Auntie Screwball

by Mel

Rating: everyone
Tags: Diamond Tiara, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Sad, Other
Length: 1808

Diamond Tiara gets a visit from Screwball

After Family Appreciation Day, Diamond Tiara is feeling less than appreciative about pretty much everything. A visit from Aunt Screwball changes that... until Filthy Rich shows up, and things suddenly grow very cold.

Published 2012-07-04 20:24:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-07-04 20:24:02 UTC

Auntie Screwball

Two hours.

Two miserable hours of hopping and singing in that degrading outfit. Two hours of looking like a freak in front of the other children. And, perhaps worst of all, two hours of that smug look on Apple Bloom’s face.

Diamond Tiara tore off the ridiculous bunny ears and spat them on the ground. Stomping them to the dirt, she replaced her namesake and sulked further on. She didn’t care where her feet took her, anywhere would be better than this horrible, tiny town! She huffed at the thought of it- Ponyville starting with some cooky old lady and her stupid farm? As if. Her great grandpa Stinkin’ Rich could have started this town himself. He could have made it more glamorous than it was now, if only that Granny Smith hadn’t held him back.

But it wasn’t Granny Smith she was mad at right now. She was mad at Apple Bloom for making her look like a fool. She was mad at Silver Spoon for betraying her. And she was especially mad at her daddy for making her do that stupid zap apple dance like… like… like some common servant! She shouldn’t have to do these things; their family should have butlers and maids to do it for them! But Tiara’s father, Filthy Rich, never sprung for hired help. If he really loved her, he would stop buying her things and start buying her ponies. Why did poor ponies like Apple Bloom have silly relatives to laugh and play with but she couldn’t even have two parents?

“It’s not fair!” she fumed as she kicked a stone along her winding little path. The sun hit the ground in patches through the treetops. “Why is she so happy? Granny Smith is, like, a total embarrassment! I’m glad I don’t know anypony as silly as her! I would just die!”

She trotted up to the little stone and paused. “So why does she look so happy?”

Diamond Tiara wound up and kicked the stone as hard as she could. It collided with a tree and rebounded unexpectedly back towards her. She threw her hooves protectively around her face as it bounced lightly off of her and started to roll down the path. She put down her hooves to look at the small green ball that had rebounded off of her face. That wasn’t the same rock she kicked.

The ball showed no signs of slowing, and Tiara was too curious to let it go. She chased it down the path, trying to catch it in her hooves. Every time she leapt at the ball, it lurched forward to evade her. She was growing increasingly frustrated until she was finally able to get both of her hooves onto the ball with a triumphant grunt.

“Like, finally! I can’t believe that took so long.”

“Well I’m sorry, but it’s hard to make it all the way out here.”

Diamond Tiara’s eyes slowly crept away from the pink hooves that grasped the tennis ball. She saw a pair of hooves with almost the same color as her own but belonging to a full grown mare. Following them upwards she found herself looking into a tangled mane of purple and white, topped with a small purple beanie with a green propeller propped up by a spiraling horn. At the centre of this chaotic frame was a set of deep purple eyes that seemed to swirl into themselves in a constant vortex. These eyes smiled down at Tiara.

“Auntie Screwball!” yelled Tiara, jumping into the mare’s forelegs.

“Auntie me!” she replied, receiving Diamond Tiara in a swinging embrace. “How has my favourite cotton candy cloud been?”

“Oh, auntie, it’s been just awful! This was the worst day ever! You won’t believe what happened, and… auntie, why do you have a horn?”

“Well, I’ve always wondered what it would be like to use magic,” Screwball’s horn glowed as she levitated the tennis ball into her hoof. “But it’s really overrated. Ice cream is lots better.” She snapped off her horn, pointed it down and threw the tennis ball on top. When it landed, the horn had been replaced by a conical wafer and the ball became a dripping sphere of violet ice cream. The treat was offered to Diamond Tiara.

The little filly giggled in amazement, taking the cone eagerly. Though she could see her hooves pluck the treat from Screwball’s hooves, there was still an identical copy resting there. As if she never took it. Tiara giggled in delighted wonder.

“How do you do that, auntie?”

Screwball took a lick of her cone. “Well, I get some help from someone very special.”

“…Don’t you mean ‘somepony,’ auntie?”

“Well… a pony sure is one of the things that he is. But what’s more important is that he can make wishes come true. Now why don’t you tell auntie what happened, my little dreamer. What’s this I hear about an Apple Bloom?”

“Oh, auntie, it was the worst! I was just trying to show her what a crazy old bat her grandmother was, but she wouldn’t listen to me! In fact, she convinced everypony in class that Ponyville wouldn’t exist without her, and then they made me dress up in a stupid bunny costume and sing to watering cans! It was so humiliating, and it was all Apple Bloom’s fault!”

“Oh, my poor little cotton candy cloud!” Screwball hugged Tiara tightly. “Don’t you worry at all about those mean little ponies. It’s just a matter of time before auntie Screwball and her special friend can give you those spoiled little children on a silver platter. Then you can do whatever you want with them! What are you going to do with them, sweetie? If you could make anything happen to them?”

“Well… if I could do anything to Apple Bloom and her friends? I don’t know… maybe turn them to a book, or a bird?”

“Oh, sweetie, please try to be more creative than that. Your friends and that Filthy father of yours will all get what’s coming to them. There’s no limit to what we can do when Daddy breaks out.”

“The only ‘Daddy’ that Diamond Tiara needs to worry about is as free as he’ll ever be.” A weary, brown buck in a torn business collar struggled his way through the suffocating foliage. His mane and tail were greased back and dark circles lined his eyes. “Unhoove my daughter.”

Screwball let Diamond Tiara drop to the ground and took three measured steps back. Tiara’s ears drooped and she averted her gaze.

“Well, if it isn’t Filthy.”

“That’s Mr. Rich to you. But if I recall correctly, you’re not ever supposed to be near enough to say that name.”

“My mistake, Filthy. In all of the zap apple commotion, I must have forgotten. I just saw our poor Tiara here in distress and thought I might comfort her, like a good parent would. I’m sure you would have done it yourself, but you were busy humiliating her in front of her friends.”

“I wasn’t humiliating her, I was showing her humility. It’s one of the things that raise us above animals and monsters. Ponies who forget that tend to fall in with … unpredictable elements.” He narrowed his eyes at Screwball. Next to her spiraling orbs, his earthy brown irises seemed impossibly grounded and immovable.

“What fun is there in being predictable? It never helped you. Little Tiara needs a father who can do more than scold her and try to apologize with petty little gifts. There’s only one Daddy she needs… a much better Daddy.” Screwball smiled with sickening sweetness, and a sudden wind spun the propeller on her beanie.

Filthy Rich set his jaw. “Diamond Tiara needs a father, not a lawn ornament.” Screwball sneered and tried to speak, but Rich was having none of it. “Now leave this place and never come back, or I’ll introduce you to certain elements of our own. Harmonious ones.”

Screwball’s eyes narrowed and darkened, and the wind picked up. Her beanie spun so fast it threatened to lift her off of the ground. “As subtle as ever, Filthy. You can’t stop us, you know. He will be free again.”

“I think it’s time you left, Crown.”

Screwball sneered and held her position for several seconds. When she left, it was into the thick, obscuring shrubbery. Just before the foliage consumed her she turned back to the slumping Diamond Tiara and smiled like she had before Filthy Rich had come. “Don’t worry, my little cotton candy cloud. I’ll be back.”

When she had vanished from sight Diamond Tiara turned her gaze to the dirt path.

Filthy Rich walked up to her. He worked his jaw, trying to come up with the right explanation. “I was worried sick about you,” he said instead.

“You always do this!” Diamond Tiara lifted her head and stared into her father accusingly. “Every time auntie Screwball comes over you always make her leave! She’s just trying to make me happy, daddy!”

“She’s… she’s not, pumpkin. She’s… um, what she wants… you’ll understand when you’re older.”

“No! I understand now! Auntie Screwball’s the only one who cares about me!”

“Pumpkin-” Rich tried to reach out to Tiara, but she batted him away, crossing her forelegs. “Crown- Screwball is trying to trick you, not help you.”

Tiara turned away and stuck her nose in the air. “Why would she want to trick me?”

“Because someone very bad tricked her.” Tiara continued looking away. “Everything is bad for her now. And she wants it to be bad for other ponies, too.”

Tiara looked back down, but did not look at her father. “Screwball isn’t bad. She can do all these amazing things! Like, you didn’t see it, daddy! She had a horn, and she-”

Tiara finally turned back to her father, but the look on his face cut her off. She had seen him tired. She had seen him disappointed. She had even seen him angry, but she had never seen the destroyed look of sorrow that haunted his wood brown muzzle. His eyes were shimmering. Before she could see him cry, he pulled her into a tight embrace.

“What’s wrong, daddy?”

“Please, Tiara. I don’t want to lose you too. I can’t- I couldn’t take it.”

“Well, it’s not like I’m not going anywhere.”

“No, you’re not.” Rich put Tiara down pointedly. His face returned to stoic seriousness and the waterworks were nowhere to be seen. “You’re grounded. I don’t want to see you talking to strangers… or her… without either myself, Mrs. Cheerliee, or one of the Apple adults. Come with me, Tiara.”

“But Daddyyyyy…”

“No buts!” He gave her a light tap to get her moving. “Hurry along now, I’ll buy you something nice when we get home.”