Yo. So my name’s Sol Badguy. It used to be something else, but that was before the convention and the merchant.
I used to be just a regular guy, you see, doing his regular job and stuff. I played a lot of video games, fighting games. Street Fighter, Mortal Kombat, King of Fighters, you name it, I've probably played it. The Guilty Gear series was my favorite, though.
Anyways, one weekend I went to a local convention. I was just walking along all the shop stalls selling cheap plastic knockoffs of famous video game items and overpriced games and comics, when I saw it! It was a sword that looked exactly like Sol Badguy's sword from the Guilty Gear games, the Fuuenken! Or the Fireseal too, I guess. There was some shifty guy manning the stand. He was wearing a robe that looked exactly like the Merchant guy from Resident Evil 4.
"Welcome. Got some rare things on sale, stranger!" He said. He even nailed it in the exact tone of voice the Resident Evil merchant does!
"Excuse me, how much would it cost for this?" I asked, lifting up the Fuuenken.
"Ah, an awesome choice, stranger! That'll cost you fifty dollars!"
I kept my face frozen, trying to look hesitant at that price. Inside, I was screaming with joy. The Fuuenken looked like it had been lovingly recrafted instead of mass-produced from some plastic mold. Heck, it it felt like actual metal instead of cheap plastic! It was a practical rip-off paying only fifty dollars!
"It's a deal!" I said, handing him fifty dollars.
The merchant went "heheheh" at the time in this dark, foreboding manner, but I didn't think much of it at the time. It wasn't until I turned around and took a solid hit to the head that I realised it was I who had been conned by a conman, not the other way around.
When I woke up, I was no longer a normal human. I was actually Sol Badguy himself, with his full outfit, and after a little bit of testing, I knew I had all his powers too!
So yeah, I’m really in Equestria! I can tell because I saw a pony run away from me who had a Cutie Mark on her butt. I mean, holy smokes, isn’t that awesome! Of course, I’m savvy enough to realise it might not be the time of the show. Maybe I’m here twenty years later and I’ll meet the Mane 6’s kids, or maybe it's a thousand years ago and I can take part in the civil war between two sisters. Sorry Luna, I love you, but if you go Nightmare Moon I’ll have to go against you. Even if you're Best Princess, I'd rather not have Eternal Night.
Oh, and there’s the Princesses! Wow, that was fast. I had considered the possibility I was put on the other end of the world, but I guess not. Convenient.
Aaaaaand they’re wielding the Elements of Harmony, three of the gems on Luna, two of them and the tiara on Celestia. Wow. I better tread carefully.
“Hello, uh…” I don’t know if they’re Princesses yet, so I should try something like a fancy title, maybe? “Raiser of the Sun, Raiser of the Moon?”
Luna snorts, but she doesn't deny it. “Who are you?” she asked, sounding more genuinely curious than hostile.
"Ah, I'm a bit of a wanderer, from far away," I tell them, trying hard not to come off as some villain. Then again, I was Sol Badguy. Maybe I could beat them up now that I had his powers? Celestia certainly wasn't all-powerful, given her defeats by Discord and then Chrysalis and then the plundervines.
"That explains it. We have never seen one of your kind, whatever you are, before," Celestia said. "Very few beings walk on two hooves. There are the minotaurs, and Discord of course, but he was an exception."
"I'm a human," I explain, hoping to establish cordial relations with them. With some luck, maybe I could get into their good graces and avert Luna's later transformation into Nightmare Moon! "Humans are...ah, do you have gorillas in this land?"
Celestia hesitantly nodded. "They are not native to Equestria, but we have a few who have wandered through."
Oh good, they already called this place Equestria. "Well, humans aren't gorillas, but we're similar to gorillas in ways that ponies, zebras and donkeys are similar to one another." Thank goodness my high school biology teacher explained things in an interesting way so I remembered it years later!
"Ah, so you come from the same species family," said Luna. "It is nice to meet you, human. I am Princess Luna, Raiser of the Moon, and this is my sister, Princess Celestia, Raiser of the Sun. It is good to see our reputations as rulers of the celestial bodies reaches from wherever you hailed."
I let out a breath of relief, glad I wouldn't have to draw my sword. "It's good to meet you as well. My name is Sol Badguy." I looked at the ground. "I have a few titles myself, but they're a little bit ornery to use." I looked back up to face the Princesses in the eye. Wait, was that a magical rainbow laser headed my—
“Sister!” Celestia scolded Luna. Not that Celestia herself wouldn't have blasted this mysterious 'human' if he had turned out to be a threat, but she didn't have the trigger hoof her sister did. Now the human was a petrified statue.
“What? You heard him. He said that he was a bad guy!”
Author's Note
If you're asking if I wrote a thousand words just to lead up to a terrible punchline then yes, yes I did
