Totally Random!

Chapters

Circle of Life, Baby! *nom nom nom*
B. F. F. F.s (the extra ‘F’ stands for F#&%ing)
Who Needs to Watch the Film When the Audience is Way More Entertaining?
Probably Something You Really Only Want a Unicorn to Do…
Guess Who Time It Is!
Probably Not a Substitution for Professional Help, but It's a Start
The Angriest Place on Earth
An Oldie But a Goodie
Also See: Problems for Girls, Last Name 'Sue', First Name 'Mary'
Any Star Tracker Fans out there? No? Good! (Movie reference inside)
Do you want to watch a movie?
MMMMurder on the Friendship Express
MMMMurder on the Friendship Express: Sunset Shimmer edition.
MMMMurder on the Friendship Express: Dan Vs. edition
MMMMurder on the Friendship Express: Friends, We Meet Again! Edition
MMMMurder on the Friendship Express: Adventure Time Edition!
MMMMMurder On the Friendship Express: My Name’s Star Swirl, and Welcome to Jerk-Ass
A Series of Events that Unfortunately Repeat
The Very Picture of Maturity.
Dare to be Kind...ish
MMMMurder on the Friendship Express: Starlight Glimmer edition
MMMMurder on the Friendship Express: Dazzling Edition

Circle of Life, Baby! nom nom nom

“Gee, Fluttershy,” Starlight Glimmer began as she picked up Angel Bunny and rubbed her nose against his, a sign of affection Angel was quick to return with a smile. “It must be great working with cute animals all day every day!” Starlight chuckled as she set Angel down, much to the bunny’s disappointment. She turned towards the butter-colored pegasus as Fluttershy sat down a small bowl of food for a group of four ferrets.

Fluttershy smiled warmly at the little fuzzy critters as they began munching away at their food, sometimes crawling over one another to get a better angle on the bowl. “Oh yes,” Fluttershy said. “It’s very rewarding.”

Starlight nodded. “It must be!” she giggled. “Domesticating and taking care of the local fauna, who you can even communicate with… It must be one of the most stress-free jobs in all of Equestria!”

Fluttershy swallowed slightly as she gave Starlight a more serious look. “Do you, erm... know how many animals eat their babies?”

The smile on Starlight’s face suddenly jumped off a cliff in a desperate attempt to get away from the conversation. “Uh…”

“It’s kinda a lot…” Fluttershy informed.

B. F. F. F.s (the extra ‘F’ stands for F#&%ing)

Rarity and Applejack walked down a sunlit path of Canterlot High, hand in hand as they happily chatted away on no topic in particular.

“Hey, Rarity, A.J.!” Sunset Shimmer called out as she bounded up to her friends, a bespectacled Twilight Sparkle, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, and Rainbow Dash followed close behind. “Wait up!”

Rarity and Applejack stopped and turned, waving with their free hands as the girls approached.

“Heya, everybody!” Applejack greeted warmly.

“Hello, everyone,” Rarity said politely. She focused her lapis eyes on Sunset. “So, what’s all this about?”

Sunset sheepishly rubbed the back of her head, slightly ruffling her red-and-yellow hair. “Well… This is kinda awkward, but… erm…”

“Are you two bangin’?” Rainbow Dash asked with all the poise and grace of a dingy passenger train that was being propelled with the extra help of rockets as multiples of sordid frat and sorority parties transpired within its cars.

Sunset groaned and rose a palm to her face.

“… Ex… excuse me?” Applejack said, clearly a bit flummoxed.

“I beg your pardon?” Rarity chimed in.

“You know…” Pinkie said bubbly as she began to pop out from behind one of her friends then the other. “Clouting the clams? Dialing ‘O’ on each other’s little pink telephone? Going bumper-to-bumper? Scissoring?” Pinkie finished the last suggestion by miming a pair of scissors, one in each hand, that the cheerily pressed together at the part between her fingers.

Applejack simply blinked a few times. “Ah understood none of that…”

Rarity raised an eyebrow at Sunset. “What brought on this line of questioning?”

Sunset sighed. “Look, we’re all friends so no judgments, it’s just that…” Sunset pointed out Rarity and Applejack’s clasped hands. “You two hold hands kinda a lot.”

“Oh, pshaw!” Rarity said as she waved her hand about dismissively. “Holding hands doesn’t mean Applejack and I have decided to be lovers.”

Applejack’s eyes opened slightly. “That’s what this is about?! Ah don’t see what the big deal is! Lyra and Bon-Bon hold hands all the time and they’re the best friends that friends can be.”

Sunset rolled her eyes. “Yes… They also engage in best friend ‘cuddling’, ‘cheek kissing’, and also ‘groping’.”

Twilight’s hand rose into the air. “Question,” she said.

“Yes, Twilight?” Sunset replied.

“I’m new to the whole ‘friendship’ thing, so, uh, are those things best friends engage in?”

Rainbow Dash suddenly got very close to Twilight as she looked at her with a huge grin. “Yes… yes, they are.”

“Oh… uh…” Twilight blushed slightly and looked at her feet awkwardly. “When should we begin?”

Sunset rolled her eyes. “Knock it off, Dash.” She looked at Twilight. “No, Twilight. Friends usually keep it to hugs,” she looked at Rarity and Applejack with a somewhat accusatory expression. “And the occasional hand-holding,” she stressed.

Rainbow Dash glared at Sunset. “Killjoy…” she uttered.

“Ooo! Ooo!” Pinkie called out as she pointed off into the campus. “There’s Lyra and Bon-Bon enjoying some ‘friendship Frenching’ with each other!”

The girls all turned and looked over a lawn of short grass to see Lyra and Bon-Bon enthusiastically open-mouth kissing each other. Bon-Bon’s eyes opened slightly as she took notice of the girls noticing her. With a pink blush of her daffodil-colored cheeks, Bon-Bon broke the kiss and looked away.

Lyra’s eyes flew open and she turned towards the girls that were staring at her and her ‘best friend’. “What?!” she shouted back. “This is completely normal best friend behavior! Don’t look at us like you girls don’t make-out with each other in public from time to time!”

Bon-Bon turned further away as if she was very much trying to hide from this conversation.

“Uhhh… we don’t,” Sunset reported.

“Unfortunately,” Rainbow Dash muttered.

“You know what?!” Lyra huffed as she stood to her feet. “Bon-Bon and I don’t have to take this!” she said as she reached down for Bon-Bon’s hand and began to storm off with her very embarrassed ‘best friend’ in tow. “Come on Bon-Bon, let’s go home to our ‘best friend’s’ bedroom with a single queen-sized bed and relieve some stress with a platonic naked groping session.”

The girls watched the pair walk towards the school’s parking lot, then turned towards each other.

Twilight put her hand up again.

“Yes, Twilight?” Sunset said.

“Erm… That was weird right? I mean… super weird, even for best friends.”

The girls confirmed Twilight’s statement with a round of nods.

Fluttershy suddenly piped up, “Um… erm… Neither Applejack nor Rarity actually answered the question.”

The girls all turned back to the hand-holding pair.

“You know what?” Applejack began indignantly. “That’s really none of your—”

Rarity quickly raised a hand to signal for Applejack’s silence. “No, Applejack. That won’t work. If we ‘deny it’, the girls will just quietly assume we’re hiding something. If we say we won’t answer, they will assume that ‘confirms’ their suspicion. There’s only one way out of this.”

“Er… and that would be?” Applejack inquired.

Rarity looked over the other girls and then stared Sunset in the face. “Applejack has a rodeo fantasy where she’s a strong, muscled rampaging bull complete with horns, and I get in full clown make-up and a delightful colorful and frilly outfit and she ravishes me like you would not believe!”

The color drained from most of the girl’s faces, including Applejack’s.

“I… I’m a bit surprised to hear myself say this,” Rainbow Dash began, “but I didn’t need to know that.”

“… I… erm… I could stand to hear a little more,” Fluttershy said.

“Me, too!” Pinkie exclaimed in a bubbly tone. “Who doesn’t like clowns?!”

Sunset shook her head. “Oh, this is ridiculous! There’s no way you two are…” Realization suddenly hit Sunset and made itself visible all over her face. “Oh… Oh…” Her features tightened as she looked at Rarity. “You are good.”

Rarity grinned and winked at Sunset. “I learned from the best, darling.”

Who Needs to Watch the Film When the Audience is Way More Entertaining?

As the large screen in front of her cast flickering light from the two colorful ponies speaking in front of it. “Who wants some beef jerky?!” Sonata Dusk exclaimed excitedly as she held up with a forehoof a small, silver bag with a zip-lock on the top.

Sitting next in the seat next to the energetic pegasus mare was a tan earth pony mare, with soft, motherly features and her brown mane and tale both tied with two red bows. Love Tap glanced at the bag quizzically with turquoise eyes that showed a deepness in them as if they had seen far too much in a relatively short period of time and knew that no good was going to come from this conversation. Her husband Chip, a dark brown coated stallion, spiked black mane, and bushy black mustache, leaned forward to cast a glance that still shone with curiosity as if the there was no telling what mysteries the bag held, as opposed to the ‘brace for impact’ look that his wife had begun to take on.

“Uh, Sonata, dear?” Love Tap said gently.

“Yes, mommy?” Sonata replied sweetly.

“We don’t know what ‘beef jerky’ is,” she said as she looked over at her husband, who nodded his head in agreement.

From the other side of Sonata, Aria Blaze, an earth pony, snorted mirthfully, her dangerously spiked metal star hair clips and twin ponytails bouncing up and down slightly as she tried to quietly laughed to herself.

The worry on Love Tap’s face deepened as she glanced at Aria. The chances that she would get out of this without yet another scar on her psyche just took a nose dive into the ground followed by a fiery crash.

“It’s like steak, but with all the water taken out!” Sonata informed happily.

“Uh-huh…” Love Tap replied in an unsure tone. “Well, thanks for offering, but no tha—”

“What’s steak?” Chip asked.

Love Tap closed her eyes and pursed her lips. She had almost saved her and her husband from certain mental trauma, but once again, her husband’s inquisitive nature got the better of him.

Sonata grinned. “It’s meat from a cow!” she informed as she reached a hoof in, brought back a wad of dried meat, and shoved it into her face. “Wvwant sowme?” she asked with a mouth full of dried meat as she held out the open bag.

Despite his dark brown fur, Chip’s face turned green as he quickly brought up a forehoof to his mouth, puffed out his cheek, and hobbled on three legs as rapidly as he could to get outside the darkened theater.

Love Tap simply stared at the cheery pegasus in front of her. “Sonata, don’t talk with your mouth full. Also, where the heck did you get that?”

Sonata chewed then swallowed. “Uh… D’uuuh, there’s this place called stores!”

“Yeah! You tell her, Sonata!” Aria cheered.

Love Tap leaned forward to toss Aria a glare that seemed to say ‘I will deal with you later’. She turned back towards Sonata. “Sonata, there’s absolutely nowhere in Equestria where cows are murdered so their remains could be desiccated and sold in small, pre-packaged bags!”

Sonata blinked and looked down at the bag that her forehoof was stuck down. “Then where did I get this beef jerky?” Sonata pulled out her hoof with a generous heap of beef jerky on the end of it. “Also… how am I doing this?!” Sonata turned back to Love Tap. “Mommy? How do hooves work?”

Love Tap let out an exasperated sigh. “Magic,” She replied. “The answer is magic.”

Sonata responded with a beaming smile. “Works for me!” she said as she thrust more of the beef jerky into her face.

Love Tap just shook her head and looked around the theater. “Wait… Where’s Adagio…” Love Tao’s shoulders slumped. “and Gibson…” she said, finishing the sentence with a tone that suggested she had just answered her own question.

Aria chuckled and pointed down with a forehoof. “Where do you think?”

Love Tap’s features fell deep into an unamused ocean. “Please don’t tell me you two are having sex on the sticky, popcorn-covered floor of the theater!” she exclaimed in an incensed tone.

A slightly muffled reply from Adagio Dazzle came back at first, then was followed up by actual speech that lilted up from below. “Does oral count as sex?” Adagio asked.

Love Tap grit her teeth. “YES!”

“Alright… I can fulfill your request, but it won’t be the truth!” Adagio replied. “Does that matter?”

Love Tap just let out a groan in response. “Gibson, really?! I mean… I expect this behavior from Adagio, but I’d hope you’d at least have some sensibilities when it comes to her throwing herself at you.”

Gibson rose from the theater and held his forehooves in front of him. “I’m seventeen!” he cried as if that was sufficient enough for an answer. Which, in this case, it was.

Love Tap just sighed. “Fair enough…”

Adagio’s voice called out. “Look, if it bothers you that much, we can take this somewhere else!”

“… Yes, please…” Love Tapped replied in a somewhat deflated tone.

“Okay,” Adagio said as the silhouette of her horn and head topped with frazzled popcorn and candy-covered mane popped up. This was followed by the silhouette of Gibson as the two shuffled out of the aisle. “But I want a full report on what we missed when we get back!”

Love Tap groaned. “I can’t take you three anywhere…”

Aria nodded. “Yes… I also agree that this is your fault for taking us all to the movies.”

Love Tap once again leaned forward to fire a scowl off of Sonata’s bow. “Young lady, I’m not usually one for corporal punishment when it comes to disciplining my children, but for you, I might make an exception.”

“Hah! Young lady?!” Aria snorted. “Anyway, do you think if maybe you hit Gibson and Button a little more when they were younger they wouldn’t have grown up to be such weirdos?”

As Aria watched the suddenly shifting features on Love Tap’s face change from ‘irritated’ to ‘blood-thirsty’, a thought occurred to her that she had probably just made a terrible mistake. This thought would be confirmed as Love Tap let out a feral roar and leaped over her seat, over Sonata, and onto Aria. Although a seasoned fighter in her own right, the first few blows struck home on Aria’s face and her world quickly became a spinning, swirling maelstrom of pain as Aria considered the wisdom in not poking bears with sticks, especially mama-bears.

“Spike, this is a horribly convoluted plan to get popcorn!”

Love Tap’s ears perked up and she quickly scrambled back to her seat as she heard her local princess and quasi-next door neighbor’s voice. Aria groggily pulled herself back up into her seat.

A large bucket of popcorn held by a rather small dragon entered the theater followed by Twilight Sparkle, who continued to complain about the current situation. “I can’t believe you dragged us here just so you could have a huge bucket of popcorn! We could have just gotten popcorn at the store!”

“Yeah, but movie popcorn just tastes better!” Spike exclaimed as he and Twilight took up seats behind Love Tap, Sonata, and Aria. “Plus we get to catch a movie at the same time!”

“But the film’s already started!” gripped Twilight. “Couldn’t you have at least picked—aaaaaand you’ve already buried your head completely in the bucket… right…” Twilight let out a sigh that quickly got caught in her throat as she looked around. “Oops… Sorry for all the noise, everypony.”

“It’s, uh, quite alright, princess,” Love Tap said.

Twilight blinked a few times then leaned forward. “Oh, hey Love Tap!” she said with a smile. “Nice to see you out with, er… part of your new family!”

Love Tap turned along with Sonata and Aria whose battered head wobbled from side to side. “Oh, most of the rest of my family is here… somewhere,” Love Tap reported.

Twilight nodded and looked over the other two present, her smile dropping. “Oh my gosh, Aria! What the heck happened to your face?!”

Love Tap clamped down on her teeth hard as a wicked grin momentarily flashed across Aria’s bruised features. “Our evil adopted mom here beat me in the face for talking out of turn!”

A mortified expression suddenly marched on Love Tap’s face and began erecting various structures as if it was setting up for a lengthy and lucrative round of business. Love Tap was sure it was impossible to be more embarrassed that she felt at that exact moment…

Twilight turned to Sonata. “Sonata, is this true?”

“I’d use the word ‘pummel’ over ‘beat’, but other than that… Yeah, that’s pretty much what happened.”

… she was wrong.

Twilight simply leaned back in her chair. “Then she’s a better choice of a guardian than I even imagined.”

Against all odds, Love Tap felt herself being lifted out of the darkness of complete and total embarrassment and despair.

“Uuuugh!” Aria groaned out. “You’re all the worst!” she proclaimed as Sonata giggled.

Love Tap let out a small sigh of relief before a small, silver bag with a zip-lock was floated in front of her with a magenta glow. She looked up into the smiling face of Twilight Sparkle who replied with a cheery, “Beef jerky?”

Love Tap suddenly realized she’d be trapped in the box of despair for quite a while. “I really hope Button is faring better with Sweetie Belle…”

Probably Something You Really Only Want a Unicorn to Do…

“CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS PROCTOLOGISTS, YAY!”

Button Mash sat belly down on a small table as a trio of fillies wearing rubber ‘socks’ stood behind him, eyes fixed on his hind-quarters. He had assumed that with today’s activity not seemingly being outright dangerous, there was no harm in assisting the girls in their ongoing quest to get their cutie mark, but as cold hooves began to encroach upon his backside with an eagerness he would not have entertained as possible before this exact moment, he realized he was wrong.

“Button, dear?” Rarity’s voice called from a little bit away. “Now would be a good time to utilize the safety word I told you and the girls to use for your little cutie mark escapades.”

“Broccoli! Broccoli!” Button shouted frantically.

“Aw, man…” Scootaloo uttered as she and the other girls reluctantly dropped their hooves. “We put on our old medical waste handling gloves for nothing!”

“Well, now what are we supposed ta try and get our cutie marks in?” Apple Bloom bemoaned.

“Maybe it’s for the best,” Sweetie Belle said as Button got off the table and trotted up next to her. She gave Button a quick nuzzle as Button smiled warmly at her. “I mean… what would a butt-doctor cutie mark look like anyway?”

“Erm… I guess another, smaller flank on our flank?” Scootaloo suggested.

Button’s face tightened. “Wait… so what cutie mark would be on that flank?”

Apple Bloom piped up, “Do y’all think it’d be the same cutie mark, so it’d be sorta like when you stand in between two mirrors?”

“Yeah, but it’d be of butts!” Sweetie Belle pointed out. “This was a horrible idea!”

The three foals all turned towards Sweetie Belle.

“It was your idea!” Scootaloo pointed out.

Apple Bloom nodded. “Ah mean, I’ll admit it was kinda a strange idea, but at least it wasn’t something we’d already tried.”

Sweetie Belle threw her hooves up in the air. “What I said was, ‘I wouldn’t mind getting a closer look at Button’s butt!’” She looked at Scootaloo and Apple Bloom accusingly. “You two were the ones who thought I meant we should try to get proctology cutie marks!”

“… Wait, what?” Button said.

Sweetie Belle’s off-white cheeks suddenly turned read as she turned towards Button Mash. “Aaaaand… I just said that out loud… right in front of you… I…” Sweetie Belle leaned past Button. “Rarity? Would using a safe word work in this situation?”

Rarity, who was sitting at her dining room table reading a newspaper shook her head. “I’m afraid not, darling.”

“… dang it…” Sweetie Belle muttered.

Rarity suddenly turned and looked straight ahead, much as if she was looking directly into a camera. “You all may be wondering why I allowed that little scene to transpire right in front of me or why I let Sweetie Belle do pretty much any of the things she does with her friends. Well, the answer is quite simple really.” Rarity rose her newspaper directly in front of her. “I’m not Sweetie Belle’s bucking mother,” she answered curtly. “No, our mom is out getting drunk on margaritas somewhere in Las Pegasus with our father and it’s not my damn responsibility to make sure Sweetie Belle doesn’t hurt herself or end up traumatized, and yet everypony expects that of me!” Rarity flipped the page on her newspaper. “A better question would be where Applejack is when Apple Bloom is participating in these cockamamie schemes.”

Author's Note

I can agree that Rarity would probably be a bit more responsible and less bitchy in this situation... but HEY segue to the next chapter!

Guess Who Time It Is!

A wooden door was suddenly swung open as the brown earth pony stallion with a heroic look on his face, long multicolored scarf around his neck, and hourglass on his flank known as Time Turner a.k.a Doctor Whooves a.k.a. the Doctor galloped into his workshop. He was quickly followed by the light blue unicorn mare with a two-colored off-white-and-blue mane and tail, determined look on her face, and golden hourglass on her flank known as Colgate a.k.a. Minuette a.k.a. The Dentist. Finally, the gray pegasus mare with a wall-eyed look on her face, blonde mane and tail and bubble on her flank known as Derpy Hooves a.k.a. Ditzy Doo a.k.a. Muffin a.k.a. a picture of a muffin a.k.a. a picture of her own face a.k.a. Dearest Heart a.k.a. D.H. flew into the door frame, woozily adjusted herself then slowly flew inside.

“I’m glad you could make it, Dentist,” the Doctor said as he galloped up to an upright, rectangular machine with a blinking red light that seemed to great everypony as they entered with a ‘bing!’ “There isn’t a moment to spare! Not a moment at all!”

The Dentist stopped just short of the Doctor. “Well, that’s an alarming turn of phrase for ponies in our line of work. Where or when is the emergency?”

The Doctor threw up a forehoof. “All in good time, my Dentist. All in good time.”

The Dentist narrowed her eyes. “But you just said—”

“If you’ll excuse me a minute” the Doctor interrupted with a coy smile as he stamped his hoof back on the ground. “I’ll be more than happy to explain.”

The Dentist tossed out a sour look as she turned to the gray pegasus who woozily flapped up to join her. “How in the hell do you tolerate being married to...” she motioned out to the Doctor with both forehooves, “… to all that?!”

D.H. gave the Dentist the most serious, focused look she could manage. “He lets me help build machines of incredible quantum complexity, makes me happy, and is also great in the sack,” she answered.

“… Fair enough…” the Dentist replied with a sideways nod of her head.

“Now,” the Doctor began as he began to trot around the machine with the blinking red light which let out another ‘bing!’ “Dearest and I have created a machine that detects the fluctuations in time that echo through the future when somepony goes and disrupts the past!”

The Dentist felt her forehead tighten. “Uh-huuuuh…”

‘Bing!’

“There, you see!” the Doctor said as he motioned to the machine. “It just went ‘bing!’ that means it’s detecting trace amounts of chronitons! Now, chronit—”

“Are created when time is altered,” the Dentist finished in a bored tone. “Yes. Everyone in this room knows that!”

‘Bing!’

D.H. stared at the machine in concern.

“Well then,” the Doctor said, “if the machine is going on like that it means it’s detecting chronitons. Which means something has been introduced to the past to have altered it!”

The Dentist frowned. “The machine just goes ‘bing’”—

‘Bing!’

—“if it detects chronitons? It doesn’t give you any indication of when or where to look for the point of origin for the chronitons?”

D.H. pursed her lips slightly and wrinkled her muzzle as she trotted up to her husband who gave the Dentist is somewhat soiled look. “Well, aren’t we just Little Miss Picky today?”

‘Bing!’

The Dentist rolled her eyes. “What I’m trying to point out is that everypony in this room has traveled to the past multiple times and probably will travel to the past again, or rather, have traveled to the past even more than we are currently aware of from our linear perspective.”

The Doctor suddenly wrinkled his muzzle and pursed her lips to match his wife’s expression.

‘Bing!’

“Oh…” The Doctor uttered. “So you’re saying…”

“The machine will never not go ‘bing!’” The Dentist said. “There is, in fact, no possible scenario in which this machine you’ve just created will not just go—”

‘Bing!’

The Doctor and D.H. looked at each other thoughtfully for a moment.

D.H.’s face suddenly lit up. “What if we adjusted the machine to ‘bing!’ louder and more frequently depending on how many chronitons it’s detecting?”

“Oh! Brilliant! Now that’s the beautiful woman with the equally beautiful mind I married!” he said as he swept D.H. into a forearm.

D.H. giggled and swatted playfully at the Doctor with a foreleg. “Oh, go on… No, really… Go on…”

‘Bing!’

The Dentist rolled her eyes once more. “Except that, if you took the machine anywhere in time it would immediately go crazy because the instant after you appear in a new time, you technically just altered the immediate past and therefore, released a heaping ton of chronitons!”

‘Bing!’

The Doctor and D.H.’s smiles fell.

The Dentist continued, “In fact… unless the machine could track the exact time and place any such chroniton explosion took place, even if you leave it alone and it starts—”

‘Bing!’

“—ing more than usual, that just means the location in time and space is still a giant set of possibilities that are based on the chroniton distribution which depends on the amount of time that has passed and distance the chronitons have drifted, but you have no way of telling the exact ratio of distance to time or what direction the chronitons even came from!”

‘Bing!’

“The only way it could be of any use at all is if you made the change, left it alone, and then it started going off like mad indicating that something had been changed both very recently and close.”

‘Bing!’

“But because all three of us live here and are routinely taking time traveling devices back in and out of time, the chances of it going off for anything other than a harmless return trip are pretty nonexistence. So, you’d still just have created a rather convoluted machine that goes—”

‘Bing!’

For a moment, nopony said anything, instead electing to stand there in awkward silence. Slowly, D.H. extended a foreleg behind the machine that she gently, but forcefully pushed forward causing the machine to topple red blinking light first the ground.

‘CRASH!’

‘BIIIIiiiiinnnnnnggg…’

“Oh, whoopsy!” D.H. said in a tone of faux innocence. “I just don’t know what went wrong!”

The Doctor sighed. “I’m sorry to, if you‘ll excuse the expression, have wasted your time, Dentist.”

“Oh, that’s alright,” the Dentist said as she shook her head. A slightly crazed smile came across her face that was matched by an equally crazed gleam from her ocean blue eyes. “Say, when’s the last time either of you had had your teeth examined?”

The Doctor and D.H. exchanged worried glances as the Dentist advanced on them

“… We’ve made nothing but poor decisions today…” D.H. uttered.

The Doctor let out a long sigh. “Next time we’ll just have to make a machine that detects the absence of chronitons…”

Probably Not a Substitution for Professional Help, but It's a Start

Author's Note

This is sort of a tongue in cheek follow-up to my other new story Grandiose and Pessimistic .

Probably Not a Substitution for Professional Help, but It's a Start

Lilac cape with light blue and yellow stars on her back and similarly designed pointed hat on her head, Trixie Lulamoon stood on the top of the stairs to Twilight’s crystalline castle and stared at the titular owner of the castle with a pensive smile. “Sooo… I was wondering if she could stay here for a one or two…”

“Days?” Twilight asked, her smile looking like it was being held there at gunpoint.

“… weeks…” Trixie finished.

Twilight’s smile fled as one of her eyes twitched and she just stared at Trixie.

Trixie swallowed, and by the look of her, the thing she swallowed was likely her pride. “Look Twilight, I know you and I have had a checkered past and I’m sorry! I’ve said I’m sorry! I’m here now asking for your help!” With a pink blush-colored glow, Trixie floated that hat off her head, sat on her haunches and brought the hat into her forehooves. “I’m coming to you, literally hat in hooves asking-no-pleading for your support! Trixie… Trixie just gets so lonely living on the road by herself sometimes!” Trixie gritted her teeth and glanced off in no direction in particular. “I mean… Trixie fired herself out of a cannon towards a Manticore’s mouth without knowing if anypony would be there to make sure I wasn’t eaten! Trixie needs to address that with somepony! Plus, I just… slip between first and third person… and Trixie doesn’t know why she does that! TRIXIE NEEDS HELP!” Trixie cried, her amethyst eyes begging, pleading with Twilight to show her some mercy. “Please! Won’t you help Trixie?!” Trixie said, her words beginning to sound strained and desperate.

Twilight paused and closed her eyes. She took a deep breath, letting it wash over her. She then let it out and released the anxious tension she was feeling. Twilight opened her eyes. “No!” she said with a smile as she slammed the giant castle doors in Trixie’s face.

Twilight turned and began to walk back into the castle, her journey ending moments after it had started. Not by the wailing cries of sadness and abandonment on the other side of the door, but by a purple unicorn and dragon who stared at her with a pair of unamused expressions as Spike had his arms crossed in front of him and tapped a foot against the crystal floor.

“Ugh… Fiiiiiiiine!” Twilight groaned as she opened the door revealing Trixie who had broken down into a heap of tears on the steps to Twilight’s castle. Starlight rushed forward to drape a comforting foreleg over her friend and take her inside. Twilight simply continued walking further into the castle as Spike followed her with his eyes and the same look of disapproval.

Spike motioned out to Twilight with a claw. “The Princess of Friendship, everypony,” he announced to nopony in particular.

“Spike! Come quick! I can’t find it!” Twilight urgently shouted from down the hall.

Spike’s features pulled into a tight look of confusion. “Find what?”

“Where I asked for your bucking opinion!” Twilight growled back.

The Angriest Place on Earth

Author's Note

WARNING: This contains HUGE spoilers for the first seven arcs of The Wheel and The Butterfly.

The Angriest Place on Earth

Dan balled his hands into fists, threw his arms into the air, and shouted at the heavens.

“WAAAAAAAAAALT DIIIIIIISNEEEEEEEEY!”

Dan Vs.

Walt Disney

Dan felt a light tap on his shoulder and turned to see that it came from a hand with nails painted hot pink that was attached to a shapely and attractive woman that also happened to be his girlfriend. “Uh, Dan?” Pinkie Pie began with a small smile. “Walt Disney is kinda, sorta deady already…”

Dan stared at Pinkie blankly for a moment, his lips tightening as his thoughts began to collect. “Whoa… uh… Pinkie?”

“Yes, Danny-kins?”

“I love you, and don’t get me wrong, really impressed with your speed here, but maybe you and I should discuss some ground rules regarding when it’s appropriate to murder someone and when it’s not.”

It was Pinkie’s turn to stare blankly as her thoughts began to collect. “Uh…”

“Still, if you didn’t mangle him too much, I can at least slap his corpse around a little.”

Dan Vs.

Walt Disney’s Corpse

“Erm… I think we’ll need a shovel for that,” Pinkie said.

Dan’s eyes flew open. “You buried him alive!?” Dan said in disbelief. “Now that is hardcore!”

“Uh, Dan?” Chris’s voice rang out.

Dan and Pinkie turned, Pinkie’s eyes lightening up like a Disney end of the night fireworks display and parade as Dan’s face contorted in confusion.

Chris walked up wearing nothing but tight red shorts held up by two red suspenders pinned with golden buttons, a yellow bow tie, yellow boots, and a black mouse ears hat.

“What the hell happened to you!?” Dan cried.

Chris shook his head. “Elise’s idea… Don’t ask… Anyway, what I think Pinkie means is that Walt Disney is already dead!”

“Oh!” Dan said. “You mean…”

Chris and Pinkie nodded. “Yes!”

“Someone already snuck in and killed Walt Disney before I had a chance to wreak my sweet and terrible vengeance!”

Chris and Pinkie sighed and shook their heads. “No…”

“Well, ironically enough,” Dan continued, either not hearing or ignoring the other two present, “we’ll just have to solve this mystery and take vengeance on the person who murdered Walt Disney!”

Dan balled his hands into fists, threw his arms into the air, and shouted at the heavens.

“Muuuuuuurdeeeeereeeeeerrrrrr!”

Dan Vs.

Walt Disney’s Murderer

Pinkie glanced upwards in annoyance before a thoughtful look came over her. “You know, a murder mystery might be fun.”

“There! You see!” Dan said.

Chris chewed on this thought for a moment. “Dan, you wouldn’t happen to know when Walt Disney was born, do you?”

Dan shrugged. “Sure… He was born December 5th, 1901.” Dan frowned. “How does that help us find the murderer?”

“Just… bear with me here.”

“Dan can’t!” Pinkie piped up. “He’s not part Canadian!”

“She’s got you there, Chris!” Dan said.

Chris rose his fingertips to his forehead. “Okay… Walt Disney was born in 1901… and the average life expectancy is…?”

“76.4 years for men in America,” Dan answered, “81.2 years for women. How does this matter?!”

“Okay, so if Mr. Disney was still alive, he’d be…”

“Oh, who keeps track of what year it is!?” Dan spat out.

Chris groaned.

“Oh my gosh, guys!” Elise cried out exuberantly as she ran up wearing a full silver gown and five-point silver tiara tipped with sparkling clear jewels. “This is such a dream come true!”

Pinkie inhaled a huge volume of air. “Elise! You look just like a princess!”

“I feel just like a princess!” Elise cried mirthfully. She glanced up. “I even found this beautiful diamond tiara!”

“That’s MY tiara!” a young girl’s voice shouted out.

“No one cares, you little brat!” Elise fired back.

Everyone paused and stared at Elise for a moment.

“Yanno what?” Dan said. “I think I’m good, just watching Elise run around to relive the childhood she never had and cause mayhem across the park is all the vengeance I need.”

Elise Vs.

Wasted, Empty Childhood

Pinkie glared up into the air. “Enough already!” she shrieked. “Geez! It’s like you’ve never heard of the rule of three!” She shook her head. “This is just like that dumb ‘turned into a pony and trying to talk to Twilight through the mirror’ chapter…”

Pinkie Pie Vs.

Not Recognizing Good Comedy When She’s at The Exact Epicenter of It All

Pinkie’s eyes narrowed into tiny slits and she pointed skywards. “Hey! Don’t make me come up there! I’ll do it! You know I will!”

Dumb, Obnoxious, Whiney Baby-Girl Vs.

Talented and Handsome Author

“That’s it!” Pinkie said as she threw both hands into the air. “Just remember you’ve brought this on yourself!” she said as she leapt into the air, grabbed the bottom of the ‘s’ and looped her other hand around the bottom of the ‘o’ to ‘Handsome’ and began climbing up the letters, up and over ‘Whiney’ until she was OW! OW! OW! What the hell, Pinkie?!

Pinkie pulled back her fist for another punch. “And this is for everything you put us through in the seventh arc!”

‘POW!’

FRICKIN’ OUCH, DUDE! But you ended up together with DAN finally in that arc!

“But it took for freakin’ EVER!” Pinkie cried as she pulled her fist back in again and threw it forward right into her own chin. “OUCHIES! What the…” Pinkie began pulling back both her first and then propelling them forward into her own face again and again. “OW! STOP”—POW—“OWIE! IT!”

HAHAHA! You may have amazing, world-altering powers, but here, I AM GO—

A boxing glove on an extending mechanical arm suddenly thrust forward out of Pinkie-OW! What?! How the heck did I not see that coming?!

“Don’t look at me!” Pinkie said with a shrug. “You’re the one writing all of this.”

Meanwhile, back in the real story. Chris boggled vacantly at the shenanigans that had completely and utterly destroyed his perception of the world and already strained grip on what he thought was reality, not helped by the fact that his wife was riding in the nearby teacups screaming “Wheeeeee!”at the top of her lungs in a manner that could only coincide with decades of repressed childhood dreams finally bubbling to the surface.

He felt a gentle pat on his back. “Hey, buddy,” Dan said. “Let’s get you to a cotton candy machine you can stick your head inside.”

Chris took a deep breath and let it out. “Yes, please…”

An Oldie But a Goodie

A being composed of a brown torso, pony head with one steer antler and one goat… You know what? You all know what Discord looks like… Discord walked into the middle of pitch black void and stared forward.

“Hello, I’m Discord, Lord of Chaos and I approve of all of the stories contained here…” Discord’s bushy eyebrows lowered slightly. “Except for one simple fact.” Discord theatrically lifted his muzzle and placed his eagle talon on his chest. “I, Discord, was not in a single one of them and demand this be rectified at once!”

… Okay…

Discord glowered out into the infinite abyss of nothingness. “Oh, you cheeky mother FU—”

Also See: Problems for Girls, Last Name 'Sue', First Name 'Mary'

Author's Note

An only ‘slightly hyperbolic’ tale for the ages.

Also See: Problems for Girls, Last Name 'Sue', First Name 'Mary'

Starlight Glimmer wandered into the quiet study area with a concerned look on her face, her eyes seeking Twilight Sparkle, who, as per her character, was lounging on a couch and quietly reading a book. “Uh, hey Twilight,” Starlight began.

“Uh-huh?” Twilight said without looking up.

Starlight smiled slightly. It had taken her a while to recognize this behavior from Twilight as the alicorn simply being lost in the book instead of being rude. The fact Starlight elected any sort of response was actually remarkable.

Starlight gave Twilight a sheepish smile and rubbed the back of her head. “I, erm, I have a problem… It’s kinda a friendship problem.”

“Of course, Starlight,” Twilight replied as she looked through the page she was on and floated a bit of ribbon into the book before closing it and gently set in on the table in front of her. “I’d be happy to help.”

Starlight grinned, her cheeks turning slightly pink as she sat down in a chair in front of Twilight. “It’s just… Well… You’re a super powerful magic user.”

Twilight giggled. “So ponies say…”

Starlight smiled and rolled her eyes. “Said the alicorn.”

Twilight smirked. “Guessing I can relate to this problem?”

Starlight’s smile dropped. “Well… I guess I kind of hope so… It’s just... just…”

“Go ahead, Starlight.”

“It’s just… How do you get ponies to stop accusing you of being a nearly all-powerful problem solver who gets accused of being ‘too perfect’?”

Twilight smiled and nodded. “I haven’t done anything all that useful for well over a year!” Twilight answered happily.

“… What?”

Twilight nodded. “Yep! See, the trick is to let other ponies do all the actual work while you just sort of stand around and occasionally nag them or fret about how you’re concerned they can’t do a task without your help! It gives everypony the illusion that you’ve done something! Oh, be sure to really play up your quirks! See, in my case, I have my OCD nature usually characterized by lots and lots of lists. I just occasionally break out a giant scroll or some flash cards and everyone assumes I’m on point! So, we should figure out something unique about you on days where everypony expects you to do something, but you’re really not feeling up to it.”

Starlight stared at Twilight, eyes wide and mouth hanging agape. “… Wow.”

Twilight just nodded. “Yep! Easy, right?”

“Uh… sure?” Starlight thought for a moment before she furrowed her brow in annoyance. “Wait… a year? I’ve been at the castle for about ‘well over a year’.”

“Huh,” Twilight said as she floated her book back in front of her face and opened it. “Imagine that…”

Starlight scowled at Twilight as the room went silent. Only the occasional sound of paper fluttering as Twilight turned the page filled the room. After a few pages turned, Starlight simply let out an irritated groan, got off her chair, and began to walk out of the room. “I’m going to fly a kite,” she announced.

“Oh, that’s good!” Twilight replied as she moved her book slightly to look at Starlight and extend a forehoof. “Use that!”

Any Star Tracker Fans out there? No? Good! (Movie reference inside)

Standing at the top step of Twilight’s castle, Star Tracker eyes began to fill with disappointed tears as he puffed out his lower lip into a lower lip. “Pl-pleeeeeeaaaase?!” he whined in a tone that was borderline begging. “

“Ugh…” Twilight uttered for probably the dozenth time during this conversation, or what passed for one. “I’m sorry, but you’re just not my type… Like… at all.”

Star Tracker tilted his head and gave Twilight a large, and somewhat disconcerting smile. “But I can change! I can become your type! I mean! I’ve already grown more confident! Like that time I stood up to Iron Will! I can help you with overzealous fans and such!”

Twilight forehead tightened. “I’m not sure I could even cut irony this thick with a knife… Also, I can destroy buildings with my horn… I’m not one for white knighting anyway, but as far as those go… You’re, uh… A bit superfluous… Also, no offense, but some mountains just weren’t meant to be climbed… Plus, there’s a lack of oxygen up in space and pressure so… “Twilight flicked a forehoof out as her analogy continued to gallop on. “I’d say you’d freeze to death, but really, your eyes would probably liquify and your lungs would collapse first.”

Star Tracker let out a pained, distressed squeak.

“Sorry, was that too graphic?” Look, we can do wondrous things with magic, but that’d basically be changing you into something else entirely and… I’m sorry… I just not attracted to you on like… a multitude of levels!”

Star Tracker threw his head back. “Pul-leeee-eeeeeEEEEeeeeEEEeeeeEEEeeeEEEEs!”

Twilight’s brow creased. “Right… Just keep whining. That’ll get a girl to love you.”

“But your parents said we’re family!”

Twilight cringed. “They meant, like… an embarrassing younger brother… Not like my new fiancé or anything… They’re excitable and oblivious, but they’re not that bad!”

Star Tracker sniffled. “So… You’re saying there’s something wrong with me?”

“Oh, geez…” Twilight gave Star Tracker a guilty look that she slowly turned into a smile. “Look, you show you clearly care about the ponies that interest you and that’s a great quality! And I’m sure some would appreciate you standing up for them like you did.” Twilight closed her eyes and widened her smile, an expression that made Star Tracker’s heart melt. “I’m sure someday you’ll make some mare or body pillow very happy!”

Star Tracker let out a sad, pitiful whimper.

“Also, I’m seeing someone else,” Twilight added.

Of course! Star Tracker thought bitterly. Of course he never had a chance, some bigger, cooler stallion had already won Twilights hear…

Metal clanking against crystalline floors was heard as a purple coated mare with maroon hair that went up in a mohawk walked up to Twilight. She appeared to be a unicorn, yet her horn was broken, and she had a single large scar that started up at her forehead and went down to her cheek that helped draw attention to her aquamarine eyes, not that they needed it. She regarded Star Tracker with a somewhat cold indifference before looking over towards Twilight. “Ready to go? She asked.” She smiled and batted her eyelashes a couple times “My Princess…”

Star Tracker worked his mouth but no words came out.

“Of course!” Twilight replied. The two mares linked forelegs together and began walking down the steps.

“Who was that?” Tempest asked as she nodded her head back slightly.

Twilight shrugged. “Oh, a friend,” Twilight said. “Doubt I’ll see much of him though…” She thought for a moment. “He has kind of a, er… forgettable vibe to him…”

Tempest nodded. “Hard to market, I understand.”

“… Market?”

Tempest chuckled. “Just something the Storm King used to say to a rather forgettable minion. That they had little market potential.” She smiled. “Apparently I had ‘high’ market value.”

Twilight giggled and cozied up to Tempest. “I can vouch for that…”

From the top of the steps, Star Tracker’s eyes opened wide as realization hit. He could change! There was something he could do to win her affection! And that was get a cool facial scar! But first, there was something he had to do! He turned and threw open the door to Twilight’s castle, running inside.

Twilight had left her door unlocked! So that meant he could run inside and rub his face all over her bed!

Author's Note

Could Star Tracker/Twilight become a viable ship in this fandom? Maybe! But S.T. had the misfortune of premiering alongside Edgehourse... And yeah... I doubt many could follow that act, certainly not the unflattering potential fan expy we got.

Anyhow, just an idea I felt that warranted a short story for and maybe a discussion.

Catch you all in the comments!

Do you want to watch a movie?

“Ghah! Wake up! Wake up! WAKE UP!” a raspy feminine voice called out in the darkness.

Groggily while mumbling something about parmesan cotton candy. Pinkie quickly noted a weight on her chest as her eyes opened and focused onto the silver barrel of pistol in the dim light of her room. She looked past the cylinder and hammer of the gun to her sister Limestone’s rather intense chartreuse eyes, almost shining brightly despite the darkness of her room. Taking a split second to collect her wits, Pinkie replied with a simple and cheerful. “Hi, Limestone! What’s up?”

Limestone pulled the gun out of Pinkie’s face but maintained eye contact. Then, as one does in situations where you’ve climbed atop you sibling’s chest, pointed a gun at their face, and woken them up in the middle of the night, she broke into song all the while waving her free hand and the gun about.

“Do you want to watch a movie?!~

“Come on let’s go hit play

“I want to see a dog score a goal

“Or a machete make a bloody hole

“We can go to space with Ace Spawn X

“Or maybe watch Space Buddies…

“But right now we’re not

“So help me choose!”

Limestone leveled the pistol at Pinkie’s face once more.

“Do you want to watch a movie?”

She shrugged.

“It doesn’t have to be a movie~”

Limestone broke from singing. “I mean… there’s also the Friday the 13th TV show…”

Pinkie let out a tired yawn and stretched her limbs with her sisters white tank-top and gray sweatpant clad body still on her chest. “Sure, I’ll go make some popcorn.”

Limestone simply climbed off Pinkie, placing her bare feet back on the ground. “Sweet…”

Author's Note

This is a tie-in to this chapter of The Empath and the Sociopath. (No. I don't know why the link isn't working... It's the chapter titled "Sunset recounts last night's events to her friends".)

More thanks to Firimil/Nova Quill for helping inspire this madness.

MMMMurder on the Friendship Express

Author's Note

I hope everyone likes trains as much as the guy below because we're going to be doing train stuff for a bit.

MMMMurder on the Friendship Express

“So!” Her sky-blue eyes shadowed slightly by the small brim of her checkered grey deerstalker hat, Pinkie Pie blew bubbles out of her brown pipe as she regarded her friends, but also suspects… but mostly friends. “We know Prince Blueblood was found in his personal quarters, dead!” Pinkie began to trot up and down the car in-between the bench seats where her friends sat. “Supposedly hung by his own velvet sock while tied up in his own silk ties… or maybe that the killer wants us to think!” she announced shrilly as she turned, pressed her face against Fluttershy’s and gave the butter-colored pegasus an accusing glare.

Fluttershy responded with a scared squeak and recoiled back, pressing herself against Rarity as if the unicorn might provide some protection. Rarity simply seemed to regard Pinkie with a slight degree of annoyance. “Pinkie, dearest,” Rarity began, “I doubt that—”

Pinkie quickly retracted her face and resumed her pacing. “Two! Blueblood had a leather gag in his mouth that smelled particularly lemony.”

Applejack sighed. “Uh… Pinkie?”

“Shhhh!” Pinkie shushed before blowing out another series of bubbles. “I’m on a roll, here, AJ! C, Blueblood’s dangly bits were dangling, but not so dangly at the moment and out where every pony could see them!” Pinkie stopped and made a few thoughtful blows through her pipe, filling the area around her with bubbles. “The pieces are all here, but what does it mean?! The game is clearly a hoof! Also an ear! Possibly a muzzle as well… ” Pinkie gasped, got on her back legs, and thrust a foreleg into the air. “Of course! I’m peckish and can’t think on an empty stomach! To the food car!” she announced before she trotted towards the train door. She stopped for a moment then turned towards the group. “Oh! And none of you better commit any crimes while I’m away! Detective Pinkie Pie is on the case!” she exclaimed once more as she disappeared into the next car.

Rainbow Dash shook her head from side to side. “Alright… Who gets to explain autoerotic asphyxiation to Pinkie Pie?”

Spike quickly began counting, “1, 2, 3, not it!”

The group quickly exploded in a series of “Not it!”s.

“Not—Dangit!” Twilight Sparkle exclaimed in annoyance as near every pony, (even Fluttershy) was giving her a small smirk. Sighing to herself, Twilight hopped off her seat and onto the floor, walking past Spike as she made her way to the same door Pinkie had exited. “Every fricken’ time…” she mumbled to herself.

MMMMurder on the Friendship Express: Sunset Shimmer edition.

“Yeah, I probably killed him,” Sunset Shimmer announced nonchalantly.

Everypony in the train car’s eyes widened in surprise and turned towards Sunset’s.

“Uh? Probably?” Spike inquired as he looked across the table at Sunset.

Sunset shrugged. “Well… I mean, I wasn’t trying to kill him per se, but I can totally see how my direct actions resulted in his death.”

“Ah-hah!” Pinkie exclaimed as she leveled an accusatory forehoof at Sunset. “I knew it! How else would Blueblood end up with orange feathers in his mouth unless he tried to fight back by biting his attacker!”

“Oh, I stuffed those down his throat,” Sunset said in the same casual tone as before as she took a quick glance at her alicorn wings. “That’s probably how he died.”

Applejack raised an eyebrow. “Ya mind walking us through all this?”

“Not at all,” Sunset said. “Blueblood asked if he could speak to me alone in his quarters. Said he had something important to tell me… Turns out he just wanted to convince me that I should marry him to create some sort of political base in Equestria’s court, you know how these nobles are…”

Twilight leaned over the green-tinted glass of her bench seat. “And you killed him for that? That seems a bit extreme, Sunset.”

Sunset’s turquoise eyes made a trip around her eye sockets. “Let me finish, Twilight. I tried to let him down easily, explaining that my position as Celestia’s adopted daughter meant that the personal benefits for myself to marry any Equestrian noble were clearly few and small, if any, and then he exposed himself to me, and asked—” Sunset deepened her voice to mimic Blueblood’s “‘Well, how is this for a personal benefit?’ I repeated that the personal benefits for myself where small. HE got mad and said I was throwing away my biggest opportunity of a lifetime, I pointed out that I had already thrown away much bigger opportunities and added that I was gonna live for a very long time, so that was very unlikely I wouldn’t find bigger opportunities later… this was hard to say because of all the laughing I was doing… Then he got kinda hoofy with me and started saying stuff like, ‘Wealth! Power! My Impressive Membership of the Royal Court! Which made me angry to the point where I pushed him aside. Reminded him I was an alicorn and probably a coronation away from being real royalty, and then plucked out some feathers and shoved them down his throat before I stormed out of the room.” Sunset shrugged. “Guess I stuffed them down a little too far.”

“Well, darling,” Rarity began, “I of all ponies know what a royal pain Blueblood can be, but don’t you think you’re taking this situation a bit too… cavalierly?”

Sunset let out a good-natured laugh. “Come on, everypony, it’s Blueblood! Who cares? Plus given the circumstances and my position I’m pretty sure the worst that can happen to me is a short, weird, kinda uncomfortable-just-to-think-about conversation with my mom about this before I’m pardoned.”

Everypony in the train car looked at each other and shrugged as they let out murmurs of agreement or ones that amounted to lackadaisical and dismissive ‘Watcha gonna do?’

Pinkie giggled to herself. “That was one really long dick joke…”

Sunset smiled wryly at her. “It was a lot shorter in person! Hi-OoooooH!”

Everypony in the train car erupted in laughter.

MMMMurder on the Friendship Express: Dan Vs. edition

Twilight Sparkle let out an exasperated groan as she trotted back into the train car. “Well, Blueblood is dead,” she declared dryly.

“… And we’re celebrating?” a nasally male’s voice enquired.

Twilight narrowed her eyes at the source of the voice. A smaller than usual gray earth pony stallion with a short black mane and emerald eyes who was sitting next to Pinkie, an eyebrow raised.

“No, Dan!” Twilight exclaimed. “Somepony killed him and you’re kind of suspect number one!”

“What! This is outrageous!” Dan cried.

Pinkie puffed her lips out into a pout. “Yeah, Twilight! Dan couldn’t have murdered Blueblood! He was here the entire time, yelling at the ticket collector and beating him with a suitcase!”

Rarity let out a heavy sigh. "You just had to pick the gold-flaked floral one... I love the gold-flaked floral one."

Spike stood up in his seat and turned to face Rarity. "You told me you loved all of them, like they were your children!"

Rarity gave Spike a nervous smile. "Of course I love all my luggage like they were children, Spike! Just... some of them are under-achievers."

“There! You see!” Dan said motioning to Pinkie with his hooves. “Alibi! It’s like you just have it out for me or something!”

“Seriously?” Twilight replied with an unamused expression.

“Ya do seem to pick on him a bit, sugarcube,” Applejack pointed out.

“I know, right?” Rainbow Dash agreed from her seat next to Applejack.

“It is kind of obvious,” Fluttershy interjected.

“Yeah! Dan didn’t do anything wrong!” Insisted Spike. “I mean… except for commit assault on a poor pony just doing his job, that is.”

“He had a tone!” Dan insisted.

Pinkie nodded in agreement. “The ticket checker could have been politer, for sure…”

Rarity shook her head in Twilight’s direction. “Really, darling. It’s getting old.”

Twilight let out an exasperated “Ugh!” and made an about-face. “Fine, I’ll solve the murder myself since it seems like nopony cares!”

“We really don’t,” Dan replied as Twilight stormed off in a huff.

MMMMurder on the Friendship Express: Friends, We Meet Again! Edition

Author's Note

Tired Old Man wrote this thing and I'm posting it today because there is no mercy.

Look on our works, ye mighty, and despair!

MMMMurder on the Friendship Express: Friends, We Meet Again! Edition

“So!” Her sky-blue eyes shadowed slightly by the small brim of her checkered grey deerstalker hat, Pinkie Pie blew bubbles out of her brown pipe as she regarded her friends, but also suspects… and also a ‘friend’ so intolerable that everypony present is clutching a used barf bag—

BLARGCHKK

...with some ponies present still using them.

“We know Prince Blueblood was found in his personal quarters, dead!” Pinkie took a moment to procure a small handkerchief from a nondescript spot on her mane, with which she wiped her mouth clean of morning breakfast remnants before continuing, “Death by vomit-induced asphyxiation! And I have finally figured out who the—urk—culprit is!”

Rainbow Dash lifted her head out of her barf bag to roll her eyes. “Pinkie, we all know who is responsible for this!”

Murmurs of agreement came from the rest of the group, to the confusion of one who stood among them that was not presently emptying their stomach contents.

“Friends!” came a soothingly sultry voice like a serene birdsong mashed together with an uplifting church choir from the prismatic, bombastic, friendly fluid factory known as Princess Changeling Rainbow Magic Pants. “Fear not, for I can explain! Once I prepare some Mucus of Clarity, all shall become clear!”

“The heck you will!” Pinkie exclaimed as she bolted out the train car door. “Everypony, BAIL OUT!”

Applejack wasted no time at the order as she dove for the nearest window andsmashed it without any apparent care of injury to herself, but not before grabbing a little dragon’s barf bag on her way out.

“Hey!” Spike yelled after Applejack. “I was using that!”

“Ah can find a better use for it far, far away~” Applejack trailed off as her body cleared the window as she tucked and rolled onto the grassy plains with little glass fragments following her trail.

Dash wasted no time either as she smashed the nearest window, blasting out of the train car with such speed it nearly threatened to cause a Rainboom.

“Hmph! A lady should never make such a brash exit!” Rarity declared before running to the closest window and gently opening it with her magic. “One should be proper when evacuating, like so!” she declared before promptly throwing herself out of the car.

Magic Pants looked around the train car with gleaming, sparkling, glittering eyes reflecting the deepest abyss of understanding of the world around her before focusing them on Twilight’s deep, but far less understanding, violet eyes. “Well, my daughter, I hope you can stay long enough for me to—“

“Nooooooooooope!” Twilight cried out before disappearing in a flash of pink light, taking Spike and a cowering Fluttershy with her.

Alone in the car, Magic Pants remained undaunted. “Very well. I shall save the tale for another time, dear friends!”

“No you won’t!” Pinkie screamed from outside the train car door, holding a thick metal pin in one hoof and wearing a smile of half-panic, half-glee, and half-crazy. “Not now, not ever!” She followed this up with laughter, glorious mirthful laughter, as the cars decoupled and Pinkie gradually sped away.

Her last words were spoken in a bold shout:

“Never everever FOREVERRRRR!”

MMMMurder on the Friendship Express: Adventure Time Edition!

Author's Note

I may have been binging a certain cartoon series with my daughter as of late...

MMMMurder on the Friendship Express: Adventure Time Edition!

A series of concerned gasps filled the train car filled with Pinkie’s longtime friends and her new friends, who, again! Were mostly ones made out of candy or other delicious sweet stuff!

A light pink skinned bipedal woman with long, pink hair wearing a simple pink dress and golden tiara with a single blue jewel seated in a central column began whistling innocently to herself as she discreetly nudged a black doctor’s bag labeled ‘dissection kit’ under her chair.

Pinkie continued, “And the murderer is somepony or someone or candyperson on this train!”

More gasps where heard from everyone.

Pinkie glanced up at one occupant in particular. “And is also probably Princess Bubblegum.”

The gasps and sounds of shock became deafening. A white-orange-yellow candy-corn person, or persons as ‘they’ had three faces even screamed “It can’t be true!” and attempted to fling themselves out a closed train window where they promptly got stuck halfway as broken glass went everywhere.

“What?! Oh, that is such bunk!” Princess Bubblegum insisted. She looked at the other people sitting in her train booth with her. Across from her, A yellow-orange dog sat on his rear in a rather bipedal fashion next to a fair-skinned boy who was wearing a white bear-eared hat that covered most his head with the exception of his face. Next to Princess Bubblegum, a grey skinned-girl with long black hair floated a few feet off the seat and lounged in the air.

“Come on, guys!” Princess Bubblegum continued, motioning to Pinkie. “Tell her just how much bunk that is!”

The dog spoke up in a masculine voice, “Yeah… I’m sorry Princess, but you’re a pretty likely suspect with all your wanting to ‘study the ponies up close and even inside their guts’ talk.” The dog quivered slightly and put on a disgusted face. “It’s not like anyone else on the train has been so openly creepy or would have a good reason to kill one of these ponies…”

Sitting in the bench seat behind the Princess Bubblegum, an anthropomorphized piece of peppermint in a well-kempt blue suit shifts his eyes from left to right and gently nudges a suitcase labeled ‘Sacrifice gear’ under his seat with his small feet.

“Really, Jake?!” Princess Bubblegum exclaimed in disbelief.

Jake the Dog shrugged, his small dog shoulders almost raising above his head in a somewhat elastic fashion. “I’m sorry Princesses, I just call ‘em like I see ‘em.”

“Alright, well… Finn!” Princess Bubblegum turned to the boy sitting across from her. “You don’t think I’m a murderer do you?”

“No way!” Jake said emphatically. “Sure, you’ve been known to spy on everyone and everything, have babies imprisoned in glass jars, and even destroy sentient robots over attempting to fix problems but… uh…” Finn gave his pink-skinned companion a worried look as he began to perspire visibly. “Umm… isn’t there like some law think I can plead to stay quiet here?”

“The fifth,” the gray-skinned girl informed chucking to herself. “Oh Glob, but that was forever and a day ago when human laws applied to anything, dude.”

Princess Bubblegum gave Finn a sweet smile. “Oh, Finn… You know there’s no such thing as Courts under my law which is absolute,” she said in a bubbly tone her smile growing in a somewhat disconcerting way.

“Uh, right, right…” Finn rubbed the back of his hat and bit his lower lip nervously. “Could you maybe define ‘murder’ in this context… I mean… Your one of my best pals, P-Bubs, but I’ve seen you do some pretty er…”

“Morally bankrupt?” Jake suggested.

“Yeah, that,” Finn agreed. “…things.” He concluded.

Princess Bubblegum grimaced and looked about the group to pick out a purple pony among the Candy Kingdom masses. “Is diplomatic immunity a thing in Equestria?”

Twilight Sparkle seemed to meet this question with a scowl. “Considering how many foreigners seem to come over just to commit horrible, horrible crimes in addition to try to take over, no. Absolutely not.”

“Well… bleep…” Princess Bubblegum uttered in an irritated tone.

Princess Bubblegum let out an annoyed huff as the dark-haired girl floating next to her let out a chuckle. “Man, P-Bubs… You must have a problem if everyone suspects you over the actual half-demon vampire in the train.”

“Et Tu, Marceline?!” Princess Bubblegum exclaimed in a saddened tone.

Marceline just shook her head, causing her raven hair to waft back and forth. “Honestly, I’m mostly surprised that you’re surprised!”

Groaning, Princess Bubblegum just leaned her head out the booth and looked at Pinkie. “Look, what if I just… brought Prince Blueblood, or a reasonable facsimile,” she added in a quick whisper, “to life by replacing as much of him with candy as was necessary. Would that be acceptable?”

Pinkie inhaled a huge volume of air. “Acceptable! Totally acceptable!” she exclaimed.

Spike scratched his head. “Man, I somehow feel everyone was just cheated out of something for some reason…”

“Good!” Princess Bubblegum exclaimed as she bent down then pulled out a pair of goggles and white lab coat from her doctor’s bag and put both on. “We’ll begin the operation immediately!” she announced letting out a mad cackle into the train car.

“See,” Jake began, “it’s things like this that makes it so you’re the first one to get suspected when a body shows up, PB.”

“Hah. Tell me about it,” Marceline chimed in.

Finn leaned forward. “Plus, all the spying.”

Marceline just shrugged. “Eh, I consider that more a hobby, really.”

"Yeah, you would..." Jake uttered irritably.

“Hey, wait a minute!” Twilight exclaimed from next to Spike as she sat up in her chair and turned to look across the booths filled with candy people to look at Princess Bubblegum. “There’s no way you’re turning Prince Blueblood into some sort of half-pony, half-candy monstrosity!”

“Ahhhh, what?” Princess Bubblegum said in a clearly disappointed voice. “Come on, Princess Twilight! Think of the science! Think of the discovery!”

“I am thinking of the science,” Twilight said. “That’s why I was going to say there’s no way you’re turning Prince Blueblood into some sort of half-pony, half-candy monstrosity without me!” Twilight exclaimed as she produced her own goggles and lab coat from a suitcase below here seat, put them on, and joined Princess Bubblegum in a round of maniacal cackling.

Jake regarded the scene in front of him with a look of mild concern. “If anyone needs me, I’m going to turn myself into a bomb shelter and also hide inside me.”

MMMMMurder On the Friendship Express: My Name’s Star Swirl, and Welcome to Jerk-Ass

Author's Note

Tired Old Man once again gives us the gift of murder of an unpopular character by one designed to be despised! Hurray?

MMMMMurder On the Friendship Express: My Name’s Star Swirl, and Welcome to Jerk-Ass

“So!” Her sky-blue eyes shadowed slightly by the small brim of her checkered grey deerstalker hat, Pinkie Pie blew bubbles out of her brown pipe as she regarded her friends, but also suspects… and also an old gray unicorn gnashing his teeth loudly in an attempt to silence the pink pony currently talking.

“We know Prince Blueblood was found in his personal quarters, dead!” she continued in a shrill tone reminiscent of chalk dragging on a chalkboard. The accusatory language was so inflammatory that before she had a chance to say another word, Star Swirl simply had to interrupt.

“Of course he’s dead, you filthy pink ball of dryer lint! I killed him!”

“Death by complete magical obliteration!” she continued, flagrantly ignoring the confession. “And I’ve finally deduced who the culprit is!”

“Woman, are your ears also stuffed with lint?! I have just confessed to this crime!”

“Ooh, I bet it’s me!” Rainbow Dash announced louder than the fuming unicorn.

Applejack scoffed. “Dash, weren’t ya listenin’? This was clearly a magical murder.”

“Yes! Yes it was, you utter unmagical morons! Who else but me could paint every square inch of a private room a new shade of red?!” Star Swirl exclaimed as he began to turn a pale shade of red.

“Well, as much as I’d love to take the blame,” Rarity said with a straight face, “I can’t. This is far too messy and certainly not professional in the slightest.”

The glare Star Swirl shot off was filled with malice at this foul statement from a foul pony surrounded by her equally foul friends! Oh no, this indignant remark, nay, this inconceivable situation before him would not stand! “How dare you belittle my magical expertise, you insolent sack of chalk dust! You couldn’t dream of a more beautiful slaughter if you had a thousand years to conceive of it in your feeble mind!”

Fluttershy nodded in agreement with Rarity. “Not even I would be this messy and inhumane.”

“No one even suspected you, critter hoarder! It’s me! ME! I did this!” Star Swirl objected with a voice an octave higher than usual.

“Very well then,” Twilight announced to the group. “It’s comes down to me and only me, right?”

“NO!”

“Yes!” Pinkie concurred. “Only you could have done this, Twilight!”

“Inconceivableeee!”

Meanwhile, in the next train car over, a hoofful of blissfully drunk ponies laughed with unobstructed glee as they gathered around the door, watching their old friend-that-barely-counts-as-a-friend continue his descent into madness.

“Alright, I’m taking bets now,” Flash Magnus said with a wide grin on his face as he placed a small stack of bits on the floor. “How long before he suspects there’s one of those noise dampening fields in place? Ten bits says he goes five minutes.”

Rockhoof shook his head in disagreement. “I give him three minutes, tops. Twenty bits.”

“Oh you are so on, big guy!”

“Naw. I’ll bet thirty bits he actually picks up on the fact those girls have fully tuned him out,” Meadowbrook offered, placing her stack next to the others.

“Ooh, I’ll match that! Just imagining his reaction to that is worth it even if I lose!” Somnambula produced a small bag with a faint green glow seeping through the fabric and placed it in the pile.

“What about you, Mistmane? Care to place a bet?” Meadowbrook asked.

Mistmane brought a hoof to her chin before coming to her decision. Smooth and quick in a bright flash of magic, she produced her wager while bearing a wicked smile on her face.

“One bunch of century-old grapes says he leaves in frustration to go to his goat.”

A round of gasps came from the group, along with an extra voice so loud they could clearly hear it from the other car:

“LEAVE MY GOAT OUT OF THIS!”

A Series of Events that Unfortunately Repeat

“Oh, my God… It’s COUNT OLAF,” Sunset shouted angrily at a modest-sized flat screen TV as she rose to her feet, “again!” she spat out as if the word disgusted her.

“What?!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed in disbelief from a small black, leather sofa as she looked at Sunset and then looked at the TV. “No way! That guy has a peg leg and an eye patch! Count Olaf has both eyes and both legs! There’s no way that man is Count Olaf! I mean… he’s like half-pirate, half-vintage Old Spice commercial!”

Sunset’s face muscles visibly twitched as she wheeled around to Pinkie. “Pinkie, Count Olaf has already done this once… Twice if you count the sec—”

“Hehe… ‘count’…”

Sunset’s face tightened. “Twice if you count the secretary bit.”

Pinkie glanced at the TV then back towards Sunset. “But he just introduced himself as ‘Captain Sham’!” Pinkie shrilled. “Count Olaf is not a captain.”

“Yes, Pinkie! ‘Sham’ as in fraud!” Sunset shook her head. “Either Olaf is a huge fan of irony, or he’s just as stupid as all the other adults in this show…” She glanced back at the TV. “Just… there! Watch the kids! They’ll point it out. They’re probably the only two who are sicker of this pattern than I am!”

Pinkie pursed her lips and diligently went back to watching the TV. After a few moments of watching, her eyes widened. “Ooooooo… You’re good!” she said.

Sunset closed her eyes as she took a deep breath, then let it out as she opened them. As she chiseled a smile onto her face, she gently placed her hands on Pinkie shoulders and lowered her head slightly to stare directly into Pinkie’s sky blue eyes with her turquoise ones. “Pinkie… you know I love you and I also know that you know that I know you perpetually live in some weird, acid-trip fantasy land of pure bliss, but it’d be nice if you took a little time to focus on the real world from time to time.”

Pinkie smiled slyly. “You’re just jealous because you can’t do this!” she declared as she held out a closed hand and opened it revealing a large, white marshmallow. “Hungry?”

Sunset scowled and slapped the marshmallow out of Pinkie’s hand. “No! I’ve put on like five pounds since you’ve developed your new powers!”

The Very Picture of Maturity.

“Nerrrrrrrrrrd!” Applejack shouted up at the sky.

An indignant Rainbow Dash poked her head out from around the side of a cloud. “What the heck, AJ?! I’m not a nerd! I’m like… the antithesis of a nerd!”

Applejack grinned. “Wow, what a big nerd word to use, ya big nerd!”

“I-Shut up! Maybe I’ve extended my vocabulary a bit by reading… So what?”

Applejack shook her head. “Readin’ sure sounds like a nerd thing to do, Rainbow. I bet you were just now readin’ one of your nerd books that you got signed at one of your nerd conventions!”

Rainbow Dash narrowed her eyes. “Daring Do does not make nerd books!”

“Sure,” Applejack said, “it just so happens a bunch of nerds read them and put together conventions where they can hang out and nerd out together.”

“Oh my gosh, Applejack! The term is ‘geek out’!”

Applejack stared up at the cloud with a knowing and victorious smile on her face.

Rainbow Dash gritted her teeth and let out a frustrated growl. “Well, at least I have a hobby that makes me smarter than some dumb ol’ farm pony.”

Applejack narrowed her eyes as her smile pulled into a tight frown. “Excuse, you but I’m plenty smart! Workin’ on the farm doesn’t mean I’m stupid or anything.”

“Oh, yeah? Talk in length about any subject that’s not apples!” Rainbow Dash said.

“HAH! Easy as app-cherry pie!”

Rainbow Dash smirked. “Or rodeos, or westerns.”

Applejack’s frown returned. “Oh, that is just unfair!”

Rainbow Dash grinned. “What’s wrong, AJ? Feeling a bit of a… one trick pony! HehehehahahahaAAAH!” Rainbow Dash cried in alarm as an entire uprooted tree was thrown at her.

Dare to be Kind...ish

Sunset glanced up at the ceiling for a moment, swaying slightly from side to side in her magenta pajamas. After a couple of seconds, she glanced down and spoke, “Okay, so the worst thing I ever did to Flash was where I ordered a three combo Chinese dish of chow mein, orange chicken, and General Tso’s chicken just to throw it on him in the food court because I wanted to go a fancy seafood restaurant instead.”

Sitting on the ground and likewise clad in their pajamas, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Rarity stared at Sunset with slack jaws and wide, bewildered eyes. Fluttershy sat next to Rarity, already holding a pillow in front of her face. Sitting in between Fluttershy and Sunset, Pinkie maintained a smile, though one clearly held on her lips against its will. “Hmmm… I love Chinese food!” Pinkie said. “Okay, so who do you pic—”

“Hold up a second, sugarcube,” Applejack said, extending a hand into the circle.

Pinkie’s smile fell so hard it practically made an audible crash.

“Please, no…” Fluttershy uttered from behind her pillow.

“Sunset, dear?” Rarity began. “I must ask if you happened to—”

“Wait!” Sunset interrupted. “Is this another question? Because this feels like a another question.”

Rarity held up her hand. “I assure you, it’s simply for clarification.”

“…And that’s allowed?”

“Sure, why not,” Rarity answered with a shrug. “Did you by chance tell Flash you wanted to go to the seafood restaurant?”

“Well, sure!” Sunset said. “I mean, after I dumped my entire tray on him.

The expressions of the other girls’ visibly fell, either further into disgust, further into concern, or both. Mostly both.

“Anyhow, that’s definitely the worst thing that I ever did to Flash…” Sunset tapped her chin a couple times thoughtfully and added, “Publicly… that didn’t involve liquids… or endangering his life…” Sunset frowned. “Wait, maybe I should start over.”

“NO!” the rest of the girls shouted.

“Oh… okay…” Sunset said in an unsure tone. She suddenly smiled. “Hey, this game is fun! It’s kinda therapeutic to get this stuff off my chest!”

Rainbow leaned forward and placed her hands on Sunset’s shoulder’s. “Sunset, for the love of God! When someone calls on you next time, pick ‘dare’!”

MMMMurder on the Friendship Express: Starlight Glimmer edition

Everypony present immediately turned towards Starlight and stared right at her.

“Hey! Wait a second!” Starlight said in a protesting tone. “Why does everypony just automatically assume I did it?”

“Uh…” Spike scratched the back of his head as he looked at Starlight from across a square table in their train booth. “‘Cause you’ve kinda proven yourself to be morally bankrupt time and time again?”

Starlight shot Spike a glare. “Okay, yeah, but still!”

Sitting next to Starlight, Trixie took a deep breath then let it out. “Starlight did it, I saw it all and will testify for a plea deal.”

“Trixie!” Starlight snapped. “How could you?!”

“Trixie hangs for nopony, Starlight Glimmer!” Trixie declared.

Sitting next to Spike, Twilight let out a long, saddened sigh. “Starlight, I’m very disappointed with you.”

Starlight hung her head. “I’m sorry, Twilight…” Her head suddenly sprung back up. “But, maybe if we use some dark, forbidden resurrection magic we can—”

Twilight shook her head. “I’m sorry, Starlight, but you leave me no choice. Your punishment is that you have to write ‘I will not murder ponies just because I find them annoying on the chalkboard 500 times.’”

Starlight groaned. “Not the chalkboard!”

“Also, no seconds on desserts for an entire week!”

“Awwwww!” Starlight warbled in a disappointed tone.

“Trixie calls dibs on Starlight’s extra desserts for her testimony!” Trixie exclaimed excitedly.

“Deal!” Twilight said.

Applejack let out an annoyed huff. “Do we have to do this everytime Starlight murders somepony?”

MMMMurder on the Friendship Express: Dazzling Edition

“So!” Her sky-blue eyes shadowed slightly by the small brim of her checkered grey deerstalker hat, Pinkie Pie blew bubbles out of her brown pipe as she regarded her friends, but also suspects… and also a trio of new friends who were rather suspicious. “We know Prince Blueblood was found in his personal quarters, dead!”

Eyes in the train car immediately all fell upon the trio of ‘ponies’ sporting serpent tails with fins that matched fins on the back of their hooves and sides of their faces, a pair of fin-like wings on each mare.

“Oh, sure!” Adagio Dazzle began in an annoyed tone. “Just automatically blame one of the new girls for everything that goes wrong.”

“Yeah!” Sonata Dusk chimed in. “Just because we’re kind of inhuman-unpony monsters that still kinda see everyone as food and have tried to take over a few worlds!”

Aria Blaze chuckled. “And the fact we have a rather loose relationship with laws anywhere we go…”

Adagio grit her teeth at her sisters and waved her forehoof in front of her neck in a frantic ‘Cut it out!’ motion.

“Oh, we all know you did it, already,” Rainbow Dash said. “We’re just going to figure out how and what parts all three of you played in the murder.”

Other ponies present nodded their heads and let out murmurs of agreement.

Adagio glared at the other ponies. “Fine, but we’re not helping.”

“We didn’t think you would,” Twilight replied.

“However,” Adagio continued, “I will go quietly if I’m allowed free access to snuggle Fluttershy.” Adagio waggled her eyebrows up and down ‘at the word ‘snuggle’.

“Oh, my…” Fluttershy uttered, her wings ruffling slightly.

“Yeah, fine,” Twilight said.

“Oh! I get to hang out with Pinkie!” Sonata exclaimed.

“Deal!” Pinkie replied, pointing to Sonata with a forehoof.

Everyone turned to Aria who returned the attention with a glare. “No way! I’m fighting this until you catch me.”

Rainbow Dash sighed. “Which we always do…”

“Freedom forever, jerks!” Aria exclaimed as jumped through a closed train window and began flying away to the sound of broken glass.

Twilight groaned and raised a hoof to her forehead.

Spike simply got off his seat and walked off. “I’ll go prepare a box, stick, Doritos, Mountain Dew, and an XBox and Battlefield trap…”