The Totes-For-Realz-Evil Human Empire
Twilight Sparkle sighed despondently, stretching her wings out as far as she could, which wasn’t far considering the restraining metal bands locked around them. Things weren’t meant to play out like this. She was meant to rule over a thousand years of peace with a wise and gentle guiding hoof, not stand here at the end of Equestria as she knew it. But if Princess Celestia was to be believed, that was how things had to be. Equestria just didn’t stand a chance, not if these “humans” were as awful as she’d been told.
Just a few nights before, Celestia had called all the Element Bearers together to announce that a portal to another world inhabited by sentient creatures had been discovered. Before Pinkie could throw a welcoming party for the aliens, however, Celestia had pointed out that these creatures were brutish, destructive animals only capable of annihilating everything around them, and that unfortunately, they had an incredibly high-level of technology, and any attempt at fighting them, these “humans,” would only end in death and destruction.
Twilight sighed again, shaking her head at all that was about to transpire. After reading the abridged history that Celestia had managed to gather from a place called “tumblr,” it was obvious ponies could not fight humanity. Their only chance was to submit and hope for mercy, or what little mercy these creatures possessed.
“I still say we coulda taken ‘em,” Rainbow fumed, scratching at the bands around her wings.
“And risk everything we got?” Applejack snorted, clattering the manacles around her hind hooves. “Naw, as long as they let me keep m’farm, and leave me an’ my own t’do as we will, I say it ain’t worth it.”
“Still, one does worry,” Rarity said, rubbing at the inhibiting ring around her horn. “We’ve all seen the documents. One can’t help but shudder as to what might be in store for us. Especially from…a group of carnivores.”
Fluttershy let out a fearful eep at that one. Of course, she of all ponies was terrified to learn their new overlords were in fact omnivorous, but Twilight at least knew her friend had expanded her garden to feed a larger population in hopes that such awful appetites might still be pacified with enough veggies. At least, to keep from tasting pony-flesh.
“Are you sure this is the only way, princess?” Twilight asked.
Celestia sighed, turning with her own inhibitor ring and wing restraints in place. “I’m afraid so, my faithful student. Sometimes, sacrifices need to be made for the good of ponies everywhere, even if those sacrifices are ourselves.”
“But marrying one of those things!?” Twilight insisted, shaking her head, her muzzle wrinkling in disgust. “How can you even consider going through with it?”
“Betrothals are not unheard of in our world’s time, Twilight,” Celestia replied, bending over to give Twilight a quick nuzzle. “Sacrifices need to be made, and a princess should be ready to make them.”
Twilight sighed, but nodded her understanding. “A-and hey, when it’s all said and done, I can throw an amazing reception!” Pinkie said with a quivering smile. Somehow, her own leg manacles, meant to bind her earth pony strength, took away from her attempts at lightening the mood.
In the great hall before them, the air started shimmering and the smell of ozone filled their nostrils. The ponies all held their breaths, but all lined up as instructed when the portal began to open. Even Fluttershy, though her fearful quivering made her wing restraints jangle.
“Brave faces, my little ponies!” Celestia encouraged. “We can still face them with bravery, even if these are our last moments as free mares!”
Twilight had expected quite a few things to come through that portal. Mutant creatures, ranting and rambling and gibbering along, ready to scoop her up and drag her to Celestia-knows-where. Or perhaps a horde of pale-skinned fiends carrying swords and covered in piercings. The stout, tanned, biped with the three-piece suit, metal suitcase and receded hairline was a pleasant surprise. The massive group of firm-looking, powerfully-built bipeds with strange, blocky-looking weapons and armor plating patterned after the forest was not.
Eyeing the ponies before him, the human stepped forward, offering his hand. “I am Ambassador Rothschild, with the United Nations of Earth.”
As was traditional in a time of surrender, Celestia bowed her head beneath his hand, her eyes closed in a total sign of submission. The ponies all watched, breaths held, all awaiting what might happen next. Twilight heard Rainbow’s wing restraints jangle as her wings flared out reflexively. She caught herself almost collapsing with fear, her hooves shaking. Nopony knew what might happen next: a decapitating strike? Some other form of attack from those strange, blocky weapons?
Or the human could clear his throat and give Celestia a pat on the head. That might happen too.
The ponies watched, gawping as the human gave the Solar Princess a few strokes through her mane, eyeing his soldiers awkwardly. Most of them just shrugged in return. Upon seeing the other ponies’ reactions, the ambassador quickly withdrew his hand, clearing his throat awkwardly. Celestia, for her part, seemed to have entered a state of bliss which one could only call orgasmic, if one could go by the drop of spittle in the corner of her mouth and the peaceful, dumb grin on her face.
After a few minutes, she blinked. “Oh, yes,” she said quickly, straightening up with her cheeks flushing red. “I am Princess Celestia of Equestria, I trust you received my missive?”
“Of course,” the human nodded while Twilight pondered what had just happened. Some sort of human magic? A harmonic that distracted any and all ponies that got too close to their “hands?” It certainly bore further research, at the very least. “While we were…surprised by your wishes for immediate surrender, we only wish for a peaceful transition of power now. For the good of both our peoples.”
Nodding stoically, Celestia presented the long, binding contract she had spent every waking moment drafting since first convincing herself that Equestria had to surrender to humanity. Taking the contract firmly in his hands, the human whipped out a gold-plated ballpoint pen and quickly scribbled his signature on it, and with a flicker of magic, Celestia’s signature appeared just beneath his.
“There,” she said quietly. “It is done.”
Nodding, the Ambassador knelt to lock the document in his suitcase, turning slightly. He came back up with his eyes closed, his hand already extending for a shake. Celestia, not wanting to disappoint, promptly nuzzled into his hand, almost too eagerly.
“R-right…” the Ambassador coughed. “Well, here’s to hoping for a long and fruitful relationship between our species.”
“Of course, we’ve done our best to facilitate such,” Celestia replied.
“Excellent! We can get started immediately!”
Celestia took a fearful step back as the ponies all gasped behind her. “Now!? You wish to consummate the contract right now!? In front of everypony!?” She gasped.
“Er…sure?” He asked with a smile and a shrug. Twilight looked up at him, aghast. She had known humans to be brutish, but for this one to wish for something like that so quickly and in front of everypony…not even she had been expecting that!
The Ambassador watched eagerly, obviously expecting her to initiate. Tension rose in the room to palpable levels. All knew the Ambassador could only asking for one thing: to consummate his new contract. Twilight bit her lip, unwilling to watch, but unable to take her eyes off the pair.
Raising her head as high and dignified as she could, Celestia turned in a long, swooping twirl, facing away from the human. Finally, she raised her rump off the floor, then bowed, presenting herself in a way to facilitate the official joining of their species. Finally, she moved her tail slightly out of the way, revealing everything that a mare might possibly have to show a stallion to the Ambassador’s slack-jawed face.
Ambassador Rothschild, meanwhile, replied with the only coherent response he could think of: “What in the cinnamon-titties-Sam-hell-shit-piss-horse-fucking-Christ are you doing!?”
“Umm…preparing myself? For the contract?”
“The…fuck?”
“Yes, exactly. The fuck.”
Rothschild opened his mouth, and then closed it. He dove for his suitcase, fumbling with the combination lock for a few minutes while mumbling to himself, then ripped it open and tore out the contract.
“Equestria unconditionally surrenders…yadda yadda yadda…” he read aloud, then stopped. His face blanched white. His hands shook as the delicate parchment wrinkled in his fingers.
“Sir?” One of the soldiers asked, peering curiously at him. “Is she…”
“'Insofar as the security of this agreement is to be ensured by both parties,'” the Ambassador read aloud. “'The signators hereby agree that they are now and forever joined in holy…matrimony…'” he trailed off, looking into space as if one of his soldiers had just said his specialty was puppy-stomping.
“You might want to keep reading wherein we promise the ponies of Equestria to serve you all in order to ensure our continued security,” Celestia said, nodding respectfully.
WHUMP!
The Ambassador’s head made a heavy thump as he hit the tile like a limp sack of potatoes. Fortunately, one of his soldiers was there with a batch of smelling salts. In a flash, Rothschild was sitting up again.
“Why me?” He bemoaned. “I just came here to secure relations with a new race and species and cement mankind’s place on other worlds! I’m not ready for this kind of commitment!”
“Um, sir?” One of the soldiers said quietly. He eyed the group of ponies standing nearby, waiting patiently for their future alien overlords to finish whatever final terrible dealings they might need to. He smiled and waved, got a small wave from Pinkie back, then leaned in again, muttering things about “playing along” and “just being safe” and “she’s a nice piece of ass anyway.”
With that, the Ambassador and the soldier stood up together. Though the Ambassador looked with an eye that quivered and he needed to take shaky breaths, he matched the soldier’s stony expression and downturned lips.
“We, the nations of man, do hereby except the submission of Equestria,” he said, his voice starting at a high pitch before sinking low again. “And welcome our new pony slaves.”
The ponies all gasped, Fluttershy adding in a quick squeak for good measure.
“And as your new overlords, we hereby demand…” the Ambassador reared up, his chest inflating, and finally releasing itself all in a long sigh. “…snuggles.”
There was a long moment of silence at this momentous announcement. “Um…could you…repeat that?” Twilight asked.
Rothschild sighed like a child being forced through his arithmetic lessons. “Insofar as the ponies of Equestria must provide humanity with something in order to maintain this peace, we hereby demand…snuggles…in exchange for prolonged security.”
The room was silent for a few more seconds, and then Pinkie darted up, screaming “For Princess and country!” Her mane and tail reflating to their usual poofiness, she rocketed over to the nearest human and hug-tackled him to the ground.
The ponies all gasped, taking steps back. After doing so well, surely this would be the trigger that destroyed any chance they had of this day ending on a better note. In fact, Pinkie had chosen the Big Macintosh of humans: a man at least six feet tall, with biceps that rippled under his camo uniform and a grizzled face that had a scar running up from his shoulder to just beneath the eye. Pinkie looked into his harsh gray eyes as his massive hands wrapped around her waist. She smiled. He didn’t smile back.
“Hi!” She exclaimed, not even minding her friends lowering their heads behind her, readying for a charge. “I’m Pinkie Pie! What’s your name?”
“My name Nikolai,” he replied, his lips barely moving, his eyes unblinking. “Russian Federation. Spetsnaz.”
“I don’t know what any of those words mean,” she giggled with an adorable little snort. “So Nikolai, do you wanna be friends?”
Everyone in the room held their breaths. Even the humans, who hadn’t heard so many words from the Russian in a single sitting, leaned forward in anticipation. Finally, Nikolai responded: “Ya, sure.”
“Yay!” She exclaimed, bouncing off his chest, only to trip over her shackles and face-plant on the floor. Faster than anyone could even think to react, Nikolai rose to his feet, clomped over to the little pink pony, seized the length of chain in his massive hands, and snapped it as if it were thread.
Pinkie rose to her hooves again, flexed her liberated hind legs, then turned back to Nikolai and smiled. “Thank you.”
He nodded silently.
“So Nikolai, do you know what I like to do with my friends?”
“What is that?”
“Make cupcakes!” She beamed, hooves flailing in the air.
For a few seconds, Nikolai did not move. He did not flinch. He did not respond in any way that indicated he even understood what she had just said. Then, the faintest ghost of a smile appeared at the corners of his lips.
“I like cupcakes,” he said under his breath.
“Oh, then you’re gonna love me,” she enthused as they walked away, side-by-side into a new life together.
The ponies and humans stood together in awkward silence for a while, before Dash spoke up. “Welp, Pinkie always was good at making friends,” she said with a shrug.
“Just hope she can handle a human,” one of the soldiers guffawed off to the side.
“Oh? What was that?” Rainbow galloped up to the human to glare in his face, much to Twilight’s dismay. “I’m sorry, I thought I heard a little bitch speak.”
“Look who’s calling who a little bitch,” the soldier replied with a cocky little grin.
“As if you could handle me, limp-dick,” she sneered.
“Please, you know I’d rock your world, you walking gay-pride flag.”
“Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is and bring it, you overgrown monkey?”
“Well, consider it brought, bitch.”
“Asshole.”
“Lesbian dyke.”
“Jerk off.”
“Stupid jock.”
“VIRGIN!”
“DOUBLE-VIRGIN!”
“SHIT-FOR-BRAINS!”
“DOESN’T-HAVE-BRAINS!”
“I need you inside of me.”
“I never knew I could want someone as badly as I want you right now.”
With that, she rocketed into his arms, where he embraced her in a sonic rainsmooch: a kiss so hard and so fast it exploded in a tidal wave of rainbow energy that bowled over everyone else around and blasted off Rainbow’s wing restraints. She gripped him under the armpits and, hooves wrapped around his body, shot off into the sky, the sheer force of their love blasting a hole in the ceiling for them to ascend through.
Once again, silence overtook the room, with many an awkward shuffle and lone cough. Finally, unable to stand it anymore, Twilight addressed the massive elephant in the room. “You guys had no idea what you were coming over here to do, did you?”
Ambassador Rothschild could only bow his head, studying his feet intently.
“What, the wingbinders and shackles weren’t a big enough clue!?”
“I thought it was jewelry!” Rothschild screamed with a desperate stomp of his well-shined leather soles.
“Personally, I thought it was a way of showing this was neutral ground,” one of the soldiers shrugged. “Kinda like showing up at a truce agreement and making sure your enemy can see your pistol in its holster.”
“That…is actually really smart,” Twilight said, blinking in astonishment.
“Hey, you actually gotta be pretty smart to get through OCS with the Marines,” the soldier huffed. “Do you know how many nights I had to spend studying?”
“Studying!?” Twilight gushed, her wings flaring out so hard they burst their restraints. “Wh-what do you study?”
“Well, it was mostly tactics and communications, but I do like to crack open some Victorian literature every now and…”
“Dibs.” Twilight said as she flying-tackled the soldier and straddled his form. “I call dibs on this one. Nopony touch ‘im, he’s mine.”
“Wait, wait, wait,” Applejack shouted, stepping forward. “The humans we all read about were these nasty, brute-headed varmints, now yer sayin’ you read fancy-pants literature!?”
“Well shoot,” a blonde soldier stepped forward and flashed her a grin from beneath a set of bleached freckles. “I’ll admit humans ain’t got the best reputation, but we can’t be as bad as all that?”
“Wh-who’re you?” AJ asked, suddenly feeling faint of breath.
“Name’s Tyler Ridkins, born an’ raised in Harlan County, Kentucky. Just a plain ol’ country boy, Ah’m afraid, but I sure hope ya’d let me show you a Harlan sunset sometime.”
He probably said more after that, but Applejack couldn’t hear it over her multiple chain orgasms, which Mr. Ridkins took as her way of saying: “I’d like that very much, thank you.” Swinging her off her hooves, he strode out the door with his new waifu in his arms. Twilight was right behind them, tugging her new boy-toy along.
Fluttershy and Rarity were left standing alone at the base of the pedestal, awkwardly rubbing their forelegs. Fluttershy quivered so much that one of her forefeathers rubbed off and drifted towards the pedestal. A female soldier, shouldering her rifle, carefully knelt down and scooped it up, cautiously holding it up to Fluttershy’s side.
“Eep,” the pegasus squeaked.
“Umm…I…think you dropped…this…” the soldier whispered, the feather clenched in a shaking hand.
“Oh…um…that’s okay, that usually happens when I’m nervous,” Fluttershy whispered back, her cheeks flushing red.
“Oh…okay…” the soldier dropped it, letting the feather drift down next to her boot. “Um…are you…nervous right now?”
Fluttershy just nodded with a squeaking, little whimper at the back of her throat.
“I-is there someplace you’d rather go?”
“I just…want to be closer to my animals,” Fluttershy sighed, shielding herself behind her mane.
“You have animals!?” The soldier gasped.
“Ummm…yes…” Fluttershy squeaked, curling up even further under her mane. “Pleasedon’teatthem…please…”
“Why would I eat them!? I love animals!” The soldier squeaked back.
“You mean…you love them with barbecue sauce?”
“No, I mean I’m a vet back home, I even have a few dogs!” The soldier promptly pulled out her wallet and held it up, several photos of a beautiful golden retriever flopping out and drifting to the floor.
“Er…wow…” Fluttershy mumbled, poking at the photos with her hoof. “H-hey! This one is funny!”
“Hmm…oh yes, I like that photo, so I had it printed up!” The soldier giggled, holding up a photo of an Irish Setter with its front legs on a desk at a bank. “He’s saying ‘I would like to make a de-paws-it,’ get it?”
Fluttershy giggled with her, slowly walking into the soldier’s arms. “That sounds like something my pet rabbit would do, Angel.”
The female soldier gasped. “You have a rabbit!?”
“And…you know…some bats…a couple bears and squirrels…assorted birds…”
Nearly hyperventilating with joy, the soldier asked: “M-m-may I see them?”
“Um…okay…” Fluttershy looked back to her wing restraints. “Um…it would be faster if you helped me pull these off, okay?”
“Um…” the soldier’s entire face turned beet red. “Only if you want me…to…um…pull it off…otherwise…wecouldhavesexifthat’sokay…”
Fluttershy looked up into the soldier’s face, her eyes glistening eagerly. “Yay,” she whispered before hopping into their powerful arms and allowing herself to be bridal-carried out of the room.
Rarity’s jaw dropped. “No. Way.” She whispered. “Did the blushing wallflower just become a waifu before I did!? Nuh-uh!”
Stomping up the pedestal with flames pealing off her little, marshmallow body, she strode up to the closest soldier.
“You. What’s your name?” She barked.
“Um…uh…Andrew.” The soldier said, dumbfounded.
“You’ll do,” she replied, her horn fizzling up with magic. When that didn’t work thanks to the suppressor, she shrugged, tossed the fully-grown man over her shoulder, and stomped back out, mumbling all the way about “Not being the last married in this group of friends, no damn way.”
The room was silent again, leaving Ambassador Rothschiled alone with a giant, perverted horse wife. He sighed. “The things I do for my country…” he grumbled.
“You won’t get away with this, human,” the princess’s voice growled from next to him. “I won’t surrender, even if you tie me down to this pedestal and lick whipped cream off my poor, helplessly exposed stomach!”
Rothschild turned to glare at his apparent fiancé, turning red even as she slipped a ball-gag into her muzzle. “One tiny question for you, though,” he said, eyes going half-lidded. “Which seems more likely: that you honestly believed surrender was your only option when you read up on humanity, or that you read about humans and figured that surrender would earn you a perfectly valid excuse to finally live out a number of heavily-repressed fetishes?”
She just smiled down at him, using her magic to secure a collar around her neck, trailing a leash which she dropped into his hands despite the large suppressor fitted around her horn. “You’re smart,” she cooed. “I like that in a stallion.”
“How did…how…oh forget it,” he sighed, leading his new perverted waifu out the door.
“But yes, I did just use magic,” she said, backing up to expose her massive rear end to him. “Perhaps I should be punished for doing so?”
“Don’t push your luck, sister,” he grumbled.
Many years and many instances of “heavy interspecies interaction” later, a young man strode through the town square of Ponyville. Celestia’s sun was shining off the scarf he kept tied around his neck, the one his mother had given him the day he was born. His toughened hooves clopped easily on the cobblestone, his human arms crossed over his chest. Just behind him, another young hybrid bounced with glee, her hooves echoing throughout the town square.
“Big brother, big brother, we’re almost there!” She enthused innocently, skipping ahead past the Great Palace of Friendship/Library of Congress Branch. She almost didn’t see the little stampede of bunnies hopping through town until she was practically on top of them, although she did manage to stop just short of running right through them, possibly crushing a few of the little dears beneath her powerful apple-bucking legs. She even managed a quick wave to Fluttershy’s wife as she stomped along just behind the herd, the aging human still filling out a revealing sundress with combat boots as well as she did her first day in Equestria.
“Appleblossom!” The older hybrid shouted after the little girl. “What have I told you about running ahead!?”
“Sorry, big brother,” the little hybrid giggled, skipping past a pink candy stand manned by a humongous, powerfully-built hybrid with frizzy, pink hair and biceps the size of babies. “I just wanted you to see!”
“Wanted me to see wha-oh,” he sighed as she came to a stop at Ponyville’s greatest landmark: the monument to the day Equestria fell to the “totes-for-realz-absolutely-evil” human empire. At its base, another one of his fellow hybrids waved to them: an incredibly stunning young man with a coat as white as snow and a mane that practically shimmered in the midday sunlight.
The monument was solid granite carved in the shape of a stout, portly man with a receding hairline. Ambassador Rothschild had seen better days when the sculptor had come by to immortalize him and his love slave/"giant pervert horse-wife." A deep furrow was in his brow, his arms crossed over his narrow chest. His hand grasped a leash which led to a studded collar around the former Princess's neck, the studs spelling out "TOO SEXY" in tiny glittering diamonds. She was posed in a position so lewd, most mothers just shielded their children's eyes when they walked past, and most Ponyville natives under the age of fourteen were satisfied with there being a certain spot in Ponyville they could never ever ever walk through alone.
Celestia, for her part, gazed over her shoulder at her human husband, licking at her lips. A Prench maid's skirt was hiked up just over her shapely flanks as she remained hunched over, obviously leaving everything out on display for the human to see, and thankfully shielding the innocence of anyone viewing the statue from below. Despite himself, it was obvious Lord Rothschild was staring right up that little skirt, drinking in what was offered. At the sight, a single tear traced down the hybrid's cheek, for here was the ultimate representation of everything that had happened since the glorious day when two worlds collided.
"Apple...is this the funny man you were telling me about?" He whispered.
"Uh-huh. Who is he?"
"That's Ambassador Rothschild, sis," he replied, dabbing at his eyes. "He's the reason you and I are here at all, and why mama met daddy and had a million widdle, beautiful, human/pony babies with him."
"Oh...so why is Princess-Slave Tia showing him her butt?"
"He's checking her for cutie-pox, sweetie," he replied, whipping out the old standby as his eyes closed to stem the prideful flow of tears cascading down his cheeks. "Just checking her for cutie-pox."
"Oh, is that something she got a lot?"
"At least three times a day, sweet-ums. Sometimes four, unless he had a headache."
"Oh...okay," she said, still looking up at the monument with the same confused expression many a fourteen-year-old had worn before her upon being allowed to see the monument for the first time. "Big brother? Why is this here?"
"To remember them forever, dear, as they were. Princess-Slave Tia might have a new master now, but she wanted to remember Rothschild as he was, forever and ever. Especially during the more lonely nights when it's just her and her hoof. This monument immortalizes him, but most of all, it immortalizes his final words,” the older man said sagely.
“And what’s that, big brother?”
Gazing up at the statue, tears of patriotism streaming down his face, the man whispered those words which would reverberate through the eons, words of wisdom to live by and which he knew would remain on his lips until the day he died:
“Always read the fine-fuckin’-print.”
