Serenity. I don't really know how to explain it. It feels calm. Cool. And, kind of empty. But I think this is the most serene I've ever felt. It's a Saturday, so I don't even know why I came here to school. I woke up and played some video games, like pretty much every normal weekend.
But I felt a little drained. My fingers moved at half-speed, and I couldn't even work up the energy to curse at the opposing players whenever they annihilated my avatar. I needed to do something else. I didn't know what, but I let my body do whatever it thought it should.
I peeled off my undergarments and climbed into the shower. Instead of turning it to steaming hot the way I like it, I left it ice cold. I barely even washed. I just kinda stood there. It felt like I was in the middle of a soccer match, with a huge storm inbound. It was enough to get my blood pumping.
When I finally stepped out, I spent about an hour slowly drying myself and dressing. I didn't pay attention to what I grabbed out of the dresser and closet. Not until I saw myself in my mirror. I was wearing sweatpants, black socks, an old T-shirt, and a crisp blue hoodie. I had a black beanie over my head. Was I going outside? Judging by the fact that I was already lacing up my sneakers, I assumed yes.
I pocketed my cell phone, then my wallet. Maybe I was going to the store. No, I left my car keys in the pocket of yesterday's jeans. I slowly meandered downstairs. I felt a small twinge of guilt; Dad hated me walking on the carpet with my shoes on.
I inhaled slightly, then opened the front door. The late winter air rushed at me without warning. I shivered once, but then clenched my jaw. It would settle eventually; I could handle it. I threw up my hood, and then jammed my hands into the pockets. I shut the door, and stepped forward.
Without a destination in mind, I began to walk. Each step landed on the cold sidewalk with a tok sound. I kept my eyes glued to the ground in front of me. I was surprised that it was dry out, given that I live in western Washington. I wished that it would start drizzling. Maybe just a little.
Anyway, it didn't. I just kept trudging forward. After a while, I passed the high school. I finally looked up at the field. It was the same one we used for soccer and football, with the baseball diamond immediately adjacent. There were bleachers on either side for spectators to sit on, but hardly anyone wants to sit on cold hard metal for long periods of time.
I don't really know what compelled me to, but I hopped the fence. I crossed the field. I climbed up into the bleachers and sat down. And I waited.
I don't expect anything to happen. But for some reason that I can't put my finger on, I feel different. I'm alone. And while it makes me feel kind of somber, it allows me to feel... ugh, what's a good word for it? Unrestricted? Un... untethered? I don't know how to explain it.
I feel different. I'm not worried, or angry, or frustrated, or confused. I stay right where I am and let my mind wander. Because even though I'm cold and lonely, I feel okay.
It lasts for a couple hours. My serenity is broken, however, when my cell phone buzzes in my pocket. I pull it out to read the message. I have a new text message from Fluttershy, and all it says is, You okay up there?
I look up and around. Down by the fence, somebody is standing alone, gazing up at me. I feel a familiar tension rising in my body. She's dressed in considerably warmer attire than I am, I notice as I rise to climb back down. A few minutes later, I'm down at her level, facing her from the opposite side of the chain link fence.
"Hey Fluttershy."
Fluttershy brushes her hair back. "Hi, Rainbow Dash," She waves quickly at me. "What were you doing up there?"
I shrug. "I don't know. Thinking, I guess."
"Is there something on your mind?" Her eyes have that concern masked with curiosity look. I shake my head.
"No, no. I was just thinking about... I don't know."
"It's okay if you don't want to tell me." Fluttershy says reassuringly.
I rub my forehead. "No, that's not it. I just.. I was just thinking. Not about anything in particular. Just thinking."
She looks like she understands. "You thinking about what you want to do after we graduate, too?"
"Uh, yeah. That too, I suppose."
"Have you chosen a college yet? I know they're all on their knees begging for you to join their programs." Fluttershy smiles sweetly at me, trying to get me to puff up in pride. When I don't, the worry in her eyes increases.
"Uh, not yet. I uh, got a lot of scholarship offers, though." For soccer.
Fluttershy pauses. "That's... good?"
I sigh. "I guess. I just..." I bite my lip. "I don't wanna play soccer for the rest of my life."
Fluttershy steps forward, grabbing and holding onto a section of the fence. "What do you want to do?"
"I..." I lower my head and cough. "I like to act."
I can only imagine the surprise on her face. I don't think I've told anyone this. However, I hear Fluttershy talking through another smile.
"I knew that you were born to perform, Rainbow Dash. It's something you've always loved. So whether it's sports, a band, or acting, if you want to do it, then do it. I know you'll be the best at it."
An expression of shock is now on my face. "Just... like that?"
"Just like that." Fluttershy nods.
Why are you so good to me?
Fluttershy clears her throat, then smiles again at me. "Anyway, I'm going to Sugarcube Corner. Would you care to join me for a drink, or snack?"
"Uh, yeah. Just give me a minute. I'll catch up, okay?"
"Okay." Fluttershy waves again, then begins her walk down the street. I thump my head into the fence, exhaling. I watch Fluttershy walk away, a soft wind blowing her hair at just the perfect position. I sigh again, for whatever reason picturing her walking in different seasons.
Fluttershy walking away on a sweet spring day surrounded by greenery, wearing an elegant white sweater with a matching skirt.
Fluttershy walking away on a hot summer day, holding a popsicle as she strolled, wearing a tank top and her cute blue shorts.
Fluttershy walking away on a breezy Autumn day, donning jeans, a jacket, and a fluffy hat as dry leaves trail her footsteps in graceful swirls.
Fluttershy walking away right this very instant. She had already faded from my line of sight. I purse my lips. For the first time today, I feel something that I need to do. I grab my phone again, opening up my messenger app and typing as fast as my fingers could go.
Fluttershy, ur always there 4 me, n im not always the best gf. I kno sometimes it looks like i dont care but i do. I want us 2 work. Im goin 2 get better i promise. I love you
I stare at it for the longest time. My fingers actually begin to feel a little numb. What's wrong, Rainbow Dash? Why don't you hit Send?
I close my eyes. With my teeth clenched, I hit Delete. Bitter with defeat, I climb the fence. I mentally smack myself. Nuh-uh. You're better than that. Before my feet hit the concrete, I already have my phone out again.
Right behind you, i got my wallet. My treat, ok?