ever met, and guarded by some of the finest Royal Guards, to withdraw or deposit their well-earned bits.
Absolutely nothing could go wrong on a beautiful day like this!
*BOOM*
Someone apparently blew up the front entrance for no good reason. All of the ponies inside the bank stopped their actions for a second to see what was going on.
“ALRIGHT, THIS IS AN ARMED ROBBERY! PUT UP THOSE HANDS! SHOW THEM WHERE I CAN SEE THEM! BOOP.” A Soldier-bot shouted with his robotic voice as he stormed in along with several other of his companions, all fully armed to the teeth.
“By Celestia, notify the Princesses immediately! We’ll hold them off as long as we can!” One of the Royal Guards commanded his co-worker. One was luckily able to get away before a dozen of Scouts started chasing after him, armed with baseball bats and balls.
Nopony was prepared for such an unlikely situation, and had no idea how to deal with it. It didn’t take long before a mass panic emerged from all of the confusion. Some tried to run passed the robots in order to escape, but it was all in vain as they were stopped by three giant Pyros, all wearing sombreros, who were blocking the exit.
A young careless filly wandered away from the safety of her parents and tried to confront the leader of this diabolical pack of robots. A foolish decision that would not be without any consequences.
“M-mister… Are you going to hurt us?” She asked, frightened with the most innocent voice imaginable.
The Soldier-bot, with a diabolical look on his face, approached the young filly. The Royal Guards took notice of this, but were unable to grab in as they had their hooves full just stopping the roaming Scout-bots.
The Gray Soldier kneeled down and placed his dark, cold, robotic hand on the filly’s head. With an emotionless face, he stared her directly in the eyes.
“BEEP. Don’t worry. That would be pretty dark and I’m pretty sure we’re PG-13 robots. We will not harm you unless we are provoked.” He explained.
The young girl felt relieved, but more questions needed answering now.
“Then what do you want?” She asked.
“That’s very simple, Private! We just want all of your money.” The Soldier-bot stated.
“By Celestia! They’re after Canterlot’s bit-supply! But you’ll never get to the safe! It’s guarded by a defensive magical barrier. Don’t you see it’s futile, foolish robots?” A Royal Guard said.
“We’ll see about that, maggot!”
*Thump*
*Thump*
*Thump*
The ground started shaking as a giant robot, even larger than the previous ones, appeared followed by several smaller robots that had wheels rather than legs.
Its weapon was the size of an elephant and the sound it produced was ear-deafening even though it wasn’t firing at all.
At this point, the Royal Guard knew they had to give up on defending the safe and focus on escorting the civilians away from this dangerous place. They just prayed that the Princess would be able to help them in time.
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
Ponyville. Pinkie Pie, Pyro and Twilight Sparkle.
Twilight had arrived at Pyro’s location and explained the situation to him and Pinkie Pie. Of course, Pyro immediately agreed to train her to become the best damn pyromaniac ever.
The only problem was that Twilight Sparkle could simply not understand what the hay Pyro was saying. But that’s why Pinkie Pie was there! Her new special ability to translate for Pyro was pretty convenient, after all.
“I still don’t understand why I need to do all of this… From what I’ve seen and heard, the only thing you do is set things on fire.” Twilight complained.
“MMMPPHH!!” Pyro replied angrily.
“Yeah, Twilight! How can you be so rude!” Pinkie added.
“I… I don’t know? That’s what he does, isn’t it?” Twilight asked.
“Mmmpphh!” Pyro replied.
“He said if you’re not going to take this seriously, just pack in your Gibus and get out of here.” Pinkie translated.
“My what now? Ughh… I’m sorry. Please tell me how to become a professional Pyro like you.” Twilight tried her best not to roll her eyes.
“Mmmphh mmph. Hudda mmmpphh.” Pyro explained.
“He said the key to becoming a good Pyro is having a functioning brain. The flames are just to create chaos in the enemies’ defenses. Most of the damage comes from his secondary weapons anyway.” Pinkie translated.
“Okay, I’ll start writing this down.” Twilight said.
“Mmmph hudda, mmmphh!” Pyro said.
“And being is Pyro isn’t all about offense. You’re often needed to ‘Spy-check’ and spray some flames in other areas where one might be hiding. Keep an eye out for burning teammates. You can extinguish them by clicking the Mouse 2 button.”
“Alright… the mouse 2 button?” Twilight frowned.
“Mmmpphh.” Pyro explained.
“It’s an airburst. You can also use this ability to create some distance between you and a stronger enemy such as an ubered medic or his buddy. Or, when near bridges, holes, or anything like that, you can use the blast to push them in. The air blast can also reflect enemy projectiles such as missiles, grenades, arrows, Jarate, and flare shots.”
Pyro might’ve been an unstable and unpredictable individual. But he was an expert at his job. He wasn’t your average W+M1 Pyro, oh no. He owned several hats, which clearly meant he was a professional. Just like the rest of the BLUs.
Twilight now realized that they weren’t as crazy as they might’ve seemed at first glance. Well… they still were, but at least they were professionals and took their jobs as seriously as possible.
She wrote down everything Pyro had told her thus far. Surely there would be a lot more interesting things to hear from him, so she was eager to spend the rest of the day training with him, preparing for the battle that may or may not come tomorrow.
Hopefully, Soldier and Engineer can make their ridiculous plan work. Otherwise, Equestria might be in a lot of trouble with all of these robots roaming around freely. It would also be nice to know how many robots they’re dealing with.
But whatever happens, Twilight and her friends, along with the BLU mercenaries, are ready for what is to come.
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/