I own this book sir.

by TKM

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Alternate Universe, Human, Comedy, Romance, Adventure
Length: 1472

This is a story that I wrote because of a bet. ( Which I lost.). This story is about well, an adventure to different regions to find god. So a princess who has a very weird sex with a unicorn, can finally have sex with god. And to do this she must, visit different regions that are very different from each other to find the way to heaven. With her trusty unicorn sex partner, and the nameless protagonist that reallly doesn't want to be on this adventure. This story is gross if you know what the words mean, even though they are not that descriptive, all ponies in the story are parodies of characters from the actual show. This is my first story and I hope that whoever reads it will enjoy it.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-07-04 07:20:30 UTC

Cool guys don't look at Alabma Hot Pockets.

       “ Ow my head, where am I and whats my name?”.

Suddenly out of nowhere a gigantic fucking explosion engulfed the sky.

“HOLY CRAP!!!”.

As the sky was being overtaken by the black, I ran as fast as I could because the explosion was fucking scary. FInally after running in terror I stumbled into a deep and dark cave.

“Sweet a cave, hold on there’s a path here let me see where it leads, because  I have nothing better to do.”.

As I started walking deeper into the cave I started seeing writings on the wall surrounded by strongly lit wax candles, written in some kind of red liquid, though most of the writings was faded, I could at least make out one word.

“Lucy, you know what maybe that’s my name.”.

I reached down into by dark  blue denim  skinny jeans and came to a realization. That one is why the fuck would I wear such ball gripping, semen killing skinny jeans. And that...

“ I have a penis, sooooooooooooo that means I’m a guy so Lucy can’t be my name.”

     I just kept walking deeper into the depths of the cave, then out of the blue (because it was so black that it was blue) I hear.

“ Help I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.”.

“ I’m coming stay put.”. I told the random voice.

Maybe this person has the deep troubling answers I’m looking for, like what my name is, why  I’m wearing  such tight skinny pants, and why is it that I’m seeing blue instead of black that just makes no sense to me, absolutely no sense, I just can’t comprehend that. Then while I was running I lost the fuck I gave for two of my questions I wanted answered. As I followed the voice and got closer to it, I started hearing moans and as I got closer the moans got louder and louder and I couldn’t bare to hear the suffering. I had to help whoever was making those cries.

     “ Don’t worry your hero is here to rescue you stranger...”. I said reassuringly trying to comfort the stranger thinking she was in danger.

“ WHAT THE FUCK is    going on !?!” I said appalled after seeing the horrid sight, of a girl with blonde hair,  short hair, big boobs, blue eyes, and not to forget big boobs thats very important, very very important. ( And no I'm not a pervert, I mean if you saw those melons you'd be like DAMN , those be some huge melons, you could proably feed one hundred sterotypical black people if those babies were actuall melons.)

Was being given an Alabama Hot Pocket and trust me it’s really bad and it’s disgusting, and if you don’t know what it is fucking good for you , fucking great for you. The thing giving the girl an Alabama Hot Pocket was a  white unicorn with a purple dot on his rear  right thigh, and his horn was flimsy,  and it was purple with blue spots, and kept flopping around, which really disturbed me because at first I wasn’t sure  if it was a penis or a horn.

“ I can't get up but, I want this so badly. That’s right give me that Alabama Hot Pocket.” yelled the girl in pure  sexual thrill.

“ Here it comes, oh yeah that feels amazing I’ve been holding this load for days, ugh that feels amazing.” screamed the male unicorn violently.

“ Ugh that’s fucking gross” I said. The girl and the unicorn turned their attention to me and stopped their act of indecency.

“ Come on Mr. Sparkles, why is it every time we get going somewhere, some random a-hole has to ruin the fun.”

“ I know well I’m still going through with this.” Mr.Sparkles said determined.

“ FUCK YEAH !!!” the slutty girl yelled with excitement.

“ Do you have no shame?” I yelled  out in disgust  trying to look from the horrible sexual act being done behind me.

“No.” both them said together and I could tell they were serious (seriously fucking disgusting) .

“ Well alright well I heard you and I came-”

“ Thats right finish the deed.”

“ Arrrrr I have the POWER rawr .”

“ So I decided to come see what was going on-”

“ Your Alabama Hot Pocket is so chunky and steamy.” Now the girl was eating some corn out of Mr. Sparkles Alabama Hot Pocket.

“ You eat that corn ARGH !!!”

“ Then I had the unfortunate opportunity to see you guys doing that-”.

Then I turned around and in retrospect that definitely wasn’t the best thing to do, probably the worst decision I could make in all of my life now I need to hug a million baby seals to forget what I just saw.

“ Ewwwwwww thats fucking gross you guys are horrible do you have no shame.”

Now they just stared back at me with a blank look and I stared back at them and they stared back at me and I kept staring back, then they stared at each other then back me and I still was staring at them not batting one eyelid while staring at them.

“ Oh yeah I already said that, so what are your names.”

“ Listen don’t interrupt me Princess Lucy of the Salriophilia region and your lucky beeyatchu that I don’t send you to the mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooon.”.

Then I looked at her like she was one crazy beeyatchu and could you really blame me after what she just said.

“ So um tell me Princess how ya gonna send me to the moon.”. I said telling that beeyatchu straight up waving my hands in the air saying “AYO.”

“ Do not insult the princess, and my horn will deliver you to the moon and I will be so happy when I do this because I know this will please my princess.” said Mr. Sparkles.

“Yeah like that floppy and awfully disgusting penis looking horn could send me to the moon.” I said sarcastically, after making that remark  I then turned around and saw Mr. Sparkles had turned his horn into a one hundred foot Mahogany tree that breathed fire.

“ What now, BEEYATCHU.” boasted the Unicorn very confident.

“ Well then let me show you my true power” I said. My hands started to sparkle “ Titanium Dildo hands activate.” (Yeah so apparently I have powers, who knew my momma thats who)

“Well your titanium dildo hands are no match for my industrial princess vagina that is operated by-” the princess then turned her head “ pause for dramatic affect, The Jonas Brothers.”.

“ Prepare to be killed .” shouted the Jonas brothers out of the princesses vagina.

“No one likes me” weakly said Kevin.

“ We love you Kevin.” said Nick, Joe, and Spongebob (because spongebob loves Kevin).

“ Prepare to be DESO-TROY-AHED  by my vagina.” the Princess said.

The princess charged at me laughing menaically.

“ Bring it on!” I yelled.

I charged back at the princess and uppercutted my titanium dildo hands into the industrial Princess vagina penetrating into the princess.

“ I don’t feel anything.” I told the princess fucking befuddled.

“ God damn it are you guys sucking each others dicks again?” angrily yelled the princess at the  Jonas Brothers.

Then I heard gargling and choking sounds out of the princesses vagina. “ We love you so much Kevin.” Nick and Joe said softly.

“ Heaven.” moaned Kevin.

“ God fucking damn it.” yelled the princess stomping at the ground.

“ You wanna go on an adventure?”. I asked Princess Lucy and Mr. Sparkles.

“FUCK YEA WE DO!!” the princess and Mr. Sparkles said very happily. Then we had a three way. Then when we finished and started walking out of the cave I saw a really pretty flower, but I couldn’t go back because those two were blocking my way.

So when we all got of the cave I went back to look at that pretty flower. When I got to the flower  it was dead just my gentle touch made it evaporate into the depths of the cave. It made no sense to me the flower  just ten seconds ago, was radiant with beauty and life and now it’s dead.

“ Come on you idiot, we need to start moving stop looking at flowers, you homo.” said the princess insulting me.

“ What I just had sex with you, dumb bitch.” I whispered under my breath, because I didn’t want to deal with those two. Then as I got up from looking at the flower, out of no where the Jurassic Park theme started playing and you know what for whats about to happen, well I’m going to have serious regrets later. ( A lot, and lot of regrets.)