Do you smell burning toast?
Princess Luna was feeling rather good this morning (despite the long and boring night) for she had accomplished quite a great deal concerning the constellations and their alignment in the heavens. Even if nopony said a single word of praise about how glorious her night was or how beautiful the stars shined, she at least had the ponial satisfaction of a job well done. All she needed now was some food before bed and her night would be complete. Walking regally towards the kitchens, she decided to continue her cooking lessons, self-taught though they may be, and hoofmake her own breakfast this morning, just to add to her feeling of achievement.
As she entered the spotlessly clean kitchen and squinted against the (in her opinion) overabundance of light, she noticed that there was one thing that stood out from the rest, an object she was not familiar with and had never seen in the space before. An off-white square with some black markings and black knobs sat upon a worn black base, all seemingly held together with bolts and screws. She blinked a few times to make sure she was seeing things correctly and then moved a bit closer in curiosity. This thing wasn’t spotless or new, so it stuck out like a cracked horn amidst the otherwise sparkling counter.
Just as she was slowly raising a hoof to poke this new discovery a voice boomed out of the device.
“Tremble before me little pony, for I am the promise of fiery doom for all I survey!” the box exclaimed.
Luna yelped in surprise and jumped back, summoning a shield as her eyes began to scan the room for possible threats. After a moment she scowled and yelled, “What villainy is this? You dare threaten a Princess of Equestria? Show yourself knave and take your punishment!”
The voice seemed to echo about the kitchen in response. “Ha! I bet a princess burns up just as nice as everything else I touch! Come closer little horse and see why I am the scourge of other appliances and the boogeyman of lesser toasters everywhere!”
Luna was outraged for a moment at the accusation of being a whorse when the last detail caused her to pause. “Wait, you…are saying you’re an…appliance that toasts bread?” The princess was quite confused and wondering if this was some prank of her sister’s when the device spoke again.
“Toasting bread?” The thing’s laugh was hair-raising to be sure. “I rip the guts from other appliances and leave their corpses in the smoldering waste behind me! I am the bane of all non-burning existence and seek nothing more than the fiery Armageddon this world deserves! You are fortunate that I have not yet saved up enough power or you would, Be. On. Fire right now!” The device began to grunt in obvious effort, as if willing more power to it.
Luna was not sure what to make of this situation, but she would be thrice-cursed if she let a household appliance speak down to her! “How dare you threaten not only me, but all of Equestria! I will never let an evil bit of hardware like you burn anything while I draw breath!” Luna’s horn began to glow as she channeled magical power for a blast.
“Gah! If only I had a bigger power supply this place would be in flames and you little princess would be doing the Stop Drop and Roll Shuffle! F***! Wait, what the F*** was that!? Did I just get F****** censored!? What is this S***!?” The Toaster began to rage and try out various words, most of which only ended up as solid tones. This was enough to distract Luna from blasting the thing into little pieces.
Despite its threats and outrageously rude behavior, Luna began to get the sense that the device was mostly bluster and couldn’t do half of what it claimed. The continuous censor tones however began to grate her nerves.
“SILENCE!” The princess cried in ‘Royal Cantslock’ as friend Rainbow Dash coined it. “You listen to me you insufferable spawn of Discord! If you don’t behave yourself, I am going to send you into the first body of water I can find, posthaste! Nopony and nothing can just claim that they will-“ but Luna’s rant was cut off by the sound of rather insistent and loud throat clearing coming from the kitchen entrance. She turned to see her sister, Princess Celestia looking at Luna with more than a little concern coloring her features.
“Sister…my sister, are you by chance…yelling, at what looks to be a…toaster?” she asked, the motherly concern in her voice enough to cause Luna to flinch.
Luna blinked a moment in confusion and then scowled. “Nay sister, it only looks like a common household appliance. In truth, it is a raving maniac that swears the destruction of our kingdom via fire!” She turned her attention back to the device in question. “Tell her you vile paperweight! Explain how ‘dangerous’ you are to us!”
All that answered Luna was silence, and the increasing feeling of concern coming from Celestia.
Celestia moved up beside her sister and gently covered her dark withers with a wing. “Dear sister…you know, don’t you? That you can come and talk to me about anything? Anything at all? Right?” The look on Celestia’s muzzle was just oozing worry and Luna felt like she was a foal again. Her frustration began to soon outpace her embarrassment though.
“I am not crazy Tia,” she pointed a hoof at the offending toaster. “This…this thing was talking just a moment ago and it claimed it wanted to burn the whole world in fire. I heard it!”
Celestia took her eyes from Luna’s and looked at the suspect device with a beatific smile. “Hello mister toaster. I’m Princess Celestia and my sister claims you have rather devious plans for my kingdom. What say you in you defense?”
The answering silence was deafening.
Celestia nuzzled her sister lovingly. “I do hope to see you at breakfast Lulu. I think I am going to relax for a bit in the meantime. Try not to tease the cooks too much before we have our meal.” Despite the gentle tone in her voice, Luna knew that Celestia thought she was losing it and decided to let the matter drop for now.
Luna sighed, “Very well sister. I’m sorry for…uh, playing a prank on you.” Luna gave the best fake smile she could muster and with one final look and a nod, the solar princess vanished in a bright teleportation.
Silence ruled the kitchen once again, but only for a moment.
“Now THAT was F****** hilarious!” the Toaster cried and began to laugh uproariously. “Did you SEE the look on her little horsey face? Priceless!”
Luna ground her teeth for a bit, trying very hard to hold her temper.
She failed spectacularly.
“THAT. IS. IT!” she cried, her horn lighting up and casting a bolt of energy at the toaster. With a loud ‘pop’ the toaster vanished from the counter, headed towards the closest body of water and an immediate death. She snorted once, and began to gain control of her temper again with deep breaths. As she turned around to leave the kitchen, she was blinded by a familiar flash of light as her sister teleported into the kitchen.
Princess Celestia looked a mess. Standing in the kitchen, dripping bubble bath onto the white tiles, her beautiful mane and tail were both standing out in jagged spikes, their ends burnt black in places. Her usually immaculate coat was scorched in patches and the stern look of disapproval on her muzzle was more than evident as she levitated a blackened toaster up next to her head, as if presenting evidence.
“Luna…I think we need to talk,” Celestia said in barely controlled tones.
‘Dear Night, I miss the moon. Fair fate it seems I’ll be going back so much sooner than I imagined,’ she thought as one hoof rose up and covered her muzzle in shame.
Author's Note
TREMBLE BEFORE THE TOASTER AND DESPAIR!
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