Dear Twilight Sparkle, Get Fucked!

by kalash93

Rating: mature
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia, Sex
Length: 1295

"My Faithful Student, I must tell you, in all seriousness, you need to get laid!"

Sometimes lessons are gentle and sometimes are subtle. However, after years failing to get the point across, they must be given hard. Princess Celestia is at her wit's end with a certain neurotic alicorn and sends her a letter telling her what to do in no uncertain terms.

Rated M for language and innuendo.

Has a dramatic reading thanks to Scarlett Blade

Published 2017-02-07 02:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2017-02-07 02:00:02 UTC

For the Love of Me, Just Get Some!

Poof! A scroll appeared in front of Princess Celestia. It was yet another redundant friendship report from Twilight Sparkle detailing a lesson that had been lost and relearned time and time again.

Dear Princess Celestia,

I know this is my fourth report this week, but I just want to tell you, today, I learned that even though your friends may seem to have completely opposite ways of doing something, that doesn't necessarily mean that one is better or worse. What works for your friend works best for them and you should appreciate their knowledge and experience.

Your faithful student,

Twilight Sparkle

The exhausted alicorn sighed with frustration. What she needed was a way to stop the unending cycle of learning and forgetting, neurotic episodes and fits. In short, she needed something that could not only keep her faithful student occupied, but could also make her happy enough to not routinely turn into a mass of nerves. And so, after pondering for a moment, the immortal solar goddess put quill to paper.

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

Get fucked! My faithful student, for the love of me, just get some! You need to get laid. Have sex. Experience intercourse. Be rutted, banged, screwed, done. Mate, copulate, make love, perform the reproductive act! Do you know how many times you've sent me what has been essentially the same report about valuing talents of other ponies, even if they're different from you? Me neither -- I've lost count! And how many times have you had one neurotic break or another? At least thrice a year! You are a bundle of stressed out nerves with a tendency to forget to enjoy what life has to offer. And so, the best remedy I can recommend to you is to go get your brains fucked out until you are a quivering mass of pleasured jelly incapable of doing anything but basking in post-orgasmic bliss.

Need I remind you that I sent you to Ponyville while you were still in your late teens and now you are in your thirties, a princess, and however have yet to move on from then? Immortality can be quite a drag if you spend it all doing the same thing, or doing the same pony. Don't make me make a special visit to Ponyville and fuck you myself, because I will if you don't stop driving me crazy. Or perhaps, if that is not possible in the near future, then I shall commission one of your mercenaries to perform the deed in my place. For you see, you have literally a hole in you between your legs which needs to be filled. Urgently!

I apologize, my dearest, most faithful student. I should express myself with more composure. Forgive me, I shall advise you more calmly from here out about what you should do.

Touch yourself. Take all day, take all night. Take just ten minutes! Get your juices flowing. Find out what makes you feel good. Explore your body a little. Explore it until you can draw a detailed map of it. Use your hooves. Use a pen. Get the biggest dildo you can find and impale yourself on it! Grind up against anything you find within reach. You perhaps should even try going lefty if you are feeling adventurous. May I recommend riding a motorcycle? The whole thing vibrates... As much as I wish I could say masturbation is sex with someone you love, I am not quite so sure if that is fully the truth in your case. I can teach you to love, however.

Find yourself a nice stallion, or several. The lack of dick in your life and loins is constituting a national emergency on far too many occasions. Start slow, gently, do it vanilla. No need to break out the peanut butter, ring gags, and squid tentacles at the very beginning. There is absolutely nothing wrong with gentle, calm, loving sex. Indeed, I love nothing more than getting a good fucking, from a stallion, or a mare, or several, sometimes at once. I become irritable when I am not sufficiently loved as a mare needs to be. Remember that very hot summer three years ago? It was quite an unpleasant dry spell for Equestria and myself. There is nothing quite like being hilted in by a thick cock, feeling yourself so full, squeezing around that something inside of you with your face in the pillow and your ass in the air. Nothing makes me feel like more of a mare than being rutted mercilessly until my partner fills me with his seed before falling over, utterly spent, speechless with pleasure. I believe you would draw a substantial benefit from a regular dose of vitamin "D" delivered by meat spear into your nether regions, ideally as often as possible.

I urge you to think of this as the next step in your friendship studies. There is no need to worry about intruding upon the domain of the Princess of Love. However, if you would involve Cadance, or her husband, perhaps even other royals, if you wish, I would not be opposed to the idea. Before I forget, I need to schedule another "meeting" with those two; it has been two long and there are several important things to do.

To conclude this letter, my most faithful student, I strongly urge you to get fucked in the best possible way. Try it from behind. Try it face to face. Try it by yourself. Try it with another. Try it in groups. Try it with stallions. Try it with mares. Try it under my sun. Try it under Luna's moon. Try it indoors. Try it outdoors. Try it in bed. Try it on the couch. Try it standing. Try it sitting. Try it on bottom. Try it in top. Try it on your side. Try it fast. Try it slow. Try it with every orifice and appendage you posses. Try it clothed. Try it naked. Try it bound. Try it free. Just please, for the love of me, get fucked so thoroughly that your brain plops out and takes all your neuroses with it!

Your mentor,

Princess Celestia

Panting, worn from her rant and frenzied writing, Princess Celestia wrapped the scroll up tight and pressed it with her personal wax seal. And at last, Celestia magically zapped the letter with the warm, golden glow of her horn, sending it to Twilight, praying in her heart that the neurotic little purple alicorn would finally get the hint. Just minutes later, she got another scroll.

Dear Princess Celestia,

I shall begin a scientific study of the magic of friendship with benefits starting tomorrow. I will do my best to provide you with regular, scientifically rigorous reports about this new area of my friendship studies, entailing everything you laid out in your letter to me. I am so excited to be in more regular contact with you again.

Your faithful student,

Twilight Sparkle

P.S.: Did you know that there are over two-hundred expressions and euphemisms used to describe various sorts of sexual activity? Would you like to compile a list of current ones to build a modern sexual lexicon in addition to my studies of carnality?

The white alicorn blanched. All the way in Ponyville, Twilight Sparkle swore she heard the scream of a familiar goddess.

Author's Note

Just a quick comedy idea I had. Inspired by Evil Rat's Twilight Needs To Get Laid I hope you enjoyed it. Support me on Patreon.