South Park: Fool Runnings
“Good Morning, Ms. Cheerilee,” the class chorused.
The teacher smiled at her class. She especially made sure to smile at the four boys in the back of the room. Today was their first day of school in Equestria, and boy, did she have a treat for them!
“Good morning, class. I hope you brought your thinking caps, because today we’re going to learn about physics.”
For a moment the children were silent until one of the human boys raised his hand and asked, “Um, Ms. Cheerilee, what’s a physic?”
“An excellent question, Stan. It is the use of force in energy conversions. In this case, using mechanical work to convert potential energy into kinetic energy.”
“Ah man, freakin weak,” said the fat human child in the back. To Cheerilee’s surprise, he didn’t even try to muffle his voice like most of her other students would.
Raising her hoof, Sweetie Belle cleared her throat. “Ms. Cheerilee, that seems a bit over our heads.”
“Yeah,” agreed Kyle. “Why the heck do we need to know this stuff? I barely know what gravity is.”
“Oh, this is a very important subject. You will need all the knowledge you can get for tomorrow.”
The child in the large orange coat that covered his mouth mumbled something.
“Could you say that again, Kenny?” asked Ms. Cheerilee.
“He said, ‘what happens tomorrow?’” declared Stan.
The teacher smiled. “You all will be participating in . . .” Ms. Cheerilee flipped her chalkboard around. On it was an exploded diagram of a wooden cart. “. . . the Apple One Derby.”
Upon hearing this, the class erupted into cheers.
“Ah, kick ass!” yelled Cartman. The class gasped when they heard the swear word. “Um, I mean, sweet. Super sweet. Please continue, Ms. Cheerilee. You have my undivided attention.”
Ms. Cheerilee glared at the child and made a mental note to remind Cartman about her policy about saying bad words in school. “Now hold onto your horseshoes, everypony. You’ve got a lot of work to do before you’re ready to race.”
Stan raised his hand. “Uh, not actual school work though, right?”
The teacher rolled her eyes. “Each of you will be given a block of wood at Sweet Apple Acres tomorrow. And you’ll have twenty-four hours to turn it into a race ready cart.” And with that, Cheerilee pulled down a blue print on how to turn a huge chunk of wood into a go-cart using old-fashioned tools.
The class let out a collective moan.
“Jeez, dude. This could take weeks. How are we supposed to build a cart out of a tree in a day?” asked Stan.
“Don’t worry, Stan,” said Cartman. “Kyle’s a Jew. He’s good with making things out of wood, especially crosses. Why I bet if we told him Jesus was coming tomorrow, he’d cut down a tree and work all night to turn it into a crucifix.”
“Screw you, fat ass,” shouted Kyle.
Kenny angrily mumbled something.
“Yeah, Cartman, shut the hell up,” said Stan.
Again, the class was stunned at the use of so many swear words.
“Boys!” yelled Cheerilee. “That’s enough! I want all four of you to see me after class.”
Kenny garbled something from underneath his jacket and pointed at himself.
“Yes, you too, Kenny.” After taking a calming breath, the teacher continued from where she left off. “Each of you will get to pick an older pony to help you. But choose wisely, because they will also be riding with you in the cart during the race.”
The foals chattered amongst themselves excitedly at this announcement.
“Just remember, everypony. Your cart must finish the race to win one of these three awards.” Walking behind her desk, the teacher pulled out a case containing three ribbons for fastest, most traditional, and most creative.
Cartman’s eyes grew wide with wonder as he gazed at the prizes. He daydreamed crossing the finish line with the biggest, fastest, most traditional and creative cart imaginable while everyone else looked on in envy as he took all three ribbons. He then imagined taking his juggernaut of a vehicle and destroying all of Equestria with it as the ponies looked on in horror. “Yes! Yes! Yes! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! You’re next, you fu*#ing horse fa#$ots. Who wants to die first?”
“Cartman. Cartman wake up.”
The fat human child stirred in his desk. “What, what happened?”
“You fell asleep during the physics lecture. Come on, the bell just rang, and Ms. Cheerilee wants to talk to us,” said Stan.
The quartet of children gathered around Ms. Cheerilee’s desk. The teacher glared at each of the boys, especially Cartman.
“Did you enjoy your nap, Eric?” she asked.
“Uh, yes, ma’am. But don’t worry. I listened to every word you said about pig tits.”
“You mean physics?” corrected the teacher.
“Why the hell are you asking me? If you don’t know how to pronounce the word, how am I supposed to?” Cartman shot back.
“Damn it, Cartman,” shouted Kyle. “The word is pronounced physics. If you were paying attention, you’d know that.”
“That’s enough!” shouted Cheerilee. “I don’t know how things are done in South Park, but here in Ponyville we do not use swear words in class. If I hear anymore of your foul language, I will notify your parents, and you’ll be on the first train back home. Is that clear?”
Kyle gulped. “Yes, ma’am. It won’t happen again.”
Stan nodded. “We’re sorry, Ms. Cheerilee.”
“Dude, you’re such a pussy,” whispered Cartman.
“What did you say, Eric?” asked the teacher.
“I said I’m sorry. Jeez.”
Kenny for his part reached up to the pony’s desk and put a beautiful apple in the middle of Cheerilee’s planner. Carved into the skin of the fresh fruit were the words “Best, Teacher, Ever.”
The earth pony smiled at the boy. “Why thank you very much, Kenny.”
Kenny blushed and retook his position next to his friends.
The gift had a calming effect on the teacher as she continued to speak. “There is something else I want to talk to you boys about. You four will be on the same team when you go to participate in the Apple One Derby. This means all four of you will be working on the same cart. It’s not fair for any of you to be separated and have to work with ponies you’re not familiar with on this large of a project.”
“Ah, man,” replied Stan, disappointed.
Eric began to rub his hands together in anticipation. “Hmm, with these three extra drones at my command, I can easily complete the b.f.c. The big f--”
“You know we can all hear you, right?” asked Kyle.
At that moment Kenny murmured something from underneath his coat.
The teacher gave the boy a strange look. “Kenny, it would help me to understand you better if you’d just remove your coat. It’s not that cold in here.”
The child looked away shyly.
Cheerilee sighed. “Stan, what did he say?”
“He asked if you were going to help us build the cart.”
The earth pony shook her head. “As much as I would love to help you boys, it wouldn’t be fair to the other students. Therefore, I’ve chosen somepony for you.”
Cartman smiled sweetly. “Ah Ms. Cheerilee, you didn’t have to do that. My friends and I don’t need supervision to build one, sweet, little, wooden, derby cart. All four of us passed the arts and crafts class back in South Park with only minor injuries. In fact, I promise you right here that none of us will do anything unsafe. How’s that?”
The earth pony smiled sweetly at the fat human and said, “Not a chance. I’ve asked Fluttershy to watch over you boys while you build the cart, and she will ride in it with you, too.”
Stan frowned. “Who’s Fluttershy?”
“Follow me.”
The four boys followed their teacher out of the school house, and there waiting for them was a yellow pegasus with a pink mane. The pony was looking up at the sky watching a flock of birds lazily glide by.
“Boys,” said the teacher. “This is Fluttershy.”
The announcement startled the pegasus. After letting out a terrified yelp, the pony dove headfirst into some nearby bushes.
Kyle looked up at Ms. Cheerilee. “What’s her problem?”
“Oh, nothing. She’s always been a bit . . . skittish.”
“Is that it? I thought she had Tourettes,” ventured Cartman.
The teacher glared at the child. “That is not funny, Eric.”
“I know, right? Tourettes is no joke. Thank God she doesn’t have it. I had a dog named Port, and he had Tourettes. He liked to run in the middle of the street before a car took his left legs off. Then we renamed him Starboard because he could only hop in a clockwise circle.” As Cartman spoke, he tried to keep himself from laughing, but the more he talked, the more he laughed. “It’s a true story. Swear to God. Oh Jeez, you should of seen him, guys. I wish I would have taped that.”
Everyone just stared at Eric. “Cartman, in the name of everything that is good and decent, could you act like a normal person for five minutes?” asked Kyle.
Before Eric could reply, the pony that had been cowering in the bushes bolted out of her hiding place. The pegasus galloped right up to the startled boys and closely examined each one of them. With a loving smile on her face, Fluttershy proclaimed, “Awww, Ms. Cheerilee. They’re so cute, especially this little guy.” The pony began to tickle the coated boy underneath the chin. This caused Kenny to sag to the ground in absolute bliss.
“Are these the four humans you want me to watch tomorrow?”
“Naw, these are the three humans and one dirty J-- . . .” Cartman’s sentence was cut short by a sharp elbow to the gut from the Marsh boy. Cheerilee saw the whole thing but decided she didn’t.
“Yes, Fluttershy, these are the ones. Could I talk to you in private for a moment?”
“Of course,” replied the pegasus.
Turning to the humans, the earth pony said, “Just stay right there, boys. This will only be a minute.”
Cartman clutched at his stomach and muttered, “You guys. We need to go to the hospital.”
Stan rolled his eyes, “Oh come on, dude. I didn’t hit ya that hard.”
“No, I’m not hurt. You elbow like a bitch.” Eric winced as he took a step forward, his hands covering his gut. “I got a plan to win the derby tomorrow.”
“What’d you have in mind, fat ass?” asked Kyle.
The boys listened to Cartman’s idea until Kyle declared, “That’s the stupidest f*#king plan I’ve ever heard in my life.”
Stan nodded. “Yeah, someone could get hurt.”
Eric scoffed, “Guys, you’re clearly not thinking about the big picture here. Who the hell else has a prize ribbon from another freaking planet? If we just win one of those prizes tomorrow, we could sell the thing for millions of dollars. Does Dale Earnhardt have a prize ribbon from Equestria? Huh? Does Hulk Hogan? Does Tom Cruise?”
Kenny’s muffled voice answered Cartman’s question.
“Moon rocks don’t count, Kenny,” answered Eric.
“Dude, you want us to steal an oxygen bottle from a hospital,” said Stan. “That’s not cool.”
“Okay, Marsh. What’s your idea for a propulsion system? What’s more creative than sticking an oxygen tank in the ass end of a cart and knocking the nozzle off? What’s faster? What’s more old-timey than using oxygen for Christ’s sake?” asked Cartman. “And besides, we could get this thing from a nursing home. It doesn’t have to be a hospital.”
Kyle stomped the ground. “Oh no, you don’t. You’re not doing this again. You’re not going to drag the three of us into another one of your schemes. We’re going to build the safest cart we can tomorrow. If we win, fine; but if we don’t, so what? As long as no one gets hurt, that’s all that really matters.”
Cartman gaped at his friends. “Are you three for real? Okay, forget the glory, forget the prizes, forget the money. Are we Americans?”
The boys blinked. They were caught off guard by the question. They were silent for a moment before Stan said, “Yeah. But what does . . .”
“Exactly,” Cartman said interrupting Stan. “In this land of godless, commie, hippie ponies, we represent the best school, the best country, and by Jesus, the best species ever created. We deserve to win this race. Are you all really too lame to see that? What would George Washington say right now if he saw us not trying our hardest, pulling out all the stops to bring glory to our nation?” Eric paused to let what he just said sink in. “You guys, we have been chosen to represent the United States of America in this derby. If we don’t win at least one of those prizes, the ponies will think that our country is weak and pathetic. If we come home defeated, then our nation’s shame will be written into Equestrian history books for all time. Are you prepared to bring that kind of dishonor to America, gentlemen?”
Stan, Kyle, and Kenny looked at each other uneasily but did not speak.
When no one answered him, Cartman turned to leave. “You three sicken me.”
Kyle sighed, “Wait.”
Cartman stopped leaving. No one could see his face, but an evil smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. “Yes, Kyle?”
“You could be right about this being a bigger deal than just a race. I mean, we don’t want to come off looking like a bunch of losers, right?”
Stan shook his head, a look of determination on his face. “No. I mean, we need some sort of edge if we even want a prayer at winning. This oxygen tank may not be a bad idea after all, since everyone else is super strong, can fly, or use magic.”
“My thoughts exactly,” said Eric.
At this time Cheerilee and Fluttershy exited the school house.
“Now boys, I want you all to give Fluttershy your undivided attention tomorrow,” commanded the teacher. “She was the first and only volunteer to supervise you in making the derby car. She is a very good friend of mine, and I will be very cross if I get a bad report from her.”
The pegasus blushed at the earth pony’s kind words.
Cheerilee looked up at the sun. “Well, I think I’ve kept you all long enough. Do you boys know where the Apple Farm is?”
Kenny pointed to the road behind him and said something that sounded like he was talking underneath a rock.
The teacher nodded, “Yes Kenny, it’s that way. Good job.”
The boy closed his eyes and smiled up at the teacher.
“Well, boys, I’ll see you in the morning.” And with that, the teacher walked away leaving the human boys with Fluttershy.
“So . . . are you a sub or something?” asked Stan.
The pony smiled at the boy. “Well, I do sometimes substitute for Ms. Cheerilee if she is not feeling well. But my passion is in taking care of all the little fuzzy animals, birdies, and critters.”
Cartman sighed in relief. “Oh, thank God. I was wondering where the heck we were going to take Kyle if he got hurt.”
Before Broflovski could smash his fist into Cartman’s face, a little blue bird flew up to Fluttershy’s ear and began chirping away frantically. The pony’s eyes widened. “Oh my, is it that serious?” The bird nodded. Taking in a panicky breath of air, Fluttershy turned to the humans and said, “I’m sorry boys, but I have to go. This little bird’s mother has hurt her wing. Do you four have a place to stay tonight?”
“Yeah, we’re staying at Princess Twilight’s castle,” declared Kyle.
“Great. Tell her I said ‘Hi.’” Fluttershy said hurriedly. “Tomorrow just head towards Sweet Apple Acres, and Ms. Cheerilee will show you to your project area. I’ll see you boys later.
“Uh, sure,” said Stan. “We’ll see ya in the morning.”
Fluttershy was in the air before Marsh could finish his sentence.
Cartman interlaced his fingers and cracked his knuckles. “Okay guys, here’s the plan. Kenny, you go to the hospital and swipe an O2 tank.”
Kenny McCormick asked a garbled question and pointed at his friends.
“Oh, don’t worry about us,” said Eric. “We’ll be at the tree-castle designing the cart.”
Kenny’s face darkened and gestured angrily at Cartman.
“Damn it, Kenny. Do you know how much brain power it takes to design a derby cart from scratch? This is gonna take us all night. You got the easy job. The ponies won’t notice an orange, two-legged freak stalking the hospital. You got nothing to worry about. And besides, we’ll cover for you. We’ll just tell Twilight you’re at a pony sleep over or something gay like that.”
Before leaving, Kenny flipped Cartman the bird and stomped off towards the Ponyville Hospital.
“I’m going with him,” said Kyle.
“No, Kyle. I can’t let you do it. If we lose Kenny that’s a shame, but if we lose Kenny and you, then all I got is Stan, and Stan can’t do $h&t with wood. We’ll need your crazy Jew wood magic for tomorrow.”
Early the Next Morning
Eric wiped the sweat out of his eyes. “Jesus Christ, this is taking forever.” Using a non-electrical hand drill, the boy bore into the side of the large block of wood. “Wheels are so overrated. Can’t we just glue a pair of skies on or something? We can be like those black guys in Cool Runnings.” Cartman then began to sing.
“Nuff people say they know they can’t believe
Jamaica we have a bobsled team”
From the other side of the block Kyle grunted, “There’s no snow here, dummy. And do you even know what glue is made of?”
Using identical tools, Kyle and Stan drilled the other holes for the cart’s wheels.
“Yeah, bits of horse. What’s your point?” asked Eric. “This freakin place is crawling with ponies. The princesses should at least take the convicts, homeless, and cripples and turn them into paste. I see nothing wrong with this. Everyone wins.”
As Cartman talked, Stan looked up at the rising sun and started. “Ah crap, Cartman actually has a point.”
“See? Even Marsh is agreeing with me. The less ponies the better. White pow--, I mean Human power!”
“No. I mean there’s three of us; five if Kenny and Fluttershy ever get their butts over here. Are all of us supposed to ride on this thing? If we do, we’re going to have to change the design. None of us thought about that. On top of that, we’ve been at this for two hours, and we haven’t even gotten the wheels on yet. We’re screwed.”
“Excuse me, boys!” screamed a pony from above them.
All three of the human children dropped their tools and took cover. Peeking from in-between his fingers, Kyle looked up and saw Fluttershy staring down at them with an embarrassed/concerned look on her face.
“Oh my, I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to shout so loud, but I’ve been trying to get your attention for the last five minutes.”
Kyle sighed in relief and climbed back up to his feet. “Next time just tap our shoulders, okay?”
“Got it.” The pony looked at all three of the humans. “Where’s Kenny?”
Before Kyle could answer her, Cartman said, “He’s bringing us breakfast and an oxygen tank.”
Kyle facepalmed.
“Why is he bringing an oxygen tank?”
“Uh, so he can blow up balloons and talk funny?” Ventured Cartman.
“Oh, you mean he’s bringing a helium tank to help with the decorations,” said the pony happily. “That’s very nice of Pinkie to let him help with the after-race party. Usually she’s very serious when it comes to parties and doesn’t let anypony help.”
“Yeeaaah, that’s what we thought, too,” Stan said slowly.
“How’s the cart coming . . . Oh my.” The pegasus turned her attention to the block. She cringed as she said, “Um, that’s a very good start, boys. Would you like some help?”
“No!” shouted Eric. He climbed up on the block of wood being held up by sawhorses and began shouting. “This is a human derby-cart, made with human hands, and designed by human ingenuity. We will not . . .” At that point the block of wood broke in half under Cartman’s weight.
“God damn it, Cartman,” whispered Kyle.
Fluttershy was the first to his side. “Oh, my gosh. Are you okay, Eric?”
The fat human looked at the broken pieces of wood and said, “You know what? Screw it, we’re done. Our Jew can’t warp wood, Kenny is A.W.O.L, and Stan didn’t freaking catch the big fat crack in the car’s foundation. It’s hopeless. We’re done. Tell the groundhogs to bring me my mail because I will die of this shame.”
Stan rolled his eyes, but he too looked defeated. “Fluttershy, we’re too far out of our league. We didn’t even have a chance before Cartman broke our block of wood.”
Fluttershy smiled at the tired children. “Now don’t get too discouraged. Ms. Cheerilee said that you four might need some help. And we have spare wood blocks just in case. Now tell me what you guys were trying to do.”
Stan shrugged and dug into his jean’s pocket. He pulled out a rough doodle of an enormous cart complete with missile launchers, laser guided machine guns, and hydraulic arms wielding axes.
The pony pressed her lips together. “This is uh, different. I think we can make a smaller version of this without all the pointy, blowy-up stuff. Would you three mind if my friends and I helped?” Fluttershy asked carefully. “Not that you guys weren’t doing a bad job or anything.”
Kyle looked at the pegasus in wonder. “No, we’ll take all the help we can get. But do you really think we can do this?”
“I know we can.” With that, Fluttershy put a hoof to her lips and whistled. Within moments an army of squirrels, beavers, woodchucks, bears, any animal that could shape wood descended upon the boy’s work area.
“Holy crap!” exclaimed Stan.
Cartman’s eyes lit up. “Oh. My. God. You guys, nothing can stop us now.”
South Park: Fool Runnings
Construction of the Derby cart progressed swiftly. The animals’ craftsmanship was crude, but the human children were delighted with what they were witnessing. The cart was big and bold, and yet somehow it looked like it had come out of a history book. All was going well save for one thing. Kenny was still M.I.A. As time ticked by, Stan and Kyle grew worried about the whereabouts of their friend.
Cartman did not share the other’s concern. “Ah, he’s probably okay,” yawned Eric. “He probably found a mud hole to wallow around in or whatever poor people do. He’ll show up.”
Taking his arch nemesis aside, Kyle hissed, “Kenny has the oxygen tank, you idiot. If he got caught with that thing, we’re done. God, I can’t believe we listened to you. What a stupid idea. Not only that, we all need to ride in this cart together and cross the finish line or we’ll all be disqualified. We got to find him.”
Eric rolled his eyes. “Don’t get your vagina in a twist. He’ll be here. His neon orange coat makes him so overt he’s covert. It’s like he has on a super sweet-ass cloak of invisibility all the time.”
“Do you realize how retarded that sounds?” asked Broflosky. Before Cartman could answer him, Kyle pushed ahead. “Come on, you and I are going to look for him. He could be in trouble.”
“Why don’t you suck my balls, Kyle? Fine, I’ll go with you if it will make you quit menstruating. Jesus.”
Kyle looked back at the company of animals chewing and clawing the derby cart out of a gargantuan block of wood. The cart looked more like a double-decker bus than a racer. According to Fluttershy, they all had to ride in it, but they had enough room left over to take half of Ponyville with them. He spotted Stan Marsh talking to the pegasus. The pair were going over the finishing touches and details as the massive cart entered its final phase of fabrication.
Quietly, Kyle walked up behind the two and said, “Hey, Eric and I are going to check on Kenny and give him and Pinkie Pie a hand with the party planning.”
Fluttershy turned and beamed proudly at the human. “Oh, that is so sweet of you two. Go ahead. I believe we are just about done building here. I think we all did a good job, and you boys should be proud.”
Kyle’s cheeks reddened at the pony’s words, and he took a brief look around at the carts of ponies nearby. In some areas, their competitors had just put down their tools and stared at the monstrous cart that was being built. Some had gone so far as to complain to Ms. Cheerilee about how huge the vehicle was.
Stan, too, looked embarrassed. “Thanks, Fluttershy. Without you we wouldn’t have had a snowball’s chance in Tartarus.”
The pony shook her head. “Nonsense, you four would have done fine. It just would have taken a little longer, that’s all.” The pony frowned as a few of the woodchucks came up to her and jabbered in their native tongue. “Excuse me, boys. There seems to be an issue with the all that weight on the axles. It shouldn’t be a big deal.”
As the pony walked off, Stan said to Kyle, “We should be good on at least winning two of the three ribbons. We don’t need to win the race; all we need to do is get this beast across the finish line.”
Broflovski nodded. “Did one of those critters bore a hole for the O2 tank?”
“Yeah, that’s done. Fluttershy was a little curious about that. I told her it was a luggage compartment. Are we still going to go with that retarded idea?”
“I don’t know. Maybe it’s good to have a backup plan.”
“What do you mean?” asked Marsh.
“Just keep an eye on things here while we’re gone. I can’t put my finger on it, but I got a bad feeling about this.”
“About the cart?”
“Yeah,” Kyle paused and shrugged. “Ah, forget about it. It’s probably nothing. See ya later.”
Stan looked at his friend curiously. “Okay. Just hurry back. We don’t have a lot of time.”
After about five minutes of searching, Cartmen became agitated. “God damn it, where is that son of a bitch? Kenny better not have found a cat and cheesed his brains out again. If I find a single drop of cat piss on him, he’s a dead mother fu#$er.”
Kyle rolled his eyes. “We should split up; we’ll cover more ground that way.”
“Good thinking. I’ll check the garbage cans and soup kitchens. You check the rehab clinics and underneath any bridges you can find. He might have burrowed beneath an overpass by now.”
Kyle was about to leave Cartman where he was when a flash of orange caught his eye. “Come on. He’s over here.”
After climbing a gentle incline, Cartman and Broflovski were both surprised at what they found. They found Kenny, but he was sitting down in the grass with three of the fillies from school.
Eric was the first to speak. He got up in McCormick’s face and asked, “Kenny, you black asshole, where have you been? What the hell are you doing with these ponies? They’re the enemy. You better not have given them the tank.”
Kenny’s face contorted in anger. He shoved Eric back and mumbled that Cartman should do something inappropriate with a broom handle.
One of the ponies got in-between the two humans. “Boys, calm down. What’s going on? Why are you fighting?”
Stepping infront of Cartman, Kyle sighed. “It’s a long story. Shouldn’t you three be with Rarity, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash?”
Sweetie Belle, Apple Bloom, and Scootaloo all exchanged a sad look. “It’s a long story,” replied Scootaloo.
“Yeah, whatever, don’t care, sucks to be you. Come on, guys, let’s go. We got some sweet ribbons to win,” declared Cartman. The fat human started back down the hill humming a happy tune.
Kyle frowned at the ponies. “What’s up? Are your blocks of wood messed up too?”
Eric sighed in exasperation. “Who cares? We gotta go,” yelled Cartman.
From beneath his hood Kenny quickly told his friends what was going on with the three little ponies. The longer Kyle listened the angrier he got.
Broflovski balled his fists in outrage. “They’re building the carts their own way without you? What the hell?”
Apple Bloom nodded. “I know, right? We heard stories about this race for years. And now that it’s here, we don’t get to do anything.”
Even Cartman was upset by this revelation. “This is wrong. It’s wrong! I don’t care if you three are useless, snake bit ponies. You should have the right to lose to human superiority in your own inferior vehicle.”
Sweetie Bell blinked. “Uh . . . thanks? But isn’t Fluttershy and her critter friends building your cart for you? Doesn’t that make you mad?”
Kyle shuffled his feet. “We kind of need her help. Cartman broke our last block of wood.”
“Screw you Kyle. That thing would have broke the second we raced with it. It’s better this way. Now if you’ll excuse me, I gotta take a twelve pound poo. I’m about to die.”
As they watched Cartman leave, Scootaloo asked, “What’s his problem? Is he always like that?”
Kenny shook his head and said something under his coat.
Kyle nodded. “Yep, you’re right Kenny. He’s usually a lot worse.”
At that moment Apple Bloom’s stomach growled. The earth pony looked to her friends and asked, “Do you guys want to get something to eat? It’s past breakfast time.”
“I’m in,” declared the pegasus.
“Sure,” sighed Sweetie Belle. “It isn’t like we got anything better to do.” The little unicorn looked over to the two humans. “Would you like to join us?”
The boys looked at each other. “We should probably get back and help Fluttershy and Stan with the paint job,” said Kyle. As Broflovski said that his stomach began to rumble too. “On second thought, sure why not? They can handle it.”
Kenny let out a quiet whoop of glee.
A short time later the quintet of pony and human children had taken seats near a hayburger stand. The ponies and humans filled their stomachs with apples while Kyle answered questions about his experiences in derby cart building.
“So,” Applebloom started to say. “What’s with that cart you guys and Fluttershy are making? Why is it so big?”
“Well, Eric, Stan, and I wanted to have the biggest cart we could make. It was supposed to be filled with flamethrowers, machine guns, and Grenade Launchers . . . but we didn’t get that far.”
Sweetie Belle rolled her eyes and sighed. “Boys and their toys.”
“That sounds awesome! I would have loved to have seen that cart.” declared Scootaloo.
“Thanks. Scoots. So anyway,” continued Kyle, “after Cartman broke our prototype, Fluttershy gets together all these critters to work on our new cart. She also somehow convinced Ms. Cheerilee to let us have this huge block of wood so we can make a cart that all the woodland critters can ride in. Since they’re helping to build the thing, I think it’s fair.”
“So where does the oxygen tank fit in to all of this?” asked Sweetie Belle.
Kyle’s heart stopped beating. He glanced at Kenny for a moment then back at his unicorn class mate. “Oxygen tank . . . I, I don’t know what you mean. Why would we need that?”
“For a propulsion system,” answered Scootaloo happily. “I wouldn’t have thought of that.”
“Because it’s a dumb idea,” declared Apple Bloom. She looked right at Kyle and said, “I mean, if this is something the Cutie Mark Crusaders won’t try, then you know it’s a bad idea. What were you boys thinking? Even if you knock the nozzle off the tank without getting hurt, the race track is not a straight line. How were you going to steer your cart?”
Kyle rubbed at his eyes in frustration. “I know, I know. You’re right. It is a stupid idea. But it sounded good at the time.” The Jewish child glared at Kenny. “Did you have to tell them everything we were going to do? I thought you were on our side.”
McCormick sneered at his friend and pointed out in no uncertain terms who got left to find and take said O2 tank without any help.
Broflovski sighed. “Yeah, I’m sorry Kenny. We never should have gone along with Cartman’s idea. Me or Stan should have went with you. You never got the oxygen tank, did you?”
Kenny shook his head and mumbled several long sentences.
“So you were caught trying to take one of the tanks by some of the grandma ponies. And then what happened?”
Kenny’s cheeks reddened as if someone had slapped them. He noticed that the Cutie Mark Crusaders were listening intently. Before continuing, he motioned for Kyle to lean in closer so he could whisper to him.
A few seconds later, Kyle’s eyes went wide with shock. “Oh, my God!” he yelled. “That’s sick! To get out you had to suck and finger every single one of their . . .” Kyle couldn’t finish the sentence. He then vomited the contents of his stomach onto the table everyone was eating from.
“Eww, gross!” cried Sweetie Belle.
“Sorry,” Kyle wheezed, wiping his mouth.
Kenny continued whispering to his friend, his words becoming more excited.
“But you still got something that could help us win the race? What is it?”
Before Kenny could continue, Stan Marsh ran up to their bench about ready to drop from exhaustion. The boy tried to catch his breath. “Guys . . . I need . . . help. They’re eating . . . the cart.”
Kyle blinked in confusion. “What?”
“Fluttershy’s critters. The bastards are eating the cart! Come on.”
Before running after Stan, Kyle said over his shoulder to the fillies, “Uh, we gotta go. Good luck at the race. Come on, Kenny.”
A minute later the boys found their once magnificent cart in ruins. To the human children, it looked like a tornado of teeth and claws had destroyed the great vehicle.
Kyle and Kenny viewed the devastation with Stan.
“Dude, what the hell happened?” asked Broflovski.
Stan shook his head. “There were too many of them, and they just went crazy after Fluttershy left.”
Kenny mumbled something underneath his coat about why the pegasus had left.
Marsh shook his head in confusion. “I don’t know, Kenny. It was really weird. A few minutes ago Ms. Cheerilee galloped up here and told Fluttershy and I that a fat raccoon was setting fire to some of the other carts.”
Kyle stared at Stan for a moment before asking, “You’ve got to be sh*$ting me?”
“Swear to God,” replied Stan. “So then Fluttershy takes off to catch this thing, and puts me in charge of building the cart.”
“Then what happened?”
“I don’t Fu&$ing speak squirrel, beaver, bear, or otter!” yelled Stan. “That’s what happened. Some of them came up and asked me a question. I tried to imitate Fluttershy and say something in their stupid squeaky language, but I think I said something really offensive, because the next thing I knew, I’m on my back and the cart’s being destroyed. I tried to say I was sorry, but they wouldn’t listen.”
Kenny mumbled another question at Stan.
“Why didn’t I stop them? Are you kidding me? Because I didn’t feel like dying, that’s why. What the hell was I going to do? They probably would have eaten me next!”
Kyle eyed the wreckage of the cart, occasionally picking up a few pieces here and there. Finally he declared, “Guys, a lot of this stuff is still useable. I think if we want to, we still have enough material to build a cart. Not a great cart; in fact, it will be a real ugly, nasty, cobbled-together mess. But at least it’ll be something.”
Stan stared at Kyle. “In other words, we’re back to square one. Dude, do you still want to do this? I think God does not want us to build this thing. The race hasn’t even started yet, and we’ve lost two carts. The third one’s going to kill us all.”
“We’ll put it to a vote,” said Kyle. “All in favor in building a third cart raise your hand.” Both Kenny and Kyle raised their hands.
Stan Marsh sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “I can’t believe we’re still doing this.”
“There’s no law that says you have to help, Stan,” said Kyle.
“What the hell else am I going to do?”
Not more than 10 minutes later, Fluttershy glided into the boys’ work area with an unwilling passenger on her back. With its feet and hands tied and a gag in its mouth, a fat raccoon writhed in anger. The pegasus surveyed the destruction with a shocked look on her face. “Oh my, what happened here?”
Stan sighed. “Well, Fluttershy, about the time you left . . .”
As Marsh relayed what happened between him and the animal cart builders, Kyle and Kenny eyed the imprisoned animal.
After a few moments Kyle whispered to Kenny, “Does that raccoon look like Cartman to you?”
Kenny nodded.
With great effort, Cartman managed to spit out the wadded-up piece of cloth that was stuffed in his mouth. Trying not to draw Fluttershy’s attention, he looked over at Kyle and Kenny and whispered in a deep voice. “Citizens, I need your assistance. The Coon has been captured by evil, gay-ass, fa&#ot horses.”
Kyle nodded and murmured, “Yep, definitely Cartman.”
Eric glared at the Jew. Dropping his disguised voice he whispered, “Screw you, Kyle.”
“Cartman, what are you doing? Why are you dressed like that?”
Returning to his deep, batman-like voice, he replied, “The gay city of Ponyville needed a hero. Not the one it wanted, but the one it needed. I answered the call and donned the uniform of what would strike fear into the hearts of evil. But I failed. The Coon was caught dispensing justice with Molotov cocktails to the ponies who were denying their little sisters the right to build their carts their own way. That crime could not go unanswered. There were three wrongs that were done today. And three wrongs were righted.”
Kyle’s jaw dropped. “That was you? Cartman you dumb son of a bitch. The ponies are going to hang you for this, and we won’t be able to do a thing. What the hell were you thinking?”
“Justice, Kyle. I had justice on my mind. I will go down as a martyr who was not afraid to do the right thing.”
With an angry look on her face, Fluttershy turned to face the disguised Cartman. “Now you be quiet, Mr. Raccoon. You are in big trouble.”
Kenny and Kyle looked at each other, not quite believing what they just heard. “Uh, Fluttershy, do you recognize that Raccoon you caught?” asked Kyle, pointing at Eric.
“No, but I am really peeved at him. I’ve never seen a raccoon misbehave this badly before. Normally they are kind and gentle forest critters . . . and usually not this obese.”
“Hey, I’m not fat. I’m big boned,” replied Eric. Realizing what he had just said he quickly cleared his throat. “I mean, uh, squeak, squeaky, squeakin.”
The pegasus shook her head and sighed. “I’m afraid I’ll have to take Mr. Raccoon to the vet and have him neutered. He is far too aggressive to be left alone with ponies.”
Cartman stopped moving. “What?”
Fluttershy winked at the three other human children. “Yes, I’m afraid you leave me no choice, Mr. Raccoon. We are going to the vet today. The procedure won’t take long. Trust me, this is for the best.”
Eric gulped. “Y—You can’t be serious. I’m not a raccoon. I’m a human.” Eric turned to his friends. “You guys, you gotta get me out of here.”
Ignoring Eric, Fluttershy turned back to Stan Marsh. “I’m sorry about the critters, Stan. I’ll talk things over with them and get this all sorted out. In the mean time, I’ll get you boys some help and have a word with Ms. Cheerilee. I’m sure she’ll give us a little more time if we ask nicely.”
The boys smiled at the pegasus. “Thanks, Fluttershy,” said Stan. He glanced at Cartman. “Well, we better let you go so you can get help for that fat raccoon.”
“You know what? F*#k you guys!” Eric then turned his ire on Fluttershy. “Hey, horse. I’m talking at you. I’m not a damn coon. I’m a human, part of the master race. I’m Eric God Damn Cartman. I demand you hand me over to my people.”
“Oh dear, this raccoon thinks he’s a human. I better get him to the vet quickly for brain surgery,” declared Fluttershy. And with that, the pony was airborne.
“Noooo!” Cartman’s scream of terror faded as he and the pegasus flew away from the apple orchards.
Twenty minutes after Fluttershy and Cartmen had left, the boys stepped back from their latest creation to gaze upon it in all its glory.
“Well, what do you guys think?” asked Stan.
Kenny shook his head in disproval. He said something in his muffled voice about waiting for the help Fluttershy had promised.
“Ah, come on. It’s not that bad,” said Kyle uncertainly. “And we can’t just sit here and wait all day. We need to have something ready. Here take a look. You’ll see that we did a good job.” He opened the driver’s side door and got in and tested the steering wheel. He smiled. “See, Kenny? I think we got it this time.” At that moment all four wheels fell off at once, the doors came off their wooden hinges, and the steering wheel came apart in his hands. Broflovski and the other boys stared in disbelief in what just happened. Growling in frustration, Kyle climbed out of the ruined cart and kicked it. “God damn it!”
Stan put a hand on his friend’s shoulder. “It’s okay, Kyle. We gave it our best shot.”
“I know,” Kyle sighed. “I know. It’d just be nice if we could keep at least one of these things whole for more than a minute.”
“Sounds like you boys could use a hoof.”
The three children turned to see six ponies coming towards them. Kyle gulped when he saw the Cutie Mark Crusaders and their older sisters. He put up his hands defensively. “Before you guys say anything, we had nothing to do with Cartman burning your carts.”
Scootaloo laughed. “Relax, Kyle. We’re not mad at you three.”
Stan blinked. “You’re not? But . . . your carts.”
Rarity sighed. “Yes, as magnificent as they were, there was a critical flaw in all of them that could not be overlooked.”
Kenny mumbled something that sounded an awful lot like, “What was that?”
“We didn’t build them with our sisters,” declared Apple Jack. “That was supposed to be the point of this whole shindig. If you ask me, Cartman did us all a favor. Us older ponies got so wrapped up in the competition, we didn’t think about who this event was really for.” The work horse took off her hat and gave Applebloom an apologetic look.
Rainbow Dash stared at the ground in shame. “Yeah, we kind of dropped the ball big time.” She looked up at the human children and said, “So we want to ask you something.”
“What?” asked Stan. “Do you guys need material? We got plenty. We can’t do any good with it. We can’t build one of these things to save our lives.”
Sweetie Belle giggled. “No, Stan. But thanks anyway. What we want to do is help each other build these carts. We’d be one big team and share the ribbons. Ponies and humans working together, we could build six carts in no time.”
Apple Bloom nodded. “We figure since Cartman gave us this chance to start-over and do things right, we’d help you out too. What do you say?”
Kyle glanced at his two friends. Kenny was nodding vigorously while Stan just shrugged and said, “Sure, I guess.”
Broflovski turned back to the ponies and asked, “Is this okay with Ms. Cheerilee? Us teaming up like this?”
“She says if we can get the carts ready in one hour, we can race,” replied Scootaloo.
Kyle nodded. “Alright then. Let’s get to work.”
50 Minutes Later
The six ponies and three humans stood back and looked at their creations. Between the nine of them, they created six very rough, but functioning, carts.
Rarity looked at the vehicles and cringed. “Don’t get me wrong, darlings, these carts are . . . fabulous.” The unicorn had to force the words from her lips. I just wish we had the time to make them look divine and not so spartan.”
Kenny rubbed his chin for a moment, deep in thought. At that moment a light bulb came on in his head. He reached into his orange coat and pulled out a vial of sparkly red dust.
“Whatcha got there, Kenny?” asked Stan.
Rarities eyes widened. “Oh, my Celestia. Young man, is that a vial of what I think it is?”
Kenny’s cheeks reddened. He then pulled a note from a different pocket of his jacket and handed it to the older unicorn.
“What is it, sis?” asked Sweetie Belle.
The three older ponies read silently. When they were finished all three of them looked at the human child with a mixture of disgust and awe.
Rarity was the first of them to speak. “So you were at the Ponyville Nursing Home last night and you performed . . . services for the old mares? Is that correct?”
Kenny absently shuffled his feet and nodded.
Scootaloo frowned. “So what?”
Kyle cleared his throat. “Have you been taught the birds and the bees in Ms. Cheerilee’s class yet?”
“What do birds and bees have to do with this?”
“Uh, nothing. I was just wondering,” Kyle replied a little too quickly, his face turning about as red as Kenny’s.
Ignoring what the children were saying, Rarity continued, “And after performing said services, the old mare unicorns filled this vial with their combined magic and . . .” Rarity glanced at the children before continuing, “Happy juices?”
Kenny nodded again, blushing even more.
“What the hay is going on?” asked Apple Bloom.
Apple Jack waved off the question. “Hush, Sugar Cube. You’ll learn in Ms. Cheerilee’s anatomy class.”
Rarity continued, “Are you aware that you have enough . . . happy dust for one minor wish?”
Kenny pointed at the carts and mimed dumping the red dust on the vehicles. He then mumbled something.
“What did he say?” asked Rainbow Dash.
“He wants to use the dust to make the carts look divine,” answered Stan.
The older pegasus looked at the vial and then at the carts. “That, is, awesome!” cried the Wonderbolt. “And pretty gross.”
Rarity nodded and looked at the Orange-coated boy. “Well, Mr. McCormick. If you wish to use your dust on the carts, I see no reason why you can’t proceed. Although I think I will be taking a shower after this derby.”
Sweetie Belle frowned. “I don’t understand. How’s that dust going to spiffy up the carts?”
Without further adieu, Kenny walked up to each cart and poured a portion of the crimson substance on each of the vehicles. Nearly instantly the carts were turned into the most beautiful apple one derby carts anyone had seen in years. All of them were more than capable of winning all three ribbons.
As the six children poured over the epic-looking carts, Rarity turned to the two other older ponies. “I suppose we should tell Ms. Cheerilee that we are ready.”
“What the hay do we tell her?” asked Rainbow Dash. “She’s going to want to know how we put together six awesome derby racers in less than an hour.”
Apple jack looked at the three boys and said, “We’ll just tell her that the humans put their mouths and legs to good use and leave it at that.”
