The Stubbliest of Dance Floors
Twilight winced while raising a hoof. “Princess, I—”
“Not now, Twilight. I’m finally warmed up.” With a practiced toss of her head, Princess Cadence motioned for the band to increase the tempo. When they launched into a tarantella, she grinned. Whirling, her hooves rose and fell in time with the staccato beat.
And with each hoof-fall, the transients beneath them groaned and spat out curses.
“Sorry! Oh, I’m so sorry!” Twilight said. She reached out for one only to shift to another, and then another, unsure of who she should help first. She jerked away when gold-clad hoof descended on the nearest hobo’s sooty cheek. “Cadence!”
Humming along with the tune, Cadence twirled, leapt, and spun her way from one end of the makeshift dance floor to the other. Once she reached the opposite end, she shook her tail in Shining Armor’s direction and gave him a wink.
“Nopony’s got moves like you, babe!” he yelled back at her.
Twilight stomped over to her brother. “Quit encouraging her and do something!”
“I am doing something.”
Twilight turned away for a moment, quickly scanning the room before returning to her brother and throwing a hoof out toward the spectacle. “And how exactly is it helping?”
Eyes twinkling, Shining Armor watched his wife sway to and fro, grinding her hooves into the bums beneath them. “It’s helping me, um… grease the wheels.”
Twilight tilted her head to the side and raised an eyebrow. “Huh?”
Shining leaned over and whispered into Twilight’s ear. “Cadence is the princess of love, but it never hurts to get her into a good mood, you know? Kinda seal the deal?”
Twilight took a step back and glared at her brother. “I don’t believe you!”
“Eh, you’d get it if you were a stallion,” Shining replied, shrugging.
“And what about them?” Twilight snapped back, pointing to the sixteen hobos that had been securely lashed together to form a small dance floor. “Do you think they’re getting it?”
Shining winced at the hollow bonking sound Cadence’s hoof made as she stepped onto the forehead of one particularly greasy tramp. He shifted the tiny stub of his cigar over in his mouth to burn what bit of her leg that he could reach, but she was away before he could singe her. “Yeah, I’d say he got it, for sure.”
“Isn’t anypony going to do something?” Twilight’s voice rang through the ballroom, and the surrounding ponies stared back at her with expressions ranging from sheepish to hostile. One finely dressed mare several yards away stepped forward and cleared her throat. “Hobo dancing is an honored tradition in the Crystal Empire.”
“It is not!”
“It is,” Cadence purred. Her hooves worked through a complex pattern of steps. As her hoof landed, a hobo grunted and squinted up menacingly at the princess.
“I’m’a gonna shank ya if’n I ever get loosa these ropes, Your Princessness. I ain’t—”
“Hush,” Cadence replied, slapping her tail down across the vagrant’s scabbed and bestubbled face. “It’s a tradition by royal decree, Twilight. The documents are all in the hall of records.”
“Since when?” Twilight said, squinting. “I’ve read all of the Crystal Empire’s by-laws and—”
Cadence rolled her eyes, then went back to shimmying. “Since two weeks ago. You just haven’t been back to check up on things recently.”
“Get funky, babe!” Shining called out, pumping a hoof. “I like it when you get all sweaty!”
“All I wanted was a bit o’ peace to eat my tin can fulla beans!” a gravelly voice called out from floor level.
“Can you spare some bits? I’m just tryin’ to get back to Appleloosa. I’ll pay ya ba—oof!”
With a disgusted sigh, Twilight stomped to the pillar that Princess Celestia was hiding behind. “You’ve got to do something!”
Princess Celestia pulled at her peytral, sweating lightly. “Twilight, I-I’d love to, but…” She swallowed loudly.
“But what, Princess?”
“Well, the Crystal Empire is a sovereign nation…”
Twilight sputtered for a moment before managing to proceed. “Sovereign nation? Princess, she’s—”
“Does this not bring you back, my sister?” Grinning widely, Princess Luna trotted up with two bags filled with popcorn. “These modern times may indeed hold many wonders, but it gladdens my heart to see a return to the older, more natural ways.”
“Luna, now’s not the best time—”
“What do you mean, ‘return to the older, more natural ways’, Princess Luna?” Twilight said.
Opening wide, Luna crammed a hoofful of popcorn into her mouth and chewed. “There is an order to things,” she said somewhat thickly from around the snack. “The peasantry serves and the royalty rules. Ever has it been this way. From time to time, reinforcement is required.”
“Luna, we’ve discussed this,” Princess Celestia hissed in a low voice.
“Observe, sister,” Princess Luna said, motioning toward the assemblage with a wing. “Is that not joy on the faces of the gentry? Are hooves not clapping? Are bodies not swaying in time?”
Princess Celestia closed her eyes for a moment, pursing her lips before continuing. “Things have changed since then.”
Settling onto her haunches, Luna tossed a few more kernels into the air, then leaned back to catch them with her open mouth. “What is changed may be unchanged, sister.”
Twilight finally closed the mouth that had been slowly sagging open for the last several moments. “Are you serious, Luna?”
“Twilight, please let me handle this,” Princess Celestia said in a weary voice. “She’s been like this ever since Cadence found that passage in the historical texts.”
“What passage?” Twilight replied, her brow furrowing.
Luna tapped her hoof along with the music. “A record of the royal review of Clover the Clever’s alicorn analysis. In it, he found several interesting—”
“Aren’t those your friends over there, Twilight?” Princess Celestia placed a strong wing against Twilight’s rump and pushed her away, speaking loudly enough to drowned out her sister. “Maybe you should go say hello.”
Pursing her lips, Twilight glared over her shoulder at her mentor while trotting away, but Princess Celestia seemed suspiciously interested in the gleaming crystal inlays near the ceiling. Twilight was just about to turn around and head back when a leg hooked around her neck and pulled her in close.
“This just ain’t right, Twilight. We gotta do somethin’.”
Twilight let out a relieved sigh. “Thank goodness. I was starting to wonder if everypony had gone crazy!”
Applejack tipped her hat back and squinted at the dance floor. “Ain’t that just the livin’ end? The elites tramplin’ all over the rights of the underclass. Well, I just can’t stand no more of it.”
Twilight pressed a hoof to Applejack’s chest. “No, wait. I-I get it, Applejack. I don’t like it either, but we can’t just charge over and kick her or whatever it is that you have in mind.”
“Kick her?” Applejack replied, tilting her head to the side. “Twilight, that ain’t the way you change the imbalance in social classes. You gotta—”
“Oh, here we go again,” Rarity levitated a champagne flute from the tray of a passing waiter. “Honestly, Applejack, you’d think a pony so close to the earth would be able to see the natural order of things.”
Applejack flushed. “Just ’cause you were born with a silver—”
Twilight stepped in front of Applejack. “Rarity, you… you don’t support this, do you?”
“Why, Twilight! What a thing to say!” Rarity took an indignant step back. “Of course I don’t.”
“It’s… It’s just awful,” Fluttershy said, emerging from behind a large potted plant.
Collapsing into a nearby chair, Twilight wiped her brow. “You have no idea how relieved I am to hear that. Girls, I really need your help to—”
Rarity gasped and somehow managed to pale. She pointed a trembling hoof toward the frenzied boogie-ing. “See? See? It’s a travesty! She’s getting horrible hobo blood all over the hem of her lovely mint dress!”
“Their blood’s just as good as hers!” Applejack said, poking her hoof into Rarity’s chest for emphasis. “One day, that dance floor’ll rise on up and overthrow the rhythmic hoof of tyranny!”
Fluttershy edged around the plant to stand next to Twilight. “You’ve got to get her to stop.”
“Yes, and that’s why I need your help! We need to—”
“What if she twists a hoof? Or… or cuts her ankle on hobo antler?” Fluttershy worried at the edge of her hoof. “Tramps are pretty shifty, after all.”
“They ain’t got antlers, Shy,” Applejack said with a deep frown. “Quit tryin’ to take away their equinity.”
Rarity tipped her flute out toward the dance floor. “That one does.”
Applejack squinted. “I think that’s just a horrifyin’ skin condition. Or maybe be the result of inbreedin’.” She rounded on Rarity. “That’s what happens when you take what’s rightful away from the workin’ poor and give it all to a hoofful of ponies who think they’re better’n everypony else!”
“Working? Hardly.” Rarity rolled her eyes. “I keep telling you, Applejack, it’s not just some crazy thought experiment. It’s scientifically proven.”
“Girls! I really need you to—wait.” Twilight leaned in. “What’s scientifically proven?”
“Why, the authority of the ruling class, of course.” Rarity took a sip from her glass. “I’d think you of all ponies would recognize that.”
Applejack rocked back on her hooves for a moment, her eyes wide. “Twilight! I… You… How could you?”
Twilight’s eyes clouded over with confusion as they traveled from Applejack to Rarity and back to Applejack again. “What? Me? I don’t think I’m better than anypony else!”
Sighing, Rarity patted Twilight gently. “Darling, what you think about the matter has no bearing. It simply is. We have data. I know how much you simply adore data.”
“Rarity, what—” Twilight winced. The music had picked up speed, and with it, the mushed-mouthed complaining from the dance floor increased as well. “What kind of data could possibly prove that?” Twilight continued in a slightly louder voice.
“Applejack, pull this chair out for me,” Rarity replied.
“Yes’m,” Applejack hooked a strong hoof around the back of the polished chair and yanked.
“You see?” Rarity said to Twilight. “They simply can’t help it, the dears. They’re here to serve. And in some cases, to serve as a dance floor when ‘getting down’ is the prerogative of their betters.”
Applejack’s cheeks flushed crimson as her brow furrowed. “Now you just wait an applebuckin’ minute, Rarity! I was helpin’ you ’cause we’re friends and equals! Not because of—”
“Applejack, would you kindly head over to those hors d'oeuvres and bring me back a selection?”
Applejack spun on her hoof and trotted for the table. “Right away, Rarity,” she called back over her shoulder. “Just give me two shakes.”
After watching Applejack go, Twilight turned back to Rarity, who gave the alicorn a small shrug.
“You see? You can’t fight nature, Twilight.”
“But you can fight for your life against terrible, horrible infections or blood poisoning!” Fluttershy said in a trembling, fragile voice. “Princess Cadence is seconds away from a case of hovelpox! I just know it!”
Twilight put her hoof onto Fluttershy’s shoulder and pressed her into a chair. “Now, now, Fluttershy, I’m sure they… that they did some kind of medical exam on…” She turned back to the dance floor just in time to see Cadence slip momentarily in a pool of snot that flowed freely from the nostril of one particularly wheezy-looking tramp. Giggling, Cadence quickly transitioned to another hoof while deftly wiping the offending grime onto the hobo’s neighbor.
Rarity and Twilight jumped as Fluttershy fell to the floor in a dead faint.
“This all right? I got all of ’em I could fit on one plate.” Applejack set the hors d'oeuvres down in front of Rarity. “Anyway, like I was sayin’ before, Twilight, we gotta do—”
“Yes!” Twilight lunged for the topic like a drowning mare. “Okay, Applejack! You grab those hobos when I pull Princess Cadence away. Rarity, use these napkins and your patterning skills to make some kind of distraction. We need those nobles to be looking elsewhere. Somepony get a glass of water for Fluttershy. Let’s—”
“Nah, that’s no good,” Applejack said, shaking her head.
Twilight pulled up short, blinking. “What?”
“It just won’t do. We’ve gotta change minds on this one, Twilight. Action without meaning ain’t any kind of foundation for change.” Diving under the table, Applejack pulled out a bulging saddlebag. “I got all we need right here.”
Rarity jumped to her hooves. “You didn’t!”
“I did!” Applejack replied with a smug grin. “Told you I was gonna.”
“Ooh, that Cheerilee!” Rarity’s lips rolled through a moue as she tossed her napkin back onto the table. “We will be having words when I get back to Ponyville, she and I.”
Twilight’s head twisted back and forth to follow the conversation, but it seemed to have taken a turn or two that she missed. “Wait. Cheerilee? What does she have to do with this?”
Rarity sighed. “She talked Applejack into attending a few classes at the community college, and now she’s broken.”
“I ain’t broken! I’m enlightened!” Applejack growled, her jaw jutting forward. “I just never knew how oppressed we proletariat were before!”
“Now all of Ponyville’s fresh produce comes with an unwanted and unwarranted side of propaganda.” Rarity grabbed up Twilight hoof and gave it a squeeze. “Dear, as a member of the ruling elite, sure you see the insanity of all of this!”
Twilight gently pulled away and took a small step back. “Surprisingly, yes. This is all looking a bit crazy.”
“Well, not for long! This farmer’s about to blow the Crystal Empire’s oppressive social system sky high!”
Twilight’s eyes flew wide. “No, Applejack! Violence isn’t—”
“Violence, Shmiolence.” With a practiced flick of the hoof, Applejack knocked back the flap of her saddlebag. The space inside was completely stuffed with printed flyers and leaflets. “I’m about to wake some minds and start a revolution!”
Falling back into her chair, Twilight slapped a hoof over her face.
“Don’t get too comfortable, dear,” Rarity whispered into her ear. “These revolutionaries are almost always raving nutjobs, but every so often they catch the public imagination. Might I suggest a visit to a gulag?”
Twilight stared at Rarity, nonplussed.
“Just a small one? You know, for ‘re-education?’” Rarity flexed the tips of her hooves in the air to emphasize the word. “Equestria must have a few tucked away. I’m sure we could find a nice one if we looked.”
Twilight slowly walked backwards away from the table. “You know, Rarity, now that I think about it, maybe I’ll just solve this one on my own.”
Rarity batted back a leaflet that Applejack waved before her. “I just want my friend back!” she called after Twilight. “And to maintain the proper way of things!”
“Not listening!” Twilight muttered to herself while turned to face Princess Cadence once again. She’d hoped that her sister-in-law would be getting tired by now, but if anything, she looked more invigorated than ever. It was probably a trick of the light, but to Twilight, Cadence almost seemed to be glowing with a soft, inner light of tranquility and rightness.
After taking a steadying breath, Twilight gently pushed her way through the surrounding throngs. “Princess, I really, really need—”
“To join me on this dance floor!” Cadence cried, tossing her head. In her mane, sweat sparkled like diamonds. “This is truly the best!”
“No!” Twilight said before squeezing her eyes closed and sighing. Forcing calm, she continued in what she hoped was a more diplomatic tone. “Princess, the Crystal Empire is your dominion, I get that, but this is just… it’s just wrong!”
“You tell ’er, doll!” a grimy vagrant nearby called out. “We demand to be untied, fed, and given new trashcans to make fires in!”
“Y’all ponies ever hear about the equitable sharin’ of property and wealth?” Heads craned up, scanning the room to find the source of the shouting. “Just imagine us all together, working the fields for hours at a time and then givin’ it all over to the collective! Land sakes, ain’t that better than standin’ around here at your snooty party?”
“Twilight! Just a small visit! A day trip, maybe?”
Gritting her teeth, Twilight marched to the very edge of the dance floor. Standing this close, the bodies of the unwashed masses smelled like sour cottage cheese. “Cadence, you’ve got to stop this!”
“Oh, Twilight, you haven’t even tried it,” Cadence replied. Leaping and twirling to a chorus of groans and complaints, she made her way over to where Twilight stood. “How can you be against something that you’ve never even experienced? That sounds awfully closed-minded, not to mention unscientific.”
Twilight stomped a hoof. “Unscientific? I don’t need to run an experiment to see that this isn’t right! It’s—”
“Are you sure?” Cadence breathed.
“I—what?”
“I dare you. I double diamond dog dare you to take a step onto this floor.”
Twilight fretted, suddenly uncertain. “Uh…”
Cadence held out a hoof. Noting that it seemed somewhat stained with hobo fluids, she set it back down and held out the other. “Come join me.”
Rolling her eyes, Twilight lifted a hoof. “Oh… okay, but just to prove this point. I don’t know what’s gotten into you but this is completely—oh!”
It was silk and cloud and the softest fur. The velvety glide of hobo sent shivering thrills down Twilight’s spine. Somewhere, in the back of her mind, she was aware that her mane and tail stood out at odd angles, but the tactile thrill was too euphoric to care about any of that at the moment.
“You see?” Cadence said, tugging at Twilight’s foreleg.
Twilight took two more steps out onto the dance floor. Each hooffall made her knees weak and her heart pound. “I… I…” Her mind searched for what it was, exactly, but the blood rushing in her ears made it hard to think. What grabbed her was music. Sweet, sweet music that lifted her hooves and brought them down again in time. And with each step, an intoxicating thrill. At the edges of consciousness, gruff voices growled and something malodorous flitted around her nostrils, but it hardly mattered when an alicorn could feel this good.
“Are… Are you okay, Twilight?”
Forcing her rolling eyes to open, Twilight focused in on the voice. Nearby, Celestia stood, her face full of concern.
“I’m… yeah. Yes!” A slow, sloppy grin slid its way across Twilight’s face. “I’ve never been better!”
“Oh, thank goodness I can finally drop that routine.” After giving her mane a loosening shake, Celestia took a running leap onto the dance floor. “Come on, Luna. My prissy student has finally taken the stick out of her ass.”
“Coming, sister!”
“Overthrow the elitist system, y’all! Property is theft! Organize yourselves into—oop!”
Shimmering, purple energy surrounded the earth pony and tossed her head first into a broom closet. The door slammed behind her with a bang. The talking grated on Twilight’s ears. The time for talking was over.
Now was time for dancing.
