Chapters One Thousand One Ways to Thwart a King
A Little Less Conversation...
Princess Celestia bolts upright in her bed, panting heavily. She rests her forehead against her hand, shivering at the memory - the vision - that she had seen. "My poor little ponies..." Her slender fingers trail down to her throat, gingerly rubbing the fur there as her bosom heaves with anxiety. "...there's no way I can allow this to come to pass."
Determination filling her entire being, she rises to her hooves and strides to the archives, ignoring the stunned stares from her staff at how she walked the halls in only her nightwear. The task before her was too pressing to bother with getting dressed or self-consciousness.
That latter thought gives her the briefest of pauses before the door to her private study. Shaking her head, she heads through the opening, closing it behind her as she reaches her desk. She pulls out a book, biting her lip as she flips through it. "...I can only hope she's up to it… and that what you made will work, my old friend." She turns to the parchment on her desk, her horn lighting up to write with her quill.
"My most faithful student…"
Twilight stands in the middle of the Crystal Empire, frowning deeply as she rereads the letter one more time. "...I don't get what turning the heart into a rooster will accomplish… but it's the Princess' orders to keep it from happening." Shrugging, she pulls out a journal with a four leaf clover on the front. "So… the Zero Spell and the Hero Spell? I never heard of those, before…" She opens the book up and pores over its contents. "...ooh, there's a spell in here to find one's true love…"
So distracted is she by the spellbook, she doesn't notice the being stepping up behind her, his golden staff clinking against the ground with every other step. The dark chuckle from his lips causes the purple pony to startle and turn around, her eyes wide in shock as he speaks to her. "Well, if it isn't the newest princess of Equestria."
Twilight's eyes narrow slightly at the pure venom in that one word, then she averts her gaze. "Please put some pants on. And go back to where you came from, please." She blinks, then turns back to look at his head, pointedly ignoring his lower half. "Wait, are you a caribou?"
"Yes. I'm King Dainn, ruler of the caribou, to be exact. And soon to be the King of Equestria, too." He smirks at her. "Not that a bitch like you has to worry herself over that. It'll be-" He suddenly finds himself lacking air.
"I said it once, I'll say it again." Her gaze turns fierce, her hands clenched into fists at her side. "Go back to where you came from. And never call me that again." She lets him go and throws him back with a burst of basic magic.
His hooves dig into the ground, arms folded across his chest. "You call that magic?" His horns light up, and Twilight feels him trying to reach into her mind. His smile widens as he steps toward her. "Now, then, why don't you accept your place at the hooves of males, the ones who should be in charge?"
She just stands there, staring blankly at him. "My mind is protected by a series of magical psychic locks. Brainwashing magic does nothing to me."
He snorts, smirking broadly. "Like that will matter when your whole race turns against you, seeking to turn you into their toy."
"...are you done? I'm going to be late for the party that Pinkie's holding." She reaches into her pocket and pulls out a watch, eyeing it disinterestedly.
He just scoffs at her, eyes narrowed in anger. "You know what? I'll give you three free spells. That push you did earlier was your first one. And after you're done, you'll be begging to have some of my-"
"Shut. Up." Legitimately getting annoyed at his attitude, Twilight pulls out the spellbook and starts to concentrate on the first spell Celestia mentioned. "Zero." She feels a warmth pass through her body, followed by a burst of chilling cold. Part of her wondered if she saw the king shivering, but she pushed that thought out of her head for the moment as she focuses on the other spell.
"And now… Hero!"
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One Thousand One Ways to Thwart a King
Apples Are to Me What Cigarettes and Alcohol Are to Humans
"What did you do?!"
"Me? Why are you asking me that? You should ask that beast you sent at me, you slut!"
The two magical beings are right in each other's faces, pointing the blame at the other and at beings not currently there. Despite their outrage, neither one touches the other, concerned that they might get violent… or, worse, prove by the touch that they aren't imagining things.
This stalemate was broken by the mare trying to do the same to his nose, aided by her fist.
"He was not a beast, he was a human!" Twilight crosses her arms as she takes a few steps back, having realized just how close she had gotten to the caribou in the last couple moments. "Besides, his specialty seemed to be enhancement, not time control."
"Does that make a difference?" His eyes narrow and he takes a step closer to the retreating mare. "We're here now, and I'm no longer dead. I'll have to find and thank him for that."
"...actually, I think he was breaking your horns." She sheepishly smiles. "I sent that blast through your head."
"...maybe I should've considered you for a battle bitch." He sneers at her. "Maybe I can if you give in… and stop ignoring me, you who-"
A magical muzzle clamps his mouth shut. "You talk too much. I need to concentrate to figure out just what these spells did. Now let's see…" She mutters to herself as she looks over the two incantations. "...Hero brings one being to the aid of the caster, in addition to anything he, she, or it may be carrying with them… the result is random. Great. I guess it's gonna be difficult to bring Shazam back here…" She sighs, then turns the pages back. "Let's see… Zero… Zero… uh oh."
Dainn's eyebrow raises at this, unable to voice his curiosity at the moment. Thankfully, she goes ahead and gives him the answer to his unspoken question.
"Zero is a spell that locks ponies into a single space and time until they come to an agreement. It will rewind time to the point it was cast if any of the ones present when cast becomes… incapacitated… with their health restored." She lets out a breath, rubbing her forehead with one hand. "Wow, you actually surpassed Starswirl, Smart Cookie…"
Horns glowing, the king breaks the muzzle, working his jaw a moment before looking at her skeptically. "So what you're saying is that we're stuck here until you agree to become my slave."
Her eyes narrow dangerously. "No. We're here until you agree to leave Equestria alone!" She raises up her hand, pointing at him as she casts the spell she did not too long ago.
"HERO!"
In a blur of black, a journal falls from the sky, impacting the ground with barely even a sound. Confused by this, Twilight reaches down and touches the journal, then promptly shrieks, jumping up and away from it, staring at a spot above it in shock.
There before her was another being, not quite like the human from before. For one thing, his skin was an ashen gray, nearly blue. His limbs were gangly, and he was floating off the ground before her. He gives a sharp-toothed grin as his red eyes focused on her face, reminding her a bit too much of Discord before he was reformed.
"So, you were the one who found the Death Note." He glances over her, raising a hand to his chin as he does so. "...not exactly what I would've expected, but you're probably just as interesting as Light was."
Twilight's mind was shifting into overdrive, nearly overheating from the combination of the bizarre creature and the sudden onslaught of information. "W-who are you talking about? Interesting? Death Note?"
"Are you going insane over there?" Dainn speaks up, causing her to flinch and look at him. "If that's what you summoned does to ponies, keep it far away from me."
"N-no! Don't you see him?" She gestures to the being. "It? Whatever it is?"
"I am the shinigami Ryuk." He chuckles deeply. "And I want to see how this all turns out."
"What!" She glares at the being, her fury rising. "Don't act like that! I summoned you to help! So please, help!"
Ryuk stares at her a moment, then looks at the caribou just as he fires a blast towards him, trying to hit an invisible enemy that he assumes is there. The bad news for him is that it does nothing but phase through his body. "...you actually disappointed me faster than Light." He picks up the journal, flipping it open so only the unreadable title is seen before writing in it.
Twilight can only stare at him in dumbfounded shock, unable to believe what she is seeing. Then he turns the book to her, and she feels a sharp pain in her chest as she reads.
Twilight Sparkle 10:02 am, shot through the heart
"Zero."
As soon as the word is spoken, Twilight grasps at her chest, gasping for air like it was the sweetest delicacy she's ever tasted. The king looks at her, eyes narrowed in anger. "How does it feel to be the one who died, bitch?"
She shudders. "I saw Smart Cookie… she was shorter than I imagined..."
"I was being facetious, you dumb bitch! I don't care if you die!" He points a finger at her. "There's a chance we'll be stuck doing this for eternity!"
"...we actually might." She looks up at him, frowning deeply. "But if that's what it takes to protect my friends, protect Equestria, then I'll gladly do it." She points at him, shouting in fervor.
"HERO!"
Author's Note
I honestly did not expect this many replies. I can only hope that what Twilight said will help establish the rules for suggestions.
Also, there's one or two more pre-planned chapter before we start using suggestions. I'll need that extra time to research the suggestions that you send us. This should be the only one with such a short battle, and that's only because of how the battle had to go.
Thanks for reading!
One Thousand One Ways to Thwart a King
Look after the little guy.
There's barely a moment before a girl suddenly dashes out of thin air, skidding to a stop in front of Twilight. Tense, she turns her head this way and that before carefully opening an icy blue eye. Apparently sure she's safe from something unknown, she lets her body relax, her breath escaping her a split second before she notices Twilight. "...what the heck are you supposed to be?"
"I, um… I'm Twilight." The mare awkwardly scratches her cheek, glancing past the blonde girl at the dumbfounded ruler. "I'm a unicorn. And he's a caribou."
She turns to look at him, then back at her, her lips forming a flat line. "Yeah, no, unicorns are a myth, you have wings," the mare blushes having forgotten that, "and caribou don't look like a furry version of Cell."
"Who?"
"...man, you are lucky to live on this world." Shaking her head, the girl offers her hand. "I'm Eighteen."
Twilight quickly takes the hand, glad this one is more likely to be on her side. "N-nice to meet you." Her eyes widen as they look down at the hand squeezing her own. "Wow, that's a strong grip."
"Hey!" The two of them look off to the side to see Dainn growling angrily. "Just because you two damn cunts share a lack of equipment doesn't mean you can just ignore me!"
The girl closes her eyes and sighs quietly, turning to Twilight afterwards. "I'm gonna break his arm."
The princess just smiles wryly. "Mind if I help?"
"...you may just be better than my brother." Eighteen turns back to Dainn, pressing the knuckles of one hand into the other with an audible popping noise. "So, which arm do you prefer?"
"Ha!" He points a finger at her, his horns lighting up with energy. "Like you could even lay a finger on-"
"Left it is."
She's suddenly beside his arm, hitting it with both her knee and elbow. Grunting in pain, he punches her in the face and sends her into a house, holding his hurt but not broken arm. He grumbles to himself, blasting at Twilight mere seconds before she can put up a shield, forcing her to dodge as the blast destroys a crystal home.
"You know, I almost feel bad for you." He sneers as he clears the distance and kicks the alicorn in the stomach. "That first one worked out well, but the second caused you to die, and now this one only gave you a worthless bitch." His horns glow once more with power. "Maybe you'll get better luck next time."
He fires, only destroying the ground as Eighteen flies past and drags Twilight out of the way. Frowning, he turns to look at them, an eyebrow raised.
"You tore my jacket, you jerk." She turns to face him, crossing her arms. "Also, I don't think I've ever seen ki or energy be fired out of horns, before."
He lets out a sigh of annoyance. "It's called magic, you dumb cunt."
Her eyes narrow and she strides over to him. "Then you should be old and wrinkly. For now, though, I think I'll settle for humbled and broken."
"And you think you're powerful enough to do that?" Dainn sneers at her, holding up the arm she tried to break. "If it wasn't clear, you aren't strong enough to injure me."
Eighteen smiles. "Maybe not by myself."
Before his mind can catch up to her words, he feels arms loop under his and hands lock behind his neck, forcing his arms out and to the sides. At the same moment, a fabric wraps around his forehead and pulls it back until he's forced to stare up at the sun, his eyes starting to burn from the brightness.
"What, you think I'm weak enough to be held back by some dumb bitch?" He struggles a bit, arms struggling to reach back towards her before she increases the pressure and tightens her grip on his neck, forcing them straight once more. "Okay, seriously, let go."
"No."
"You know, you're so proud to be a man." He can practically hear the girl's smile in her voice. "I can think of a way to fix that."
Horror fills him only a moment before he's blinded by pain, unable to think of anything until he blacks out.
"Zero."
His hands immediately go to his groin, eyes wide and staring at the princess in shock. "How could you let her do that to me? What the fuck is wrong with you?!"
"I didn't know what she was going to do!" Twilight throws her hands up in the air. "Don't blame me for that!"
"I can blame you for whatever I want! That was excruciating!" He shudders a bit.
"Whatever. You were going to cut off our horns, weren't you?"
"...and your point is?"
"HERO!"
Author's Note
Alright, because of what someone pointed out in the previous chapter, I decided it may be better to go back to my original idea for that chapter. Let me know if you think it's better or not.
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One Thousand One Ways to Thwart a King
The Hard Part Was Getting the Shark to Pose.
Before either of them can do or say anything else, the ground beneath their hooves begins to rumble. Twilight stumbles from the sheer amount of force coming from her right, while Dainn plants his staff for balance.
Before their eyes, something grows out of the ground beside the mare. While not too out-of-place in the Crystal Empire, the wide plinth that appears has the sort of rigid and uniform look not present in the naturally grown kingdom.
Blinking in confusion, Twilight spares the still-reeling caribou a glance before squatting down carefully. She gently pokes the new formation, then pulls her hand back, expecting a shock of electricity or something equally painful.
"Congrats. You made another crystal." The king scoffs. "As if this place didn't have enough of those."
Suddenly this new platform glows and a light blue beam shoots into sky from it, only to cease a moment later, leaving a new being standing on it. As they look around, this new arrival is revealed to have cerise skin and an outfit consisting of various shades of purple with a few patches of pink on a star shape on her chest. When she turns to the two beings next to her, they see she has pointed mirror shades and a large head of hair that forms a cube.
"I did not expect this to be on the other end of the warp interference I saw would happen today." She says simply.
"...warp interface?" Twilight's eyes have stars in them from her excitement. "You made a warp interface for use by all? This is phenome-"
A blast to the face shuts her up and knocks her down.
"Damn it, don't you ever shut up?" Dainn growls angrily. "This miserable excuse of a being is just… wait, is it another bitch?" He narrows his eyes, body tense as he remembers what happened last time. "You stay back or I'll break you."
"No you won't," she says matter-of-factly as she picks Twilight gently up by the back of her shirt with one hand and puts her back on her hooves. Once she lets go, she looks between the two of them with a thoughtful expression before she speaks to the unicorn. "I'm Garnet. Did you bring me here?"
"Y-yes." The mare stumbles a bit, trying to get her bearings. "M-my name is Twilight. Twilight Sparkle."
"Nice to meet you." She gives her a small smile before going back to her neutral expression, looking intently at the caribou before frowning.
The ruler crosses his arms, frowning deeply in return. "What? You going to get in my way, too?"
"I sure hope so." Twilight rubs her cheek, a little sore about being interrupted.
"The future you'll bring about if I don't is too horrible to let come to pass." She adopts a fighting stance, clenching her fists. "Surrender! This is your only chance!"
"Like I'm about to be ordered around by a slut!" His horns glow as he strides towards her. "Listen and listen good. I'm a king, and it is my right to rule. Not like those whores that call themselves princesses."
"What a mouth." She suddenly darts forward with enough speed that she's only a blur before she slams her palm into his chest, tossing him back against the wall of a nearby building. "I don't care if you're a king or not. I've seen empires rise and fall. The fact that you're a leader does not change the fact you are a monster."
A blast comes from his horns as he pries himself out of the wall, his body having a new glow about it. "You know nothing of my rule. Of my culture, my citizens." His staff flies back into his hands, the end pulling back to reveal a blade. "Of what I can do."
"I know what it's like to be on the receiving end of a tyrannical leader." She stares him down as her hands glow, the light around them ballooning until they form large knuckled gauntlets with a clunk. "I know what it's like to have their will control how you live." She clenches her fists, crouching down slightly before gesturing a hand at Twilight. "I know that there will be small groups of rebels that will eventually take you down. Since I've already done that for my world, I think I'll save them some time and take you down here and now!"
Dainn's legs flash briefly before he closes the distance, halberd extended to stab the being in the chest. His lunge is halted by the magic wall the alicorn conjures up, which diverts the blade down towards the ground before vanishing.
Garnet jumps to the side, looking to Twilight. "Thanks." With her part said, she bounces off her foot when she lands and launches towards Dainn, grabbing his staff in one gauntlet.
He raises a fist, glowing amber, and socks her right in the face, sending her now-cracked shades flying and knocking her head back. He wrenches his staff out of her hand and places the sharp blade against her throat.
Her three different colored eyes all glare at him now that they are revealed. One of her legs swings around, sweeping his legs out from under him. As he reals, she takes the staff from him, tossing it away and driving a gauntlet into his stomach just as he impacts the ground.
Though winded, he looks up at her, grimacing a little bit. "...so you're a freak as well as a bitch, huh?" He huffs, his horns lighting up as his eyes narrow. "You're nothing great."
His halberd flies into her back, blade first, as the caribou grins sadistically at her. When it doesn't come all the way through, however, his elation turns to confusion. His eyes move to the purple pony behind the hero, who was holding back the weapon with both hands and magic. Grunting, he just punches Garnet in the chest with an empowered fist once more, getting her off him and pushing her onto his weapon in one move, much to Twilight's horror.
The warrior only grunts as the blade pokes out from her front. Reaching behind her, she pulls the weapon out of her, the blade leaving no markings on her body. She squeezes with the gauntlet holding the weapon, splintering the staff and letting its pieces fall to the ground. A final smash with her other fist onto the flat of the blade makes it fall to pieces as well. "That's enough of that."
The others stare at her in surprise, though the king is more startled than anything. "No… how did you do that? That was the strongest metal my mages and blacksmiths could make!"
With a wave of her hand, she summons a new pair of shades over her eyes. "Nothing is invincible, even the hardest diamond can shatter." Her piece said, she levels her fists at him before they suddenly launch off her body and impact his.
He grunts as he's pushed backwards, his chest glowing like before as he grabs the gauntlets. He wrenches them off to the sides, sending them crashing into two buildings behind him.
Twilight grimaces at this, shaking her head. "Thank goodness we evacuated…"
Dainn didn't hear this, too far away to do so. Garnet did.
As she casually reforms her hands and gauntlets, the purple woman looks back at Twilight. "Did you know this would happen?"
"Well, not exactly." She sheepishly smiles at her. "It's just… last time I faced down someone, I think we may have reshaped the landscape. And destroyed a mountain."
"You get used to that." Garnet says with a smile.
Having taken the moment the two were talking to charge his magic, the king is now glowing with energy as he approaches them, the ground cracking with his last hooffall. "As if you have that kind of power." He suddenly closes the distance, slamming his fist into her chest and kicking Twilight, who was barely able to put up a shield in time to dampen the impact.
Garnet grunts, grabbing his fist with both hands as she looks at him. "Not alone." Suddenly, her gauntlets crackle with energy and ashe pushes the electricity created into him.
His body starts to lock up, but he manages to kick her in the face, pulling himself free only to fall to his knees from the shock.
Twilight, having just gotten herself back up, pants quietly as she holds her arm, the force of his punch having nearly broken it. "Not… alone?"
Taking advantage much like he had with them, Garnet grows one of her Gauntlets to roughly four times its original size before sending him flying with a gut punch. Taking a slow breath afterward, she dismisses her gauntlets and looks down at the palms of her hands. "I'm never alone." She gives Twilight and encouraging look. "Family and friends can make you more powerful than you ever dreamed." With that said, her palms glow and two shapes float out of them. After a moment, the light around them fades to reveal two golden spiked knuckles. Holding them in her hands, she reforms her gauntlets, now with large and destructive additions.
"Family?" Dainn speaks from the hole he made in the tower-like structure in the middle of the city, addressing the two of them below it. "Friends? Those only slow you down!" He pushes himself free, now completely golden, as he glares at the two of them. "If you want to rule, you have to care about yourself first, and others last!" He reaches out his hand, the shards from the staff that Garnet broke now flying to his palm to reform the weapon, its blade pointed at the warrior. "Pray to whatever deity you have that this ends swiftly for you."
Twilight is positively seething with anger at this point, at the words that fly in the face of all that she stands for. Her horn charges up with magic, ready to just blast another hole through his chest and be done with it, forgetting their current situation.
"Twilight, a question: does his power also come from his horns?" Garnet asks calmly.
Blinking, brought out of her thoughts and rage by her query, she turns to look at her, confused. "Well… it should? I mean, that's the conduit for magic for unicorns and alicorns. And his horns were definitely glowing earlier."
"Thank you." She turns her head just slightly to look at her while keeping an eye on the caribou. "Try to be a little more careful in the next few battles you'll have against him, alright?"
She stares at her in awe, having not expected that. "Wait, h-how did…"
Her words are cut off by the king almost appearing to teleport right in front of them, causing her to squeak in surprise before he grabs her and throws her into the castle above. He then turns his blade against Garnet, aiming right for where her third eye would be.
A now spiked fist comes up, crushing and piercing his hands from below. Done with words, the warrior ignores his cry of pain and delivers a blow to his chest at an angle to force him onto his back to the ground. He focuses through the pain and turns his attention to her, blasting her with a narrow, powerful beam of magic. She gives out a cry of pain,, her body showing scarring as she glares down at him. One gauntlet roughly, pins him to the ground while the other raises up and increases size. Her mouth curls into a grim smile. "Enjoy your defeats." With that said, she aims just a bit higher than she had been during the fight, bringing her crushing blow down so that her pointed knuckles impact directly at the base of his horns.
He cries out, blinded by the sheer agony of losing his horns and his magic. As his body turns back to brown, he quietly huffs, forcing an eye open so he can look up at her. "...at least I won't have to look at your face again… bitch."
"I don't know about that." She points a thumb back to Twilight. "There's a future where she makes contact with us because she was able to recreate the warp pad, and even without that, the ones where you succeed are getting fainter and fainter."
The mare's eyes light up in hope and excitement. Even so, the fallen king just chuckles, eye narrowing as he feels himself slip away.
"Then I just… search for the ones where I win…"
"Zero."
He gasps, grateful to have air in his lungs once more. "D-damn it, how did I get beaten by that bitch?"
"Because you fight for yourself."
He growls, his whole body tensing as he glares at her in anger. She does nothing but smile in return.
"Hero!"
Author's Note
Thanks to my friend Rhino for helping me write this, as he's the better authority on Steven Universe.
One Thousand One Ways to Thwart a King
A red figure appeared mere moments before his head was blasted off, causing the mare to shriek in horror.
"What, did you think I was just gonna let you get away with that every time?" Dainn scoffs derisively. "I just needed to figure out where your so called hero was going to pop up at."
"That's where you're wrong."
Twilight jumps back from the corpse as it sat up, eyes wide in shock. The body slowly rubbed the spot on top of its neck, where a new head was already starting to form.
"See, I'm no hero." His head finishes reforming, and he grins at the stunned caribou. "I'm a mercenary. And you just made my list." He turns to the purple pony, holding out a hand. "Deadpool, how's it going? You happy to see me, or are you just always horny?"
"A mercenary? Interesting." He flashes the alicorn a toothy grin, then turns to the costumed creature, dutifully ignoring the deformities of his face. "I can pay you, if you want. Gold."
Twilight stammers, hurrying to the being's side and gripping his sleeve. "W-we have gold! Plus, all the gems of the royal treasury!"
He raises an eyebrow, looks down at her chest, then up at her. "...throw in a free grope or two, and I'll get rid of Expo the Exhibitionist over there."
She blushes brightly, but gives a nod after a moment. "S-sure."
"And don't think you'll just get away with it once this part of the cycle is over." Deadpool laughs, hands on his hips. "I remember my deals."
"I've got something better than just groping one bitch's breasts." Dainn interjects, grinning widely. "I'll get you a harem of slaves you can do whatever you want with."
The ~~disfigured~~ dashing man turns back to him, wagging a finger. "See, I'd be likely to believe you, if you hadn't just blasted my head off and called this lovely little lady a bitch. Last I checked, she wasn't a canine." He pauses, then turns to look at Twilight. "You're not a canine, are you?"
"P-pony."
"What, like Pinkie?" Ignoring her look of shock, he glances around, a hand to his brow as he searches. "Come to think of it, where is that loveable pink pony? Last I saw of her, she threw me a fantastic bir-" He's cut off with a yelp and a blast that severs his arm. "Darn it, that was my favorite arm!" He bends over and picks it up. "Eh, I can save it."
The caribou can only stare in abject shock, turning slowly to look at Twilight. "...what the actual fuck is wrong with this guy?"
"Nothing! No, wait, everything! Including cancer! What's wrong with you?" Their attention turns back to Deadpool, who was wearing his mask again. "Oh, hey, there she is!"
They turn back around to see a pink pony, wearing a white shirt with a heart on it and a skirt decorated with balloons. She cheerfully waves before smacking the king with a sledgehammer. "Thanks for the weapons, Wade!"
"Hey, I thought we said no real names when I'm in costume!" He wags a finger at her.
She just shrugs. "I don't remember." Pinkie squeaks when a hand grabs her face and flings her into a nearby building.
The owner, a very irate ungulate, turns to the others, his body on the verge of going golden again. "You know what? Fuck you. I don't care if you think you're immortal, I'm gonna find a way to tear you to pieces and destroy them down to the last atom so that you never see the light of day again!"
"Woah, there, you seem to have some anger issues." He pulls out his katanas, somehow grinning through his mask. "Maybe I can help with that?"
Dainn rolls his eyes, picking up his staff and exposing the blade once more. "Fine. Maybe I can let off some steam with this little diversion."
"Wouldn't count on it!"
He gets clonked on the head by a hammer, cursing as he brings the butt end of his weapon into Pinkie's belly and knocking the wind out of her. He swings the blade at her head, but is blocked by a longer, thinner blade. Rolling his eyes, he slides the sharp edge along the other metal, eventually cutting through the guard and the mercenary's fingers. "Try counting on those." He kicks Deadpool in the chest, knocking him back and slowly advancing, pinning his good hand to the ground with his magic, then his blade. "Listen, I'll be frank with you, I hate mares in power. I enjoy the pleasure they give me once they're slaves, and even that is barely enough to keep me from killing most of them."
"You know," the red-clad man speaks up, "I'm sure you have this whole speech planned out, but there's just one thing that keeps going through my mind. Well, aside from the other two voices."
The caribou frowns in confusion. "...what?"
"I'm so glad you asked!" He holds up his gun and presses it against Dainn's forehead. "The thing that's about to go through yours."
BANG.
"Zero."
"GRAAH!" Dainn rushes forward and slams his fist into Twilight's head, breaking her nose and neck in one motion.
Everything goes black again.
"Zero."
Twilight flinches from the last action she saw, shaking her head and glaring at him. "What was that about?"
"You! You cast this spell, keep summoning those damn heros!" He grits his teeth, eyes narrowing angrily. "Stop getting felt up while I'm talking to you!"
The alicorn blushes, turning back to look at the mercenary currently fondling her bosom. "...uh… enjoying yourself, there?"
"Very much so, yes." He chuckles brightly. "Especially since the author can't write a good fight scene for me worth crap."
The purple mare's eye twitches as she tries to make sense of his words. "Can you… go back to where you came from? Please?"
"Fine. I promised Pinkie I'd visit her, anyways." He huffs, squeezing her one last time and making her blush even more before hurrying off behind a building. "I'll be coming back for that sweet tush of yours, though!"
"...I really don't see the difference between me and him." Dainn scratches his chin. "He's more impulsive, I guess."
Twilight turns and gives him a flat stare before speaking with an equally flat tone. "Hero."
Author's Note
...writing for Deadpool is harder than it looks.
One Thousand One Ways to Thwart a King
Nothing is True. Everything is Permitted.
A bird flies through the air in the ensuing silence, much to Twilight's embarrassment and Dainn's bemusement. He scoffs, gesturing to the creature. "This little thing is your hero? It couldn't do anything to my weakest bitch, much less me."
He suddenly feels a sting in his arm. Wincing, he turns to look at it, only to become baffled at the dart now stuck to it, tangled in his fur. "...what the actual fuck is this?" His head turns left and right before his eyes narrow. He flattens a building with a burst of magic, exposing the figure hiding behind it.
He finds a man with a white set of robes on, a hood covering his face. His black cloak flutters behind him slightly as he takes a step back, his boot audibly thumping against the crystal road. The guy tsks, then makes his way towards the purple pony. "I guess stealth isn't an option, this time."
"...who are you, and what were you even trying to do?" Dainn crosses his arms, wincing a bit when his fingers brush against the fresh cut.
Twilight swears he sees the faintest hint of a smile before he responds, bowing with his arms spread. "My name is Ezio Auditore."
The caribou furrows his brow at this. "Why did you bring that up? I don't need to know your name to kill you."
"I could've sworn it was proper etiquette for one to introduce themselves before issuing the challenge for a duel." His eyes flick up to his horns. "Am I mistaken with what your race does?"
"No one's ever challenged me." Dainn sneers at him. "So few want to commit suicide that way."
"Good thing I'm not planning on dying." He turns to look at Twilight, placing a hand on the hilt of his sword. "You won't tell anyone about this."
She quickly shakes her head. "N-no, you go right ahead. I promise not to tell a soul!"
"Let's hope so." He faces the caribou, drawing his sword. "Are you ready?"
"...You know what? Sure." The king exposes the blade in his staff, holding it in both hands. "And, just because you're being a cocky bastard, I'll best you without using my magic."
"Magic?" He thinks back to earlier. "Ah. That's how you were able to do that without a weapon." He steps forward, bringing his sword up to bear as he nears his opponent.
Scoffing, Dainn swings his halberd down, intending to end the fight swiftly. To his surprise, his weapon was deflected to the side, not by a shield, but by the very sword Ezio was carrying. Anticipating a counter, he draws his forward hand back, swinging the blunt end sharply towards the hooded man, who just as swiftly jumped back.
Growling at his attacks having no effect, he lashes out with his right hand, aiming for his neck. As expected, the man stopped the blow, but only by grabbing his wrist. Seeing a blade now swinging towards his head, he instinctively brings up his arm, hoping his bracer will be enough to stop it. Surprisingly, the blade didn't have much force behind it.
Unfortunately for him, that was intentional.
He feels a blade dig into his shoulder, making him grit his teeth as he feels a burning like fire begin to course through his arm, his chest, his neck. He closes his eyes, trying to block out the pain.
It suddenly stops progressing, and he opens an eye to see a white room around him. He collapses to his knees, his breathing heavy as he looks up at the man before him, hatred in his eyes. "You think you've won? This isn't over." He lets go of his weapon to point at the being who single handedly beat him, and without any special abilities. "You cannot kill me!"
"This sounds vaguely familiar." Ezio looks down at the pool of blood beneath the caribou. "You may say that, but your body is already giving up. You cannot be saved."
"Maybe this body." He laughs weakly, coughing up some blood. "But there will be others. You haven't won." He falls on his back, his eyes closing as the darkness takes him.
"Zero."
Dainn is silent, striding up and picking Twilight up by the throat. "You're going to stop this, even if I have to kill you at the beginning of each and every cycle." He pulls his arm back, eyes narrowed as he stares at the tower in the distance.
"N-no, stop," she screams as she's flung through the air, "you PSYCHO! HEROOOO!"
Author's Note
I hope I did this guy justice. I don't really play Assassin's Creed (I don't own an XBox or any gaming system
View Online
One Thousand One Ways to Thwart a King
If the Heroes Run and Hide, Who Will Stay and Fight?
The crystal palace is rapidly approaching, and despite her best attempts to fly away, her lack of proper wing practice leaves her completely helpless to inertia's cruel hand. She brings up her arms and closes her eyes, bracing herself for impact.
Instead, she finds herself landing against something hard, yet undeniably softer than unrelenting crystal. Her eyes flutter open, only to find a vast field of yellow in front of her face. "...Fluttershy?" She blinks, then hazards a glance over her shoulder at the swiftly nearing crystal pathway, yelping as she starts to flail. "F-falling!"
"Are you always this loud?"
Her ear twitches as she turns to look at him, just now realizing just how lazy he looked, and, to a lesser extent, how the only hair on his head was his eyebrows.
She looks to the side, whimpering softly. "...I'm gonna die…"
When the two of them land, Twilight's eyes widen in shock at the sheer destruction under his boots, the crystal road around and below them practically exploding into shards. "...h-how…"
"You can't be serious." Dainn growls, making Twilight jump in surprise in her savior's arms. "This guy doesn't look like he takes his next meal seriously, much less the job of being a superhero!" He smacks his chest with a fist, eyes narrowed. "I am King Dainn! Ruler of Hraljord and soon to be the ruler of Equestria! None shall get in the way of my conquest, and I will not stop trying to rule over everyone, as is my right as king of-"
"You never get tired of hearing yourself talk, do you?" The man says as he sets Twilight down.
The caribou stops, staring at him blankly. "...what?"
He gives the caribou an almost disinterested stare. "I mean, it got my hopes up the first time that you'd be tough, but now it's just boring."
He grits his teeth in annoyance, approaching him with his staff's blade exposed. "What are you talking about?" He jabs his head with the tip of a finger. "I'm gonna bash your head in like the egg that it resembles, and maybe you'll show me the respect I deserve!"
Twilight, starting to get nervous, takes a step forward to try and help the mysterious hero-
Only to stop short when the King explodes into giblets.
Her eye twitches slightly, wondering what just happened, and why the spell hadn't activated, yet. "...I… what?"
The man simply sighs, lowering his fist, light smoke coming from it. "I wonder how Genos would have done against this guy." After a moment, he looks to the unicorn. "I'm not going to keep coming back, right? I need to cook tonight."
The purple alicorn can only stare on in confusion. "...wha-"
"Zero."
Dainn jolts as soon as the word finishes, his hands moving to feel himself and make sure he's still alive. "...the fuck was that? I was in darkness for what felt like a minute, there."
The mare takes a few steps back. "I don't know. What I do know - hero - is that I actually saw the aftermath of your death, this time."
His eye twitches and he points an accusing finger at her. "I thought the spell didn't work that way! And don't think I didn't hear that spell you snuck in there, you bitch!"
He barely gets that thought out before a familiar blur of color falls to the street between the two of them, the sound of shattering glass filling the air. They both jump back in surprise at the massive crater that is suddenly made in the ground.
Within rises a familiar shape, the bald casual man that had just been there. Looking around, scratching the side of his cheek with a finger, he remarks. "What, again? Am I getting a doover?" When his eyes settle on the two other figures, he blinks. "Well, maybe the fight will be more fun if I don't go all out on the first blow."
Dainn frowns deeply. "Have you forgotten who I am? I control a magic that you can't even fathom!" His body starts to crackle with electricity, the brown fur turning golden with each arc that passes. "I am the end of any being who dares defy me! The princesses themselves will cower in fear of my might!" He suddenly closes the distance, making Twilight jump back in shock from how fast it was, and swings the blade of his weapon at the man's neck.
The man doesn't seem to move, yet his arm suddenly is upright, the blade crashing into it instead and shattering as it does. Not breaking eye contact with the caribou, he speaks simply. "Ok."
He blinks, then looks to the remains of his staff, frowning deeply. "...I'm starting to think this isn't worth its weight in salt." He sighs, then swiftly punches the man in his face. "I'm not gonna lose again to a man who I don't even know!"
"Oh right, I never told you my name after you said yours." The yellow-clad man suddenly zips to where Dainn had been standing before in a blur of speed. "The name's Saitama."
There's a burst of white right next to him, and Twilight smiles at him as it disperses. "Saitama? That's a nice name. So you're a hero, right?"
He smiles down at her, nodding. "Yeah, registered and everything."
She blinks, her brow furrowing in confusion. "You have to register to be a hero?"
Turning away from the caribou, he explains. "Yeah, I wasn't going to at first, but Genos let me know that I'd stop being mistaken for a villain and even be payed for helping people. Nothing wrong with getting paid for having fun."
"Stop making out with your new boyfriend!" Dainn growls, stomping his hoof and causing an earthquake, causing Twilight to fall against Saitama. "I can hear it from here!"
She carefully pulls away from the man, a soft blush on her face. "You should, uh, go fight him. We'll be here for a while if you don't."
"Oh right, I was watching something before this." He turns to the caribou, his whole body seeming to tense as a new expression comes across his face, like he's focusing entirely on the enemy in front of him.
The King quickly closes the distance, slamming his fist into the hero's chest and making him skid back a few feet, where he hits Twilight and sends her flying through the air. She starts flapping, barely able to right herself.
"I'm okay!"
"Sorry!" Saitama calls back before he moves forward until his face is inches from the king's. One of his glove-clad fists comes forward, driving into his chest like he just did to him.
Dainn staggers backwards, placing a hand on his chest. "Fuck, that hurt!" He blinks, noticing that a certain glow missing about him. His gaze moves to his hands, eyes widening in shock. "M-my spell. You destroyed my spell!"
"And you took a punch." The man grins now, bracing himself for another attack. "Maybe this'll be fun."
"Fun?!" He growls, eyes narrowed as his horns light up briefly… before fizzling out, making him look up at them, dumbfounded.
He turns back to Saitama to see what looks like a fist aimed for his head.
Darkness. That was the only thing he could see, the only thing he could feel. Dainn tries to move his hands, but he can't even figure out where they are in the emptiness, much less manipulate them. He tries to turn his head, look around, breathe, but nothing is happening. He wonders if this is it, if he was truly dead, this time. How could anyone stand an eternity of loneliness, of nothingness? Maybe he-
"Zero."
The caribou blinks, forgetting how to breathe for a moment before it comes back to him in an explosive gasp, enough to make him double over and grip his knees. "...damn it, he did it again." He rights himself, an eye twitching as he glares at the mare. "I swear, if you summon that fucker one more time, I'll rip off your horn and sodomize you with it!"
She just stares back, an eyebrow raised. "You know I don't have any control over that, right?"
"Don't care, I'll still fucking do it."
The alicorn just rolls her eyes and gestures to her side. "Hero."
Surprisingly, Saitama appears again, but not falling from the sky. Instead, he just pops into existence beside her, making her jump a little in surprise.
"A?" He looks around, seeming even more confused than before. "Nani?"
She places her hand on his shoulder, getting his attention. "Hi, I'm Twilight. Twilight Sparkle. Welcome to the Crystal Empire. I know we never really explained this place in detail, but hey, there's a first time for everything, right?" She giggles brightly, then points to the castle looming over them. "That's where my brother and Cadence reside. They rule over the empire!"
"...nihongo wakaru?"
Twilight's eye twitches slightly. "...I don't know Neighponese. I'm just assuming that's what that is, of course." She clears her throat, her horn glowing as her magic washes over him. "There. I think that should do the trick… at least, I hope so…"
"Well, I can understand you now." He offers, looking at her curiously.
"Great!" She grins, clapping her hands together. "Let's try this again! My name is Twilight Sparkle. I'm the princess of friendship!"
"A lousy thing to be a princess of."
They turn to see Dainn with his hand on the Crystal heart, a slasher smile on his face. "You know, I was going to use this to control everyone. I think it'll work better as a source of power, instead."
The light starts draining from the artifact, climbing up his arm as his magic starts up, turning his fur golden, then crimson red, and finally an electric blue. His eyes narrow and he clenches his fists. "Let's see how you fare against this."
Before Twilight can finish processing his words, there's a powerful smacking of flesh against flesh to her right, and she can barely turn in time to see Saitama flying back from the force of the fist to his face.
The hero flies back into a building, the force entirely shattering the structure and causing to collapse on top of him.
"...wow, that was much easier than I'd thought it'd be." The caribou chuckles, turning to the alicorn with that same unsettling grin. "Ready to die, Princess?"
Suddenly, the rubble rumbles and Saitama casually stands up and walks out of it, dusting himself off. "So, are we going all out from the start?"
"...what?" He scowls at the man, gritting his teeth in annoyance. "How did you survive that? What are you?"
"Just a guy who's a hero for fun." He replies, exhaling and getting into a fighting stance.
"Seriously?" Dainn reaches to the side, catching his staff as it flies towards him, picking up the same glow surrounding his body. "What kind of a stupid description is that?"
"Sadistic misogynistic caribou slaver."
His head snaps in the direction of the mare, who is now hiding behind the heart. "No one asked you, Sparkle!" He turns back to the man, pointing a finger at him. "I am King Dainn, and I will be your downfall."
Saitama appears to be sizing Dainn up. "So, you're pretty tough, then?"
He raises an eyebrow at this. "Yeah, so what? It's not like it's gonna matter to a dead man, is it?"
He redirects a punch with his staff and headbutts the bald superhero. "I'm sorry, did I ever interrupt you?"
The hero blinks before gritting his teeth in determination. "No, but I was having a conversation." He quickly backs off, turning his side to the caribou. "Let's see just how strong you are." The fabric of his gloves strains as he clenches his fist. "Serious Series…"
Dainn can only stare, frowning in confusion. "Serious what?"
Saitama twists his body as he pulls off his attack. "Serious Punch!"
Eyes wide, the king summons a barrier to try and redirect the attack, only to watch it shatter like glass as the man's fist tears through it like nothing.
Twilight felt herself get flung back by the sheer force of the air from his punch, teleporting herself out of any potential danger just before it could start to tear her body apart.
As the world shudders from the attack, the aftermath says it all. The clouds in the sky are rent in a trail that goes halfway across the planet, and a mountain that had existed in the way of the force has simply ceased to be, much like the caribou king.
When he pulls his arm back, Saitama simply looks at the devastation blankly, sighing. "One punch again…"
The mare is left speechless for a moment before leaping forward and hugging him. "That was amazing! How did you do that with one punch? I could barely do that with my magic!" She pauses, then tentatively adds, "and the magic of the other princesses."
He looks back at her, appearing confused by her question. "I just trained really hard. It's no big secret. Are you okay?"
"Much better, thank you." She smiles softly. "Say, uh, would you mind if I brought you back here, sometime? I'd like to know more about you when you're not fighting someone."
"Oh, sure." He turns away from the destruction, nodding at her. "Mind if I bring a friend? He could probably use a vacation."
"Sure! I'd love to meet your friends!" Twilight giggles, holding her hand out to him. "Can I be your friend, too?"
He clasps her hand in his, his handshake oddly gentle. "Okay, you seem nice, so I'd like that."
"Great!" She nods, squealing like a schoolfilly. "Thank you, S-"
"Zero."
The alicorn blinks, then pouts, crossing her arms. "Shoot, I wanted to ask him a couple more questions before he left…" She trails off as she sees the caribou glaring daggers at her. "...what?"
He holds out his hand to her, eyes narrowing even more. "Give me your horn. And bend over."
She yelps, flying away to the balcony above and shouting to the heavens.
"HERO!!"
Author's Note
This was a lot harder than I thought it'd be.
Until next time, have a nice day!
One Thousand One Ways to Thwart a King
The second that word was shouted out, Twilight suddenly feels a new presence appear in the world. A presence that feels unlike anything she had ever felt before. A presence that is unlike anything and anyone save for one Alicorn Princess that she had grown to know over the years. Dainn felt the presence too and, rather instantly, he could tell something about what was coming felt... different . “...what did you do? WHAT DID YOU DO?”
A loud bark suddenly filled the castle, and the doors leading into one of the legs of the castle suddenly slammed open, revealing…
…a white wolf, with red markings that appeared no bigger than Twilight herself.
Dainn looks closer at the odd beast a moment, trying to take in its features, from the clean mat of the fur to the odd red markings that almost seemed to glow unlike any tattoo he had ever seen before, and, just to make things even more interesting, an odd disk, one on fire, hovering over the wolf’s back like a shield.
He swiftly turns to Twilight, pointing at the newcomer with a fierce glare on his visage. "Are you fucking kidding me? That's a wolf! You're throwing a wolf at me! What the actual fuck is a damn albino bitch going to-"
For Twilight, the world suddenly appeared as a Papyrus scroll, sepia tone and still.
And, maybe it was just her honed senses towards magic or maybe it was just from the bird’s eye view she had of the absolutely strange oddity currently happening, but she was suddenly aware of a massive calligraphy brush, big enough to fit only in the hand of a god, suddenly appear over Dainn. With conviction, force, sternness and no shortage of annoyance , the Brush just made one fine, straight, clean stroke across the tyrant’s chest.
After the brief instant it did, time suddenly resumed, the world returning to its former technicolor and animated self. The tyrant finds himself flung from a sudden impact to his chest, smacking him first into the street and then through a house, causing it to collapse on top of him.
He pushes rubble off his body, coughing and clutching at his chest. "...what was that brush? Why did I freeze?"
Once the tyrant seemed to be dealt with, if only for a moment, the white wolf, using its keen nose, suddenly started sniffing about. A moment later, the wolf looked up to Twilight on the balcony, smiling and panting happily. It was actually oddly cute considering this was the same wolf that just sent Dainn flying by….
...actually, what did happen there?
“You look a bit confused! Allow me to explain!” Twilight looked down to the wolf, thinking for a moment perhaps the dog could speak after all. Instead, she noticed a little green glowing light hopping up from underneath the dog’s shield and landing on its muzzle. “Allow me to introduce myself, m’lady. My name is Issun, a wandering artist and an envoy for the gods.” The little green light bounced up and down on the wolf’s head, prompting it to shake itself a bit. “And this wonderful girl you see here is Amaterasu! Guardian of Nippon, the user of the Celestial Brush Techniques and the Sun Goddess in wolf form!”
"...but Princess Celestia's in Canterlot." She furrows her brow slightly. "In both worlds."
“Eh… Different worlds, Different Gods and goddesses m’lady. Trust me, WE KNOW. Why, back in our world, there’s a deity for just about everything! Lightning, Thunder, Rain, The sea and the Sky… Oh and of course there’s the Princess of Peaches~.” … Twilight could almost tell the little green light was drooling a bit. “She’s QUITE the looker I tell ya, one in touch with the wonders of nature! A deep valley between two lofty peaks~~~... Hehehehehehehehehe~!”
Amaterasu just placed a paw over her muzzle as if to show annoyance.
"...I think three of your gods fall under Celestia's jurisdiction."
Amaterasu let out a bark, surprising Issun out of his little perverted trance. “OH RIGHT RIGHT, uh, explanations for later. For right NOW though, are you the one that summoned us cutie~?” He pauses a moment, as though to consider his words. “Well I mean, I IMAGINE you’re a cutie. It’s kinda hard to see you from down here.”
Before Twilight can respond, her eyes widen and she leaps down from the balcony, scooping up the two of them in her arms just in time to avoid a mighty blast of light that tears the road to pieces.
"Are you two idiots done talking with each other?" Dainn spits, pulling out his staff and exposing the blade. "I want to end this as quickly as-" He stops mid-sentence, eyes narrowing for a second before he growls, pointing a finger at the alicorn's bust. "You! Get the fuck out of there!"
After a second, a voice echoed out from behind it, “Well aren’t YOU grumpy? What crawled up your backside and died?” Issun asked. Dainn could almost make out the mischievous grin in his tone.
"I own her, as soon as I take over this wretched place!" He sneers at them. "And I have some warbeasts that would be happy to have a bitch of their own." His horns light up, and he fires another beam at them.
The beam was mere seconds from colliding with the bust…
Until once more the world became as a Papyrus scroll, this time the brush drawing two horizontal lines between the beam of light and the bust. And when time resumes once more, Dainn watches, both impressed and annoyed that his beam of light suddenly slowed to a crawl and flat out stopped in mid-air, allowing Twilight to fly away from the blast, before it finally resumes four seconds later, and Amaterasu to rush out after Dainn before as such as well.
And judging from the bared teeth, she did not look happy.
His eyes narrow and his body glows golden, allowing him to dart past her teeth and grab her around the waist. "So much for that." He flings her straight up into the air, grinning in triumph.
However the world once more freezes, the Brush creates a spiral like shape around Dainn. And when time resumes, he is sent flying upward by an almost hurricane worthy gust of wind. “AAAAAGH!” He was once more eye level with Amaterasu, her teeth bared angrily. “What are you going to do, bite m-” That time the Celestial brush wasn’t the one that interrupted him. Instead?
WHAM!!!! It was the shield floating behind Amaterasu’s back, reacting to a jerk of her head, and slamming the horned jerk upside the head, effectively spiking him like a beach ball back through the castle's walls and down to the ground in the throne room.
“UUURRRGH…” Looking a fair amount dazed, he slowly got up stumbling about before lifting his head to the still falling wolf. “YOU LITTLE BITCH I’M GONNA-” He was frozen mid-sentence once more by the Celestial Brush… However, this time it drew up to four circles over Dainn’s head, ending each illustration by drawing straight lines into the top of each one. When time resumed, Dainn found himself surrounded by four highly colorful, but highly volatile looking explosives .
"...oh fuck me." He smacks them all away with his staff, aiming at least one towards the wolf.
On the balcony once more, Twilight watches this all with a tub of popcorn and the tiny man that came with Amaterasu. She offers him a popped kernel. "You sure we don't need to help her?"
“Nah, she’s fine.” The cricket says, as he nibbles on his one piece of popcorn. “She’s taken on DEMONS scarier than THAT jerk. You ever hear of the Queen of the Spiders?”
“...no?”
“Heh, well now no-one else will either.”
The explosives all go off at once, filling the throne room with flames. Dainn, whom looked just about fed up with this crap, scanned about the room, impatiently seeking his quarry. “WHERE ARE YOU, YOU LITTLE BITCH?! MY BEASTS CAN FORGET OWNING YOU! YOU’RE NOT WORTH THE TROUB-”
The world once more becomes a papyrus scroll, the Calligraphy pen seemingly drawing paths from the open flames to the tyrant. And when time resumed?
He drowns in the fire. He cannot see through the heat of the fire. His world is fire, his reason is fire. All he knew was fire, and it consumed his very being. He is fire. All hail the fire.
"FUUUUUU-" He makes a blind grab and takes hold of the wolf, holding her against his burning fur. "-UUUCK YOU!"
Amaterasu let out a yelp, but in a few seconds it barely even mattered. She thanks the Gods of the Celestial Brush Technique. Sure, they were often tiring as hell, but mastering their techniques had always been worth it. With one last decisive stroke, this time aimed at the tyrant's eyes , he was sent flying once more, crashing through the throne.
And when he landed, he looked up as his vision started to fade. There Amaterasu was, growling angrily, teeth bared.
“Hahahaha~! ATTA GIRL, AMMY! Now let’s finish this up so we can go home!” Issun called from the balcony.
“WH-WHAT ARE YOU?” A now blinded Dainn shouted out, panic in his voice. “HOW ARE YOU CAPABLE OF THIS?”
Issun hopped up and down. “A little lesson bucko, for the future.” He grinned. “The next time you want to spout sexist limerick about… Make sure you don’t say it in front of a literal GODDESS~.”
The last thing Dainn remembered hearing was Amaterasu growling viciously before her those knives embedded in her maw tore into his Jugular. He would have been dead in seconds….
“Zero!”
Had it not been for this very cruel twist of fate.
His hands move to his throat as he collapses on his knees, gasping for air.
"...wow," Twilight responds, seeing how he looked, "she must've done a number on you, huh?"
He glares at her, hands moving to his side just to ball up into fists. "...just say the fucking spell so I can forget that bitch."
She just shrugs and crosses her arms. "Hero!"
Author's Note
Thanks to gantzGun for helping me write this!
Again, if you have any ideas for characters, please let me know! Oh, and I have a list with everyone of the characters I may have in the story on it. It's on GDocs, so I may link it next time.
Oh, and if you're a good writer, know a character well, and would like to write a chapter with me, I'm always up for it!
Thank you, and have a nice day!
One Thousand One Ways to Thwart a King
Nothing happens for the longest time after the word is said. It's as though the whole world has suddenly grown silent. The two of them look around, wondering why there's no sound, when the King just lets out a weary sigh.
"Guess that one was a dud." He turns his head, popping his neck as he takes a couple steps forward. "Too bad for you, bitch. Now, let's see…"
He trails off as the sound of drums reaches his ears, which turn to the source, soon followed by the rest of his head. There, he finds a pink bunny banging on a drum with two mallets, just rolling along in its dark shades and blue flip flops without a care in the world. As it passes by, he can see some kind of cylinder on its back, with the word Energizer written on it, and a picture of it on its drums.
Scoffing, he points at the creature, an eyebrow raised at Twilight. "This is your hero? What can it do to someone like me?"
The mare finds that she has no answer for that, and instead opts to watch as the rabbit circles the two of them.
"You know what? It doesn't matter." Dainn takes a step to the side, getting in the strange animal's way. "Not when I can eliminate it with a blast of magic." He narrows his eyes, horns charging up with energy-
Which suddenly dissipates with a rather embarrassing sputter.
Brows knitted together in confusion, he looks up at his head, ignoring how the rabbit changes course and passes by, knocking a mallet into his leg. To their shock, this pops open a compartment in his calf that neither pony nor caribou knew was there. He stares down at it in shock, an eye twitching slightly.
"What the fuck is SuperMagic?!"
Despite his shock, the bunny doesn't let up, smacking his knees with a twirl of its mallets as it moves between them, knocking his legs out from underneath him. As soon as he lands on his back, it comes back around and kicks him in the face.
"Zero."
Dainn blinks, tilting his head to one side in confusion. "...what just happened?"
"If I had to guess?" Twilight pulls out a pair of glasses and puts them on, tapping her chin thoughtfully. "We became subject to the rules of wherever it came from as soon as I summoned it." She holds up a finger, smiling slyly. "You lost the race because you couldn't compete. It just keeps going, and going, and going..."
"...that's stupid. You're stupid."
The alicorn just shrugs, shaking her head. "Believe whatever you want." She clears her throat and points her finger at him.
"Hero!"
Author's Note
Yeah, just a silly thing after binging videos from when I was young. Hope you enjoy reading it, regardless!
Oh, and there's actually a list for all the characters I might do, now.
Time (and maybe votes, I dunno) will only tell who I do next!
One Thousand One Ways to Thwart a King
B*TCH, I EAT PEOPLE! (Voted Chapter)
B*TCH, I EAT PEOPLE! (Voted Chapter)
Twilight's eye twitches, mouth agape in shock as she takes a step back, away from the caribou sneering at her. "...w-what?"
"What, you think I'm an idiot?" He sneers at her, eyes narrowed as he takes a step closer. "I saw you perform that damned spell twelve fucking times. I finally figured out how to cast it the last time." His eyes narrow and a sadistic grin forms on his lips as a roaring sound makes its way to his ears. "It seems thirteen is your unlucky number."
They both look up to see a machine falling down towards them, blasting music out of a couple speakers on its front . They both quickly panic, Twilight throwing up a shield and Dainn turning golden.
The device crashes between them in a fiery explosion, a lone being standing up from the wreckage as Twilight tries to cower behind the Crystal Heart. His gloved hand reaches up to straighten his wide-brimmed red hat, the matching cloak fluttering in the breeze. He glances around at the burning wreckage of the street, the shattered houses and the bemused caribou standing off to one side.
"Well, shit, how did I miss the ship? I'm not that bad at flying."
Dainn facepalms, groaning quietly. "Damn it, I got a retard…"
He suddenly finds himself lifted into the air, the being holding him by his neck. "I know you didn't just insult me. Don't you know who I am?"
"Not really, no." He draws his blade, slicing off the man's head. "Nor do I care. Fucking waste of energy…" He cracks his neck, slowly approaching where Twilight is hiding, eyes wide in horror. "What? Not going to run away? So be it." He stops when she points a shaky finger behind him, and is forcefully spun around, just to be face to face with the man once more.
He sneers at him, pulling out a metal L with a loop around the finger. "See, now I know you don't know who I am." He shoots his leg, causing the king to fall to a knee. "I'm Alucard. And you royally fucked up."
As his hands claw at the gloved one gripping his neck, Dainn finds his heart rate increasing. "H-how did you-"
"Fuck you, that's how."
"Alucard, kill him quick!" Twilight calls out from behind the pedistal. "He's the worst kind of evil! The kind who wants everyone else under his hoof!"
He looks at her, then back to the caribou. "...are you a nazi?"
The king's brow furrows in confusion. "Am I a what? No! I don't even know what that is!"
"Someone who bitches and moans about how the world isn't the way they want it, tries to suppress a group of people and convert others to their twisted way of thinking. Or, failing that, fights everyone who they think will be in their way, even when they're clearly out of their league." His grip tightens. "I'll ask again. Are. You. A fucking. Nazi?"
Dainn, unwilling to answer, just slugs him in the face, sending him flying back into one of the remaining houses and causing it to crumble. "Get away from me. You're worthless! You're supposed to be on my side, you sack of rancid dog shit!"
"Oh, you want to do this?" He grins toothily, a rather unnerving sight to both of the others. "You want to see what happens when you play with the big boys?"
The king just scoffs at this. "Please, I have the powers of a god, and you're just fast. What can you hope to do?"
Alucard stops his advance, frowning a bit. "You think you're a god? Really?"
"Really."
"Really? "
Dainn starts to look annoyed. "Really!"
The vampire suddenly snaps his head up to look at him, a slasher smile on his face. "REALLY?! "
Rather fed up now, the caribou steps forward, growling angrily. "REALLY!"
He raises his hands, forming a frame before his eye that he looks at the caribou through. "Release restraint, level one."
"Level what?" Though momentarily confused, his eyes widen as several red eyes show up all over Alucard's body. "...oh, shit."
A fluid black mass flies through the air and sheers of Dainn's arm, blood flying from the wound and spattering the ruins around them. His eye twitches as he looks down at the empty space where his humerus was attached to his shoulder. "...w-what…"
He shouts out in pain as his other arm gets cut off, followed quickly by his legs. He falls to the ground, nothing more than a head and a torso, his breaths coming quick and shallow. As he lays there bleeding, the man comes over, crouching in front of him.
"That seems like more than a scratch, if I do say so myself." When Dainn can only stare at him in fear, Alucard grips the front of his armor and yanks him upright. "What's the matter, god? Nothing to say? Yell at me! Fight me!" He leans in dangerously close, the grin from before returning. "Give me a hug."
HIs eyes widen in horror and he shakes his head fervently. "W-wait, no-!"
"Zero."
Dainn collapses on the ground, clearly in shock after what just happened. Even so, he manages to make out a single word through the haze that fills his senses.
"Hero!"
Author's Note
Was originally going to link this , but then I realized that the voices over the music was going to ruin the whole thing. So I didn't. And I left a link here, outside the story, for those of you who want to see it, anyways.
For the record, Alucard was the only one who got more than four points. He got five, in fact. I waited about a day and a half after the last vote before I started writing, and binged Hellsing Abridged just in case, but this guy is so freaking hard to pin down!
Let me know if you guys want to do another vote, or if you want to vote in the comments below!
Have a nice day!
One Thousand One Ways to Thwart a King
Hearing this, the king props himself up with one arm, staring up at a blonde man with a large, surprisingly angry grin on his face. He hardly has any time to react before he gets a fist slammed into his muzzle.
"UNITED STATES OF SMASH!"
He can feel his skull cave in for a brief moment before everything goes dark.
"Ze-"
"HERO!"
Dainn is on one knee, panting heavily from the pain he can still feel in his face. He blinks as a door suddenly appears before him, opening up to reveal a silver object made of metal pointed right at his face. His eyes dart up to see the man with white skin, green hair, and wearing a hawaiian shirt and camera around his neck-
Bang!
"Zero."
The caribou, starting to get a bit desperate, takes a step forward, his eye twitching. "Hero!"
A black mass oozes out of the earth, suddenly spearing him through the stomach and suspending him in the air. He feels a trail of blood escape out of the corner of his mouth before the darkness literally snaps closed around him.
"Ze-"
"Hero!"
A short man with spiky golden hair appears, both his hands thrust out in Dainn's direction. "FINAL FLASH!"
He can't say a thing as his whole world becomes bright yellow.
"Zero." Twilight's horn lights up, sealing the King's mouth shut. "Stop it. Get some help."
He narrows his eyes at her, his body heaving with unrelenting hatred for the mare.
"...well, can't say I didn't try." She shrugs, smiling wryly. "Hero."
Author's Note
In case it wasn't clear, this is the closest I'll ever get to an April Fool's joke chapter. Hope you guys enjoyed. For now, back to the actual next chapter!
One Thousand One Ways to Thwart a King
Get in the F*ck Box!
It isn't long before something happens - a ball of white light appears next to Twilight, slowly growing bigger as the two watch, up until the brightness hurts their eyes and they have to look away. The mare blinks the spots out of her eyes, then turns to look at the new arrival.
It is a short, fat grey blob, wearing a neon green and pink outfit, with yellow gloves. The tentacle on its head forms a pompadour and it has large holes on the sides of its head. Also, there is a green heart on the front and back of its pink top.
"...I'll be honest, I have no idea what the fuck I'm looking at."
Twilight sighs, shaking her head. "I guess he'll have to-" She cuts herself off, having realized something. "...wait, did you say that?"
Dainn just raises an eyebrow. "Say what?"
"Oh, shit, I think our NPC partner just heard us!"
"No way, clearly that was a mistake that made it into the Buu version of the storyline."
"She's pretty hot though."
"Whoa, when did you become a furry?"
"I'm not! Shut up!"
"...are you seriously just going to stand there and twitch your eyelid?" The king smirks slyly. "Your funeral." His fur immediately turns gold.
"Holy-! It's a furry saiyan!"
"I thought that was Oozaru?"
"And why so caught up on furries?"
"GRAH!" The caribou kicks the creature in the face, sending him flying right into Twilight and the both of them go flying into one of the supports of the castle.
"Guys, shut up and fight!"
The squat creature gets up and immediately zooms towards towards Dainn, attacking him with a flurry of punches that the king blocks with his staff.
"Trying! The fucker keeps blocking!"
"And the NPC does nothing. Of course."
Twilight furrows her brow, confused. "...NPC?"
"...okay, I know that wasn't a mistake."
"You don't know that! We could've heard her wrong!"
Frowning in annoyance, Twilight glances around before noticing the square of light in the sky. Eyes narrowed, she flies up to it and stares intently at it.
"Oh, shit, she's blocking the camera!"
"Just like that fucking nintendog in Smash Bros!"
"You played that game?"
"Who didn't?"
The alicorn sighs, shaking her head and looking into the box. "Greetings. My name is Twilight Sparkle."
"Twilight Barkle!"
"Wait, is she named after that shitty romance novel?"
"I thought it was a comedy?"
She throws her hands up into the air. "Okay, can you guys just tell me what's going on?"
"Can you get out of the way? You're making the health bar decrease."
She grits her teeth, but does so, moving down and tossing the king into the distance, just as he was about to slash at the creature.
"...okay, so maybe she isn't a completely useless partner."
"Yeah, but Dumplin doesn't need her!"
"Demon God Dumplin."
Twilight gives the box a bewildered stare before shaking her head and turning to Dumplin, as she assumed the short creature was, and cast a spell to heal him. "Might as well help them out."
"Woah, did she actually heal us? I thought we had to use items!"
"Guys? I think I just realized something bad."
"What?"
"Where the FUCK is his health bar?!"
There's a long period of silence where the two of them stand awkwardly, staring at each other.
"...scan them both."
"But we can see only one."
"Then scan her! "
"She's at… fifteen? Not bad."
"But not great, either. This was a special quest, after all."
"And the other guy is-"
They scream as the caribou suddenly appears right in front of Dumplin, making the mare clutch her head in agony. Then they both collide with each other once more, sending them flying through the air.
Twilight rights the both of them in the air, grumbling quietly. "You know what, let's just get to fighting. We'll sort… whatever this is out later."
"Sure."
"Don't respond to her! It!"
"Big Purple!"
The mare groans, rubbing the bridge of her nose between two fingers. "My name is Twilight…"
"Ah! She did it!"
She scowls at the box a second before she yelps, Dumplin suddenly rocketing away and slamming into Dainn, grabbing him and flinging him back and forth over his head, smashing him against the ground each time.
"Grappling? What about the fuckbox combo?"
"We don't know if he has super armor!"
"Then just fight him to find out!"
The creature lets go of him and, as he struggles to get up, he starts wailing on him. Surprisingly, the king growls and sends him flying with a backhand.
"Shit! Super armor!"
"No worries! I'm sure our partner will- oh, who am I-"
He's cut off as Twilight flies right into Dainn's chest, grabbing him by the chestpiece and flying straight up towards the castle.
"...uh. Huh."
"I think they broke Lani."
She starts spinning and then lets him go, followed by a large beam of magic that strikes him square in the chest, sending him flying off into the distance. "Listen, I don't know who you all are, but we need to keep him away from the Crystal Heart. There's no telling what he'll do with it."
"Why would you want a crystal heart when we've got a steel one right here?"
"Don't you mean jelly?"
"I don't even know."
She turns and glares at the box, which she notices is in a different spot. "Are you guys even listening? He might try to take over your mind, or even get stronger! We-"
"Are kinda late."
Tensing up, Twilight turns and stares in shock, as the king nears the Heart. "No!"
"I got it!"
Dumplin leaps in front of the caribou, holding up his hands in a triangle in front of his face as both he and the guys speak at once. "Advanced Geometry!"
"...what?"
The blast knocks Dainn to the ground, then further and further into the crystal road with each successive blow.
"Get in the ground!"
"Get in the Fuck Box!"
Eventually, the blast wears off, and a voice comes out of the hole. "Are you done? Because if I get out of this hole, and you do that again, then so help me, I will tear you a new one! "
"...that wasn't even close. Two out of ten."
"Well, we have another trick up our sleeve."
"Better hurry up, he's getting close!"
Dumplin sneers and holds his hands out in front of him. "Last Blast!"
"Wow, that was a face."
Dainn gets hit with the blast, knocking him into the support pillar of the castle.
"Get him!"
In the three seconds that the attack is active, his color fades from gold to brown, then to black as it starts to cook him.
"...wow, I didn't think Xenoverse had battle damage."
"It doesn't!"
"Who cares? We won!"
"...cheat trick."
Twilight, who had flown down next to Dumplin, immediately tenses up. "...shoot… I thought we got him..."
"Guys? I think we have a problem."
"Guys. Wait what?"
"The controller's not responding."
"Shit!"
Dainn stands up and gives a cruel smile. "You just made my shit list, you little puke." He charges forward, his fist pulled back. "Prepare to die!"
Twilight closes her eyes, bracing herself for the hit…
...which never comes, instead a powerful breeze blowing past her face.
She peeks open her eyes and sees bright colors filling her vision. It only takes her a moment to realize that the strange being is in front of her.
She hears a deep chuckle, followed by a voice that's scratchy yet endearing. "My turn."
Author's Note
There is going to be a part two.
Also, to clarify for those who don't know: This is Dumplin, who is the main character in the TFS Plays Xenoverse series on YouTube. They are a group of at least three people, Grant, Lanipator, and Kirran... if I'm remembering correctly, anyways.
One Thousand One Ways to Thwart a King
Dainn cracks his neck as his fur slowly returns to gold, making Twilight flinch a bit at the sickening noise.
"Damn, who had to make that noise in the booth?"
"I think they just smashed a piece of wood or brick with a sledgehammer."
"Well, I think- oh shit, look at him go!"
The alicorn blinks, looking at the scene before her with jaw agape. The two of them are clashing at high speeds, the very crystals of the ground and buildings shaking with every collision, every blow. Dumplin and Dainn eventually stop, grabbing at the other's wrists to try and put him into a grapple.
"Wow, this scene is amazing! And it blended into the gameplay so well!"
"...who are you and what did you do with my friend?"
Twilight takes this opportunity to sneak up behind him and clock him in the skull with her staff. Instead of becoming stunned, he just growls and swings the Buu like a flail, forcing her to teleport out of the way and instead get him in a chokehold.
He claws at her arms, growling angrily and trying to turn and get out of the grip, his wings flailing uselessly at his sides.
All she does is smile at him. "You left yourself wide open."
Before he can ask for clarification, he sees the plump being in front of him holding a finger up to his forehead. He narrows his eyes in confusion.
"Oh, shit! Look out, he's stealing from Piccolo!"
"We didn't equip that move. Did we ever even learn it?"
He suddenly points the finger at Dainn, grinning wickedly. "Makankōsappō!"
"Oh, so that's how you pronounce it."
"WHAT THE F-" He feels the presence behind him vanish just before the beam strikes him in the chest. His eyes open wide as he can practically feel it drilling a hole through his heart, and right out through his back.
The king falls to his knees, grunting painfully. "H-how… what was that attack?"
"You know, you could've flown."
Of course, Dainn doesn't hear this, his consciousness fading as he collapses onto his face.
"She should've been shot, too."
"Zero."
Dainn falls backwards, groaning quietly.
Twilight just gives him a stare that shows how little compassion she feels for him. "You think you feel bad? You didn't have to worry about voices in your head." She gets a questioning groan in response, and then shrugs. "Hero."
One Thousand One Ways to Thwart a King
I will tear the world asunder!
A pillar of light shines down beside Twilight, a curved blade poking out of each side before it dies down. When she can see the being clearly, the alicorn nearly takes a step back, shocked to see, not the anthropomorphic crocodile, but the sinewy arms flexed, clamping their claws to their head.
It takes a few seconds, but those arms slowly lower, red eyes slowly opening to look at the land around him. Him, as his armor covers only his lower half and the top of his head. Him, because the deep voice he spoke with could only belong to a man.
"I'm… free." His gaze turns to the mare beside him, then to the caribou facing opposite them. "More Ascended? This is surprising."
"I am not this Ascended you speak of," Dainn says, scowling as he raises his staff. "I am above that. I am a ruler, destined to make everyone else grovel beneath my hoof!"
The crocodile frowns, fists clenching. "Another pretender, who only cares for the throne and not the responsibility." He glares at Twilight, who flinches. "Who are you?"
"I'm Princess Twilight. I was sent here to stop him from enslaving my country, my… friends…"
He nods, pulling the blade off his back. "I am Renekton, Gatekeeper of Shurima, the Butcher of the Sands!" His gaze narrows at the king. "You'll find no victory here."
Schlick.
His body shakes, and his gaze falls to the blade embedded in his arm.
"It appears that you're all… eh?"
The croc's other arm grips the weapon and wrenches it free, flinging it off somewhere among the houses. "What pathetic attack was that?" He raises the injured arm, weapon glinting in the light. "Let me show you how it's done."
He slashes the crescent axe across Dainn's chest, then downwards again the opposite direction. As he raises the blade a third time, he pauses, noticing the wounds he inflicted sealing themselves. “...a regenerating enemy.” He scoffs and finishes the slash, sending the caribou stumbling back in a daze. "Good. More agony to deal!"
Twilight’s magic envelops Dainn, holding him in place as Renekton leaps forward head first, spinning his blade in a corkscrew before dashing back in much the same manner. The king grunts in pain as the second pass rips out a large chunk of his armor, leaving him bare-chested. He quickly grabs the crocodile’s jaws as they try to snap closed around him, magic flooding his arms as he struggles to keep the butcher from gaining another inch.
A swift kick to the gut sends him tumbling away, only for Twilight to rush in and smack him across the face with her staff. That blow, while not the strongest, is more than enough to stagger him, setting him up for the ice beam to the chest.
Before anything else can be done, on Twilight’s side or the side of the frozen conqueror, the ground shakes, a large shape landing between the two of them. Renekton stands, towering over the two of them but only glaring at the immobile tyrant. His sharpened teeth are revealed as he gives a malicious grin, turning slightly. This gives the alicorn just enough warning that she teleports out of the way.
The blade makes a complete circle as he swings it around, the latter half of it Crimson red. Renekton watches in satisfaction as Dainn’s hands fall to the ground, followed by his torso slowly sliding backwards along the cut.
The caribou can see Twilight put something on the general’s open palm before he tips over, landing right behind his own frozen legs.
“Zero.”
Dainn blinks, realizing that, while he’s looking up at the sky once more, he can no longer see his legs towering over him. He quickly scrambles to his hooves, slamming his staff into the crystal road and glaring at her. “You… what… what did you give him?”
“I could tell he was troubled, how relieved he was to be ‘free’,” she explains. “So I gave him something to ease his psychological burden.”
“...drugs?”
She bristles. “Wh- no! Where did you get that idea from?!”
He shrugs. “Hey, I understand, you don’t need to act innocent around me. It’s not like you’d stay that way, anyways.”
“He-” She gags, clutching at her throat as magic envelops it.
Dainn gives her a sinister sneer. “Hero.”
Author's Note
Sorry it's been a while. Work and sleep have been taking up most of my time.
Anyways, this is supposed to be Renekton from before he went crazy.
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One Thousand One Ways to Thwart a King
When you learn the whole truth...what kind of despair will you show me?
The door of the castle slammed open, drawing the attention of both of them. Their gazes met nothing but air for a moment before falling downwards, landing on a stuffed bear.
Dual-colored, the white side of the bear looked innocuous enough, with a button eye and small smile. Its left side, however, was almost the exact opposite, with a glowing red eye in the shape of a bat wing and an unsettling grin that stretched beyond the eye. Its paws lay on its white belly, just shy of the protruding belly button as it looks at them.
“Well, now! Look what we have here!” The voice, high pitched, carefree, leaves Twilight shivering from the malicious undertones. “Two rulebreakers decided they wanted to be punished!”
Twilight’s mind ground to a halt, trying and failing to parse the meaning behind its words. “What do you mean?” She glances at Dainn, noticing that he only frowns at the bear.
“Exactly what I said! Two rulebreakers, two people who were so desperate to leave their situation that they decided to kidnap little ol’ me!” It points at Twilight. “An example must be made!”
The caribou snorts, crossing his arms. “Like it matters. You have no power here.”
Twilight quietly swallows, arms crossing protectively over her chest. “And we didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Bzzt! Wrong!” The bear points at him now. “I am the headmaster, and I need to be back with my students! You two pulled me away from my duties!”
He laughs and turns away. “I can’t maintain the peace if I’m not there! I just never thought I’d have to make a rule about it!” He frowns, rubbing his paw on his chin. “Now, how to punish those who can come back to life? Physical won’t work…” He drops one paw into the other, beaming brightly. “So it has to be psychological!”
The alicorn takes a step back, her heart hammering in her chest. “P-punish?”
“Of course! Anyone who disturbs the peace must have their due punishment!” The bear cackles. “But let it be known Monokuma can be merciful! I’ll punish you both at the same time!” He turns so that his dark side obscures his light side. “All you have do is hold out longer than the other.”
“Wait, but-!”
Twilight’s protest is cut short by the sound of a buzz saw. She turns left to see Dainn’s horns fall to the crystal pavement, and a claw headed her way. Her hands raise to stop it, but it slips past, sliding a ring down over her horn.
“Can’t have you escaping, now!” Monokuma chimes, wagging a paw at them. “Puhuhu! Have fun!”
Two more claws appear, exiting opposite legs of the crystal palace to clamp down on their throats and drag them away. The last thing she sees before the door closes is Dainn’s glare of determination.
Game Over
Twilight Sparkle is found guilty!
Time for the punishment!
Twilight slams into a chair, separate binds coming out and locking her wrists to her thighs and her torso upright against the backrest. Dazed, she barely notices a desk being shoved in place before her and her seat slowly moving backwards.
Blinking a couple times, she glances down past the wooden surface to see a conveyor belt, not moving at all from her point of view. Realizing that she’s on it, she tries turning her head to look behind her. She catches a hint of gears, and even more desks off to the side.
Motion from in front of her draws her attention, and she looks forward, seeing Monokuma pull up with a chalkboard detailing some sort of machine. The gears on the side look rather familiar, and-
Thump.
Her ear twitches. That noise was coming from behind her. Her heart sinks to her stomach as she realizes the machine in the diagram looks an awful lot like a mechanical press.
Thump.
After School Lesson
Ultimate Scholar Twilight Sparkle’s Execution: Executed
Thump.
Twilight swallows, the saliva not helping in the least with the dryness in her throat. Her hands clench tight on her knees, turning white from the intensity.
Thump.
She refuses to turn around. No, it’s the binds, they’re stopping her from doing so. It’s not that she doesn’t want to face the actual machine.
Thump.
Her vision becomes blurry, the circle and squiggles on the board becoming indistinguishable. Her horn stays dim in defiance of her desires.
Thump.
This isn’t fair. Dainn was so much worse than she was. She was protecting her family, her friends, her nation!
Thump.
The tears flow freely, her body shaking with her sobs as the reality of her situation hits her. She was about to be crushed like an apple being made into cider.
Thump.
Her heart hammers in her chest. How much longer did she have? Was Dainn going through the same punishment?
Thump.
How was she supposed to survive if they were in the exact same situation? Would they both just die, feeling the pain as their heads are shoved into their bodies?
Thump.
Would they even feel the pain? Her mind flashes to her friends, wondering not for the first time if each of these is a separate timeline.
Thump.
Would they know what happened to her? They’d be heartbroken if they found out. She was heartbroken just thinking about it.
Thump.
And what about Monokuma? Would he just be loose in the world, free to do whatever he saw fun and fit?
Thump.
Her heart clenched, fear overtaking her as she thought about her friends having to face this creature without her. Why couldn’t Dainn have just left them alone? None of this would have happened if he hadn’t shown up in their lives!
...why was it suddenly silent?
Hazarding a guess, Twilight slowly inclined her head until she was looking straight up. All the tension left her body as she saw the giant machine above her, motionless. Dainn had succumbed to his punishment first.
A spike of guilt struck her chest, realizing that she was glad he was dead. Then a part of her wondered why the cycle hadn’t restarted yet.
Her head fell forward and she saw Monokuma standing there, staring at her thoughtfully. Her eyes followed his paw as it moved towards a big red button on the podium beside him.
Her relief gave way to pure, unadulterated despair as he pressed it.
Splat.
“Zero.”
The instant the word was said, the two of them collapsed onto the ground, their bodies refusing to respond, refusing to acknowledge that they could be back from such a brutal death. Twilight lifts her chin, groaning as she stares at the fallen form of the conqueror. “...he lied.”
Dainn groaned, slowly propping himself on an elbow. “...what?”
“He never intended to let us live,” she says, carefully pushing herself up.
He is silent for a moment, then rubs his face with a hand. “...he never said we would live, did he?”
Twilight blinks, racking her mind for what he had said. “...I can’t remember.” Her gaze falls on him again. “...what even happened with you?”
Dainn growls, baring his teeth. “I refuse to talk about it.”
“But-”
“Hero!”
Author's Note
Sorry this took so long. Life has been difficult, and then I had the bright idea to do a Danganronpa chapter.
Did you know Monokuma is actually really hard to write for? I was struggling to get this chapter done.
That said, I could really use help with the next one. Does anyone know JJBA?
Until next time, Enigma.
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One Thousand One Ways to Thwart a King
...A Little More Action (or The Wisdom of Solomon)
For a moment, nothing happens. The two of them look around the field, their brows furrowing slightly.
"Is that it?" Dainn smirks slyly at her. "What a waste of a spell. And that was meant to keep you safe from me?"
Twilight's eyes narrow at him, her mouth opening to reply when a comic book flies right into her face. Sputtering a bit, she pulls it off, glowering at the mockery of true literature when she takes notice of the drawing on the front, of a child in a red sweater and blue jeans. What concerned her the most about this picture is the fact that the child didn't seem to be a pony at all, or even a species known to most of ponykind. What kind of Equestrian comic doesn't feature at least a dragon as their protagonist? Maybe it came from the mirror?
Then it began to glow.
With a yelp, she drops it on the ground, the child practically tumbling from the pages. He looks around, shivering a bit from the sudden change in temperature. Rubbing his arms, he looks between the two of them before turning back to Twilight, his eye twitching a bit. "Why is that guy naked?" His eyes dart upwards for a moment. "...do you have a horn?"
She glances up, then looks at him, concerned. "...yes?"
"Is this a farce?" The king growls angrily, stepping towards the two of them. "That spell brings a character to life? Is that it?" He points a finger at the two of them. "I'll kill you and the stupid brat, your use as a prize slut be damned."
Before Twilight can even think to become irate at this, the boy sighs and stands, taking a few steps towards the taller caribou. "Alright, that clears things up. You're the bad guy, and a particularly bad one, at that."
"I am a king. I do what I need to for my country." He scoffs, looking down condescendingly at the boy. "Not that a runt like you would understand. Tell me who you are so I can forget it after you're dead."
His eyes narrow, and he gives a cocky smirk in return. "Shazam!"
Before any of them can ask for clarification, a bolt of lightning strikes him square in the chest, causing them to jump back and look to the skies for the cloud and pegasus responsible. The search comes up empty, but the caribou stopped looking a few seconds in, lifted up by the chestplate, a being matching his stature the one suspending him against his will.
His eyes look at Dainn, the confident smile naturally on his lips faltering the slightest bit. "You really think this is the right course of action. That taking over everything like this and treating the females of this world like this will make things better for your subjects." He draws him close, scowling a bit. "You'd be wrong. And you're sick."
"Who are you to call me sick?" The king sneers at the man in red, his hands gripping the arm holding him up hard enough for the human to flinch. "It's these ponies that are sick, letting a pair of bitches rule over them. Telling them what love is." He spits these words as though the very taste of them on his tongue is like the strongest acid eating through his maw. A brown furry fist slams into the man's face with the force of a train, causing him to stagger back a bit. His grip holds steady, however, and his expression only hardens.
"I don't care what you think." He lifts him up above his head, his other hand bracing him by his belly. "They did nothing wrong, and you are in the wrong." His face becomes set in stone as he opens his mouth. "SHAZAM!"
A lightning bolt shoots down from the clear blue sky, and he swiftly turns to intercept it with the body in his hands, causing Dainn to cry out in pain from the electricity coursing through his body. "SHAZAM!" Another bolt, another yelp. This continues for a bit, shouting and striking in a cycle, before the king turns himself over, making the man be struck instead, transforming him back into a kid.
Realizing this, the boy opens his mouth once more. "SHAZ-Ack!" His eyes grow wide as he claws at the hand clasped tight around his throat.
"Shut up and die, traitorous scum." Dainn snorts derisively. "You betray your own kind with your mare-loving actions." He draws his fist back to punch, but is instead blinded by a flash of light. Blinking his eyes a few times, the armored ruler turns back to a stunned Twilight, scowling deeply as he notices the sparks arcing across her horn. "You missed."
"You'd think that."
Startled, he lets go of the boy and turns to face him, wide-eyed in horror as the kid was replaced by the cloaked man from before, rage filling the hero's expression. "N-no. How did-"
He gets punched in the throat, silencing him and making him gag reflexively. "Quiet. I thought there was a chance to save you." He picks him up by the horns, lifting him in the air with ease. "But you never had any compassion, did you? Anything that would've made you even the slightest bit redeemable." He scoffs quietly. "I don't want to take a life… but with the power you have, being able to withstand so much magic, and how innately insane you are… I don't know if I even have a choice."
"Heh… you think you can kill me?" He grits his teeth, voice rasping, even as the cloaked figure places a hand on his shoulder. "Go ahead and try. My sons will do whatever they can to take over this country. Your actions are meaningless, hero ."
As soon as he finishes his sentence, the sound of breaking bones fills his ears, as well as the sound of a magic beam, but he feels nothing but the blackness of the void swallowing him.
"Zero."
Dainn blinks, looking around himself in confusion as a familiar chill flows through his body. The alicorn across from him apparently feels it too, as she stops what she's doing to stare at him and their surroundings, baffled.
"...what?"
One Thousand One Ways to Thwart a King
I Pierced His Stomach and He Died Forever
A pony immediately appeared next to Twilight. He was quadrupedal, had wings, a horn, and a pair of slitted eyes, much like Spike's, but of the opposite color. His body was black and red, with zebra markings and a messy, dual-colored mane and tail.
The purple pony took one look at him, turned back to Dainn and silently walked over. He could only watch in confusion as she took his staff, exposed the enchanted blade, and swung it swiftly. He only had the opportunity to notice that everything had turned upside down before things faded to black again.
"Zero."
He exhales sharply, glaring daggers at the pony who just beheaded him. She returns the look with a flat stare. "Trust me, it was for the best."
The king cocks an eyebrow. "Do you even know who that was?"
"No, and I intend to keep it that way. Hero!"
Author's Note
Watching Lost Narrator's Blooper Reel made me make this.
View Online
One Thousand One Ways to Thwart a King
Never Did I Dream That I Would Encounter My Destined Partner by Charging into a Crossroads at Full Speed!
His self-reflection is interrupted by something incredibly soft hitting the side of his face at a high speed, sending him flying. He crashes across the ground and collides with a building, sending it crashing down on him. "...what?"
He gets up, shaking off the debris, looking over at the one who sent him flying, and is immediately distracted by the massive bust of the being. "...each of those is bigger than her head. What the fuck?"
"Foul fiend!" He finds a sword pointed at his nose, which he can immediately tell is not real by the texture. "Let thy gaze wander once more and I'll slay thee!"
Twilight's eye twitches slightly. "...I don't even know with this one. Why did it have to be a centaur? Where did a female centaur even come from? I've never heard of such a thing."
Dainn points a finger at the mare. "Shut up." He then turns to poke the sword away. "Listen, I don't know who you are, but you're obviously outmatched."
She snorts in annoyance. "Neigh, thou are not a slime, nor do thee have silk threads. I can handle myself quite well."
"...did you just neigh? Really?" He sighs, smacking the side of her head with his staff. "Leave me alone. I'm still-" He gets cut off as her sword slashes through the air, and he feels a sharp sensation on his chest, followed by a growing wetness in his fur.
His body twitching, he draws enough courage to look down at his chest, and the wound on his torso. "...h-how the fuck…" He collapses to his knees and falls onto his back, passing out from blood loss.
"Zero."
The king falls on his face, groaning quietly. "...that sword was foam… how did it cut me?"
"I… really don't know." She shrugs and smirks playfully. "It was nice to see you cut down, like that." He groans in response. "Hero!"
Author's Note
If you couldn't tell, I'm starting to have issues, mostly stemming from a lack of free time, lately. If anyone can help - mostly by collaborating or helping me to figure out how a character would act - I really would appreciate it, since I need it. Thanks, and I hope you enjoy this chapter, as short as it is.
