Author's Note
(Listened to while writing this)
Moment of Clarity
To the Ones Who Dream
Moment of Clarity
It was strange, witnessing something so powerful, so wondrous, shatter before my eyes. It was like seeing a god or Celestia die; if gods or Celestia could die. Does that even make sense? Does an element of harmony crumbling make sense?
I watched Nightmare Moon grind it under her raven black hoof for what felt like the hundredth time. It probably was; these dreams were merciless. Even when I was aware I was asleep, it played out the same: My element broke into pieces. Nightmare Moon locked eyes with me:
“You’re hopeless.”
I stumbled backward, my hooves to catch nothing but air as I screamed, falling. My eyes slammed shut and I found myself enwrapped in icy cold water. My eyes then shot open. Darkness. I kicked out into the water, gasping for air as I looked for a way out. Nothing. I moved slower. Deafening silence.
Then it would happen. I would hear their voices, swirling around me like they were swimming around in this watery tomb. The other bearers, my supposed friends, would taunt me. Their words and phrasing varied, the general idea the same; I’m nothing without my element or magical skills. I wouldn’t have my friends, my title, my relationships, nothing.
I bit my cheek, drawing blood.
That’s when I’d pass out, only to wake up in a cold sweat as my hooves pulled my blanket. Tears would roll down my cheeks. I darted upwards, looking around my room.
Spike laid snug in his basket. Outside the sun barely began to peak over the horizon, hazy golden streaks making their way into my room. I kneaded my temples with a hoof. Everything would be calm.
Today started no different. Wiping away tears with a sigh, I bounded off my bed, drawing the curtains. I gave a nod to Spike before letting out a yawn. Coffee sounded splendid as a headache ushered its way into my mind.
I trudged down the stairs and into the kitchen, pausing at the cabinets. There were some assorted sweets Pinkie had given me sorted away in them.
I haven’t sent out a friendship report in, well, have I sent one yet?
I touched a hoof to my chin. I guess I needed some time to recover after the whole Nightmare Moon incident. It was only a week ago. Not to mention the extensive work the library had needed- no, still needs.
Pinkie Pie worked at Sugarcube Corner, right? Maybe I could snag a coffee there and get to know her a bit more. That’s what friends do. I think.
I tiptoed my way back upstairs to snag a few bits and leave a note for Spike in case he decided to wake up early. Which was unlikely. He’s probably just as worn out as I am.
We had been working quite a lot, in out defense. From stocking books I had brought from my old observatory to patching up some of the older parts of the tree, we hadn’t had much time to be out and about.
I groaned a bit, pushing my way outside. Hanging out with Pinkie early in the day was surely going to drain me of energy and put me behind on the library's many needs and chores. But I had to write something about friendship sooner or later, right? Besides, Spike hit the nail on the head when he said I needed to work on my socialization skills.
The sun was up a bit higher now, beating down on me as I trotted through the streets of Ponyville. I moaned a bit more. The dirt roads clung to my hooves with each step, ponies waving to me with their overly-sweet smiles. Beads of sweat dripped down my forehead. I forced a grin and waved back. How could they stand to be up so early, and be happy about it too? I pondered turning around before a familiar face slammed its way into me.
I hissed out in pain. Rainbow Dash stumbled her way straight into my face, knocking me over into the ground. She blushed, rubbing the back of her neck and mumbling a half-hearted apology.
“Oh, Twilight-” she yawned - “why're you out so early?”
“Because I wanted to see Pinkie Pie,” I mumbled, brushing the dust off of myself as I stood up. Not even an apology? We’re not in Manehattan. I decided to shrug it off since she was visibly tired. “Why are you up?”
“Weather duties.” She paused. “I think Pinkie’s been out the past week. Wanted to see her family to tell them about how she’s an element now.”
“Oh.” I wanted to smack my hoof into my face. I made the effort to see my new friends only to be tackled, angry, and left with no coffee. “I guess I’ll be heading back-”
“Wait!” I cocked an eyebrow. Rainbow Dash coughed, thinking for a moment .“I-I mean, you did bring up you were sent here to study friendship from Princess Celestia herself and all, right? Since we’re friends and I’m kinda bored, think we could… hang out?”
Something about her demeanor seemed… odd. The Rainbow Dash I had met was rather bold and proud. The Rainbow Dash that helped me to cure Princess Luna was likewise. Now? She seemed… timid. Part of me begged for coffee and reorganization of the library, but another part of me seemed to like the idea of being with someone. I could quite literally say it's been years since I’ve truly dedicated a day to hanging out with someone.
“Uh, sure. That sounds nice.” I smiled. A bit of me had changed ever since leaving Canterlot.
Maybe it was the fact leaving my house didn’t mean bombardment by nosy ponies who wanted to invade both me and Celestia’s personal lives. It didn’t help I have an association with Princess Cadence and my brother is a commander in the royal guard. Or that I was well known myself as being a powerful magician.
Ponyville was different. I could make a new identity for myself. Even with the slapped on title as an element bearer, ponies treated me the same. Like I belonged and wasn’t just an accessory of the princess.
We both stood there for a moment. I cleared my throat. “Ahem, I need to be back at the library early, though. A lot still needs to be cleaned and they're books to be sorted for public use, and-”
I watched her deadpan and felt my cheeks grow hot. “I-I mean, let’s just… hang… out?” I smiled sheepishly. This was out of my comfort zone, and I probably should’ve declined. I’m too much of a shut-in to start making friends now, of all times. Besides, I also had to plan out a schedule for the rest of the week as I hadn’t done that and there was still so-
Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes, the corners of her lips rising. I was brought back to reality, blushing. “When I was told you were a nerd, I didn’t expect it to be this bad.”
“Who told you that-” She suddenly got in my face. Close. Too close. “Um, Rainbow Dash?”
“Do you know the Wonderbolts?”
I felt my muscles tense up. “Excuse me?”
“You’re Celestia’s student, surely you’ve met the Wonderbolts, huh?” Her grin spread. “Because I totally need you to put in good word for me.”
Of course. She didn’t want to be with me. She wanted to be with Princess Celestia’s student. She wanted to use my connections like every other gods-forsaken pony anywhere. What made me think Ponyville would be different? I scrunched my muzzle and shoved her aside.
“On second thought, it seems like I have some work to do now.” I began to walk away. Why did it hurt when she tried to use me? We had only met a few times. I closed my eyes when I felt her hoof touch my shoulder.
“What, did I say something wrong?”
I pushed forward. “Leave me be.”
“Geez, I just wanted to join the Wonderbolts, what's wrong with that? It's, like, every pegasus' dream-”
I turned around to her. “You expect me to smooth talk a lazy mare with no ambition such as yourself and get you into the most prestigious flying team of Equestria!?” the words left my lips before I could stop them. I watched her coutenance fall flat, biting my bottom lip as if to shut out the things I'd already said. “I-I’m sorry-”
“No, you're right,” she growled, turning away. “I’m too lazy. Why would the Wonderbolts need some slacking mare like me, huh?” She spread her wings.
“I didn’t mean to-” she took off. I raised a hoof and tried to call out but nothing happened. I watched her fade into a blue dot, kicking at the ground. Dust blew up into my nose.“Great, Twilight, blowing off your new friends is so sure to impress Princess Celestia.” I froze up at my own words, though. Did even I see myself as nothing but her student?
I looked at myself before looking around. Ponies chatting away with one another, smiling and laughing and being all social and giddy. How did they pull it off so effortlessly? Did they have something I lack? My mind was racing. I was really was a shut in.
A yellow pony grazed past me. I opened my mouth to yell before her image popped in my head; Fluttershy. The element of Kindness. My friend.
She continued walking by.
“H-Hey-”
She turned to me, and I noticed the very visible bags under her eyes. She regarded me with a half-lidded stare, mumbling some incoherent string of words before she cleared her throat. “What is it?” Her voice was barely above a whisper. That was normal for her, though. Right?
She’s shy. I think.
“Are you okay?” I blurted out, before stuffing a hoof in my mouth. Did I have no tact? Red spread across her muzzle as she brushed her mane in front of her muzzle.
“Oh, it's, uh, nothing. I was just up all night helping a, um, animal.” She turned to walk away, letting out a yawn.
“Are you sure? I-I mean, you look awfully tired, and as your friend, I could help you-”
She stumbled into me. I felt my cheeks grow hot, her head snuggled into my shoulder. “So warm… Angel… carrots…” This mare clearly did not cope well with sleep deprivation, that much could be seen. With a spell I levitated her forward, watching as she yawned in my aura. Yes, I would buy her carrots and take her home. Like a good friend. Like Celestia- I cut off the thought, shaking my head.
A smirk came across my muzzle despite that. I was going to be a good friend, neigh, an excellent friend for the sake of being an excellent pony. Not an excellent student like everyone including myself expects.
Maybe I could even get some information out of her on how to apologize to Rainbow Dash.
My magic suddenly decided to fizz out in a spectacle of white sparks, causing me to rush forward just in time to catch the mare. She slouched over, mumbling as I propped her up. Huh, that was odd. I closed my eyes and tried to levitate her. Nothing.
“What?” I mumbled, tilting my head downwards. Not even a spark.
A mare walked up towards me. “Uh, just what are you doing with Fluttershy?”
I locked eyes with her. Green eyes met me.
“Applejack!” I remarked with a smile. The Element of Honesty, and therefore one of my… friends. I stuttered a bit. “Well, uh, she passed out after saying something about carrots. Said she stayed up all night helping an animal.”
Applejack’s apprehensive look switched into one of annoyance as she sighed, touching a hoof to her forehead. “That mare is too kind to those little buggers sometimes. I know that cursed rabbit is smarter than it looks...” her voice faded into mumbling before she rolled her eyes and chuckled. “Need some help taking her home?”
“Yes!” The word came out a bit too fast. My cheeks grew red. “I mean, sure. I’m a bit tired myself and my magic isn’t working very well.”
She nodded. “No problem, sugar cube.”
Within a few seconds, I found the both of us alone, walking down the dirt path to Fluttershy’s cottage. Said mare was sleeping rather soundly on Applejack’s back.
Despite our supposed friendship and link as elements, I could very honestly say I knew nothing about this mare. Sure, we defeated Nightmare Moon together and spent a day celebrating afterward, but other than that we had little to no interaction. In fact, that went for almost all of my new friends.
I really did need to get out more.
I took a look around. There was a pleasant breeze weaving its way through Ponyville, cooling off my body and scattering my mane around my neck. The sun was climbing higher in the sky, illuminating all the random objects on the side of the road with a golden glow. The smell of flowers blooming as summer rolled in tickled my nose a bit.
Applejack cleared her throat. “Say, what brings you out so early in the mornin’?”
I paused, drawn out of my thoughts. Other than my nightmares, coffee, and Pinkie Pie, I didn’t have a solid reason. More like jumbled thoughts. And this mare was one to see through lies, if I remembered correctly.
“Well, I wanted to get to know some of my friends better. I was going to see Pinkie, but she wasn’t there, and I ended up…” I trailed off. Did I want to bring up the Rainbow Dash incident?
“Ended up what?” Was she genuinely interested or just trying to continue some sort of conversation with me? I hoped for the latter to be false.
“I had a bit of a run in with Rainbow Dash. She, uh, asked me to talk her up to the Wonderbolts.”
Applejack snorted as we crossed over a bridge. “Yeah, she can be a bit pushy with that.”
“Well, I kind of snapped at her. I feel pretty bad now.”
“Can’t say I haven’t snapped at Dash myself.”
“Yes, but I called her a mare with no ambition and said the Wonderbolts wouldn’t want her.”
Applejack raised an eyebrow and snorted. “What’s got you annoyed to say that?”
I froze up. Should I really open up to this mare I met a few days ago? But wasn’t that how friendship became deeper, by opening up? I looked to the side as the cottage came into view.
“It’s just… Ponies in Canterlot would like to try to use me because I had connections with Princess Celestia. I was happy to be here and start fresh in a sense, and when she said that it just made me a bit… angry.”
“Ah. I think I understand, though being a farmer I can’t say snotty ponies have tried to use me.” She snorted again. “Ya should just apologize and say that.”
“I’ll try. I’m not very good at this whole friendship thing.”
“Well, you’re recognizing your mistake and trying to apologize, and helping a friend in need.” She gestured to the pony on her back. “You also mentioned trying to get to know us better, and have been kind to us so far. That’s not a bad start.”
I swallowed. “I guess so.”
Even with her kind words, I felt uneasy. Doubtful. Was I really a kind pony? Was that… a trait of mine?
We reached the cottage. It was small and had a rather cozy vibe coming from it. A pungent smell of… animals did emanate throughout the property, though. Unavoidable with her job, and I would have to bear with it. Applejack pushed open the door. I scrunched my muzzle.
“Are you sure we should go in?” I said.
“I’m sure she won’t mind.” We walked inside, and the first thing I couldn’t help but notice were animals. A rabbit glowering at us. Birds in little houses. A squirrel. A skunk. Lizards, unusual amounts of lizards scurrying across the floor. I didn't know Ponyville had lizards.
“Is this… sanitary?” I muttered. Applejack led me to the couch, gently putting Fluttershy down. She laughed a bit.
“Don’t always have to talk so fancy.” I blushed. “Fluttershy’s always had a knack for cleaning. Shucks, I’ve had her come over to help with the barn sometimes. If she wasn’t so darn good with animals her cutie mark would probably be in cleaning.”
“I'll take that as a yes.”
I went to levitate a blanket folded at the side of the couch, only to find my magic faltering. A few sparks flew from my horn and nothing happened. Luckily enough, Applejack didn’t notice, grabbing the blanket herself.
“So, I guess I should, uh go…” I mumbled. The green blanket spread over Fluttershy. Applejack turned to me.
“Yeah, I guess we both shouldn’t overstay our welcome.”
I turned to leave before something popped in my mind.
“Oh, I think she was out to get carrots! Maybe I should pick some up? She seems like she’s going to be asleep for a while…” I watched her rest peacefully on the couch, lockets of her pink mane splayed across her face. Applejack sat at her side.
“Yeah, and I guess I should watch over her in case she’s sick.” She pressed a hoof to her forehead, nodding slightly. “Maybe pick up some medicine in case? Oh, and try ‘in tell Big Mac I’ll be back later. Thanks.” She turned to me. “After all, isn’t this a good way for us to get to know each other? We can talk a bit when you get back.”
“Yeah.” Maybe some fresh air could help me control my magic better too. I smiled, genuinely. “I’ll be back.”
Outside, I saw the sun was much higher and brighter as the morning continued. I squinted while I made my way from the cottage down the dirt trail. How much time had already passed?
I felt an uneasy feeling crawl up my spine, as if eyes were shooting daggers into the back of my neck. I halted mid-step, my muscles growing tense. I’d only ever had this feeling when Nightmare Moon’s magic permeated the air.
“There’s no one…” I turned my head over my shoulder slowly, charging what little magic I could feel into my horn. My eyes met with a rather large, rather green and transparent wolf-like creature snarling behind me. White foam dripped from its maw, red eyes flashing out against the translucent green. My muscles tensed. Living by the Everfree was a stupid idea; surely this beast had wandered out from there, hungry from smelling ponies close by.
I braced myself; Everfree creatures are tough from what I’ve read. And not to mention my magic…
I felt my chest tighten. The beast bowed down, readying to pounce. My magic wasn’t working. How in Equestria did I plan to defeat a beast? With my bare hooves!? Beads of sweat collected on my temple as I turned to face it. It was at least six feet over me and massive growls thundering from its massive jaws. I backed up, my legs shaking.
“Appleja-” I didn’t get to finish my scream for help as it pounced forward, letting out a tremendous roar.
Princess Luna
I had been sensing it for a while now, despite Celestia’s dismissal as it being ‘my body cleansing out the last remnants of nightmare magic’. Paranormal magic, something only alicorns and the few espers of the world possessed. Little was know about it due to its rareness in the world, but what we did know about it was vital to the workings of Equestria as a whole.
So naturally, when I sensed a sudden explosion of the paranormal magic surge through my veins, I knew my speculations were not false; rather, a powerful esper had arrived in Ponyville. But who it is I have yet to discover. I had a feeling who.
I ran to my chamber door, thrusting it open. Two guards scrambled in front of me, my assistant running forward. She cleared her throat.
“Princess-”
“Raven, clear my schedule and arrange for a chariot to lead me into Ponyville. I have very important business to attend to.”
Twilight Sparkle
I guess I can’t explain what exactly happened. All I know is that one minute I was bracing for death by the vicious attack of a green wolf, and then… Well, I’m covered in green goo, my hooves on fire. Not literally. I winced in pain, trying to push myself off the ground.
It’s like my magic surged through my hooves instead of my horn, because, well, there’s a purple aura around them. And the wolf goo is on me despite no attacks coming from my horn. I felt oddly shaky, from both the fear of death and sudden weakness spreading throughout my body.
The door to Fluttershy’s cottage burst open, a panting Applejack running towards me. A rather frazzled Fluttershy followed, or rather, stumbled after her.
“Twilight! What in tarnation was that noise?” she shouted, running straight through goo and towards me. She put a hoof on me. “Twilight? You don’t look so well.” She turned to Fluttershy.
The rest of her words fell on literal deaf ears, the world spinning into blackness.
When I woke up, the terrible aching in my forehooves and hushed voices greeted me. My memories were vague, jumbled together. Panic set in. Letting out a groan, I sat up, opening my eyes.
A hiss escaped my lips as I slammed them shut. Bright, bright lights were overhead. A voice spoke up.
“Nurse, please lower the brightness.” The voice was smooth, authoritative. Brightness was an odd word choice, though. A mumbled ‘yes’ and the click of hooves assured me it was safe to look around. I opened my eyes.
I nearly choked on my own words.
“P-Princess Luna!” I gasped. Applejack and Fluttershy stood alongside her, wearing worried looks. I fidgeted in my bed. Luna gave me a small smile.
“Please, just call us Luna. We can’t have the pony who saved us to address us so formally.” Her look was oddly sympathetic. I nodded slowly, looking around. I saw a blue figure hiding behind the taller one of Luna. I swallowed. I knew who that was.
“Rainbow?” I called out softly. She came out with a flustered look.
“A-AJ told me why you… freaked out,” she murmured, looking away. She dug her hoof in the floor. “Don’t scare us by passing out!”
I blinked slowly. “Huh?”
Applejack came forward. “Ya passed out all the sudden, after that loud bang, and Fluttershy ‘n I had no idea what to do. Dash happened to be passin’ over and helped us bring ya here. Then Prin- Luna arrived…”
“Yes.” Luna stepped forward. “We know why... everything happened.” She gave a look to those in the room. “But we would like to discuss it with Twilight alone. We know you are worried, but we assure you everything will be fine. She is fine.”
The girls whispered to each other, ushered out of the room by the nurse, leaving me alone with the princess. I scratched the back of my neck. “So, um, what exactly happened?”
Luna’s gentle demeanor seemed to vanish as her face deadpanned, her brows furrowing.
“Did you witness a creature when the incident happened? Did you feel a magic outburst?” she inquired.
I swallowed. “Yes and yes. It was a green wolf. How did you kno-”
I yelped as her magic washed over me, pulling me out of the comfortable blankets. I felt a strange tingling sensation crawl up my hooves and spread up my legs.
“Yes, the presence is very strong… I didn’t sense it before… Celestia…” her voice trailed off. She lowered me back down, touching a hoof to her chin. Silence passed.
She then locked eyes with me. I couldn’t help but squirm as I was reminded of the Nightmare. “It’s confirmed; you’re an esper.”
“What?”
“We’ll have to take you to Canterlot immediately to evaluate your powers and get them under control.”
“W-What?”
“Yes, it appears to be growing, too.”
I felt my legs grow weak. “What!?”
Luna regarded me with soft green eyes. Nothing like Nightmare Moon, and I cursed myself for the thought. “We’re sorry; this must be a bit much.” I could’ve sworn I saw her blush a little. “You’re magic; it has developed into that of an Esper, most likely activated by use of the elements after…” she trailed off.
“Ahem. We’ve been researching the presence of Espers ever since our return due to the feeling of their magic around these areas.” She pulled out a scroll, unraveling it with her magic to reveal a map of Equestria, certain areas highlighted. “Ponyville, or more specifically the parts where it and the Everfree meet, is teeming with ghosts and ghouls the Elements should’ve eradicated.”
“I’m terribly confused, Princess,” I sputtered out, leaning back into the pillows. My eyes were growing heavy. “Can I sleep on this before you explain more?”
“But of course,” she stated, this time visibly blushing. “ I’m-We’re sorry. We didn’t consider how exhausted you might be. The doctors still have to check you before you can be released. We’ll leave you for now, and come back to discuss more tomorrow. Please spend this time to rest and explain to your friends what will be happening.”
Then she did exactly what she said; left. And I was in complete, utter, confusing shock. I pulled my blanket over my head and shoved my face into the pillow. My breathing grew fast, my heart leaped into my throat.
Espers? Ghosts? Powers? I bit my bottom lip. This was a prank. Yes, a prank. A very confusing and…
My magic.
I burst from under the sheets and looked around the room. A vase on the windowsill with a rose. Closing my eyes, I calmed my breathing and searched for a magical spark in my horn. Nothing. I pressed further, furrowing my brows. Nothing at all. I went to search for the vase with my magic, only for faint sparks to fall from my horn as I opened my eyes. It was like my horn was severed from the magic within me.
The smell of the hospital was overwhelming as I breathed in heavily.
The magic that had built me was gone. The magic that I had used to play with my brother, gone. The magic that had granted me and Princess Celestia to meet and become close, gone. The magic that brought me to Ponyville and to my friends was completely and utterly gone.
No. I’m still me! I’m Princess Celestia’s student, I’m...
I felt tears well up. Why? Why was I upset, it was something as trivial as magic. Others didn’t have magic and lived happily. I was selfish, yes. Selfish to not lend my help to Rainbow Dash and to mourn the loss of a mere privilege. An accessory to my lavish life. An accessory to the accessory of the Princess.
I wiped tears away only for more to form. Empty was the only word I could use to describe this kind of sadness. Like I was missing part of who I was, who I am. But magic’s is not all who I am, right? Surely…
I almost forgot my sleepiness in the crisis I was experiencing, but it made sure to not be lost as aches sprung in my hooves. I leaned back into the pillows. A nurse would surely be in soon. Perhaps they would find what was blocking my magic. Yes, it was just a blockage that could be fixed. I would be back to myself again.
My muzzle scrunched up at the thought. Who I was. My mind was racing for someone so awfully tired, yet as I shut my eyes and tried to clear my mind, thoughts only managed to butt in more and more. I sighed. Who I was, who I was.
I’m a friend to Applejack, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, and Pinkie Pie. I’m the student of Princess Celestia. I’m the daughter of Twilight Velvet and Nightlight, sister to Shining Armor. How did losing my magic change any of this? I still had my identity, even if a little bit is gone.
Yet for the longest time, ponies have only seen my worth through all the connections made with my magic. For my relations with others. Not for who I was, emotionally and mentally.
The door creaked open. “Miss Sparkle, are you up?” The voice was gentle, kind, soothing.
More importantly, distracting.
“Yes,” I said smoothly.
After a quick physical and a confirmation that my only real health issue was the loss of magic, the nurse left, readying a spell to scan my horn for any issues. I was prepared to sleep until Applejack and Rainbow Dash busted back in. I forced a smile.
“Girls, I’m fine. Just a quick horn scan and I’m good to go.” I gazed past them. “Where’s Fluttershy?”
“She wasn’t feeling good and went home. Rarity was gonna come but she decided to check up on her…” Rainbow Dash murmured. She avoided my eyes. I swallowed.
“Rainbow,” I said softly. She glanced up. “I’m… sorry.” My eyes averted hers. I was really bad at this whole friendship thing, wasn’t I? I don’t even know how to act around people. “I guess I’m a little jumpy lately. I… well, I have a lot to learn about interacting with ponies.” My cheeks grew hot. “So, sorry.”
She rubbed the back of her neck with a hoof and chuckled, a bit forced. “Well, I guess I shouldn’t have come at you with the question when we’ve only known each other for a week or two.” Applejack jabbed her side. “A-and sorry too.”
I felt oddly sad again, watching as Rainbow and Applejack started to share a hushed conversation. I relaxed a bit. They were just so… solid in who they were. As they invited me into their idle chat, talking about their daily routines and lives, I felt as if I wasn’t there.
Applejack talked about her sister with a smile, growled when Dash brought up how comfortable her trees were, blushed when Dash teased her about some embarrassing moment about her past. Rainbow would grin at a past prank or sigh at her previous failures. Rainbow has her dream of being a Wonderbolt.
They know who they are, with or without a few things. Me? Lost without magic.
The nurse came in and they bid their farewells. We promised to meet up sometime in the following week with the rest of the girls to... bond, I guess. A quick spell by the nurse and I was ready to head home, leaving with the words,“It was most likely a magic overload, take a few days to rest.”
Simple. And I felt nothing. Why?
I cursed myself when I remembered Luna was taking me to Canterlot. I hadn’t said a word to the girls. Could forgetful be a trait? I usually didn’t forget things. And did I want to go back to Canterlot? Face the place that had left me in this confused state?
It was late evening, the moon peeking over the horizon, the stars just starting to glitter away against a black backdrop. Ponies were heading inside, the few who planned to stay out late quiet and reserved. I was relatively alone as I trotted towards the oak tree, and I was normally fine with this. But tonight was different, so I blamed it on the hospital fiasco despite the lurking feeling of there being more to it.
I pushed open the door to the library, tumbling back outside as a flurry of green and purple attacked me.
“Twilight!” Spike yelled, snuggling into my chest. “Where were you? The note said you’d only be out for an hour! I checked the schedule and there wasn’t anything else so I got worried and started cleaning but then it got later I wanted to go out but you told me to stay here and-”
I pushed a hoof into his mouth. “Spike, it's fine. I just got caught up, uh, helping the girls with some chores.”
They must’ve forgotten about Spike. Could I blame them? We’d only been here for a short while and had been keeping to ourselves. I forced a comforting smile. Thankfully, he bought into it, sighing as he scrambled off of me. I climbed back up, heading inside.
“You’ve gotta tell me when you head out late. I-I get worried.” His blush was always adorable. Giggling, I pulled him into a hug.
“Okay.”
I paused. A question came into my mind. I didn’t feel my hooves wrap around him tighter as I struggled for words.
“Spike… am I a good pony?”
Spike laughed instantly like I had told a silly joke. “Of course Twilight! What makes you think that?”
A lot of things, like making you worry and treating Rainbow Dash so poorly. I shook my head.
“Would I still be a good pony without my magic?”
This time his answer wasn’t automatic, and my grip got tighter.
“Spike, I…” my voice trailed off. Why was it so hard to speak now? “I want to know what you think of me.”
I felt him suddenly push away only to look in my eyes. “What do you mean?”
“I want to know who you think I am. The kind of pony I am.”
Spike chuckled. “Well, that’s easy! You’re Twilight; kind, overbearing, an over thinker, egghead-”
“Hey!”
“-and more importantly, the one who’s been with me ever since I’ve been hatched.”
I felt unsatisfied, but I couldn’t say that when such sweet, genuine words were coming from him. I smiled through my pain.
“Thanks. How about some of the gems I’ve been saving up for dinner tonight?”
His eyes lit up. “Really!?”
“Yeah.” Any questions he would’ve asked about my odd demeanor faded as I led him into the kitchen. I watched him with a half-lidded stare. Were there things he didn’t say to me? Judgments he and other ponies had of me? I hid my face as I opened the cabinet with my hooves.
When I fell asleep, the same thing as every night in the past week had happened; a nightmare with Nightmare Moon. How funny. I woke up in a cold sweat as per usual feeling my body tremble, remembering the awful mare’s disgusting fanged smile.
I closed my eyes and monitored my breathing. I wiped away tears. Today was important, Princess Luna could be here any moment. Memories of yesterday came as an onslaught to my mind, pounding in my head. If only forgetting was as easy as remembering. I growled. Today was spelling to be a disaster with each waking moment.
Spike was up unusually early as he greeted me with a yawn.
“Ugh, Twilight, I think you were talking in your sleep. I kept hearing weird noises last night,” he groaned.
“Really?” I felt my chest tighten. I didn’t want him to worry, I didn’t want to hurt him of all- I closed my eyes. What was happening to me?
“Yeah, I dunno, though. I was too tired to make anything out.”
I let go of a breath I didn’t even know I was holding, letting my head roll back. Was worrying one of my traits? I eyed the ceiling. There was a bug crawling across. Gross.
Without thinking I stretched out a hoof, an odd purple-green aura glowing around it. It was then I found the bug levitating inches away from me. I let out an ear-piercing scream and bolted off my bed and straight down stairs, a rather frazzled drake in my hoof steps.
Of course, in a most inconvenient timing, the door to the library burst open, and I collided head first with the Princess of the Moon. We hurled forward into the ground, a scared yelp escaping my lips as I thudded on top of her.
Spike ran out from behind me.
“Geez Twilight, what happ- P-Princess Luna!” He instantly bowed forward. “I-Its, uh, an honor to meet… you…”
It was in that moment I realized I was lying atop of the princess, my muzzle pushed into hers and the guards watching us with rather hilariously shocked looks. But more importantly, in a rather cliche manner, I was laying on top of princess Luna. The blood drained from my face, my head went blank.
What I expected was a blast of magic to the face, but instead, I watched her rather pretty blue fur heat up to a red as she blushed. I blushed too. The two of us blushed, too embarrassed to speak up, a few rather tense seconds passing. It was then my mind screamed at me to move, and I flung off Luna, sputtering out random sounds that vaguely mirrored words.
“P-Princess!” I squeaked. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t know, I deeply apologize, let me help you up-” I stretched out a hoof, only to find that same aura from before hovering around it. Luna’s own hoof suddenly became caught up in it, pulling forward. She gasped, pulled into a stand before the magic faded as quickly as it appeared. I was dumbstruck, frozen in place.
Despite her flustered appearance, she raised a dainty hoof to her mouth and coughed, light blue strands of hair scattered across her face. She pushed them away.
“Miss Sparkle,” she said barely above a whisper, “I-We would like to continue this conversation inside. G-guards, stand… guard.”
The guards, standing aside a rather fancy chariot, saluted instantly and scrambled their way to each side of the library door. I wordlessly followed the princess inside, Spike tailing us. With a swift click of the door, we were alone. Well, aside from Spike, as he nervously twitched his way into the kitchen, mumbling about tea or something of the like. Now we were alone.
“Twilight, we- no, I apologize for yesterday.” I felt chills crawl down my spine as she said my name. She clearly saw my perplexed look as I furrowed my brows, closing her eyes and sighing. “Allow me to explain; I dropped a rather heavy load on you without proper evaluation on what it meant and just left. I thought today we could just talk as equals and allow me to talk about this… situation more properly.”
“Oh,” I breathed out, feeling my legs grow unbalanced. “S-Sorry for tumbling into you too, Princess.” I was used to Princess Celestia, and Princess Cadence was my babysitter. Yet for some reason having royalty I wasn’t close to standing before me made me… uncomfortable. Now I knew how my classmates must’ve felt when I would suddenly drag the Princess into class and act like it was nothing. Luna grounded me in reality a little.
Was that part of who I was?
Spike hustled in, balancing a tray with teacups. Silently he extended it out, offering the cups. Like a butler. I almost went to use my magic before silently cursing myself, instead extending a hoof as Luna’s green spell wrapped its way around the cup. We both murmured our thanks to the dragon and he merely nodded, scrambling upstairs. Alone again. I swallowed.
“What was that wolf?” I blurted out before I could stop myself.
“A ghost.”
“Why was there an explosion?”
“Most likely the paranormal magic reacting to your fear and expelling the ghost. Like how foals can trigger their magic with strong emotions since they can't control it.”
I bit the inside of my cheek.
“So, about this whole ‘esper’ thing, what... do the elements have to do with it?” It was a genuine question; just not the biggest one on my mind. I still had no idea what she meant by a ghost.
Luna nodded slowly, sipping tea before answering, “Even when not in use by me or my sister, their magic was still active. It would absorb the leftover magic of dead ponies or other creatures; ghosts, as I call them, before they could cause any harm. In a sense, actually, the ghouls and ghosts help to recharge the elements.”
I nodded. “Alright, so what exactly are these ‘ghosts’?”
Luna sighed. “That question is still partially unanswered, but we have a basic idea.” Luna took a sip. “Every living being in Equestria is exposed to the constant flow of magic through the world. And they absorb it into themselves through their lifetimes, creatures like ponies learning to channel it through their bodies and use for flying, spells, and more.
“Upon death, they leave all of this magic behind. While most of the time it will simply disperse throughout the world and be reabsorbed into another being, there are cases where it will reform into the being it was inhabiting. That is a ghost or ghoul, though the magic is now changed into that only Espers can sense; beings who possess some of this ‘paranormal’ magic, as my sister and I call it.”
“Fascinating,” was all I could come up with. It was, really. “Are these ghouls, o-or ghosts, actually… sapient? Do they possess the minds of the being they were originally?” I didn’t have much personality, to begin with, so what about a ghost version of myself? That was what I wanted to truly ask.
“That we don’t know,” Luna said, her lips twisting into a frown. “What we do know is that these beings are harmful; it ranges from each ghost and ghoul, yet in general they have very damaging effects on the living.”
“What kinds?”
“Mental trauma, physical harm, simply killing ponies with contact- the list is very long and gruesome at some parts.”
“So what you're saying is-”
“-we have to exorcise them before we have the chance to truly discover if their sapient or not.”
I felt my muscles grown tense. Luna’s own frown twisted into a scowl while she grit her teeth, the cup shaking in her magic.
“I could be the murder of pony’s souls for all I know,” she whispered, closing her eyes. “I will never, ever know.”
My mouth was unusually dry. No words formed or came out, and I was dumbfounded as to what to say. Luckily, or perhaps unluckily, the princess’s cheeks grew red again, and she set the tea down on the floor.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to drop such a heavy topic onto you.”
“It’s… fine.” Was it really fine? Now that I knew the terrifying fact I could die and come back as a spirit, only to die again? Was it fine to know that ponies who die could go through the horrifying experience of a second death? I shook my head.
“What does any of this have to do with me?” I growled. It was not anger directed at Luna; I was just angry in general, I guess. I thought for a moment; did I murder that wolf at Fluttershy’s? Was I a murder too, something to add to the negatives about me?
Luna didn’t seem to notice. “You’re an esper, Twilight. And therefore, your magic is completely different. Instead of the usual harmony magic you use, you are now channeling the ‘paranormal’ magic through your body, and unicorn horns cannot handle such magic. It goes through your hooves, or a few other parts of your body if you direct there. But your horn cannot handle it.
“It cannot cast spells like harmony magic can, either. It has a lot of similarities to chaos magic in a sense-”
Luna froze for some reason, her emerald eyes locked with mine. I raised my eyebrows at her. Why was she looking so worried all of the sudden? Did I just make ponies worried like the terrible, terrible thing I am?
“Twilight, I-I, I’m sorry…” She whispered. I opened my mouth to say something, only for a strained croak to come out. I felt cold. My hoof touched my cheek, and I felt something wet. Oh. I was crying.
Her body was warm. It wrapped around my body, squeezing me tightly as I buried my head into her shoulder. I was crying, and I was scared, and I felt warm in Luna’s embrace.
When I opened my eyes, I found it rather odd to be greeted with the towering bookshelves of the bottom floor of the library. It was also pretty odd to feel another warm body pressed against me. It was especially odd that I saw a note sitting in front of me, rolled up in a scroll with the royal seal on it.
I had fuzzy memories of what happened last night. Or last afternoon? My sense of time was completely out of whack. I rubbed my temple, examining the body next to me. Blue. Lots of blue and pointy objects pressed against me. I felt one hoof on my back, and I ever so gently craned my head to see it.
Ah. There’s Luna’s shoe jabbing in my back.
Luna’s shoe.
Princess Luna’s shoe.
I did my best to suppress a squeak. I realized just who I was spooning with in the middle of the library floor. And another squeak tried to shove its way out of my mouth as I remembered she had guards stationed outside and Spike must’ve seen us.
This is bad. Very bad. Yet so warm. And Princess Luna is so adorable when she sleeps.
I felt my cheeks heat up. Could I think about the Princess like that?
In my defense, she spooned me first.
But then a realization came to my mind; no nightmares tonight. Or morning. In my recent period of sleep.
Which was strange, seeing as it had not failed to show up during my sleep for the past few days in a row. My eyes trailed Luna’s sleek figure. Could it possibly be…?
I had a vague memory of reading something about Luna’s connections with pony’s; it was something called a ‘dreamscape’, but that was about it. There’s no possible way she could’ve cleared my nightmare for me.
There was one last thought rampaging my mind, though, as I stiffened in Luna’s grasp; how would I move? There’s no possible way I could just wake her up, especially when she slept so cut-peacefully. I closed my eyes and groaned softly. This was a rather awkward position to be caught in.
As if on cue, the princess murmured in her sleep, rolling over to her other side. She released her deadly grasp on me, snuggling her head in between her forehooves. I silently pumped a hoof into the air; victory was indeed sweet. Ever so stealthily, I tiptoed towards the scroll on the floor, fumbling with it in my hooves as I attempted to unravel it quietly as possible.
I read it;
Dear Twilight Sparkle,
It appears you and my sister have grown very… close in this meeting, for Spike has reported having found you two sleeping together in the middle of the library floor. Of course, this is fine, and even goes to show that you’ve made progress in your friendship lessons! Do not fret about anything, as I’ve had the guards and all else taken care of. Just return my sister to me before the hour of seven, or there will be consequences.
That was a joke! Please don’t fret Twilight. It is perfectly acceptable for her to return at a later hour. She is a grown mare, yes. Alright? I just worry…
I would like the story on how you two became close. Perhaps you should come to Canterlot some time where we can catch up over tea?
Your mentor,
Princess Celestia
I let out a sight, sitting quietly on the floor. So Spike had seen but had been smart enough to send a letter to Celestia. Or just had been so confused he went to the sister of the pony I was cuddling in the middle of the floor. How awkward it would be to explain to him. I turned to said slumbering princess. I could not leave her on the floor with a clean conscious.
My eyes trailed down to my hooves. My magic was like that of newborn foals, unsteady and shaky. Yet as I glanced between them and Luna, I felt conflicted; I can’t leave her on the floor, but I can’t wake her up. There was indeed only one option.
I stretched out a hoof and sent my silent prayer to Celestia. Closing my eyes, instead of focusing magic into my horn, I thought about my hoof being the conductor and reached out to Luna. Silence. Glowing.
I looked at Luna, hovering in my aura rather awkwardly. I suppressed a chuckle. I just had to imagine my hooves as one; as a horn. Quietly, I walked up the stairs, relieved to see the moon up and Spike curled up in his basket. Gently setting the princess down on my bed, I felt my hoof tingle strangely as I pulled the covers over her, a smile coming across my face. Despite the new conductor of magic, I still knew how to use magic. This strange and foreign magic.
My smile faded. She was another pony I had yet to know. Sitting down next to the bed, I sighed. My magic was still present, just in a new form. And not the same. And entirely not me.
Who am I as a pony, though? I barely know how I am as a friend. I bit my lower lip, resting my head on the corner of the bed, watching Luna’s chest rise and fall. Was I someone different because of this new power? Am I not who I am? But who was I before this? Celestia’s student has been my one quality for terribly long now.
I pondered Rainbow Dash. I was scared to be used, and I hurt Rainbow because of it. I was scared of being used and acted hurtfully. But I tried to help Fluttershy, walked with Applejack, and tried to see Pinkie Pie. Were those traits that helped to build a good friend? Do good friends; neigh, good ponies come from making mistakes and doing good things? Is that what friendship is?
Is it losing yourself along the way too? My eyes cast down to my hooves. Would this whole friendship experience lead to me finding myself again through the support and help of other ponies?
I suppressed a yawn. All questions for an earlier hour. My head rested against the corner of the bed, I felt my eyes flutter closed…
I wasn’t awake; this much was obvious. The world around me was oddly void of… anything. In fact, I’m pretty sure it was just a black void. For some reason, as I extended one hoof in front of the other, I felt something underneath me, and I could see myself despite the lack of light. Which was strange indeed, and I was either having some terrible hallucinations or was dreaming. The latter seemed more pleasant.
So I continued walking. The nightmare would most likely come, and then the bitter real world would come to welcome me in the morning. That much was simple to piece together. Yet while I continued my lonely travel in the raven nothingness, I found nothing, saw nothing, heard nothing; I just kept walking.
I cleared my throat. “Hello?” My voice sounded strange, almost warbled.
A pony appeared in front of me. Blue. She was very blue, even in dreams. Her eyes were closed.
“Luna?” I whispered. There she was. I smacked my hoof into my face when I garnered no response. “What did I expect from the character of a dream?”
Something seemed comforting about this stoic, motionless image of Luna, though. I sat down slowly, next to her. I could vent in dreams, right? My mouth opened, and I nearly screamed when Luna flinched beside me.
“Sorry, it took me a moment to sort all of the Nightmare influence from this dream… Twilight,” she mumbled rubbing her temple. “You have some demons, don’t you?”
I was confused, to say the least. She must’ve picked up on it. “Oh! Let me explain; You’re dreaming right now, and I purged the nightmare to come. I’ll explain the concept on the dreamscape in the waking world.”
Luna is terrible at explaining things, I decided.
“But a nightmare cannot be removed permanently unless the pony comes to terms with what is causing the nightmare.”
It seemed legitimate. Then again it was a dream, and every word she’s saying could be a figment of my imagination. I twiddled my hooves. Is there any harm in complaining to a figment, then?
I breathed out heavily. “Looks like I can’t avoid this anymore, huh?”
“I’m afraid not unless you want your dreams to continue to be plagued with these nightmares.”
I swallowed. “So, how do I start this ‘cleansing’?”
“However you wish. It's not normal for me to contact the dreamer directly, though. You're a special case.”
Special, huh?
“Well, let’s see…” Despite my knowledge of this whole world being a dream, I still felt the lingering traces of embarrassment as I opened up. “I guess I don’t know who I am.”
She tilted her head. “What do you mean by that?”
“Well, I’ve been shut in for quite a big period of time my life. I’ve… I’ve dedicated myself to my magic, to being an excellent student to Celestia. Sending me to Ponyville changed everything I thought I knew about myself.”
“That would cause a great deal of stress for anyone, I imagine.”
I snorted. “Yeah, but I can’t really complain when you’ve been sent to the moon.” She flinched. Was this inappropriate for a dream conversation? I stuttered. “S-Sorry.”
She sighed. “It's… fine. I have yet to come to terms with my own demons myself.”
“Alright.” I took in a deep breath. “So, making friends is still a very new subject to me. When I went out to get to know one of them better, I… I ended up hurting another. We ended up making up, but I started questioning who I was again. Am I good pony? Am I bad? How I supposed to know when I’ve been shut in all my life!
“Then I lost my magic, or at least the magic I'm familiar with, which is the one defining thing I’ve had with my whole life. And now I really have no idea and I’m just so confused and sad… and… I… I built everything I’ve ever had on that magic. The one thing I knew that defined who I was is gone.”
I sniffled. Could dream me cry? I wanted to. Damn it all, this was harder than I thought it would be. “And now I might become a murderer.”
“I understand.”
I snorted. “A dream, relating to me? How funny.” I paused. She could relate to the murder part.
“Really, I do!” Luna continued, standing up. “I lost who I was when I was… sent away. I had to completely re-evaluate who I wanted to be, who I was going to be. I had to relearn interacting with ponies, on top of being in a foreign world with foreign ponies. You… you and my sister have been so kind, so helpful, I started wondering if I deserved any of it…”
She sighed. “Then I discovered you were affected by the paranormal magic, and I know why.”
My ears pricked up, only to fall back as tears welled in her eyes. “I-It was my fault. Celestia would've picked up if you had paranormal magic, so the only explanation is the elements caused it. I-I don’t know how but I’ve caused you all of this, and I’m so sorry, and-”
“No, no, no!” I said breathlessly, standing in front of her. “Don’t blame yourself. I’ve had problems way before you came along.” She flinched. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that.”
Silence.
“I’m… not very good at this, huh?” I whispered. “So, sorry again.”
More empty, cold, silence.
“It’s nice getting some of that off of my chest,” Luna murmured, staring off into the void.
“It was nice for me too.” It really was; a lot of that had been weighing on me for a while, honestly. Luna seemed to understand a lot too. “Is this what it’ll be like?”
Luna cocked an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, friendship and all. Is… is part of it just finding someone to relate to, and having them help you find yourself? I mean, think about it! We’re both confused as to who we are. Isn’t it perfect for the both of us to help each other find each other?” I paused. “That’s kind of confusing.”
“No, I get it! Really, I do. And... I'm pretty sure you're right.”
I sighed. “I wonder who I’ll turn out to be in these next few years. We’re obviously going to be together a lot more now.”
She paused. “I… I think the nightmare’s gone.”
“Does that mean waking world time?”
“Afraid so.”
I smiled. “But you’re already with me.”
She smiled back. “I guess so.”
I couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed. This empty void had become comforting, for lack of a better word. I coughed into my hoof. “I had the dream of being an astronaut when I was a kid.”
Luna’s ears pricked. “Really?”
“Yeah. I wanted to travel through space. I lost that, though. Having real ambition. Explains why I was a bit angry with Dash.” I sighed. “ You don’t know about that, but… Wouldn’t it be nice to be a foal again, Luna? With hopes that seem limitless and all within reach?”
She nodded. “Yes, ones with dreams are indeed lucky.”
