Twilight needs to get laid.by EvilRatChaptersThe letter A big fail with Big Mac A change of perspectiveStress levels are over 9000!Revelations and resolution The letter The letter “Your former student and friend forever, Twilight Sparkle. Ok, Spike, sent it to Princess Celestia.” Twilight said as she completed her dictation of her latest letter on friendship to her former mentor. She felt proud that even after completing her studies, she still sent letters when she learned new lessons on the magic of friendship. Spike on the other hoof, seemed more annoyed that she was than anything. As his annoyance built, he came closer and closer to telling her exactly what he thought. As he reread the current letter, he decided he couldn’t take it anymore. “Twilight, you know I love you like a sister, so don’t get too upset at what I’m about to tell you. You do realize that Celestia doesn’t need to know every time you learn something new? And you realize you’ve learned this same lesson like six times. I swear this letter is word for word the same as the one you sent a year ago.” Twilight blinked, flabbergasted as she stared at her little brother. “Spike, firstly Celestia would never be upset to get a letter from me. And secondly, I know this is a new lesson. I think I’d remember a lesson if I had already learned it.” Spike dug his claws into his temples. He had written almost all of her correspondence and knew for a fact that this lesson was as repetitive as watching Applejack buck trees. His thoughts drifted as he imagined her toned muscles tensed, then released, her powerful legs thrusting out to impact...e took a moment to focus. Spike was sure Twilight let her desire to impress Celestia cloud her judgment. “Twilight, why are you even bothering to send these letters. You’re the princess of friendship. You don’t need to send friendship letters. You haven’t had to for years. I’m sure Celestia doesn’t need to hear about what you’ve learned.” Spike let out an exasperated huff. Would his older sister ever grow up and learn to stand on her own? “Spike, it’s important that she knows I'm still learning and progressing in my studies. Now send the letter.” Twilight had gotten frustrated herself at the resistance her little brother was showing over a simple friendship report. It wasn’t like it hurt him to send them. “Mark my words, one day Celestia will get tired of getting these letters.” Spike said as he projected mail flames over the scroll and sent it on its way. As she presided over her day court, Celestia sighed a bit. It could get so boring listening to the incredibly pedantic reasons ponies had for requesting an audience with her and her sister. At the moment, there was a group of ponies petitioning for an exemption in rules for reporters for newspapers. She had quit listening to specifics after they mentioned her nephew and his escapades. At that moment, a burst of green flame appeared in front of her. She suppressed her relief at the distraction. She stood suddenly and announced, “Court is temporarily recessed for important royal business. We will return as soon as the current situation is dealt with.” She looked over to Luna, seeing her relief mirrored in her sister’s face. “We will adjourn until tomorrow.” She silently prayed to her mother and father that this letter would be important enough to extend that further. As she and her sister rose, some ponies seemed about to object, but the impressive presence of the royal guard quelled them. As the two alicorns entered Celestia’s private chambers, Luna breathed out a deep sigh of relief. “Please tell me Princess Twilight has something important and hopefully vigorous for us. We are far out of practice and some hard fighting against a worthy foe would be most welcome.” She reared up and threw a few forehoof kicks out, almost knocking Celestia’s tea set off the table. “I’m sure she wouldn’t waste Spike’s talents on something small. Maybe we should send for the royal smith to prepare our battle armor.” Celestia unrolled the scroll, and once she skimmed the letter, firmly slammed her head into the table. The force knocked the tea set completely off, which fell to the floor and shattered. Another one? Another bucking friendship letter? She knew Twilight had mother issues aimed at her, but seriously. As Luna looked on concerned, she moaned out in pain “It’s another friendship letter.” “Another one?” Luna asked. She had seen the exasperation her sister has had over the continued letters, mostly with repeats of lessons learned already. On the occasion that a new lesson came up, her sister had been mildly happy about them, but the repeats were killing her. Why did Twilight keep sending them. She was the princess of friendship, she had no reason to send these letters anymore. “I wish I could just send some kind of letter to her to convince her to stop sending these letters.” Celestia’s horn lit up without her conscious guide. “I mean seriously, just a letter telling her she needs to get laid. That would calm her down.” As she spoke, her magic picked up a quill and parchment, beginning to write. “Seriously, that young mare needs it, she is so tightly wound she just have another mental breakdown if she doesn't.” Her magic wrote a short note on the parchment and it burst into green flame, disappearing into smoke and traveling out the window. Luna witnessed this yet said nothing, knowing her sister needed this relief from the letters. She smirked slightly, wondering what the letter said. When Celestia noticed the smirk, she asked “Luna, what’s so funny?” “It seems dear sister, you already have solved your problem.” Luna couldn’t suppress a giggle. “What do you...” She suddenly noticed the smell of ozone in the air with horror. “Did... did I just send a letter without realizing it?” “Yes, and it's most likely for the best. You know we alicorns can go much longer than most mares, but I do remember that you get very cranky if you don’t get some every decade.” Luna said between giggles. “Maybe you should give her some personal attention.” “Luna! That would be highly inappropriate. She sees me more as a mother figure, and I gave up on virgins over six hundred years ago. It might be incredible for them, and they are enthusiastic enough, but they never have enough stamina to make it worth it.” Celestia stated firmly. “Well, the results of your letter should solve your letter problem—and will be comical regardless of the results,” Luna patted her sister with a wing as they left the room. Celestia relaxed slightly, looking off into the distance as she conceded to her sister’s point. “Though I didn’t want it to be this way, I have little doubt you are right. What’s the worst that could happen?” On a chaotic plane, a being perked his ears up. Someone had invoked a chaos even stronger than him. As he continued to unwash his dishes, he chuckled a bit and wondered what chaos would result. Author's Note I challenge all of you to post your most pathetic Twilight pick up lines. I might just use them. A big fail with Big Mac A big fail with Big Mac Twilight sat stunned, rereading the letter. Her mind refused to process the information it contained. It seemed surreal. Her mentor, the pony she idolized, telling her to ‘get laid’? Why? Spike sat across from her, with his arms crossed, his mug grin growing every time Twilight reread Celestia’s letter. He’d had to stop himself from rolling onto the floor in a fit of laughter after Twilight had initially read it. After almost an hour of brain lockup, Twilight stood up, her brows furrowed in determination. “If Celestia says I need to do it, then I shall.” Spike started at the announcement, the silence so suddenly broken. “And I will use the magic of friendship to help me!” “Um, you’re going to do what exactly?” Spike asked, hoping that she meant her last statement literally. “I’m sure some of my friends know what I need to do, I’ll just ask them for advice,” Twilight stated, crushing Spike’s and several readers dreams. “Are you sure, I mean most likely some of your friends would help you directly...” Spike ventured hopefully. “What do you mean by that?” Twilight said, naive to what Spike and several readers were trying to tell her. Spike faceclawed, “Nevermind.” Twilight let out a squeak of excitement, jumping into the air as she shouted, “Oh! I know. Rarity would probably be the most knowledgeable about such a topic. Let's go see her first!” “And what's that supposed to mean?” Spike said angrily. Twilight ignored him, turning to the door. “Let’s go Spike.” As she trotted to the door, Spike hopped on her back, both eager to see Rarity and reluctant to hear her talk about other guys. When they arrived, Rarity was busily sewing, numerous piles of fabric situated atop her work station. Twilight, with Spike riding sidesaddle, approached the elegant seamstress at a trot. It wasn’t until they were halfway into the shop that Rarity finally looked up. “Oh darling, what brings you by today?” “I need your help. Princess Celestia has stated that I need to get laid and I thought you would be the best pony to help me.” Twilight said, moving to stand direction in front of Rarity’s table, her eyes brimming with enthusiasm. “Um... You need to get ‘laid’ and you want me to help?” Rarity questioned, stepping back from Twilight while searching for a quick escape route incase what she thought Twilight meant was true. “Yes, I figured you would know the best way to pick up a stallion so I could get laid.” Rarity froze, blinking. Was her friend calling her a slut? “Excuse me, Twilight, but I’m a lady and I don’t just go out picking up stallions for a quick fling.” “No, no, no, I didn’t mean that. I just meant you might know what to do so I can complete Celestia’s lesson.” Twilight said, oblivious to what Rarity was saying. “Celestia’s seriously put you up to this?” Rarity was confused. She had thought for years that Twilight needed to lighten up, and sex would certainly help her do so, but for the princess herself to order her to do it... That was unthinkable. Although, the more she thought about it... “Yes, I have the letter right here.” Twilight pulled the letter out of her mane and showed it to Rarity. Rarity read the letter. It was short, blunt, and seemed to be written as if the author was extremely aggravated. “Well, I can give you pointers, but I’ve never had quite your current intentions. I usually go looking for something a bit more long term.” Spike perked up, taking out his own quill and parchment. “Please go on.” “Oh, I don’t need a long term relationship. I just need to get laid so I can complete what I’m sure is an important lesson,” Twilight stated, ignoring Spike as he got ready to take notes. Rarity cleared her throat and began speaking. “Well, in my experience it's always a good idea to compliment a stallion. Ask him questions and then let him talk about himself. You can learn more about him and use what you learn to connect with him. And once you connect with him, asking him to spend some private time with you is much easier.” Twilight listened intently, committing her every word to memory. Spike, on the other hoof, was busy writing down her every word, hoping to use it later. When she noticed the dragon writing, she happily took the notes from him. “Thanks, Spike, I can study this before I get started.” Spike deflated a bit when his notes were stolen, but did his best to memorize the information. “Twilight, I know you’re trying to get a stallion, but have you ever considered—” Rarity was cut off as Twilight quickly left the boutique in a determined trot, Spike hopping off her back and turning to her. “So Rarity, would you care to talk for a little while.” Twilight was deep in thought as she trotted. She had to choose wisely. She needed a stallion with intelligence, yet strong enough for an alicorn. She suddenly realized she was trotting toward Sweet Apple Acres, and living there was the most eligible stallion in all of Ponyville. Yes, Big Macintosh was the perfect stallion for the job. He was smart, and most certainly strong, and as far as she knew, unattached. She looked around and quickly located the red stallion. He was busily bucking apples, as per the usual. She did her best to strut over to him, swaying her hips in what she thought was an alluring way. Big Mac kicked the tree behind him, letting the apples fall into the baskets he had carefully placed around it. In the corner of his eye, he saw Twilight walking toward him, looking like she had a sprained ankle. He wondered if she needed help, since she was limping so badly. As Twilight approached, she drew on all her knowledge of what was considered sexy in a mare (which all came from trashy romance novels), and spoke to Mac. “Hi there, would you like to come to my castle so you can open me like a book and spend all night buried in me.” Big Mac just stood there, dumbstruck. Sure, mares hit on him a lot, but no one had ever came out this blatantly and asked for sex. That, coupled with the horrible way she was blinking like she had eyes full of sand, was causing him to want to run away as fast as he could. “Um, could you repeat that?” he asked, hoping he had heard her wrong and this was all just a big misunderstanding. "I like my Stallions how I like my book on Applied Theoretical Magic: Resonance on Ley Lines—Long Hard(cover) and Thick. And I can see you fit on both counts,” Twilight said, batting her eyelashes in what to her mind must be rather seductive. Big Mac backed away, his simple life flashing before his eyes as the crazed mare slunk towards him. “Um, I have to go help Granny with... something.” At that last word, he ran away from whatever creature had taken over Twilight’s mind as quickly as he could. Twilight stared at the dust trail that remained from Big Mac’s departure. She couldn’t tell what she did wrong. She thought about the entire encounter and was sure she did everything they did in her books (again, trashy romance novels). She shook her head in frustration. There was no way it was something she did—Big Mac must just not be in the mood for it. She walked away, thinking about what to do next. She decided since she was here, she could ask Applejack for advice. She walked onward to the farmhouse to try to find her friend. Author's Note Keep those lines coming, and feel free to suggest stallions for her to fail to seduce A change of perspectiveApplejack was finishing her lunch as her brother ran past the house. She quirked an eyebrow, but decided if it was important he would have told her so. She swallowed the last bite and got up, putting her plate in the sink. She heard a knock on the front door, and walked out of the kitchen to answer it. At the door stood Twilight, a disappointed look on her face. “Howdy, Twi. What brings you out to the farm today?” “Hi, Aj, I need your help with something.” “What do ya need?” “I need to get laid.” “What the what now?” Applejack blurted out as she slowly backed away from her friend. “Celestia sent me a letter saying I need to get laid, but when I asked Rarity, she wasn’t able to help much. So, I came here to see if you had any advice to help me get a stallion, so I can finish the lesson.” Applejack breathed a small sigh of relief. Then she thought about what the alicorn said, and was confused again. Why would the princess give her friend a lesson like that? “Um, are you sure that's what the lesson is supposed to be?” “Of course. The letter was very simple.” Twilight pulled out the scroll and showed it to Applejack. As the earth pony read the short letter, she thought about it for a moment, and reluctantly agreed with it. “Well, I guess the best advice I can give you is to be straightforward and honest with a stallion. Tell them right up front what you want and what you expect from them. There's no need to beat around the bush about it.” Applejack told the other mare. Twilight looked perplexed for a moment, then said “That must be why your brother didn’t seem interested.” “Yeah, some stallions don’t like a... wait what?” “I saw your brother on my way here and tried some things I had read in the books covering the subject, but he didn’t respond to them at all.” “Let me get this straight, you tried to get my brother to rut you?” “Yes?” Twilight said, as she backed away from the quickly angering farm pony. “Get out,” Applejack deadpanned. She pushed the alicorn out the door and then slammed it in her face. Twilight looked at the door, confused. After a moment, she turned around and walked back into town. She couldn’t understand why Applejack got upset. Once she arrived back in town, she spotted Doctor Whooves. She had a small crush on the stallion, him being one of the few ponies she could converse with about science and technology. He would understand her situation and could help. She walked over to him and stated plainly “Doctor, I need your help with something.” The tan stallion smiled, wondering what Twilight needed. “Sure, I’m always happy to help.” Twilight perked up. Applejack’s advice was working. “I need your help getting laid for a lesson from Celestia.” Doctor Whooves jaw left an imprint in the ground below him. He stood there stunned for a full minute before he could speak again. “I’m sorry, what was that?” Twilight again stated plainly “I need to get laid and want you to help me.” “That’s what I thought you said.” “So will you help?” “No, I’m already in a relationship. I highly doubt she would appreciate if I did what you're asking,” Doctor Hooves said before he turned to trot away. “Oh, I guess that would be bad. Sorry to bother you then.” Twilight said, her head drooping. As she walked away, a blue blur flew past her and into the ground, leaving a trench. As the dust settled, a rainbow mane came up from the end of the trench. “Ow, that's going to leave a mark.” Twilight perked up a bit at the sight of her pegasus friend. She was sure to have the advice she needed. “Rainbow, I’m glad you're here. I got a letter from Celestis this morning, and I need help getting laid.” Dash paused for a moment, then smirked. “Twi, I’d love to punch your v-card, but I think my awesomeness would blow your mind.” It was Twilight's turn to be confused. Was Dash suggesting what it sounded like she was? “Um, I meant advice on how to pick up a stallion, not suggesting that we...” “Oh, I don’t know anything about stallions. Have you considered you might be better off with a mare?” “I... actually never considered that.” Her parents were very conservative, and her time with Celestia hadn’t hanged that in the slightest. But she couldn’t dismiss the idea without considering it. Maybe she should try both. As she continued pondering the idea, Dash took flight with a wave. How would she even approach another mare about it? She hadn’t ever read anything on the matter. This required research. She hurried to her castle, hoping there would be some books on the matter. When she walked into the castle library, she saw Starlight and Trixie quietly reading. She began to scan her shelves in an attempt to find something, anything about picking up mares. As she became more and more frantic, Starlight looked up from her book and asked, “Everything alright Twilight?” “I can’t find a book on how to pick up mares.” Starlight’s eyes shrank, mouth agape. Trixie look up from her book, an eyebrow raised as she asked, “And why exactly do you need a book like that?” “Celestia told me I need to get laid, and at first I was trying to pick up a stallion. But when I spoke to Dash, she suggested that I try with a mare, but I have no idea how.” Starlight processed this for a moment. Then she started to grin, manifesting a riding crop and a ball gag. Twilight’s eyes went wide. Trixie started to circle around her on the other side, grinning evilly. “I think we can help you with that, Twilight.” She cracked the crop against a table. “Trixie and I have wanted a third for our party nights, and I think you’d be a perfect sub for us.” Twilight squeaked and started shrinking back. Then, her fear of the sadistic look on the unicorns faces overwhelmed her, so she teleported, wanting to be anywhere else at the moment. Once she was gone, the two unicorns fell to the floor laughing. “I... I can’t believe the look on her face.” Trixie exclaimed between bouts of laughter. “Oh goodness, she’s going to be freaked out for days.” Starlight choked out as she hugged her sides, laughing hard. As the two laughed at their prank, Twilight appeared in Sugarcube Corner. Author's Note Here we go, post your best pickup lines and mares and stallions you'd like to see Twilight fail with in the comments. Stress levels are over 9000!The air crackled with magic as Twilight’s teleportation spell finished. She fell flat on her stomach and when the shock of the rather sudden relocation, as well as the traumatic experience with Starlight and Trixie wore off, she finally able to take stock of where she was—Sugarcube Corner. Just as she relaxed, an insanely pink face overtook her vision. Concerned for her friend, Pinkie Pie had jumped over the counter, the violation of Twilight’s personal space be damned. Pinkie thought that Twilight looked like she had seen a ghost, and not just any ghost, but her own ghost. Whatever happened must have scared the fudge out of her. “Twilight, are you okay?” “No, and I’m not sure I’ll ever be okay again.” “What happened?” Pinkie’s eye widened to the size of cumquats with curiosity. “I... I think Starlight and Trixie are into some really strange, kinky things, and they want me to join them.” Pinkie tried her hardest not to burst into laughter. “Really? When they come to my after hours private parties, they always seem pretty normal.” Twilight started, trying to figure out what to question first. “So it was a prank. Great, now I only have one problem.” “Ooh, let me guess! I bet you’re really worked up about a friendship lesson or something?” “Um, actually, yes. How did you know?” Pinkie merely pointed a hoof at herself, before she gave Twilight an exaggerated eye roll. “Right, you’re Pinkie Pie.” “So kind of friendship problem do you need help with? Do you need to apologize to somepony, or maybe you need help throwing a surprise party for a friend?” “No, Pinkie. Princess Celestia said that I need to get laid.” Twilight said before Pinkie could ramble forevermore. “Oh, silly, why didn’t you just say so. I usually have my private parties twice a week. If you need to get laid, that’s the best place for it. I always have snacks and punch and special punch and stallions and mares and toys and we just do whatever we feel like.” Pinkie said excitedly. “Wait, what?” “I usually don’t get involved past making sure everyone has fun and there's plenty of refreshments, but every now and then I join in the more adult part of the party.” Twilight looked confused, what kind of party was she talking about? “Um, what goes on at these parties?” “I’m talking about orgy parties Twilight. Ponies get together and drink and eat and screw and whatever else they feel like.” Twilight stared blankly. She knew what an orgy was, but to find out her friend regularly threw those types of parties on top of everything else that had happened, was more than she could deal with right now. “Pinkie, I’m going to slowly walk outside, then I’m going to start running. I don’t know when I’ll stop.” With those last words, she slowly walked to the door, exited, and then bolted for her life. She didn’t stop until she had reached the residential section of Ponyville. As she slowed, she saw her old friend Lyra’s house. She would be normal, she would understand, she would help. She trotted up the walkway to the door and knocked. Lyra was having an enjoyable chat with her friend Moondancer, who had come to town to visit with old friends. Moondancer had plans to surprise her friend Twilight later and ask her to dinner to catch up. They both heard the knock on the door and Lyra got up to answer it. When she opened the door, she saw a slightly frazzled Twilight standing there. “Oh, hey, Twilight. How are you today?” “Not good. I got a lesson from Princess Celestia and so far no one has been able to help, and I’ve learned some really disturbing things about some of my friends in the process. But I think you’re the one who can finally help me complete it.” “Okay, I have company that would love to see you, so let’s all sit down and see if we can help.” The two walked inside and went to the dining room. Moondancer looked slightly surprised to see Twilight there. “Hello Twilight, I had planned to come see you later. How are you?” Twilight looked at Moondancer, realizing that she would be perfect to ask. They had been friends since that were fillies. She screwed up her courage, and thought of anything she could say. Finally, she decided on something she had seen in one of her novels, and adapted it to fit the situation. “Hey Moondancer, want to go out to eat together, then come to my place and eat out together?” The silence that befell the room was deafening. Lyra was doing everything she could not to burst into a fit of laughter. Moondancer just seemed dumbstruck, however, she was the first to recover. “Um, are you asking what I think you’re asking?” Twilight deflated. She was sure that was the right thing to say. “Shoot, I’m never going to get this lesson done. Why is getting laid so hard?” At this point, Lyra had recovered enough to speak. “Celestia told you to get laid?” “Yes.” At this point, Lyra couldn’t hold back anymore. She fell out of her chair, laughing harder than she ever had before. Moondancer, on the other hoof, blushed hard and seemed lost in thought. Twilight felt so embarrassed, she ran out of the house, so she missed it when Moondancer looked up and said, “I’ve waited so long for you to ask me that.” Then Moondancer realized Twilight was long gone. With a sad look at the door, she said “she'll be back... hopefully.” Twilight’s mind was in full panic mode. Celestia was going to take back her wings and send her back to magic kindergarten. She was going to fail an important lesson and ponies that fail lessons get sent back. Or maybe she’d get sent to the moon. Or exiled. Or worse. She needed help. She needed someone who definitely knew how to get laid. But who did she know that was that experienced? Someone who was an expert on love and lust. Wait. Expert on love. Got laid regularly. So much so she had become a mother. Cadence! She and Shining had been doing it since they were teenagers. She was sure to know how to help. With this revelation, she ran for the train station. When she got there, she almost threw bits at the attendant and screamed “One ticket for the next train to the Crystal Empire!” The shocked attendant fell off his chair from the force of the yell, which bordered near Royal Canterlot Voice levels. He got up and printed the ticket, then handed it to her without a word. The train arrived about two hours later. In that time, Twilight’s panic was increased steadily. Her eyes twitched, and her mane and tail looked like they hadn’t been brushed in a year. Other passengers avoided her, most Ponyville citizens were well aware of the signs of a Twilight freakout. And every one could tell at a glance that this one was in full swing. As she took her seat, she started to calm down a bit. This had to work. Cadence was the alicorn of love. She would help solve this. The train started to chug as it departed Ponyville, on its way to Twilight’s ultimate destiny. Revelations and resolution Revelations and resolution The train slowed as it approached the Crystal Empire station, the change in momentum enough to jar Twilight from her thoughts. She was here, and with the help of her sister-in-law, would finally be able to complete her friendship lesson. She darted up the aisle to the door and waited for it to open. As soon as it did, she took off at a gallop towards the castle. Many of the crystal pony residents gave her awkward looks as she passed. When she arrived, a familiar orange-coated guard was posted there. She considered asking him for help, but quickly dismissed the idea. “The human version is much better looking,” she thought as she ran past him. As she did, he felt rather insulted for reasons he couldn’t comprehend, but it soon passed as he refocused on his duty. Twilight entered the throne room as Cadence performed her royal duties, her throne room occupied with a few straggling petitioners. Her brother was nowhere to be seen, most likely busy with guard business. Cadence waved to Twilight discreetly, so as not to tip off the current petitioner that she had quit listening to him half an hour ago. Since she had taken over the empire, she had learned the hard way exactly why her aunts drank heavily on days entertaining petitioners. Ponies, and triply so for nobles, seemed to think the longer they spoke, the more likely they were to receive approval. And in a way they were right, once a princess stopped listening, they had already decided their answer, so if the pony left all the bad parts till the end, the princess would never know about it. Twilight waited impatiently as two full grueling hours passed before the first pony, who had been there since before Twilight had arrived, finally finished. During that time, she had quietly moved next to Cadence, careful to not cause any disturbance that might interrupt the speaker. She sat quietly, fidgeting slightly, as the pony droned on into what seemed like eternity. She had sat through lectures on advanced magical influence on quantum mechanics that were shorter than this pony’s petition. Spike had called her the princess of lectures, but she didn’t think she could talk for this long on a subject this contrived. Once it was over, Cadence declined the petition, then called a recess until tomorrow. She turned and left the throne room, Twilight close behind her. As the mares entered Cadence’s office, Cadence quickly proceeded to a cabinet next to her desk. An entire day of listening to ponies spend hours drone on forever to say what could be relayed in minutes was incredibly stressful. She need a drink or perhaps five to calm down. She wondered for a moment why Shining was always happy when she had her petition days. She opened it and quickly poured herself a large glass of apple brandy. She drained the whole glass in an instant and then immediately refilled it. She sighed with relief, before she turned to Twilight. “Would you like a drink, Twilight?” Twilight was shocked to see her former foalsitter drink so much so quickly. When had she even started drinking? “No thank you. I don’t drink.” In fact, she had never drank alcohol in her life. “Your loss. So to what do I owe this surprise visit?” Cadance was already slurring slightly. “I need help with the lesson Celestia sent me today, and my friends in Ponyville weren't able to help. But after I gave it some real thought, I realized you were the best pony to come to for advice.” As Cadance levitated the bottle for a third glass, her unsteady magic caused a bit of it to spill onto the floor. “I’ll help anyway I can. What is the lesson?” Rather than try to explain, she simply levitated the letter over to Cadance. Cadance took the letter and did her best to focus on it. She read it and suddenly gulped down the rest of her fourth drink. “Twilight, why did you think I could help with this?” “Well, you’re older, and much more experienced.” “More experienced?” Twilight suddenly noticed the tone Cadance was had used and the look that now stared her down. She quickly started to think of a way to defuse her sister-in-law’s anger, but by then, she was way too late. Cadance started yelling, “So, just because I’m the alicorn of love, I’m some kind of whore. Is that what you think?” Her slurs had become more pronounced at that point. “Oh, that Cadance, she’ll sleep with anyone.” She took a large gulp of her fifth glass. “Really, I expected more from you, Twilight. You know the only pony I ever even dated was your brother. I didn’t even lose my virginity until my wedding night.” She suddenly got much quieter, and then started to cry. “Really, Twilight, why would you think I was like that? Why do so many ponies think I’m a whore?” She broke down in tears. Twilight got up and put her hooves around Cadance. They both sat there for several moments before either spoke. “Cadance, I’m sorry. I never thought you were a whore.” Cadance pushed Twilight away, her tears disappearing, her voice tempered with anger once more. “Oh? Then why do you want advice on how to get laid from me? Get out!” Cadance picked up a miniature version of the Crystal Heart and threw it. It sailed across the room, a good five meters from Twilight, before it smashed into a bookshelf. Twilight ran from the office, and didn’t stop until she had escaped the castle. Shining smiled and whistled as he walked down the hall toward his wife’s office. It was petition day, and his wife was always in an amorous mood after court had ended. As he entered the office, he announced, “Honey, your Knight in Shining Armor has arrived.” It was a credit to his experience as a guard that he ducked in time for the glass to miss him. He looked up to see pure drunken rage in his wife’s eyes. Many thoughts of self-preservation flashed through his mind, but in the end, he knew it was futile. He sucked in a breath and braced himself for a rough night. Twilight was confused and desperate. She needed a friend to talk to, one who wouldn’t judge her. A friend that could help Twilight explain her failure to Celestia in a way where she wouldn’t be punished as badly. There was only one pony who she knew had committed such an offence against the princess and was forgiven for it. Sunset Shimmer. She rushed home, and each time she thought to look back, a strong sense of fear gripped her heart. After the long train ride back to Ponyville, she rushed to her castle, and then quickly made her way into the basement. It was early evening when she arrived. She grabbed the book that that was her link to Sunset and then wrote a quick note to inform Sunset of her arrival and to meet her next to the Wondercolt’s statue. Then she replaced the book in its cradle and activated the mirror. As soon as the portal was open, she took a deep breath, and then strode through it. About five minutes after Twilight emerged, she heard footsteps and then turned to watch Sunset run up to meet her. She panted heavily having ran all the way from her house. She wore a confused expression as she wondered what emergency could possibly make Twilight contact her on such short notice? She saw Twilight next to the statue, who seemed terribly shaken, like she’d just witnessed another Pinkie Pie cupcake eating contest. This had to be something major. “Twilight! What’s the emergency? Is there a threat we don’t know about yet? Is it a threat to Equestria that needs us to come through the portal to help with?” Sunset blurted out as soon as she caught her breath. “No, it’s much worse. I got a friendship lesson from Celestia, but no matter what I tried, I just couldn’t finish it!” Sunset paused to consider the situation. She knew how Twilight was when she felt like she failed at something. She immediately wrapped Twilight in a hug. “What was the lesson? Maybe I can help.” Twilight hesitated a moment. She had gotten some bad responses after she showed most ponies the letter. However, the honest desire to help she saw in Sunset’s eyes told her that maybe this would be different. She slowly handed Sunset the letter. As Sunset read the Celestia-damned letter, her worried smile turned into a mischievous smirk. “Twilight, you know I’d never lie to you, right?” Twilight furrowed her brows as she eyed Sunset, then slowly said, “Yes...” “Twilight, this isn’t a lesson. This is personal advice. You can be high strung sometimes, and Celestia just wants to help you calm down a bit.” Twilight was dumbstruck. Everything she went through, all the embarrassment she suffered, wasn’t for an important lesson on friendship? “Twilight, come with me. I’ll give you all the help you could ever need.” Sunset said as she led Twilight to her house. Three hours later, Sunset laid back on her bed, chewing on the end of a drinking straw. Twilight lay next to her, her breath heavy and body completely limp. “Wow, Twilight, the you from this world reacted the same way when I introduced her to the real magic of friendship.” Sunset said smugly. Twilight tried to react to this unsettling revelation, but in her hyper relaxed state she wasn’t able to do much more than say, “What?” Sunset grinned, an evil plan now in motion. “Now I have a matching pair. I should get both of you over at the same time, then we could have a Ménage à Twi.” She giggled a bit at her pun, and then a lot at the now scarlet Twilight Sparkle. Epilogue: 3 days later As Twilight sat across from Celestia, she carefully sipped her tea. Celestia had been silent for some time, but finally had brought up why she had called her former student to Canterlot. “Twilight, I’ve heard some slightly disturbing reports from some of your friends and your sister-in-law. I wanted to clarify what the letter I sent you meant.” Twilight calmly interrupted her former teacher. “It’s ok. Sunset explained it.” “She did?” “Yes, and I’m feeling much calmer now.” Twilight grinned and set her cup down. “In fact, I’m going back tomorrow night.” Celestia choked on her tea and gave Twilight a questioning look. Twilight smirked and nodded, happy to confirm Celestia’s unspoken question. The End Author's Note The grand finale. I know I said she wasn't going to get any, but a comment by JediWyrm caused me to change that. Comment if you like, good or bad.
The letter The letter “Your former student and friend forever, Twilight Sparkle. Ok, Spike, sent it to Princess Celestia.” Twilight said as she completed her dictation of her latest letter on friendship to her former mentor. She felt proud that even after completing her studies, she still sent letters when she learned new lessons on the magic of friendship. Spike on the other hoof, seemed more annoyed that she was than anything. As his annoyance built, he came closer and closer to telling her exactly what he thought. As he reread the current letter, he decided he couldn’t take it anymore. “Twilight, you know I love you like a sister, so don’t get too upset at what I’m about to tell you. You do realize that Celestia doesn’t need to know every time you learn something new? And you realize you’ve learned this same lesson like six times. I swear this letter is word for word the same as the one you sent a year ago.” Twilight blinked, flabbergasted as she stared at her little brother. “Spike, firstly Celestia would never be upset to get a letter from me. And secondly, I know this is a new lesson. I think I’d remember a lesson if I had already learned it.” Spike dug his claws into his temples. He had written almost all of her correspondence and knew for a fact that this lesson was as repetitive as watching Applejack buck trees. His thoughts drifted as he imagined her toned muscles tensed, then released, her powerful legs thrusting out to impact...e took a moment to focus. Spike was sure Twilight let her desire to impress Celestia cloud her judgment. “Twilight, why are you even bothering to send these letters. You’re the princess of friendship. You don’t need to send friendship letters. You haven’t had to for years. I’m sure Celestia doesn’t need to hear about what you’ve learned.” Spike let out an exasperated huff. Would his older sister ever grow up and learn to stand on her own? “Spike, it’s important that she knows I'm still learning and progressing in my studies. Now send the letter.” Twilight had gotten frustrated herself at the resistance her little brother was showing over a simple friendship report. It wasn’t like it hurt him to send them. “Mark my words, one day Celestia will get tired of getting these letters.” Spike said as he projected mail flames over the scroll and sent it on its way. As she presided over her day court, Celestia sighed a bit. It could get so boring listening to the incredibly pedantic reasons ponies had for requesting an audience with her and her sister. At the moment, there was a group of ponies petitioning for an exemption in rules for reporters for newspapers. She had quit listening to specifics after they mentioned her nephew and his escapades. At that moment, a burst of green flame appeared in front of her. She suppressed her relief at the distraction. She stood suddenly and announced, “Court is temporarily recessed for important royal business. We will return as soon as the current situation is dealt with.” She looked over to Luna, seeing her relief mirrored in her sister’s face. “We will adjourn until tomorrow.” She silently prayed to her mother and father that this letter would be important enough to extend that further. As she and her sister rose, some ponies seemed about to object, but the impressive presence of the royal guard quelled them. As the two alicorns entered Celestia’s private chambers, Luna breathed out a deep sigh of relief. “Please tell me Princess Twilight has something important and hopefully vigorous for us. We are far out of practice and some hard fighting against a worthy foe would be most welcome.” She reared up and threw a few forehoof kicks out, almost knocking Celestia’s tea set off the table. “I’m sure she wouldn’t waste Spike’s talents on something small. Maybe we should send for the royal smith to prepare our battle armor.” Celestia unrolled the scroll, and once she skimmed the letter, firmly slammed her head into the table. The force knocked the tea set completely off, which fell to the floor and shattered. Another one? Another bucking friendship letter? She knew Twilight had mother issues aimed at her, but seriously. As Luna looked on concerned, she moaned out in pain “It’s another friendship letter.” “Another one?” Luna asked. She had seen the exasperation her sister has had over the continued letters, mostly with repeats of lessons learned already. On the occasion that a new lesson came up, her sister had been mildly happy about them, but the repeats were killing her. Why did Twilight keep sending them. She was the princess of friendship, she had no reason to send these letters anymore. “I wish I could just send some kind of letter to her to convince her to stop sending these letters.” Celestia’s horn lit up without her conscious guide. “I mean seriously, just a letter telling her she needs to get laid. That would calm her down.” As she spoke, her magic picked up a quill and parchment, beginning to write. “Seriously, that young mare needs it, she is so tightly wound she just have another mental breakdown if she doesn't.” Her magic wrote a short note on the parchment and it burst into green flame, disappearing into smoke and traveling out the window. Luna witnessed this yet said nothing, knowing her sister needed this relief from the letters. She smirked slightly, wondering what the letter said. When Celestia noticed the smirk, she asked “Luna, what’s so funny?” “It seems dear sister, you already have solved your problem.” Luna couldn’t suppress a giggle. “What do you...” She suddenly noticed the smell of ozone in the air with horror. “Did... did I just send a letter without realizing it?” “Yes, and it's most likely for the best. You know we alicorns can go much longer than most mares, but I do remember that you get very cranky if you don’t get some every decade.” Luna said between giggles. “Maybe you should give her some personal attention.” “Luna! That would be highly inappropriate. She sees me more as a mother figure, and I gave up on virgins over six hundred years ago. It might be incredible for them, and they are enthusiastic enough, but they never have enough stamina to make it worth it.” Celestia stated firmly. “Well, the results of your letter should solve your letter problem—and will be comical regardless of the results,” Luna patted her sister with a wing as they left the room. Celestia relaxed slightly, looking off into the distance as she conceded to her sister’s point. “Though I didn’t want it to be this way, I have little doubt you are right. What’s the worst that could happen?” On a chaotic plane, a being perked his ears up. Someone had invoked a chaos even stronger than him. As he continued to unwash his dishes, he chuckled a bit and wondered what chaos would result. Author's Note I challenge all of you to post your most pathetic Twilight pick up lines. I might just use them.
A big fail with Big Mac A big fail with Big Mac Twilight sat stunned, rereading the letter. Her mind refused to process the information it contained. It seemed surreal. Her mentor, the pony she idolized, telling her to ‘get laid’? Why? Spike sat across from her, with his arms crossed, his mug grin growing every time Twilight reread Celestia’s letter. He’d had to stop himself from rolling onto the floor in a fit of laughter after Twilight had initially read it. After almost an hour of brain lockup, Twilight stood up, her brows furrowed in determination. “If Celestia says I need to do it, then I shall.” Spike started at the announcement, the silence so suddenly broken. “And I will use the magic of friendship to help me!” “Um, you’re going to do what exactly?” Spike asked, hoping that she meant her last statement literally. “I’m sure some of my friends know what I need to do, I’ll just ask them for advice,” Twilight stated, crushing Spike’s and several readers dreams. “Are you sure, I mean most likely some of your friends would help you directly...” Spike ventured hopefully. “What do you mean by that?” Twilight said, naive to what Spike and several readers were trying to tell her. Spike faceclawed, “Nevermind.” Twilight let out a squeak of excitement, jumping into the air as she shouted, “Oh! I know. Rarity would probably be the most knowledgeable about such a topic. Let's go see her first!” “And what's that supposed to mean?” Spike said angrily. Twilight ignored him, turning to the door. “Let’s go Spike.” As she trotted to the door, Spike hopped on her back, both eager to see Rarity and reluctant to hear her talk about other guys. When they arrived, Rarity was busily sewing, numerous piles of fabric situated atop her work station. Twilight, with Spike riding sidesaddle, approached the elegant seamstress at a trot. It wasn’t until they were halfway into the shop that Rarity finally looked up. “Oh darling, what brings you by today?” “I need your help. Princess Celestia has stated that I need to get laid and I thought you would be the best pony to help me.” Twilight said, moving to stand direction in front of Rarity’s table, her eyes brimming with enthusiasm. “Um... You need to get ‘laid’ and you want me to help?” Rarity questioned, stepping back from Twilight while searching for a quick escape route incase what she thought Twilight meant was true. “Yes, I figured you would know the best way to pick up a stallion so I could get laid.” Rarity froze, blinking. Was her friend calling her a slut? “Excuse me, Twilight, but I’m a lady and I don’t just go out picking up stallions for a quick fling.” “No, no, no, I didn’t mean that. I just meant you might know what to do so I can complete Celestia’s lesson.” Twilight said, oblivious to what Rarity was saying. “Celestia’s seriously put you up to this?” Rarity was confused. She had thought for years that Twilight needed to lighten up, and sex would certainly help her do so, but for the princess herself to order her to do it... That was unthinkable. Although, the more she thought about it... “Yes, I have the letter right here.” Twilight pulled the letter out of her mane and showed it to Rarity. Rarity read the letter. It was short, blunt, and seemed to be written as if the author was extremely aggravated. “Well, I can give you pointers, but I’ve never had quite your current intentions. I usually go looking for something a bit more long term.” Spike perked up, taking out his own quill and parchment. “Please go on.” “Oh, I don’t need a long term relationship. I just need to get laid so I can complete what I’m sure is an important lesson,” Twilight stated, ignoring Spike as he got ready to take notes. Rarity cleared her throat and began speaking. “Well, in my experience it's always a good idea to compliment a stallion. Ask him questions and then let him talk about himself. You can learn more about him and use what you learn to connect with him. And once you connect with him, asking him to spend some private time with you is much easier.” Twilight listened intently, committing her every word to memory. Spike, on the other hoof, was busy writing down her every word, hoping to use it later. When she noticed the dragon writing, she happily took the notes from him. “Thanks, Spike, I can study this before I get started.” Spike deflated a bit when his notes were stolen, but did his best to memorize the information. “Twilight, I know you’re trying to get a stallion, but have you ever considered—” Rarity was cut off as Twilight quickly left the boutique in a determined trot, Spike hopping off her back and turning to her. “So Rarity, would you care to talk for a little while.” Twilight was deep in thought as she trotted. She had to choose wisely. She needed a stallion with intelligence, yet strong enough for an alicorn. She suddenly realized she was trotting toward Sweet Apple Acres, and living there was the most eligible stallion in all of Ponyville. Yes, Big Macintosh was the perfect stallion for the job. He was smart, and most certainly strong, and as far as she knew, unattached. She looked around and quickly located the red stallion. He was busily bucking apples, as per the usual. She did her best to strut over to him, swaying her hips in what she thought was an alluring way. Big Mac kicked the tree behind him, letting the apples fall into the baskets he had carefully placed around it. In the corner of his eye, he saw Twilight walking toward him, looking like she had a sprained ankle. He wondered if she needed help, since she was limping so badly. As Twilight approached, she drew on all her knowledge of what was considered sexy in a mare (which all came from trashy romance novels), and spoke to Mac. “Hi there, would you like to come to my castle so you can open me like a book and spend all night buried in me.” Big Mac just stood there, dumbstruck. Sure, mares hit on him a lot, but no one had ever came out this blatantly and asked for sex. That, coupled with the horrible way she was blinking like she had eyes full of sand, was causing him to want to run away as fast as he could. “Um, could you repeat that?” he asked, hoping he had heard her wrong and this was all just a big misunderstanding. "I like my Stallions how I like my book on Applied Theoretical Magic: Resonance on Ley Lines—Long Hard(cover) and Thick. And I can see you fit on both counts,” Twilight said, batting her eyelashes in what to her mind must be rather seductive. Big Mac backed away, his simple life flashing before his eyes as the crazed mare slunk towards him. “Um, I have to go help Granny with... something.” At that last word, he ran away from whatever creature had taken over Twilight’s mind as quickly as he could. Twilight stared at the dust trail that remained from Big Mac’s departure. She couldn’t tell what she did wrong. She thought about the entire encounter and was sure she did everything they did in her books (again, trashy romance novels). She shook her head in frustration. There was no way it was something she did—Big Mac must just not be in the mood for it. She walked away, thinking about what to do next. She decided since she was here, she could ask Applejack for advice. She walked onward to the farmhouse to try to find her friend. Author's Note Keep those lines coming, and feel free to suggest stallions for her to fail to seduce
A change of perspectiveApplejack was finishing her lunch as her brother ran past the house. She quirked an eyebrow, but decided if it was important he would have told her so. She swallowed the last bite and got up, putting her plate in the sink. She heard a knock on the front door, and walked out of the kitchen to answer it. At the door stood Twilight, a disappointed look on her face. “Howdy, Twi. What brings you out to the farm today?” “Hi, Aj, I need your help with something.” “What do ya need?” “I need to get laid.” “What the what now?” Applejack blurted out as she slowly backed away from her friend. “Celestia sent me a letter saying I need to get laid, but when I asked Rarity, she wasn’t able to help much. So, I came here to see if you had any advice to help me get a stallion, so I can finish the lesson.” Applejack breathed a small sigh of relief. Then she thought about what the alicorn said, and was confused again. Why would the princess give her friend a lesson like that? “Um, are you sure that's what the lesson is supposed to be?” “Of course. The letter was very simple.” Twilight pulled out the scroll and showed it to Applejack. As the earth pony read the short letter, she thought about it for a moment, and reluctantly agreed with it. “Well, I guess the best advice I can give you is to be straightforward and honest with a stallion. Tell them right up front what you want and what you expect from them. There's no need to beat around the bush about it.” Applejack told the other mare. Twilight looked perplexed for a moment, then said “That must be why your brother didn’t seem interested.” “Yeah, some stallions don’t like a... wait what?” “I saw your brother on my way here and tried some things I had read in the books covering the subject, but he didn’t respond to them at all.” “Let me get this straight, you tried to get my brother to rut you?” “Yes?” Twilight said, as she backed away from the quickly angering farm pony. “Get out,” Applejack deadpanned. She pushed the alicorn out the door and then slammed it in her face. Twilight looked at the door, confused. After a moment, she turned around and walked back into town. She couldn’t understand why Applejack got upset. Once she arrived back in town, she spotted Doctor Whooves. She had a small crush on the stallion, him being one of the few ponies she could converse with about science and technology. He would understand her situation and could help. She walked over to him and stated plainly “Doctor, I need your help with something.” The tan stallion smiled, wondering what Twilight needed. “Sure, I’m always happy to help.” Twilight perked up. Applejack’s advice was working. “I need your help getting laid for a lesson from Celestia.” Doctor Whooves jaw left an imprint in the ground below him. He stood there stunned for a full minute before he could speak again. “I’m sorry, what was that?” Twilight again stated plainly “I need to get laid and want you to help me.” “That’s what I thought you said.” “So will you help?” “No, I’m already in a relationship. I highly doubt she would appreciate if I did what you're asking,” Doctor Hooves said before he turned to trot away. “Oh, I guess that would be bad. Sorry to bother you then.” Twilight said, her head drooping. As she walked away, a blue blur flew past her and into the ground, leaving a trench. As the dust settled, a rainbow mane came up from the end of the trench. “Ow, that's going to leave a mark.” Twilight perked up a bit at the sight of her pegasus friend. She was sure to have the advice she needed. “Rainbow, I’m glad you're here. I got a letter from Celestis this morning, and I need help getting laid.” Dash paused for a moment, then smirked. “Twi, I’d love to punch your v-card, but I think my awesomeness would blow your mind.” It was Twilight's turn to be confused. Was Dash suggesting what it sounded like she was? “Um, I meant advice on how to pick up a stallion, not suggesting that we...” “Oh, I don’t know anything about stallions. Have you considered you might be better off with a mare?” “I... actually never considered that.” Her parents were very conservative, and her time with Celestia hadn’t hanged that in the slightest. But she couldn’t dismiss the idea without considering it. Maybe she should try both. As she continued pondering the idea, Dash took flight with a wave. How would she even approach another mare about it? She hadn’t ever read anything on the matter. This required research. She hurried to her castle, hoping there would be some books on the matter. When she walked into the castle library, she saw Starlight and Trixie quietly reading. She began to scan her shelves in an attempt to find something, anything about picking up mares. As she became more and more frantic, Starlight looked up from her book and asked, “Everything alright Twilight?” “I can’t find a book on how to pick up mares.” Starlight’s eyes shrank, mouth agape. Trixie look up from her book, an eyebrow raised as she asked, “And why exactly do you need a book like that?” “Celestia told me I need to get laid, and at first I was trying to pick up a stallion. But when I spoke to Dash, she suggested that I try with a mare, but I have no idea how.” Starlight processed this for a moment. Then she started to grin, manifesting a riding crop and a ball gag. Twilight’s eyes went wide. Trixie started to circle around her on the other side, grinning evilly. “I think we can help you with that, Twilight.” She cracked the crop against a table. “Trixie and I have wanted a third for our party nights, and I think you’d be a perfect sub for us.” Twilight squeaked and started shrinking back. Then, her fear of the sadistic look on the unicorns faces overwhelmed her, so she teleported, wanting to be anywhere else at the moment. Once she was gone, the two unicorns fell to the floor laughing. “I... I can’t believe the look on her face.” Trixie exclaimed between bouts of laughter. “Oh goodness, she’s going to be freaked out for days.” Starlight choked out as she hugged her sides, laughing hard. As the two laughed at their prank, Twilight appeared in Sugarcube Corner. Author's Note Here we go, post your best pickup lines and mares and stallions you'd like to see Twilight fail with in the comments.
Stress levels are over 9000!The air crackled with magic as Twilight’s teleportation spell finished. She fell flat on her stomach and when the shock of the rather sudden relocation, as well as the traumatic experience with Starlight and Trixie wore off, she finally able to take stock of where she was—Sugarcube Corner. Just as she relaxed, an insanely pink face overtook her vision. Concerned for her friend, Pinkie Pie had jumped over the counter, the violation of Twilight’s personal space be damned. Pinkie thought that Twilight looked like she had seen a ghost, and not just any ghost, but her own ghost. Whatever happened must have scared the fudge out of her. “Twilight, are you okay?” “No, and I’m not sure I’ll ever be okay again.” “What happened?” Pinkie’s eye widened to the size of cumquats with curiosity. “I... I think Starlight and Trixie are into some really strange, kinky things, and they want me to join them.” Pinkie tried her hardest not to burst into laughter. “Really? When they come to my after hours private parties, they always seem pretty normal.” Twilight started, trying to figure out what to question first. “So it was a prank. Great, now I only have one problem.” “Ooh, let me guess! I bet you’re really worked up about a friendship lesson or something?” “Um, actually, yes. How did you know?” Pinkie merely pointed a hoof at herself, before she gave Twilight an exaggerated eye roll. “Right, you’re Pinkie Pie.” “So kind of friendship problem do you need help with? Do you need to apologize to somepony, or maybe you need help throwing a surprise party for a friend?” “No, Pinkie. Princess Celestia said that I need to get laid.” Twilight said before Pinkie could ramble forevermore. “Oh, silly, why didn’t you just say so. I usually have my private parties twice a week. If you need to get laid, that’s the best place for it. I always have snacks and punch and special punch and stallions and mares and toys and we just do whatever we feel like.” Pinkie said excitedly. “Wait, what?” “I usually don’t get involved past making sure everyone has fun and there's plenty of refreshments, but every now and then I join in the more adult part of the party.” Twilight looked confused, what kind of party was she talking about? “Um, what goes on at these parties?” “I’m talking about orgy parties Twilight. Ponies get together and drink and eat and screw and whatever else they feel like.” Twilight stared blankly. She knew what an orgy was, but to find out her friend regularly threw those types of parties on top of everything else that had happened, was more than she could deal with right now. “Pinkie, I’m going to slowly walk outside, then I’m going to start running. I don’t know when I’ll stop.” With those last words, she slowly walked to the door, exited, and then bolted for her life. She didn’t stop until she had reached the residential section of Ponyville. As she slowed, she saw her old friend Lyra’s house. She would be normal, she would understand, she would help. She trotted up the walkway to the door and knocked. Lyra was having an enjoyable chat with her friend Moondancer, who had come to town to visit with old friends. Moondancer had plans to surprise her friend Twilight later and ask her to dinner to catch up. They both heard the knock on the door and Lyra got up to answer it. When she opened the door, she saw a slightly frazzled Twilight standing there. “Oh, hey, Twilight. How are you today?” “Not good. I got a lesson from Princess Celestia and so far no one has been able to help, and I’ve learned some really disturbing things about some of my friends in the process. But I think you’re the one who can finally help me complete it.” “Okay, I have company that would love to see you, so let’s all sit down and see if we can help.” The two walked inside and went to the dining room. Moondancer looked slightly surprised to see Twilight there. “Hello Twilight, I had planned to come see you later. How are you?” Twilight looked at Moondancer, realizing that she would be perfect to ask. They had been friends since that were fillies. She screwed up her courage, and thought of anything she could say. Finally, she decided on something she had seen in one of her novels, and adapted it to fit the situation. “Hey Moondancer, want to go out to eat together, then come to my place and eat out together?” The silence that befell the room was deafening. Lyra was doing everything she could not to burst into a fit of laughter. Moondancer just seemed dumbstruck, however, she was the first to recover. “Um, are you asking what I think you’re asking?” Twilight deflated. She was sure that was the right thing to say. “Shoot, I’m never going to get this lesson done. Why is getting laid so hard?” At this point, Lyra had recovered enough to speak. “Celestia told you to get laid?” “Yes.” At this point, Lyra couldn’t hold back anymore. She fell out of her chair, laughing harder than she ever had before. Moondancer, on the other hoof, blushed hard and seemed lost in thought. Twilight felt so embarrassed, she ran out of the house, so she missed it when Moondancer looked up and said, “I’ve waited so long for you to ask me that.” Then Moondancer realized Twilight was long gone. With a sad look at the door, she said “she'll be back... hopefully.” Twilight’s mind was in full panic mode. Celestia was going to take back her wings and send her back to magic kindergarten. She was going to fail an important lesson and ponies that fail lessons get sent back. Or maybe she’d get sent to the moon. Or exiled. Or worse. She needed help. She needed someone who definitely knew how to get laid. But who did she know that was that experienced? Someone who was an expert on love and lust. Wait. Expert on love. Got laid regularly. So much so she had become a mother. Cadence! She and Shining had been doing it since they were teenagers. She was sure to know how to help. With this revelation, she ran for the train station. When she got there, she almost threw bits at the attendant and screamed “One ticket for the next train to the Crystal Empire!” The shocked attendant fell off his chair from the force of the yell, which bordered near Royal Canterlot Voice levels. He got up and printed the ticket, then handed it to her without a word. The train arrived about two hours later. In that time, Twilight’s panic was increased steadily. Her eyes twitched, and her mane and tail looked like they hadn’t been brushed in a year. Other passengers avoided her, most Ponyville citizens were well aware of the signs of a Twilight freakout. And every one could tell at a glance that this one was in full swing. As she took her seat, she started to calm down a bit. This had to work. Cadence was the alicorn of love. She would help solve this. The train started to chug as it departed Ponyville, on its way to Twilight’s ultimate destiny.
Revelations and resolution Revelations and resolution The train slowed as it approached the Crystal Empire station, the change in momentum enough to jar Twilight from her thoughts. She was here, and with the help of her sister-in-law, would finally be able to complete her friendship lesson. She darted up the aisle to the door and waited for it to open. As soon as it did, she took off at a gallop towards the castle. Many of the crystal pony residents gave her awkward looks as she passed. When she arrived, a familiar orange-coated guard was posted there. She considered asking him for help, but quickly dismissed the idea. “The human version is much better looking,” she thought as she ran past him. As she did, he felt rather insulted for reasons he couldn’t comprehend, but it soon passed as he refocused on his duty. Twilight entered the throne room as Cadence performed her royal duties, her throne room occupied with a few straggling petitioners. Her brother was nowhere to be seen, most likely busy with guard business. Cadence waved to Twilight discreetly, so as not to tip off the current petitioner that she had quit listening to him half an hour ago. Since she had taken over the empire, she had learned the hard way exactly why her aunts drank heavily on days entertaining petitioners. Ponies, and triply so for nobles, seemed to think the longer they spoke, the more likely they were to receive approval. And in a way they were right, once a princess stopped listening, they had already decided their answer, so if the pony left all the bad parts till the end, the princess would never know about it. Twilight waited impatiently as two full grueling hours passed before the first pony, who had been there since before Twilight had arrived, finally finished. During that time, she had quietly moved next to Cadence, careful to not cause any disturbance that might interrupt the speaker. She sat quietly, fidgeting slightly, as the pony droned on into what seemed like eternity. She had sat through lectures on advanced magical influence on quantum mechanics that were shorter than this pony’s petition. Spike had called her the princess of lectures, but she didn’t think she could talk for this long on a subject this contrived. Once it was over, Cadence declined the petition, then called a recess until tomorrow. She turned and left the throne room, Twilight close behind her. As the mares entered Cadence’s office, Cadence quickly proceeded to a cabinet next to her desk. An entire day of listening to ponies spend hours drone on forever to say what could be relayed in minutes was incredibly stressful. She need a drink or perhaps five to calm down. She wondered for a moment why Shining was always happy when she had her petition days. She opened it and quickly poured herself a large glass of apple brandy. She drained the whole glass in an instant and then immediately refilled it. She sighed with relief, before she turned to Twilight. “Would you like a drink, Twilight?” Twilight was shocked to see her former foalsitter drink so much so quickly. When had she even started drinking? “No thank you. I don’t drink.” In fact, she had never drank alcohol in her life. “Your loss. So to what do I owe this surprise visit?” Cadance was already slurring slightly. “I need help with the lesson Celestia sent me today, and my friends in Ponyville weren't able to help. But after I gave it some real thought, I realized you were the best pony to come to for advice.” As Cadance levitated the bottle for a third glass, her unsteady magic caused a bit of it to spill onto the floor. “I’ll help anyway I can. What is the lesson?” Rather than try to explain, she simply levitated the letter over to Cadance. Cadance took the letter and did her best to focus on it. She read it and suddenly gulped down the rest of her fourth drink. “Twilight, why did you think I could help with this?” “Well, you’re older, and much more experienced.” “More experienced?” Twilight suddenly noticed the tone Cadance was had used and the look that now stared her down. She quickly started to think of a way to defuse her sister-in-law’s anger, but by then, she was way too late. Cadance started yelling, “So, just because I’m the alicorn of love, I’m some kind of whore. Is that what you think?” Her slurs had become more pronounced at that point. “Oh, that Cadance, she’ll sleep with anyone.” She took a large gulp of her fifth glass. “Really, I expected more from you, Twilight. You know the only pony I ever even dated was your brother. I didn’t even lose my virginity until my wedding night.” She suddenly got much quieter, and then started to cry. “Really, Twilight, why would you think I was like that? Why do so many ponies think I’m a whore?” She broke down in tears. Twilight got up and put her hooves around Cadance. They both sat there for several moments before either spoke. “Cadance, I’m sorry. I never thought you were a whore.” Cadance pushed Twilight away, her tears disappearing, her voice tempered with anger once more. “Oh? Then why do you want advice on how to get laid from me? Get out!” Cadance picked up a miniature version of the Crystal Heart and threw it. It sailed across the room, a good five meters from Twilight, before it smashed into a bookshelf. Twilight ran from the office, and didn’t stop until she had escaped the castle. Shining smiled and whistled as he walked down the hall toward his wife’s office. It was petition day, and his wife was always in an amorous mood after court had ended. As he entered the office, he announced, “Honey, your Knight in Shining Armor has arrived.” It was a credit to his experience as a guard that he ducked in time for the glass to miss him. He looked up to see pure drunken rage in his wife’s eyes. Many thoughts of self-preservation flashed through his mind, but in the end, he knew it was futile. He sucked in a breath and braced himself for a rough night. Twilight was confused and desperate. She needed a friend to talk to, one who wouldn’t judge her. A friend that could help Twilight explain her failure to Celestia in a way where she wouldn’t be punished as badly. There was only one pony who she knew had committed such an offence against the princess and was forgiven for it. Sunset Shimmer. She rushed home, and each time she thought to look back, a strong sense of fear gripped her heart. After the long train ride back to Ponyville, she rushed to her castle, and then quickly made her way into the basement. It was early evening when she arrived. She grabbed the book that that was her link to Sunset and then wrote a quick note to inform Sunset of her arrival and to meet her next to the Wondercolt’s statue. Then she replaced the book in its cradle and activated the mirror. As soon as the portal was open, she took a deep breath, and then strode through it. About five minutes after Twilight emerged, she heard footsteps and then turned to watch Sunset run up to meet her. She panted heavily having ran all the way from her house. She wore a confused expression as she wondered what emergency could possibly make Twilight contact her on such short notice? She saw Twilight next to the statue, who seemed terribly shaken, like she’d just witnessed another Pinkie Pie cupcake eating contest. This had to be something major. “Twilight! What’s the emergency? Is there a threat we don’t know about yet? Is it a threat to Equestria that needs us to come through the portal to help with?” Sunset blurted out as soon as she caught her breath. “No, it’s much worse. I got a friendship lesson from Celestia, but no matter what I tried, I just couldn’t finish it!” Sunset paused to consider the situation. She knew how Twilight was when she felt like she failed at something. She immediately wrapped Twilight in a hug. “What was the lesson? Maybe I can help.” Twilight hesitated a moment. She had gotten some bad responses after she showed most ponies the letter. However, the honest desire to help she saw in Sunset’s eyes told her that maybe this would be different. She slowly handed Sunset the letter. As Sunset read the Celestia-damned letter, her worried smile turned into a mischievous smirk. “Twilight, you know I’d never lie to you, right?” Twilight furrowed her brows as she eyed Sunset, then slowly said, “Yes...” “Twilight, this isn’t a lesson. This is personal advice. You can be high strung sometimes, and Celestia just wants to help you calm down a bit.” Twilight was dumbstruck. Everything she went through, all the embarrassment she suffered, wasn’t for an important lesson on friendship? “Twilight, come with me. I’ll give you all the help you could ever need.” Sunset said as she led Twilight to her house. Three hours later, Sunset laid back on her bed, chewing on the end of a drinking straw. Twilight lay next to her, her breath heavy and body completely limp. “Wow, Twilight, the you from this world reacted the same way when I introduced her to the real magic of friendship.” Sunset said smugly. Twilight tried to react to this unsettling revelation, but in her hyper relaxed state she wasn’t able to do much more than say, “What?” Sunset grinned, an evil plan now in motion. “Now I have a matching pair. I should get both of you over at the same time, then we could have a Ménage à Twi.” She giggled a bit at her pun, and then a lot at the now scarlet Twilight Sparkle. Epilogue: 3 days later As Twilight sat across from Celestia, she carefully sipped her tea. Celestia had been silent for some time, but finally had brought up why she had called her former student to Canterlot. “Twilight, I’ve heard some slightly disturbing reports from some of your friends and your sister-in-law. I wanted to clarify what the letter I sent you meant.” Twilight calmly interrupted her former teacher. “It’s ok. Sunset explained it.” “She did?” “Yes, and I’m feeling much calmer now.” Twilight grinned and set her cup down. “In fact, I’m going back tomorrow night.” Celestia choked on her tea and gave Twilight a questioning look. Twilight smirked and nodded, happy to confirm Celestia’s unspoken question. The End Author's Note The grand finale. I know I said she wasn't going to get any, but a comment by JediWyrm caused me to change that. Comment if you like, good or bad.
