Dear Princess Celestia...
So... it’s been kind of a while since I last wrote to you. I mean, this time we don’t have my little journal, so you can’t exactly reply to me right away, but luckily I borrowed Spike here to send you a letter for me. I figure that’s for the best because, haha, you probably already know what happened, but I really feel that I should give you my version of the events.
Just to be clear, though, this time everything really, really was not my fault. Honest.
Right. Where do I begin? I guess you already know that my class was holding a little reunion in Canterlot. I mean, I hadn’t seen any of them in years, so naturally I had to attend, right? And this time, I brought Twilight with me as my plus-one.
Before I continue, I really wanna say how grateful I am that, even though you had to rush off to Saddle Arabia for another state visit (~~at least this one went off without a hitch, right?~~ Sorry. That was tasteless of me), you still consented to letting us hold our reunion in the palace gardens, especially after what happened during my last class gathering. I mean, Twilight wasn't exactly thrilled that the reunion was going to be at the same place, but I was absolutely sure that everything would be very respectable and normal.
Yeah.
Well anyway, Twilight and I were staying at her old observatory quarters, so it wasn’t hard for us to make our way to the gardens that evening when we bumped into Princess Cadance’s group in the hallways. Apparently, their daughter’s Crystaller was attending the reunion, so they all decided to drop by with him and show the new King of the Changelings around the place. I wanted to say hi to Sunburst (and his plus-one, Starlight Glimmer, who is like, Twilight’s roommate or something. Small world, huh?) so I went up and introduced myself.
"Actually, I already know who you are, Sunset Shimmer."
Sunset looked surprised. "You do?"
"Oh, yes," replied Thorax. "Every changeling does. Years ago, scouts returned from Equestria with reports of an enormous explosion of love energy. It was what convinced Chrysalis that Equestria has more love than anywhere else. We traced that explosion to a social event centered at Canterlot palace..."
"Wait, are you saying that you all decided to invade Equestria because of my last class party?"
"Well, not directly... but yes."
"Gosh, that's fascinating." said Sunburst. "I had actually been tracing the effects of that surge of emotional energy. My own studies of the Crystal Heart indicate that it had been drained of power after nearly a millennium of inactivity, so I theorized that it had been reactivated by that very same explosion, which allowed the Empire to eventually rematerialize!"
"What."
"Great..." Twilight glared angrily at Cadance, Sunburst, Shining Armor and most of all, Sunset. "You guys humped the Crystal Empire back into reality. I hope you're all really proud of yourselves."
Starlight looked at the each of the ponies in turn. "Uh, is there something I'm missing, here?"
"I'll explain later, Starlight," said Cadance cheerfully.
***
"Eheheh..." Sunset grinned sheepishly, desperately thinking of a way to change the subject. "Oh hey, look over there, it's Jet Set and Upper Crust!"
The group all turned to see another pair of unicorns walking out from the palace.
"Sunset. I thought you disappeared." Jet Set adjusted his glasses and frowned. "Just as well we decided to leave early."
"Hello, Jet Set," said Sunset, looking a little offended. "Just what is that supposed to mean?"
Upper Crust smirked. "It's nothing personal. I'm sure you're aware that with the upcoming parliamentary elections, Jet is under a lot more scrutiny than usual. He can hardly be associated with your brand of... debauchery when he inevitably wins."
"I dunno," said Sunset grumpily. "Both of you seemed to be very associated with 'my kind of debauchery' the last time I saw you."
Jet Set coughed nervously. "Ahaha. I trust that you will keep that confidential betwe..."
"Very publicly associated, in fact."
"Oh, look at the time! We really must get going. Don't forget to vote for me, by the way! After all, I am the best hope of protecting our precious traditions from the encroachment of all those filthy Griffonstone refugees!"
Sunset watched as the two haughtily made their way out. "Why would anypony want him as Prime Minister?"
Cadance rolled her eyes. "Because the other candidate is even worse. You should feel lucky, Sunset. You get to run away to another dimension while the rest of us have to choose between two utter plotholes to lead the government. Luckily Princess Celestia is pretty good at curbing the worst of their stupidity."
"Is it really that bad?" asked Sunset.
"Let me put it this way," said Twilight. "You're in high school right now, right?"
"Yes..."
"Have you ever heard of a high school in Equestria?"
"Uh." Sunset thought hard. "Doesn't Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns kind of count?"
"Not everypony is a Gifted Unicorn, Sunset."
"Oh. Right."
"That's how the government handles education. Now imagine how they handle the rest of it."
There’s something I really feel I should tell you before we go any further. See, one of those who happened to crash my last party years ago was this (at the time) Wonderbolt trainee named Surprise. When things started to get pretty crazy at that party – I mean, by then we were all drunk and stoned out of our wits – she kinda dared me to do something extra-awesome.
I’m mentioning this because right after Jet Set left us, I bumped into another old friend of mine. See, I totally roped her into my little stunt all the way back when, and I might have left her behind after teleporting off to pick up a little party favor.
“YOU LEFT TRIXIE STRANDED IN TARTARUS!”
"TRIXIE?!" said every pony in the group simultaneously.
"Wait, why are you even here today?" asked Sunset. "You're not even in my class!"
"Trixie has a score to settle with you, Sunset Shimmer!" said Trixie, completely ignoring the question. "Years ago, Trixie volunteered to help you with your little dare, but once you got what you needed, you forgot all about me!"
"Oh." Sunset cringed. "Err, no hard feelings?"
"Trixie went through hell because of you! LITERALLY!"
"...Guess not."
"Trixie was expelled for your stunt after you disappeared!"
"Oof."
"And worst of all..." Trixie stomped her hooves in frustration, screaming, "TRIXIE MISSED OUT ON THE BEST PART OF THE PARTY!"
"Again with the party?" said Starlight flatly. "Okay seriously, somepony needs to tell me what that is all about."
Trixie raised an eyebrow. "You don't know? Years ago, Sunset threw the greatest party Equestria had ever seen. Everypony got laid, EXCEPT FOR TRIXIE!"
"Wait, everypony? Starlight smirked and glanced at Sunburst. "No other exceptions?"
Sunburst laughed nervously. "Well, I mean, everypony was drunk and... euphoric. I'm not made of stone, you know. And right after Sunset came back, I started talking to Surprise..."
"Woah!" said Sunset. "You hooked up with a Wonderbolt?"
"She was actually just a trainee at the time. We dated for about a couple of years, but she dumped me when her career started taking off."
Sunset grinned. "Heh. Good pun!"
"Pun?"
"Wait," said Starlight, grinding her teeth together. "Wait wait wait. That was about the time you stopped writing to me. Did... did you forget about me just because you got yourself a marefriend?"
"Oh, dear."
***
Twilight turned away from the two ponies to face Sunset.
"Why exactly did you run off to Tartarus in the middle of your party?" she asked, suspiciously.
"Oh hey, it's getting late," said Sunset hurriedly. "We'd better get to the reunion soon..."
"No, you're not getting out of this one. What were you and Trixie doing in Tartarus?"
"Okay, okay. Just remember that I was really, really not in a proper state of mind when it happened. Not to mention the fact that Surprise kind of just made me put my pride on the line. It was a double diamond dog dare. I mean, I couldn't just let that slide..."
"Sunset." Twilight's tone made it very clear she would tolerate precisely zero additional stalling.
"Well... I had to show that I wasn't afraid of anything, and I mean I wasn't about to wreck anything else at the palace, so I kinda asked Trixie to go with me to Tartarus and steal..." Sunset sighed. "Cerberus."
"WHAT?"
"Look, it was only supposed to be for a little while, just to show off! How was I supposed to know that he'd run away the moment I teleported him back to the palace?"
Twilight opened her mouth to say something, stopped, started and then stopped again. It took a few seconds of her fuming at the ground before she closed her eyes and began breathing deeply in an attempt to calm herself down.
Sunset whimpered.
Eventually Twilight opened her eyes again.
“Well, Sunset. Let’s recap. Your ‘little party’ was what weakened Discord’s imprisonment, provoked both Changeling invasions, brought back the Crystal Empire and King Sombra, caused Cerberus to go missing, allowing Tirek, the Bugbear and goodness-knows-what-else to escape, and made Starlight think she lost her best friend, so she went off on her campaign to erase all cutie-marks and later nearly wipe out all of history. I suppose all that makes triggering a years-long diplomatic standoff with Yakyakistan seem mild in comparison!
“Congratulations! Excepting the return of Nightmare Moon, you are personally responsible for every single major catastrophe to befall this nation in the last ten years, which by default makes you the greatest supervillain Equestria has ever known.”
Whoops.
So, I figure I should take the opportunity to admit that the whole thing with Cerberus was actually kind of my fault, and Twilight and I would be really grateful if you could have Trixie’s expulsion repealed so that she can finally graduate.
Okay, no doubt you’re wondering what all this has to do with anything. I’m getting to that.
"Whew, we're finally here." Sunset breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank goodness."
"Oh yes," replied Sunburst. They both glanced at their respective plus-ones, who returned their looks with irate glares.
Sunset groaned. She turned the handles to the large double-doors and pushed them open.
A thousand pairs of eyes turned towards her at the same time.
***
Sunset's jaw dropped open. "This... this is a lot more than just our class."
Cadance trotted up. "How unexpected. Why, whatever could be happening?"
A mint-green unicorn emerged from the assembled crowd, along with a pale yellow earth-pony with a two-toned blue and fuchsia mane.
A look of shock covered Twilight's face. "Lyra? Bon Bon?"
"Hi, Twilight! Bon Bon here helped me organize this whole thing. Can you believe that we met years ago at a party right here? I was a first-year student at CSGU and she was hanging around the palace for... some reason or other-"
Twilight glanced at Bon Bon, who was trying very hard to whistle nonchalantly.
"-so we thought we'd help out with their class reunion. Only... well, it seems that I might have accidentally made an error in the catering order."
Sunset narrowed her eyes. "You don't say."
"And hey, we didn't wanna waste all the food, so we thought it might be a good idea to invite everypony who was studying in CSGU at the time."
"Riiiiight. And I suppose all these guards were invited too?"
"Oh, no," said Shining Armor. "I thought King Thorax might want to meet my former Guard buddies, so I asked them to drop by."
"All..." Sunset's lips moved very quickly, "two hundred and fourteen of them."
Twilight groaned. "You too, Shiney?"
A white earth pony with thick glasses cleared her throat.
"I'd like to state for the record that I just happened to be taking a walk around the gardens..."
Twilight raised an eyebrow. "Uh, Raven? Raven Inkwell? Aren't you Princess Celestia's secretary?"
"Ah, yes. I just happened to have a free spot on my schedule, since Princess Celestia had to rush off to Saddle Arabia on short notice for her State Visit."
In retrospect, I really ought to have suspected something the moment I saw Cadance with Sunburst.
"Did the entire palace staff also just happen to take a walk at the same time?"
There was a chorus of affirmation and nods. Sunset groaned again.
"Anyway..." said Cadance, grinning, "guess what we brought back from our last trip to South Haysia!"
I totally tried to get out of it, I swear.
"L-look, I can't do that sorta thing now. I'm in a committed relationship! My crazy partying days are behind me!"
Cadance's grin didn't falter. "Don't be silly, Sunset. If you really want to join us, all you need is permission!"
All eyes turned towards Twilight.
"What, seriously?" She looked around. "You're really gonna pin this whole thing on me?"
"Of course not, Twilight. If you don't want to, you and Sunset can go back home and I'll do the spell. But I do want you to consider this: years from now, ponies will remember tonight as the party to end all parties. Because this time we've got both Pinkie Pie and Cheese Sandwich to help out!"
"WHAT?!"
"Hi Twilight!" Pinkie waved at her from behind a table covered in jello shots. "Surprise!"
"Did somepony call me?" asked a bright yellow pegasus in a Wonderbolts flightsuit.
"Oh, gosh," said Sunburst, trying his best to remain invisible.
Cadance grinned. "Plus, Trixie's going to do her magic act, and-"
"TRIXIE REFUSES TO MISS THE FUN THIS TIME!"
"Well, there you go. Applethorn's already been bound and gagged and we've had the wine up here since this morning, ready to be poured into the garden fountains. With Cheese Sandwich's help, we've an actual butter mountain this time! Both DJ-PON3 and Lemon Zest are playing music, and we've ordered enough condoms to cover Manehattan. So, what do you say?"
Sunset glanced over at Twilight, smiling pleadingly. "Pleeeeeeeease?"
Twilight looked around. Everypony was smiling at her encouragingly, and even Pinkie was giving her a knowing wink.
She sighed in defeat. “Okay, fine.”
Best. Marefriend. Ever.
Which leads us to the main issue. You see, very soon after the party started, one of the guards mentioned that after the last party, you put in a law requiring us to get royal permission to hold any kind of entertainment celebration of that size. Of course, I was a little miffed that they hadn't already done all that, even if by then we were pretty much crazy high and drunk. Luckily the palace was filled with civil servants whose entire job is to do this kind of thing, so we went to look for Raven to get the proper forms.
It wasn’t easy. We had to pry her out from between two Royal Guards.
“Hey Raven, could we get a form to regish…regishter a party?”
“Huh? Oh yeah, sure. Here you go. Can I get back to having fun now?”
“Sure, go’won. Woah. Twilight, any idea why thi’sh wants me to provide two character references?”
“Psh, lemme… lemme see that. Heehee! Tha’sh… tha’sh easy. Cadance an’ I can sign it for ya! Nopony’s gonna question two princesses!”
“Woo, thanks! Uhh... says here we need to *hic* give... give our party a name."
"Well, this i'sh a Drunk Shexy... sex Party..."
"'Kay. There’s a whole bunch of spaces askin’ us to put in repre… represhentati… ponies from each region of Equestria.”
“Mebbe i’sh for tax purposes. Whatever. Yer from Canterlot anyway, right, Sun'shet?”
“Ye'sh? Trixie’s from Neigh Orlean’sh, an’ Surprise is from Cloudsdale...*hic!* Sunbursht lives in the Crystal Empire, an' I think we can put Lyra under Ponyville…”
I mean, I guess it did feel kind of odd, but we were totally addled out of our wits, so we didn’t think too much of it. Anyway you pretty much know what happened next.
So… that brings me to the whole point of my letter. I think I’m supposed to go meet you at the palace to kiss hooves and accept my new appointment at four o'clock, so I really hope that you won't be too mad at me by then.
P.S. If you see Princess Luna, could you let her know that Twilight has finally found her shoe under our bed?
Author's Note
This entire story popped into my head after a forum conversation with A British Gentleman about the quirks of British Government. My apologies, ABG.
The adorable Sunset Shimmer vector used in the newspaper was created by Light262 and used with permission. Thanks a lot!
