It started as early as their first date. Sky had come downstairs- dressed in a button up shirt and blue tie- all excited for his very first date with White Lightning. Ever since the sleepover, the two had started talking more at school, and then he finally asked her out to a movie and dinner. And I was happy for him. No, really, I was.
I had been rooting for them all along, hadn't I? I knew how he felt and I was happy that he was so happy. So what if it meant a night that we couldn't binge watch some cheesy television while munching on some snacks? We've done that a million times before and surely we would do it a again in the future.
So naturally, I ignored the weird twinge in my gut when he called out that he'd be back later. Surely it was probably nothing. I was just used to hanging with him every night, and this was just something different. It's not like I would never see my best friend again. That is... Until that's kinda almost exactly what happened.
The first date lead to a second date. Which lead to a third. Then a fourth. And then all of sudden, he was seeing White somehow more than he saw me, which was weird considering we lived in the same house. And of course, was initially really happy for him… until I suddenly realized how lonely I was without him.
I tried to distract myself. I would try to hang out with other people, but it just wasn't the same. Not because I didn't have fun with them, but because it just wasn't the same.
And I wasn't even aware of the jealousy at first, not until it started gnawing at my heart. I would see them joking around at lunch or walking to their classes together and at first, I could just tell myself it was because I missed him greatly. But then I started getting irritated with the way he looked at her. Now that part, I didn't understand. Why would that of all things bother me? She was beautiful, and he liked her, of course he'd look at her that way.
But my mind starting supplying little things like he should be looking at you that way. Or what does she have that you don't? Or how could she possibly be better for him than you when no one knows him better than you do. The thoughts were very conflicting to what I thought I felt about him. We were just friends, best friends, so why was I all of a sudden wishing he would turn that adorable smitten gaze on me?
And then I realized how often I had started attributing words like adorable to my best friend. Affectionate terms people generally used when talking about someone they had… a crush on.
No, that couldn't be it. I didn't have a crush on Sky. No, I couldn't possibly. He was my roommate. My best friend in the entire world. My partner in school and life. Just because he was probably the nicest guy I'd ever met, always caring about me, was endearingly confident, and was overall fun to be around… was actually pretty cute, especially with his adorable little smile and his warm blue eyes…. No, no, I could not have a crush. Not on him. I liked someone like Garble.
But did I really? Because when I really thought about it, I wondered what I saw in him besides his bad boy-ness. I had always thought most girls would fall for the bad boy types, and as much as Sky claimed to be a misunderstood bad boy, but he wasn't. Had I just seen Garble and my brain had supplied with with a "Yup, a bad boy, there's your crush."
He didn't really have much substance. Yeah, he was mean and was every girls dream (or so I've been told), and he could play the bully act like it was nothing, but was he really what I wanted? My brain was so jumbled with thoughts, I couldn't think straight anymore. But I knew for one thing- I did not have a crush on my best friend.
Then again, a friend of mine did say I had been lying about who I liked… What if in the end, I really was the one who had been lying? But wouldn't I know for sure? Aren't crushes supposed to be a pretty easy tell? How could I possibly feel something for someone and not even know about it?
No, no. I did not have a crush on him. I couldn't have a crush on him. No matter what I've been told.
It had been a couple months now since that first date. Sky was in great spirits, but I definitely wasn't. Every day, it got harder and harder to watch him go off with White and completely cast me aside. We didn't even have TV nights anymore. Sure, we occasional hang out before class, but lately I've found myself on my own.
And you know it's bad when even the nerds say something about it. It becomes more obvious as time progresses.
But now it was just a routine, being by myself. It was Friday night, and Sky had already left. I had asked numerous other friends if they wanted to do anything, but all of them had plans.
I honestly just felt sad as I flipped through the channels on the TV, nothing catching my interest.
But then the door opened, and I looked up. Sky walked in. He saw me and smiled a little awkwardly. My heart had fluttered at the sight, and I wanted to punch myself in the chest to make it stop. I sat up so I could see him fully.
"You're back already?" I asked.
I didn't want to seem too excited at the prospect. He wasn't supposed to be home for a while, but there he was, standing in the doorway and looking a little bit like deer caught in headlights.
Would I be a bad person if I hoped they broke up? Would that make me a horrible friend? Yes, it absolutely would. But in that moment, did I care all that much? Not really. There was a far too big glimmer of hope for me to really care if it made me a bad friend. He scratched the back of his neck and nodded.
"Yeah, well… I don't know, it seemed kind of off tonight. White wasn't in the best mood. I don't know. Wait, I've said that twice." He paused for a moment and chuckled a little before resuming. "Anyways, I just figured maybe it'd be better to cut our date and come home for the night. Besides, we haven't really hung out in a while. Sorry about that," he responded, his voice sheepish. The butterflies were definitely fluttering. I really missed him so much.
"No, no, it's okay. I mean, I can't blame you. You've wanted to be with her for ages," I said, giving him a small smile. "Plus, I've been pretty bored tonight. Nobody was available anyways so it didn't bother me to much. I wouldn't mind a little binging and some snacks with my best friend," I added.
He smiled, his face lighting up a little. It was probably the most wonderful sight I had seen in a long time.
"Of course. I'll get right on that. Be back in a few minutes! Find us something really cheesy to watch and make fun of."
I barely heard him from how loud the sound of my heartbeat thumping was in my ears, but I nodded regardless, my face lighting up in a similar fashion to his. He kicked off his shoes and walked off towards the kitchen. I watched him go, and once he was out of sight, I let out the longing sigh I'd been holding in. So I was pretty sure he and White hadn't broke up, it'd just been a bad night for them. Then again, I didn't know the full extent of it and for sure what that meant for the future of his relationship with her. Had they often had bad nights? Were things not as wonderful as they seemed? I didn't really know and I wasn't planning on bringing anything like that up.
There was one thing, however, that I now knew for sure. There was no point in denying it any further, no matter how hard I tried. The time spent apart, the unmistakable jealousy. It all only meant one thing. Yup… I most definitely had a crush on my best friend.
Author's Note
Jealousy is a disease, love is a healthy condition. The immature mind often mistakes one for the other, or assumes that the greater the love, the greater the jealousy - in fact, they are almost incompatible; one emotion hardly leaves room for the other. It's not easy to admit to hold your feelings but sometimes, you've just got to let him/her know how you truly feel. Its better to know then to say nothing and wonder.
