If Lazybug’s attitude towards school was bad, Diamond Tiara’s was worse. She didn’t have a job, but her dad was always telling her about his business and filling her in on the methods of managing so many ponies, places, and products. By now, she felt like an expert, and it wouldn’t be long before her grades reflected her belief that she was already set for life.
“Back when we were enemies,” Apple Bloom said to her one day, “I always thought you expected to inherit your dad’s business whether or not you had any business smarts.”
“And what about now?” asked Diamond Tiara with a raised eyebrow.
“Uh… well… I guess I think the same thing… but I don’t hate you.”
“I’ve got business smarts, Apple Bloom,” Diamond Tiara insisted. “I don’t ignore my dad when he tells me about stuff like searching listings for buyers and sellers. He never said I wasn’t fit for it. That can only mean my future’s pretty clear.”
“You thought like that before,” Apple Bloom pointed out.
“That’s different,” said Diamond Tiara. “I always knew my cutie mark meant I can get ponies to do what I want. I just didn’t really know what I want… accept to take over the family business. Are you afraid I’m gonna be some kinda tyrannical dictator of a boss or something?”
“I did before,” admitted Apple Bloom. “I guess I’m still getting used to being your friend.”
“I think we haven’t been spending much time together since Pip became class president. You’re not in the middle of helping somepony else with a cutie mark crisis, are you?”
“No.”
“Then how about you, me, Silver Spoon, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle watch the Pony Tones sing at Sugarcube Corner tomorrow?” suggested Diamond Tiara.
“Uh, Sweetie Belle told me they’re penciled in for 10.”
“So?”
“We’ve got school then, Di.”
Diamond Tiara rolled her eyes. “Fine. We’ll think of something else.”
For the time being, they settled on a simple game of Grounders when recess came. But it looked to Apple Bloom that Diamond Tiara was treating Cheerilee’s class like recess today. Not that Apple Bloom could blame her, as today’s maths lesson was incredibly boring.
“Now who can tell me the answer to this equation?” Cheerilee asked, pointing to one of the math problems on the chalkboard
A few hooves went into the air, none of them belonged to Diamond Tiara, but Cheerilee called on her anyway.
“Uh, which one was it?” asked Diamond.
Cheerilee pointed to 3 x 4 -2 written in chalk.
“Oh. 10,” Diamond Tiara said tonelessly. “Miss Cheerilee, when are we ever gonna need to use any of this?”
“Students have been asking that question for generations,” Cheerilee said with a smile that appeared excruciatingly forced. “And I, like every other teacher, can only tell you that there will come a day when you’ll have to know this stuff.”
Diamond Tiara found it harder to invest herself in the lesson after hearing that. In fact, it was barely even five minutes before she began to fall asleep. She saw under heavy eyelids that Cheerilee was now adding colons to some parts of the equations, but she didn’t catch a single word her teacher said. Soon enough, the classroom dissolved into blackness.
“Diamond Tiara! Wake up!”
Diamond Tiara sat up, groaning at the realization that she was about to get told off for sleeping in class.
“Your butler’s here,” said Cheerilee. “He’s got something important to tell you.”
Diamond Tiara was surprised to see Randolph standing in the doorway of the schoolhouse.
“What is it?” asked Diamond Tiara as she left her desk.
“It’s your dad, Diamond,” said Randolph. “He’s had a burnout.”
“A what?”
“He’s exhausted from all of his duties,” Randolph explained. “He’s had a lot on his plate lately, and the effort to get it all sorted out did a number on him. He’s gone home, intended to take an extended leave, and he’d like you to go and see him.”
“He’s not sick, is he?” asked Diamond Tiara.
“Not quite. He would be if he carried on the way he has been. Come along now,” Randolph turned. “Off we go.”
Diamond Tiara gave her classmates a quick wave and followed her butler to her family’s mansion.
Filthy Rich was lying face down on one of the sofas in the lounge. Maids and cleaners stood nearby expecting instructions, but he had not uttered a word to anyone upon returning home early apart from ordering Randolph to pull his daughter from class.
“Dad?”
Filthy raises his head for the first time since he’d laid down on that couch that day. Diamond Tiara was surprised and a little concerned.
“Wow, Dad. You didn’t look like that this morning.”
“I did my best not to let on,” moaned Filthy. “I’ve told you almost everything there is to know about running Barnyard Bargains, but I missed a detail, Diamond Tiara.”
“What’s that?”
“It’s hard to keep everything together at once,” Filthy Rich sat up and gestured to Diamond to have a seat next to him. “I’ve been juggling lots of balls in the air these last few weeks, and we’re still gonna make lots of money, but I did sort of lose my mind at times.”
“Well, everything’s alright now,” said Diamond Tiara. “Right?”
“Only just. Things are steady and quieter now,” said Filthy. “So I think it’d be okay if you took over for a little while.”
Diamond Tiara’s eyes popped. “Me?! Now?! Really?!”
“You haven’t forgotten what I’ve taught you, have you?” asked Filthy.
“No, no. I still remember it all,” Diamond Tiara assured him. “It’s just… it’s so sudden.”
“I would have told you sooner, but I didn’t want to worry you or your mother,” said Filthy. “I wasn’t entirely sure I’d manage to keep everything together in the end, but I didn’t want to pull you from school just to help me out. But your grades have been good, and I’m pretty much out of options right now.”
“Well, okay! No problem, Dad,” said Diamond Tiara. “As long as things are stable now, I’ll have no trouble running your company while you get some rest.”
No one batted an eye when Diamond Tiara arrived at the Barnyard Bargains business office. She found the staff quite welcoming.
“We hear from your dad all the time how attentive you are when he tells you the tricks of the trade,” said McClackerty, the secretary. “It’s not a shock to see you behind his desk at all. Especially given the kind of month he’s had.”
“Yeah, he wasn’t really too clear on that,” said Diamond Tiara. “What exactly happened that made him so stressed out and exhausted.”
“It wasn’t just one thing. It was several things happening at once,” McClackerty explained. “A new store being built in Barrow in Harness, a new product being tested with our demographic in Salt Lick City, five new merchandizers being trialed on the southern region, an inquiry into the cause of an accident in one of his Canterlot warehouses, and trying to find out why the account figures on our Walton on the Neighs payroll didn’t add up.”
Diamond Tiara whistled. “I can see why he kept that quiet. Uh, h-he did tell me I won’t have to do that much.”
“You probably won’t,” McClackerty shrugged. “We’re not under-staffed, the pay roll for next week’s under control in our accounting department, and we found that cricket in the lunchroom that’s been driving everypony crazy.”
“Huh?”
“Yes. Somehow a cricket got in and it would chirp non-stop while our staff were eating,” said McClackerty. “And we could never find the stupid thing because crickets stop chirping when anything gets close to it. Eventually, these two pest ponies found it and booted it outta here.”
“Lazybug and Crosspatch?” asked Diamond Tiara.
“Crosspatch, yes. Lazybug, no. I don’t know no Lazybug. The other one was Fluttershy.”
“Oh. Well, Lazybug’s in my class, but he’s got a job too. He doesn’t really need to be there any more than I do,” said Diamond Tiara, chuckling to herself. “I can’t wait to tell him and the rest of the class that I’ve gone from honourary CMC to honourary CEO.”
“Anyway,” said McClackerty, “the only thing you need to worry about right now is investors. Our company’s got shares in other businesses, and other businesses have shares in ours. But not to worry. I shall be leaving the latest updates in your in-tray for your review and signature. And if there’s a problem somewhere, you can take one of the withdrawal forms from the middle right drawer, fill it out, and submit it to me so I can give it to the courier before any damage can be done. Starting now.”
She placed two sheets of paper into one of the black trays on Filthy Rich’s desk.
“I’ll leave it with you for now, then,” she said, turning tail and leaving the office.
Diamond Tiara looked at the paperwork sitting in the tray.
“Ugh. This feels like homework,” she groaned. “Whoa! I better not have to do make-up homework after Dad comes back!”
It was a painful thought, but once she got started reading through the listings, it became quite easy. It was less than an hour before she went through both sheets. Everything appeared stable, so she signed her name at the bottom of each report and put them back into the tray. At that moment, a staff member entered the room.
“Oh. Sorry. I forgot we’re under new management right now,” he chuckled nervously. “I just got used to bursting in here whenever there’s a problem with Filthy in charge.”
“A problem?” asked Diamond Tiara.
“Yeah. One of the deliveries is held up in Vanhoover,” the messenger informed. “The report says the engine taking the train blew a cylinder.”
Diamond Tiara gulped. “Does that mean I gotta charter another train?”
“No, another engine’s gonna take over. You don’t really need to do anything,” said the messenger. “I’m just, you know, keeping you in the loop. We can’t exactly withhold information from the CEO about important stuff that might cause problems, can we?”
“Oh,” Diamond Tiara grinned. “Well, if it’s under control, I guess I don’t need to worry. Thanks.”
“You might need to worry if this keeps up,” scoffed the messenger. “I swear, Equestria’s railway’s been going down the drain since their last manager left.”
Diamond Tiara decided not the mention the bone-chilling site she’d witnessed in Clopley Hill.
At first, Diamond Tiara considered her first say as CEO uneventful. She popped in and out of the office, getting to know her way around the building and introducing herself to individual staff members. Then, before quitting time, disaster.
“Wait, where’s my signature?!” she cried when she returned to the office for the sixth time that day and glanced down at her tray. “I swear, I signed those!”
McClackerty came into the office, having heard what Diamond Tiara said.
“That’s the in-tray,” she said in a slightly agitated manner. “Did you put the forms you signed back in there? The out tray’s over here.”
Diamond Tiara hadn’t notice the tray on the other side of her desk; it’d been slightly obscured by a stack of black plastic shelves.
“But I still signed these two…”
She made a quick grab for the paperwork in her in-tray, and it dipped, as though she was pushing it into the desk.
“Is that tray spring-loaded!” she exclaimed.
McClackerty nodded. “I’ve dropped off more reports today.”
Diamond Tiara’s hearth thumped madly as she took six unsigned investment documents out of the tray. The original two sprung up gently, and she quickly deposited them in the out-tray before looking through the paperwork she hadn’t realised was sitting there waiting for her virtually all day.
“Please, don’t let there be a problem,” she kept repeating as her eyes scanned the reports.
Three sheets later, she spotted trouble.
“Flim & Flam Brand Chocolate’s going down!” she cried.
She read on, revealing that the company in question had gone belly up.
“They’re belly up!” she yelled.
McClackerty opened the middle right drawer and took out a withdrawal form, which Diamond Tiara wasted no time filling out. As soon as she was finished, McClackerty took it and ran out of the office while Diamond Tiara looked over the rest of the forms. Fortunately, everything else was still positive.
McClackerty returned. “We’ve lost millions.”
Diamond Tiara slumped sweating in her seat.
“Not to rub salt in the wound,” McClackerty went on, “but we might not have lost a thing if that report had been seen to when I first put it in the in-tray.”
Author's Note
Inspired by a self-insert story I read over a decade ago on SiF... unfortunately, I can't remember its name.
Diamond Tiara knew what her parents would think, say, and do if they discovered this. Filthy was already in a state, and it would most likely damage him severely to know his company was in debt. And Spoiled had been chattering away with several prominent members of society (toffs, as Apple Bloom would put it) about how far up her daughter had moved up in the world. As much as Diamond detested her mom trying to use her accomplishments as a status symbol, and even though she made it clear that she doesn’t see things as her mom does, she couldn’t stand the thought of being chastised by her for screwing up. There was some relief in her situation, like the money wasn’t due until the end of the month, which was nine days away. And stock updates weren’t around the clock; only during the day. The Equestrian stock market didn’t operate on any level at night. Diamond Tiara didn’t ask why. She held her tongue around her parents that evening, and went into work the next day determined to get Barnyard Bargains out of the hole she dug. Of course, the first thing she had to do when she got to the office was have a look at the latest stock reports. There was another dip, so she immediately filled out a withdrawal form for McClackerty to take to the courier. She then moved on to trying to find a company to invest in to try and recoup their loss, but she was fretting so much about the speed of the withdrawal form, that she could hardly concentrate on the catalogue.
Soon, McClackerty returned. “We’re clear. We don’t owe anything else.”
Diamond Tiara breathed a sigh of relief, and was just about the return to her stock catalogue when McClackerty deposited more reports into her in-tray. Diamond Tiara was tetchy at first, but when she saw that the company that had dipped in the last report was now bankrupt, she felt a sense of accomplishment. When she got back to her catalogue at last, no simple solution presented itself. All of the companies in there seemed so unstable to her. It’d be an awful risk, whichever she chose. She fretted so much about this decision the company depended upon, she couldn’t hold the catalogue steady.
“A Mr Silver Shill would like to talk to you,” McClackerty announced.
Diamond Tiara remembered Apple Bloom telling her about someone who worked for Flim and Flam, selling a phony medicinal tonic. She was about to tell McClackerty to send the visitor off when she remembered Apple Bloom saying that he quit in the end. Then she recalled Silver Spoon mentioning that same pony asking for genealogical information to find out if they were related. Not knowing what he might want now, but sure it couldn’t be bad, she said Silver Shill could come in.
“Uh, hi there, Miss Tiara,” said Silver Shill politely, shaking Diamond Tiara’s hand without so much as a funny look at the youngest CEO in Equestrian history. “As Miss McClackerty said, my name’s Silver Shill. I work for the Fillydelphia Community Center, and our adult education department would like to do an experiment where we select a company, take the pony at the top of the hierarchy and the pony at the bottom, and have them swap positions for a week.”
Diamond Tiara looked up with intrigue from her third set of stock reports that day. “What? Like, the CEO does a janitor’s job, and that janitor is made the boss?”
“That’s right,” nodded Silver Shill.
Diamond Tiara knew this was no time for this sort of experiment. She couldn’t leave the decision that could potentially break the company to some inexperienced low-level bum; frankly, he’d be no different than her being in charge.
“I’ve already met the lowest rank in the company,” Silver Shill went on. “His name is Snails.”
“Snails?! Snails works for Barnyard Bargains?!” exclaimed Diamond Tiara.
“Only part-time. He’s a student, and can only work on weekends,” said Silver Shill. “Making him the very bottom of the pile.”
Diamond Tiara had seen Snails play Buckball with Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy in Appaloosa, and he’d told her and the rest of his classmates soon afterwards that the secret to his stellar performance was to not think about it. If anyone was not going to dwell on the extreme pressure of choosing which company to invest in to save Barnyard Bargains from losing millions, it had to be Snails.
And so it was arranged. Diamond Tiara kept Barnyard Bargains’ financial situation secret from Silver Shill, and told Snails privately before she was due to leave.
“We’ve had to drop one company,” she said, “and we’re in need of a replacement. Do you think you can pick a good one?”
“Sure,” said Snails.
“And remember to keep up to date on the reports McClackerty puts in this tray,” said Diamond Tiara, indicating which was the in-tray and which was the out.
“K,” said Snails.
Diamond Tiara was satisfied, and left the office. She was about to go to the janitor’s closet when she remembered that Snails only worked weekends. So she didn’t really have to come back until Saturday. She figured she could simply enjoy the rest of her week. But since she was still determined to keep the million bit debt dark, she opted to keep a low profile during the day for the next three days. So she whiled away the days feeding ducks by the pond, going for walks through Whitetail Woods, and taking the occasional hot-air balloon ride. Then when Saturday came, she settled quite well into her new temporary role. She was prohibited from conversing with Snails for the sake of the experiment, but no one seemed on edge while she swept the halls, so she figured things must be going well behind the CEO’s desk.
All too soon, the week was up.
“A pudding company?!” screeched Diamond Tiara. “You made this company invest in a pudding company?!”
“I like pudding,” said Snails.
Diamond Tiara pored over the latest stock reports.
“You call that an investment?!” she roared. “It’s barely even added twenty bits to our revenue on the last week!”
“It’s still money coming in, though,” said Snails calmly.
It was all Diamond could do to not mention the impending loss of millions of bits.
“Silver Shill’s not gonna like your attitude, you know,” Snails went on. “The whole point of this experiment was to see how well ponies work in different job levels. He told me to play the part of a CEO as best I can.”
“So how come you didn’t look for a better way to make money?” demanded Diamond Tiara.
“Well, deep down, I knew if I made a mistake and had to step down,” said Snails, “I could just fall back on my education.”
Fortunately for Snails, McClackerty came in with the latest stock reports. Diamond Tiara shoved the broom she’d been holding into Snails’ hooves and grabbed the reports at once.
“You can go now, you two,” she said, parking herself behind the CEO’s desk for the first time in a week. “And McClackerty, if Silver Shill shows up asking for an interview or something, tell him to go jump off a bridge.”
A week off hadn’t weakened Diamond Tiara’s ability to get through a long document quickly, and in minutes, she found that any investment she could make at this point wouldn’t be any more profitable than the one Snails had made. When she signed them and dumped them in her out-tray, she had a look at some of the reports that were still in there. Her eyes bulged when she found that an opportunity to recoup the millions had come and gone during Snails’ reign.
“Snails should fall back on his Buckball skills, not his education!” she snarled.
She quickly realised was talking about the same education she’d been getting, and slumped back in her seat awaiting the next stock reports. It was as if the past week hadn’t happened. She was a giant tension knot all over again, sweating like Twilight at a buffet table piled high with casadias.
At last, McClackerty brought the latest stock reports. “Silver Shill’s gone back to Fillydelphia, but he’s the least of your worries. Miss Zenith is coming tomorrow afternoon.”
A chill ran down Diamond Tiara’s spine. Her dad had mentioned Zenith the collection agent once, and his story was nightmare-endusing. Diamond scanned the sheets, determined to find a reason not to be afraid of Zenith’s visit. But all she found was a company to stop investing in. The next lot were the same. Diamond Tiara didn’t go home that night. She was visibly anxious, and knew her parents would catch on if they saw her. Even though operations ceased during the night, she never left the office. She had settled on a desperate plan to get the money Zenith was coming for tomorrow.
“McClackerty, I need lottery tickets,” she said with embarrassment first thing in the morning.
“Really?” the secretary snorted.
“I have no choice!” snapped Diamond Tiara. “Look at these reports!”
The paperwork showed marginally exceptional results again, and even if she found something profitable that day, it might be too late to turn it into the collection agency. So McClackerty sent somepony to buy a bunch of lottery tickets. They arrived after Diamond Tiara had finished going over the second set of stock reports that day. She grabbed a coin and started scratching. She’d gone through five of the six tickets and was just thinking where she could possibly go from here without sinking the company when…
“YES!”
The final ticket matched three cherries, which added up to the amount Barnyard Bargains owed with some left over. Diamond Tiara danced around the office for a few minutes before reading the information at the back to find out where to pick up the jackpot.
“Huh? What’s this?”
Some fine print told her that in order to claim her prize, she had to know the answer to a math problem written on the bottom.
“I heard dancing in here,” said McClackerty, coming into the office with more stock sheets. “Are we in the money?”
“Look at this,” Diamond Tiara showed her the odd stipulation on the back of her winning ticket. “Why would they want you to answer a math question?”
“You didn’t think they’d make it as easy of scratching three boxes on a ticket, did you?” scoffed McClackerty. “They say the lottery is a tax on stupidity. They figure anyone dumb enough to resort to making money this way won’t be able to get their math problem right. I trust you can, though.”
Diamond looked at the equation; 3 + (8 x 2) – 9. She worked it out in her head, determined to prove she wasn’t an idiot to McClackerty.
3 plus 8 is 11, she thought quickly, times that by 2, that’s 22, and take away 9 from that, that’s 13.
“Yep! I got it,” she grinned.
There was nothing too favourable in the new stock reports again, but Diamond Tiara was sure it didn’t matter much now as she left the signed reports in her out-tray and left to claim her prize.
“Nope. Sorry. The correct answer is 10.”
Diamond Tiara started foaming at the mouth.
“No, it’s 13!” she roared. “Look! 3 plus 8, 11! 11 times 2, 22! 22 minus 9, 13! It’s 13! You can’t make me not win just because you don’t want ponies to actually win the lottery!”
“Have you noticed these?” the ticket inspector pointed to the middle of the equation.
Diamond Tiara looked at 8 x 2 in between the brackets.
“Yeah, what’s with those?” she asked.
As soon as she said that, she remembered the last thing she’d seen on Cheerilee’s blackboard before drifting off to sleep ten days ago in class. It dawned on her that she must’ve missed something.
“If something in a math equation is in brackets, it means you work out that part first,” explained the inspector. “And then you do the rest in order. Try it again, and you’ll find it does add up to 10.”
Diamond Tiara gave it a shot.
“8 times 2 is 16. 16 plus 3 is 19. 19 minus 9 is…”
Diamond Tiara felt sick.
“I can’t imagine what a foal as young as you would want to win the lottery for,” said the inspector. “You’ll be able to learn a trade soon enough so you can make your own money.”
Diamond Tiara reluctantly left the inspector alive so she could get back to the office quickly and check the latest reports.
I’ve got to find something to make millions this time! Surely the collection agency’ll give me a little more time if I tell them we’ve made a profitable investment!
McClackerty was waiting at the front desk for Diamond Tiara to return, and passed her the updates as soon as she ran in.
“Something go wrong with your winning ticket?” she asked as Diamond reviewed the listings with trembling hooves.
“How come you didn’t tell me I had to do the stuff in brackets first!” she barked, not looking up at the secretary.
“I asked you if you knew how to do that problem,” replied McClackerty. “You could have said they didn’t teach you that in school yet.”
Diamond Tiara choked and struggled on. Her eyes were starting to get sore from all the squinting she’d been doing lately.
“Nothing.”
She dropped the sheets, trying to take it all in.
McClackerty cleared her throat. “Miss Zenith is waiting for you in your office.”
Diamond Tiara shuddered a bit, but that was it.
“Okay,” she sighed.
She picked up the reports and signed them.
“I’ll just have to tell her that I can’t pay. And then I’ll have to go home and tell Dad I’ve flushed his company down the toilet.”
And with that, she shuffled her hooves to the CEO’s office and, stomach turning at the thought of who was waiting for her behind it, pushed the door open.
Zenith looked quite familiar. She was tall and dark blue, with wings, a horn, and a mane and tail that wouldn’t stay still.
“It’s a dream!” bellowed Diamond Tiara.
Princess Luna nodded. “Yes. You are dreaming. You’re still asleep in your teacher’s class.”
Diamond Tiara heaved a heavy sigh of relief, and then raised an eyebrow.
“I’ve been sleeping on my desk for over a week?!” she spluttered.
“Oh, no,” Luna shook her head. “You’ve only been asleep for about an hour.”
“Just an hour?!” exclaimed Diamond Tiara.
“A lot can happen in just one hour,” said Luna. “As you’ve found out.”
Diamond Tiara bowed her head. “Yeah… I did. I guess I’m nowhere near ready to take over my Dad’s company.”
“And you now know why, I take it?” ventured Princess Luna.
“Yeah,” Diamond Tiara blushed a bit. “It’s because I don’t take class seriously. I didn’t think anything Miss Cheerilee could teach me would be necessary… Hold on. If I fell asleep during Cheerilee’s class, how could I have learned how to do long math problems with brackets in them here in my dream? I haven’t heard a word she said.”
“You must’ve picked it up subconsciously,” Luna suggested “Dreams unlock parts of our minds we can never access in the waking world. But you won’t be able to rely on your subconscious to learn much more in school. It is the waking world where you learn the most and must use it to its fullest. Especially if you want your friends to get used to you now that you’re trying to change your ways.”
“How did you know about that?” asked Diamond Tiara.
“I’ve been down that road myself,” smiled Princess Luna.
Diamond Tiara sat up in her desk.
“And with three variables,” said Cheerilee, “you get the equation a + b + c = x.”
Diamond Tiara looked at the blackboard. The long math problems with brackets had been erased, and replaced with, of all things, letters and math symbols.”
“Who can tell me how the problem goes when you have four variables?” Cheerilee asked the class at large, scanning the room.
Diamond Tiara gulped. She had a horrible feeling Cheerilee would call upon her to answer, but Cheerilee picked Dinky.
“Um… a + b + c + d = x.”
“That’s right,” smiled Cheerilee as the bell rang. “Alright. We’ll continue this lesson after recess. And perhaps Diamond Tiara would like to stay in and catch up on what she missed?”
Diamond Tiara glanced at the blackboard again.
“I’d love to,” she answered, causing a number of raised eyebrows around the classroom.
