BEEP BEEP BEEP
The merciless buzzing refused to stop, with a groan the man rolled over to try to block out the noise. Too bad machines are heartless jerks who refuse to allow pitiful humans the time for rest. One day, the man vowed, he would murder all technology everywhere. Or at least all clocks... Or at least his clock...
The man awoke with a groan, rubbing the Sandman from his eyes as he rolled over. He smashed his hand upon the devilish contraption. But the evil monster refused to stop. In anger he ripped the cord from the wall, while in the process finding a way to knock over half the furniture in the room. It was at this point he realized his clock ran on batteries and he had destroyed the cord of his lamp.
The universe really had it in for him today.
Deciding he had enough the man threw the clock across the room, creating a large hole in the wall that he had just fixed. Yet the clock continued its attack upon the mans ears.
Such was a regular morning in life of James.
After destroying the clock James headed down the hall to the kitchen. James was the kind of hardworking American who without his coffee, was quite literally a walking nightmare. Creating destruction wherever he went for no other reason then the universe getting a good laugh out of it. The universe is a jerk like that.
James poured himself a nice hot cup of Joe, Somehow finding a way to fall asleep and over pour it. Deciding that he could clean it up after he got his coffee he set to work on it.
As science could explain, hot coffee is hot. As soon as his tongue touched it he reared back in pain and dropped the cup of magma on the floor. Spilling over EVERY part of his lower body. Today was not his day, just like every morning.
Still too tired to notice his face, or more specifically his upper lip, feeling weird, he fixed himself another cup of coffee. This time he was smart about it and put cold milk in it, how he forgot to do that the first time is something only the universe knows. On his way to the bathroom he noticed a strange sort of whimpering, he couldn't find out where it came from because every time he called out it stopped, likely from fear. He was still not fully with it, as he hadn't had his formal shower and mustache trimming session.
Removing his underwear he got ready to get in the shower. He couldn't help admire his wonderful pink... mustache. He was positive his mustache wasn't pink, had big scared eyes, or cried. In fact all of those things are very un-mustache like.
Deciding that he was officially crazy he decided to go along with it. If you're insane there is no reason not to enjoy it.
"Are you ok mustache?" His now pink and yellow mustache epped in reply. Yup he was definitely insane.
"What is your name?" Hey who says mustaches don't have names? Have you ever seen a talking mustache? Then how can you assume they don't have names?
The now called mustache whispered something in reply, so quietly it would have to talk into a megaphone for him to hear.
"Say again?" The mustache repeated its name.
"Slutterhigh?" The small creature tried again.
"Buttersnigh?" Again, the mustache spoke up.
"Fluttershy?" The pony nodded in his mirror. Satisfied that all his problems would disappear, or at least he would wake up and find out this was all a crazy dream, he got into the shower. He didn't care if his now talking mustache saw him naked, it was a mustache, it is not like it mattered anyway. His mustache didn't seem to think so.
"Please stop crying Fluttershy..." The mustache whispered sorry, seems his mustache is a little uncomfortable with seeing him naked. Well his mustache better get over it, he was contemplating shaving it. Although a talking mustache is a once in a lifetime opportunity and should not be taken lightly.
"With great power comes great responsibility"
James couldn't help but wonder if his now talking mustache gave him magical powers. If it did he would be the coolest thing since sliced bread, or at least till Lady Gaga. Although if you think about it that doesn't seem like such an accomplishment.
"Umm... hold your breath mustache I'm going to wash you." After being sure his mustache was holding its breath he covered it in a drop of soap. He quickly finished up since he wasn't sure how long his mustache could hold its breath.
Did he just wonder how long his mustache could hold its breath? Yah, he was officially insane. Least it seems to be the fun kind of insane instead of the 'I'm gonna cut you' insane.
After getting dressed for work he headed out the door, hey if he was insane then no one will see his new mustache. It could be a fun experience. And if not... well He will cross that bridge when he comes to it.
He smiled at the kid across the road playing on his tricycle. The kid seemed to be distracted somehow.
"Is there something on my face?" The child did not respond, instead opting for running inside of his home screaming. Weird. Ahh well today was casual Monday, he wasn't going to let insanity stop him.You can only wear jeans once a week at work. Such a thing was immensely important to the fabric of space and time. The very nature of this day depending upon its jeanyness. At least in James' mind.
This was made to get over my writers block for my other story, if you enjoy this please say so. If enough people like this I MIGHT start updating it regularly. Until then this will not be updated often, by the definition of 'often' means how often I get writers block so... No Idea. Please leave constructive critism. Say whether I should continue this or not, or if I should just "BURN IT WITH FIRE" Because fire kills all monsters. Also I shout out to Troutking (known as Troutface by me) for being awesome.
ATTENTION READERS. I have been hit by inspiration, the below is this said inspiration. Laugh at your leisure. Also credit to Allen H for the 'idea' Trust me you'll know what it is... I am making such a troll face right now.
James got comfortable in his automobile, if you say 'automobile' in the loosest possible sense. To call it a car would be insulting to car makers everywhere, if you were to put monster truck wheels on a golf cart and spray paint it puke green it would still look better. No this was... A minivan. James shuddered every time he got in it, for a single, twenty five year old to own a minivan is the universes biggest joke on him so far. He has owned the monster since his sixteenth birthday. James swears he can still hear his father laughing at him from the pits of hell... Hey he gave him a minivan he deserves to go there.
Least James thinks so.
"It's 'er... hmm... Nice." said James' mustache. He wasn't sure if mustaches had any sense in style or if it was mocking him. Likely both, but from the sound of its adorable voice James couldn't convince himself to tell Fluttershy to shut up. He had a feeling the universe would have revenge against him... somehow.
Deciding to try and drown out his misery with music he put in a random CD. Hey he may be twenty five but that doesn't mean he is 'down with the times man'. He gave a very manly squeal by the song that came on.
"Yeah mustache listen to THIS"
James started singing along with it, while at the same time clapping to the music. This can only end well.
In the time of chimpanzees I was a monkey
Butane in my veins so I'm out to cut the junkie
With the plastic eyeballs, spray paint the vegetables
Dog food stalls with the beefcake pantyhose
By this point James had passed through three red lights, and nearly hit five cars. Singing the entire time. And in the end isn't that all that matters? The universe didn't think so. But James disregarded the universes opinion, instead opting for continuing on with what he was doing.
Don't believe everything that you breathe
You get a parking violation and a maggot on your sleeve
So shave your face with some mace in the dark
Savin' all your food stamps and burnin' down the trailer park
James continued, ignoring the small part of his brain that wasn't wildly singing, it said something along the lines of "Why am I stuck with this idiot?" To say Fluttershy was terrified would be an understatement. She woke up this morning attached to a strange alien creatures face, saw his 'thing' with in the first five minutes of him noticing her, and then he gets into a metal monster yelling out to the world while passing other metal monsters at high speed. But other then that she completely fiiiinnneee.
"Oh I'm a loser baaaabyyyy so who doon't you killll... me?" Out of no where a truck pulled out in front of him. Not the modern type of truck, no, the kind that is made of iron that you see at the scene of an accident with the shrapnel of the car that hit it scattered around. James was to put it lightly... screwed...
He saw his life flash before his eyes in under a second... and he was bored. Welp, sucks for James. He then dreamed dreams only crazy psychos can dream. Or at least a guy with a Flutterstache that got hit by a truck.
James awoke on his bed, feeling groggy. Expecting to feeling Fluttershy at his lip he touched his face. All he felt was that familiar feel of manly facial hair. Ah just a dream...
"Hey there! What's your name? Oh I already know your name, but its fun to ask anyway so the readers get a chance at some dialog!"
"Wait wha-"
"Oh you don't know me do you? I'm Pinkie Pie!"
"Where are you?"
"On your head silly filly!"
James cautiously lifted his hands up to his head, what he felt was beyond surprising, in fact he has never even styled his hair this way. Shocked out of his stupor he ran to the bathroom to look in the mirror. It was even more horrifying then he could have imagined...
On top of his head was a large, pink afro with blue eyes sticking out of it. Without warning James announced his displeasure at the world.
"WHHHHHHHHHYYYY!" He did dramatically getting on his knees with both hands in the air.
"That's because the author wants you to have a horrible life for the entertainment of bronys! I think this is funny!"
"WE CAN'T CONTROL IT, SHE KEEPS BREAKING IT!" What?!
"Run for your lives, the wall is breaking!" With no warning a large number of scientists came running out of his room, screaming their heads off.
"What are you yelling about!?"
"Its all goin' down man, she broke the wall man."
"What wall? What are you talking about?" James said to the hippie that seemed to appear from the air itself just for a few laughs. Freakin' universe.
"THE WALL MAN!" Deciding he should just go with the flow, James began running with the mob of scientists and hippie, the afro atop his head laughing wildly. A dark hole appeared in front of the mob, causing each of them to fall into its bottomless depths. James would be proud to say he gave off the most manly, most girly scream ever.
"WHEEEEEEEE" Pinkie yelled. Despite the others seeing no hope of survival, Pinkie knew better. She knew the author wouldn't let the main character die so suddenly. The most convenient way would be a crazy dream, and like Pinkie, the author saw the wisdom in being lazy.
James awoke with a groan... So was it a dream within a dream? Or did he just wake up in a dream? How often do you wake up in dreams?
"NOTHING MAKES SENSE" He yelled to the world... at this point he realized he just survived a likely fatal car crash. He couldn't decide if he was the luckiest person alive, or just lucky enough not to be dead. Because he surely isn't as lucky as the jerk across the street that has never gotten in a car accident. Remembering he was not the only one in the car he checked out his mustache. Besides nearly dying it seemed fine.
The person in the opposing truck got out, looked around. And seeing no one except myself at the scene, likely dead, they drove off. WHAT A JERK. They get in a wreck and don't even check to see if I'm alive? Too bad James didn't see their license plate. Well his car was totaled. He made a promise to himself yesterday... he would not miss casual Monday for ANYTHING. He would go to hell and back for this, he would have to die for him to fail his objective. With fire in his eyes, he took out his phone, reported the accident, and Sprinted in the general direction of the office he works at.
