10 Seconds or Less

by TenSecondsFlat

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Adventure, Crossover, Dark
Length: 4577

Rainbow Dash is ponynapped by two unknown ponies! Can she and Pinkie Pie do what the ponynappers tell her to do before the time limit reache

Rainbow Dash finds herself ponynapped by two criminal ponies. They threaten her to detonate a bomb installed on her chest unless she gets them one million bits! Can she - with Pinkie Pie tagging along, as usual - save herself from blowing up?

A parody of the 2011 comedy film "30 Minutes or Less."

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2011-12-05 23:46:17 UTC

Chapter 1

Whoosh.

The white and gossamer clouds dissipated as a streak of irradiant rainbow shot through them. The figure controlling the prismatic stream  abruptly made a 90-degree turn, heading directly for another cluster of clouds. It, too, exploded as soon as it made contact with the colorful line. Another dispersion followed after another until the sky was completely cleared. No clouds remained in Ponyville.

The pegasus pony that had created the multicolored streaks of light dove downwards, but she swiftly tilted up just before she landed. A cheer rang out nearby. A jubilant pink pony bounced toward the smug mare.

"That was amazing, Dashie!" squealed Pinkie Pie. She had been keeping track of the time it took Rainbow Dash to fully clear the sky. Rainbow had always claimed that she could clear the sky easily in ten seconds flat. Pinkie had volunteered to verify if this was true.

"Aw, that was nothing," said Rainbow Dash, broadening her chest at the compliment. "What was my time? I'll bet you it was ten seconds flat!"

"Even better!" Pinkie rushed next to Rainbow, showing her the stopwatch. "You got nine seconds and 420 milliseconds! That's really fast, Dash!" Pinkie grinned at her friend, but she was startled when she saw Rainbow's face fall.

"Oh," Rainbow remarked dejectedly. Pinkie, who thought that her friend would be glad to hear that she had been faster than she had claimed, suddenly became worried.

"Is there a problem, Dashie?" asked Pinkie.

"Well... It's just that then I won't be able to brag to other ponies that I can clear the sky in ten seconds flat without lying."

Pinkie, who thought that the issue had been dire, regained her jubilance quickly. "Oh! Well, that doesn't matter, Rainbow! You could always say that you can clear the sky in 9.42 seconds!" She puffed up her chest and imitated her friend. "I can clear the sky in 9.42. Seconds. Flat."

Rainbow Dash shook her head. "That doesn't have quite a ring to it."

"You can always try later, Dashie!"

"But how long will it take for the clouds to come back? Probably a few hours, maybe."

Pinkie thought for a moment. "Well, then, are you busy for the afternoon? We could go to Sugarcube Corner! We made a fresh new batch of cupcakes this morning!" She made puppy-eyed faces as Rainbow Dash contemplated the offer.

"Well, I don't have anything else to do for the rest of the afternoon, so I guess I could -" Rainbow said before she was cut off. The pink mare grabbed her companion, carrying her off of her hooves, and galloped toward the bakery at lightning speed.

"Pinkie Pie, you are so random," chuckled Rainbow Dash.

On the other side of Town Square, two ponies trudged along the pavement. They were both stallions; one of them was yellow with a brilliantly golden mane, and the other was blue with a strikingly purple mane. They conversed quietly with each other as if somepony was following them, eavesdropping on them.

"So what do you think of my plan?" queried the yellow earth pony named Flash Light.

His pegasus roommate, Aerial Spark, who preferred to go by the name "Spark," stared at him as if he had absolutely lost his mind.

"Run into the bank, ask for the money, take the money, say thanks, then run back out?" he repeated what Flash had said, hoping that his ears had betrayed him.

Flash nodded idiotically.

"That's... that's bullshit," began Spark. "How the hell can you even call that a plan? We're not gonna ask for money. We have to take it. Besides, what if they shoot us? We'd be dead meat in seconds."

The golden stallion cowered in shame. Spark continued to stride forward with a furiously determined expression. "We really need the money. You know how it feels like to live a mediocre life in a cramped apartment, right? Well, as I've said millions of times before, I'm not taking it anymore. We're gonna open a big business and make a shitload of money."

Flash nodded timidly in agreement.

Spark continued with his monologue. "Whatever we do, whether it be legal or not, we're gonna need a lot of money to start a business. Soon. All we need is a Celestia-damned plan on how the hell we're gonna pull that off."

His roommate trotted up from behind. His head lifted up as if an ingenious idea popped into his head and grinned. "I know! We should go to Sugarcube Corner! I always go there whenever I'm depressed or don't have any ideas!"

Spark tried, with difficulty, not to blow his temper in the middle of the crowded streets of Ponyville. He attempted to contain his fury in several comical but cathartic ways, such as slamming his head on a nearby wall. In the end, he managed to cool down. He gave in.

"Okay, fine. We'll just take a short break. But only for -" said Spark before being interrupted. Flash picked him off of his hooves and carried him to Sugarcube Corner in an instant. Spark sighed in frustration.

"May the goddesses damn this confounded pony to a thousand years to the moon."

"C'mon, we need to think of a plan." Flash looked up. "A good one." finished Spark. Hearing this, Flash looked back down and continued to devour his cupcake. Spark exasperatedly sighed and turned away, repulsed by the way his roommate ravenously consumed the treat.

"You know, you would think that a pony named 'Flash Light' would actually be somewhat bright."

Flash looked up from his cupcake and smirked. "Well, at least I'm not named 'Aeri-'"

Spark rose from his seat aggressively and leaned forward, his snout pressing onto his companion's. "Don't. Talk. About. My. Motherfucking. Name. Ever."

Flash cowered in fear, dropping his cupcake on the table.

"Well... we could force somepony else to do the job. We could just stay back and watch as they take the money and give it to us," he said, their snouts still touching.

Spark thought about this suggestion for a moment and leaned back into his seat. Flash sighed in relief.

"That doesn't sound like a bad idea," said the blue stallion.

Surprised by his reaction, his roommate struggled for a follow-up. "Um... Oh! I know! We could strap a bomb to the pony and threaten to detonate it if he doesn't do what we tell 'im to do! Everypony's afraid of bombs, right? And since nopony uses bombs here, they won't be able to get it off! I know a guy that works with bombs. I can change it up a little and strap it onto our pony!"

Spark's eyes glimmered as gears started turning in his mind. "Interesting... But there's just one problem: Where the hell do we get our pony? We need somepony fast, somepony who's clueless enough to trick so that we can use him to our advantage."

As if on cue, Rainbow Dash walked right past their table. "Well, I'll go on ahead, Pinkie. Let's keep practicing after you take care of your customers."

A muffled "okay" emanated from behind the counter. Rainbow sped out the door fast, sending a powerful breeze throughout the shop. Flash and Spark looked at each other.

Spark turned back to the wide-open door in awe. "Sometimes fate pulls out his big ol' cock and slaps you right in the face."

Chapter 2

The weather was particularly sunny one afternoon. Rainbow Dash, having nothing productive to do, flew up into a towering tree on the outskirts of Ponyville. She laid down on a leafless, shady branch, looking up at the sky. Soon, she felt a wave of drowsiness encompass her and she shut her eyes.

"Rainbow Dash, is it?" Rainbow scowled and blinked open one eye at the sound of her own name. She looked down. There stood a pegasus pony underneath the tree, looking back up at her. He wore a pair of sunglasses and a coat like an incognito celebrity. Even so, she saw that his fur color was a deep purple. She wondered briefly how the stallion knew her name, but she assumed that it was from her fame as the defender of Equestria, the bearer of the Element of Loyalty. Or possibly, even as the winner of the Best Young Flyer competition! Curious to know what the stallion wanted, she pompously floated down to the ground.

"Yep! That's me! The one and only Rainbow Dash!" she said as she put a hoof to her chest. She enunciated her own name with a proud, almost arrogant flair, as if she expected a spontaneous fanfare. When there was none, she looked around sheepishly and set her hoof back on the ground.

"I heard that you were fastest flier in all of Equestria," he said in a charismatic monotone, taking Rainbow momentarily off-guard. "That is, according to your own claims."

Rainbow cocked an eyebrow and flew up, levitating herself just in front of the stranger. "Is this a challenge?" she said, placing her hooves akimbo.

The mysterious stallion smirked and nodded. "I'd say so," he replied tersely, addressing Rainbow as if he was royalty. "I challenge you to a race all the way to Sweet Apple Acres."

Not wanting to deny a challenge, the rainbow mare smirked back. "You're on!" she yelled. She floated up higher as the stranger flew up as well. "Ready... set... go!" Rainbow shouted before launching toward the horizon with a powerful flap of her wings, leaving a trail of shimmering rainbow behind her. She knew that he would never beat her. After all, she was the only pony that had pulled off the legendary Sonic Rainboom - twice! Nopony had ever done that. Not even her longtime idols, the Wonderbolts. The leaves of the trees underneath her shuddered as she rapidly accelerated. She didn't look back until she finally saw Applejack's farm coming up from behind the horizon. With a final spurt of speed, she made a magnificent parabolic arc, touching down just in front of Sweet Apple Acres. With a triumphant grin, she turned around, expecting a crestfallen pegasus to land behind her. Her opponent was nowhere to be found. Confused, she looked left and right for her challenger.

A shadow loomed over her body and onto the ground in front of her. A chill went over her body as she suddenly realized that somepony was standing behind her. She whirled around. Her eyes widened. Even though Rainbow was renowned to be fast, she wasn't quick enough to react when the owner of the shadow forcefully wrapped a leg around her neck and, with another hoof, pushed a towelette onto her snout, sending her into infinite darkness despite her unremitting struggles.

Light.

The cyan mare groaned as the rays of Celestia's sun penetrated her cornea. She blinked several more times, everything still in a haze. There were two blurry figures in front of her, but she couldn't make out any definite shapes.

"She's waking up," muttered one of the figures impatiently.

"'Bout fuckin' time."

After several more seconds of blinking, her vision finally adjusted. Two ponies, both wearing matching sunglasses and coats, stood, watching her. There were trees all around them. Panicking, she instinctively moved her wings and hooves. They didn't budge. She looked down, horrified, and saw that her legs had been bound with rope. Assuming that her wings were in the same condition as well, she wondered why she was wearing a coat. She glanced up at her ponynappers, who looked back at her mercilessly.

"Miss Rainbow Dash... is it?" said the pegasus in an unsympathetic tone. "Right now, you have a highly explosive bomb strapped on your chest." She felt her heartbeat stop as she looked down at her body, confirming the claim, and realizing what the coat was used for. She yelled out in alarm, but all that came out was a frantic muffle. Her mouth had been taped shut. The other stranger, an earth pony, giggled sadistically as the prismatic mare desperately attempted to escape her binds to no avail.

"Calm down, calm down," assured the earth pony. "Don't worry, it's pretty stable. I built it myself," he said proudly. Rainbow just stared at the vile pony, tears forming in her eyes. "But you shouldn't do anything to provoke it, like fall on your stomach or something. Then you'll go BOOM." he said, attempting to convey an explosion by gesticulating one of his front hooves wildly.

Rainbow didn't even feel her body move as she jumped up and tried to run, forgetting that her hooves were bound together by a taut rope. She fell forward, but the two stallions grabbed her and pushed her back on the ground on her rump.

"Hey, hey, hey! Don't fuckin' do that!" admonished the pegasus sternly. "I'll hit you across your pretty face with my damn hooves if I have to!" he warned, raising a hoof. Rainbow, tears streaming down her face, stopped struggling and capitulated. "That's better," he said, taking a step back. "So what do you think, weather mare? Y'think we can take the tape off?" She nodded her head wildly, wanting to escape at least one of her binds. He reached over and pulled the tape off - hard.

Despite the stinging pains of the ripped-off fur, Rainbow mustered up the strength and courage to yell out. "Help! Help me! Somepony help me!" To her horror, her captors began to mockingly chant as well.

"Help! Help!"

"Somepony help this mare!"

The pegasus leaned over to the cyan pegasus and smirked that dirtily reminiscent smirk. "You fuckin' retarded? There's nopony out here to hear you! This is the fuckin' Everfree Forest!"

"Yeah! Only the trees are here to listen to your cries!" said his partner-in-crime.

"Actually, trees can't hear her, either. They... they don't have any ears."

"Well-"

"Why are you doing this to me?" Rainbow spoke up.

"Why the hell would anypony else do something like this? For bits, of course!" replied the pegasus. It was evident that he was the ringleader of the two criminals.

"But-but I don't have much money! I can sell the things that I have in my house! That'll get you, like, a thousand bits. I-I swear to Celestia." she stammered.

The two ponies snickered. "Only a thousand bits? You can do better. We need a million bits."

"Where the hell do I get that much money?" she asked, shocked.

The ringleader shrugged. "I dunno. The bank might be the easiest. I don't give a crap. All I want is the fuckin' money."

"We." The other pony said sternly.

"Whatever. All we want is the fuckin' money."

Rainbow still stared at the two malefactors with a facial expression featuring both pure hatred and fright. All she had wanted was to take a nap; what had she done to deserve this?

"Okay, now we'll explain what the bomb's for."

The earth pony approached her. "You see, this bomb has a timer on it, see? When the time runs out, BOOM, you'd be deader than a door knob." The pegasus began to laugh maniacally. "And if you decide to call the cops, we push this trigger, and you'd be no better off. You understand?" Rainbow nodded weakly, the color draining from her face from the prospect of her exploding in the middle of Ponyville. "Hell, we might even press it again to see if you can explode twice!" The two ponies guffawed uproariously while Dash gawked at the insane ponies.

"Anyway, we'll always be watching you. So no funny business, okay? It's 9:42 AM. We're giving you 12 hours." With that statement, the pegasus reached over and pushed a button on the bomb, and the timer blinked to life, ticking as every second passed. "Call us when you get the money. Here. It's on speed dial." He tossed a cell phone to the rainbow-maned pegasus, who caught it swiftly in her mouth.

"Now, if you do well and get us the money, you'll be free and everypony's happy. But if you don't do well... well, allow me to demonstrate for you."

Rainbow's captors walked toward her and stood next to her, revealing what Rainbow recognized as a Smartypants doll behind them.

"Ring, ring. 'Oh, it's you, Miss Smartypants. How are you?' 'Oh, what do you mean, you couldn't get the money? It was too hard? Well, that's too bad, 'cause... Time. Is. Up.'" The earth pony pressed a button. The doll exploded, dismembering it swiftly, tossing its limbs apart and propelling tons of white matter out into the air.

"Oh, shit!" cried Rainbow, dropping the phone and struggling in her binds.

"I liked that doll," the pegasus pony said without any emotion. "I don't even fuckin' know you." He clapped his hooves and walked away, his accomplice untying the rope. As soon as she was liberated, Rainbow picked up the phone, kicked off into the air, and sped out of the forest. "Go on. Get the hell out of here! Have fun!" he called after her. As soon as she was out of sight, both ponies pulled off their coats.

"C'mon, we've got some supervisin' to do," said the pegasus, motioning to the earth pony.

Chapter 3

Rainbow Dash raced toward Ponyville as fast as she could, her rainbow mane flapping freely in the wind. She needed somepony to help her. But who would help a pony that had a bomb strapped on their chest? She fearfully looked down at the exposed bomb, the jacket flapping underneath her.

11:57:46.

"What the fuck is happening??" she screamed in her mind, gritting her teeth. What had the pegasus suggested? Robbing a bank? But that was insane! She would get arrested and sent to prison, if not killed!

"Darling, why are you wearing such an atrocious outfit?"

Rainbow halted in midair and looked down. There stood Rarity, looking up at her. She looked as if she wanted to rip the coat off of her and burn it. Rainbow wondered if Rarity could help her in this situation, but quickly decided that it was highly unlikely for a fashionista to be able to embezzle a million bits. She quickly zipped up the jacket, hiding the bomb from view. "Oh, um..." she stammered, desperately looking for a plausible answer. "I'm... I'm just practicing for the Wonderbolts!" she said, giving her friend an awkward smile. She regretted saying that as soon as the words came out of her mouth.

Rarity looked at her friend skeptically and frowned. "In that jacket?"

"Yeah! I... uh... have a cold." Rainbow faked a sneeze, but she cringed at how fake it sounded. When she saw Rarity's still-disbelieving face, she decided that it was best for her to leave. She sped away, leaving the unicorn utterly bemused.

"Oh Celestia, who the hell can help me right now?" Rainbow flew high over Ponyville, scanning its residents.

"All you have to do is take a cup of flour, add it to the mix!

"Now just take a little-"

"PINKIE PIE!"

Pinkie spun around, dropping the platter of to-be cupcakes, at the voice of her guest. A cyan pony barraged through the doorway of Sugarcube Corner, which had been closed for the day. She recognized the familiar pony immediately, but her mane was matted with sweat and she looked extremely agitated. She also wore a hideous dark-green jacket that didn't match the pony's color at all. Pinkie wanted to point this out, but that would have been rude. Instead, she greeted the visitor warmly.

"Dashie! How good to see you! Where were you yesterday? I came out looking for you but I couldn't find you so I organized a whole search party around Ponyville but nopony could find you and Twilight became worried so she wondered whether she should write a letter to Celestia but I told her that she shouldn't because you were probably- "

"PINKIE!"

Pinkie stopped talking and batted her eyelids innocently. "Yes, Rainbow Dash?"

Rainbow took a deep breath. She briefly rethought about telling Pinkie about the problem, but a barely audible tick from the bomb eliminated any of her doubts instantly. "Yesterday, two stallions ponynapped me and strapped a bomb to my chest and now I have less than twelve hours to get a million bits."

Pinkie blinked, stunned. For a few seconds, only silence lingered in the sweetshop. Then she suddenly threw her head back and started laughing hysterically as Rainbow stared, aghast. "That's a good one, Dashie! You really got me there! Oh, I can't wait to tell the others-" Rainbow zipped open the jacket, revealing the intricately designed bomb.

Pinkie, unfazed, bounced toward her friend. "Ooh, what is this?" She extended a hoof to touch the ticking object, but Rainbow pulled away quickly.

"No! Don't - don't touch it!"

At this, Pinkie's eyes widened as she realized the gravity of the situation. Her grin faded. She jumped back behind a table. "What... is that thing real??"

Rainbow nodded frantically as she zipped up the coat as quickly as she opened it. "Two stallions did this to me, and I only have twelve more hours till this thing's gonna blow."

Pinkie's eyes flared. She rose from behind the table and walked toward Rainbow assertively. She stared directly into her friend's eyes and fiercely said, "And your first thought was to come to a bakery filled with delicious treats?"

Rainbow stared at her normally hyperactive friend in a mixture of confusion and rage. "Are you serious..." she managed to choke out, attempting to exclude profanity when she talked to Pinkie.

"These treats are my creations! They're like my foals! Really, really tasty foals!"

Rainbow looked at the pink pony, stunned. She shook her head. "Whatever. Anyway, I need to get a million bits in twelve hours! The stallion suggested that I rob a bank, but I can't do it alone. C-can you please help me?"

Pinkie continued to look at Rainbow as if she was a detective trying to determine if a suspect was lying or telling the truth. Finally, she sighed. "Okay, Dashie. It's obviously not right to rob a bank, but I don't wanna see your body get shredded up into pieces," - Rainbow cringed at this thought - "because that'd probably get stuck in my subconscious. Who knows? I might be having a party one night and then suddenly think, 'Oh, I shouldn't have let Dashie explode...'"

"That's a very nice way to think about this situation," said Rainbow Dash nervously. "And thanks for the help. I really owe you one for this."

"Then can you do me a favor?"

"Sure, what?"

"Can you keep at least a thousand hooves away from my cupcakes and muffins while you have that thing on?"

"Okay, so it says here on that bombs are 'explosive weapons that only rely on the exothermic reaction of an explosive material to provide an extremely sudden and violent release of energy.'"

"Thanks, Twilight, that really h-helps us right now." said Rainbow Dash sarcastically and nervously, looking around the library every couple of seconds. They had decided to visit Twilight for any information on getting rid of the bomb on Rainbow's chest even though they couldn't reveal that a lethal explosive was attached to her. Pinkie swore to keep this entire event a Pinkie Pie secret, assuming that they both survived the ordeal. Besides, Rainbow couldn't risk dragging another close friend into such a distressful situation. Having Pinkie in this was risky enough.

Recognizing the sarcasm, Twilight frowned. "Well, it doesn't say anything about disabling them! Why do you need that information, anyway?"

Rainbow and Pinkie answered at the same time. "Nothing."

Twilight looked at them questioningly but didn't say anything. She closed the enormous encyclopedia and floated it back to where it belonged with ease. "Sorry, girls. It doesn't say anything useful about... bombs."

Rainbow Dash sighed, panicking even more. "Okay. Well, thanks for trying." She dashed out of the library with Pinkie in hot pursuit.

Twilight rolled her eyes as she walked toward her room. "These ponies are crazy. Crazy!"

10:47:37.

Rainbow groaned as she paced back and forth the bakery's floor. Usually, she would have thought that ten hours would have been a lot of time, enough to take three refreshing naps. But for today, time seemed to have sped up. Every minute passed seemed like a second. She couldn't take it anymore. The pressure inside of her had built up so much that she felt truculent and paranoid. She wanted to kick something - or somepony - with all of her might. A tap on the shoulder dematerialized her state of intense concentration.

"What?!" she screamed vehemently. Pinkie reared back in fright. Her friend's yell sounded too reminiscent of Gilda's. Her mind flashed back to when the mean griffin screamed at Fluttershy, sending her crying and running away.

Pinkie's eyes began to water. Rainbow's aggravated temper promptly cooled down. "I - I'm sorry. It's just the pressure. It's getting to me." The cyan pony looked down at the ground apologetically. After a moment, the blue mare looked back up. "What - what was it that you were trying to tell me?"

Pinkie looked her friend calmly. "Oh, I was going to tell you to calm down..."

"What do I do, Pinkie? What do I do?"

"I dunno, Dashie. I guess that you should just rob the bank. Like the pegasus told you to."

Rainbow shakily walked over to a nearby couch. She collapsed onto it, sobbing uncontrollably.

"Hey, hey... You're going to be okay."

"No! No, I'm not! I'm I'm gonna blow up!"

The pink mare couldn't just sympathize as her best friend wept pitifully. She grit her teeth and her eyes narrowed in determination. A blast of colorful confetti paper accompanied by a loud, cacophonous streamer noise startled Rainbow. Her head jolted up in surprise. "What the..."

"Come on, Dashie! Get yourself together! You're the fastest flier in Equestria! All you need to do is break in with a new coat of paint and some real-looking weapons and you'll scare the ponies in the bank so much that they won't hesitate to get you the money! It'll be easy! And you can use the bomb to threaten them, too!"

Rainbow nodded slowly in agreement. "Yeah, I guess it couldn't be too hard... And it's only the Ponyville Bank. Its security isn't too complicated."

"Exactly! It's gonna be a breeze. Just get in there and get the money." she patted Rainbow on the shoulder.

"Wait, me? You're not going with me?"

"Well... no... My cupcakes need me!"

"C'mon, Pinkie, please! Please, please, please, please!" Dash had never begged this hard in her entire life. She wasn't exactly the type of pony to consult help when she needed it, and she slightly felt like she was Rarity. "I need you on this. I'll be a dead pony. Please."

Pinkie peered into her best friend's pink eyes. She knew that Rainbow needed her help, but it would risk her own life. "All right, Dashie."

Rainbow Dash sighed in relief. "You're the best friend ever, Pinkie. I really mean it."

"But let me ask you one thing." Rainbow nodded in frenzied agreement. "Do you think cupcakes are better than muffins?"

Momentarily startled at the sudden, unrelated question, Rainbow gave a faint smile. "Pinkie Pie, you are so random."

"You still didn't answer my question..."