In the land of Ponies

It's morning. I've survived the first day. But what the hell is the dragon lady doing next to my bed?

"Barb?" I mumble, sleep weighing heavily on my voice

"O-OH! You're awake! Good Morning! Sorry, Spike asked me to keep an eye on you and I don't plan to disappoint him,' she explained herself, a clipboard held in the crook of her arm and a pen deftly twirling between her claws.

"Right...Uh, Barb, I'm gonna shower now..." I mumble, sitting up and stretching, letting out a satisfied sigh as my bones pop and shift one after the other. Ah, nothing like a symphony of cracks and pops to start a morning.

She patiently waits, just standing there with that damn adorable smile and that blue tinge to her cheeks. It kinda reminds me of those sapphires Spike had.

"You can leave my room Barb," I deadpan. She hugs the clipboard to her chest

"R-Right, I'll um, wait outside," she mumbles as she leaves. Just how long was she there? How'd she get in my house?

Wait, never mind, I let Button and co hang out last night and I passed out in the middle of their gaming sessions. They probably just forgot to lock the door.

...Do ponies even have burglars? Hell if what I saw last night means anything, the hell is the point of locks anyway?

I'll elaborate.

LAST NIGHT

"And then...POUNCE!" Scootaloo cried out in triumph, leaping at Sweetie Belle who vanished into thin air and appeared behind the pegasus who was currently professing her love to my floor with her entire body in what can only be called the worlds most impressive faceplant.

"...The hell was that?" I demand, pointing at Sweetie Belle and where she had been

"Scootaloo being an idiot," she answers, lifting her chin a bit. Don't tell me this damn unicorn is a pomp-assed Noble...

"No ya ninny, ah think he meant yer magic," Applebloom tossed in, to which I quickly nodded agreement.

"Oh right. Well a basic spell all Unicorns learn is short distance teleportation, along with levitation and control," Sweetie Belle explained.

"Teleporting? Like, you could teleport from the couch to the fridge and back and never have to move?" I ask.

"Not the best use of teleportation, but yes, if I wanted to, I could,"

Life is so unfair

I'm not giving up on this. Somehow I will become the first human to use magic. But it seems today is not that day.

Anyway, the point.

If Ponies can just teleport, what would a lock do to stop a burglar? If there even are burglars. Damn this world is weird. OH GOD THE SHOWER WATER IS MAGICAL.

No matter how I turn the knob it's always just the perfect temperature. When I feel it should be colder, IT IS! This is going in the report. Could probably spend all day in here, but I suddenly have a fear that the magic making this possible might run out like hot water does, and in a desperate bid to preserve this wonderful discovery, I cut my shower short.

And Barb is in my bathroom. Smiling at me. And I'm naked. Where the fuck is my towel? Oh she's holding it out for me. Good Dragon lady. I quickly cover myself with the towel.

"Your chariot is waiting outside," she says, keeping her head turned and still glancing at me every so often.

Wait, my what?

"My what?" I repeat from my head because I doubt the dragon can read my mind. Sure fucking hope not otherwise this is gonna get weird really fast...Shit, can Spike read minds? CAN UNICORNS READ MINDS?! Oh God, can Twilight read minds?!?!

"You and Alice are due to see Princess Celestia today. Did you not know?" She asks, blinking those goddamned giant emerald beauties at me.

"Nope, had no idea. Wait, a princess horse lady? Like Twilight?" I ask as I search for a pair of boxers. Who the fuck organized this shit?! Ah, there we go, boys are carefully hidden away, now pants, pants are an essential.

"Well, I would say Princess Twilight is similar to her instead of the other way around. Princess Celestia rules all of Equestria alongside her sister Princess Luna," Barb explains, watching me dress. Which I would find more weird if it weren't for the fact that she's a nudist. I also happen to notice she lacks nipples and I can't tell much else about her.

Not like I've really gotten close enough to check and that tail dragging on my carpet hides any other view. That booty though...Losing track of important shit here.

"Okay, so, magical horse princess'. Anything else on this schedule I know nothing about?" I ask as I hop my way into a pair of jeans

"I believe Pinkie Pie is throwing a party for Alice's return and for making a new friend. You're invited of course," Barb said, holding out an invitation.

"Did she make it?" I wonder as I look it over. It's incredibly detailed.

"She always does," Barb giggles. How the hell does an Earth Pony make a card this epic? I swear, it's damn near singing and dancing in my hand with a fanfare included.

"Cool I guess. Meet Royalty, try not to make an ass of myself, and come back to a party, how do I look?" I ask as I finish buttoning my dark blue checkered shirt. Barb looks me over a few times, that strange blue tinge returning to her cheeks as she gives me a thumbs up.

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT!" I scream at the top of my lungs. Alice and Barb are laughing at me in this damn deathtrap we are in that's hurtling a million miles a fucking minute towards who knows the fuck where. WHY ARE THEY SO DAMN CALM!

"Ryan, calm down, this thing is protected by a combination of pegasi and unicorn magic. We couldn't crash if we wanted to," Alice assures me. I glance over at her, still gripping the seat for dear life while Barb giggles at me.

Really didn't expect her to tag along, but her excuse was not wanting to disappoint Spike's direct order to keep an eye on me. Did they think I was gonna choke a pony like Alan did? I mean, it was the only impression of a Human Male they had...And it's not like she was bad company...

Is this what they call going native? Oh hey the death trap is slowing down. Oh thank fuck solid ground. I happily climb out of my brush with near death and kiss the cobblestone ground.

"To be honest, I did the same thing on my first pegasus ride," Alice laughs, patting my back.

"We have to ride that thing back don't we?" I realize as I stand.

"You'll be alright champ, come on, the Princess can only wait so long for us," Alice says, leading the way. Barb walks on my left, still clinging to her clipboard. The hell is with her and that thing? Is it some kind of comfort thing? Or is she really dedicated to this job?

"Um...there's a lot of ponies staring at us," I realize, glancing around.

"Not us, you," Alice corrects. And she's right, they are all looking at me. Why? Dafuq did I do? Oh right, Alan. Damn it all to, whoa that's a big horse.

Like a goddamn boss battle she descends from above us, landing with a flourish of her magnificent snow white wings. She flashes a smile, all the ponies and I mean ALL the ponies bow in awe of this glorious beast.

Alice is hugging it, like, full blown run up to it like a giddy schoolgirl and thrown her arms around its neck, and its got a wing on her back and is nuzzling her. The fuck did I miss?

"It's good to see you again Alice, we've missed you," says Giant Horse thing.

"I missed you too Celestia. Is Luna sleeping?" Alice asks. I just stand here like an idiot while they talk and did Barb just move closer? Holy shit she's shaking, why is she shaking?

"Barb, you okay?" I ask, gently grabbing her arm. She nods quickly, a bit too quickly and says nothing. Is the weird ever going to end?

"And this must be Ryan," Horse, uh, Celestia, says, walking up to me. Like an idiot I give a goddamn half ass salute

"Greetings from Earth," I let spew out of my mouth. She holds a hoof to her mouth and laughs. Is that good?

"I can see you were right. They are quite different," Celestia smiles, turning to Alice. She simply shrugs and marches over to me, shoving me forward.

"Uh, nice to meet you?"

"Likewise. Care to walk and talk?" she asks, stepping aside. I shrug and start marching with no idea where I'm going. She walks beside me, a glance over my shoulder proves that Barb is still following. Though she is beside Alice and clinging to her arm.

"Barb and I have yet to meet. She is terrified that I will return her to Dragon Country if she steps out of line," Celestia explains

"Would you?" I ask without thinking

"I could not. She is an innocent, so much unlike others of her kind, much more like her brother," Celestia smiles.

"Ah, Spike, and why's he not a total tool?"

"He was raised amongst Ponies. All but in actual race, he is a pony, like us,"

"So he's family. That's kinda cool. Sooo, I'm gonna be totally honest here. I have literally no damn idea what I'm doing here, I was told to walk through a hole in reality and survive and so I'm here," I pony up. Ha, see what I...did...there? Heh...right...

"Shall I be honest as well?" She asks, leaning her head towards me

"I've no idea what I am doing either," she admits with a wink and continues walking. Holy shit I'm not alone in this.

"Holy shit," I breath as we walk into the castle. I thought Twilight's place was snazzy, this place is like the Grand Motherfucking Castle of Camelot...Fuck me it's another pun isn't it? Is this whole goddamn world just one pun after another of my world?

Is that some kind of dimensional shit I need to read up on? And Barb is now clinging to my arm while Celestia and Alice catch up. I knew she'd been here before, but she seems to know EVERYONE here. Just how long was she here before? It's like this place is where she belongs.

"You're more than welcome to join us for lunch if you'd like," Celestia calls out. I squeeze Barb's arm and smile at her

"Barb, care to eat?" I ask gently. She gives a lone nod, never taking her eyes from the floor. Jesus Christ, why did she even come along if she was scared of the Princess?

Right, Spike's orders. Damn it all I need to have a talk with that dragon.

"I believe we keep a stash of gems for whenever Spike visits, or Dignitaries from Dragon Country," Celestia calls out gently. Barb's eyes light up for a moment before she turns her gaze back to the floor

"That would be wonderful your Majesty," she says meekly. She lets out a squeak as Celestia stands before her, placing a hoof on her shoulder.

"Barbara, we are family. Surely you've learned from Spike that we mean no harm to you? You are important to him and thus important to us. If I can help it, you will never have to go back to Dragon Country, so please...relax," Celestia practically begs. Barb takes a shuddering breath, squeezing my arm.

I can't help but remember the monstrous strength her and Spike have, but even while in a panic she's squeezing just enough to keep herself grounded without causing any pain to me. Is this some kind of magic they have? Or is she holding back on my account?

"I-I know your Majesty, I just...I just..." she stammers, her legs shaking. Celestia kisses her forehead and takes a step back.

"One step at a time friend, we'll get there someday," Celestia whispers, turning and walking with Alice. To my surprise Alice actually hops on Celestia's back and the strange winged, horned, white beauty laughs.

"She really does belong here doesn't she?" I think aloud.

"Alice? She seems to fit in rather well. Even become friends with Three of our Princess' in the short time she's had here. Even Princess Twilight Sparkle has questioned her on her talent in making friends," Barb explains.

Basically this is important because of what each Princess represents. Barb kinda gave me the rundown while we were waiting on Alice at the carriage.

Princess Celestia, big ass white horse, white wings, long as shit horn, anime hair constantly blowing in non-existent wind, white, blue an pink and pretty sure I saw some green in there. She's Princess of Day or something like that. Turns out she controls THE GOD DAMN SUN. Like, holy shit dude, she just points her horn and says 'hither forth bitch' or some shit and it obeys.

Princess Luna, haven't seen her yet, heard she's blue or something. Princess of the Night, same shit, different song-ish. She controls the Moon, and the stars. Which is some pretty cool shit I've got to see for myself.

Princess Twilight. We've met her, purple, nerdy, her hair is normal-ish I guess. No random anime wind, but she does have some pink and yellow stripes in it. Dunno if they are real or dyed. I'm gonna assume real from everything I've seen already. But she's the Princess of Friendship. No, I'm not joking, she's the ruler of all things friend related and her job is solving friendship problems.

She's also got a strange talent of making friends, which is why she wanted to find out how the hell Alice makes friends so quick. Speaking of strange talents, we've gone over the whole cutie mark thing. Twilight's cutie mark is this weird star that represents magic.

So she's damn good at it.

Celestia has a big ass sun and I'd bet all my money Luna has a moon. There's a question though...I glance at Barb's backside while we walk and she gives me a curious look.

"Sorry, I was just wondering if Dragon's have cutie marks," I admit. Wasn't a lie, I was wondering. Was also wondering if I imagined that rear. I hadn't. It was definitely all there.

"Oh! No, Dragon's don't get cutie marks, only ponies," she laughs, loosening her grip on me slightly. Hm, Dragon lady relaxes when allowed to be a nerd, Noted.

Side note, Dragon Lady is relaxed while eating, different gems cause different reactions from her. She mostly just munches on sapphires, which mellow her out and calm her nerves. Rubies make her hyper and she talks a mile a minute. Onyx gives her hiccups, diamonds make her giddy, and Quartz was taken away from her for some reason. More research is required.

"Wow, Dragon's sure can eat," I mumble. Barb blushes at that, her teeth digging into a sapphire.

"We use up a lot of energy in a day, most Dragons devour entire chunks of a hoard a day while weaker dragons refill it constantly...m-my duty was to restock my Elders hoard," She explains, staring at the sapphire in her hand. I place my hand on her shoulder and give it a squeeze.

"That's not your life anymore Barb, you've got Spike, and Twilight, and Princess Celestia, and even me," I say with a smile. Once again, speeches just pouring out of my mouth. Maybe this world is doing something to me.

But once again, it seems to have worked. She lays her head on my shoulder and closes her eyes, the blue tinge on her cheeks once more.

"Twilight's report was true, you have a way with words Ryan," Celestia smiles at me from across the table.

"Yea, almost like he belongs here, huh Celestia?" Alice giggles. Are they planning something? They are totally planning something.

And it's at this point I realize I've only met three dudes in this world and two of them were gay.

"You're one to talk Alice, you act like you've lived here your whole life," I laugh. She only shrugs with a smile.

"It's quite a place, isn't it? I'm worried though..." she admits, hanging her head.

"Worried? About what?" I wonder.

"What if everyone else comes to this world Ryan? Not everyone is like you and me. They'll want land, machinery, industry, they'll tear this place apart," She says sadly.

I hadn't thought of any of that. Sure, I had some idea from Alan mentioning trade and junk, but I thought we'd just have humans and ponies living in each others worlds. Is that such a bad thing? Is it possible for Humanity to go to a place and NOT ruin it?

"We cannot be sure what the future holds, but this land has survived many terrible things and peace is maintained between us. I am sure it will not come to such drastic terms. Please do not dwell on this, enjoy your time here as I enjoy having you here," Celestia pleads with us. I give a sigh and nod.

"Sure thing Princess..."

I don't think I've ever really contemplated life as hard as I am right now. Celestia thanks us for coming out to see her and tells us that we'll get to visit Luna another time. Alice seems pretty excited about it, even more excited than she was to see Celestia. Luna must be a pretty cool Princess if she tops Celestia.

Barb is still clinging to my arm, but she's not shaking anymore. Progress I suppose. Aw shit the Death Trap is back. Damn it all...

"We could try teleporting home, but I doubt either of you would enjoy it," Barb murmurs next to me.

I'd seen Sweetie Belle teleport, and even saw a few unicorns teleporting around Canterlot. I don't really know how I'd handle not existing for a second. Best put that off for a drunken adventure later.

"Death trap it is," I mumble, heading forward.

"If you can face down Celestia, I can get in this damn thing," I chuckle weakly. She smiles up at me and walks confidently beside me.

"Well well Ryan, I had no idea you were such a ladies man," Alice teases.

"Huh? The hell are you talking about?!" I yell. She glances at Barb, then at me, then at Barb again.

"She was on your arm earlier!" I argue. She just shrugs and hops into the Death Trap. Damn it all.

The Death Trap ride back wasn't nearly as bad. Spike was waiting for us back home and Alice practically tackled him to the ground in her deathgrip hug. He didn't seem to be complaining.

Am I missing something here? Are they a thing? Why must I ship everyone?

And I'm on the ground, can't breath, the hell just hit me? I can just barely make out a rainbow and feel something pressed against my chest.

"Barb! He didn't hurt you did he?" the colors ask.

"RAINBOW! He hasn't done anything! Get off of him!" Barb yells, snatching the Rainbow off of me. I groan as I sit up. Oh hey, it's the Flying Lesbian Flag of Death. I quickly hold up my hands, still trying to catch my breath

"Whoa! Hey!" I cry out as she glares at me. The glare dies in an instant and I soon figure out why as I glance over my shoulder at Alice. She was glaring at the blue pony in Barb's arms.

"Rainbow, we talked about this!" she yelled, the pony flinching as if she'd been struck.

"B-But he...and Barb!" Rainbow tried to argue.

"Rainbow, Barb is keeping an eye on him for me, and come on, me and Twilight told you all about humans. Even if that other guy was back, what is he gonna do to a dragon?" Spike asked as Barb set Rainbow Down. I was still sitting on the ground, Rainbow glancing at me and scuffing her hoof on the ground.

"Sorry, I just..." she stopped as I held up my hand

"You're the sort the cares about your friends and does anything to keep them safe. I get it, just, please warn me the next time you wanna plow my face into the dirt," I joke, earning a laugh out of her. I accept a hand up from Spike, rubbing a sore spot on my chest from the tackle.

"So, stupid question, is the hair natural?" I ask. She raises an eyebrow and Alice punches my shoulder.

"Oh come on! You wondered too!" I argue, she had to have wondered. Yup, she's acting innocent, she totally wondered.

"Yea, it's natural, what of it?" Rainbow says, glaring up at me. I crouch down to eye level with her. She's a good head shorter than Twilight, but Celestia is still the biggest freakin' horse I've ever seen.

"That's pretty cool, all I've ever had is just this plain dark brown," I say, running a hand through my horribly curly, barely brushed hair. Last brush I had got stuck...had to make this one count.

"Hey, there's nothin' wrong with it. I'm just awesome like that and not everyone can be that awesome. it doesn't make them any less awesome, just not as awesome as me," Rainbow smirked, putting her hoof on her chest. I let out a sigh and shake my head.

"I'll take that as a compliment," I mumbled.

"Well it was one, duh. Anyway uh...sorry again for just kinda assumin'...we cool?" Rainbow asked, holding out her hoof. I smiled, bumping my fist against it.

"Yea, we're cool,"

Sweet baby Jesus this party is so over the top. I think i have diabetes from just the sugar in the air around me, streamers everywhere and a large glitter bombed sparkly as fuck banner reading "WELCOME BACK ALICE!" hung around the place.

And return of the Pink one, she's hugging Alice and running her mouth a mile a minute, I can't understand a thing she's saying, and all these ponies are staring at me like I'm gonna explode.

"Fuck this," I mumble, wading through the crowd of knee to chest high multicolored fluffy things and making my way to a bowl of punch.

"WHOA! Don't drink that!" Pinkie Pie cried out, holding out a glass to me. How the hell is she doing that? She literally just has her hoof out and its magically against her hoof. Maybe it is magic, eh fuck it.

"Thanks Pinkie Pie, but uh...whats wrong with the punch?" I wonder as I sip from the cup. Hm, Apple juice, figures. But it's kind of tangy, and there's a bit of a kick to it.

This is alcohol...hot damn I love this place.

"Well, to be honest, that's not punch!" Pinkie winked, pointing to a nearby bottle of what I could only assume was hot sauce.

"Oh hell, thanks Pinkie, I owe you one" I laughed. She just shrugged, hesitating before hugging my leg. I sighed and knelt down, wrapping both arms around her and hugging her tight.

"Hey, don't forget, we're friends, 'kay?" I whispered. She nodded, wiping away a tear as I stood.

Why the fuck is everyone staring at me?

"Hey, is this a party or what?!" Rainbow and Alice called out, drawing everyone's attention away from me. Thank fuck, that was awkward. I somehow manage to get through the crowd and sit down in a booth. And here comes Princess Purple butt.

"So, how are things going so far?" Twilight asked.

"Well I've come to realize I hate flying, I think your dragon has the hots for me, and everyone keeps staring at me like I'm going to flip out and go Chuck Norris on everyone," I admit.

"Um...well flying isn't for everyone a-and I'm sure Barb is just dedicated to whatever Spike asks of her. Though I suppose it wouldn't be so bad if she did feel that way, she's always...afraid..." Twilight sighed, her ears drooping down.

Damn that's cute

"She opens up if you let her nerd out," I shrugged. Why the hell is she grinning at me like that.

"So you're the observant type? Maybe she is a good fit for you," Twilight giggled.

"I didn't come here for you to play matchmaker Princess, isn't there some kind of law against this?" I argue.

"There's never been such a law," Twilight scoffed.

Hm...does it count as bestiality if I fuck a dragon? Pretty sure it actually is legal back home, just frowned upon and illegal in several other countries. Why am I thinking about this so hard???

"L-Look! Barb is...not gonna lie, pretty hot, but I hardly know her and I'm not just gonna jump into something like that because my dick tells me to," I shrugged, Twilight snickering and hiding behind her hooves.

"What? Was I too forward?" I wonder. I did just kind of let my thoughts run out of my mouth like an idiot.

"She's right behind me isn't she?" I ask, Twilight nodding. I spin around at the speed of motherfucking sound and latch eyes with the dragoness. Her entire face is bright blue right now and she's holding a cup in each claw. Where the hell did her clipboard go?

"Uh, hey Barb," I chuckle nervously. She slams the cups on the table and rushes through the crowd.

Shit, Spike is gonna barbecue me...

"Well, go after her Prince charming," Twilight teased. I sit there for a moment, trying to think on my actions.

Damn it all.

"You planned this," I accuse. She shrugs, slipping out of the booth and vanishing into the crowd of the party. She totally planned this...Well fuck, might as well check on Barb. I drag myself out of the booth, snatching up the drinks she left behind and calmly follow the signs Pinkie is placing for me.

Weird Pink horse, but helpful Pink horse. She gives me a wink as I reach a door.

"Pinkie...I have no idea what I'm doing," I tell her.

"Oh that's fine! Most stallions are the same with their first time," Pinkie giggled, trotting away.

"First time? P-Pinkie! That's not what I meant! Why the hell are these ponies so determined to get me laid? Or maybe they just wanna help their friend get laid...ugh...Okay Ryan...just, talk to her, no sex, talk,words," I coach myself, glancing at my hands. With a sigh I smack my forehead against the door a few times in place of knocking, not wanting to spill the drinks I'm holding.

"O-OCCUPIED!" Barb cried out.

"Barb, it's me, come on, you're missing the party," I call out. I can hear the sounds of scrambling behind the door. She's cracked it open slightly and is peeking out at me with those goddamn adorable eyes.

"R-Ryan...I'm sorry, I didn't mean to react like that, I don't know what came over me. OH! Y-You got your drink, g-good. I um, I'll be out in a minute, just uh, I need to uh, c-collect myself, ha ha,"

"Barb, can I come in please?" I ask softly. She hangs her head, digging her claws into the door. I hope Pinkie won't be mad about that...I mean, I can afford to replace it...

"What you said a moment ago..." Barb murmured, slowly looking up at me, tears in her eyes.

"A-Am I attractive? T-Truly?" she asked.

FUCK. I'm trapped, I am super trapped, the fuck do I say?!

"You're beautiful," I say with a smile. WHY THE FUCK DID I SAY THAT?! Hey, she opened the door. She bites her finger and with her free hand tugs me into the room by my shirt, kicking the door closed behind her. I somehow manage to not spill the drinks.

"That...means a lot to me," she says softly, leaning toward me. Oh shit she wants a kiss. The drink! I place the cup against her lips and smile.

"You forgot your drink," I say quickly, taking a sip from mine and chuckling nervously. She accepts the cup, sitting on the bed and patting the spot beside her. I accept my fate and sit beside her, sighing as she lays her head against my arm, swirling her finger around the rim of her glass.

"In Dragon Country...beauty means everything for a mere whelp such as me...Our lords only pick the most beautiful gems to be added to their collection...but none cared for me," she sighed. I scoff and roll my eyes.

"The hell do they know?"

"You're strange...everyone here is. They accept me as if I were one of their own...Spike pushed me away as well...just as you have..." she continued.

Wait a minute, did she just say she tried to fuck her brother?

"I-I'm not...pushing you away Barb, I just think you shouldn't be throwing yourself around looking for someone to scoop you up. There's a lot more to life you know?" I point out. She sighs, gently squeezing my arm.

"Look, Spike said you had to keep an eye on me right?" I ask. She nods, staring into her cup.

"And, you already know that I think you look amazing," I continue, grinning at the blue touching her cheeks.

"So, give it time," I say with a shrug. She nods, standing and marching out of the room. Shit, did I do the right thing?

The party is starting to die down, I haven't seen Barb since our talk.

"So stud, how'd it go?" Rainbow asks, flying at eye level and resting her foreleg on my shoulder.

"Nothing happened, we talked," I say, crying out as she smacks the back of my head.

"You TALKED?! Are you serious?!" Rainbow yells at me, zipping off out a window. What the hell is wrong with these things?!

Is sex really so important around here? It can't be, Barb said Spike did the same thing. Then again, they are family and he was raised by ponies...Though, they are quick to condone bestiality, do they give two shits about incest?

I am thinking WAY too hard on this.

"Hey stud," Alice speaks up behind me.

"I'm not a stud, Alice, what..."

"Relationships are incredibly important to Ponies and most other creatures as well. Magic forms itself in all sorts of way, but the most powerful magic is the magic of Love and Friendship," Alice interrupts me.

"Magic is a living breathing force that does what it sees fit, and at least ninety percent of the time, it's right," she smiled.

"Are you telling me to fuck the giant fire breathing lizard too?" I demand.

"I'm saying it couldn't hurt. It's pretty obvious you care about her,"

"Uh huh...and what about?" I ask, pointing an accusing finger at her. She chuckles nervously.

"I mean...I've uh...befriended a few ponies..." she admits.

Sweet baby Jesus she's one of them.

"H-How...what?! Aren't horse dicks huge?!" I blurt out. Luckily all the kids left the party forever ago and I just get a few stares from some nearby ponies who were still making their way out.

"Well I only hooked up with one stallion and he was more interested in asking me questions than anything else," she answered smoothly. She is way too calm about this.

"So, wait...a few ponies...one stallion...Ohhhh, I see, no wonder you and Princess Celestia are so buddy buddy," I smirk knowingly. She's blushing. Nailed it.

Alice is boning the Princess.

Still processing that.

"Okay, so now you know my 'dirty secret'. What are you going to do about your beloved dragoness?" Alice demands of me, poking my chest.

"I'm not just gonna have sex with her Alice. Sure, I'm not the greatest of guys, but I could never just sleep around!" I argue. She smiles and pats my shoulder.

"Good. To be honest, I haven't actually gone around sleeping with ponies. I cuddle with Fluttershy a lot, and we've kissed...a few times...and Celestia is just a good friend. I just had to be sure Ryan. Our talk with Celestia has really had me worried about the kind of people who could come through the portal...I'm glad it was you," she explains herself.

"You're lying...there's no way you can blush on cue lady. At the very least there's something more going on with the Princess than you're letting on," I argue back.

"Mhm, sure loverboy, but Dragon Culture and Human Culture are pretty different. She offered her body to you, everything she is, and you told her no," Alice points out.

Shit.

"I-I didn't say no! I just said not now!" I stammer.

"It's the same thing to her. Look, I'll talk to her, try to clear things up. You should barricade yourself at home for a bit so the wrath of her friends doesn't come down on you," Alice warned me, leaving without giving me time to ask questions.

Shit. Shit on a stick.

"So...heard you an Barb..." Button began, his voice muffled as I shoved my hand in it.

"No, we didn't, for fucks sake, does the whole town think we're a thing?" I ask. Button shrugs, lifting up a controller. I sigh and accept it, sitting down to play some Mortal Kombat. Again, with those hooves, he was somehow pretty damn good at it.

"You're wonderin' how I'm so good aren't ya?" Button smirked, glancing at me out of the corner of his eye.

That's weird...he looked cute for a moment...

"Yea, you a mind reader now?" I ask.

"Nope, Alice asked me about it a bunch of times. It's my special talent," Button chuckled, pointing to his ass tattoo, I mean cutie mark.

"Your talent is being good at games?" I ask, confused.

"That's the basic gist really. I just need to see it once and I can dissect everything a game is and can do and react accordingly to whatever situation it puts me in," he replied.

"You've got a cheatbook for any game in your head...That's pretty damn cool," I realize. Even with that cheatbook, he still lost half the matches to me.

"Yea, but your skill is pretty impressive too. Humans don't have cutiemarks, so you're just GOOD," Button pointed out.

"Eh, I've played all these games so many times," I shrug.

"Yea, but you'd never played that game at the arcade before, and you nearly topped the board!"

"Eh, it was an easy game though,"

Damn, I wasn't paying attention and he beat me. Oh well. I sigh and lean back on the couch.

"This place is weird Button, in the same situation in my world, well, it wouldn't have gone over the same way..." I chuckle.

"Well, if it means anything, I think it's pretty cool of you to wanna wait," Button chuckled, spinning the controller on his hoof.

"Thanks man," I smile, setting my controller down. He shrugs and switches over to single player, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

The hell am I supposed to do?

"Ryan..." Barb whispers into my ear, sitting up in my lap and running her claws down my chest.

"WHOA! Barb! Time out!" I yell, sitting up and grabbing her shoulders. She turns her face away from me and starts to shake.

"H-Hey, calm down. Look..."

"Why!? Y-You said I'm beautiful right?! T-That I'm h-hot! S-So why won't you accept me?!" she screamed at me. I sigh and kiss her cheek.

"Because it's not fair to you. You shouldn't sleep with someone just because your culture demands it...and I shouldn't just shove you away because my culture demands it...so let's try and work something out, okay?" I offer softly. I gasp as she vanishes, a tall dark blue horse marching toward me. I stand, finding myself standing in some kind of void.

"What in the hell..." I mumble.

"Most impressive human. My sister spoke very highly of you and I see her words were not wasted. You care dearly for Barbara, your need to preserve her innocence is most appreciated," the horse greets me.

"Well this is weird..."

"Ah, allow us a moment," the horse laughs. The void is quickly overtaken by a hilltop, a lone tree planted firm and strong, rising high above us. She sits in its shade and pats the spot in front of her with her hoof. In this light I can see her wings. So she's another Alicorn...with a moon on her butt.

"You're Princess Luna, right?" I ask as I sit down.

"How observant, don't think I didn't see those eyes of yours wandering my frame," she smirks.

"Heh, right, sorry," I quickly apologize.

"No need for that my friend, if anything, I should apologize. I did not mean to invade thy dreamscape, but curiosity got the better of us," she explains.

"Thy? Us? Old English?" I ask

"Ah, somewhat like it, I have a habit of slipping into the old tongue at times. I am still adjusting to the way things are now," she says with a wave of her hoof.

"Well, here I thought I was the strange mysterious one," I joke, smiling as she laughs.

"So, dreamscape huh? Does that mean I'm asleep? Barb wasn't really here?"

"Yes, though I am sure if she heard those words it would mean the world to her. I am sure she explained herself to you, but in Dragon Country, that is how they are Courted. Dragon's claim several concubines for their hoard and they are Taken," Luna sighed sadly.

"I see...and she's just used to that happening around her...she was only doing what she knows. I've gotta talk to her," I sigh, leaning against the tree.

"We have faith you will do well," Luna smiles at me.

"We? Old tongue again?" I tease. She stands with a shake of her head.

"No, We, as in I, Twilight Sparkle, and my sister. Good Luck human, and welcome to Equestria"