now that trump is the president maybe twillight sparkle will be my girlfriend

by Raw Cringe

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance, Self Insert, Sex, Human, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 2152

I sure hope so

I always wanted a twilight sparkle girlfriend well but i got a new president. they say out with the old in with the devil you don't know but I dunno I didn't see it for myself ok I just read it online

Published 2017-01-20 12:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-01-20 12:20:01 UTC

sure would like a twilight kiss maybe a cuddle know what i'm saying??

"hmm yeah baby gimme them kisses" I said to no one because I was way too alone for any kissing to happen or any kind of non-genital physical touching such like as a hug or a bathtime scrubbin

yeah i am all about that non-genital physical contact dawg yessir. non-genital is the best. hmm yeah I enjoy a good warm hug ok so what sue me hahaha you big noob

anyway

"whoa it's way too alone in here" I said. my soft couch and blankie cuddle me when no one else will. "it's like I'm in the ALONE ZONE"

then I remembered "at least Trump will be the President" I yelled "Whoopee!" hey I don't care what my therapist said lol she is stupid

you know you don't want to make me angry ok. I am usually a glorious model beacon of patience but don't get me angry and the good best way to fill me with burning explosive anger is to talk bad about trump. I also like nintendo games and twilight sparkle

"think I will run to the store real quick for some mountain dew" I thought I didn't say it because I was alone

I went to the store and got some mountain dew and I thought about how much stuff I would steal if there weren't any cameras. I think I would steal all the meat first or like at least the beef jerky

I checked out and the register there was a total uggo. ew she was like ugh i don't want to talk about it

so I walked home wondering about why I am alone all the time. I opened my mountain dew and I drank it pretty good because it is a good drink and I like it. sometimes I like to think about economics , like how a million people or something like that have to have jobs just to make one bottle of mountain dew. it makes my head feel light and I become conscious of breathing and I think that I should feel happy but I don't really feel anything anymore lately

got to my door and I was thinking about lips. i don't care about my lips or ever think about them but sure man I am a man I have needs ok yes I admit it I love to think about Twilight Sparkle's lips

maybe I could think about my own lips the way that I think about twilight sparkle's lips. no dude hear me out I could like enginneer my mind like a zen buddhist so that I can change my likes and dislikes. no hey listen that's really a thing ok I know you can do this. it's just a simple trick, you just have to give up all worldly possessions and live moment to moment from the charity of strangers, embracing all suffering and pleasure that comes to you with joy & equinamity, gratitude humility etc it's not that hard

no but I guess twilight lips are different because her lips are girl lips

hey do you ever, like—I mean, my first thought when I think of girl lips or like earlobes, places like that, I imagine myself biting down as hard as i can onto the big fat lips. I would like to bite something as hard as I can without hurting either it or myself

I opened my door and holy SH!T Twilight Sparkle is on my couch!!!

I go over to her and I see she's asleep. My first thought it whether I should rape her while she sleeps but like, wow, that's a shitty thought, now I made myself sad again.

Also hey wasn't I just saying how non-genital contact is the best? oh yeah that's right I was trying to fool myself, I mean trick myself... ok I got it... I mean tell myself the truth.

hmm these self-conscious thoughts have to be from a cause yeah so you know my favorite recreation is thinking about destroying self-awareness but it's hard to grasp the root of self awareness

anyway so here lies Twilight in front of me ok lying on my couch

rape having been ruled out by every psychological force in my mind working in unison I now have to decide what to do

a number of thoughts occur to me all simultaneously in one act of thinking. it is almost more a metaphysical grasping, like I have understood that there was a cosmic joke at work here and I feel the humiliation and through the humiliation I understand every single aspect of the situation in detail without the need of a discursive thought

(1)I am curious as to why she is here, how and why

(2)first level excitement yes! this is the girl I wanted. maybe it is the work of Trump?

(3)next level despair. I am pretty ugly and wimply, skinny unshaven etc. I will not be able to woo her

(4)desire and failure create meta analysis: why did I want this? what did I think the result would be? what did I really expect?

(5)if I had changed my way of living years ago I might have been prepared for this day, but I did not, and now I am not

(6)so it is my own fault

(7)but I DIDN'T MAKE TWILIGHT SPARKLE APPEAR ON MY COUCH OK IT'S NOT MY FAULT THAT THIS IS HAPPENING TO ME

(8)so the cosmos did it and the cosmos has played a cruel joke on me by picking on me

(9)look I never asked for this ok, well maybe I did ask for it in my imagination, but come the fuck on, everyone imagines things, why would this particular thing happen to me in particular. it's too stupid for words

(10)all I want to do is hide myself away ok look I know I am no prize for a lady and a princess like Twilight Sparkle. I thought I was hiding myself away pretty good sitting here alone all the time in the ALONE ZONE ok I thought I was being good to the world by staying my self away from the world with my weirdo thoughts and my ugly fucking face and my neediness

(11)honest to God I tried my best to hide ok I didn't want to burden anyone with myself and I didn't put any effort toward changing that ok I did what I was supposed to

(12)I get the daydream again where I am at a house party and all the girls I ever liked are there and they are gathered in the main living room and I am in the kitchen. I curl into a ball in the corner and activate my magical force field that make me invisible and silent and keeps people away. No one notices I am missing, and I keep the force field activated because of the feelings of moral duty like a great crushing boulder atop my heart demanding that I keep that force field engaged even at the cost of my own life.

While I stand stunned by the explosion of thought I see Twilight fidget a little bit. I think she is waking up and a small part of me panics but I bury that part.

She rubs her eyes a little, grunts and sits up. She squints in the light. I remain silent because I am a moron

she looks at me real good ok I get a little chill. I think I would like to cry a little bit because I don't like the feeling I'm getting. it's not a feeling of non-genital contact

she looks me up and down and says: "Oh, hi, Mr. Cringe! I'm Twilight Sparkle, and I'm here because President Trump heard you were lonely. Nice to meet you!" She stuck out her hoof to shake my hand.

I shook her hoof but my face was blank. I wanted to ask her if she was serious or not because this was starting to sound like a bad fan fiction. However I couldn't find a polite way to ask, so I said something different.

"Do you... want some Mountain Dew?" I said.

"Oooh, Mountain Dew..." said Twilight Sparkle. "How... exotic," she said and fluttered her eyelashes.

I struggle to find an explanation for the way she is looking at me that is not flirtatious but find none. I feel my gorge rising as I endeavor to come to grips with this wild new turn of events. I almost want to ask her if she is a prostitute now...

Twilight tackles me playfully and grabs the mountain dew. "Mountain Dew! Oohh, I just loooooove human juice!" she says and levitates the dew bottle up over her head before tilting it forward and letting it pour all over her face in a possibly inappropriate and definitely somewhat erotic manner.

well look now I am stuck with a horse girl on top of me! oh nooooo! it's exactly like one of those wacky animes where two sexy teenagers slip on the same banana peel and accidentally fuck

"All right Cringe, it's time to FUCK!" says Twilight Sparkle, who is on top of me. I am breathing too heavily to hide my true feelings and I contemplate ways to stop my breathing so hard

"whoa hold the phone" I say "you can't be serious right now. Have you seen me? Seen my teeth? My teeth are all rotten," I say, and show her my blackened, scum-coated teeth, "because I drink too much mountain dew and never brush my teeth."

"Mmm, baby, say that again," says Twilight Sparkle, rolling her eyes back in ecstasy. "It gets me hot when you talk about your scum-coated black teeth." She is real close to me okay and I see up close the wetness of her mane and the three colors of purple that are in her mane & tail. I get a good whiff of her horse smell too and it is pretty fuckin wild not gonna lie

I'm not even thinking straight at this point ok but I still know that out of all possible things under God in heaven the one thing that can never EVER happen is Twilight Sparkle and me making genital physical contact

"Look" I say "You can't do this to me. I'm a... a... a v-virgin!"

I close my eyes and push Twilight off me with a loud CRASH. I stand up and look around and think of running outside but I don't want to be rude. Twilight gets up and gives me a devilish grin. "Ooh, you like it rough, huh? All right then, we'll do it the... mmm!... haaaaard way"

I'm running out of options here ok. I get out of the living room and I run into the kitchen. it's a big pile of dirty dishes in there and old garbage but I grab a knife because I just want to show her that I'm serious ok and we are NOT going to make any physical contact except of the non-genital variety. I don't want to hurt her or even scare her, just make her see a little bit of reality

I grab a big meat cleaver, deadly sharp and heavily weighted. I turn around and I see Twilight looking at me with that same look. She is licking her lips in a sultry way and I think it is really unfair the way that she is able to almost change my mind just by being so beautiful.

I really do start to cry now as I hold my knife. The tears flow and I crumple into a ball in the corner. I hide my head in my knees because this can't be happening and if I ignore it maybe it will all just go away. Maybe it will just suddenly end like a terrible nightmare; end, and leave me all alone again.

Through the sobs I think I hear Twilight Sparkle sigh. She says something.

"I don't think this is going to work out, Mr. President."

My chest is quavering with each tearful gasp. I look up slowly and see that the light is on in my bathroom. I hear the toilet flush.

Then, out from my bathroom, walks President Donald Trump.

He looks me up and down while I am a sobbing mess. I can't believe the cosmos has done this to me.

Trump steps silently into my garbage-strewn kitchen, lifting his billionaire's legs over an empty case of mountain dew cans. I look up at him, and he looks down at me.

"You're a loser, Cringe," he said. "You should've grabbed her by the pussy!"

Then he turned around and began taking his leave, Twilight Sparkle trailing behind him.

I only caught one other word before he shut the door and left my home forever:

"Sad!"