Sit on my Face!

by Dandereshy

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Mystery, Spike, Comedy, Random, Discord
Length: 3139

A strange "joke" is spreading through Ponyville, and Twilight must stop it.

(Note: Title is not a sexual innuendo.)

When Twilight heads out to run a few errands, she is stopped by somepony with a very peculiar question: can I sit on your face? Appalled, she obviously declines and goes on about her day. But then more ponies ask. The question is "spreading" fast, and when one of her friends joins in on the odd requests, she determines that something is very wrong.

Twilight must race against time and pony butts to find out where this "disease", this "joke", is coming from, and how to stop it before all of Equestria wants to "sit on your face."

Rated Teen because butts.

(Once again, the title is not a sex pun.:trixieshiftleft:)

Published 2017-01-27 23:50:11 UTC
Last updated 2017-01-27 23:50:11 UTC

The Plot

         Twilight groaned as she searched the kitchen cabinets for salt. The stew she'd been brewing up wouldn't be complete without it.

         "Spike!" she called out to the little dragon, who rushed into the messy kitchen upon hearing his name. "Did you take the salt to the tub again?"

         "No! I haven't done that in awhile..." he replied defensively, twiddling his claws.

         Purple pone sighed, shutting the cabinets in defeat and gazing into her beautiful concoction simmering on the stove. "Then I guess I'll need to take a trip into town."

         Spike came over and hopped into the counter. "I'll watch this for you," he offered, licking his lips and staring hungrily down in the tall black pot.

         Twilight threw on her saddlebag. "Thanks Spike. You're awesome. I'll be back shortly." She turned and trotted down the hall and towards the exit.

         Spike grabbed the spoon and started stirring, his stomach beginning to growl.

         "Uh... I should taste test this to make sure it's good." He lifted the spoon to his mouth and slurped up the contents. "Okay, one more." He did it a second time. "Alright, third's a charm." He scooped up another spoonful and ate it up. "A forth time will definitely tell me for sure..."

         Twilight strolled into the grocery district downtown and used her magic to pull out her list of needs. Although she came out here for salt, she might as well get the other few things on the list she kept in her saddlebag.

         She held it close and scanned the page. "Turnips, parchment, cotton balls, hay, tea, onions..." She scratched her chin thoughtfully. "I'll start with the onions and turnips, since they'll be close to each other." She rolled up the list and stored it in her bag, heading off in the direction of the bulbs and ground vegetable stands.

         On this warm, sunny Equestrian day, lots of ponies were out getting their shopping done. It was early summer, and the weather had been great for the past week. Ponies took advantage of this while they could, as a scheduled rain was coming soon.

         Twilight wormed her way through the crowds and found the onion stand. There was nopony in line, so she walked right up and snatched up a bunch of bulbs, setting them on the counter for the stand owner.

         The stallion greeted her with a friendly smile. "Hello, Princess Twilight. Good to see you. Is this all?"

         She nodded. "How much?" She pulled out her sack of bits and opened it, prepared to obtain the right amount.

         "3 bits," he replied, still smiling.

         Twilight pulled the amount and set the coins on the counter, which were immediately snapped up.

         She placed the onions in her bag and gave a brief smile back to the owner. "Thank you, have a great day!" She turned to head off to the stand just a few yards away, when she heard the stallion's reply.

         "You too! Can I sit on your face?"

         Dumbstruck, she slowly turned back to him. "Um... Could you repeat that? I don't think I heard you correctly."

         The stallion grinned widely. "Sure! Can I sit on your face?"

         "That's what I thought you said. I'm going to have to... Politely decline that offer..." She took a few steps back.

         The guy nodded. "I understand. Later then!" He waved.

         Without another word, Twilight spun away and trotted quickly to the turnip stand. "Well that was odd..."

         The young mare running this stand gave her a toothy grin upon her arrival. "Hello Twilight! Good to see you!"

         She returned the greeting and selected a small bunch of turnips, setting them on the wooden counter and digging for her bits again.

         "That'll be two bits!" the girl said happily.

         Twilight surrendered two gold coins and took the bulbs into her saddlebag where the onions were. "Thank you. Have a great rest of your day." She turned and started off.

          "Only if I can sit on your face!" the stand owner replied giddily.

         Twilight's ear twitched and she stopped dead in her tracks. She turned to the pony and gave her a dirty look. "Is this some kind of joke? Because frankly I'm not finding it funny."

         The mare looked confused. "What? I just asked if I could sit on your face. I've done nothing wrong."

         "No, you can't sit on my face. Okay? Okay." Twilight spun around and took off down the dirt path a little before taking out the list, crossing off the two items she just bought. "Hmm..." Next thing close by on the list was the tea, so she made her way over to the drinks and such.

         When she came upon that stand, there was an empty line again, so she made her way to the counter. The older mare gave a nod, but said nothing.

         Twilight searched through the small crates of teabags, finding the variety she liked most and setting a few bags aside. "How much for these chamomile tea bags?"

         "Free if I can sit on your face," was the gruffy response.

         Twilight facehoofed. "Again?" She sighed, turning away. "Keep your tea..."

         Instead of heading off to the next destination, Twilight ran right into two ponies who were staring at her and talking quietly to each other, as if gossiping.

         Raising an eyebrow questioningly, Twilight moved a bit closer, now within earshot of the two "gossiping" mares.

         "... I'd totally sit on her face..."

         "Oh, yeah, she's got a sittable face. Totally."

         Twilight finally broke. "What they hay is wrong with you ponies?!" she hollered, running off and out of the crowds, who watched her with a mix of confusion and concern.

         Once she was sure she was safe, she stopped and panted. "Something is up..."

         "Twilight?" The soft voice behind her nearly sent her into space.

         The princess turned quickly and discovered Fluttershy standing before her, also seeming to be worried about her.

         Twilight gave a sigh of relief. "Fluttershy! Boy am I glad to see you..." She trotted over, taking the shy pones' hoof and leading her further from the ponies in town.

         "Wh-what's wrong, Twilight?"

         Half-dragging her, Twilight led the pegasus to a more secluded spot and let go of her. "Alright. You're not in on this joke going around, are you?"

         Fluttershy scrunched her eyebrows together. "Um... What?"

         "The joke! You know, where ponies want to do something?" Twilight waited for her to come to realisation.

         But Fluttershy was dumbfounded. "Twilight, are you okay...? You seem a little distressed..."

         Twilight sighed. "I'm fine. I am distressed though. But maybe I should just go on about my day."

         Fluttershy nodded. "That's okay, I guess. If you want, I can sit on your face," she offered gingerly.

         Twilight deadpanned. "I'm so out of here." She ran off in the opposite direction as fast as possible, leaving Fluttershy standing there, scratching her head.

         Once she got halfway across town, Twilight finally stopped, standing before the Carousel Boutique. "Maybe Rarity isn't in on this..." she said to herself, more hopefully than anything else.

         As she pushed the door open and the little bell rang, Rarity came stumbling down the stairs, trying to sow at the same time. "Hello, welcome to the -- oh, Twilight dear. What brings you here?"

         "Rarity! It's an emergency!" She slammed the door shut and rushed up the the white and purple unicorn. "Everypony is in on this joke and it's really terrifying! I figured you're the only pony with enough class not to join in."

         Rarity set the gown aside. "Whatever do you mean? What joke?"

         Twilight thought for a second before replying. "Well, it's... Really weird. I don't know. It's so odd I don't even want to tell you," she said admittedly.

         "I understand dear. Come, sit down and explain to me what's happening while I sit on your face." Rarity went to the couch, but the bell rang as Twilight raced out.

         "Hmm..." Rarity hummed. She picked up the dress she was working on and went back upstairs.

          Twilight was already on her way to Sweet Apple Acres by the time Rarity even got up the stairs. Maybe Applejack would know about what's going on and explain it to her. She couldn't lie, so if Twilight asked her about the joke, she'd have to tell her the truth.

         Much to her relief, Applejack and Big Mac were outside working amongst the Apple trees, filling buckets and loading them up to be brought back to the farm.

         Twilight flew over the trees and landed beside the two as they worked, catching them off guard.

         "Whoa, Nelly. Twilight, ya came up pretty fast. What's goin' on?" Orange pone asked, wiping her brow with the back of her foreleg and staring at her friend as she approached, looking disheveled.

         Waiting until she could breathe a bit better, Twilight finally gasped her response. "AJ! Something has come up. This horrid joke going around and it's beginning to frighten me. Are you in on this?"

         The earth pony glanced over at her brother and back at Twilight. "In on what? What joke are ya goin' on about?"

         Twilight grumbled in frustration. "The joke everypony has been asking me. It's so odd! Please tell me you're not a part of it! Please!" she begged, on her knees.

          Applejack came over and placed a hoof on her shoulder. "Twi, I haven't the slightest clue what you mean, but if ya want, we can go inside and git ya some cider and talk this out."

         They all made their way back to the farm.

         Twilight felt less afraid now, feeling the solution to the problem comimg soon. "Thanks, AJ. We can get this all sorted out finally."

         "Don't mention it," she replied. "Though, if ya don't mind, me an' Big Mac are probably gonna git cleaned up first. We can't sit on yer face dirty."

         Big Mac nodded, pulling the cart of apples. "Eeyup."

         "Gosh darn it!" Twilight spread her wings and flew off as fast as she could go.

         AJ and Big Mac shrugged and went back to work.

         Twilight flew around, scanning the skies for Rainbow Dash. Surely her loyalty would keep her from such a cruel and annoying joke, right? She'd have to admit to knowing about the joke and call it quits!

         After going around in circles three times, she finally spotted Pinkie and Rainbow walking together near the outskirts of town.

         "Yes!" Twilight exclaimed, soaring down to them.

         Rainbow and Pinkie were startled when Twilight landed right in front of them, cutting them off.

         "Oh, hey Twilight! What's up?" Rainbow asked, looking pretty happy.

         Twilight gasped a few times before providing an answer. "What's up? A lot! Like this joke that has to stop!" she said angrily, giving them both a look.

         Pinkie hopped up and down. "Ooh, a joke? I wanna hear, I wanna hear!"

         Rainbow shook her head. "Uh, what the hay are you talking about? What joke?"

         Twilight got up in their faces, her eye twitching. "Don't play dumb! Are you in on it? Just tell me so we can get this over with!"

         The two mares backed away from the crazy purple horse.

         "Twilight, we have no idea what you're talking about." Rainbow looked over at Pinkie, who shrugged.

         Twilight stood there, eyeing them both. "So, you gonna say it or not?"

         Silence from the other two.

         "Say it!" Twilight yelled, throwing her head back and stomping.

         "Seriously, go get help. We have no idea what joke you're talking about or why you want us to 'say it'." Rainbow turned away, and Pinkie followed suit.

         Twilight was astounded. They hadn't said it and they were attempting to leave! She flew up and over them, landing in front of them to cut them off a second time. "So you'll tell me why this jokes been going around?"

         Rainbow gave a heavy sigh. "Still don't know what you mean. Need us to sit on your face? Maybe that'll help you explain this a little better."

         "Get away from me!" Twilight roared and zoomed away, leaving a trail of smoke in her wake.

         Pinkie turned to Rainbow. "We should totally throw a face-sitting party. And invite Twilight!"

         "That sounds sweet! Let's do it!" Rainbow agreed, running off, the pink party pone joining her.

         Her last resort, the Castle in Canterlot, was lit up with burning torches and candles as Twilight hurriedly flew towards it, the sun down finally and the moon making its way up from the horizon.

         Princess Celestia would never join such a silly, annoying joke, so she knew she'd have to go to her to get this sorted out once and for all.

         Upon entering the castle, everything seemed to be in order. Celestia and Luna sat on their thrones, talking idly about something when Twilight galloped up to them, breathing heavily.

         Celestia stood up, looking down at the purple unicorn with concern. "Twilight, what seems to be the matter? Are you well?"

         Twilight regained her composure and faced the two sisters. "No, nothing is okay. This joke is beginning to bug me! Can you make it stop? Please?" Her eyes teared up.

         "What joke, Twilight? What is this joke you speak of?" Luna inquired, standing up as well.

         She took a deep breath and let it out. "I... I'm not sure, but it's something ponies have been asking me all day, and it's not funny. I don't know what to do! Everypony I know has been a part of the joke!" Twilight collapsed.

         Celestia made her way down to poor Twilight, resting a reassuring hoof on her shoulder. "Whatever is ailing you, I will try my best to help resolve it."

         "Thank you, Princess Celestia. Lest start with the joke please..."

         "I think you need to relax first, Twilight. Perhaps a short nap is in order," the tall white alicorn offered her.

         Twilight wasn't sure. "I don't think that'll help. I need to know why everypony is asking me that strange question..." She glanced around the room, looking for any more of these crazed ponies.

         Celestia followed her gaze. "While I agree with you, on whatever you mean, I think it's best if you relax, and have somepony sit on your face."

         Twilight fell to the floor and curled up. "Nooooo!"

          "Is something wrong Twilight?" Celestia gave a worried glance to Luna, who gave the same back to her older sister.

         Twilight slowly rocked back and forth, moving away from the two confused princesses inch by inch. "Just... Let me be..." She did this all the way to the entrance of the castle, then flew off back to her own.

         Celestia sighed. "They never let us sit on their face, my sister."

         When Twilight got back to her home, she went in quickly, hoping to not be seen. She knew at this hour, everypony would be asleep, but even so, she was scared somepony would actually sit on her face as opposed to asking politely first.

         Climbing the stairs up to her bedroom, she closed the door and locked it. "That should do it..."

         She climbed into bed, pulling the covers up to her neck and closing her eyes. "Perhaps tomorrow I'll wake up and this'll all be a dream..."

         It didn't take long for her to doze off.

         "Wakey wakey, Princess Twilight!"

         "Ahhhh!" She bolted upright, assuming a defensive position.

         It was Discord, grinning down at her while he floated above the bed.

         "Discord!" she yelled. "What are you doing in my room? Don't you know I sleep without my clothes?"

         He raised an eyebrow. "You don't wear clothes. Anyway, I came to ask if you've seen Fluttershy, by any chance."

         Twilight crawled out of bed, eyeing the draconequus suspiciously. "No, I haven't seen her since yesterday. Right after she asked to sit on my face!"

         Discord looked surprised. "Oh? That's odd. She was only supposed to do that for me."

         Twilight frowned.

         Discord landed and stroked his goatee. "Perhaps I shouldn't have cast that particular spell on her. She wants to sit on everypony's now, doesn't she?" he asked, going to the window and looking out into the distance with a pair of binoculars he just poofed up.

         "No, everypony wants to sit on my face!" the angered purple pony growled. "Is this your doing?"

         He turned back to her and shrugged, tossing the binoculars aside. "It's a possibility that the spell I cast was a bit contagious. I'll just go ahead and get rid of it."

         Twilight glared at him. "You did this by casting a spell on Fluttershy so she'd sit on your face? What the heck?!"

         "What? You've never found pony butts to be warm and comforting? I have." He snapped his claws and a wave of energy spread throughout the room, then moving outward further, passing through all of Ponyville and eventually Equestria.

         "Discord!" Twilight groused, still glaring at him. "You've got to be kidding me."

         "Nope! See you around, Sparkle butt!" He disappeared before Twilight could protest.

         "Ugh," she groaned, rolling her eyes.

         Later that day, Twilight and her friends hung out at Sugarcube Corner, enjoying a little get together while Twilight explained to them the incidents from the day preceding.

         "I can't believe we wanted to sit on your face," Rainbow said, sipping some punch from a glass, lounging in the seat beside Twilight.

         Twilight nodded. "I'm just glad it's all over."

         Rarity came back over to the table and joined them, a small pink cake on the plate she was carrying. "I hope we can forget all of that and move on? It's actually quite embarrassing," she said with a red face, taking her seat.

         Twilight smiled. "Sure, of course. As long as you guys do me a favor."

         "What's that, Twi?"

         Twilight rubbed her hooves together. "Sit on my face!"

         They all burst into laughter, genuine  and amused at first, then it turned to a more nervous sound.

         "No, seriously, sit on my face."