Salted Pingas Directs a Pony Porno

by Salted Pingas

Rating: mature
Tags: Romance, Self Insert, Sex, Twilight Sparkle, Profanity, Changelings, Original Character, Porn, Trixie, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 3383

Porn director Salted Pingas is tasked with making a lewd film...with a bit of a twist.

Infamous porno director Salted Pingas is contacted by a greasy (but aren't they all) lawyer named Loophole for a client of his, planning to make it work as a documentary of sorts. A documentary with a lot of sex.

I've been putting work into this story every so often for the past four years and I finally finished it awhile ago (this doesn't mean it's a sparkling star of gloriousness, just that I'm a lazy prick). As such, it takes place before Twilight became a princess and Golden Oaks was demolished.

Enjoy.

Published 2020-09-22 15:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-09-22 15:10:01 UTC

If you give a pony a porno

Salted Pingas Directs a Pony Porno

Salted Pingas was a pony with a face that only a mother could love…if she was blind.

Despite his youth, his face was lined with wrinkles of a pony five times his age and was misshapen, the eyes always seeming to be squinting and his grinning mouth almost too big for his lopsided face. The poorly made Mohawk (which he styled up every day) his mane was shaped into, which was a greasy black, did nothing to help his mangled image.

At the moment, his beady black eyes looked over the set, his massive grin giving away the fact that he was pleased with the way it had turned out. Though, then again, he was almost always smiling so maybe he thought it sucked dog shit through a curly straw (which, I might mention, is not very easy…)

Bookshelves, filled with books of all things, adorned the woody walls of the more-or-less circular room, placed with care and precision. A set of stairs led to another room above, and a wooden bust of a pony’s sculpted head sat in the middle of the room. Had he looked to it, the door beheld a candle that always seemed to change from a flat picture to an actual candle when one looked at it, looked away, and then looked at it again (being an earth pony, such magics befuddled him quite greatly). One doorway led to a kitchen while another led down to a mad scientist’s wet dream of a laboratory.

To be blunt, it was Golden Oaks library.

To be true, however, it was actually a replica. Pingas had originally wanted to shoot the short film in the real Golden Oaks, but when he had kindly asked Ms. Sparkle, offering a generous amount of bits as compensation, might he add, she had slammed the door in his ugly face.

So he had to build a replica. Well not him, exactly, he’d had other ponies build it.

And speaking of other ponies, only a couple others were in the room at the moment, two unicorns to be exact.

The first was a mare by the name of Final Cut; she would be using her magic to control the series of cameras that were positioned around the room and get the best possible footage. She wore a serious expression, ignoring Pingas in favor of her equipment.

The second unicorn…

“Trixie is not sure that she’s completely invested in the song that you’ll be playing over the more…” Trixie frowned, a bit uncomfortable, “…intimate scenes. I mean,” her violet eyes scanned over a few lines of the script that she was holding, “‘Come on everypony, fuck, fuck, fuck. Fill my ass up with lots of semen?’” she read, looking up at Pingas with a disturbed gaze.

“Don’t worry, that’ll be added in later. We aren’t going to be playing it here and recording it with these cameras,” Pingas replied smartly, gesturing to one of the cameras posted around the room, “We add it in after we record everything, in post-production.”

“Yes, well, still...is it really necessary? Trixie feels that…”

“Pingas doesn’t care how Trixie feels,” Pingas replied with a trolly grin, “Pingas is the writer, director, and producer and his word is final.”

“Well might we be able to change a few scenes at least? The lines specifically?” Trixie tried again, a bit annoyed that Pingas had just blown her off, she flipped through a few more pages of the script as she stood before him, her signature cape and hat gone, “Trixie feels that her character is horribly out of character what with…how she acts.”

Pingas sighed, placing a hoof on the mare’s shoulder, “Trixie, Trixie, Trixie, your character is a whore, of course she’d act that way.”

“What!?” Trixie exclaimed, not sure whether to be confused, angry, offended, or both, “But…but Trixie is playing The Great and Powerful Trixie!” Trixie sputtered, “She is playing herself!”

“Exactly!” Pingas replied with a smile.

“But Trixie is no—” Trixie began, choosing anger from the three choices.

“Trixie, who doesn’t have a job?” Pingas interrupted calmly.

Still unhappy, Trixie looked away, mumbling something inaudible after a short pause.

“What was that? I can’t hear you, speak up a bit.”

“Trixie,” Trixie replied, unhappiness still tangible.

“And who is paying you a generous amount of bits for your services here?” Pingas continued.

“You,” Trixie grumbled, still not meeting Pingas’ beady-eyed gaze.

“See, there we go!” Pingas said, giving her a pat on the withers and turning to the door that led to the set. He brought up one of his hooves, eyeing it as if he was wearing a watch, which he wasn’t, “Now, where is our last actor?”

As if on cue, the door opened and a group of ponies made their way in, four royal guards and two others. One of these latter two being none other than Twilight Sparkle herself, who was in a heated debate with the other pony, a smartly dressed pegasus with an air of asshole about him, something that pretty much all lawyers have.

“I still don’t see how this works,” Twilight grumbled, glaring around coldly as she examined the set.

“I’ve told you once and I’ll tell you again,” the lawyer began, tone giving away the fact that this conversation wasn’t a first-time thing, “We’re using it as community service to help atone to all those war crimes you’ve been accused of. We’ve worked with the director to make this fulfill the requirements for making a documentary film as part of Equestria’s community service program. Loopholes and fine print and all that,” he explained.

“You say war crimes, I say pre-victory feeding,” Twilight grumbled, glaring gaze meeting Pingas’ own.

“Ah, there you are!” Pingas said happily, grin unnaturally wide as the gaggle approached.

“Why hello,” the lawyer said, stepping forwards for a friendly hoofshake, “I’m Loophole, I assume that you’re Salted—”

“Yes, yes, now shut-up and give me my star so I can start this shoot,” Pingas interrupted, ignoring the offered hoofshake as he eyed Twilight up and down, “You look good,” he commented.

“Excuse me!?” Loophole exclaimed, looking quite offended.

“You look like shit,” Twilight grumbled back coldly, both she and Pingas ignoring the lawyer.

“Why thank you,” Pingas replied with a smile, “Now,” he clapped his forehooves together, “Let’s start this shoot!”

* * *

A warm fire crackled in the fireplace, casting dancing shadows across the walls of the room of the library. The two unicorns’ lips met, each closing their eyes, as they sat on a thick circular mattress, the thing clothed with red blankets and pillows, soft as bits could buy.

Their saliva met with their tongues as the muscles did battle like two thick, moist snakes between their meeting lips. Their breaths blew hotly out the sides of their mouths as they fought for dominance of the other’s oral orifice, their moans like the clashing of swords on a battlefield. Twilight brought up her hooves, tracing them through Trixie’s pale mane.

Trixie slid a hoof across the silken sheets, towards the inner side of one of Twilight’s thighs. Here, she rubbed the hoof into one of her darker purple teats hovering just above the bedsheet.

The contact was met with a flinch of pleasant surprise as Trixie used her hoof to tease the nipple, rubbing it around with her hoof. Twilight gave a throaty moan, pressing her lower body into Trixie’s hoof as she ran her hooves through Trixie’s pale mane. Her tail twitched, lifting from the blanket and revealing her sex as she felt a growing heat in her hindquarters.

Their tongues continued to do battle, poking and prodding at each other before sliding around in the opposing oral orifice, running along teeth and gums. Twilight continued to press her crotch into the blue hoof of her companion just as she rubbed her hooves through Trixie’s silken mane.

On cue, the two pulled back, breath coming out somewhat heavily from their extended oral activities. Their eyes met, the fire from the fireplace dancing within them.

“I want your tongue inside me,” Twilight pleaded, putting on a pouty face for added effect.

Sitting in his Director’s Chair, and unheard by both the mares, Pingas snickered at the cheesy line that he’d written. Loophole glanced over at him from a lesser chair a few feet away, unamused.

“Do you even need to be here?” he muttered to Loophole.

“As I represent my client here, yes I do. Strictly so I can make sure that everything is held up to make this fulfill the requirements for a documentary film.”

“And them too?” Pingas asked, gesturing to the Guard members <<<LOL, members.

“What!?” Loophole hissed, “are you serious?”

Pingas held his gaze for a few seconds, “Nope.”

As the two stallions exchanged words, Twilight gave her partner a shove, knocking Trixie back onto her back, the mare giving a startled squeal as she found herself quickly pinned down.

In the sidelines, the Guards flinched, but otherwise held their ground. Twilight ignored them.

She turned around so that her rump was placed squarely in Trixie’s face, flicking her tail across the other mare’s snout and giving her a good look at her dampening slit.

“Get me to cum and I’ll return the favor,” Twilight said with a smile, licking her lips as she looked back over her rump at Trixie.

Trixie looked from Twilight’s face to her pussy, pausing a moment. Twilight had no such hesitation as she plunged her face to Trixie’s crotch, nibbling at her right teat, taking in the scent of her partner’s own sex. Her teeth massaged the nipple, gasping it and pulling it gently back and forth, twisting on occasion as she tickled at it with her tongue. Trixie squirmed from the tit-play, letting out a light moan. Bringing over a hoof, Twilight played with her left light-blue nub, rolling the teat back and forth in hypnotic motions.

The variable pressure and moisture brought about by the hoof-tooth-tongue combo was enough to ignite a fire in her hindquarters. Trixie dove in.

She lifted her head and snaked her tongue into Twilight’s wet slit, lapping up the moisture within as she ran the powerful muscle along Twilight’s inner walls, dragging her tongue in and out, flicking her clit, and driving back in. Twilight let out a few heavy moans, eyes falling blissfully shut as she gave a quiver of pleasure, continuing to nibble and play with Trixie’s teats, pressing herself more heavily against the pressure of Trixie’s tongue.

Pingas continued his smile, feeling the onset of an erection at the sexy sight before him, the audiences were sure to love this. He lowered a hoof to his growing member, ignoring the odd looks he got from the lawyer.

Twilight’s breath grew heavy with the weight of her nearing orgasm, nipping more violently at Trixie’s teats. She took in the scent of Trixie’s moist cunt with a deep sniff, as if to get high off the smell of it alone.

“Mmmm,” she moaned between nibbles, “oh, Trixie, yes, Trixie!”

Trixie picked up the pace, shifting the full might of her tongue into assaulting Twilight’s hidden clit. The lavender unicorn writhed under the prowess of Trixie’s tongue like a snake to a charmer’s tune. She knew it couldn’t be much longer, the oceans of building orgasm churning within her like a sea of bubbling magma.

“Say my name,” Trixie slurred into Twilight’s pussy.

“Tr-Tri-ix—” but it was too late for the purple pony.

The orgasm exploded through her, overwhelming her senses as she literally burst into green flames, revealing her true from as Trixie cried out in fright as the changeling collapsed down on her.

In an instant the powerful taste of Twilight’s pony poon was replaced by flavorless chitin armor, hard and cool. A warm, wet sensation spilled across her chest, the smell of stallion-seed filling the air. While she never would have admitted it, it wasn’t the first time Trixie had someone cum on her chest.

Though it was the first changeling.

“Oh no! You’re not Twilight!” Trixie exclaimed, trying to squirm free, “what have you done with my love!?”

“Nothing, oh great and powerless Trixie!” the changeling replied with a chitter, “for you now know the great secret of Twilight Sparkle! I,” the changeling paused for dramatic effect, “am your Twilight!”

“Oh no!” Trixie exclaimed again, “what will I do?”

The changeling considered that a moment, still laying atop Trixie. She felt the creature’s newly revealed fifth leg twitch against her chest, “Fuck me,” he said.

Trixie looked curious as he lifted himself from her, turning to the side to give her an astounding view of his lengthy maleness.

“But I thought that all Changelings were asexual creatures,” Trixie stated, remembering the script.

“We have both male and female sexes as you do. Though all but the queen are sterile, us lesser drones do possess vestigial sexual organs,” he gestured down towards himself with a hoof.

Trixie’s curious, but cautious, eyes following the movement to his crotch, finding the creature’s member was somewhat horse-like in appearance, thinner and sharper with a small sheath that barely protruded from the changeling’s body; and, as the changeling had said, no sign of any testicles. It glistened black with the rest of his chitin hide, bits of clear cum still dripping from the tip.

Pingas let out a silent yawn again, checking his hoof as if he had a watch, which he still didn’t.

‘Ugh, this shit is dragging on! It’s gonna be a massive boner-killer for the audience,’ he thought to himself, noticing his retreating erection, ‘We can always just cut it out in post-production,’ he reasoned, smiling to himself.

“Aside from the queen, neither sex has the ability to produce gametes, so none but the queen may procreate,” he gave a fanged smile, “it doesn’t stop us drones from fucking, though.”

“I…suppose that that means that there isn’t much of a market in the contraception business.”

“Exactly,” the changeling replied. Striding back to her, standing above her with his cock within easy reach of her lips, he said, “Now suck my dick.”

Pingas snickered, “I wrote that last part,” he whispered to Loophole.

“I never would have guessed,” Loophole stated with a sarcastic roll of his eyes.

“I know, that’s why I’m here!”

Trixie hesitated for only a moment before gripping the changeling’s shaft with her lips, drawing him in. The flesh was surprisingly tender in her mouth, and the changeling groaned softly as she began to bob her head, taking him in and letting him out as her lips wrapped round him like a sock. Her tongue curled and weaved around his cock, cleaning him of his first orgasm in preparation for the second.

“Oh, yes,” the changeling gasped out, letting her milk him. He lowered his head down to her tail, taking a mighty whiff of her still-wet sex, “I can smell the love coming off of you,” he licked his lips, “and it smells delicious!”

Keeping to his promise of ‘returning the favor,’ the changeling slid his tongue around the outside of her cunt.

Now it was Trixie’s turn to gasp with surprise and delight, her lips only leaving the changeling for a brief instant before she was back to suckling him. His tongue was long and pointed, feeling like soft, silky velvet as it slid up and down inside her. Her hind legs squirmed and spasmed as he played ring around the rosy with her vulva.

Without warning, he dove into her with his tongue, making her squirm and squeal with pleasure. He traced about the inside of her slit, scrubbing the walls of her love tunnel with his tongue. Trixie barely managed to keep his cock in her mouth as his tongue found her clit.

The lips beneath her tail salivated as the changeling fed her his tongue. He shifted full power to her nub, his velvet tongue zeroing in like a laser-guided missile to strike her where she was most sensitive.

“Oh, yes!” Trixie exclaimed past him, “Eat me! Eat me!”

The changeling said nothing, trying to keep his own orgasm in check but a little longer as he pressed and wiggled his taste organ against her clit. She wrapped her own tongue around him as best she could, sucking at him like a foal at a teat, the salty tang of his pre-cum fresh on her tongue.

He only barely managed to get her off before he did, her back arching as her cunt exploded with her orgasm, the changeling following suit as he filled her mouth with his sterile seed. Collapsing off to one side, his cock trailed cum across his partner and their bed as she relinquished him from her grip. Heavy breaths escaped Trixie, her body alive with coursing pleasure that blasted her mind like radiation off a nuclear bomb.

He was still stiff as she rolled over and pulled him against her, his cock smearing her belly as he continued to dribble.

“Shall we try another position, my love?” kissing him with his own seed staining her blue lips.

“Hmm?” he mumbled, then, “Oh, yes!”

He stumbled to his hooves as she rolled onto her belly, presenting him her cunt as she lifted her tail away. He took a deep whiff of her as he approached, smelling the sinful stains in the fur beneath her tail. She felt his hot breath against her, a drop of her juices dripping from her as she grew moist.

Trixie let out a harsh whinny as he mounted her like a pro, prick sliding readily into her holy hole. He began to rut her quickly and with abandon, nibbling at her neck as he rode her down like a cowpony would cattle.

“Mm, ooh yes!” Trixie cried out, the changeling’s thrusting taking all of his concentration.

Again, Pingas was pleased to find himself quite horny. It almost made up for that boring part in the middle.

The changeling’s tongue lashed out in a wild hiss as he dumped his sterile juice within Trixie. Yet before she could be displeased at her own lack of orgasm, the changeling was rutting again.

It was only after his second orgasm that Trixie followed suit, a gasp escaping her as her legs turned to butter and she collapsed limply to the bed. He continued to ride her limp form once more before joining her, not bothering to retrieve himself from her lower lips as he lay blissfully across her.

“Aaaand, cut!” Pingas declared, snapping his hooves together as if he had a clapperboard, “that’s a wrap!”

“So we’re done here?” the changeling asked, standing from Trixie as if nothing had happened. Trixie lay where she was, feeling somewhat sad at the changeling’s abrupt departure.

“Yep,” Pingas replied, hopping from his Director’s Chair and giving it a smack. It hopped a foot in the air and folded itself neatly at his hooves.

Final Cut began to do her camera stuff, something far too below Pingas for him to understand as he began to stroll away. A startled and visibly ruffled Loophole frowned, looking between the set and director as one left the other.

“You’re just going to go with that one shoot? I may not have the credentials to be a movie-pony, but…”

“And why not?” Pingas replied, not breaking stride as he left the set, Loophole suddenly on his heels, “Need more than one shoot, that is?” the changeling followed, the four guards surrounding him, but not before he sent a subtle wink Trixie’s way, “You ever see the movie called Plan 69 in your Fucking Face?” Loophole cringed at the name, “Great flick, I should know, I wrote, directed, and produced it.”

“Didn’t it completely flop at the box office?” Loophole inquired.

“Yeah, but they’re all a bunch of dumbasses when it comes to movies, I mean, where the hell is the box office anyways? I never saw it on any map, and why’s it called a box office if it’s meant to be about movies?”

Loophole could only frown and wonder where he’d found this pony anyways. Then he remembered as a sinking feeling filled his belly: craigslist.